


Federkleid

by WriterfortheTylwythTeg



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Body Worship, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Masturbation, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Psychiatric Hospitals, Psychological Horror, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sleepy Cuddles, Slow Build, Torture, Triggers, Underage Prostitution, alternative universe, comforting sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-18 15:47:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 197,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9392159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriterfortheTylwythTeg/pseuds/WriterfortheTylwythTeg
Summary: The Wings of Freedom is an agency that rehabilitates children the world has given up on, showing them what it's like to lead a normal life, and Levi is its strongest member. It's here he meets Eren, his most difficult case yet. The 17 year old boy is terrified of his own shadow, and has retreated into his own world of darkness and fear, too afraid to come out. However, Levi will give him a reason to leave that world, and show him that it's okay to trust and love again. The road ahead is winding and painful for both of them, for reasons neither of them could have guessed.





	1. Winter und das Meer

Levi Ackerman considered winter to be the most exquisite of the four seasons. It rolled by him in the passenger side window of the car, and having nothing better to stare at for the forty minute long drive to the hospital, he decided instead to take it all in. Yes, one of the downsides of living in a more rural part of town was the distance it took to get to the hospital, but it was worth it when he got a view like this. The rolling, sparkling white hills almost glowed against the night sky, black, barren trees heavy with snow that lined either side of the road. The hills were only overshadowed by the mountains, which were illuminated by a bright, cheerful full moon. Millions of stars untouched by smog or the misleading light of airplanes shone cold and clear above them, and Levi allowed himself a minute to take a breath, let the peaceful energy of the light wash over him, before he heard the driver of the car get off the phone, and he unfortunately had to give her his attention again.

"So what kind of case do we have this time?" he murmured to Petra, partially wanting her to answer and partially wishing she wouldn't so he could keep his full attention on the moon and the way it was reflecting on the snow. It had been a long time since he had felt this remotely peaceful.

"Well," the slight woman paused, trying to decide how she should word her reply, "I'm not entirely sure. From the way Dr. Zoe described it, it sounded like there were too many things to list."

Now she had more of his attention. Levi pulled his gaze away from the window and settled it on her, grey eyes backlit by the light of the moon.

Petra bit her lip, worrying it between her teeth, before saying, "Dr. Zoe did ask for you specifically though in regards as to who would handle the case though."

Levi snorted. "Well that's never a good sign. I mean, she knows what kinds of cases I usually handle. Are things bad enough with this kid that they didn't even consider giving him or her to anyone else?"

"Yes," Petra said seriously, and Levi felt a rare stab of uneasiness in his heart.

He paused, before humming, "Hmm. Alright. So what new challenge does she have for the Wings of Freedom's strongest?"

She smiled fondly. "That's just it. The kid isn't in any of the systems. They have no idea who he is. And he doesn't talk much, so the only information they've been able to get out of them is his name and his date of birth. He's…he's really skittish, she said, and that's putting it very mildly. Dr. Zoe said they've mostly had to keep him sedated because when he first woke up in the hospital, he started panicking so badly that he blacked out, and when he woke up again he hyperventilated, threw himself off the bed, and hid himself in the corner of the room. Wouldn't let anyone come near him without screaming bloody murder. When someone did finally manage to touch him, he scratched their face so bad they needed stitches. And…"

"…and?" Levi prompted her, stomach turning at the thought of what she would say next.

"Apparently he bit the nurse too. On the face. Tore out a chunk of the poor girl's cheek. And…and swallowed it."

"Christ," Levi breathed in horror, "And Hanji wants me to take this kid? Did she happen to give her reasoning as to why I'd be the perfect one to handle a cannibal?"

Petra huffed a quiet laugh, and answered, "Like she said, she doesn't know much about this kid, other than this name, age, and that he's terrified of everything. Which makes him perfect for our agency and for our best. She said the only other person she could remember being this crazy at one point out of all of our members was you."

Levi let his head knock against the head rest of the seat, running a hand through his hair, feeling his nerves accumulating and wanting to do something with that energy. Petra noticed, and pointed out, "You know, you don't have to accept the case. We're just going to take a look at this boy and observe him for a bit, see if you can handle him."

"I know, I know," he sighed. It wasn't unusual for him to meet his new cases in a hospital or in juvie, but this kid just sounded like a whole other universe of insane. Still, the first order of his job was to give him the benefit of the doubt, so he continued after a moment, "So what's his name?"

"Eren," Petra said, putting on her directional and turning onto the highway that would lead them straight to the hospital, "Eren Jaeger."

"And how old is he?"

"Seventeen. Apparently his birthday is in March."

"Hmph." Levi crossed his arms over his chest. "Good thing they found him now, otherwise we wouldn't be able to help him and he'd just be shipped off to Hutchings."

Petra nodded in agreement. Hutchings was the local psychiatric center, though no one ever called it that, not in these rural parts. It was more crudely referred to as the "nut hut" or the "funny farm" by the locals. Once people went in, it took a long time before they got out, even longer if their mental illnesses were severe. That's what happened when a psychiatric center was underfunded and its workers, while dedicated to their mission, were underpaid. The few that stuck around were overwhelmed and often didn't have to deal with all of their patients, and mostly ended up keeping them sedated and locked in their rooms without doing anything to help them because they simply didn't have the time or means, and a dose of haloperidol–promethazine was so much easier to administer than round the clock care.

"As messed up as he sounds," Petra said, "We have to believe we can help him. That's the mission statement of the members of the Wings of Freedom, right? To help every child the rest of the world is convinced is beyond saving."

Levi nodded. She was right, of course she was. "And this is why I chose to bring you along instead of Oluo, Gunther or Eld. God can you imagine? Oluo would turn around the instant he found out that the kid had bitten someone and eaten their flesh. Ironic considering how much he almost bites off his own tongue."

Petra laughed lightly, and then caught sight of the exit looming above them. "Ah, there it is. We're almost there."

He grunted in response, and leaned back in his seat, glaring at the bright city lights and loud rushing of the cars blowing past them. He'd feel better once he was back under the mellow light of his moon, with nothing but the winter stars and the foxes in his back woods for company.

000

Once they made their way into the hospital, they were immediately greeted by Dr. Hanji Zoe, a family medicine practitioner who just so happened to be the favored doctor for the Wings of Freedom agency. She was great at what she did, and, like the members of the Wings of Freedom themselves, she understood the situation of many of the kids she helped, because she was in their position once. Yes, her passion for her work bordered on psychotic and her enthusiasm for anything and everything drove Levi up a tree, but she was a great asset to what they did, so he tolerated her.

"So," Hanji asked once their hellos were out of the way, "You guys up for meeting him? It should be safe. He's asleep right now."

Levi narrowed his eyes at her, and growled, "We're here to observe his behavior to see if I'll be able to take him on as a case and begin to implement a plan to help him based on that. How are we supposed to observe his behavior if he's asleep, moron?"

The doctor waved her hand dismissively. "They'll wear off soon, don't you worry. Then you can see for yourself what I described to Petra over the phone. Should be interesting. It's a shame that he's like this. Eren is…"

"Is what?" Petra inquired.

"Well, if I may be frank," Hanji elaborated, "He's a very pretty young man. He'd have very lovely eyes if they weren't so full of fear. It's just a shame that whatever happened to him to cause this amount of terror and high level of reactivity did happen. I mean, it's a shame that it happens to any of the children of course, and all of them are lovely, but Eren is…well, you'll see."

As they walked down the hallway, Levi found himself asking, "So, how did Eren end up in your hospital in the first place?"

"Well," Dr. Zoe told him, "Someone found him passed out and unresponsive in the snow and called an ambulance for him. But that isn't really the interesting bit."

"What do you mean?" the dark haired man wondered.

"For one thing, he was completely naked. In that case, it's lucky they didn't find him any later. Otherwise he probably would have died from hypothermia in this weather. But what shocked me was the fact that there was a heavy metal collar around his neck."

He heard Petra gasp beside him, and felt a spike of rage prickle in his chest just before his face hardened into a glare. Hanji continued quickly, "We took it off as soon as he was admitted, kept it as evidence. You usually don't see things like unless you're dealing with the victim of a serial killer, or at least that's in my experience."

"I guess that just gives us an idea of what we're dealing with," Levi surmised, still grinding his teeth, "If this kid was in the hands of a serial killer or anyone else with antisocial personality disorder, no wonder he felt the need to bite someone's face off when he woke up."

Hanji nodded. "I haven't even told you guys about all of the injuries we found on him when we examined him."

Petra and Levi looked at her expectantly, but before she could fill them in, she stopped in front of one of the rooms, and gestured towards the open doorway. They stopped to take in their surroundings, and it was only then that they realized they were now far away from the main bustle of the hospital, and were all but isolated from everyone else. The quiet was very unsettling, and Levi was sure he had never been in this part of the hospital before. There had never been a need. It only served to unsettle him more.

As if reading his mind, Hanji explained, "We had Eren in one of the other rooms before, but after he attacked our nurse, we decided moving him away from everyone might be best. I think all the noise and all the people in the room were just too much for him to handle."

The two of them nodded, and went in ahead, Hanji following behind them.

Levi's eyes were firstly drawn to the lack of people in the room. Normally there were at least a few nurses and other patients set up a single room, but other than a single other nurse changing out the I.V bag, who left when she saw them enter the room, there was no one. It was dead quiet. Even the lights had been dimmed when they first walked in, before Hanji went over to turn them up slightly. His eyes drifted over to the single bed and its occupant next, and Levi felt the familiar sensation of a million conflicting emotions rushing through him, prominently sympathy, horror, and anger, the same emotions he always felt when he got his first look at a victim.

His first thought was that Hanji had been right; Eren was a lovely young man, his skin and hair dark and his face gentle with youth. But his face itself was gaunt, hollowed most likely by a severe lack of food, and his lips were chapped and cracked by a lack of water. He looked like he needed a bath quite badly as well, his hair noticeably greasy. The blankets had been pulled up almost to his chin, and there were quite a few of them, more than what the hospital usually put on its patients. There were also odd shaped lumps on the kid's chest. Levi raised an eyebrow, but before he could ask, Hanji filled him in.

"He was suffering from severe hypothermia when we first admitted him," she said as she stepped in front of them, joining them beside Eren's bed, "We finally got his temperature stabilized, but we've kept a few heat packs on his chest and back still. Can't hurt in this weather. But as I was saying before, once we stabilized him and he warmed up enough to regain consciousness, he freaked out, passed out, woke up again a few minutes later and then launched himself off the bed and smushed himself into that corner over there."

She pointed to the corner of the room nearest the bed, Petra and Levi's head following her hand. "We tried to be as careful as possible getting him to come out. Everyone was quiet and calm, didn't move too suddenly or anything, but he was still so scared that he started hyperventilating and urinated all over himself."

Petra clucked sympathetically, and murmured, "Poor sweetheart."

The doctor hummed in agreement, before continuing, "We finally got Hitch close enough to touch him, and when she did, that's when he attacked her. He made a break for the door, but collapsed before he could get too far. I chalk that up to the fact that he's pretty severely emaciated. He just wasn't strong enough to make it. After that, we had some other nurses subdue him pretty quickly, but he wouldn't calm down, so we didn't have a choice but to drug him. That was about two hours ago though, so it should be wearing off soon. While we wait though…"

They watched as Dr. Hanji very carefully pulled back the blankets, letting them sit in a giant pile on top of Eren's lower legs. Coming to stand closer by the bed and looking intently, they observed as she removed the heat packs from his chest and set them aside, before carefully gripped Eren's hospital gown from the bottom, pulling it up until it was rumpled under his chin. They averted their eyes, waiting until she covered up his lower body again. Once she did, the first thing Levi noticed was that Eren was terribly thin, just as he suspected from looking at his face. His ribs, which expanded and contracted subtly as he breathed, and his collarbone, looked like they were about to poke through his skin. He made a disgusted noise, and Petra echoed his sentiments.

"Damn," he said, "Kid could poke an eye out with those ribs."

Hanji confirmed, "He weighs less than you, and he's almost a head taller than you are. I think he's around thirty to forty pounds underweight. But that's pretty fixable. Blood tests came back not too long ago told us he's not underweight because of an illness, so all he needs is a few good meals and he should be good as new in that department. However, I wanted to show you guys this." She pointed to a rather large scar on his chest near the area where his ribs met. Levi recognized the shape of the scar, as many of his friends in the police force had one like it.

"Looks like he was shot," he said grimly.

Hanji pressed her lips into a thin line. "That's not the only scar that disturbed me. Look at the one a little to the right of that one."

They did so, and they noticed a long, thick scar where she had pointed out. When they looked to her for answers, she said, "It looks like a surgical cut, but not one made by any doctor I know. If surgeries do leave scars, they're pretty small and neat. They don't look like this. So it makes me wonder who was performing their own surgery on him, and why. Maybe it had something to do with the bullet wound, maybe not. We won't know unless he tells us."

"Good fucking God," Levi growled.

"Oh, hold on," Hanji said somberly, "You're about to get even angrier. Now, I won't show you, but I can tell you what I found on his lower half."

She replaced the heat packs back on Eren's chest after she pulled his hospital gown back down, all before she pulled the blankets back up to his chest. He didn't so much as flinch at her touch, still deep in his drugged sleep. Once she was finished, she turned back to Levi and Petra.

"His bottom half is _covered_ in injuries," she finally said, "Some of them have scarred over, some of them are recent. It's all concentrated on his groin and upper thighs, so I'm guessing these are injuries from prolonged sexual abuse. That would have tipped me off enough, but there's so much tearing in his anus that it's pretty obvious. There's cuts, bruises, even burns around and even on his genitals. Looks like at one point his urinary tract was damaged to the point where it's led to issues of incontinence, so it looks like he'll be wetting himself a lot more in the future, poor thing. I don't know if that only happens when he's scared, or if it'll happen at other times too. Only time will tell."

When she finished, Petra made a mournful, shocked sound and covered her hand with her mouth. Levi swallowed hard, trying to push down the bile that had risen in his throat.

"Dammit," he hissed, "No wonder he was trying to fight you guys. Look what's happened to him. Probably doesn't trust anyone anymore."

Hanji reassured him with a hand on his shoulder and a kind smile. "That's why you're here. To rehabilitate him. To give him someone to trust and show him that the world isn't a cruel place."

Levi snorted. "I'm not going to feed him that bullshit. The world _is_ a cruel place. I'll forget my own name before I forget that. And like my mom always said, the world is a lot harder on the prettier ones that end up in situations like Eren's, or mine, or hers. I show these kids that they're stronger the cowardly bastards that did these things to them, and teach them how to own that strength. Once you do that, they tend to find the beauty in the world on their own, and that's the moment I live for."

Before either of them could respond, they heard a soft groan behind them, and all three of them stiffened at the sight of Eren's eyes fluttering open. None of them moved, or even dared to breathe as he worked on clearing the sleep from his eyes, blinking them harshly. Levi was shocked at how very green his eyes were; it was so rare to see eyes such a deep shade without some other color mixed in. Those eyes widened a moment later, pupils shrinking and dilating, movements drunken but violent in their conviction as he very quickly stiffened and sat up in bed, scooting towards the end of it, as far away from them as he could manage, knocking off his heat packs. His I.V tugged threateningly on his hand, straining against the tape that held it in place, the pole following him slightly. His shoulders rose and fell rapidly as his breathing began to pick up, and Levi could have sworn he saw the kid's pulse hammering in the main artery that ran through his neck, the rushing blood pushing at the vein roughly. A low whine rose in Eren's throat, his whole body tense and preparing for fight or flight. This terrified, hunted posture was such a stark contrast to his unconscious state just a few moments ago.

Hanji smiled at him, not moving from her spot. "Hey, kiddo, we were just talking about you. How are you feeling?"

Eren's eyes just flickered rapidly between the three of them, his pupils still sharpening and dilating as he fought the drugs lingering in his system and trying to drag him back under. The threat of losing consciousness seemed to frighten him even further, as his whimpering increased in volume.

"Aw, honey, we're not going to hurt you," Hanji told him. She nodded towards the people beside her. "This is Petra, and that's Levi. They're friends of mine. They want to help you like I do. Petra's nice, Levi…eh, as long as you have a squirt bottle to spray him when he misbehaves he's tolerable."

Levi shot her a withering look, and flicked his eyes back towards Eren, noticing that at her words, his breathing seemed to slow down the tiniest bit and his shoulders lowered just a fraction. He moved his hands to readjust his grip on the sheets below him, but the I.V snagged, tugging hard at his skin and impeding his progress. Startled, he glanced down at it, and gave it another hard tug.

"Oh, no, Eren, that has to stay in," Hanji said, reaching forward to halt his actions. Her fingers made the barest of contact with the back of his hand, no more than a whisper of a touch, but that was all it took for Eren's eyes to widen impossibly more, and for him to cry out, and leap off the back of the bed, successfully ripping the I.V out of his hand. A spurt of blood followed, and soon the back of his hand was covered in it. The pain of that and the fall from the bed, combined with the spike of fear that rose from not being able to haul himself off the floor due to his severely weakened body, seemed to drive up his breathing and plunge him into the beginnings of another panic attack. He felt his throat closing, the blood draining from his limbs, and the familiar tingling in his face settle in. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he pathetically tried to scramble away from them, breaths wheezing in and out of his chest. The blood from his hand continued to drip steadily onto the floor, and Levi made his move, knowing they had to get that patched up before he lost any more blood. Combined with all the diseases he could catch with an open wound like that, they needed to get him taken care of as soon as possible.

Slowly, purposefully, he went to the side table beside the bed, and grabbed a roll of medical tape that happened to be sitting out. Then, he went over to Eren and knelt down a few feet in front of him. Eren flinched away, but when he saw that Levi wasn't moving anymore, he too stilled. The two of them stared each other down for a long moment, Eren still breathing rapidly.

"Alright Eren," he instructed calmly, "I'm not going to touch you. We do need to patch up your hand though, yeah? But we need you to calm down a bit first. I know you can do that for me. Breathe with me, alright? Concentrate on that first. In," he raised his hand, and then lowered it slowly as he said, "and out."

His shoulders heaved a few more times, before they jerked in a way that told Levi that Eren was trying to follow his instructions. "Good, very good," he praised, "Again. In…and out." Eren did so again, and Levi offered him a smile as a reward. He continued to talk him through it until the boy's breathing eased significantly, though his hands wouldn't stop shaking. The bleeding hadn't ceased either, and that's when Levi decided now was the time to hand Eren the tape. Petra and Hanji watched with rapt attention, amazed. He kept his eyes lowered to the ground and kept his movements slow and purposeful, body angled away from the boy's, all gestures of appeasement to show him that he wasn't going to suddenly lunge and attack him.

"Alright, now I'm going to hand you the tape," he told Eren evenly, "I'm going to put it between us, and you can take it when you're ready." He did so, placing the tape on the floor between them and then backing away slightly.

Eren stared at the tape for a moment, before looking up at Levi, then back to the tape, then back to Levi. The man even nodded in encouragement, and finally, Eren stretched forward and took it. Levi had to hold back the sigh of relief he wanted to release, keeping his eyes on Eren as the boy began to wrap the tape around his hand. Once he was done, he tore it off at the end, pressing it down so that it stuck to itself. He inspected his handiwork for a moment, and when he deemed it acceptable, he looked back up at Levi. There were so many emotions flickering through his eyes that the man couldn't hope to name them all, but he thought he could see, past the overwhelming suspicion and terror, perhaps, a flicker of curiosity.

And then, suddenly, it all came crashing down. A thunderous stampede of footsteps, followed by a scream of agony down the hall, was enough to startle Eren severely out of the trance, and send him scrambling towards the exit. He heard Hanji curse behind him while Petra made a dive for the boy, grabbing him around the waist and pinning his arms to his side. He immediately began shouting at the top of his lungs, thrashing in her grip and trying to knock his head backwards into hers.

"I'm sorry Eren!" she said loudly over his screams, "I'm so sorry, please don't fight, it's okay!"

But he wasn't listening to her in the slightest, panic rendering him blind and deaf to everything around him. Levi didn't want to add to it, but the boy was fighting Petra with everything he was worth, and was quite strong, even though he was so emaciated. He brought one of his feet back and kicked her in the shin, hard, but not hard enough to make her let go, although her grip did loosen slightly, allowing him enough room to wiggle one of his arms free. That was when Levi intervened. He approached them swiftly, taking hold of Eren's free arm firmly and pressing himself close. Sandwiched between the two of them, the boy continued to fight, though his struggles were losing momentum and his screams were quieting down. But his breathing was still so rapid that Levi was certain he was going to pass out at any moment. And then, the boy lunged forward towards Levi's face, teeth bared. He dodged just in time, wrenching his head to the side, narrowly avoiding the same fate as the nurse from before. He knew they couldn't keep this up much longer, and Eren was so far gone in his fear that he was beyond reason.

"Hanji!" he called out to the doctor.

"On it!" she replied instantly, a syringe already in her hand as she walked quickly over to them. Eren saw the needle, and his cries resumed a new ferocity and pitch, redoubling his efforts to escape. Shockingly, he even managed to form words.

"No!" he wailed, his throat sounding raw and shredded as he begged, "No no no no no NO! Please, _please!_ I don't want it, _I don't want it!_ I'm sorry I was bad, I'll be good!"

"Shh, Eren, it's okay, it's okay," Petra tried to soothe him, and Levi could see the heartbreak on her face. It didn't ease until Hanji managed to get the needle in his arm, and Eren began to go slowly go limp in their arms, his cries fading away into nothing. Once he was completely unconscious, Levi hefted him up in his arms, placing his arms under the boy's knees, and carried him back over to the bed, gently placing him down onto the mattress. Petra was by his side in an instant, helping him to cover Eren's body back up with the blankets while he made sure that all of the boy's limbs were tucked up inside. She then smoothed the blankets over him, tenderly tucking them up under his chin. She stepped back after she was done, about to mention what a handful Eren had proved to be, but instead looked curiously over at Levi when he didn't do the same thing. He was wearing an expression on his face she had never seen before, and she had no idea what it meant. It was intense, but she wasn't sure in what way. She did know that it was focused entirely on the sleeping boy in the bed, however.

"Well then," Hanji sighed after a moment, "Now that the fun's over with, I think I'll go and grab Eren's paperwork for you guys to look over."

After a moment, Petra stated, "I'll come with you Hanji. I think…I think I need a moment."

Hanji looked at her strangely, before Petra nodded toward Levi. That was when she understood; she wanted Levi to have a moment alone with Eren, to fully gather his thoughts and decide for sure whether or not he wanted to take Eren on as a case. She grinned in understanding.

"Alright, sure Petra, I could use the company," she replied cheerily, "Levi, you'll stay with Eren?"

He nodded an affirmative. "Yeah, I'll stay with him. We'll both be here when you come back."

They watched him pull up a chair next to the bed, barely taking his eyes off the boy as he did so, and both women smiled at each other hopefully, before they made their exit. That left the two young men alone, and finally gave Levi a quiet moment to contemplate the boy in front of him.

Despite almost losing a chunk of his face as well, Levi had to admit there was definitely something about this kid's countenance that he liked. It was thin and worn, a loud testament to the horrid life he had been forced to live, but there was something else underneath the surface that he found interesting, and that was all the contradictions there seemed to be in it. For example, his face was haggard, yet it was also a wellspring of life and vitality was just waiting to be released with a few healthy meals and a caring environment. His skin was warm and dark like the earth, but his eyes were cool and luminous like the water. Despite the harshness of what Hanji had told him, there was something unbelievably gentle and sweet trying its hardest to bloom forth from within Eren. All Levi had to figure out how to do was how to draw it out.

Suddenly, Eren's brows began to draw together, his face scrunching up into a pained expression. A whine climbed up his throat, starting off quietly and gradually gaining in volume. Levi put together pretty quickly that the boy was having quite the bad dream; it was obviously potent enough to cut through the drugs.

Levi was completely taken off guard, unsure what he should do, or even if he should do anything at all. It was when sweat began to gather on Eren's brow and his eyes began to flutter open that he truly began to get nervous. He desperately didn't want the kid to have another episode. He wasn't sure if his weakened heart could handle it at this point. And he definitely didn't want to watch that needle disappearing into that soft, yielding flesh again, or see his body slump so lifelessly and so suddenly. So Levi's panicked mind did the first thing it could think of. First, he grabbed the boy's hand in both of his, mindful of the I.V, knowing he was taking a great risk by touching someone who was obviously so afraid of it, so he did the second thing that came to mind. Something far more risky, but for some reason, something Petra always called his secret weapon when calming down the frightened kids he took on as cases.

He started to sing.

It wasn't much. But his mind was scrambling for the happiest, sweetest song that it could remember, and all of those had come from his mother. So, out of him came a little ditty he could recollect her singing as she playfully danced with him in their room, deep in the unknown world of the underground. Embarrassingly, it was a love song, but it was all he had on hand at the moment, and he figured it was better than nothing.

"Hello pretty one

with eyes like the sea,

come and dance with me,

come and dance with me.

Hello pretty one

with eyes like the sea,

dance on the waves with me."

Eren stilled, eyes still fluttering and barely open, but gaze too blurry to truly make anything out. His whimpers quieted slightly but didn't cease, so Levi continued, gripping his hand a little tighter.

"I'll dance with you

upon the waves,

come and fly with me,

come and fly with me.

I'll dance with you

upon the waves

and give you my first kiss.

"Oh lovely one

so close to me,

say you'll stay with me,

say you'll stay with me.

Oh lovely one

so close to me,

you took my heart with your lips."

At that, the boy let out another few whimpers, but they dissipated into hums before softening into sighs. Levi felt his fingers flexing in between his palms, as if they were waking from the haze of sleep and fear and feeling for the first time a source of warmth and a point of contact. He wasn't sure if Eren was trying to grip his hand tighter or pull it away, but he decided to make that decision for the terrified young man and curled his fingers a little tighter around his hand. The boy didn't resist, instead choosing to let his hand relax completely.

Eren, for his part, even though his brain was drowning in tranquilizers and despair, still picked up the sound of Levi's voice and instantly reacted to it. For a split second, the primal center of his brain urged him to fight; it was a male voice he didn't recognize, and unfamiliar male voices were to be feared. But just as quickly, something in that voice shut off that panic. Perhaps it was the deep, soft, vibrato that touched his nerves and soothed them. Perhaps it was the even, rhythmic quality to the tone that melted the icy dread in his pounding heart and created a cloud of warmth that steadily rose into his throat. Perhaps it was even the words themselves, providing Eren with pretty pictures that his sleepy mind seemed to conjure up easily of a place he had never seen, but wanted more than anything to visit. He saw the turquoise waves, the white foam as they crashed into a heated, sandy beach. He saw the couple Levi sang about dancing upon the ocean, their faces hopelessly affectionate towards each other, both of them young and carefree. Eren even felt a foreign sense joy rising up within him as danced along to the bouncy tune on the sand. He threw his head back, and felt the spray of the ocean, felt the warmth of the sun on his skin, felt his own long forgotten laughter bubbling up within him.

"My dearest one,

my only sun,

I will stay with thee,

I will stay with thee.

Oh dearest one,

my precious sun,

just sing these words to me:"

And at last, Eren's eyes shut gently, his muscles slowly relaxing one by one. Levi observed with wonder as the tension melted from his expression, and his dark lashes settled on his cheeks once more. He surrendered to his medicated sleep once more, and when he woke, he wouldn't remember his dream. However, the feeling of peace would indeed linger within him, and it would give him a taste of a state of being he wished to remain in forever, but sadly knew was impossible.

"Hello pretty one

with eyes like the sea,

come and dance with me,

come and dance with me.

Hello pretty one

with eyes like the sea,

dance on the waves with me."

Levi let out a huge sigh the instant he saw Eren's breathing even out, and once he was sure he was asleep once more, he let go of his hand, but not before rubbing the boy's knuckles with his thumbs almost as an afterthought. It was at that moment that he heard Hanji's voice behind him, and he whipped his head around to see both her and Petra in the doorway.

"Holy shit," the doctor breathed, "How did you even…you just- Jesus Levi."

Levi cleared his throat awkwardly, averting his narrowed gaze to the white-tiled floor for a moment, as if searching for what he should say there, before replying, "I panicked. I just wanted him to calm down and didn't know what else to do."

Hanji's mouth continued to hang open for a moment, before it snapped shut, and she gasped, "Well you- no, you don't understand. Nothing except the drugs has gotten him to relax so far."

Levi shrugged. "He was still pretty drugged. He was probably too out of it to really…you know."

Petra laughed softly, nudging Hanji with her elbow, and said, "See? I told you he's perfect for this case."

Levi scratched the back of his neck, still glaring at anything but them. Why did they have to catch him singing? This was why he so rarely did it, because whenever anyone heard him, they would make a big deal out of it, and he just couldn't understand why. He knew without a single doubt that he sounded like an alley cat on its deathbed, and yet every other idiot on the planet tried to tell him otherwise.

"So what do you think?" Hanji asked after she recovered, crossing her arms and cocking her hip confidently, "I know he's going to be a tough nut to crack, but I'm confident you can do it. Will he be making the ride back with you?"

He lifted his head to gaze at her for a moment, blinked, and then slowly turned his eyes back to Eren. He was still sleeping peacefully, his head turned subtly towards Levi. His expression was so soft now, his face that lovely mix of contradictions: earth and water, horrifying and hopeful, light and dark. He had to admit he was intrigued. And the boy had responded to him. Perhaps he would respond again? If for nothing else, he wanted to spare the others in the agency from their most difficult case yet. If the Wings of Freedom's strongest couldn't handle Eren, no one could. So, he sighed after a moment, and nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter is of my own creation. I'd imagine the tune to it sounds similar to "Tanz Mit Mir" by Faun. In fact, the title of this fic is borrowed from another song by Faun of the same name. "Federkleid" means "plumage." Hope you guys enjoyed, more to come!


	2. Erstes Lächeln

Eren had to spend a week and a half in the hospital before Levi could take him home, and he was kept under heavy surveillance the entire time since he was considered a high a flight risk. Hanji spent the most time with him, having no choice since Petra and Levi couldn't visit him every day, as they lived quite a ways away from the hospital. She tried to build a rapport with him, but it wasn't easy when Eren would barely react to her presence. All attempts at socializing were ignored in favor at staring at the walls, or the floor, or anywhere but her face. Any food she tried to give him was also ignored, despite the fact that he was clearly starving. He did drink the water that was brought to him, so Hanji knew he at least saw the world around him and could react to it, especially if his previous fits were any indication; he just clearly had a warped version of the world, and she once again found herself wondering what had happened in this kid's life to shape him into someone that found his own mind to be so much safer than anything the outside world had to offer.

Eventually though, when Eren collapsed on the third day while on his way to the bathroom, Hanji knew they had no choice. Whatever trust they had managed to gain, if any at all, was going to have to be destroyed. They were going to have to force Eren to eat.

The first real spark of awareness Hanji had seen from the boy since Levi and Petra left returned when he caught sight of the narrow tube being carried by one of the nurses. Apprehension immediately washed over his features, and he fixed the doctor with a questioning look.

"It's alright, hon," she tried to reassure him, "It's just a feeding tube. It's super small and thin, see? You won't feel much, I promise."

When he processed her words, his eyes widened, and he gasped harshly, setting himself to try and scramble out of bed. Before he could get too far though, two male nurses appeared on either side of him and grabbed at his arms, holding him to the bed. This of course only prompted Eren to fight them, arching his back hard and thrashing his legs. Hanji sighed heavily, and she ordered the nurse holding the feeding tube to get the nitrous oxide machine they had waiting on standby in the hallway.

When the nurse returned with the requested machine, she and the doctor worked to maneuver the mask onto Eren's face, which wasn't easy considering the boy was trying his damndest to break free, even biting the mask when they tried to bring it closer to his face. When he wouldn't let go, the nurse had no choice but to pinch Eren's side as hard as she could. He cried out, letting go of the mask in the process. When he was distracted, Hanji slipped the mask over his face and the nurse turned on the machine, both of them watching as Eren tried desperately to fight the effects of the gas. He kept making little plaintive sounds, tears filling his eyes, which instantly began to grow heavy. Once she deemed him woozy enough, she moved in, setting to work. Hanji removed the mask, and carefully began to push one end of the sterile tube inside Eren's nose.

When he felt the tube began to slide down his throat, Eren whined pathetically, his body jerking in protest in a feeble attempt to fight back. But his brain was so clouded by the laughing gas that he couldn't hope to put up any resistance. Hanji shushed him, feeling horrible that they had to do this to him.

"Shush, sweetie, I know," she clucked sympathetically, "I know it's uncomfortable. But you have to keep still so we don't hurt you. If you can Eren, I want you to swallow for me. It'll help it go down easier."

Something she said must have penetrated, because after a few moments, she saw his throat convulse, Adam's apple bobbing lazily. Another moment passed, and he swallowed again, and then stopped, fading away for the time being. Luckily, it didn't matter, because soon Hanji felt the tube hit resistance, and knew the end was settled in his stomach. With that, she looped the other end around his ear, and said the mix could be poured in the tube.

The stuff certainly didn't look appetizing; it was an orangish-brown, almost slurry-like in consistency, but Hanji knew it contained vital nutrients and would be something that would return the energy Eren was sorely lacking to his depleted body. That didn't stop Hanji's stomach from turning as she watched the mixture travel slowly down the tube until it disappeared inside Eren's nose.

Unfortunately, that was how Eren had to be fed during his stay since he continued to refuse solid food, and yet the mere mention of the feeding tube sent him into horrid fits of panic. The only times he slept were when it was induced with medicine, and he was only washed when he was asleep in his bed, far too weak to sit up in a bath or shower.

Well, if Levi had wanted a challenge unlike anything he'd ever faced before, Hanji certainly figured he'd found it.

That was her thought as she wheeled a half conscious Eren out on a wheelchair to where Petra and Levi waited in the lobby on Eren's discharge day, both of them looking reserved, and yet hopeful at the same time. Hanji explained their progress after they checked out and were taking him to the car, most of which Levi already guessed.

"So basically, nothing has changed," he concluded bluntly.

"Unfortunately, that seems to be the case," Hanji agreed reluctantly. She glanced down at the boy, who was blinking heavily and for now sitting passively in his wheelchair, allowing himself to be transported without a fuss, "Other than the fact that we may have created a new phobia of feeding tubes, which is the bad news. The good news is we managed to get some food in him as a result. It made him feel pretty sick, but it stayed down at least, although it seems we got very lucky in that regard. Make sure whatever you feed him is very gentle on his stomach, Levi. It's not used to having food in it anymore, so it's more than likely to reject whatever you try to put in there. Liquid things, then work your way up to solids."

"I can manage that," he said, watching the way Eren's head lolled slightly to the side, before it jerked up again, his sleepy eyes trying to take in the wonderful sight of them leaving the hospital at long last.

"And keep him warm," the doctor continued, "With so little fat on his body, his core is going to have a hard time regulating his temperature. Don't let him get cold enough to shiver, it's just going to take energy he doesn't have. When you give him showers though, keep them lukewarm, otherwise the heat will be too much for him and he'll pass out."

"So keep him warm, but not too warm? You're giving me a headache."

She just shrugged. "Just telling you what's going to help him get better. When you're this emaciated, your body has very little tolerance for extreme temperatures. And it's freezing out today, so blast that heat in the car on the way home."

"We will," Petra assured her, "Otherwise Levi complains his hands are too cold on the steering wheel and I am not listening to that for forty minutes. Wouldn't have to if someone would just remember to leave his gloves in his coat pockets."

"Bite me," Levi grumbled.

Hanji tilted her head. "Hang on, I thought you liked winter?"

"I do. Just hate the fucking cold. Humans shouldn't live in places where the air hurts your face."

It was at that moment that they reached the double doors that led out of the hospital. Petra ran outside to the car quickly, which was parked near the front in preparation for their arrival. She turned it on and grabbed a blanket from the backseat, before she pushed her way back inside the hospital. When she made her way back over to them, she gingerly wrapped the thick, wool blanket around Eren's shoulders and draped it across his lap. He barely made a peep in response, still too out of it to fuss much. With him sufficiently covered, they pushed Eren outside, trying to be as quick as possible about their work since the air was, indeed, so cold that it hurt their faces. After they opened the door to the back seat, Levi picked Eren up out of his wheel chair awkwardly under his armpits and knees, trying to be as careful as possible as he slid him inside the car. Petra got in on the other side to pull him in the rest of the way and situate him against herself against the seat, holding him so that he leaned against her.

Once everything was situated and yet another blanket was laid across both Petra and Eren's laps, Levi thanked Hanji for everything, and with instructions from the doctor to call if he needed anything, he pulled out of the hospital parking lot and set off for home.

Levi kept glancing in the rearview mirror every few minutes or so to check on Eren, pleased to see that it looked like the boy had settled in for a nap, leaning heavily against Petra with his head lying in the crook of her shoulder. She met Levi's eyes in the rearview mirror, smiled at him, and began rubbing Eren's upper arm absently, before turning her gaze out towards the rolling hills that began to appear, a sign that they had finally left the city and were closer to home.

The car ride was thankfully uneventful. It was when they pulled up in front of Levi's house that the man began to grow a bit nervous, wondering how the kid would react. Luckily, it seemed that the drugs were still pretty solidly in Eren's system, keeping him groggy enough that they had no problem lifting him out of the car and guiding him up the driveway and through the front door, Petra and Levi each having an arm of his looped around their shoulders. Though Eren didn't walk too much, his feet dragging more than doing any actual walking.

Once they got inside, Levi held up the boy's weight while Petra removed his shoes, and then helped him walk him in towards the guest room that had been set up for Eren. Petra quickly opened the plush blankets on the bed, watching as Levi laid Eren down. They opted to leave Eren in the clothes he was in since he had been dressed in a pair of sweats and a huge hoodie, figuring it was comfortable enough to sleep in. Once Eren was covered back up and settled in, Petra came to stand beside Levi again, admiring their work, happy to see the boy looking so calm and warm, snuggled as he was in all those blankets.

"I think he'll sleep for you for a while," Petra guessed.

Levi just nodded in agreement, face completely expressionless. A half smile worked its way on her face as she leaned down slightly to regard him, her short hair falling forward to obscure part of her face.

"You nervous?" Petra asked.

"I'd be stupid not to be," he answered, "It's just going to be me and him in this house. Not that I haven't restrained lots of brats successfully before when they got out of hand, but I didn't have to worry about them biting chunks of my flesh off."

She shook her head slightly at him, her smile only growing wider. "I don't know. You didn't have him laying against you in the car. He snuggled right into me, and he let out this cute little happy sigh. I think he wants to trust us, Levi, I really do. He just doesn't know how, or he's forgotten how. But you'll show him how. And if you need help, you know I'm right down the road, and so are Oluo, Gunther and Eld. We're just a phone call away if you need us."

"I appreciate it, Petra," he said quietly, the sincerity showing in his eyes as he turned his head to look at her, "Thank you."

With that, he walked her to the door, and she departed, but not before giving him a hug of reassurance, and once again wishing him good luck.

Now, Levi was left alone with his charge.

At first, the older man wasn't sure what he should do. Usually the kids were awake when he first brought them home, and that was when he'd give them a tour of the house, let them know the rules, etc. Well, he figured when Eren was awake, he could do that. Instead, for now, he decided he would just let the boy sleep off the drugs and check on him periodically during the day. In the meantime, it was close to lunchtime, and Levi's stomach was complaining rather loudly and insistently, reminding him that breakfast had been a long time ago.

It was a couple hours after lunch that Levi wandered back into the guest room, expecting to find any number of things; Eren still asleep, Eren just waking up, Eren in the midst of a panic attack because he didn't recognize his surroundings.

However, he didn't expect Eren to be mashed into a corner of the room, shivering on the floor violently, his knees drawn up to his chest and his eyes locked in a thousand yard with the wall opposite him. Levi remained frozen in the doorway for a moment, too shocked to move, before years of experience commanded him to kneel, to get on Eren's level and make himself appear smaller so that he wouldn't be intimidated by the older man. However, he remained in the doorway as he spoke, not wanting to get too close and scare the boy.

"Morning, kid," he said softly, "Well, afternoon now. I think it's like three or something. Sun's already so low in the sky. But that's winter for you, makes it seem so much later than it is…"

Levi stopped himself, knowing he was rambling, and wanting to see what Eren would do next. The boy's eyes snapped into focus, those brilliant green irises training on him and fixing him with an apprehensive stare. He was probably wondering where he was, so Levi decided the only fair thing to do was fill him in.

"Brought you home from the hospital this morning," he explained, trying to keep his tone as low and even as possible, "This is my house. Hanji told you you'd be staying with me, right? You remember that?"

Eren didn't reply, instead continuing to stare and shiver hard. Levi offered, "Hey, how about getting back into bed? It'd be warmer there."

The boy just hugged his knees tighter, placing one foot under the other in hopes of warming his cold, bare toes. Noticing this, Levi moved purposefully from his spot on the floor to the bed, pulling the huge comforter off and moving towards Eren with it. When he was about a foot in front of the boy, Eren flinched, gasping softly, and Levi halted. Of course, Eren was still afraid of people coming too close to him. But his thin, chilled body very badly needed the warmth of the blanket. So, he compromised, backing off a few steps and placing the comforter on the floor, before retreating back to the doorway, kneeling down once more once he was there. Eren just stared at the comforter, before looking at Levi with confusion. Levi just sat there, waiting for him to take it, but when Eren didn't move, he realized that Eren was waiting for express permission to take the comforter.

"Go ahead, Eren," he said, "If you're cold, you don't have to ask to take a blanket. Just do it."

With profound relief, Eren grabbed the huge, fluffy comforter, wrapping himself up in it, even pulling it over his head in a sort of hood, covering his cold ears. When he was done, all that was visible was his face. Levi had to hold back a smile at the sight.

"Is there anything I can get you?" he wondered, "You're probably hungry. What would you like? Hanji said right now you should only eat things that would be easy for you to digest since your body isn't used to processing food anymore. Want some soup maybe? Or toast? I have oatmeal too…what sounds good?"

Eren's lips quivered, as if he wanted to reply, but then seemed to think better of it and closed his mouth again, burying himself deeper into the blankets. Levi sighed, and pushed himself to his feet. "Alright. I'll make you something and bring it in here to you, okay? Unless you want to join me in the kitchen, you can. Up to you."

He paused in the doorway, waiting to see if Eren would get up and follow him. When he remained cowered in the corner, he decided to just head into the kitchen. Perhaps Eren would follow him when no one was watching him. But he didn't, and Levi ended up fixing the boy a bowl of brown sugar oatmeal alone, the house remaining eerily quiet the entire time he worked. When he returned to the bedroom, Eren was still in the same position, although he wasn't shivering quite as hard. Subtle tremors still ran through him, and Levi wondered if those were from weakness, or if those were from a still lingering chill. Either way, the hot oatmeal should warm up the boy's insides and then work to warm the rest of him. He placed the bowl on the floor between them, where Eren regarded it with a fearful eye. Levi repeated his ritual of backing away into the doorway and kneeling on the floor once more.

"Go ahead," he prompted, "It's yours if you want it. I know you have to be hungry."

Eren made no move to take it, simply watching the tendrils of steam curling up from the oatmeal from the corner and huddling even further into his comforter. Levi exhaled heavily and, once more got to his feet.

"Well," he said, "It's there when you want it. Bathroom is across the hallway if you need it. When you finish eating I'll show you around the house so you know where things are, okay? Petra and I went shopping for you while you were in the hospital, so there's lots of clothes in the dresser there and the closet has some slippers and more hoodies for you if you want something warmer. Come find me when you're done eating if you want, I'll be in the living room. I've got a fire going in the wood stove, it'll be much warmer in there than in here."

Once more, Eren offered no reply, or any indication that he'd heard Levi at all, keeping his gaze locked on the bowl of oatmeal. He was probably waiting for Levi to leave so he could eat in peace. So, the older man took his leave and went to the living room, hoping he'd see Eren in there after he finished eating.

He didn't, of course. Nonetheless, he gave Eren an hour and a half, before he went back into the guest room to check on him. The boy hadn't moved from his spot, and shockingly, his oatmeal remained untouched, the spoon which Levi had placed in it still waiting expectantly. The older man tried not to let his disappointment show, figuring Eren's stomach might be too full of nerves to have any room for food.

Instead, he simply picked up the bowl, saying, "Alright, well, if you get hungry later, the fridge is always open, just take out whatever you want. Anything else I can get you?"

Eren didn't say anything, but his eyes were focused on Levi. The fear was still there in his expression, but that curiosity he remembered seeing for that brief moment in the hospital was fighting for dominance as well. Levi watched with bated breath as Eren's lips parted, opening and closing on words that seemed to be at the tip of his tongue. It was then that he realized he had never heard Eren speak; scream, yes, but never just normally speak. When the possibility was being dangled in front of him, Levi realized that he very badly wanted to hear Eren's voice.

But he wasn't going to get the chance tonight. Eren shut his lips once again, averting his eyes to the floor. Levi shrugged, assuring him, "It's okay, Eren. You can speak whenever you're ready."

Surprisingly, Levi received a nod in response to his words, and it made him happy in a way he couldn't describe. Probably because he had finally gotten a response out of the boy that wasn't negative, and it proved that he was in fact listening to Levi, that his mind wasn't so far gone that he was incapable of reacting to the world around him. It was a step in the right direction.

Holding onto the oatmeal, Levi prepared to leave the room, telling Eren, "I'm going to have dinner, then shower. You should probably shower too. You'll feel better and it'll help warm you up."

Eren swallowed audibly and sank a little further back into the comforter, which was still wrapped around him. Figuring that was as much of a response as he was going to get, and that Eren was clearly growing weary of his presence, Levi decided that now was a good time to leave.

"I'll be up for a while yet," he told Eren, lingering in the doorway for a moment, "So if you need anything, let me know."

Eren of course said nothing in response, so Levi left him, making his way into the kitchen to put together dinner. After that was done, he made notes in the journal he had dedicated to Eren's case, which was meant to record their progress. It helped to make a visual list of the boy's problems so Levi could figure out what he would need to work on.

_January 13:_

_Brought Eren home from the hospital today. He's still skittish; won't let me get too close to him. Won't leave the corner of his bedroom. Refuses the food I offer him, even though I know he has to be hungry, and for the most part refuses any attempts at communication. Though he has tried a couple times to speak when prompted, but the most I got out of him today was a nod when I told him he could speak freely in the house. He seemed very nervous when I offered him the shower. Makes sense. Hanji said based off his injuries, he was sexually abused. He might not have good memories associated with a shower._

_I guess the first step is to get this kid to trust me enough so that I can touch him without sending him into a panic attack. It would certainly make things easier. But as of right now I have no idea how to accomplish that. I suppose time will tell. For now all I can do is give the kid his space, let him come to grips with what's happened, and hopefully he'll seek me out when he's comfortable._

Satisfied with his notes, Levi relaxed on his couch, flipping through the few channels his t.v got. However, he kept the volume low, not really paying attention to what he was watching, instead keeping his ears open for any signs of movement from Eren. He hoped the boy would leave his room at least once today so he could genuinely say they had made some progress, but at the same time he had to remind himself that Eren was much different than the other children he had helped. True, he had been abused and neglected as they had been, but this was on a whole other level. The other children he had had as cases before had all at least been willing to speak with him, even if it was just to argue with him. They had at least felt confident enough to move around his house, even if it was an attempt to steal or destroy things. And they had at least been fine eating the food he had offered them. Eren did none of these things.

Levi sighed, feeling restless and guilty that he was so contentedly clean and warm and his stomach felt so comfortably full while Eren remained cold and hungry and filthy, even if it was by his own volition. He decided he would check on the boy once more before bed, offer him food one more time, and once again remind the boy that he was here if he needed him.

So, carefully and quietly, Levi made his way back to the guest bedroom, flipping on the hall light as he went so that he could hopefully see inside without turning on the bedroom light itself. Peering into the dim bedroom, he could see that, no, Eren still hadn't moved from his spot, and that he appeared to be asleep, leaning back against the corner with his head pillowed in the comforter. However, his shallow breathing indicated that he was just dozing, and that in fact his sleep was not at all peaceful. As his eyes adjusted, he could see Eren's face scrunching up into a pained expression, his lips moving rapidly as he muttered under his breath, tears glistening in the faint light along his eyelashes.

Levi was torn; his first instinct was to go to the boy and wake him, to release him from whatever bad dreams had him trapped and were making him suffer. But he also knew that Eren wouldn't react well if he touched him, and there was no Hanji here with a tranquilizer on standby. He had to make a decision, and quickly, because a high, kneeing wail had begun in Eren's throat, and he was beginning to thrash, tangling his legs up in his blanket.

Luckily, Eren seemed to solve the dilemma for him. The boy pitched sideways, falling to the floor and waking him partially upon impact. Concerned, Levi flipped on the lights and walked swiftly into the room, figuring if Eren were hurt, his dislike of being touched would have to be forgotten for the moment. He kneeled down in front of the boy as he came to, picking him up by the shoulders.

"Hey, Eren, you okay?" he asked softly, but firmly, "You hurt? I think the comforter cushioned the worst of the fall"-

Eren, for his part, had seen a dark, male shape coming quickly towards him, leaning over him, and saying things his half-awake brain couldn't comprehend. However, years of torment had trained his fight or flight instincts well, pushing them harshly to the forefront of his consciousness and forcing him violently into full awareness. His eyes snapped open, tears overflowing and slipping down his cheeks, and he wrenched himself backwards out of Levi's grasp with a cry. He left the comforter behind as he tripped over himself to wedge his frail body into the corner by the bed, hugging his knees defensively to his chest, shielding his vulnerable belly. He covered his head with his arms, and he began to tremble hard. His back heaved with painful sobs, and all Levi could do was sit and watch, wishing he could pull the boy into his arms and comfort him, those pitiful sobs tearing right through him. His heart ached at seeing him in such clear distress, more so when he knew there wasn't a damn thing he could do to make it better.

However, his shock turned to horror when he moved a little closer, and began to pick up the words Eren was murmuring so quickly and so desperately to himself.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice high pitched and breathy, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I made you this way. I didn't mean to turn you gay, I'm so sorry. I was good though today, I was good, please don't punish me. I was good…"

Unable to know how to respond to that, Levi was quiet for a moment, his brain processing what Eren had said, before he finally formed what he hoped was a reassuring reply. "Eren…" he began calmly, trying to hide the horror in his voice provoked by the implication in the boy's words, "Eren, no one is going to punish you. It's just me. Levi, remember? We're still in my house. You're safe here. No one is going to hurt you. I won't let them."

But Eren didn't seem to hear him. He continued to mutter to himself, apologizing over and over again to someone who was no longer there, the person Levi now understood to have been the one responsible for the shell of a kid in front of him, someone who had sucked out everything Eren had once been and replaced it with fear, so much fear that he couldn't function anymore, was afraid of simple things like human contact and flinched at every shadow. Who had struck him so often that he had made Eren forget what a gentle touch felt like, how beautiful and warm kindness and love were. Levi wanted to badly to remind him, right then and now, when he was suffering so badly and clearly needed it, but he had to ignore his heart and listen to his head, which was telling him that Eren was once again too far gone to listen, and if he tried to touch him again it would backfire horribly. All he could do was sit with the boy until he calmed down enough to hopefully go back to sleep.

Well, he could sit with him, and one other thing.

There was no one else to hear him, and he figured it had worked on Eren once. Perhaps his singing could work its magic on the kid again. So, he called to mind an old lullaby of his mother's, something she would sing to him when his own nightmares would wake him in the middle of the night and prevented him from going back to sleep. She would sing to him about the outside world, something he had never seen, replacing the scary images of his dreams with peaceful imaginings of what a meadow might look like.

"Deep in the meadow,

a wise old willow,

father of all the sweet peas

said this to me:

 

"Sleep beneath my roots,

take off your boots,

lay down your head

on a soft, mossy bed.

 

"Fairies, sing sweet,

sing of summer, sing of fleece,

sing of stars,

sing long, travel far.

 

"Follow the fox, follow the cricket,

dream your way through lush, green thickets.

Dream deep, dream long,

dream your way home again

with this song."

Once again, Levi managed to replace the hot, terrified images in Eren's head with cool, soft ones, sweet images of willow trees and dew on moss, of foxes frolicking through sweet peas and crickets chirping on summer nights. It slowed his panicked breathing, soothing his frantically beating heart, and once again, Levi's smooth, slightly husky voice gave him something positive to focus on. He lifted his head at last from his knees, meeting Levi's eye and sniffling pathetically. His face was drenched with tears, his cheeks red and blotchy, and Levi had to fight the impulse to reach forward and wipe them away. He clenched his fist against his thigh, deciding the only thing he could use right now to comfort Eren was his words.

"See?" he said gently, "It's alright now. Well, it will be as long as you don't tell Petra or Hanji that I sang again. I don't know why they make such a big deal over it. Well, I know why Hanji does. She's certifiably insane."

Eren blinked at him a few times, and then, Levi could have sworn he saw the ghost of a smile appear on the boy's lips. Then, he told Eren to hold on for a moment, before he ran into the kitchen, and returned with a cup of water, figuring the boy had to be thirsty. He supposed correctly, because when Levi set the cup on the hardwood floor, Eren didn't hesitate to pick it up and shakily lift it to his lips, Adam's apple bobbing furiously as he drew half the water into his body in one go. He pulled away with a gasp, had a few more sips when he caught his breath, and then set the cup down again, regarding Levi with a softer, less fearful expression. His eyes shone with the faint light of the hall, that flicker of curiosity stronger than ever in them. Levi felt it touch something deep within him, something that desired to make Eren trust him more than ever, something that wanted to make the boy forget what fear felt like.

"You'll learn Eren, don't worry," he continued, "I promise, you'll learn it's safe here, and you'll learn how to trust me. I'll work hard to earn your trust, and I'll do it if it kills me. You deserve it, Eren. It's the least you deserve…"

And at that, Eren did smile. It was shaky and fragile, like the boy it belonged to, but it was unmistakable. And Levi couldn't not smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is of my own creation. ^^ Title of this chapter means "First Smile."


	3. Berühren

_January 16:_

_Eren is continuing the same pattern of refusing food, sleep and touch, all the while getting weaker with every passing day. I need to change my tactics, and fast. But what on earth can I possibly do? I'm giving the kid his space, and have expressly let him know several times that he can come to me whenever he's ready, that I'm always available no matter the time of day. I don't sleep for shit anyway, so if he needs me at three in the morning, odds are I'll be up. I've reassured him I don't know how many times that he's staying in a safe place where no harm will come to him, that I'm more than capable of protecting him. It's all done precisely nothing._

_I've even tried calling Petra and Hanji to get their opinions, and they had both assured me that I'm doing the right thing, that Eren just needs more time to come out of his shell. But he doesn't_ have _more time. If he doesn't start eating soon, he'll end right back up in the hospital again with another feeding tube down his throat. I've even told the brat that in a desperate attempt to get him to eat, but all it made Eren do was cry and hide his face in that blanket, and it made me feel like the most horrible person in the world. I'm running out of options._

Then, one morning in the aftermath of a restless night where zero sleep had been obtained by anyone in the house, the answer came to Levi after he despondently put down his pen after writing his entry in his journal. He was searching through google in a last ditch attempt to find an answer, even though he knew the sources were very unreliable. But he was desperate. Eren was getting too weak to haul himself to the bathroom, and had already had a couple of accidents on the floor. Hanji had mentioned that his sphincter muscles had been slightly weakened by the trauma he had endured, combined with the complete lack of energy in the boy's muscles, and if this kept up, Levi was afraid he was going to have to get the kid diapers. He would feel horrible if he had to strip away at Eren's dignity even more, so he feverishly continued to look for an answer, refusing to give up on him.

The answer to his dilemma came to him, not from a site that told him how to treat victims of abuse, but how to get wild horses used to human contact. Confused, but figuring he had nothing to lose, he checked it out.

The article stated first and foremost that horses by nature were nervous animals, and they were nervous because biology had built them that way; it helped them survive. Figuring that sounded enough like Eren, he kept going, seeing also that in order to break through that fear, a person must condition horses to trust humans, and in order to that the human must get the horse used to human contact. Start off by just hanging around the barn with them, constantly talking or singing, whatever, just as long as the horse gets used to your voice and smell. Feed them, and make sure that they see where their food is coming from, they'll begin to associate you with the food. Then, when they become used to your presence, and only then, can you attempt to touch them.

The article kept going, talking about taking the next steps beyond that, but Levi stopped reading, staring past his laptop screen, heart pounding with his sudden realization. Of course. Of _course._ Why hadn't he seen it sooner? He dearly wanted to smack himself for his stupidity. He just had to hope he wasn't too late.

He had already established that Eren's life was ruled by fear, but Levi hadn't understood in what ways the fear was affecting him. The kid barely trusted the ground under his own feet. He didn't eat not because he wasn't hungry, but because he was afraid of the food itself. He must have had a bad experience where he had been in a similar situation, starving, desperate for even a morsel to alleviate his severe hunger pangs, and when he had been given something to relieve the ache, and it hadn't ended well. The same could be said for everything else. He was afraid to speak because it had been ingrained in him that he would receive punishment if he did so without permission, or Levi knew sometimes that trauma could make a person mute, as they were unable to give voice to the swirling storm of emotions in them, so they simply decided to remain quiet. Either one was possible at this point. He was afraid to take anything without permission, because he had been punished for doing so.

He was afraid of trusting and loving, because he had been punished for doing so.

It was all so clear now. He had to recondition Eren, not by staying away, but by coming closer. His job was to undo all the damage and make Eren relearn everything from the ground up, starting with the basic task of making him realize that he could eat without having to worry that it was poisoned. Hopefully, in that way, he could make the boy see that Levi was no threat.

So, feeling sufficiently motivated, Levi quickly got up from the table and worked on making breakfast, a thinner oatmeal that he sweetened slightly to make it a bit more tempting. He made two batches, putting them both in a bigger bowl, and once it was done, he carried it, his laptop and two smaller bowls into the guest room. Not surprisingly, Eren was still there, in his corner. He hadn't moved from that spot since the first day he came here, except to go to the bathroom, and even then, Levi noticed that Eren only felt safe enough to do so at night. He could only imagine how painful that had to be, holding his bladder and bowels all day. But hopefully he could change that starting now.

Eren was falling asleep, also not shocking. The kid barely slept, anxiety keeping him on edge, and because of the severe lack of sleep, his body often forced him into unconsciousness against his will at random points of the day, which had to scare him even worse. When he heard Levi's footsteps, even if they were soft and muted by his overly soft, winter socks, he jerked awake with a sharp inhale through his nose. His eyes met Levi's, guarded, but not as guarded as they had been. Levi offered him a small smile.

"Morning," he greeted, "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Just thought I'd have my breakfast with you this morning. Hope you don't mind."

Eren blinked at him, confused by this turn of events, and immediately suspicious. When he didn't offer a further response, Levi simply sat himself on Eren's unused bed, placing the bowls on the floor. The boy watched curiously, eyes fixed on the oatmeal, mouth watering when he caught the smell, but his anxious mind overruled his body, telling him to forget his hunger, that food he hadn't made himself couldn't be trusted. He gritted his teeth, turning his head away, keeping the tempting sight out of his field of vision. Levi noticed, but of course pretended not to. He wasn't leaving this room until this kid ate something, even if it was just one mouthful.

He opened up his laptop on the bed, opening up the tab where he had started his official report to Erwin, the head and founder of the Wings of Freedom, on Eren's progress thus far. Normally, Levi only had to send one of these a week for his cases, but since Eren's was considered an unusual case, he was required to report to Erwin more often, at least until Eren started to make a turn for the better. He turned to look at Eren on the floor, trying to keep his expression and tone nonchalant, though it was proving very difficult. Eren looked so pitiful, his face gaunter than ever, his whole body so tiny that if Levi didn't know better, he'd say he was a lot younger than seventeen going on eighteen.

"Going to do some work while I eat too, if that's okay," he stated, nodding at his laptop, "Erwin, my boss, has me swamped. Can't find time to stop and take a piss, much less keep up on all the shit he gives me. So I find myself eating and working at the same time a lot."

Purposefully and slowly, Levi bent down to pick up the oatmeal and the two smaller bowls, looking at Eren to make sure he was watching. He was, unable to take his eyes away from the food, even though that tiny voice in his head was commanding him to do so. He'd flick his eyes away, and then inevitably, not even a second later, he'd find himself looking back. Levi scooped some of the oatmeal into his bowl, and then, with another look to make sure Eren was still watching, he poured some oatmeal into the second bowl. He then placed that second bowl as close to the kid as he dared without making Eren nervous, and then turned back to his own breakfast without a word, deciding not to verbally offer the food and allowing Eren to make the choice whether or not to eat it for himself. After all, actions spoke louder than words, and since words hadn't worked so far, perhaps actions would.

Levi held Eren's gaze as he ate the first few bites of his breakfast, nodding to himself after he tasted it. "Hmm, not as bad as I thought it'd be, especially for being so runny. Sweeter than I'd like, but I suppose it covers up the texture. Haven't made it this way before," he said, hoping to make it sound appetizing to the starving boy. He was also hoping that by purposefully eating in front of Eren, not only would it perhaps make him feel sympathetically hungrier, but also prove to him that, by Levi taking food out of the same bowl that he took food out of for Eren and consuming it, it was safe to eat. At least, that was the theory. All Eren had to do now was make that leap, and decide if Levi was worth trusting on this, even a little.

He continued to eat, pretending to focus on his laptop, when his mind was really focused on the boy in the corner, still sitting perfectly still, but his eyes were now flickering between Levi and the bowl. The older man could practically see the wheels in his head turning. It had to be safe, right? Levi was eating out of the very bowl that he had offered to Eren. He wouldn't do that if he poisoned it. Unless, he had built up tolerances to particular poisons and wouldn't be affected. But it was Levi's job to protect Eren, he had said so himself multiple times, he wouldn't hurt him. He'd get in big trouble with this Erwin he had just learned about. And…maybe, there was a one in a million chance, that maybe Levi did, on some level, really care about Eren. It was tempting to think about, almost as tempting as the bowl just inches away from him, beckoning to him with a siren call, the smell filling his head and making it all he could think about. Levi's offers of trust and comfort sounded just as delicious, making his heart ache with a hunger the same intensity as the one that plagued his stomach. And truly, Eren was just as starved of positive, gentle touch and affection as he was of food. He wanted both so badly that it made him want to cry.

But now, an offer for that affection remembered was being dangled in front of him. However, he was still so terrified; his trust in a person had been broken violently and mercilessly before. But Levi…Levi wasn't like that. He had helped Eren already, calming him through his fear, soothing him with sweet songs even when he told Eren he didn't like to sing. But he had done so for him, putting aside his own comfort for Eren's. Someone who wanted to harm him wouldn't do that, would they?

Would they?

Eren whined, long and low, his head hurting from indecision. Levi had to restrain himself from asking if he was alright, sensing that the boy was at a breaking point and was about to make up his mind, and the last thing he wanted to do was disrupt that. Eren's whine soon trailed away, and he saw out of the corner of his eye, the kid staring down the bowl of oatmeal, leaning forward, and then sinking back down again, muscles tense and twitching. He noticed Eren's throat bobbing continuously, most likely swallowing down an excess of saliva due to his mouth watering so fiercely. Honestly, he was amazed that the kid had this much restraint; Levi knew that if he were in his position, he would have pounced on that bowl like a rabid dog long ago.

Eventually, that restraint broke at long last. Levi heard Eren's stomach growl; a lengthy, loud, painful and pitiful sound that the man felt empathetically in his own gut. Eren flinched from the discomfort, held still for a second longer, and then shakily picked up the bowl in front of him. He hesitated for yet another few agonizing moments, before he picked up the spoon stuck in the oatmeal, and lifted a mouthful to his lips. As soon as the warm, sweet oatmeal hit his tongue, long dormant instincts seemed to erupt inside the boy. His salivary glands began working overtime, and his stomach yawned into a vast, bottomless pit, feeling emptier than it ever had in his life. He swallowed quickly, stuffed another spoonful in his mouth, and swallowed that one even faster. As the food hit the bottom of his hollow gut, it sparked his digestive juices to life, and the organ churned, producing another harsh squelching sound, pleading for _more._ And then soon the only thought that consumed Eren's mind was, not whether or not he could trust Levi, but to fill his belly as quickly he possibly could, to fill it and _live._

The moment Eren took that first bite, Levi sighed quietly in deep relief. He watched as Eren's movements became more rapid and shakier as his body filled with adrenaline and desperation, causing him to eat even faster, ingesting the food without even tasting it. At this point, it probably could have been poisoned and Eren wouldn't have cared, so lost was he in his desire to eat and revive his desolated body. The more he ate, the more full he felt, and the more full he felt, the better he felt. But all too soon his spoon was scraping the bottom of the bowl, and his stomach was still clambering at him for more, telling him it wasn't satisfied yet. Eren stared at his empty bowl, as if unsure what to do next, before he realized he only had one option. He looked up at Levi, eyes shining pleadingly, and held up his empty bowl towards him.

Seeing the movement out of the corner of his eye, Levi looked down towards Eren, and asked, though he knew the answer, "Still hungry?"

Eren nodded quickly, placing the bowl on the floor in front of him, and Levi found himself unable to hold back an elated smile. His plan was working, and it was working better than he could have hoped. Not only was Eren eating, but he was actually asking Levi directly for more. Maybe he wasn't speaking, but this was more than enough for now. Levi had hoped to prompt that response by purposefully giving himself and Eren a small portion of oatmeal each. Not only would it encourage Eren to eat a bit more slowly (because he knew if the boy ate too much too fast, it would send his system into shock and his body would simply reject the meal by forcing him to throw it up) but it would help to encourage Eren even further to trust Levi. It would show him that Levi was the provider of his resources, not the taker-away. He could trust Levi to feed him untainted food, food that would return his energy and make him healthy again. So, with his heart quickening in excitement, he gave both himself and Eren another small portion. This time, Eren didn't hesitate to take the bowl back and continue eating.

That was when Levi noticed the tears glistening down Eren's cheeks and his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Alarmed, he asked, "Eren, what's the matter?"

Eren sniffled hard, swallowed his mouthful and shook his head, before he nodded towards the oatmeal. He lifted his eyes from the bowl then to look at the man, and the green irises were swimming with both tears and something more profound, something Levi had a hard time identifying at first, but when he did, his eyes widened and he drew in his breath sharply but softly. Eren's eyes were filled to the brim with elation, elation and gratitude so deep and emphatic that even if he felt like speaking, he didn't need to. His tearful eyes, his drenched cheeks, and his shaky smile all screamed _thank you, thank you, thank you so much_ to the older man. Eren was crying over a fucking bowl of oatmeal, thin and runny oatmeal at that. But this was how long the boy had gone without food, so long that even subpar stuff like this could bring him to tears. Levi's heart ached for him, and it ached hard.

After he finished his second bowl, Eren asked for yet another, and after that was finished, he finally slowed and stopped, giving a satiated sigh after his spoon clinked at the bottom of the bowl. When he heard that, Levi told him he'd be right back, and when he returned, he was holding a cup of water. Eren took it from the floor after Levi put it down for him and gulped down over half of it, washing down his breakfast. Once his thirst was satisfied, he put the cup down again, and simply regarded Levi, his eyes flickering over the man with interest. He was also using the moment of quiet to adjust to the long forgotten sensation of a pleasantly full stomach, something he had forgotten the sensation of. With his belly full, it prompted his muscles to relax slightly, for his anxiety to retreat for a moment and for a drowsy, contented feeling to fill his core and warm him. He felt a sleepy smile working its way onto his face, and he didn't have the energy to repress it. Besides, it felt good to be so full and happy, and it wasn't lost on him that these comfortable feelings were because of Levi.

"Feeling better?" Levi wondered with a crooked smile.

Eren nodded sincerely back, and Levi didn't miss how his knees had dropped from in front of his stomach so that his legs lay in front of his body. It was a subtle movement, but it meant that his body was lowering its defenses somewhat if he was willing to leave his vulnerable midsection unprotected by his knees in front of the older man.

"Good," he said, picking up his and Eren's bowls, as well as Eren's cup and the bigger, now empty bowl that had held all the oatmeal. He stacked all the dirty dishes together, before turning to look back down at Eren, his expression gentle and sincere as he said to him, "I'm very proud of you, Eren. That was a brave thing you did, trusting me enough to eat food from me."

Eren's eyes widened in surprise, wondering how the man could have guessed such a thing in the first place, before Levi continued, "I figured it out on my own. And with a little help from an article about gentling wild horses. Odd, but I'm not complaining at this point. But I realize now that you weren't refusing food to be difficult; you were just scared. You scared the shit out of me though, kid, I really thought I was going to have to take you back to the hospital."

Eren pursed his lips and worked his expression into one of guilty nonchalance, and shrugged his shoulders. He then smiled apologetically up at Levi, before his eyes fell back to the ground, embarrassed by his actions though he didn't know why. Did he…did he actually care that Levi was worried about him?

Did he care about Levi at all?

The boy thought of his full stomach, the comforter draped around his shoulders, the soothing words and the songs for him and him alone again, believing the impossible notion that maybe, on some level, Levi cared about him and his wellbeing. But was he doing that because it was his job to? Probably. Even so, it was more than Eren had had in years, and he wasn't about to complain. That alone was enough to prompt a mutual feeling of caring, even just a little one. He might care about this man's feelings towards him, and he might feel bad that he had made him concerned about him. He also might feel guilty enough to try and never such a thing again, and instead work on recovering so that Levi could continue to be proud of him. He wouldn't admit it; he was very afraid to in fact, but Levi's words of praise made him feel _good_.

But all these big, profound thoughts would have to wait for another time. For now, the meal settled comfortably in Eren's stomach was taking its toll, making him feel drowsier and drowsier by the minute. In front of Levi's eyes, his chin began to dip towards his chest, his eyes growing impossibly heavy. Levi's mouth quirked into another fond half smile, a little sad that such a relatively small meal was so much for the boy that his body was commanding him to sleep so that it could work on digesting it without worrying about spending energy on keeping him awake. A sudden thought sparked in Levi's mind, and he hoped in his more relaxed and agreeable state, Eren would listen to him. He cleared his laptop and dirty dishes off and away from the bed, putting them on the floor near the doorway to be taken care of. He then went back to the bed and opened up the remaining blankets, patting the mattress invitingly.

"Here, why don't you take a nap?" Levi suggested, backing away into the doorway, "I'll make you lunch when you wake up. We can eat together again in here if you want then."

Blinking heavily, Eren nodded after a moment, his sleepy mind processing the words a bit more slowly than usual but still liking the sound of them. A nap in a real bed sounded good, and that bed looked so big and soft, so much nicer than the floor. And another meal with Levi…that didn't sound too bad either. Nothing bad had happened when they had eaten together…perhaps nothing bad would happen again? Perhaps this could become a regular occurrence.

Eren pushed himself to his feet stiffly, at last leaving his corner for the first time since he had arrived here, and Levi's heart soared at the small victory. He watched as Eren collapsed onto the mattress with a soft "poof," his head landing on the pillows. He groped blindly for the blankets, finally finding them after a minute and pulling them over himself. Not a minute went by before Eren's breathing evened out and deepened into the true sleep that had eluded him for days. And Levi knew his work here was done for now.

But before he left, he picked up the comforter from the floor, deciding it needed to be washed, as it smelled faintly of urine. However, he returned with a new comforter a moment later from the hall closet, and carefully draped it over Eren, covering him in another layer of thick warmth.

Levi allowed himself to take in the rewarding sight of his charge sleeping peacefully, his back to Levi, his sides rising and fall subtly under the blankets, before he picked up his dishes and laptop, and left the room, the warm feeling remaining with him for the rest of the morning.

000

This new routine continued for the next week, Levi spending his meals, and eventually most of his day in Eren's room, and then afterwards Eren would settle down to sleep in between meals, his recovering body too exhausted to do much else. He would do all of the talking, of course, and he was fine with that, knowing the point of this was to get Eren used to his voice and presence, and it seemed to be working. Sometimes Eren would ignore him, but for the most part he held the boy's undivided attention, and he would nod or shake his head in response to something Levi said. It made the man excited that Eren was in fact responding to him regularly now, and that he was eating almost every single one of the meals Levi was bringing to him. More importantly, most of the meals were staying down, the only mishaps occurring in the beginning of the week when Eren ate a little too enthusiastically and made himself sick as a result. He found himself sitting in front of the toilet more than once puking his lunch or dinner back up, and he had learned his lesson the hard way to eat slowly and carefully, no matter how hungry he was.

That evening, Levi found himself once again sitting with Eren, he on the boy's bed, and the boy himself on the floor, but no longer wedged in the corner. He was in the middle of the floor now, much closer to Levi than he had previously been, only a foot or so away.

"Basically, we're another option in the foster care system," Levi explained after swallowing his bite of mashed potatoes, speaking of the Wings of Freedom and what it was they did, "Instead of sending kids that are too messed up for the system to juvie or Hutchings when they turn eighteen, we take them in a rehabilitate them. We try and show them how to live a normal life while giving them counseling, taking them to doctor visits or whatever else they need."

Eren scooted an inch or two closer to the older man, taking his plate with him, his eyes sparkling with interest. He held up his now empty plate, and instead of placing it on the floor, he kept his hand on it as Levi filled it again, keeping his movements slow and purposeful. Eren had started doing this just today, and when he had praised him for it, Eren's cheeks had flushed a light pink, and he tried to hide his smile in his knees but failed. His reaction was sweet and his delight had been clear. Levi then wondered how often he had been told he had actually done something right in the past few years. Probably few if at all.

"We receive a whole range of training too," he continued, refilling his own plate, "mostly in child psychology, but also we also learn about forensic psychology, how the justice system works, take self-defense, have to maintain a certain level of physical and mental health…it's a pain in the ass, but if you're passionate enough about it, it's worth it. But it's so rigorous and difficult that many don't make it through the program. That why there's not many of us, or many willing to work with us. Lots of doctors and cops think we're wasting our time with the kids we work with, that they can't change. I don't think they want to believe it really, but they're realistic, and I understand that. But I still can't get fully behind their points of view seeing how many kids we've helped."

Eren paused in chewing his bite of steak strips mixed with gravy, raising his eyebrow in disbelief. Levi nodded in agreement, snorting at Eren's reaction. "Yeah, I know. They're crazy, right? I mean, in the years I've worked for Erwin, I've rehabilitated seven kids, and all of them have gone on to lead meaningful lives. Yes, they still carry their problems with them, and they will for the rest of their lives, but they can at least function in society and find happiness in the world. And someday, you're going to be like them, Eren."

Eren huffed, narrowing his eyes, and turned his head away from Levi. Levi just narrowed his eyes back, and growled, "Hey, I mean it. I'll be damned if you end up in Hutchings or anywhere where you're not free to live how you choose. You may be the toughest case we've had, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try any less hard than I do on every other case. If anything it just means I'm going to try harder."

The boy's eyes widened, fixing him with a look of utter incredulity. He bit his lip, and shook his head hard, before reaching up and burying a hand in his hair, tugging at the strands, lowering his gaze to his lap. But Eren's denial only made Levi angrier, not necessarily at him, but at the person who had shaped him so that he now believed terrible things like this. He scooted himself towards the edge of the bed, leaning down and slowly placing himself further into Eren's space. The boy flinched away slightly, and Levi backed up, settling for just sitting on the edge of the bed as he continued.

"Yes, Eren," he argued softly, "You _are_ worth it, to me and to everyone else in the Wings of Freedom. If you haven't put me off yet, you won't ever. I can imagine the sorts of things the person who did this to you told you, and I can tell you right now without a doubt that he's dead fucking wrong. It's not even up for debate. He was wrong about every negative thought he put into your head. I know how this shit works, kid, I've seen it again and again. You're not worthless, you're not evil, and you're not weak. You've got something special and beautiful inside you the world hasn't seen yet, and when it does, you're going to blow everyone out of the water with it."

Eren couldn't hope to stop the tears that were now slipping silently down his cheeks, yet he still tried to wipe them away furiously. He couldn't believe the wonderful, terrible things Levi was saying; wouldn't believe them. He was wrong about everything, he had to be. Otherwise, everything Eren believed about himself, everything he had become comfortable in believing, would be a lie, and if that were the case it would shake the foundation of everything he had ever known. He'd have to rebuild himself from the ground up, and he knew he couldn't do that. At least not alone. But who on earth would want to help a lost cause like him?

"I know I seem like I'm talking out of my ass," Levi concluded, "But I promise you I'm not. I've lived it, Eren. When I was your age, I was right where you are right now, except no one was helping me. I was locked up in an underground bunker with two other women that my mother and I were trapped with, and I had to sit there and watch as that man and his partner raped and tortured every single one of them, and I could do nothing to stop it. I spent the first seventeen years of my life not knowing what the sun felt like on my skin, or how blue the sky really was. I only knew fear, torment, and sex, and I'll tell you, I'll never forget for as long as I live how the degradation I felt when these men sold me off to their friends so they had extra money to fund their bunker, or the fear I felt every day knowing my life could end at any moment. Nothing will make me forget that. And that's why I do this, why I'm doing this for _you_ , because I remember how it feels to feel like you're less than nothing, and I never want another child to feel that way about themselves."

Eren went stock still at Levi's confession, his eyes going impossibly wide. His heart seemed to stop, turning into a dead, cold lump in his chest. He lifted his head from the floor to stare at Levi, his expression shocked and heartbroken. He had…Levi had…no way. How could he be the same as Eren? Levi was strong, and kind, in his own, rough, sarcastic way. How could anyone have done such horrible things to someone like that? But then Eren remembered that evil did exist, true evil. He had stared it in the face every day, and knew Levi was telling the truth. Then, he said something else that floored Eren, more than his confession even.

"You're the first person I've told that story to," the man admitted somewhat hoarsely, "Not even Erwin or Petra know that much."

If it was possible, the boy's eyes went even wider, the white nearly taking over his irises. He began to shake slightly, not understanding why Levi would tell him such a thing, of all people. He was nobody, just a shell of someone who used to be a worthwhile human being. He found the question so overpowering, that he found his lips forming it, _why?_ , and though no sound left his throat, Levi still understood. Amazed that Eren had just attempted speech for the first time with him, he felt compelled to answer without hesitation.

"Because you understand better than they do," Levi explained, "You… _we're_ not like them. We're not even like the other kids in the program. They've faced hell, yes, but we've looked the devil dead in the eye and gave him the finger. We were tormented for no other reason than to bring others pleasure, Eren. And we survived it."

He leaned forward slightly, once again putting himself in Eren's space, and this time, the boy's only reaction was an increase in his breathing rate. Levi was so close now, so close now he could smell the man's clean, slightly musky scent. But Eren wasn't backing away. He didn't even back away when the man said lowly to him, "And tonight, we found out that we aren't alone anymore."

Eren's heart seemed to lodge itself in his throat, his head pounding as it was overwhelmed with this new information. Not alone anymore? He wouldn't have to shoulder the burden of his trauma by himself any longer. He could…could he possibly share it with Levi? Based on what he told him, Levi would understand. He wanted to understand, and he had told Eren he could trust him over and over, that we would work to gain Eren's trust. He had done so much for him, and Eren had offered so little in return.

Eren continued to chew on his bottom lip, tightening his jaw, and reading the signs of his distress, Levi backed away again, slightly disappointed. He really was hoping he had broken through to Eren, even just a little bit. Trying to cover up his disappointment, he held out his hand said, "Here, give me your dish. I'll take it in the kitchen to be washed."

After a moment where he gathered his thoughts and got a hold of himself, Eren complied. However, when Levi took the dish, for an instant their hands were both grasping it, and in that instant, their fingers brushed against each other. Eren gasped and quickly let go, and Levi nearly dropped the dish. He wasn't shocked in the same way Eren was; he was terrified that he had upset the boy, and after he put the dish on the bed, he immediately began a string of apologies.

"I'm so sorry Eren, I didn't mean…I didn't know your hand was that close, I didn't mean to scare you," he amended.

And then, the boy surprised him yet again. Instead of retreating back to his corner, as Levi was so afraid he was going to do, Eren's hand shot forward and tentatively grasped Levi's own. The older man sucked in his breath sharply and froze, watching to see what Eren would do next. The kid stared hard at his hand for a moment, his brows furrowing and relaxing, before his expression went completely soft. His eyes filled with a wonder so deep that Levi could barely comprehend it, and the boy's breathing went shallow as he ran his fingers along the ridges of Levi's knuckles. He kept his hand limp and pliable as Eren gently turned it over and felt along his fleshy palm. Levi marveled at their contrasting skin colors; Eren's skin was so much darker than his, brown like the earth, while his own was so pale. His hand was even slightly smaller than Eren's, but the boy's fingers were still so bony and thin, a testament to how emaciated he still was. His fingers were cold too, and Levi had a strong urge to take that hand and hold it between his own in order to warm it up.

Eren hesitated, and Levi could see the wheels in the kid's head turning as he determined what he should do next. Then, after a moment, he lifted Levi's hand to cup the side of his face, and held it there with his own. Eren gasped at the sensation, and a moment later, when Levi began to move his hand to slowly stroke through the boy's hair, the boy's eyes rapidly filled with tears, his face crumpling.

Alarmed, Levi worriedly asked, "Hey, you okay?" He attempted to pull his hand back, but surprisingly was stopped by Eren tightening his grip on it, the tendons standing out in his hands from the effort. And just when Levi thought he couldn't possibly be more shocked than this, Eren spoke.

"No!" he pleaded, his voice extremely hoarse from disuse. But in the quiet, it was deafening, and for Levi, time stood still. Though his vocal chords strained, his words came out clear as Eren uttered plaintively to Levi, "Stay. Please stay, Levi."

It was the first time the kid had said his name.

"Okay," he replied, "Okay."

He resumed his slow stroking of Eren's hair, and his initial thought was that it badly needed to be washed. But that was pushed to the back of his mind when Eren desperately nuzzled his cheek into Levi's hand, still holding it tightly. His tears soaked his palm and silent sobs shook his lessened frame. It was then that Levi understood: Eren wasn't upset, oh no, he was just the opposite. It was just like that first meal all over again. He was so elated to feel such a soothing, gentle touch again after only knowing it to be a painful thing for years, that it brought him to tears. Levi's hand felt so good against his hair and skin, so warm and compassionate, that he never wanted it to end. If it meant he could be touched like this all the time, he never wanted this hand to leave his skin again.

"Levi," Eren whimpered, newly acquired voice swept away under the force of his happiness, "Levi…"

"Shh," Levi hushed, and said what he'd been saying for days, but now finally meant something to the boy, "I'm here. You're not alone, I'm here."

And finally, _finally,_ Eren dared to believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title means "touch" in German.


	4. Schatten des Schlafes

_Levi was ten years old, and he couldn't stop crying._

_His shoulders heaved as his raw throat drew in cold, musty air, air that scraped his battered lungs and made it feel like pins and needles were being shoved into every single bronchial tube and nerve ending. His mother held him tightly as he buried his face in her stomach, stroking his filthy hair and shushing him as best she could. It was pitch black, and neither of them could see each other in this bunker. The only time light ever entered the room was when their tormentors came in with flashlights. Over the years, it had brought on the habit of Levi constantly needing to touch his mother in some way, to keep some part of their bodies in contact so that he knew where she was. It also assured him that he wasn't alone. As long as they were with each other, they were safe._

_Or, so he believed until today._

" _I'm so sorry, mom," Levi sobbed, "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorr"-_

" _Shh, enough," she told him, though he didn't miss the tremor in her voice, "It's not your fault. It was theirs."_

" _But if I had just-!"_

" _Levi," Kuchel said firmly, "It wasn't your fault. You have no reason to be sorry, because there's nothing to forgive. I'm not angry with you, and I'm not disgusted with you. You're still my son, and I still love you more than anything in the world. Nothing they can do to us can change that. They can prey on that love, but they can't destroy it."_

_Levi keened, and pressed his nose even further into her stomach, wrapping his arms around her tighter and curling up his body against hers just a little more. "I hate them," he cried, "I hate them so much. I hope they burn in Hell. I hope the devil rams a red hot poker up their asses so they can see how it feels."_

_Kuchel smirked sadly, knowing Levi was repeating things she often hissed to herself in the dark. She thought Levi hadn't heard her, but she should have known in the dead silence of the underground, he'd be able to pick up the quietest noises. She bent forward and kissed the nape of his neck, before folding herself over him, covering his body protectively with hers._

" _I know baby," she murmured, "I know. Now do you need more water to rinse out your mouth with? I think they left us some."_

 _Levi shook his head. Yes, the inside of his mouth tasted like vomit, but it was preferable to the taste that had been in there before, the taste he would try for the rest of his life to forget but he knew was now imprinted on his memories forever, and whenever he thought of it, or tasted anything similar, he'd feel violently ill in response. But for now, his mother was still here, telling him despite what he had done, what those_ monsters _had forced him to do, that she was still on his side, still his protector, and that she would defend him to the death._

" _I love you mama," he whispered hoarsely, feeling the overwhelming need to say it so that he could hear her say it in return._

" _I love you too, cricket," Kuchel said softly, and she kissed his nape again. And hearing the genuine warmth in her words, Levi's heart eased, and he sighed, feeling his sobs die down as he snuggled into the safety of his mother's embrace._

_Just then, he heard footsteps, and the door opening, and then, saw the light of flashlights in the doorway. Levi whimpered and pressed himself further against his mother, feeling tears prick his eyes anew. Kuchel tightened her arms around him, drawing him tighter against her, metaphorical hackles raising as she narrowed the same dark eyes Levi saw in the mirror every day at the two figures standing in the doorway._

" _Marlow and his boys are upstairs waiting in the suite," one of them said, "We're already late, and they're getting impatient."_

" _Are you fucking serious?" Kuchel snarled, "After what you just did to him?"_

_One of them shrugged. "He's a big moneymaker. We got lucky that he's becoming as pretty as his mom."_

" _Fuck you," she growled, tightening her grip around Levi, "You touch him and I rip your cocks off and shove them down your fucking throats."_

_The two men shared a look between them, and a silent conversation seemed to pass between them. That was all the warning they got before they strode forward and approached the pair. One pulled Kuchel up and off the bed, while the other made a grab for Levi. Kuchel, though she fought like a wildcat, scratching at the forearms of her assailant and kicking him for all she was worth, was smaller than he was and no match for his strength, just like usual. Levi had managed to leap out of the way, and seeing his mom in trouble, he immediately sprang into action, daring to fight back for the first time in his captivity, baring his teeth and snarling as he raced forward and hopped onto the back of the man that held his mother down._

" _Let go of my mom!" he growled, digging one of his thumbs into the man's eye. The man cried out in agony and let go of Kuchel to instead grab at Levi's offending hand. The boy felt the man's eye pop like a grape, and though the sensation made him feel nauseous, far more powerful was the sensation of triumph at having caused pain to the people that had caused him so much pain in his short life._

" _Little shit," the other man hissed from across the room, and in two short strides, he had crossed the floor and knocked Levi off his partner with a punch to the face. Levi crumpled to the floor, and while he was down, the man jammed the toe of his shoe into his stomach, knocking the wind out of him and sending Levi into dry heaves. He lay there on the floor, trying to draw air back into his aching body and failing, helpless to stop the two as one held his mother back, and the other eventually picked him up off the floor, draping him over his shoulder. Levi struggled feebly, remembering Marlow and his friends and how their ideas of fun involved ball gags seeing which of them could get Levi to cry first. But he was so dazed from the blows that he couldn't offer much resistance. Instead, all he could do was reach for his mother as they carried him away, begging for help he knew she couldn't give._

" _Mama," he gasped, "Mama, don't let them…Mama, help me!"_

_And Kuchel fought to get to him, but couldn't break free from her captor, crying out her son's name over and over, tears streaming down her face from her helplessness._

Levi snapped awake, his eyes opening groggily with a gasp. It took him a solid minute to realize that the darkness surrounding him wasn't the darkness of the underground bunker, but his own room, cast in shadows of a peaceful evening. He glanced up at his clock, limbs still buzzing with faint adrenaline, to see that it was only two in the morning. He collapsed back down onto his mattress, feeling sweat slicking wetly on his chest and back, and he grimaced. It was just a bad dream, another haunting reminder of his time as a captive.

He didn't see his mother again after that. The two men had deemed him to be too much of a threat after the stunt he pulled and kept them separated for the rest of the time he was trapped down there. But they didn't kill him because of all the money he made them, and the fact that he was a great bargaining chip to use against Kuchel to ensure her cooperation. And his mother was used against him as well; they wouldn't have gotten Levi to cooperate otherwise. He hadn't been a problem for the men when he was first brought down there since he had been no more than a toddler, but as the years passed, he became bigger, stronger, angrier. Levi regretted a lot of things, but he never regretted giving those men hell every chance he got, and whenever he caught sight of the new eyepatch that man had been forced to wear, his chest swelled with grim satisfaction.

Even though it had been years since he had been freed, the nightmares from being down there still followed him, and he knew they would for the rest of his life. Hence why he barely slept for more than two or three hours a night anymore. Exhaustion and perpetual anxiety followed him like a heavy, dark cloud wherever he went, but he was used to it, and had learned to cope with it.

He could still hear his mother screaming his name though, echoing in his ears and making more sweat prickle from his pores. Levi wiped his face, wishing there was a way to make them stop, hating how hard they made his heart pound and wouldn't let the fear leave his core, wouldn't let it bleed peacefully from him for more than an hour or two when he did manage to sleep before it was back, and it was so much worse in the dark, when it resembled his old room in the bunker. The screams never stopped in that place, echoing from every direction, and even when he covered his ears, he still heard them.

Suddenly, Levi realized the screams weren't entirely in his head; they really were echoing down the hallway.

And they were coming from Eren's room.

Swearing profusely, Levi threw the blankets off of himself and leapt out of bed, adrenaline saturating his veins and clearing away any lingering exhaustion in an instant. He ran towards Eren's room and wrenched the door open, dreading what he would find. What on earth could make the kid scream like this, like those poor tortured women down in that bunker, like Levi had when his captor's friends had handed over their money and were pinning him down, trapping him beneath their hands and ripping down his pants so that they could-

Levi shook his head, forcing those thoughts back. His heart already felt like it was going to burst from fear; he didn't need to make it worse.

Instead, he focused on Eren, who was thrashing back on forth on his bed, blankets tangled around his legs and restraining him further. He had only started sleeping in it recently, finally feeling safe enough to do so, and probably tiring of the hard floor. He had started sleeping better and longer as a result of that and the fact that his body was finally figuring out that it was going to receive regular meals again, relaxing his perpetually tight muscles and allowing him to rest. He had had nightmares before of course, but this appeared to be the worst yet. And now, since Eren finally trusted Levi enough to let him touch him that evening, perhaps he would allow Eren to touch him to save him from whatever hell he was currently trapped him.

"Eren!" he called, crossing the room in two strides to sit on the bed, before gripping the boy's shoulder as gently as he could, hoping to hold him in place to prevent Eren from hurting himself. That was when Levi noticed the tracks of tears shining on the boy's face in the moonlight. He called to him again. "Eren, come on, wake up, it's okay."

Eren jerked when Levi gripped his shoulder, and he let out a shriek that hurt the man's ears and made his blood run cold. Especially when Eren began to fight him harder, crying out half slurred words, but Levi still understood them, and each one of them broke his heart.

"No, I was good!" he pleaded, "I was good, I stayed in the closet, I didn't leave the room! I was good, I was good! Please don't hurt me!"

"Eren, wake up!" Levi commanded, lifting him so that he was forced to sit up. Eren's head lolled on his shoulder, and he shrieked again, eyes still shut. The man shook him slightly, but still Eren wouldn't wake.

"Don't hurt me, I don't want it," Eren begged, shaking his head, brows pinched with pain, "I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it…"

Levi cupped the sides of Eren's face in both of his hands, and said, "Hey hey hey, shh, Eren, shhh, it's alright. It's Levi, you're safe, you're okay. Wake up, come on. You're not there anymore."

Eren froze for a moment, his eyes slowly opening. His frantic mumbling continued for a few moments as he took in his surrounding, his brain waking up enough to process that what he had been seeing was in fact just a dream and no longer his reality. His reality right now in fact consisted of two warm hands holding his face and a pair of concerned grey eyes looking directly into his. Eren blinked, trying to clear his blurry vision, and the tears flowed over, their path cut by Levi's hands. He thumbed them away, brushing along Eren's cheekbones softly.

"That's it, that's it," he praised the boy, "Come on, come back to me. It's alright. Come on Eren…"

Eren blinked at him again, still unsure if he was still dreaming, or if this was a cruel illusion and he really was still back in that horrible man's room, trapped in his closet with nothing but a bucket for a toilet that was only periodically emptied. He lifted his hands which shook from lingering adrenaline, and placed them on Levi's wrists gently, grasping, feeling the solid bone and warm skin that met his fingertips. They were real, weren't melting under his touch. Levi was really here, and Eren was really still in his house, far away from that horrible nightmare.

Once the realization set in, that was when the real crying began, his face crumpling anew, and more sobs bubbling to the surface, more tears slipping down his cheeks. Levi nodded in understanding, thumbing them away.

"Okay, okay," he murmured, brushing Eren's hair back from his sweaty forehead, "Okay then. It's okay Eren, it's okay."

Hearing the kindness, the gentleness in his tone, feeling those fingers running through his hands so tenderly in contrast to the cruelty of his dream images, completely undid Eren. Before he could think about it, he launched himself forward, collapsing against Levi and wrapping his arms tightly around his middle. He buried his face in the older man's neck desperately, back heaving on a sob that was released in the form of a strangled scream. Levi froze for a moment, surprised by the fact that Eren was in fact hugging him, and holding onto him like Levi was going to disappear at any moment. The hold was almost painful, conveying Eren's desperation and fear, and he could feel the boy's tears soaking the skin of his neck in a matter of seconds. Levi's expression softened from surprise to deep sympathy, and he wrapped his arms around Eren, holding the back of the boy's head with one hand and wrapping the other around his upper back. He leaned his head against the boy's, further covering him up and hiding him in the security of his own body.

"Shhhh," he shushed gently, voice no more than a whisper, "Shh, shh. It's okay now. I'm here, Eren. I'm right here. I've got you. You're safe."

Eren shuddered and whimpered in response, clutching at Levi's sleeping shirt, bunching the fabric near the man's shoulder blades. He buried his head a little deeper into the man's neck, nuzzling it further in until he could hardly breathe. But that was alright; he couldn't breathe through his nose anyway, his sinuses being as clogged as they were with snot brought on by his crying. Levi rocked them back and forth slightly, stroking the boy's hair down to the nape of his neck and back up again. Eren's body continued to tremble, sobs shaking their way out of him relentlessly. Without even thinking, Levi began singing, feeling his chest vibrate pleasantly from the low, soft tone.

"Deep in the meadow,

a wise old willow,

father of all the sweet peas

said this to me…"

The lullaby cut through Eren's terror, and his ears pricked. He felt the vibrations in Levi's throat as he sang, and that, along with the repetitive rocking motions, the feeling of fingers in his hair, and the warmth of the older man surrounding him, assuring him that he was safe, that he wasn't alone, worked to bring Eren down from the highs of his fear into a more level, neutral state. His sobs began to fade, becoming nothing more than shuddering breaths. The tears stopped coming, drying uncomfortably on his face. His muscles began to un-tense, his grip on Levi relaxing. However, he kept his face firmly hidden in the man's neck, his own fingers stroking Levi's back as he imitated what he felt against his hair, the repetitive motions soothing him. Levi couldn't help the smile when he felt Eren's diaphragm jerk against him several times, and knew the boy had the hiccups as a result of his crying.

Only when Eren's breathing became more even did Levi stop singing, and instead asked softly, "You okay now, kid?"

Eren nodded, still not lifting his face from his neck, finding the warm darkness to be very comforting and not wanting to leave it. However, Levi could hear him sniffling, and knew he had to do something about that. He didn't want snot on his shirt, no thank you. "Here, stay here then," he suggested, beginning to extricate himself from the boy, letting go of him in the process, "I'll go get you some tiss"-

"No!" Eren exclaimed, suddenly and harshly tightening his grip on Levi, "Don't leave!"

"Eren," he tried to argue gently, "You need something for your nose. Come on now."

"No," the boy continued to refuse, "No, no. Don't go."

Levi opened his mouth to argue, but then felt Eren begin to tremble again, and decided against it. Instead, he sighed, and placed his arms back around him, keeping him close to his body. "Alright, alright," he relented, "I'll stay."

"Please don't leave," Eren continued to beg quietly.

"I'm staying Eren," Levi assured him, "I'm staying right here."

The boy sighed with relief, settling back down. However, Levi knew he really did need to get Eren something to blow his nose with, and it was a bit cold in here. Eren's back was slick with sweat, and it was beginning to cool, prompting the boy to start shivering. However, it appeared that those weren't their only problems. After a moment, Levi could feel a warm wetness seeping into his knees, and a pungent smell hit his nose. He sighed, knowing what had happened immediately, and feeling second hand embarrassment for the poor boy.

"Eren," he said gently, "Kid, we are going to have to move. You…you wet the bed."

Eren froze, before he felt the sudden warm wetness in the crotch and bottoms of his pajama pants, and moaned in mortification, beginning to spill apology after apology, his face burning with embarrassment. But Levi was having none of it.

"Hey now, stop that," he told him, "It's not your fault. It's nowhere near your fault. It's not a problem anyway. It's fixable. You can just take a quick shower and get yourself cleaned up, okay? I'll strip the bed and we can worry about washing the sheets in the morning. In the meantime I can set up the air mattress in the living room for you. I'll stoke up the fire in the wood stove, make it nice and warm in there for you. Sound good?"

After a moment, Eren nodded, still embarrassed with himself, but no longer afraid that Levi was angry with him. Levi wasn't like that other man, after all, who became so angry when Eren's incontinence had started, incontinence he had caused. It just became another excuse to beat him.

"Okay then," Levi said, "You go take that shower then, and I'll set up the air mattress for you while you do that."

Eren whined, keeping his grip tight and firm on the older man. His heart began hammering again, terror rising up and clouding common sense. He knew deep down that he'd be okay just taking a shower, but his dream images were too fresh, and they made him feel too vulnerable to be on his own, even for a little bit. Levi sighed, getting frustrated.

"Eren, come on," he tried, but the boy was having none of it.

"No," he said, voice shaking with the threat of tears, "I don't want to be alone."

Levi chewed his bottom lip over the kid's shoulder in thought, trying to come up with a new plan. Eren was clearly adamant about not being left alone, so how were they supposed to do this?

"Here," he said after a minute, "How about this? I'll sit with you while you shower, if you want. Might be better anyway, you're still so skinny, don't want you passing out in there because the water is too warm. I won't look, I promise, and I'll only sit with you if you're comfortable with that, alright? Then afterwards you can help me set up the air mattress and get the fire going. Okay?"

Eren thought about that, turning it over in his head, before at last lifting his face from the man's shoulder. He looked horrible, his cheeks blotchy and tear stained, his eyes red, and his greasy hair sticking up in all directions. Yes, a shower would definitely do wonders for him. He nodded slightly, and then added, "As long as you'll stay with me."

Levi offered him a smile. "I'll stay Eren, don't worry. I'll make sure you can see me or touch me at all times if that makes you feel better."

Eren smiled back shakily, nodding again, and Levi patted his cheek, rubbing some of the dried tear residue away.

"Alright then, sounds like a plan," he said, standing up from the bed and pulling the boy with him, holding him by the forearms. "Go ahead and pick out some different pajamas then. We'll wash those ones with the sheets. I'll strip the bed while you do that."

Reluctantly, Eren released him, letting him go to the other side of the bed, shivering when his warmth disappeared. He felt cold and wet and uncomfortable, and the smell of urine was strong and brought back memories from his time as a captive. It only made him feel smaller, more powerless and scared. He whined again, frozen in place, looking at Levi helplessly. Levi offered him a comforting look, nodding towards the dresser.

"Go on, Eren," he said and he began to untuck the blankets, "I'm right here. I won't go anywhere without you, promise."

The boy drew in a shuddering sigh, and let it out slowly, trying to steady his shaky nerves. Of course, Levi had already said he wouldn't leave him, everything was okay. Besides, the only way to get out of these pajamas and into the shower was if he moved, so he did so, glancing back over his shoulder constantly at Levi to make sure he was still there as he opened his drawers and pulled out a fresh pair of pajama pants and an old, oversized shirt. By the time he was finished, Levi was done pulling off all the blankets and was down to the bottom sheet. Eren went over to help him so they'd be done faster, and Levi shot him a grateful look, thanking the boy. Eren smiled slightly, happy to help.

Soon, the soiled sheets were piled in a corner of the room, and Eren and Levi were headed off to the bathroom. Levi turned on the lights and the heat lamp, while Eren put down his things on top of the closed toilet. The man then stepped forward and turned on the water in the shower, holding his fingers under it to make sure it wouldn't be too hot enough to overwhelm Eren. He then ran and grabbed a towel out of the closet, and by the time he came back, Eren was pulling his shirt over his head. Once again, Levi was face to face with the evidence of the kid's starvation, and it pulled at his heartstrings. But Levi reminded himself that Eren was in fact eating regular meals now, had been doing so for a while, and that soon all of those bones would disappear under layers of healthy fat and muscle.

"Towel for you. I'll hand it to you when you're ready for it if you want," he said awkwardly as the boy began to pull down his pants. He averted his eyes as he said he would, turning around and facing the opposite wall for good measure. Eren smiled at his back, touched by Levi's care for his privacy. Yet another difference between him and his captor. In fact, he knew Levi wouldn't be in here at all if Eren hadn't requested his presence.

"Thanks," Eren said, before he balled up his dirty pajamas and tossed them in the corner, happy to be rid of them. He then carefully stepped in the shower, closing the curtains behind him. As soon as the warm water hit his skin, he groaned in relief.

"Feel good?" Levi wanted to know, smirking, knowing how long the poor kid had gone without a shower.

"I've found heaven, Levi," Eren moaned, "I'm never leaving."

He snorted, sitting down on the toilet seat, placing both Eren's pajamas and his towel on his lap. "Well, not too long in there, brat. Remember what Hanji said about you being so thin and spending too much time under hot water."

"Mmmph," Eren grunted. It took him a minute to actually start washing himself, so caught up was he in the forgotten sensation of warm water carrying the filth from his skin, washing away the urine, grease and sweat. Eventually though, he began to soap his hair, humming appreciatively at the smell of the shampoo.

"Smells like coconuts," he commented, smiling to himself, "With cologne. A manly coconut. A coconut on roids."

Levi snorted again. "Not a bad thing, is it?"

"Rather smell like a jock coconut than piss."

Levi sat in silence for a minute, before deciding to come clean. Perhaps it might help Eren, in a way, if he admitted it. "Well, if it makes you feel better, right before I came and got you, I'd woken up from a bad dream too. About the last time I saw my mom before they separated us."

Eren was silent for a bit, before simply saying, "Oh. That's…I'm sorry Levi. Nightmares suck. Do you get them a lot?"

The other man replied, "Often enough that I haven't been sleeping right for years. I've forgotten what a full night of sleep feels like."

"Me too," Eren mumbled, "I…tonight I dreamed about this time when that…that man, he'd lock me up in his closet sometimes, usually for days at a time, without food or water. I'd have to use the corner of it as a bathroom, and more than once I thought I was going to die. Almost did. He left me in there until I was at the brink of death, until I was crawling towards a light, and I welcomed it. I wanted so badly to die, but he pulled me out at the last minute and made me drink something that was sharp and disgusting and tasted like iron. Didn't realize what it was until he forced me to drink all of it. It had been blood, from…from him. He gave me half a water bottle of his blood to drink, Levi. And…"

"Alright kid, I get it," Levi cut him off, feeling nauseous, "I'm so sorry he did that to you. I- Jesus, kid. No wonder you didn't want to eat when you first got here."

Eren shrugged, and began soaping up his body, wincing at how sharp his bones were under his hands, how sensitive and painful his skin had become. "I threw up for an hour afterwards."

"I'm sure you did, Eren. I'm sorry."

Eren was silent for the rest of his shower, finally forcing himself to get out when he did in fact begin to feel dizzy, shutting the water off and requesting his towel from Levi. The man handed it to him through the small opening in the curtain, and Eren dried himself quickly, stepping out of the shower and also taking his pajamas from Levi. The man stood up again and faced the opposite wall while the boy dressed, and when Eren told him he was decent, he turned around again, smiling at the sight that met his eyes. Eren's hair was sticking up in a million different directions, his oversized shirt hanging off one shoulder, and his pants bottoms almost swallowing up his feet. He looked adorable, and every inch the kid he still was.

"C'mon," Levi said, taking in Eren's slightly swaying body and coming up beside him to loop an arm around his waist, guiding him out of the bathroom and into the living room, where the faint embers in the woodstove still glowed. He helped him make his way to the couch, before he set him gently onto it.

"Here," he said, kneeling down in front of the couch and pulling out the folded up air mattress from underneath it. The pump that came with it was next, and he laid both at Eren's feet, "You know how these work, right?"

Eren nodded. It'd been a long time, but when he'd been younger, he'd blown up air mattresses all the time when he had gone camping with his family.

"Good." Levi left him to it, getting up and placing more wood on the woodstove, before placing more newspaper in there as well. He watched it smoke for a moment before the newspaper instantly burst into flames. He thenheard the roar of the pump behind him, indicating that Eren was working on his job as well. The air mattress was soon full, and a big fire was crackling merrily once again, flooding the room with waves of comfortable warmth.

"Now, we get blankets and pillows for this thing," Levi explained, pointing down at the mattress, "Think you're up for walking with me to get them?"

"Yeah, m'better," Eren told him. He wasn't, not completely, but he was far too nervous to be left behind. So he followed Levi to the linen closet and helped him carry the pile of blankets and pillows back to the air mattress, letting them fall on it with a "plop." He then helped Levi situate everything until it was fit to sleep on, pillows up at the top and giant, fluffy comforters pooled at the bottom. They pushed the bed over until it was a comfortable distance away from the woodstove. And seeing the made bed just waiting to be laid in had exhaustion flooding Eren's body once again with a vengeance.

"What time is it?" he asked, voice thick with fatigue.

Levi looked around until he found the digital clock under the t.v. "Jesus, almost five. We're sure as shit sleeping in tomorrow."

"Mhmm," Eren hummed in agreement. Without hesitating a moment longer, he crawled into the makeshift bed, groaning with relief as his head settled on the pillow. He groped for the blankets, but they were too far away, and his head felt too heavy and just the slightest bit woozy for him to sit up. So, Levi helped him out, pulling the blankets over him until the kid was practically drowning in giant, fluffy comforters, only his eyes and the top of his head sticking out. Levi still saw the dozy smile in his eyes even if he couldn't see his lips as Eren looked up at him, as if expecting something, though he couldn't be sure what.

He got his answer a moment later, when Levi said, "Well, sleep well, kid. Call me if you need me, alright?" When he stood up from the floor to leave, a hand shot out to grab at his wrist.

"No!" Eren gasped, and when Levi turned back to look at him, he saw that the kid had sat up slightly, as if he was prepared to get up and run after Levi to prevent him from leaving, "No, don't leave me alone in here. Please? It's…it's a bit too dark and lonely in here. Could you-could you stay with me? Please, Levi?"

The older man was prepared to argue with him, to tell Eren he was a big boy and that he could sleep on his own, but then he stopped. He remembered how unsettled he had felt after his own nightmare, and he hadn't woken up screaming from his. He knew exactly how upset and anxious Eren felt, could see it in his huge, green eyes shining with the firelight, the whites still red with remnants of crying and severe exhaustion. In fact, Levi would be lying if he said he wasn't still on edge from his own bad dream, his heart still hammering unevenly. He felt his throat tighten at the thought of going back to bed alone, alone with all of those dark corners and strange noises that more often than not kept him awake at night. It was impossible to shut off that damn internal alarm he had had to develop over the years, that alarm that forced him violently awake and readied him for fight or flight at the slightest sound. And from what he had seen, Eren was much the same. This constant anxiety and the adrenaline rushes were so taxing on their bodies, and Levi didn't want to leave Eren like that, frightened, unable to go back to sleep because he was watching for the monsters from his nightmares to leap out of the dark corners of the room.

And quite frankly, Levi was sick of watching for his own monsters himself.

"Alright," he said at last, "Scoot over."

Eren did so, smiling in relief as Levi crawled over to sit beside him. The older man pulled the blankets up into his lap, before settling down on the mattress and pulling them over his shoulders. Eren waited for him to stop shifting around, biting his bottom lip with indecision. Levi eventually went still, laying on his back, and looking up at Eren questioningly when he didn't move.

"You gonna lay down?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Eren said distractedly, knowing how he wanted to lay, what would make him feel safe, but not knowing how Levi was going to react. Well, he figured there was only one way to find out. He snuggled down into the blankets, pressing himself flush against Levi, before situating his upper body on the man's torso, laying his head on his chest so that his ear was square over his heart. His face heated up with a blush, embarrassed by his own actions, but unable to help himself. The instant he heart Levi's heart beating in his ear, he sighed, feeling his muscles relax one at a time. However, he waited for the inevitable rebuke, for Levi to tell him to mind his boundaries and to push him off.

But it never came. Instead, he felt the man pull the blankets up around them both further, covering their shoulders, before he placed a hand in Eren's hair, stroking his fingers through the clean, wet strands. Eren felt him use his nails ever so lightly as he pushed the hair behind his ear over and over, and he had to suppress a shiver. Eren sighed heavily, contentedly, feeling wonderfully warm from the combination of the huge blankets, the wood stove, and Levi's body heat. That, the pressure of another body against his own, the sound of that strong, steadfast heart beating against his ear, his newly clean body, and the fingers in his hair, worked to lull him to sleep in a matter of minutes, feeling safer than he had in a long time.

Levi for his part felt much the same way, not embarrassed when Eren decided to lay on him as much as he was surprised. But it was very warm, and the pressure of another body against his, Eren's warm breath on his chest and his hair between his fingers, was immensely comforting. He kept stroking the kid's hair even after he fell asleep, finding the repetitive motion to be soothing for him as well as for Eren. Levi's eyes began to grow heavy, a long dormant instinct forcing calm over him at the warmth and scent of another body so close to his. He had forgotten how comforting it was to lay next to someone, how safe it made him feel. And Eren's heavy breathing was making him feel sleepier by the moment.

Eventually, Levi felt himself melt into a deep, restful sleep, the first he had had in many years, Eren curled securely on his chest, heart still beating strongly and reassuringly in the boy's ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was enough cuddles for everyone! Chapter title means "shadows of sleep."


	5. Merken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Just a fair warning, there is quite a nasty little flashback to a rape scene in this chapter, which you guys are free to skip over. I just don't sugarcoat when I write, I feel like you guys deserve better than that. So, onward to the newest installment!

The morning light nudged Levi awake the next morning, softly, slowly, carefully. It caressed his face, settling over his eyelids, brain processing that it was now light out even in its groggy state and therefore time to get up. However, for a while, he remained in that blissful place somewhere between being fully alert and being fully asleep, that place where one may dream but can control their dreams if they wish, that place where they can feel sensations and smell smells and find every one of them gentle and comforting.

For example, even if some deep, instinctual part of Levi was telling him that daylight meant it was time to start the day, he couldn't, because the heavy, deliciously warm body pressed so tightly against his own, was persuading him without words that lying in was the much better option.

The previous night came back to Levi in slow, syrupy waves, and he remembered that it was Eren lying next to him, and that he had fallen asleep on his chest. Now, he could feel Eren pressed against his back so tightly that there were no spaces between them, no room for either of them to move even an inch. The boy's face was buried in between his shoulder blades, his deep, even breaths warming the skin there. Levi then realized he was lying partially on top of Eren, and yet the boy didn't seem to mind, if his soft snores were anything to go by. Not only that, but Eren had managed to twine their legs together until they were a tangled mess, one hooked over both of his own, as if to hold him there. Levi couldn't remember the last time he had felt this comfortable and cozy, and he felt pleasantly trapped by the toasty warmth created by their bodies under all the comforters. He sighed deeply, turning over towards Eren, snuggling down into the mattress a little further, willing his mind to drift so he could go back to sleep and enjoy the longest night of rest he had gotten for as long as he could remember. He heard and felt Eren's heavy, sleepy sigh against his chest, felt the kid press himself even tighter against him and re-tangle their legs, and the feeling of warmth and contentment that resulted from knowing how comfortable the kid was pushed him a little further back into the dark waters of sleep.

However, a few moments later, he was roused suddenly and irrevocably by a deep, throbbing ache in his bladder, the organ sending loud signals to his brain that it was desperately full and that he needed to get up and empty it _now_ before it exploded in his stomach. Levi sighed, unhappy that he would have to leave his warm sanctuary, but realizing that he didn't have a choice.

Resigning himself to his fate, he began to carefully extricate himself from Eren. However, even mostly unconscious, the boy was having none of it. The instant he felt Levi move the slightest bit away from him, he moaned unhappily and worked to pull him back, tightening the grip his legs had on him and even looping an arm around his waist. However, he unconsciously and very gently also managed to bring a knee up between them, unknowingly settling it right between Levi's legs, and pushing directly into his throbbing, distended bladder. He grunted from the impact, face suddenly draining of blood, eyes going wide over Eren's head. The horrifying sensation only increased when Eren's knee moved down to dig into Levi's groin, and the man bit his lip, throat tightening harshly. A hot feeling of shame washed over him, followed quickly by a surge of discomfort and terror demanded that he get out of bed right that instant, that the last time he had been touched in so sensitive of an area had been-

He shuddered, before slowly and carefully lifting Eren's arm from around his waist and sliding his legs out from between the boy's, eventually tossing the blankets back and standing up in the middle of the cold room, prompting a wave of shivers in the older man. Levi's sudden wave of shivers however was not just from the cold.

He made his way to the bathroom, cold dread curdling in his stomach. It was then that he realized he had neglected to change his pajama pants from the night before, and wondered how he forgotten such a thing. He supposed the chaos and exhaustion had just distracted him too much, and the fact that Eren wouldn't let him leave his sight. So, he pulled them off all the way and kicked them in the corner, hands shaking as he eventually pulled down his boxers and set to relieve himself at last.

But the moment he felt the rushing sensation of the liquid leaving his body, Levi felt fear prickling down the back of his neck, forcing the hair there to stand on end, the familiar sounds and smells pulling him down into a flashback he hadn't encountered in years.

_He was in the suite, the expensive one those men usually rented out to his highest paying customers, the one with the red carpeting, pillows, comforter…everything stained and glowing in red. Their eyes above him, their teeth as it glinted the light from the dimly lit lamps, their malice as they breathed it down upon him. All of it was red._

_Levi choked as one of Marlow's friends forced more water down his throat, but seemed to swallow enough of it that it satisfied him. He coughed when it was pulled away, trying not to start crying; they wanted him to cry, he was sure, and even though one of them was buried deep inside his too small, too young body, and it burned like hot iron, he wouldn't give them the satisfaction._

" _That's enough," one of the men barked, one of them standing off to the side and just watching, though his pants too had long been since discarded, "I think he's all set."_

" _Alright then, my pretty little doll," the man inside of him said, punctuating his words with a couple more thrusts, "How about it? You ready to piss yourself for me?"_

_Levi whined, high and shrill, tears prickling at his eyes with a vengeance. He knew what they wanted, knew he was going to give it to them whether he wanted to or not. His bladder was painfully full thanks to all the water they had forced him to drink over the course of the two, torturous hours they had had him, the liquid inside sloshing around with every thrust. But he stubbornly held it, gritting his teeth, body trembling with the effort, and he shook his head._

" _No, huh?" the man clucked his tongue, "I didn't recall saying you had a choice in the matter. You either do it or we're going to see how many of my boys can fit their dicks into that tight little asshole of yours at once. You got it?"_

_This time, Levi couldn't help the strangled sob that escaped him, the tears that welled up in his eyes and slid down his cheeks. A couple of them men laughed, and one even groaned, stroking himself at the sight._

" _Jesus this kid is so pretty when he cries," he huffed, "I'm gonna come."_

" _Me too," the man inside him growled, "Dying to, in fact. But Levi, you're going to have to help with that. You're going to get me off, one way or another. So you better quit trying to hold it, right now. Let me see that golden shower, beautiful."_

_With that, the man pushed down with his hand, suddenly and hard, directly onto his bladder, increasing the pain and pressure tenfold. Levi clenched his teeth, the tears sliding faster, a few stuttering cries escaping him and he tried desperately to keep a hold on himself, but he failed. It was like squishing an overly full water balloon, and with that pressure, soon, he was urinating all over his abdomen, unable to stop it, or stop the sobs of humiliation as he did so. What's worse, he felt the man inside him come, just as soon as one of the other men came closer and released on Levi's chest with a loud, guttural cry._

_And all Levi could do was cover his face and try to swallow his sobs, wishing for the thousandth time that someone would show up to miraculously save him from all of this, but that hero never came for him._

Levi sunk to the floor of his bathroom after washing his hands, digging his hands in his hair and holding his head between his knees, feeling nausea, potent and vicious, squeezing his stomach and making the acid inside it heat up and churn. His breath came in shuddering gasps, the air burning his lungs and making his windpipe swell, closing off his air supply the harder he gasped for air. His vision began to swim, and soon all the blood drained from his limbs. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think and all he could hear was his own helpless, straining breaths, their vile words, the stink of urine and sex, the degradation of what they had forced him to do, tearing away his soul and turning him into their living, breathing sex toy a little more every time they forced themselves on him.

And it wouldn't go away.

Levi could feel a keening whine climbing up his throat, could feel it banging against his teeth, desperately trying to escape, but under the hot whirlwind of panic, he remembered Eren sleeping peacefully down the hall. He remembered that Eren was counting on him to remain strong, to be his pillar when he crumbled, to be the voice of reason when his own mind was clouded by terror. If he saw Levi like this…

The man bit into his hand harshly and rocked back and forth, riding out the swells of terror, alone, just as he had done for fifteen years. He let his demons beat him into submission, let them bruise him within an inch of his life, let them almost kill him from the fear. Because he knew it would be over soon.

But they would be back. Sure as the winter frost, sure as blackness of death, they always came back.

000

Eren woke up about an hour later, to find that he wasn't alone. There was a warm pressure under his head that wasn't his pillow, and a hand stroking his hair over and over in a slow, absent, rhythmic motion. There was also music floating over his head, a rock ballad set on low. His eyes opened heavily, and he noticed firstly through his blurry vision that his head was situated in Levi's lap. The man was dressed for the day in worn jeans and a huge hoodie that all but swallowed up his short frame. The sound of tapping keys filtered in Eren's ears as well, and flicking his eyes upwards he saw that while Levi had one hand in Eren's hair, the other was scrolling through his laptop, and he could see that the music was coming from there as well. His gaze then drifted to Levi's face, and with amusement he could see that the man was mouthing the words to the song that was playing, obviously holding back the desire to sing along so that Eren could keep resting. The expressions playing across his face told his Eren he was quite into what he was listening, and Eren felt a sweet, warm swell fill his gut, a smile pulling at his lips.

"So will you please show me your real face,

draw the line in the horizon,

'Cause I only need your name to call the reasons why I fought…"

The instrumental part of the song came up next, and Levi bobbed his head in time with the beat, even tapping his thumb against Eren's head, and the warm feeling in the boy's chest only grew. He suppressed a giggle, instead pretending to be asleep for just a bit longer. Besides, he was quite comfortable where he was anyway, and for once, his memories about his time as a captive were far away.

The song ended and changed, and the lyrics that came out were German of all things. This time, Levi did start singing, as if he forgot that Eren was there. But the singer was female, so he had to pitch his voice down a few octaves, causing his voice to rumble in his chest in that way Eren had come to love.

"Weh, weh, mein Herz ist schwer

Gab für immer meinen Liebsten her

Seine wilde Rose blüht nicht mehr."

Levi's soft voice harmonized in a way that was so perfect with the female singer that Eren had to suppress another shiver, and he wished he could wake up every morning like this, with Levi singing him awake, warm beneath a bunch of blankets with his hand stroking his hair. It made him feel safe and cared for, and he wanted the feeling to last forever.

Alas of course it had to be ruined by something. Even though Eren was pretending to be asleep, his stomach was not fooled by his ruse, and chose that moment to announce its appalling emptiness to the room. It growled deeply and loudly, audible even through the layers of blankets. Eren's eyes snapped open, his face flushing with embarrassment, the heat increasing tenfold when Levi's head swiveled around to look down upon him. His mouth was quirked up in a knowing smirk.

"Well good morning, kid," he greeted, "I'm guessing I shouldn't ask if you want breakfast and just feed you before your stomach eats itself, yes?"

Face still flushed, Eren averted his eyes and mumbled, "Shut up."

Levi ruffled his hair gently, making Eren scrunch up his nose. The older man stood up, taking his laptop with him as he headed into the kitchen, leaving Eren feeling empty, even though he could see the kitchen from the living room.

Deciding that wasn't good enough, Eren quickly got up and stumbled to the bathroom, where he relieved himself and then ran back into the living room, gathering up the comforter and wrapping it around his shoulders, before following Levi in the kitchen. He found the man at the oven with something sizzling in the pan in front of him. A quick sniff revealed it to be scrambled eggs, and Eren felt his stomach pang once more with hunger. He was getting quite sick of this, because being as emaciated as he was meant that he was intensely hungry most of the day, but he filled up quickly, much sooner than he thought he would. So it resulted in him having several small meals a day, usually six, wherein he would usually feel so sleepy afterwards that he'd end up passing out on whatever surface he was sitting on, usually his bed or the floor. In fact, that was the moment that Eren realized he had never been in the rest of Levi's house ever since he had gotten here.

In the daylight, he finally got the chance to admire it. Everywhere he looked, the inside of the house reminded him of the outdoors. There were garlands winding around the curtain rod above the window in the kitchen, for example, made up of fake pine needles and pinecones. In fact, there were some garlands in the living room as well made of leaves with little buds mixed in. There were some antlers hanging above some of the doorways as well with bundles of sage and lavender sitting in them, making the room smell clean and Eren's heart feeling light. The rooms he could see were painted in greens and blues, and the floors were mostly hardwood. It looked like the inside of a log cabin, all woodsy and lovely and calming with its deer murals and lavender smell.

And what drew it all together was Levi himself, standing there in his stupidly huge hoodie that was so big it went past his rear, swaying to the next song playing on his laptop, singing quietly along, this one once again in German, some folk song that Eren didn't think was half bad. The tune was bouncy and sweet, and it was good for waking the boy up.

"Die Himmel in dir, wie kann ich sie wissen, kann sie sehn, wir tanzen im Fluge wie Sterne, die ihrer Wege zieh`n," Levi murmured effortlessly, and Eren smiled at him, deciding he quite liked hearing Levi sing in German.

"You have quite the eclectic taste in music," Eren remarked from his chair.

Levi just quirked an eyebrow, and sang the chorus a little louder at him, dancing along a little more purposefully. Eren snorted, finding himself tapping his thumb along to the beat, even as the older man retorted, "Sorry I like shit that's actually decent and not the annoying, pandering, half-baked crap they play on the radio."

Eren laughed softly at that, clutching his comforter around him a little tighter. "Someone's spent too much time away from civilization. The stuff on the radio isn't that bad."

Levi turned off the stove, shoveled their scrambled eggs onto two separate plates and scoffed, "Oh please. What the hell am I supposed to listen to on there that isn't going to make my ears bleed? Country? Fucking pop? If I hear one more song about horses or beer or horses drinking beer while driving trucks or one more song that sounds like a synthesizer jerking off I'm going to fucking throw myself in front of a train."

By now Eren was cackling with laughter, unable to help himself. The laughter kept bubbling up and wouldn't stop. And honestly, it felt good to laugh this hard, to feel his cheeks ache because he was smiling so much, for his stomach to hurt because he was happy.

Okay, it hurt because he was still hungry too, but that was going to be fixed soon enough. Levi placed his plate of eggs in front of him, and without hesitating, Eren took the fork already sitting on the plate and dug in, swallowing it down without giving himself chances to breathe. Levi shook his head fondly, filling up cups for the both of them and giving Eren one. However, when he handed Eren his cup he saw that the kid's comforter was dangerously close to getting into his eggs.

"Easy, brat," he chided, "It's not going to run away from you. You eat that fast and you're at worst going to make yourself sick or at best, give yourself gas. And look at this, you planning on eating your blankets too? They're about to join your eggs on the plate."

"Sorry mom," Eren muttered, but Levi surprisingly ignored him. Instead, he pushed said comforter back slightly away from his plate, and then pulled it up slightly from where it had begun to slide down Eren's shoulders. Eren for his part just took it in stride, drinking up the caring attention and trying very hard not to lean into Levi's touch when he brushed the boy's hair back from his face so that it wouldn't get in the way as he ate.

Eventually, when Levi deemed that Eren's blankets weren't in danger of being eaten, he too sat down to have breakfast, eating like a civilized human being of course and taking his time, his laptop still playing music softly in the background. It was the only noise for a while, before Eren finished his plate and got up to check the pan on the oven to see if there were any more eggs left. There were, and deciding that he had a little more room to squeeze them into his belly, he asked shyly if he could have the rest.

"Please do, for the love of God," Levi insisted, "Eat. Eat everything in this house, I don't care. The sooner I don't have to worry about your collarbone poking holes into my eyes the better. You don't ever have to worry about asking for seconds, Eren. And if I don't make enough, I'll make more, I don't mind. I like cooking, and it's more fun to do when there's actually someone to cook for."

Eren smiled bashfully in response, filling his plate, and saying softly, "Thank you."

Levi waved him off. "You don't need to thank me for giving you your basic essentials, Eren."

"No," the boy clarified, shuffling his toes awkwardly, "Thank you. For everything. For taking me in, even though I've been a pain in the ass. Thank you for dealing with me last night. I know it's your job and all, and you've told me you want to do it because you care about me, but…I still can't get my head around it all. It's weird getting used to the idea that someone cares about me again. My parents have been gone for so long- it's just going to take getting used to."

The older man smiled gently, and simply said, "You'll get used to it whether you like it or not. You're stuck with me, kid. And I mean it, job or no job, I care about you. You're a good kid, Eren. You're just scared, and there's nothing wrong with that. You're already doing a lot better than you were doing yesterday, or the day before that. You improve a little every day. But that reminds me…"

His tone became more serious, and Eren became a little nervous at what was going to come next, feeling himself clutching at his plate a little tighter.

"We need to get you in to see someone," Levi told him, "Well, talk to someone. I mean, all of us have basic psychology training so that we have a starting point on how to help you through your problems, but only one of us is certified in it."

"Who's that?" Eren asked with a hint of trepidation. Talk to someone? About…about his time as a captive? He had barely just started to trust Levi, how was he supposed to spill his guts to someone he barely knew? His heart began to race at the thought.

"Petra," Levi answered, "You remember her, right?"

"Oh," Eren sighed, "Yes, I remember her a bit. She was nice. She…yeah, Petra's okay."

Levi nodded, grinning slightly. "I figured you wouldn't mind. Petra is wonderful, very sweet, but firm too. Impossible to hate her, and that's coming from someone who hates everyone. She'll be very sensitive to whatever you do or don't want to tell her, and you don't have to tell her everything at once. We don't even have to go right away. I'll give you a little more time to get some strength in your legs, say, a week more or so, and then we can go. Sound good?"

Eren nodded, and found himself easing. At least he was going to talk someone he knew, and Levi was giving him a little more time to adjust to this new routine, giving him a little more time to gain some confidence in himself before he began reliving every horrible thing that happened to him over the past decade.

But before he could dwell too deeply on that and most likely send himself into another panic attack, luckily, something crossed into the frame of Levi's window that sat over the kitchen sink. Eren perked up visibly, cheeks puffed out around the mouthful of eggs he had just stuck in his mouth. He swallowed them quickly, coughing and pounding at his chest a couple times, before beginning to bounce on the balls of his feet excitedly.

"Levi, Levi!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"What, what?" Levi imitated, smirking in amusement.

"Deer!" Eren pointed at the window, "There's deer in your woods!"

Curiosity peaked, Levi got up from the table to look where Eren was pointing and, sure enough, there were a couple of deer picking their way through the trees. Their coats were fluffy, making them look more like overgrown teddy bears than deer. Eren watched in fascination as their tails twitched as they walked, before they stopped at the base of one dormant oak tree. One popped up on her hind legs, stretching up to grab a piece of bark, before the other did the same, nibbling at a piece of bark as well. Eren's eyes glowed with rapt attention, and Levi couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him at the boy's expression.

"Yeah, we get them around here a lot," he explained, watching the deer now as well, "Looks like they're white tails. You don't see them much during the winter, but they'll pop up more as the weather gets warmer. During the fall is the best time to watch them, because that's when their mating season is. The bucks go into rut and start fighting each other, it's pretty cool to watch. Then when they shed their antlers, I pick them up and put some of them around the house, or give them to other people that want them."

"Do you get other animals around here?" Eren wanted to know.

Levi snorted, "Kid, I've got the whole damn Discovery channel in my backyard, which is great because I don't get that channel on my t.v. I've had bobcats, hawks, eagles, foxes, rabbits, coyotes, geese, skunks, possums, raccoons…You name it, it's fucked up any attempt at a garden I've tried to set up back here. Basically I'm expecting a zoologist to pop out of the trees and start narrating every time I look out this window."

Eren leaned over the sink a little further. The deer were still working on stripping the tree, but now another deer had come up to join them. It tried to eat from their tree, but a kick from one of them sent the other one to seek its own tree a little further away, and soon they all started eating again.

"I wish I were an animal," Eren sighed wistfully.

Levi raised an eyebrow at him. "And why's that?"

The boy answered simply, "Because animals don't hurt each other for pleasure. If we were animals, the shit that happened to us wouldn't have happened."

Levi was silent for a minute, eyes flickering back and forth between the sink, the deer outside, and the mountains that lay beyond them, remembering his attack from this morning, the echoes of those men's voices still ringing in his ears. How even though he had tried his hardest not to, after his panic attack abated and he had managed to get dressed, he had gone right back to Eren, unable to stand being alone, and seeking comfort in the boy's presence. "…yeah. That's true."

Eren just shrugged, and said optimistically, "Well, maybe in our next life we'll be animals. I wouldn't mind being someone's fat, pampered house cat, you know? Maybe in our next lives, we'll have forgotten everything-everything bad that happened."

His voice caught, and the boy swallowed roughly. Hearing the discomfort in his voice, Levi moved a little closer towards him, stopping once their bodies were just barely touching.

"Being someone's fat pampered cat doesn't sound so bad," Levi offered, dark eyes going soft as he gave Eren a comforting look, "Neither does forgetting."

Eren shivered, before opening the comforter and stepping closer to Levi until their bodies were truly touching, sides pressed against each other, warmth bleeding into warmth. The older man, seeing what Eren was trying to do, grabbed the edge of the comforter, pulling it around both of them. For a moment, the boy fiddled with his edge of the blankets, eyes fixed on his hands, and Levi waited, knowing he was about to say something, but definitely not expecting the words that he eventually mumbled, cheeks tinting red.

"I don't want to forget you, though."

Levi's eyes widened, and Eren elaborated a moment later. "If I was reincarnated into an animal, and I forgot everything else about this life, that's alright. Well, not everything, there are some other things I'd like to remember. You've…I owe you my life, Levi. You've been so kind and patient with me, you've fed me, protected me, and I just- no matter what happens from here on out, I don't want to forget that. I want to remember you for the rest of my life. And beyond that."

The older man was at a loss for words, his throat tightening and preventing him from saying anything anyway. Instead, he simply wrapped an arm around Eren's shoulders, pulling him in closer, and feeling that familiar warmth blossom in his breast when he felt the boy's head fall against his shoulder to rest there, not an easy feat considering that he was taller than Levi. But the man appreciated the gesture, and finally uttered the only thing he could think of to say, something he truly meant from the bottom of his heart.

"Me too, brat. I want to remember you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another note for you all, the semester just started for me, and that means that updates will be coming a bit slower. I'll still update when I can find time between my assignments of course, as I very much love this fic and would love for you guys to see the rest of it. So anywho, the songs I have in here are War by Poets of the Fall, Wilde Rose by Faun, and then this fic's namesake, Federkleid, also by Faun. Just a little fun fact, for some reason I imagine Levi's singing voice to sound similar to the singer's voice for Poets of the Fall. It's just very deep and soothing and I enjoy it. Chapter title means "remember."


	6. Schönheit und Hässlichkeit

Levi yawned for about the fifth time in as many minutes, and he reached up with his free hand to wipe away the tears that appeared as a result. His eyes were so heavy that it was becoming painful to keep them open, but he knew he had to. He and Eren had to leave for Eren's first appointment to see Petra soon, and it wouldn't do for Levi to fall asleep and make them late.

He very much wished he didn't have to move, though. He and Eren were currently on the couch, t.v on in the background with a throw blanket draped over the both of them. Levi was reclining against the pillows on one end, Eren wedged between him and the back of the couch, head lying on the older man's chest and snoring quietly. His hand was lightly gripping Levi's shirt, and Levi had his arm currently trapped under him with only enough freedom to wrap it around Eren's shoulders, which it was at the moment. The boy had passed out after lunch not too long ago, and Levi supposed he couldn't really blame him. He had had a rather large lunch, the boy's stomach distending to accommodate it all. Even from here, he could hear Eren's insides groaning softly as they worked to move all that food through his guts. Levi felt like he should be concerned that Eren was sleeping so much, but he supposed he couldn't blame him; he had a decade of lost sleep to catch up on. Levi figured that was why he suddenly felt so tired all the time too. He was just making up for all those nights he spent lying awake, too afraid to fall asleep.

He blamed Eren for this sudden constant sleepiness. Ever since the kid showed up, Levi could barely get through the day without taking a nap right alongside him when he dropped off. Like right now, it was becoming a battle to stay awake; it would be so much easier to surrender to the deep sense of relaxation that had washed over him. Eren's body was so warm, so comfortably heavy and reassuring with its firm presence, the angles of his body slotting perfectly against Levi's. His breaths were heavy and deep, even and soft, and listening to them made Levi's own body feel so heavy he felt as if he was going to become one with the couch. He looked down at Eren's face, chest feeling warm and light when he saw how peaceful his expression was, brow relaxed and lips slightly parted, cheek squished where it was pressed against Levi. It was good to see him this way, good to see the fear gone from his face. Levi reached down and brushed the hair that had fallen into Eren's face back behind his ear, and the boy sighed deeply in response, gently nuzzling his face further into Levi's chest. The older man smiled at the sight, his gut warming in response.

Over the past week, Levi had noticed a complete difference in Eren's behavior. He had gone from being overly shy and afraid of physical contact to being downright clingy, following Levi from room to room like a puppy. He also constantly wanted to be touched, whether it was just a hand on the shoulder, or asking to hold the man's hand, or to lay against him on the couch. He always had to be in physical contact with Levi, or at least in the same room as he was. It was getting to the point where the man couldn't metaphorically or literally take a shit without Eren lurking outside the door.

He asked Eren one day about it while they had been watching a movie together, and the boy, who had been sitting at his feet in front of him, had looked away, cheeks flushing slightly as he explained.

"Before all of this," he had said, eyes averted to the floor, "I actually really liked touching other people. I, like, craved touch. I'd always asked my mom for hugs or want to hold my dad's hand, or my friends' hands. I liked being cuddled and fussed over, it was nice and made me feel loved. My parent's friends commented on how affectionate I was a lot, they thought it was cute. But then…well, you know."

Levi had felt rage once again spike in him towards this unknown person who had irreversibly ruined Eren's life. He could imagine a tiny, vibrant boy with color high in his cheeks, sitting in his mom's lap and cuddling with her, or walking down a lane hand in hand with a friend, or demanding a goodnight kiss from his dad, and soaking up all the loving attention. And then this cruel bastard had trained Eren to be afraid of the thing he loved the most, taught him that it was painful and a thing to be despised, had taken away the thing that brought that happy boy so much joy.

"I'm sorry for following you around so much, and for asking you to touch me so much," Eren mumbled after a moment, "It's just…I get really nervous when I'm alone. Like, I feel so anxious that it gets hard to think straight, and when I'm with you, I feel safe. And I guess I forgot what it was like to not be hit or hurt all the time, and it's almost like I can't get enough of being touched gently anymore. I can stop though, if you want, it's not fair to"-

"Kid, you don't need to apologize," Levi cut him off, "Not ever, not for something like that. It doesn't bother me. I enjoy the company, actually."

Eren had blinked up at him, eyes wide with wonder. "You do?"

Levi nodded in confirmation. "Mhmm. I…I well, actually, might as well come clean. I get nervous if I'm alone with my thoughts for too long too. Why do you think I took this job, Eren? Besides helping kids, which I enjoy, I also like how busy it keeps me, how I'm rarely alone in this house. If I'm by myself for too long, I get antsy, and my thoughts go in directions I'd rather they didn't. My last case was actually a year ago and…it was a rough, very lonely year."

Eren's mouth had dropped open slightly, floored that Levi had just admitted to having the same insecurities that he had. And then, deep sympathy flooded him. Levi became just as scared as Eren did when he was left alone for too long, yes, but he was obviously too proud to seek out company in order to alleviate that fear. The thought of him sitting alone in the dark, panicking at every shadow and sound, mind trapped in the darkest period of his life, made Eren so upset that he could feel tears pricking at his eyes. He leaned against Levi's legs, hugging one of his calves.

"I'm so sorry," Eren said tremulously, "It…It won't be like that anymore. For either of us. We've got each other now, right? So we won't be lonely anymore."

"Hmm," Levi hummed, grinning, "Right." He reached down and ruffled Eren's hair gently.

"And you really don't mind me wanting to touch you all the time?" the boy asked unsurely.

"Nah," he assured him, although he wasn't entirely sure why. If it had been any of his other kids, he would have encouraged them to learn how to comfort themselves; he didn't know why Eren was so different. "My mom and I always used to touch when we were in the dark together. It let me know where she was and made me feel better, reassured me I wasn't alone. I get it, Eren, don't worry."

And ever since then, Eren hadn't held back. Hence why he was snuggled so tightly against Levi now; not only was it a comfort for him, but he knew Levi drew comfort from his presence. He was just happy he could finally give back to the man who had already given him so much.

Levi's eyes snapped open, and he jerked his chin up from where it had begun to sink against his chest. He sucked a breath in through his nose, before it transformed into another yawn. As he rubbed his eyes yet again, he looked over to the digital clock under the t.v, and saw that they had exactly ten minutes to get to Petra's. It wasn't a super long drive there, since Petra was Levi's closest neighbor, and in truth if the weather was warmer out he would have suggested they walk, but he figured they should probably get up and get going now, since he knew without a doubt if he spent any longer on this couch he was going to join Eren in the realm of sleep. As appealing as that sounded, it would have to wait for later. So, reluctantly, he began to shake Eren awake.

"Eren," he murmured, "C'mon, it's time to get going."

Eren's face just pinched into an expression of lazy annoyance, and he made a few snuffling, whimpering sounds that made him sound like a sleepy puppy, before he purposefully snuggled deeper against Levi, digging himself deeper down into sleep once more. The older man rolled his eyes fondly, before switching tactics and beginning to brush the hair out of Eren's face and running his thumb along the boy's cheek.

"Come on brat, let's go," he coaxed again, "I know, I don't want to get up either, but the sooner we go, the sooner we come back, and then you can nap all you want. Or...I don't know, I _did_ have something fun planned for when we came got back, but if you'd rather stay here and sleep all day…"

At that, Eren roused himself, lifting his heavy head and blinking sleepily at Levi. The man smirked, watching the boy trying valiantly to force the sleep out of his brain.

"Som'thin fun?" Eren slurred, voice hoarse with exhaustion, "Wha' kinna som'thin?"

Levi shrugged innocently. "Guess you'll have to find out, huh?"

Eren groaned in frustration, but nevertheless grunted and stretched, reluctantly pulling himself off of Levi and allowing the other man to sit up and stretch as well, watching fondly as every one of his muscles shivered as he did so. He sat up soon after, smiling in amusement as Levi limped groggily over to the front door, cursing about how cold it was and how winter needed to piss off already. Eren followed him a moment later, slipping on his shoes alongside him and pulling on his thick coat, shivering as he zipped it up. It suddenly occurred to him that this was going to be the first time he had gone outside since he had arrived here.

"Alright then," Levi said, wrapping a dark blue scarf around his neck. He then grabbed his laptop, which was still sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch, and tucked it under his arm, "We ready?"

Eren nodded, yawning one final time, and with that, they were off out the front door and into the car.

They drove mostly in silence, Eren taking in the rural scenery with wide eyes and enjoying how pretty and white everything looked. The mountains in the distance stood out in stark contrast against the white sky, towering over them like silent guardians upon the valley. Levi even pointed out a couple of hawks flying overhead, and he couldn't help but smile at Eren's captivated reaction. He just supposed that after being kept away from the world for so long, everything was new and wonderful again. Levi understood completely, and had also had learned to appreciate every small thing, from the way the ground felt under his bare feet, to how the snow sparkled in the valley, to how small he felt standing next to the sea, and now, how Eren's eyes glittered as he took it all in.

Soon, they were pulling into Petra's long driveway, and as soon as the tires stopped crunching along the gravel, Petra herself appeared out of her front door and walked down to greet them as they got out of the car.

"Hi boys," she said cheerily, her face lighting up further when she caught sight of Eren. She gasped, "Oh my gosh, look at you sweetheart! You look so much better since the last time I saw you. Your face has filled out so much already!"

Eren shrugged, keeping his eyes on the ground as he mumbled, "Well, Levi won't stop feeding me. Every time I turn around it's 'Eren, you hungry?' 'Here, have some more steak' or 'No, you're not leaving until you finish that.'"

Levi rolled his eyes and snorted, "Well shit, sorry that I want you to stop looking like you could break in half if a strong breeze blew on by. Thanks to me you've put on-what? Twelve pounds? Fifteen? Somewhere around there, in almost a month."

Petra grinned in approval. "That's excellent. And Eren, I'm so glad you're feeling comfortable enough to speak now. I don't think I've heard your voice yet, it's very lovely."

The boy blushed, not believing a word she said, but still enjoying the praise and the happy tone in her voice nonetheless.

"Alright, I'm freezing my balls off, and I'm sure Eren is too," Levi grumbled, pulling his head closer to his shoulders and hiding his nose behind his scarf, "Let's get inside."

Petra shook her head at him, and then led the two of them inside. Once everyone had taken off their shoes and coats, she offered them slippers, which the two of them gratefully took. Eren noted that she also had a woodstove, and she ran over and put another log inside of it, making the place smell pleasantly smoky and heating up the room a few more degrees.

"Alright, well, I won't keep you two standing the front hall," Petra said from beside the wood stove, "Eren, would you like to do our session by the fire?"

The boy nodded after a moment, feeling apprehension creeping up his spine as he was reminded why he was here.

"Well, while you two do that, I'll do my own work," Levi announced, lifting his laptop slightly, "I'll be in Petra's office if you need me."

Eren suddenly felt the apprehension increase tenfold at the thought of Levi leaving him alone. It wasn't that he didn't trust Petra; he just didn't want to be by himself as he divulged some of the most terrible things that had happened to him. He knew it wouldn't be pleasant reliving those memories, and he wanted the man there for support.

"Wait!" Eren burst out, causing both of them to pause and look at him. Immediately, the boy lowered his gaze to the ground, hands gripping each other and color flushing in his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, "I didn't mean…I just, I'd rather Levi stay. I'm sorry."

At once, Petra responded, "Oh honey, don't be sorry. This is about you and what you're most comfortable with. Some people would rather be alone for therapy sessions, some would rather someone else be with them. Levi can stay if you'd rather him be here for this."

Eren shrugged, keeping his eyes on the ground. "Well, I mean," he mumbled, "If he has work to do, then"-

"Oh Eren, stop it," Levi chastised gently, "I'll pick helping you over the shit Erwin has me doing every time."

"I'm gonna tell him you said that," Petra said, sitting down in one of the armchairs by the fire, picking up her notepad.

Levi plopped onto the couch, grumbling, "Go ahead. You know he won't fire me." He patted the seat next to him, and Eren joined him.

"He won't," Petra agreed, "Though how you became his favorite I'll never know. Definitely wasn't for your stellar charm."

"Don't you have a therapy session to do or something?"

She laughed lightly, and when everyone was settled she began with, "Alright then, so, Eren, I actually wanted to start off by telling you. I got a call from Erwin this morning. He was actually trying to get a hold of you, Levi, but you didn't pick up."

The man rubbed the bridge of his nose and huffed, "Shit. Didn't even hear my phone ring this morning. Well he's definitely going to fire me now. What did he want?"

Petra looked at both of them, her eyes lingering on Eren for a moment longer, before she eventually said, "They found the man who held Eren prisoner early this morning."

The boy sucked in a breath, eyes going wide. "He's…they got him?"

"Well, sort of," she admitted, "They said they found him a few miles away from his home. He was dead though. Shot himself in the head. It looked like he tried to run away the moment you did, and then when it turned out he wasn't going to get away from the cops, he killed himself."

Levi growled low and threating beside Eren. "That cowardly piece of shit. So he was fine dishing out pain but couldn't handle any himself. I…Jesus, I'm so sorry Eren"-

"No," the boy said sharply, surprising them both, "Don't be. He's gone now. I-It would have been nice if he'd gone to prison, but maybe he would have just killed himself there too. I don't care. He's out of my life and I don't have to worry about him finding me and hurting me anymore."

Levi and Petra were rendered speechless for a moment by Eren's declaration, before they both just nodded in agreement, not knowing what else to say, and not entirely sure that Eren believed what he was saying himself.

Eventually, Petra broke the silence, saying, "Okay, to get down to business, um, Eren, where would you like to start today?"

The boy paused, taken aback. He definitely hadn't expected Petra to ask _him_ how to run this session. He just assumed she would control how everything went. So, he hesitated for a minute, heart thumping uncomfortably hard, before he answered quietly, "Well, maybe, I could start from the beginning. Get everything off my chest. It might help. I mean, I have bad dreams on a regular basis. You think telling you about what happened to me might stop some of them?"

"Absolutely," Petra nodded, "If there's anything I've found out doing this job, is that sometimes putting a bad experience in the open is like draining poison out of a snake bite. It makes you feel better when someone else knows, makes the burden feel less heavy. But you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to share right now. We have an hour. What you do with it is up to you."

"Okay," Eren sighed, steeling himself, "Then yeah, I guess I'll start at the beginning."

He scooted a little closer to Levi on the couch until their thighs were gently touching, just reassuring himself that the other man was in fact still there, before he took another deep breath, trying to slow his heartbeat to something manageable, before he began.

"I was eight when that man took me," he started off, "He was a family friend. N…Nile Dok was his name. He uh, was a friend of my dad's, worked at the same doctor's office he did as an ultrasound technician. Came by for holiday parties and stuff with his wife and kids. So, one day, when he came by the house when my parents weren't home and said he needed my help with something, I just went with him. Said it was something only I could help him with. He…He led me into his basement"-

The boy stopped, feeling his throat close up slightly. Truthfully, as he had been telling his story, he had been trying to keep himself distant from the memories, as if he were just relaying a story someone else had told him. But now, he could feel the images coming back, as vivid as they had been ten years ago, the blackness that lived in them reaching for his heart and threatening to strangle it.

But then suddenly, he felt a reassuring hand squeeze his knee, and he found himself looking up and meeting Levi's dark eyes, which were soft with understanding and kindness. They told him without words that he didn't have to go on if he didn't want to, but now that he had started, Eren found that he couldn't stop. Besides, he would be alright as long as Levi was there with him. He put his hand over Levi's, holding onto it for support, and the man let him, keeping his hand firmly where it was.

"He led me into his basement," Eren continued after he took in a shaky breath and let it out slowly, "Said he had something down there he wanted me to bring up. Then he locked the door and turned on the light. And the first thing I saw was a bed in the corner. Looked like a bed from the doctor's office. And there was a toilet in the corner, a closet next to that…and that was pretty much it. It was pretty sparse down there, but the walls looked thick. And there were-there were chains and handcuffs strung up over the pipes. I think he had prepared the room for me. There was even more stuff I didn't see at the time too, like the coffin in the closet, or the chastity belt he had reconfigured for me. I asked what he was doing, said I wanted to go home. Nile told me this was my new home now. I…I told him my parents would come looking for me. He said-he said they wouldn't because they were dead. That he'd killed them. I never knew what happened to them, but they never did come looking for me. So maybe he really did kill them."

"Oh sweetheart," Petra breathed, "I- what were your parents' names?"

Eren took another steadying breath, before answering, "Carla and Grisha."

Petra and Levi shared a look, before the dark haired man said quietly, "So it was that Dr. and Mrs. Jaeger. Yeah, Eren, they were on the news ten years ago. Their house had burnt down ten years ago with them inside. They just said the fire was accidental. But now…"

"Shit," Eren swore, voice thickening as tears welled up in his eyes, "He…they- I mean, I guess I always knew, but"-

He pressed the heel of his hand against one of his eyes in an attempt to stem the flow, but failed, a solitary tear slipping down his cheek, before he wiped at his face furiously. With his other hand, he squeezed Levi's hand in a death grip, his knuckles going white and the tendons straining against the skin. Levi rearranged their hands so that he was gripping Eren's hand with both of his, rubbing his knuckles in an attempt to get them to relax. They did so after a minute, but his tears didn't abate.

"Why?" Eren gasped breathlessly, "Why did he do this to us? He told me he kept me to punish me, because I made him have 'impure thoughts' and was destroying his traditional family values. He said I made him gay. I told him I was sorry over and over, but it made no difference. I just wanted to go home, and he kept me there for ten years, hid me from his family, tied me to those pipes and forced himself on me over and over dozens of times a day."

"Eren, Eren, shh," Levi shushed him, reaching up and placing a cool hand on the back of the boy's heated neck, massaging the muscles there, "Shh, enough. You're shaking. Just take a minute, breathe."

Sure enough, he was right. Eren looked down to see that his arms were trembling and that his chest was shuddering around the air he was trying to draw in. He coughed, feeling dizzy from how quickly his memories were raging through his head, how potent and vicious they suddenly were. His stomach was also beginning to churn, threatening to eject his lunch back up his throat.

"He's right," Petra agreed, noticing the boy's pale face and the sweat shinning on his forehead, "I think that's enough for today. Give yourself a moment to calm down, and then I think you should go home and rest."

She got up from her chair, putting down her notepad, before disappearing into the kitchen. She came back with a cup of water and handed it to Eren, who took it gratefully, gulping down half of it, before putting it down on the side table and focusing on taking deep breaths, and Levi's warm hand covering his own while the other still rubbed the nape of his neck, trying to ground himself. Little by little, he dragged himself out of that dark hole, and brought himself back in the present, back on the couch with the people who loved him and out of that horrible basement.

"Okay," Eren agreed quietly, "Okay, yeah. I think I want to go home."

"You did good today, Eren," Petra assured him, "Despite how unpleasant it was reliving it, I'm sure on some level it felt good to get all of that off your chest, didn't it?"

The boy hesitated, before nodding sincerely. She was right; underneath all the nausea and shakiness, his insides did in fact feel lighter, as if some of the shadows had been swept away.

"And honey, before you go," she said, kneeling down in front of him and placing her hand on his other knee, "I just want to assure you that you didn't make Nile do anything. You didn't make him gay, you didn't give him any reasons to punish you, and you certainly didn't deserve all the bad things he did to you."

"Bu-But, I"-

"You didn't. You were just a child, Eren. You were just going through life, doing what children do, and he took very cruelly and selfishly took you away from that happy life. Now, I don't expect you to fully believe what I'm telling you now, as many of the kids I've worked with have a hard time accepting these things at first, but I thought I'd put the idea in your head now that what happened to you wasn't your fault, and that you are one hundred percent the victim here."

Eren blinked at her, mouth agape, and then helplessly turned to Levi, as if searching for confirmation in the man's face. He received it with a nod, and another, firmer squeeze to his hand. "She's right. They told me the same thing when I was in therapy, Eren. Don't worry, it took me a few years to begin to believe it too, but you will someday, I promise."

The boy's lower lip began to tremble, overwhelmed by the affection in their gazes and the knowledge that it was for him. The tears started up in his eyes once more, welling up and spilling over and he didn't have a chance to try and stop them. The sobs jerked at his chest, and without even thinking, he leaned against Levi, searching for that safe, warm place in the crook of the man's shoulder. Levi didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around him and hold him close, while Petra kept a comforting hand on his knee and rubbed it slowly, keeping silent.

There was nothing more they could say, after all.

000

A little while later, Eren found himself back in the entryway of Levi's house, all traces of tears gone but eyes hollow with exhaustion. Levi noticed, of course, and after he removed his shoes, nodded towards the couch.

"Here kid, lay down," he suggested, pulling back the throw from where it sat on the cushions invitingly, "You can nap and I'll wake you up when I have dinner ready."

However, Eren surprised him by shaking his head, and saying, "Didn't you say we were going to do something fun afterwards?"

Levi let his shoulders drop in slight exasperation and narrowed his eyes at him. "Eren, you look like you're going to drop where you stand. It can wait for another day, it's alright."

"No," the boy insisted stubbornly, "I'm not that tired, honest. I could use some fun. And…I'd really rather do something to distract myself for a bit. Please?"

The urge to argue with him was swept away by the memory of Eren's terrified, haunted face as he recounted his story, and Levi knew very well that even if he did manage to relax enough to sleep, all that awaited him may very well be nightmares brought forth by the fresh memories. So, he relented, figuring that what he had planned wasn't that rigorous in the first place, and if Eren looked too tired, he could always force him to turn in.

"Alright kid," he sighed, and Levi decided that the bright smile Eren flashed him was most definitely worth it. "Wait here. Keep your coat and shoes on."

He did as he was told, waiting patiently in the entryway, only to become confused when Levi returned with a few handfuls of baby carrots and offered them to him, instructing him to put them in his pockets. Eren did so without a word, but still raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"We should head out now," Levi said, putting his shoes back on, "It's dusk. Perfect time for them to come out."

"For what to come out?" Eren asked unsurely, "Where are we heading?"

The older man smirked at him from where he was tying his shoes, and then stood up. "We're going to take a quick walk to my back woods."

"And we need these carrots because…?"

"You'll see."

Soon enough, Eren was following Levi out into his backyard, noting that the sun was indeed beginning to dip behind the mountains in the distance. There was a slight breeze that nipped at their cheeks and chapped their lips, blowing the hair off Eren's forehead. The deep snow crunched beneath their feet, Eren sinking up to his calves while the snow came above Levi's knees, and the boy had to hold back the snorts of laughter that threatened to bubble out of him as the older man floundered and struggled through the snow, cursing all the way. If he were feeling stronger, Eren felt like he'd offer to carry the man across his backyard, and oh wouldn't that be a sight to behold?

Soon enough, the boy began to see why they were out there when they drew a little closer to the woods and saw the fuzzy, large shapes filtering among the trees. More deer were stripping at the bark of the trees, their fluffy coats powdered with snow. When they caught sight of them, surprisingly they didn't run, but instead regarded them curiously, large ears angled forward.

"Here, toss them a carrot," Levi instructed.

Hesitating for a moment, the boy did so, rolling one carrot across the crusty layer of snow that sat on top. Immediately, one of the deer left its spot by the tree and began to nose at it, licking it up and crunching it when it deemed the object safe to eat. It licked its lips for a moment, before it began to trudge through the snow closer to Eren, until it was barely a foot in front of him. He tossed it another carrot, which it took quickly, and then came up to stand directly in front of the boy, nosing his pockets, figuring out rapidly where the treats were being kept.

Eren laughed, but before he could give the deer another carrot, he noticed a few other brave ones emerging from the woods, at least four others, their ears swiveling and their tails twitching, dark eyes fixed on him.

"The deer around here are pretty friendly," Levi explained, "The locals feed them all the time, and they have no problems going right up to people to beg for food."

"No kidding," Eren huffed in amusement as one nibbled his coat sleeve, "Holy crap, they're so demanding!"

Levi snorted lightly. "Well you better feed them then, Snow White."

The older man, having no carrots of his own, decided to just watch the boy feed the deer all the carrots he had, that warmth in his chest growing as he took in the rosy color of Eren's cheeks, his bright smile, his easy, light laughter. His eyes had caught the last of the orange rays of sunlight left peaking over the mountains, trapping it and making his green eyes glow. His hair, which had been burnished red, blew softly in the breeze, tickling his forehead. And in this bubble of a moment Levi saw one of the those instances that made his job and all the blood, sweat and tears he poured into it worth it. Eren was learning about the beauty in the world. And slowly, they would extract the darkness that had been instilled in him and replace those experiences with beauty.

Now, he just had to get Eren to see in himself what Levi had seen from the very beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "beauty and ugliness."


	7. Schutz

"Alright Eren, I just need you to hop up on the scale for me. Shoes off please."

The boy sighed, hoping the air leaving his body would take away the jitters that came from being in a Dr.'s office as well. It was ironic, really. He could barely remember the events of his last stay here, though Hanji had told him he had been there for a week. But what he did remember was colored by terror and pain. And now here was again, a little over a month later and finishing up his first check-up to evaluate his physical health. Eren knew it was just a check-up, remembered that Hanji was kind and just a tad eccentric and meant no harm to him, but it didn't stop his stomach from tingling with nerves as he toed off his shoes and stepped on her scale. He chanced a look behind him, seeing that yes, of course Levi was still there, arms crossed and nodding encouragingly. At that, Eren's nerves settled slightly, and he turned his head back around to regard the numbers appearing on the scale.

"One thirty one point four," Hanji read, and wrote it down on her chart, "Looking good."

Eren looked at her worriedly. "Isn't that a bit much?"

"Oh no no," she assured him quickly, "In fact, you still have quite a bit of weight to gain. For your height and build you should be somewhere in the one fifty range."

His eyes widened and then his brows furrowed in confusion, before he asked timidly, "And how much did I weigh when you first brought me in?"

Hanji glanced down at her chart and then back up to him and said, "Only one hundred and ten."

Levi commented from behind them, "Jesus Eren, no wonder you were collapsing constantly. Don't blame me so much now for forcing you to eat all the time, do you?"

Eren rolled his eyes. "Do you have to be such a mom about it though? Literally every time you hear my stomach growl all of a sudden I find a sandwich or something under my nose and you demanding that I eat it."

"As well he should," Hanji nodded approvingly, "Eren, I don't think you realize how close you were to dying. You were so thin that your body was beginning to digest your muscles for energy. If you hadn't escaped when you did your organs would have begun to shut down after they finished depleting all the nutrients they could get from your muscles."

Eren blinked a couple of times as her words processed, and all he could say in reply was, "Oh. I, um, I see."

He stepped off the scale, and awkwardly put his shoes on, mumbling, "I'm sorry, Levi. I really do appreciate you fussing over me like you do. I mean, it's thanks to you that I'm finally beginning to forget what hunger even feels like. I already owe you more for that then I'll ever be able to pay back in a lifetime."

The boy stood up in time to see the older man waving him off and saying, "Stop it, Eren. I've already told you, you don't need to thank me for providing you with things no one should normally have to worry about, like having a warm place to sleep or food in your stomach. If anything, it just makes me sad that you don't take these things for granted like normal kids your age."

Unsure of what to say, Eren just kept his gaze on the floor, conflicted over wanting to do what Levi said and between his own feelings. But he didn't get to wrestle with them for long, because soon enough Hanji broke the silence, motioning for them to follow her in the back down the hallway.

"This is the last part of the physical," she said, "I just need to take a bit of blood, Eren, alright? So we can compare it to the last samples, make sure that you're still free and clear. Your kidneys were suffering a bit last time, though that's probably due to how dehydrated you were, so you should be fine this time around."

Eren bit his lip nervously, not liking the idea of a needle again. He did remember the parts with the needles from the first time around. His heart began to beat unevenly in his chest, and he could feel the blood draining slowly from his head. Unsettled, he turned his head to regard Levi, who was walking beside him. He nudged his hand with his own, a blatant plea for comfort, and the man didn't hesitate to respond, tangling their fingers together and squeezing the boy's hand. His hand seemed to be just as clammy and cold as Eren's, odd considering how warm the Dr.'s office was. This was a familiar ritual by now, letting the boy know silently without words that he was still there and he wasn't going anywhere. Eren let this thought settle his nerves slightly, and combined it with the reminder that he had suffered far worse pain than the prick of a needle.

The two of them held hands all the way down to the back room usually reserved for patients receiving transfusions or other treatments that required them to be hooked up to a bag for long periods of time. The chairs in the back were spacious and comfortable, and could even recline back. There were televisions rigged up on the walls overhead that were currently off, and at the moment no one was back here.

"Thought it might be quieter and more comfortable for you back here, away from all of those people," the doctor explained, "You still feel overwhelmed when you're around too many people at once, don't you Eren."

It wasn't a question, merely an observation. A correct one; she must have seen how tense he was in the waiting room, how he had practically curled in on himself and frozen up, the hunted look from his earlier days returning. Levi had noticed too, and was grateful to her for suggesting this. This was why Hanji was the preferred doctor for the Wings of Freedom; she was very observant and non-judgmental, willing to accommodate these kids to the best of her ability.

Their hands remained joined as Eren sat down, Levi sitting on the edge of the chair next to him. The boy scooted back as far as he could into his, and by the time he had situated himself, a nurse was coming from the front with a set of needles and vials. When she got close enough that Eren could clearly make out the needles in her hand, she greeted him, and Eren smiled shakily in response, surprised and proud of himself for managing that. However, that wasn't the only thing that surprised him. He felt Levi spasmodically squeezing his hand when the nurse walked in as well, his grip so strong for an instant that it was painful. Confused, Eren looked over to him.

Strangely enough, while Levi's face was blank and apathetic as it usually was, for some reason it seemed even more so, as if the man was trying with everything he had to maintain his natural expression. But what gave him away that something was wrong was the fact that his hand had become even clammier in Eren's, his fingertips becoming a waxy white, a sign that the blood had long receded from them. His chest was also rising and falling more rapidly, but it was so subtle that no one but the boy, who was the closest to him in the room, noticed. The man was also pointedly staring straight ahead, his eyes determinedly focusing on nothing, jaw tight and throat flexing minutely.

Before Eren could ask what was going on, the nurse was kneeling down by his opposite arm, gently straightening it so that she had access to his bicep.

"Alright honey," the nurse said, "You're just going to feel a stick for a moment. We'll get the sample quick and easy and you'll be out of here in a minute, sound good?"

Eren just nodded numbly, torn between paying attention to the needle and tubing system she was putting together and Levi, still clearly in some kind of distress beside him. However, the needle won out, because it was ready just a moment later, and the nurse was aiming it towards his arm. Eren quickly looked away, fairly sure he'd be unable to stand the sight of it entering his flesh. However, when he felt the painful prick in his upper arm, he let out a surprised whimper, jumping slightly in his seat, even though he had known it was coming. His hands began to shake, and a few more whimpers escaped him, sweat beading on his forehead and his stomach doing all sorts of nauseous flips.

He closed his eyes, spending the next minute trying to concentrate on drawing his breaths in and pushing them out one at a time. Eren heard Hanji praising him and telling him what a good job he was doing, saying the words Levi usually did. Yet, the man himself was unusually silent, and Eren took the chance to look at him again. His breathing had picked up even further, and Eren realized that the tremor in his right hand wasn't just due to his own nervous trembling, but to Levi's as well. He also looked pale, so much paler than usual, and Eren began to wonder if he had become sick.

"Levi?" he tried, voice wavering under his own lingering fear, "What are you- I mean, is everything okay?"

Levi swallowed hard, wincing at the action. His throat was too dry, too dry even for him to have a drop of moisture left in his mouth so that he could soothe it, all of it evaporated within the space of now and when Hanji had first brought up that Eren needed bloodwork done. However, before he could answer, the nurse spoke up beside them, sounding mildly annoyed.

"Oh shoot," she mumbled to herself.

"What's the matter?" Hanji said beside her.

"I'm not getting any blood. Let me try a different spot, maybe I just didn't put it in a vein."

"Sometimes that happens, don't worry about it."

Eren felt the needle slide out, and then poke a different spot. He jumped again, a muffled yelp escaping him as the pain surprised him again, the nerves in his belly squirming around as a worm might. Both the nurse and Hanji hushed him, Hanji murmuring, "I know hon, we're sorry. Sometimes this happens, where it's difficult to pull blood from a patient because it's hard to find a vein."

At the same time he yelped, Eren felt Levi jump slightly as well, and peaking over at the man he could see that his breathing rate had increased, and he was gritting his jaw even tighter. However now, Eren could see the faint shine of sweat on his forehead. It was almost as if he were being poked with the needle as well, his hand still clutching Eren's in a death grip.

"Still nothing," the nurse sighed, eyeing the empty tubing, "Oh come on, stupid thing. I'm sorry, Eren. Hopefully one more poke and then we'll get something."

Another poke. Another pained yip from the terrified boy. However, the difference this time was Levi's reaction to it. Eren felt a tug on his hand as the man abruptly jerked himself around to face the nurses, and the look on his face was unlike anything he had ever seen from him before. Despite the fact that his face was still utterly pale and there was still a subtle tremor to his upper arms, a deathly, fiery anger had darkened his features. His teeth were bared in a snarl, and he leapt up from his chair, leaning over Eren and holding the boy's free hand to his chest.

"That's enough!" he growled, "You're hurting him!"

Eren gazed up Levi, who appeared to be trying to cover him with his own body, the man's hackles raised and his fierce glare directed at Hanji and the nurse. It took a moment for the boy to realize Levi wasn't angry at him, oh no; he was _protecting_ him.

Hanji and the nurse gaped at him in shock for a few moments, before Levi seemed to come back to himself, the rage bleeding from him and a wave of regret and shame replacing it. He seemed to shrink where he stood, lowering his gaze and mumbling, "Sorry, I just- shit," before he retreated back to his seat, refusing to look anyone in the eye. He maintained his hold on Eren's hand though, his knuckles white with strain and the tremor in his arms still present. The boy wanted to ask what had just happened, what was wrong, but Levi's lips were pressed into a thin line, and he knew he wasn't going to get any answers out of him right now.

"Finally!" the nurse said victoriously, watching the blood travel from Eren's arm and up through the tubing, "So sorry about all that, sweetie. You'll be out of here in a minute, now."

He hadn't even felt her put the needle back in his arm again, so concerned over Levi had he been, but now that she said it, a small wave of relief crashed over him. However, it receded quickly as his gaze remained locked on the older man, his heart sinking as he finally realized why his stiff posture and pale face looked so familiar to Eren, why he felt empathy clawing at his chest and tears threatening to well up in his eyes.

Levi looked just like Eren normally did when he was reliving some horrible memory.

000

Dinner that night was mostly eaten in silence, neither of them attempting to talk to one another beyond what was necessary to figure what Eren wanted to eat that night and when it was ready. For a while, the only sounds were the clinking of silverware and to Eren the sound of him swallowing his mouthfuls of food. He pretended to focus on his plate, but every once in a while his eyes would flicker up to Levi, seeing that the man was still tense and pale, his jaw still clenched too tight, and that instead of eating his dinner, he was mostly focusing on his laptop in front of him and letting it get cold. And yet, he looked like he was having trouble focusing on that as well, his eyes constantly drifting from the screen itself to the table.

For a while, Eren kept quiet, trying to finish his dinner, knowing he'd get an earful if every single bite wasn't consumed before he left the table. But soon, the mouthfuls started sticking in his throat, tasting more like glue than chicken as his mouth began to dry out in his worry. His heart commanded him to help Levi, to do something to make him stop this uneasiness that had come over him, because Eren knew how miserable a sensation that was and couldn't stand the thought of the other man experiencing that. But he had no idea what he could possibly do.

"Eren, eat your dinner before it grows feathers and a beak again," Eren heard Levi say, and he started, unaware that the man had even been paying attention to him.

"Sorry," he muttered, but didn't attempt to take another bite, his own worries still consuming him.

"Are you feeling okay?" Levi wondered, "Still a little shaken up?"

At first, Eren shook his head, and then paused, an idea occurring to him. Eren's mother often told him when he was little that the best cure for your own troubles was to take care of someone else, because when you were focused on another person, your own problems seemed less distressing, at least for a little while. So, the boy seized his chance, fashioning a white lie.

"Um, actually," he said softly, "My head kind of hurts. Stress headache probably. Do you…do you think you could, um, pet my head for a minute? It might help."

Levi stared at him for a moment, before he sighed and stood up, coming to stand next to him until their bodies were touching. He began running his fingers through Eren's hair a moment later, pulling it gently back from his forehead over and over again. They sat in silence like this for a minute, and in that minute, the boy could feel the tension slowly draining out of Levi's body, his movements becoming less jerky, his jaw becoming less tight, and the hunted look finally leaving his posture. He stood up straight and relaxed, muscles easing and breathing becoming more even the longer he stood there, and Eren in turn began to feel himself relax as well.

"You're so spoiled, you know that?" Levi huffed, though there was no heat whatsoever behind his words. Eren smiled to himself, and leaned his head against the man's abdomen, feeling relieved that he was beginning to relax. He glanced up at Levi's face, eyes shining.

"Hey, I deserve it," he said cheekily.

"Not saying you don't," Levi agreed, "Just pointing out that you might become that fat, pampered house cat you wanted to be a life sooner than you thought."

"I'm alright with that."

He closed his eyes and sighed as Levi cupped his head and held it against his stomach, nuzzling his nose into his sweater gratefully. At those actions, Levi felt an undeniable swell of warmth and affection rising up from his toes all the way into his chest to settle snuggly in his heart. He began to wonder if, even though he was only in his early thirties, if age was already beginning to make him soft, because he let Eren get away with so much more than he ever let his other kids. He knew he would have never spoiled them like this, instead encouraging them to learn how to take care of themselves, as they would need to when they eventually left his care and were living on their own. He would encourage their independence and growth as much as he could, and while he was also doing that for Eren, he also found himself helpless to deny the boy when he blatantly asked Levi to fuss over him or comfort him. He tried to deny that it was for anything but Eren's benefit, but as time went on, he began to develop a slightly different theory; it _was_ all for Eren's benefit, but he also found that touch for him was just as cathartic as it was for Eren, and he wondered how or why he had denied himself of it for years. He supposed none of his other kids had been nearly as touchy-feely as this boy was, and now that the proverbial Pandora's box of touch and cuddling had been opened, he didn't feel the desire to close it again.

Eren also inspired in him a sense of affection he couldn't remember feeling for anyone before. It made him want to fuss over the boy, to protect him from anything that might harm him, to make sure he would never want for anything in the world. The closest comparison he could draw upon for this strange feeling was what his mother might have felt for him, and he concluded that it was a very wonderful sensation. Eren made him realize he was missing something he hadn't even realized had been gone, but now that it was back, he never wanted it to leave again.

"Thanks, Levi," Eren said after a few minutes, "My head is feeling better now."

He nodded approvingly. "Alright, good. In that case, you have a few more bites of chicken you can finish before you leave the table."

The boy groaned like the petulant teenager he was and pulled his head away from Levi's stomach to give him an annoyed look. "But it's probably cold by now. Besides, I'm pretty full anyway."

"Don't care," Levi shrugged as he removed his hands from Eren's hair and went back to sit in his seat at the table, "Heat it up then. You heard Hanji, you still have twenty pounds to gain. We're not exactly worried about you maintaining your girlish figure, Eren."

Grumbling under his breath, Eren simply did as he was told, finishing the few bites he had left quickly before putting his dishes in the sink and muttering, "There, happy now?"

"I'm never happy, but I'm less annoyed, if that's what you mean," Levi said with a smirk.

"I'm less annoyed if that's what you mean," Eren repeated mockingly, "My name is Levi and I'm five inches tall and I'm thirty years old and still think poop jokes are hilarious."

The boy soon found himself ducking to avoid a glob of mashed potatoes that landed thankfully in the sink, and when he looked up again, he saw that no surprise, Levi had his spoon bent back, armed with another glob of mashed potatoes, eyebrows raised while the rest of his face remained impassive, daring Eren to mock him again. But of course, one thing he had learned since Eren had begun to recover was that the boy could be an insufferable smartass, so naturally he took Levi's dare without hesitation.

"Also, why the hell do you have to keep every room in the house so damn clean?" Eren asked, "I mean, there's clean and then there's pre-op sterile, and at this point Hanji could just set up her practice in here, because Jesus"-

"Eren, you keep talking, and you _will_ find deer shit in your cereal in the morning."

At that, he snickered and left the kitchen, yelping as Levi flicked his ribs as he passed, and the man rolled his eyes, knowing for a fact that he hadn't hurt him. However, as he watched Eren retreat into the living room, he couldn't help the small smile that insisted on appearing on his face.

God, he really _was_ getting soft.

000

At around three in the morning, the peaceful quiet of the house was shattered violently by a blood-curdling scream, as was the occasional norm that Levi had come to expect and prepare for ever since Eren moved in.

However, this wasn't coming from Eren's room.

Levi was flung viciously into consciousness, his own screams waking him up from his horrid dreams, heart pounding so hard that it felt like it was trying to smash its way out of his chest. His limbs were buzzing painfully with adrenaline, and his eyes were darting around his room. His back and chest were soaked with sweat, and it took him a minute to realize that he could in fact move his arms and legs now. However, the pain his tormentors had been inflicting on him in his dream lingered harshly in the present, burning between his legs before it rose upwards in raging, hot waves of agony, making him tremble violently with the memory.

_Needles being jammed into his neck, twisted, dug into soft, sensitive flesh. Needles being shoved under his fingernails, into his pelvis, the thin skin of his inner thighs, his genitals and anus. Their laughter at his pain and knowing they were the ones causing it. Needles causing him blinding agony, needles injecting him with something made it so he couldn't move while they tortured him, could only sit and watch as the needles got closer and closer before they pierced him and made him scream, scream, scream-_

Suddenly, Levi felt his insides churn and gurgle, nausea savagely gripping his abdomen like a vice and forcing acid, hot and potent, up his esophagus. With that as his only warning, limbs shaking with adrenaline, he stumbled out of bed and towards the bathroom, barely making it in time before he was retching his dinner into the toilet. His body shook and heaved with the force of it, his stomach stuck in a cycle of painful spasms as it pumped up everything that might possibly be inside of it. And underneath all the physical pain, the terror lingered in his veins, keeping his heart rate up and his head dizzy with it.

And strangely, the only coherent thought that managed to break through the humid, thick mess of his brain was that he hoped by some miracle that Eren wasn't hearing any of this. He hoped the boy was still in bed, sound asleep, that he wouldn't have to see Levi like this, wouldn't have to see him for who he was; a sniveling, wrecked, frightened coward that was still controlled by his past as much as Eren was. He wanted the boy to believe that he was infallible so that Eren could keep his peace of mind, so that he'd believe he was being taken care of by someone who could keep him safe and wouldn't have to worry about Levi like he was already worried about himself. He hoped-

"Levi?"

Levi, at hearing that familiar voice from the doorway, sat up and whipped his head around, vision instantly going dark around the edges and tunneling when he did so. But even if he had gone completely blind, he'd know who was there, and it wouldn't have lessened his shock any.

"Oh God," Eren breathed, his green eyes huge and round with shock as he took in Levi's disheveled appearance.

"E-Eren," the man said from the floor, his voice rough and strained, "Go back to bed. It's-I'm okay. It was just…"

But once again, Eren surprised him by saying determinedly, "Like hell I'm going back to bed. Holy shit, Levi…"

He came further into the bathroom, turning on the lights and swiftly kneeling beside the man, hands held in the air with indecision. He wanted badly to touch him, to comfort him, to do something to ease his distress, but he had no idea what. He had never seen Levi like this before, and far from scaring him off like the older man feared, it just drew Eren closer to him.

"What happened?" the boy asked, at last dropping his hands on Levi's face, attempting to lift it gently so that he could look at him.

Levi just stared at him for several moments, and Eren could see not only how foggy his eyes looked, but how every drop of blood had drained from his face. Even his lips were completely bloodless, and sweat was shining on his brow, a few stray strands of hair wet with it and sticking to his forehead. He looked confused, helpless, and so scared that Eren's heart ached. Eventually, he answered after averting his eyes, keeping his gaze locked firmly on a spot off to their left.

"Bad dream," he mumbled, "Really bad dream. It's- I don't really want to-to"-

And then suddenly he was pulling away from Eren and struggling to haul himself back towards the toilet, managing to get his chin over the rim of the bowl before the sounds of his vomiting echoed in the bathroom once more. However, in the middle of his fit, he felt a hesitant, warm hand place itself upon his back. When he didn't make any moves to push it off, he felt the hand begin to rub up and down his back soothingly, continuing even when he stopped throwing up and simply panted over the toilet bowl. He heard it flush and looked up to see Eren with his hand on the handle, before the boy kneeled back beside him and put his hand back on his back, silently letting him know that he was there if Levi wanted him.

And when the man stopped to look inside of himself, he realized…he did. He did want Eren there. He didn't know what it was, but something deep inside of him was crying out for the comfort the boy was offering, something that remembered his mother's touch and realized it felt like Eren's right now. That something compelled him down away from the toilet and for him to lay back down on the tile floor, to place his head in the boy's lap and simply allow his fingers to run through his sweaty hair, to push his damp bangs back away from his forehead. It said that Levi was far too tired to keep up this charade of strength any longer, and that it was alright to be weak once in a while, and finally, Levi gave in, gave up, and let go of his worries.

They sat there in silence for a while, Levi shivering with weakness and discomfort while Eren supported his head in his lap, one hand in his hair and the other reaching down to brush his thumb across the back of Levi's knuckles. He eventually sat up again to throw up one last time, and he knew it would be the last time because all that came up was a thin stream of yellow bile and saliva. His stomach contracted and gave a few more spasms, before he could feel it easing at last. However, just to be safe, Levi kept his head over the toilet bowl for a while longer, focusing on breathing. He could hear Eren moving around behind him, could hear the sound of the toilet flushing again, the sound of the sink running, before he was kneeling down with a small cup of water.

"Here," he said, "Rinse with this."

Levi took it from him, took a sip and swished it around in his mouth for a bit, before he spit it into the toilet. He took another couple of sips, swallowing those ones and letting the water cool down his hot insides. He knew it was also a good idea to drink something to replenish some of the fluids that had just been purged from his body and would hopefully help to relieve his dizziness. He handed the empty cup back to Eren, who took it and placed it on the sink. It was then that Levi also remembered the sticky, slimy sweat that still coated his upper body, and he pulled off his shirt, leaving it on the floor for the morning. However, of course, the instant he did this, the sweat began cooling on his skin, and he began shivering harder in earnest.

"Stay right there," Eren told him, "I'll be right back."

Levi watched him leave, and then return a minute later with a blanket from one of his closets. He bent down and wrapped it around the older man's shoulders, asking, "You think you're done throwing up now?"

Levi nodded tiredly, and Eren suggested, "Alright then, I'll help you get back to bed then."

"No," he said abruptly, and then slowed down, explaining, "No, Eren. I don't think I could sleep in there right now. It's just…it…"

"Hey, hey, that's fine," the kid assured him, "You don't have to explain. We can go in the living room then."

" _We're_ not doing anything," Levi said firmly, "You're going back to bed. I'm fine now, Eren, I'll just stay up in the living room for a bit until I fall asleep."

He of course knew he there wasn't a chance of him going back to sleep tonight, and he also knew that Eren didn't deserve to suffer along with him. However, the kid saw right through him, and just huffed, "Oh shut up, Levi. You and I both know that's a lie and that you're just going to sit there and mull over this bad dream until it drives you nuts and makes it so that you can't sleep for a week."

The man regarded him with stunned surprise, and Eren just smiled wryly, throwing Levi's own words back at him as he said, "I know how this stuff works, kid. So come on, let's go."

Levi didn't resist, instead leaning against Eren as he pulled him to his feet and pulled the man's arm around his shoulders. He let himself be led slowly and carefully into the living room, let Eren turn on the lights and set him on the couch, where he pulled the blanket a little tighter around himself and waited for the heat of the woodstove to permeate his cold bones. Eren found the remote and turned on the t.v, before he sat down snuggly next to Levi.

"Here, let's see what kind of stupid shit the home shopping network is trying to sell us at four in the morning, shall we?" Eren quipped, looking over at him.

"Okay," Levi agreed, surprising himself when he found himself leaning against Eren's body, his own body feeling the heat from the boy and latching onto it.

They watched together for a while, Levi feeling his shivers dissipate after a while and his fear being to fade away as reality became clearer and sharper around him. He took in the familiar chatter of the t.v, the calm surroundings of his living room, the solid warmth of Eren's body next to his and the boy's clean scent, and could feel his heart easing in his chest. However, it wouldn't ease completely, and he knew why. The poison of his dream was still lingering inside him, banging around and looking for a way out. His mouth seemed the quickest way, but he kept his lips tightly shut. The words were there though, sitting heavily on the back of his tongue, begging to be released. After fifteen years, they were so painful that he couldn't stand it anymore. So, he opened his mouth, and once he started, he found it impossible to stop.

"My dream was about one of the times they tortured me," he began to Eren, and he saw the boy's ears prick in response, but he didn't say anything. "I pissed them off over something. Don't even remember what it was now, but they loved to punish me over the smallest things. Most of the time they just beat me with things like belts and then rubbed either chili pepper or salt in my welts, but this time they got a bit more creative."

He snuggled in a little closer to Eren, and Eren in turn wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Taking in a deep breath, he kept going. "They strapped me down on an old table, which I mean I already couldn't move. But just to make sure, they gave me something that paralyzed me. I could see everything they were doing, I could still talk, but from the neck down I couldn't move. I couldn't stop them. I could just watch as they jammed needles in my neck, under my fingernails, or in my- my…"

Eren clenched his thighs together in sympathy. "It's okay, Levi. You don't have to say it. So…that's- um, that's why you're afraid of needles then."

"Pretty much. And when I first woke up, it took me a long while to realize that I could move. It was like my muscles were still paralyzed, and I could still feel the needles under my skin. It was-It was awful."

The boy was quiet for a moment, before he reached up and wrapped his other arm around Levi, pulling him into a hug. The older man stiffened for a moment, before he melted into it, allowing himself to hide his face against Eren's shoulder and take in the boy's comforting scent, even accepting the soft, hesitant kiss Eren placed against his hair.

"I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me," Eren murmured, "And I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know sorry doesn't make up for it, but, you know…"

"It's alright," Levi said, his words muffled against Eren's shoulder, "I'm just happy I got to tell someone that. Thank you so much for that, Eren."

"Anytime."

They sat together on the couch together for a long while, both of them watching t.v and commenting back and forth on the silly products these people though middle aged women needed to make their lives complete. Eren could tell immediately that Levi was feeling better after telling him his story, as the other man's body instantly began to unwind and the tension seemed to bleed out of him. He even settled his head on Eren's shoulder, and the boy felt a warmth rise up his throat at the action.

Levi felt his eyes gradually grow heavier and heavier, suddenly finding it too hard to respond to Eren's commentary, and then all of a sudden his eyes were snapping open to see that it was now past five in the morning, and that he was still on the couch, a pillow in the process of being placed under his head. He glanced up to see Eren placing his head gently back down onto it, before he began tucking the blanket around Levi's shoulders where it had begun to fall down. When he saw that the man's eyes were open, he smiled gently at him.

"Sorry for waking you up," he whispered, "Go back to sleep. I'm not going anywhere."

It was a testament to his exhaustion that he didn't question him, didn't order Eren to go back to his own, and simply murmured, "M'kay," before he shut his eyes again, and felt himself drifting off once more.

The last thing he felt was Eren climbing on the couch behind him and snuggling down beside him, before blackness flooded his consciousness and sleep dragged him down into its depths once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "protection."


	8. Erröten und Blut

Eren was roused slowly from a deep, restful sleep the next morning, and in his half-conscious mind he couldn't determine at first what had woken him. In fact, for a moment he even forgot where he was. He allowed his body to take in sensations without being awake enough to process the more complex ones, and the first thing he realized was that he was very warm. He didn't know why, however, not for a couple more minutes. The second thing he realized was that he was not in his room, for his bed was not nearly this firm, or leathery.

He finally opened his eyes partway, sleepy slits that roamed sluggishly back and forth across the room. It took him a moment to figure out that he was in the living room, and that he was on the couch. It took him another moment to flick his eyes up to the digital clock under the t.v to see that it was far past ten in the morning, edging more towards eleven. Why was it so late? Oh, right. He had been up for a long time last night with Levi.

And with that, he figured out why he was so warm. And what had woken him up. As his mind became more awake, he looked downwards to see that Levi was laying quite tightly against him, his head resting on a pillow which was resting against Eren's lap, his front half lying more on its side while his bottom half lay more on its back. Eren himself was curled up tightly so that his head was lying on Levi's stomach, and both of them were wrapped up in the thick blankets Eren had procured from their beds and the storage closets last night. As for what had woken him up, when the boy's ears opened up a bit more, he realized that Levi was snoring.

Eren found himself huffing a breath in amusement. He had never taken Levi for someone who snored, but he supposed everyone was liable to when all of their muscles relaxed, including the muscles in the throat, as they slept. Actually, suddenly Eren realized that he had never seen Levi asleep before. He was always awake before him, already dressed and ready for the day by the time Eren stumbled into the kitchen looking for breakfast. And he had said before the boy's arrival that he had rarely obtained more than two or three hours of sleep a night due to his anxiety and general insomnia. Eren felt like he was witnessing something rare, something only a lucky few got to see in their lifetime: a unicorn, a fairy, Levi asleep.

Despite how late it was, Levi was clearly still deep in sleep, and to Eren, he looked like a completely different creature. Gone were all the things that made him the man that Eren had come to know; the apathetic glare, the crude humor, the hard lines around his mouth and eyes. Now he looked so soft and young with that sleepy flush in his cheeks, his eyelashes dark and contrasting against his skin. He shifted slightly in his sleep, turning his bottom half over so that it too was on its side and Eren was forced to place his head in the slope of the man's waist. His snores grew quieter, until his breathing moved down deep into his belly. Like this, the boy could hear every sound passing through the man's body; his heart beating, the blood rushing through his veins, the breath leaving and entering his body, and every groan and gurgle his insides made. Every sound worked together to soothe Eren into a profound sense of relaxation, assuring him that the man he cared about was there and alive, that his heart was still beating for Eren.

Left to his own thoughts for the moment, Eren's mind began to wander down paths it never had the chance to go down before. His mind had been locked in survival mode for so long, so deeply buried in his basic instincts. All he had been able to concentrate on for ten years was how hungry he was, how his belly constantly clambered at him for sustenance, and in turn clawed at his courage, leaving him wondering when he would get his next meal, if we would at all. Or how thirsty he was and how painful it was to swallow, how every cell had screamed for water and he couldn't provide it. Or how cold and scared he was, shivering on his thin hospital bed in that basement in the total darkness, wishing desperately for warmth, for light, for a soft voice to comfort him and take away his pain. He remembered wishing for it every day, his childish heart believing that if he just wished hard enough, someone would come and save him. But eventually he had stopped wishing, his soul and body finally breaking, and just accepting that Nile would be his everything for as long as he lived.

But then he had escaped.

His mind had been so fuzzy by the lack of food, water and warmth, but Eren remembered most of that day. He remembered being chained to the leg of the bedpost in Nile's bedroom, one of the few times he'd been allowed upstairs. No one had been home, Nile having left him there for when he returned home from work, and his wife and children gone for the weekend at a relative's house. The heavy metal collar around his neck tethering him to the bed and handcuffs around his wrists weren't even the worst of his problems. Just a few hours prior, before Nile had left for work, Eren had slipped up and spoken without permission, merely asking when his next drink of water would be. So Nile said he'd give him some.

And then Eren had received an enema of boiling water.

Eren shuddered in the present, fighting down a whimper as he remembered the agony of the water going up his rectum and tearing away at his insides. He had tried fruitlessly to get away from it, but of course he couldn't escape from his own body. So he had been forced to writhe in pain by the bed, hands cuffed behind his back, Nile leaving after jerking off to the sound of Eren's cries and the sight of his contorted body.

After the water eventually leaked back out of his body, Eren had simply lain there, shaking with the pain and humiliation, too weak to try and make himself comfortable, knowing that it would be pointless. However, after a couple of hours in the same position, he did try shifting his arms, as they had begun to ache horribly.

And one of his hands shifted quite far out of the handcuffs.

Eren had gasped in realization, and then tugged a little harder, finding that his hand slipped out quite easily. Of course; he was so thin now that these handcuffs could hold him anymore, not like they could when he had been at a healthy weight. The instant he had pulled them off, he had managed to lift the bed up enough to slip the chain off from the leg of it until the chain hung around his neck. Once he was free, he immediately scrambled for the front door.

Nile was a paranoid man, and it showed with his front door, which was covered in many deadbolts and locks. Eren only struggled with them for a minute, hands shaking and sweating, breathing rapid both from his weakness and adrenaline. When he finally undid the last lock, he wasted no time bolting out the front door and taking off down the street, running as fast and far as he could.

He was just so relieved to be running free for the first time in a decade, that he didn't realize the problem with his plan. First of all, he was so emaciated that he knew he wouldn't be able to run for long. Two, he was stark naked, and it was the beginning of January. Three, he had nowhere to go. So, all he could really do was run until his strength ran out, then stumble around in a daze, until his body gave out and he collapsed. But honestly, Eren hadn't minded. His last coherent thoughts were that he didn't care if he died as long as he died free, on his own terms and not by Nile's.

And the next thing he remembered was waking up in the hospital, and soon after that, Levi was brought to him.

Eren smiled sadly as he recalled that first week with the older man. It was such a stark contrast to what he become accustomed to, so jarring that Eren had simply frozen up, too scared to move or touch anything or speak. He had heard what the adults around him told him, that they were there to help him, but his instincts just kept screaming at him that Levi would be just like Nile, that when Eren screwed up he would hurt him. But those were just the instincts born of the shadows of the boy's captivity. There was still a tiny, untainted part of Eren's heart that had wanted to trust Levi, had wanted so desperately to believe that the man would help him, would nurture him in every way Eren needed and wanted. And he had, time and time again Levi had done what that little patch of light in him expected and hoped for, and in doing so had begun to push out the shadows and allow the light in Eren's heart to grow and flourish.

Eren snuggled down a little deeper, curling up tighter around Levi as he gazed down at him fondly. Suddenly he could think of nothing but the older man, could think of nothing but his kindness and patience with Eren, of the warm meals he had given him and the laughter they had shared. He had given the boy so much that it was overwhelming, had poured so much care into Eren that his heart overflowed with it. His chest was now consistently warm and tingling with so many foreign feelings, feelings that he had never encountered before but didn't think he minded. They made the affection he felt for Levi increase tenfold, told him that he had to do whatever he could to return his offers of comfort and protection whenever he had the chance. That Levi was the most deserving, special person in Eren's small world, and he wanted to do whatever he could to help him as much as he was helping Eren.

Then, in the quiet winter morning, with the bright, new light of the sun shining over the both of them and bathing them in its cold, white glow, Levi shifted in his sleep, scooting forward slightly and nuzzling his nose further into his pillow. He stilled with a sigh, and Eren's eyes widened when he saw that one bare, pale shoulder had been revealed with his movements, and that some of that dark hair had shifted so that it was caressing his eyelids carelessly. Eren felt a sense of awe wash over him. Levi suddenly seemed to be lit from within, almost like a star come to Earth. And he was; a star just for Eren, and in that moment, just as ethereal, extraordinary…

…beautiful.

Eren felt the heat in his chest flood his face, and suddenly everything sharpened and became clearer. His thoughts about Levi settled into his mind, and wouldn't leave. They wouldn't leave because they made sense, and they felt so very _right._ Eren finding him beautiful, the tender affection he held for him, and the desire to make him happy felt right. Even the strange, tingling heat that filled his core as Levi shifted against him, sighing contentedly in his sleep, felt wonderful and blessedly welcome. He didn't know what these feelings were exactly or how long they were here to stay, but he silently asked that they stay as long as they were able, because he couldn't remember a time when he had felt this blissfully happy.

With that, he finally opted to shut off his brain for a bit, and simply enjoy the body heat of the other man that bled through the blankets and reached him, enjoy the sound of his heavy, even breathing, and enjoy the newfound giddiness that flooded his being at having Levi so close to him. He found himself resisting the urge to reach out and touch that bare shoulder, to see if it was as smooth as it looked. Instead, he pulled the blankets up until his shoulder was covered, and then found that his hand was very close to Levi's face. Eren's heart began to thump harder in his chest as he felt the heat from the man radiating against his sensitive fingertips, even from a few inches away. Once again, he dearly wanted to reach out and touch him, to see if that cheek was as warm and soft as it looked, to brush that hair out of his face and tuck it behind his ear.

But before he could act on that impulse, Levi began to stir, breathing in a way that clearly signaled he was waking up. Eren withdrew his hand and watched as he furrowed his brows, took a deep breath through his nose, and then finally, slowly, opened his eyes. The older man blinked slowly, owlishly for several moments, before the sleepy fog began to clear from his head, and he registered that there was another body behind him. He rolled his eyes down to regard Eren, and offered him a crooked smile.

"Morning brat," he greeted, and his rough morning voice was making Eren's stomach do flips.

"Hey," Eren answered back in an equally rough voice, "Sleep well?"

Levi rubbed at one of his eyes with the heel of his hand, and yawned hugely, "Yeah, I'd say so. Thanks again for last night."

The boy shrugged with one shoulder. "It was no problem. You help me all the time, so I want to help you too. Any time you need me, let me know."

Levi regarded him for a moment, processing his words, before he smiled again, a soft, tender smile that Eren found himself melting under. The feeling increased when the older man reached down and ruffled Eren's hair gently, saying, "You're a sweet kid, Eren. Thank you, I appreciate it."

Eren couldn't help but lean into the touch, his resulting blush as Levi's words his only reply.

Levi chose that minute to glance up at the clock. "Ah shit, Jesus, Eren. It's after eleven, why didn't you wake me up sooner? You're probably starving by now."

"Not really," the boy replied, "I just woke up a little before you did. Besides, you needed the sleep. And if I was hungry, I do know how to make a bowl of cereal. I even remember most days that the cereal goes in the bowl."

"You're a true prodigy, Eren," Levi said, finally shifting out from the curve of the boy's body and sitting up to stretch. The blanket fell away, and the boy found himself unable to look away, staring fascinatingly at the way his muscles flexed and shivered with the effort. However, the spell was ruined when Levi picked the blanket back up and covered up his shoulders with it again.

"Alright, I got first dibs on the bathroom," the older man told him, "Then it's yours. I'll have breakfast ready for you when you come out."

Eren nodded numbly, and sat up slowly, watching as Levi shuffled off down the hallway. The man didn't the see the giddy smile that had worked itself onto the boy's face.

000

_February 23_

_Eren really is something else._

_Every day, this kid continues to blow me away. He's gone from this starved ball of fear that flinched at every shadow to a ray of sunshine with so much energy that honestly I have trouble keeping up with him. Like, he has the energy of a five year old, not someone who's going to turn eighteen in a month. I guess he's just making up for lost time, and I don't blame him. I'm just happy that he's so happy._

_Honestly, I couldn't be prouder of him if I was his own father. His personality is coming out so much now; he's smart, brave, kind, stubborn, and can be the biggest pain in the ass when he feels like it. He's growing so confident, and learning so much, and I love how much he's willing to learn. Some of the kids I work with are unwilling to learn how to be functioning adults, but Eren's always enthusiastic about anything I have to teach him. He loves making food, for instance, and soon he'll be better than me at this rate. A lot of nights I find him in the kitchen making something for us, and more often than not he steals my laptop and I'll find him dancing around the stove to my music. He helps me haul in wood from outside for the woodstove, helps me shovel the driveway, helped Petra shovel hers, gets the mail every day, puts away groceries whenever I bring them home…whatever job I give him, he does with a smile on his face._

_Eren's still clingy as ever, but for some reason I still don't mind. I'm finding that he's been just as good for me as I've been for him. Since he's been around, I've finally been sleeping through the night, and I forgot how good it feels. How the hell did I function on two or three hours a night for fifteen years? Maybe it's because I've been sharing details of my own experience when I was in his situation. It's cathartic for us both; I get to get this shit off my chest I've been holding in, and Eren gets reassurance that he's not alone in his suffering. It all works out. Petra has been helping a lot too, to the point where Eren I think is ready to take the next step and reintegrate a bit back into society. We'll start small, of course. Planning on taking him to the grocery store today to get some things. I hope to be able to take him to this outdoor farmer's market in the spring and summer that I enjoy, it's very charming, and I think he'll like it. I told him they sell pumpkins in the fall too, and he got really excited for that, so I promised him we'd pick up a couple in October for him._

_Recently, Eren's behavior has shifted a bit. It's nothing bad, at least I don't think, but I don't know what to make of it. He acts nervous around me sometimes, stuttering, red face, unable to look me in the eye. Many times when I touch him, he gets so red that I asked him if he was feeling alright. He assured me he was. But I wonder. One day when I came out of the shower with just a towel on to tell him goodnight, I swear the kid looked like he was going to implode. I've done it before and he's never reacted like that. Guess I'll just have to keep a closer eye on him._

Just a couple hours after he had written that entry, Levi was on his way with Eren to the grocery store, the boy talking a mile a minute about anything and everything. Right now, the subject happened to be places Eren wanted to travel someday.

"You guys have a beach around here?" he wanted to know, "I've always wanted to go to one, my parents just never had the time to take me."

"Oh yeah, we have a couple," Levi said, "Well, not real beaches. They're by lakes, which means no salt and you'll probably find a dead carp washed up on shore rather than a jellyfish, which I'm more than fine with. The ocean is terrifying. Any body of water that's not a pool is terrifying."

"Can we go?" Eren asked excitedly, practically leaning over the console in his enthusiasm, "Please? I promise I'll protect you from all those vicious minnows and the killer seaweed patches."

"Listen brat," Levi grumbled, "I'm tolerant of a lot of gross things, but I draw the line at slimy fish and the water they shit in."

"Oh come on, don't be such a baby."

"Yeah, because calling me a baby is going to make me want to take you to where God stores his most demonic creations even more."

Eren rolled his eyes in exasperation, and then decided to resort to begging. "Please Levi? Please, pleeeease? What do I have to do to make you take me?"

Levi just snorted at the display, and said, "Oh calm down, I'll take you. This summer though, when we can walk down by the pier and make fun of all the rich assholes in their huge boats. And all the bathing suits people wear that they really shouldn't. Get ready to see things you can never unsee."

The boy wiggled excitedly in his seat. "I'm so ready. Thanks so much, you're the best!"

"I know, but you could stand to say it more."

"Can we go hiking too?" Eren asked, glancing out the window at the mountains in the distance, "I'll bet there are loads of cool trails around here."

Levi answered, "Yes, there are. Sure, we can go hiking too. Wherever you want, kid."

"Can we go"-

"Eren for the love of God."

The boy snickered, pleased with himself, and elated that he and Levi had so much to look forward to when the weather got warmer. However, the spring thaw this far north usually didn't kick in until April at the very earliest, although he remembered schools being closed because of snow in April before as well. Eren already looked like he was going to explode with anticipation.

Luckily, Levi had plenty of ways they would expend that excited energy in the meantime. They pulled into the parking lot at that moment and got out of the car. The parking lot itself was covered in slush and giant puddles, and Levi somehow managed to step in every single one, cursing all the way while Eren tried and failed to hold in his laughter. The glares he shot the boy only served to make him laugh harder. Luckily, soon they were inside the store, and right away they were greeted by a wave of heat, and people. Too many people, Levi figured, for Eren's first day in a public place. Of course it was busy, it was a Saturday, it was going to be packed, how could he have forgotten?

"I'm sorry, Eren," Levi apologized, turning towards him, "I forgot how many people would be in here today. Do you want to wait in the car?"

Eren gazed at the crowd, apprehensively at first, before he swallowed hard and stood up straighter. "No, I'll be okay. As long as you're with me, I've found I can do anything, you know? At least so far. This won't be any different."

Levi was taken aback for a moment at Eren's words, touched by how sweet and sincere they were. He nodded, and said, "Alright. But let me know if it becomes too much. I won't push you."

"I'll be fine," he insisted.

So they set off, Levi keeping a close eye on the boy the entire time, watching his body language and expressions for any signs that he was less than completely okay. He attempted to keep them in the sparsely populated aisles of the big store, or waiting until an aisle they wanted to go down became empty. After all, Levi remembered well the first few times he had gone back into normal society after he was rescued from his captivity, how disorientating and terrifying it had been. He remembered how he had unreasonably hated every single person he had come across, hated them because he was different from them now. None of them had gone through the level of trauma he had, and they never would. He had felt alone and untrusting, feeling as if every friendly face he came across was just a mask hiding a much uglier creature underneath. Facades and fear was all he had known for most of his life, and even now he still felt somewhat untrusting and nervous whenever he went out in public, and he was worried that Eren might be having similar thoughts. However, so far, the boy seemed to be mostly relaxed, his expression neutral sometimes and brightening other times when he asked Levi if they could get something that he really wanted. However, he did notice that Eren wasn't letting him out of his sight, running to catch up to him if Levi strayed more than a few feet away. He made the mistake of disappearing around a corner once without Eren's knowledge, and the panic on the boy's face when he found Levi again had him apologizing and promising he wouldn't do it again.

Soon, they had everything they needed and were heading to the checkout. It was at that moment that Levi paused, seeing how packed it was. Literally bumper to bumper, unable to move an inch from where they stood to the exit.

Before they got in line, he asked one more time, "Eren, will you be okay? Maybe you should wait by"-

"I'll be fine," Eren said, "How about you? Don't think I haven't been watching; you look nervous, Levi. All these people bother you too, don't they? I'm not leaving you alone."

Levi blinked at him, unsure what to say at first. He thought he had been hiding his nervousness very well. "I...I mean, yes, they do bother me, but I've gotten used to it. I've learned to function around the fear, and actually, today it's been better. Probably because I'm not alone this time."

He offered Eren a smile, which the boy returned with shining eyes, before he finished, "But I've also had a lot longer to learn how to cope than you have. I appreciate you wanting to stay for my sake, but this isn't about me, Eren. It's about what you're comfortable with. So what do you think?"

"I'm staying, Levi," he said resolutely, "I'll be fine."

The man eyed him dubiously, noticing the tight line of Eren's mouth and the tenseness of his jaw. But he wouldn't argue with him further, knowing this kid had a stubborn streak that rivaled his own. So, instead he relented with, "Okay. Just stay close."

"You don't have to worry about that," Eren told him, tucking himself against the man once they got into a line.

However, the moment Eren felt someone press against him in line from behind, he knew he wasn't going to be fine. He could feel his heart rate pick up, feel the inevitable leaking of adrenaline into his veins. He felt trapped, closed in, felt panic climbing up his throat and clouding his senses. Eren gritted his teeth and placed his share of the groceries on the conveyer belt, taking several deep breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth, and began trying to talk himself through the panic.

 _I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine,_ he chanted, _There's no danger, I'm not trapped, Levi's right here. He won't let anyone hurt me. I'm with him, I'm not there. I'm fine, I'm not trapped, we're going to be getting out of here in a few minutes. Levi needs me, I can't leave him, I have to be okay for his sake. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine…_

The panic stayed at a neutral level for a few minutes, before Eren heard and felt more people began to pack in behind them. He dared a look over his shoulder, and saw that they were indeed trapped with at least six people behind him, and in front, there were not only still people in line, but people crowding around the door as well. The aisle was so narrow too; no escape from the front, or the side, or behind. Eren felt a whimper leave him without his consent, causing Levi's head to whip around in alarm.

"Eren!" he hissed, seeing the barely restrained fear scrunching the boy's face, "Are you- shit, no, of course you're not okay. Alright, come on, you need to get out of here. Go towards the doors, wait for me outside. The cold air will clear your head, okay? It helps me, it'll help you too. Go on, kid."

But Eren wasn't hearing him. He had frozen up, senses becoming so overwhelmed that they had taken him out of the present and drowned his mind in the past. Soon, all he could see was Nile's house, the inside of that horrid closet he had been forced into for days at a time. All he could hear was his own frantic cries as he pounded on the door, wrestled with the knob that only locked from the outside. But his cries wouldn't last long, and soon he could feel his body withering away from lack of food and water, the smell of his own waste powerful in his nose. He could see a light, and he wanted to crawl towards it, to leave the suffering of this world behind, but Nile never let him have the chance, dragging him back from the brink each time. And that one time he had poured blood down Eren's throat, before taping his mouth shut, watching as the boy vomited harshly in response. However, the vomit had remained trapped in his mouth, causing Eren's panic and sickness to double. If he couldn't spit it out, what was he supposed to…?

"Swallow it," Nile had ordered.

And Eren had had no choice, swallowing back the blood and bile, but of course his contracting stomach would not allow something it deemed as poison back inside of it, and forced it back up. The boy had swallowed again, and once again up came the disgusting mixture. Eren had shuddered and felt himself begin to cry as some of the contents of his stomach dripped out of his nose, bile burning the delicate lining.

"Oh stop your pansy ass crying," Nile had scoffed, "You swallow my come, you can swallow my blood. You'll swallow whatever I have to offer you. You're mine, Eren."

But Eren would take the closet any day over the coffin Nile sometimes locked him in.

The man would gag him with a horse bit and tie his hands behind his back, before placing a few heavy pipes over the top of it, and leave him in there for twenty three hours a day. And Eren would be left to panic in the darkness on his own, blackness pressing in on him from all sides and rendering him unable to move, to breathe, to do anything but think about how he was going to die of the fear and scream, scream, scream…

…scream, scream…someone was screaming. Was it him? It sounded like him, and his throat felt raw like he had been. But he heard other people screaming too. Why would they be screaming?

"Eren! Eren, look at me! Come on kid, come back. It's me, Eren, I'm right here…"

That voice, he knew that voice. That voice was kindness and a rumbling woodstove, carrots and long talks into the night, snuggling and stars and beauty. That voice was warm meals and a shoulder to hide himself against, everything Eren wanted to protect, everything he aspired to be like someday.

That voice was _home._

The fog cleared slightly from Eren's vision, pushing the memories back, and when Eren looked down, he saw that he had collapsed to the floor, and that he was shaking horribly. His hands also hurt very badly, and when his blurry vision cleared a little more, he saw that they were smeared with blood. His own? Yes, it had to be. Reaching up, he touched his numb fingertips to his lips, feeling something sticky pulling the skin there. More blood, and more blood on his tongue, along his teeth. Why had he…?

"Eren!"

He flicked his eyes up to meet Levi's frantic grey ones, just inches from his own. He responded, his voice coming out cracked and destroyed. "Le-vi…how…"

"Shh, shh," he hushed him, pulling the boy against him. Eren let his head fall limply against the older man's shoulder, "It's going to be okay. Someone called an ambulance for you. It'll be alright. I'm right here. I won't leave you."

Eren shivered, a sudden feeling of cold sucking away at every scrap of warmth he possessed. His limbs were buzzing with a lack of feeling, and the center of his face was tingling as well. Blackness was welling up in his vision, threatening to drown him, and he didn't have the urge to fight it.

"Don' lea-e," the boy rasped. "Don't leave me. Levi…"

"I'm not leaving," Levi assured him, "I'm not leaving. I'll never leave you, Eren."

Eren breathed a sigh of relief, shutting his eyes. The last things he perceived before exhaustion stole him away was the warmth of Levi's body, the strong pressure of the man's arms around him, and the familiar, comforting scent of coconut pressed against his nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "blush and blood."


	9. Mein Herz ist Schwer

Levi was forced to sit in the waiting room of the hospital for forty five minutes while his stomach wrung itself into knot after knot. His leg was bouncing and wouldn't stop, and the anxiety buzzing around in his chest was steadily rising up his throat and threatening to choke him by the time he saw a familiar, comforting form sit down beside him.

"Hey sweetheart," she murmured, her eyes filled with concern, "Heard anything since I got off the phone with you?"

Levi shook his head somberly; he had followed the ambulance to the hospital and immediately called Petra, hastily filling her in on the situation, before she had told him that she would be there as soon as she could for them and asked him to keep her updated. He had then called her again once Eren was admitted and he had found out that he was going to need stitches for his hand. But there had been no word since. Every minute away from Eren, not knowing how he was or what was happening only made the anxious feelings squirming around in his gut increase until he felt dizzy. Petra, blessedly perceptive as she was, placed a hand over Levi's, the one resting on his bouncing leg, as if trying to still it. It did, after a moment, and instead he let out a shaky sigh.

"This is all my fault," Levi confessed morosely, "God, I'm such a piece of shit. Eren told us that Nile locked him up in a closet and a coffin for hours or days at a time. How could I have not known that he had claustrophobia? How could I have done this to him? I fucking hate myself, Petra. I hate myself so much…"

He trailed off, a lump forming in his throat, and he dug his fingers into his hair. But a sharp squeeze of his hand and a stern, "Hey" forced him to look at Petra, whose expression matched her tone. Her eyes were narrowed at him, and it surprised Levi greatly. He couldn't remember a time when she had looked this thoroughly irritated with anyone.

"Enough of that," she said firmly, looking him dead in the eye. "Don't you dare place all the blame on yourself. You didn't do this on a whim; after you asked Eren how he felt about going out, you asked Hanji and I if you thought this would be a good idea and we gave you the go ahead. At least let us share some of the blame with you."

"But," Levi tried, "I should have seen the signs. I should have been paying attention. I could tell Eren was uncomfortable, and I shouldn't have listened to him when he told me he'd be okay. I should have sent him outside no questions asked."

"Levi Ackerman," Petra all but growled, and that shut the man right up, forcing him instead to focus on what she was about to say, "You listen to me and you listen good. Eren has been my patient for almost two months, and in that time I've noticed many of the same things you have, namely that he is brave, sympathetic to those he cares about, and, to borrow one of your phrases, stubborn as a shit stain. Chances are good he didn't know any more than you did that he's afraid of small spaces until now, or that his fear would trigger this kind of attack in a public space. And even if he did, from what you told me, his concern for you surpassed his own fear by far."

"Exactly," the man reiterated, his shoulders slumping, "he didn't want to leave me. He pushed himself too hard, and I shouldn't have listened to him. I should have been more attentive to his needs and less concerned with my own. I'm so selfish, Petra."

Her eye twitched in response, before she really did growl this time. "Shut up. Just stop talking, please, Levi. I love you, but you're going to make me smack you. You don't get it, do you? You are the most unselfish person I know and you've demonstrated that to me for years. You've always been so attentive to your kids' needs, always so willing to put them first, even at the cost of your own wellbeing. You've sacrificed and sacrificed and suffered with a smile on your face for so long, and I haven't even been able to say anything because I know it wouldn't help. Or rather, I wasn't really sure how to help. _Me,_ a psychologist, didn't know the first thing to say to comfort you. Well, I knew what I had been trained to say, but I knew it wouldn't help you the way I'd want it to. I could only watch you hurting for years and pray that someone would come along that could help you in a way everyone else had been unable to."

She smiled softly, glancing down at their joined hands, before meeting his surprised gaze once again, her tone becoming gentler as she continued. "I'm beginning to see now that Eren is that person. Levi, I don't think you realize how much healing you still had left once you finished therapy and reintegrated yourself back into society. Don't think Erwin, Hanji and I don't notice the shadows under your eyes or how nervous you get when you're surrounded by too many people. You've learned how to fool a lot of people, but you can't fool us."

For the briefest of moments, Levi looked like he wanted to argue with her, but the impulse faded away in that same instant, the desire to argue drowned out by shame that they had noticed what he had been trying so hard to hide. Why did they have to noticed the one thing that he hated about himself: the fact that even though so many years had passed and he was now a grown man trying to fool himself into believing that his suffering had made him stronger and didn't affect him as much as he liked to believe. That deep down, he was still the same, scared, sniffling little brat that those men had made cry and beg for mercy in the Red Room all those years ago. That he was still weak, powerless, and afraid of the world.

But Petra kept speaking, telling him passionately, "And then Eren came along. You may not realize it, Levi, but that boy gave you something you desperately needed, and you probably didn't even realize you needed it. I see you guys all the time, and it's not hard for me to see that he's not just another one of your kids. He's helped you in a way therapy never could. While I love my profession dearly, I understand its limitations. There's a difference between knowing how to comfort someone because you've been trained in what to say and knowing how to comfort someone because you truly and irrevocably understand what they're going through. Your situations, your traumas, your experiences, are rare, and few people are going to know how to help you through them. But in Eren, you've found someone you could bond with for the first time since you were rescued, someone could form a close friendship with because he _gets you._ He's been there. And anyone with eyes can see that he cares deeply for you, to the point where he wants to put your needs above his own. When he looks at you, he sees what you see: someone who needs love, care and understanding. When he looks at you, he sees himself, and for the both of you, that's something very valuable and special."

Levi was at a loss for words after her speech, almost unable to even think clearly for a few minutes. He let Petra's words swirl around in his head, and once they finally processed, he found all he could do was close his eyes and bow his head, feeling tired and weak from the weight of the implications of her words. He had known Eren was special to him, and that the bond they shared was unique compared to all of the other kids he had worked with, but what Petra said made so much sense and felt so inexplicably right and made so much sense, that once the implications settled into his brain, they wouldn't leave. The thoughts and feelings her ideas invoked in him were too snug and cozy in their new homes, and he didn't have the energy to banish them from his mind.

Smiling gently, Petra took in his sagging shoulders and weary frame and let go of his hand, instead reaching up to massage the nape of his neck softly, staying silent. The appreciative sigh Levi let out as a result was not lost on her.

They remained in that comforting bubble for a few short, quiet minutes, before Hanji at last appeared through the doors that led to the back, and they were instantly on their feet, alertness and returning anxiety banishing all traces of exhaustion from their bodies. Levi nearly jogged up to Hanji, Petra followed close behind, worry tightening his features as he spoke to the doctor.

"How is he?" he implored quickly, "Is he okay? Is he in pain? Is he"-

"Levi, easy," Hanji halted his questions gently, her expression understanding, "Come in the back with me, it'll be a bit more private back there, and I'll update you."

Once they passed through the doors, she immediately assured him, "Eren's fine. He pulled through just fine. He managed a pretty deep bite into the base of his thumb though. Needed fifteen stiches to close it. Luckily he didn't damage anything important. But if he had hit the right tendon, he could have lost the use of his thumb."

Levi nearly stopped in the middle of the hallway in his shock as her words sunk in, but a nudge from Petra kept him going. It was then that he figured out that Hanji had stopped in front of an empty hospital room, and was facing them. Her expression was grim, and Levi felt a nauseous, sinking feeling in his stomach as he regarded her. When they stopped to stand in front her, she continued to speak.

"We had to administer the laughing gas again this time," she explained, "I feel bad; I think we instilled a permanent fear of hospitals and doctors in him during his last visit. As soon as he saw where he was, he started hyperventilating and…he, um"-

"He wet himself, didn't he," Levi guessed sadly, "He did during his episode at the store too. I've noticed whenever he gets really scared, that's when he seems to lose control of his bladder."

Hanji nodded stiffly in confirmation. "We gave him a pair of hospital pants so at least he isn't uncomfortable. I doubt he even realizes he did it."

"You could have gotten me," the man mentioned, irritation leaking into his voice, "I could have calmed him down so you didn't have to drug him."

"But would you have been able to stay with him while we stitched him up?" Hanji countered, "Would you have been able to sit there and watch the needle sliding in and out of his skin?"

Levi blanched at her words, feeling sick at the mere thought, and his silence was answer enough. The doctor regarded him kindly, and said, "I know you care about him very much, Levi, but you also have to take your own limits into consideration. Besides, the laughing gas helped. However, that was only one of the things I wanted to tell you before I bring you to Eren's room. The other is that Erwin is on his way here."

Levi blinked at her in shock, while Petra asked, "What for? I mean, must be important if he's willing to make the hour drive out here."

Hanji answered in response to her question, "I'm not entirely sure. He said it had to do with what happened to Eren today. I called him and told him about it as soon as I was able, and then he said he'd be heading over, and that he had something important he had to discuss with all of us. He said Eren should be a part of it too, when he wakes up."

The sick, nervous feeling was back in Levi's stomach again, filling it with knots and nausea. Erwin did usually make it a point to meet with every single one of the kids in the Wings of Freedom program at least once, but usually had a difficult time doing so because he lived so far away. So for him to drive out here on such short notice, and with what he had told Hanji, didn't exactly bode well in Levi's mind.

"Speaking of Eren waking up," Hanji interrupted Levi's morbid thoughts, "He should be doing that soon. Although he'll probably be woozy for a while, so take it easy with him. But you'll be able to take him home tonight, probably after Erwin is done with us."

"Alright," Levi said shortly, "We'll worry about him later. Show us where Eren is. I don't want him waking up alone."

The doctor couldn't help the smile that spread across her face at his words. "He's in one sixteen, only patient in there right now. You guys go ahead, I'll get his paperwork together for when Erwin gets here."

"Thanks Hanji," Petra said over her shoulder, forced to do so because Levi had already practically sprinted out of the room and she had no choice but to run after him.

They reached Eren's room in no time, and Levi didn't hesitate to cross the threshold. It didn't take him long to find the boy, who was, as Hanji had said, just beginning to stir. His eyelids were fluttering and he moaned softly, hearing their footsteps and trying to push his way through the thick fog that the laughing gas had left in his head back to consciousness. He finally managed to open his eyes with a herculean effort, but barely processed what he was seeing at first. Eren groaned, long and low, a sound heavy with lingering pain, confusion, and anxiety.

Levi was by his side in an instant, brushing his hair out of his face and murmuring, "Hey, Eren, it's okay. It's just us. It's alright now."

The boy attempted to sit up, though he only managed to prop himself up on his elbow, his head hanging heavily. His lips were also moving, but no sound came out at first. Then, Levi heard him utter something, but it was so slurred that it took a few repetitions before he realized that Eren was saying his name.

"…vi," he muttered, his voice extremely hoarse, "Le-vi, 'mere."

The man understood after a moment that Eren wanted him to come closer, so he sat down on the edge of the bed. Eren didn't hesitate to lay down again, collapsing gently and hauling himself forward so that he could put his head in Levi's lap. He placed a hand on his thigh, gripping it lightly to hold him in place, and shut his eyes again.

"Keep petting me," the boy ordered drowsily, noting that Levi's hand was now hovering in the air over Eren's head. With a fond smile, Levi did so, gently tugging through knots and tangles in his hair. That familiar warmth he had come to associate with Eren was soon back, settling snuggly in his stomach and replacing the anxiety that had been present there ever since this whole mess had started in the store. It only grew when Eren nuzzled his face against his lap, sighing contentedly.

"…'ont leave," Eren mumbled, "Said you wouldn't leave…"

"I'm not leaving," Levi assured him, "I'm staying right here."

The boy settled down after that, falling into a light sleep, and then Levi's gaze was drawn to the movement of Petra pulling up a chair to sit next to them on the bed. She had a knowing smile on her face, and Levi raised an eyebrow at her.

"What?" he questioned.

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing. You're both just proving my point from earlier. I don't think I've ever seen you this relaxed in a medical setting before."

He looked away from her, dropping his gaze back down towards Eren. "Well, he needs me."

"Exactly. You're so focused on him that you put your own fears in the background. And he does the same for you. In fact, I'm convinced if he was placed with anyone else he wouldn't be healing nearly as well as he is. For his sake, and yours, I'm glad he's with you."

"I agree. I knew it would be a wise choice in the end."

The both of them lifted their heads to stare at the doorway upon hearing the new voice. Eren also jolted awake, internal alarm forcing the sleepiness violently from his system and instead screaming at him that there was a new threat in the room. A voice, a male voice he didn't know. In his confused mind he thought that the owner of the voice most likely wanted to harm him, and in his weakened state, he wouldn't be able to fight him off. Whining anxiously, he scrambled to sit up, Levi watching his actions with concern. He was forced to crane his head around to look behind him as Eren scooted rapidly to hide behind Levi, where he ducked his head to hide his face in the nape of the man's neck and gripped his sleeve. Petra reached over to rub his back comfortingly when he began trembling, while both she and Levi regarded the newcomer in the room, Hanji following close behind him.

"Hey, Erwin," she greeted, "I was wondering when you'd get here."

"Yeah, luckily traffic wasn't too bad," Erwin assured her, "And then Hanji took me right back." He leaned down to get a closer look at the boy cowering behind Levi, though not too close, seeing his obvious fear, and said softly, "It's good to see he's grown so close to you, Levi. Considering how bad he was when he was first admitted, I'm glad you were able to get him to come out of his shell. And both Hanji and Petra say he's been doing very well."

"He deserves it," Levi agreed, turning his head to look over his shoulder. He nudged Eren gently with his elbow, and said soothingly, "Hey, it's okay Eren. It's just Erwin. He won't bite."

Eren's instincts at first were commanding him to keep himself hidden against Levi, where he knew it was safe. But his heart, where his trust in the man he cared for so deeply resided, was also telling him that Levi would never lie to him, would never place Eren in harm's way. So, slowly, he eventually lifted his head to look at Erwin, but his grip on Levi's sleeve remained. Cautiously, he met the other man's gaze, and he eased slightly when he saw that Erwin was regarding him kindly, a smile on his face.

"It's nice to meet you Eren," he said, "I wish it were under better circumstances though."

After a moment, Eren fought through his shyness to answer back, "Mmm, yeah."

"So though I probably know the answer, it can't hurt to hear it from you," Erwin told him, "You are happy living with Levi? So far I've had everyone else's word that you are except for yours."

That question he didn't hesitate to answer, bobbing his head eagerly in a nod. "Yes sir. Levi's helped me so much in so many ways that I can't even begin to explain. And I…I don't even want to imagine where I might be right now if it weren't for him."

"Glad to hear it," Erwin said, his smile growing just the slightest bit wider.

"You know," Levi told Eren, "Erwin is the one who suggested that I take your case, versus the other members of the Wings of Freedom."

When Eren's eyes widened, Erwin explained, "Because your past circumstances are so similar to Levi's. I don't know how much he's told you about his own experiences, but from what he's told me, I believed he'd be the perfect person to help you. And I'm glad to see I was right."

A feeling of tenderness washed over Eren at those words, and he ducked his head to hide his blushing face back in the nape of Levi's neck. Clearly Erwin had no idea just _how_ happy the older man made him. Unknown to Eren, Levi also felt a mutual swell of tenderness towards the boy filling his chest, softening his features and prompting a small smile from him as he turned his head slightly towards Eren. Feeling the younger man's warm breath against the back of his neck, feeling him snuggle trustingly against him and grope for his hand, made Levi feel much more optimistic about the future. This afternoon had only been a setback, one would they would deal with and then move on. He had his Eren back, and he knew Eren believed that as long as Levi was there, he could and would accomplish anything.

"That's why it pains me so much to tell you guys this," Erwin said somberly.

Levi and Petra stared at him expectantly, and Levi felt Eren's eyelashes brush against his neck as he lifted his head to meet Erwin's eyes as well. Ominous dread filled Levi's stomach, pushing out the warm feeling that had resided in it only moments before, especially when he saw that Erwin was staring fixedly at Eren's bandaged left hand.

"I spoke a bit with Hanji over the phone, and read her report of the incident when I got here," he began slowly, "And unfortunately it got us thinking. Levi, you said Eren had some sort of flashback in the store, which prompted him to start screaming, before he went and bit his hand?"

"Yes," Levi confirmed. He felt Eren grip his hand a little tighter and shrink a little further against his body.

"And according to Hanji, he bit himself hard enough not just to draw blood, but to break through a layer of muscle and almost hit bone."

The doctor behind him was absolutely still, refusing to meet their eyes.

"So he has PTSD," Levi said impatiently, "I know this. Most of the kids I've had had PTSD. We helped them deal with it, we'll help Eren too."

Erwin pointed out, "But those kids with PTSD didn't hurt themselves during their flashbacks. Eren did. He hurt himself severely, and with intent."

"I won't let it happen again." Levi didn't like where this conversation was going at all, and dearly wished Erwin would shut up.

"You know you can't promise that," the other man told him, "Believe me, I wish you could. But Levi, in light of these facts, it might be time to consider that the Wings of Freedom may be too ill equipped to provide the kind of care Eren needs. He might be better off at Hutchings."

Levi heard Eren give a horrified gasp behind him the instant he felt a cold chill flood through his veins. Erwin, send Eren to the psych ward? Take the boy away from him? It was an eight hour drive to Hutchings; it's not like if Eren was sent there, Levi would be able to visit him every day, or even every weekend. And the thought of his boy, his gentle, anxious Eren, who had grown so dependent on Levi, who panicked when the man disappeared from his sight for even a moment, who just a few minutes ago was begging Levi to stay with him…it was too much to bear. Eren had so much he wanted to do this summer, so many places he wanted to explore, and he had been so excited when he asked Levi if he could go, and if he were sent away, he wouldn't be able to go to any of them. And, the man thought selfishly, Petra was right; he had finally found someone he could bond with, someone whom he had come to depend on emotionally, someone who eased his fears and made it so he could sleep through the night. Eren allowed him to not just survive through the day, but enjoy it. He was enjoying life again, and he was healing, really healing, and happier than he could remember being in years. Eren gave him something to protect and take care of, and someone who in return wanted to protect and take care of him. The thought of going back to those lonely, dark nights where every sound sent him into a blind panic nearly sent him into a panic attack on the spot. And the thought of sending Eren, his nervous, fragile boy, who flinched at every loud noise and needed constant physical and emotional reassurance and affection, to a psych ward full of screaming patients and uncaring staff members made him sick to think about.

Eren seemed to be having similar thoughts, because he could hear his breaths becoming more rapid and high pitched as terror, emphatic and unyielding, gripped him solidly. He squeezed Levi's hand in a death grip, and began begging in a breathless voice, "Please no, please don't let him send me away. Levi I can't, I can't, I don't want to go, I don't want to leave you…"

"You're not going anywhere, Eren," he assured him softly, twisting around and pulling the boy against his chest in a comforting embrace. Eren squeezed him around the waist tightly, limbs strengthened by the adrenaline flooding through them. He hid his face in Levi's shoulder, though his terrified rambling didn't stop.

"I don't want to go," he repeated, clutching the back of Levi's hoodie, "I don't want to go. I can't leave you, I can't."

"Shhhh," Levi hushed him, running a hand up through Eren's hair, before he glared up at Erwin.

"Don't promise him that, Levi," the other man said, "You know you might not be able to keep it."

"I damn well will," Levi growled at him, "Who the hell do you think you are, Erwin? You can't just say one minute that Eren's perfectly fine where he is and then threaten to send him away the next. I've already said to Petra, this is my fault, not his. I pushed Eren when I should have known he wouldn't be ready. I'll take the blame. Take this out on me, alright? Be mad at me, but leave him alone."

"I'm not taking anything out on him," Erwin corrected him, "And I think you're letting your affection for Eren cloud your judgement about what's best for him."

Levi bared his teeth in a snarl, holding Eren against him even tighter, the boy's panicking breaths prompting a swell of protectiveness that surprised even him with its ferocity. "Now you fucking listen to me"-

"Levi, hold on," Petra silenced him with a soft hand on his shoulder, and he closed his mouth reluctantly, instead focusing on trying to calm Eren down. She in turn turned her attention on Erwin and Hanji, who were now looking at her expectantly.

"Erwin, I understand your concerns," she began levelly, "But you placed Eren with Levi for a reason, like you said. I think it would be detrimental to his health and quite frankly very cruel to remove him from a place he considers a home and to place him somewhere he can't get the care and attention that's clearly helping him to recover."

"Is that your professional opinion?" Hanji wondered from the background, "Or are you speaking as Levi's friend right now?"

Petra was taken aback for a moment, before she narrowed her eyes, and said, "You want my opinion as Eren's therapist? Fine. I understand completely what happened today. Eren committed self-harm as a result of extreme stress brought on by a flashback. Now Hanji, you know as well as I do that Levi asked us and Eren if he thought he thought he'd be okay going out in public, and we gave him the go ahead based on our professional opinions. So we all share part of the blame. Or perhaps there is no blame to go around. I think this was just an accident that no one could have predicted."

"One that could have ended a lot worse for Eren if he had say, bitten through his wrist," Erwin pointed out.

"Yes, that's true," Petra agreed, "But I believe Eren hurt himself as a result of extreme stress, not because he actually wanted to hurt himself, if that makes sense. It was a sort of coping mechanism. Instead of lashing out at others, he lashed out at himself. Though this is an extreme situation, I don't believe it requires an extreme solution like the one you're proposing."

"Then what do you propose?" Erwin asked.

"Keep him where he is. You two should understand this better than anyone, but because of the trauma he endured, Eren is extremely slow to trust and open up to strangers. He's only doing as well as he is because Levi, Hanji and I have put so many hours into getting him to trust us, and he's beginning to thrive as a result. You take him out of that environment and put him in a new one, he'll have to start the process all over again. He may even revert back to the way he was when we first met him. It's only going to hurt him, Erwin, if he's forced to acclimate himself to new environments constantly. And I highly doubt he's going to find someone in Hutchings or anywhere else that he trusts as much as he does Levi. I propose that he keeps staying with Levi, and we increase the intensity of his therapy sessions with me. Now that we know more about what his problems are, we can treat him more accurately."

There was a moment of quiet as everyone processed her words, before Erwin sighed and asked, "Hanji, what do you think?"

The doctor chose her words carefully as she eventually answered, "Well, I do agree with Petra in that I think Eren might relapse if he were taken out of the environment and away from the people he's become accustomed to. But we can't ignore the fact that Eren did hurt himself, regardless of the reasons, and in my experience and I'm sure yours Petra, people with healthy minds don't usually hurt themselves, and especially not to the extent that Eren did. Because of that, we may have to concede the fact that Hutchings may be better equipped to help him than you or I, or even Levi, can."

Petra pursed her lips as she thought of a response, and Levi waited with bated breath, knowing very well what she said next could decide Eren's fate. And if Eren were taken away from him…he squeezed his eyes shut, and buried his nose in the boy's hair, taking a deep, calming breath to steady himself.

"How about this?" she finally proposed, "Give Eren one more chance. We increase his therapy, increase his hospital visits, and Levi monitors him more closely. We back up a couple of steps and take things a little more slowly. We increase the intensity of his recovery program, and see how he does. If this happens again, I promise then we'll…we'll have him admitted to Hutchings without question."

She looked between Erwin and Hanji, who in turn regarded each other silently, a wordless conversation clearly taking place between the two of them. At last, Erwin said, "Alright."

Levi and Petra let out twin sighs of relief, before the other man continued, "I think that sounds reasonable. After all, if anyone can help Eren recover, it's Levi. He's the organization's strongest for a reason."

"And are we just here for the tits?" Hanji wondered, glaring at Erwin playfully and gesturing between herself and Petra.

"Don't worry, I'll let you help," Levi assured her sarcastically.

"Just remember," Erwin told them, "You only get one more chance, and I think you're lucky you're getting even that. Make sure you use it wisely. But I'd much rather Eren stay with us than have to go to a psych ward, believe me."

"Thank you guys," Levi breathed gratefully, eyeing each of them. They didn't answer him verbally, but Petra did pat his knee and offer him a smile, while Hanji and Erwin offered him smiles of their own.

"Alright, that's settled then," Hanji declared, "How about you two come with me while I get Eren's release paperwork started and we can draft out a plan to help him while we're there? Levi, you stay with Eren and calm him down. You should be able to take him home in a couple hours."

"Thanks, Hanji," he told her again, and watched as the three of them left the room.

There was a beat of silence where Levi collected his thoughts, and buried his nose back into Eren's hair, releasing a sigh of relief that warmed the boy's scalp. It took him a moment to calm his own racing heart, to wrestle it into submission and stop it from trying to beat its way out of his chest. He tried to think about anything but how close he had come to losing Eren, focusing instead on how warm and solid the boy's body was in his arms.

"Levi?"

The older man glanced down at the bright green eyes that were looking deeply into his, and answered, "Yeah?"

Eren's gaze went gentle and he placed a warm, reassuring hand on the side of Levi's face, telling him, "Don't worry. We're going home together. I'm still right here with you."

Levi blinked at him, before his lips curved into a grin. "How in the hell did you know that's just what I needed to hear right now?"

"Because I needed to hear it too," Eren replied simply, and he settled his head back against Levi's shoulder, sighing happily.

The older man had no idea what to say to that, so instead he let the relief and happiness rising up inside him do the talking for him. He bent his neck far enough so that he could place a soft kiss in Eren's hair, before pulling the hospital blankets up and wrapping them around the both of them. He allowed their heartbeats to slow until they were in sync with each other, and they, the warmth of the other's body, and the sound of their breathing, was all they could perceive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "my heart is heavy." In case anyone is curious, the crimes perpetuated by Nile and the men who held Levi captive are based on real crimes committed by serial killers a psychopaths. For Eren, I mostly took inspiration from what Theresa Knorr and David Parker Ray did to their victims. For Levi, Leonard Lake and Charles Ng, and a bit of David Parker Ray too, were the inspiration for his captors. All of them were very nasty, disturbed people, but if that sort of stuff fascinates you like it does me, I'd say check them out. :)


	10. Versprechen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I just wanted to warn you guys that there's some pretty nasty stuff going on in this chapter, mostly in the second half. So if you want to skip that part, then go ahead. Enjoy!

The next morning found Levi standing in front of the window in his kitchen that sat above the sink, dressed in sweats, slippers and that one hoodie that was far too big for him and yet he kept wearing anyway. He was watching the snow fall silently, admiring how completely white the world was outside: white ground, white sky, and white trees. It made everything so wonderfully quiet, all sound muffled by the snow outside, and that spell seemed to work its way inside the house as well just by looking at it. However, looking at the snow outside made him feel cold as well, hence the mug of tea he was occasionally sipping from. The steam was doing wonders at heating up his cold nose, and the tea itself was doing a great job at heating him up from the inside out, pooling in his gut and warming his core. It was still very early in the morning, the sun's light feeling fresh and still too weak to permeate through the thick snow clouds sitting so low in the sky.

Levi hadn't slept well at all last night.

A few moments later, he heard the groggy, uneven shuffling of feet moseying their way down the hall and into the kitchen, and a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. He didn't turn around. Instead, he just felt Eren come up behind him and place his head on top of Levi's before crossing his arms around the older man's shoulders, pressing his front against Levi's back, and laying his hands in front of his chest with a drawn out groan.

After a moment of silence in which Levi processed the new position he was now in, he tilted his head up slightly, as if to attempt to look Eren in the eye, and said flatly, "Can I help you?"

His response was a grunt and a huge yawn. He tried again. "I'm going to need you to use your big boy words, kid."

Eren sighed irritably and nuzzled his nose into Levi's hair. "Piss off."

Levi snorted in amusement. "No not those ones. Guessing since you're up so early means you didn't sleep well either."

"Mm mm," Eren grunted a negative, "Feel like shit. My head hurts really bad. It started last night and I thought it would go away by this morning."

"Probably a leftover stress headache from yesterday's fiasco," Levi guessed, "I'm sorry Eren. Take a hot shower, let the water beat on your head. Then try and nap today. We'll keep a hot towel over your eyes and close all the shades in your room. Sound good?"

"Mhmm," the boy hummed. But he didn't release Levi right away. If anything, his grip tightened, and Levi felt him take a few deep breaths against his scalp, as if Eren were breathing in his scent. The boy then admitted in a quiet, rough voice, "The headache was only part of the reason I couldn't sleep. I think I got it from how scared I got after Erwin said I might be taken away. It was all I could think about last night, and I kept having bad dream after bad dream that I was stuck in Hutchings, and I was running down the hallways of the place calling for you, but I couldn't find you. I checked every room, every staircase and elevator, but you weren't there. It was…I…"

He trailed off, and Levi lightly clasped his non-bandaged hand in consolation, offering a confession. "That kept me awake too, the fear of you being sent away. Trust me, I'm going to send a very profanity laced email to Erwin later."

He turned around, facing Eren for the first time that morning, and saw that he indeed looked as awful as he felt. His eyes were bloodshot, and his hair was sticking up in every direction. His face was twisted in a grimace, and his eyes were only opened into slits. Realizing the light, weak as it was, was probably hurting his eyes, Levi tried his best to block it, even though he was almost a half a head shorter than Eren, and in truth probably didn't help as much as he wanted to. So, he wasted no time in carefully pulling the boy into an embrace and guiding his head down onto his shoulder. Eren set his chin onto it, moaning in pain and leaning his head against Levi's, who in turn leaned his head against Eren's.

"Listen to me," Levi said seriously, his voice no more than a murmur in the quiet of the kitchen, "I already told you once, but I'll say it again: you're not going anywhere. I'm not letting anyone take you away from me, even if I lose my job for it. Like it or not, you're stuck with me."

"I wouldn't want you to lose your job for me," Eren protested.

"It'd be worth it," the older man said, "I've spent time in a psych ward, Eren, when I was first rescued. Not Hutchings, but the same principle applies across the board as a rule for these places. And while it wasn't the most horrible place in the world, I'd still like to keep you out of there if I could. Especially if you'd rather stay here."

Eren wondered curiously, "What did you need to go to a psych ward for?"

"For the opposite problem you have, actually," he answered, "Instead of lashing out at myself, I was a danger to others. I was just so angry at the world, for what it had allowed to happen to me. I'm much better now of course, but sometimes I'll still get the itch to punch someone out."

He hugged the boy a little tighter, and added, "And Eren, if I can improve, you can too. You're not going to do this alone."

"But what if I can't?" Eren fretted, "What if I can't get better, or what if I get worse? I can't exactly control these flashbacks, Levi. I'm so scared that I'm going to slip up and be triggered by something I didn't even know I was afraid of. If that happened, I'd…God"-

"Eren, stop," Levi soothed, "You're worrying about things that haven't happened yet, that most likely won't. You're going to make your headache worse. Now listen, I'm going to make a promise right now to you: I promise that I'll do everything in my power to help you get better, and I promise no matter what, I won't let anyone take you away from here as long as it's your desire to stay."

After taking a moment to absorb Levi's words, Eren asked shakily, "You promise?"

"Yes," Levi assured him, "With all my heart, on whatever you hold dear. I promise to do whatever it takes to keep you here with me."

Eren blinked back tears that were threatening overflow, though whether they were from relief or overwhelming gratitude he didn't know. Probably both. He nuzzled his nose into the skin of Levi's neck, murmuring, "Thank you."

"Don't worry about it, Eren. Alright now, let's worry about the rest of this another day, shall we? Let's get you soaking in a hot shower."

The boy offered no argument, allowing himself to be shepherded into the bathroom and just sitting on top of the closed toilet as he watched Levi set up the shower for him, keeping the lights low. When the water was running and warming up, he gave Eren the go ahead to get in, and the boy did so, watching as Levi left before he undressed and stepped in.

He must have been in the shower for close to an hour before he got out, and barely wasted any time drying his hair, throwing on his clothes haphazardly, thinking of nothing but climbing into bed and sleeping away the throbbing pain emanating from the very core of his brain. At hearing him get out, Levi was soon right there with a warm, wet towel, escorting Eren into his room. The boy gratefully flopped down onto his bed, curling up in the thick blankets. Levi sat down beside him, placing the towel over his eyes, adding an extra layer of soothing darkness and warmth.

"Thank you," Eren said softly.

"It's what I'm here for," the older man told him matter of factly, running his fingers through Eren's hair a couple times, before pulling his hand away and saying, "Okay, I'll leave you to nap."

"Mmm, no," Eren mumbled, "That felt good. Stay? Please? Just until I fall asleep?"

Levi didn't even try to deny him, simply replying, "Sure," and Eren could hear the quiet smile in his voice. He felt the older man lay down carefully beside him, shifting around as gingerly as he could so as not to jostle Eren's head too much, before he found a comfy place in the mattress and relaxed. He continued his ministrations in Eren's hair, running his fingers through the wet strands over and over again, slowly, rhythmically. The boy sighed happily, tiredly, scooting a little closer towards him and rolling over so that he faced Levi, and brought his legs forward towards Levi's so that they touched, the contact comforting even if Levi was lying on top of the blankets. The older man watched as Eren stilled, before the boy's breathing gradually evened out and deepened into sleep.

Levi simply lay there for a minute, listening to the sound of the snow pattering against the window and Eren's heavy breathing. The sounds, as well as the darkness of the room and his own exhaustion, were working to persuade him to join Eren in sleep. His eyes grew heavier and heavier until it was far too much work to keep them open anymore, and they shut. He kept running his fingers through Eren's hair for as long as he could, until that too became too much effort and his hand stilled, fingers remaining tangled in Eren's hair. His thoughts became slow and syrupy, halting as his consciousness faded away. His last thought he remembered clearly though, even as sleep closed over his head, and that was him wondering what was wrong with him He'd never consider sacrificing his job for any of his other kids before. He loved his other kids, but he would have conceded sending them to a place like Hutchings if it meant if was in their better interest, recognizing the limits of the help he could offer them. But the thought of Eren leaving prompted in him the same surge of adrenaline and cold chills he got when confronted with a needle, and he had no idea why. Why Eren? Why did the boy incite such potent, wildly different feelings in him of both fear and happiness, protectiveness and pride?

What on Earth was this boy doing to him?

000

"I think it's time I tell you guys about some of the worst things that happened to me while Nile had me."

Eren fidgeted on the couch in front of Petra's woodstove with Levi beside him a few days later, there for the second time that week. In keeping with her word to Erwin, Petra had increased their sessions from once a week to three times a week, hoping in time they would see better results. This was actually in and of itself a bit of a breakthrough, since Eren didn't really go into detail during his sessions, often giving vague summaries of the things Nile put him through. He thought if he distanced himself from the memories, they might fade in time, but evidently that didn't seem to be the case.

Their answer came as to why he was having this sudden change of heart when Eren explained, "I want to get better. When Erwin said I could be sent away…I haven't felt this scared since Nile shut me in his basement that first day. I know that sounds ridiculous, but…"

"It's not," Petra assured him, "It's sad, but at the same time, I'm glad you found such a good motivator for trying to get yourself well again. I'm sure Levi has already told you that he's going to do everything in his power to make sure you don't have to go to Hutchings, and I'm going to do the same. It's not going to be easy, but you're a tough kid, Eren. If anyone can pull this off, it's you."

The boy shrugged uncertainly, lowering his gaze as Petra continued, "But at the same time, I don't want you to push yourself. If you genuinely don't think you can share something with us, then don't until you feel you're ready, if you are at all."

"And Eren," Levi added, "If you're not making as much progress as fast as you'd like, don't get too upset with yourself. Don't try and bully yourself into healing, because it's not going to work. Take it from someone who knows, PTSD is not one of those mental illnesses that exactly has a be all end all cure. It's more something you learn to live with, a little demon that becomes your constant companion. You learn what makes that demon tick; what makes him act up, what calms him down, when he's going to strike, and when he's going to leave you alone for a while. So really I don't think it's about getting rid of your PTSD, because I'm not going to bullshit you, it's not ever going to fully go away. Mine hasn't. But if I've learned anything, if there is any kind of cure, it's time. The more time passes, the more the memories begin to fade, and the more chances you're given to learn how to deal with the new demons in your life. And the best part is, you're not going to be doing it alone. Petra and I will be right here with you every step of the way. And knowing someone is with you to help you through this, knowing someone is going to be there to comfort you and pull you out of your flashbacks, makes dealing with them a whole hell of a lot easier."

Levi wouldn't admit to Eren that that last part was something he had only discovered recently since the boy had come to live with him. But he supposed it didn't matter anyway; Eren relaxed marginally in his seat at his words, relieved both at the fact that Levi had given him the straight facts without trying to sugar coat it so he'd know exactly what to expect, and the fact that there was in fact hope for him.

"Levi's right," Petra said with a smile, "And also, I've found with kids that come to me with PTSD, the more good experiences they can have in their lives, the more those good memories seem to help to drown out the bad ones and make them easier to deal with. We have to work on making your good memories louder and more overpowering than the bad ones. Make you so happy that there's no room for fear, and it won't hold as much power over you. Like he said, there's no complete cure for PTSD, but I believe these things will help you enough so that you don't have to go to Hutchings."

"I'll do it," Eren agreed emphatically, "Whatever you guys want."

"Just you watch, brat," Levi promised him with a grin, "We'll have so much fun this spring and summer that there will be moments when you'll forget Nile's goddamn name. How does that sound?"

"Incredible," the boy gasped, a lump forming in his throat at the heavenly thought, "I…okay. Yes, I want that. More than anything. So I guess to start, like I said, I just want to get everything out in the open. I feel like the more I repress these memories, the more vivid they're going to get and the more they're going to torment me. I think I'd feel better if someone else knew. But I'll just tell you guys a couple things today."

"Whatever you want or don't want to," Petra reminded him, and Levi nodded.

"Okay," Eren repeated, "Okay. I guess I can start with my, um…incontinence. I'm pretty sure I know what Nile did to make me like this."

Levi placed a supportive hand on Eren's back, silently letting him know that he could start whenever he felt like it, and Petra gave him an encouraging nod. Eren licked his lips and swallowed, scooting a little closer to Levi, not that they could get much closer to each other without him being in the older man's lap, and by the end of this session he wouldn't be surprised if that's where he ended up. Nonetheless, he summoned his courage, reminding himself of the consequences if he failed to improve, recalling his dream where he had run up and down the hallways of a psych ward calling out Levi's name over and over again, and receiving no answer but his own echo. He focused on how terrified and hopeless he had felt, and used those feelings to fuel him as he launched into his tale.

_By the time Eren was fifteen, he had forgotten many things: what it felt like to be warm, or to have a full stomach, or the feeling of clothes on his skin. He had forgotten what his own normal speaking voice sounded like, or what it was like to not have his lower body aching constantly. He had forgotten how soft a real bed felt, what the sky looked like, and how warm dignity felt._

_And now, he was about to forget a little more._

" _You've lost your toilet privileges," Nile told him one morning. Eren remained silent, as he was expected to be, especially naked and his wrists chained to a pipe as he was, ankles chained as well. The weight was as familiar anymore as breathing was. The man prompted him, "Go ahead, ask me why."_

" _Why, master?" the boy mumbled quietly._

" _Because a little cock slut who turns honest, straight men gay doesn't deserve a toilet," he explained, "You'll use the bucket all the time now. And you better not make a mess, or you'll be cleaning it up with your tongue, got it?"_

" _I-I, but I, I couldn't…"_

" _You better. Now come on, you said you had to go, didn't you?"_

_He held up a bucket, situating it so that he held Eren's penis over the rim, and waited expectantly. Eren shuddered. He knew he shouldn't be disgusted, shouldn't have any dignity left to lose after all these years of beatings and rapes, of being kept naked permanently so that Nile could have him whenever he desired. Who had forgotten what it was like to be able to close his legs at will, so often did Nile keep his homemade "leg spreader" locked around his ankles. But there was a tiny, pitiful, spark inside of Eren that represented the only bit of dignity he still possessed, and though it had encountered many horrible things, it was still repulsed every time a new horrible thing was introduced to the boy. He almost wished that spark would go away; it made things so much harder for him. It was easier to just give in to what Nile wanted._

_But he didn't want to give into this. He hesitated, having a strong suspicion that this was just another one of the man's fetishes, that he probably got off to watching others urinate. And that little bit of dignity left in Eren refused to give him the satisfaction, even though he knew it was a bad idea. The boy shook his head, even as his bladder throbbed in protest._

" _No?" Nile raised an eyebrow, "You're not going to use the bucket?"_

_Eren refused to meet his eye, and instead let his silence and his failure to perform be his answer. Nile sighed, "Fine then," and shrugged, before he put the bucket down, and reached under the bed, pulling out a sinister looking thing he had shoved under there when he first came down to visit Eren that day. The boy had no idea what it was, or what it was supposed to accomplish, but he had a feeling he was about to find out._

_From the quick glance he was given, Eren guessed it was some kind of chastity belt, but there was a long, thin tube in the groin area that pointed towards the wearer, and before he could guess what its purpose was, the belt was being attached, and the tube was being forced up into his urethra. Eren yelped, tears stinging his eyes from the pain. He shook for a minute, instinctively trying to bring his thighs together to protect himself from the intrusion, but it was too late. The belt was being fastened around his waist, harsh and metal and unyielding. Even if his hands were free, the belt was secured by a padlock that clicked sinisterly shut._

" _You either piss in the bucket," Nile explained, "Or you don't piss at all. I'll see if you've changed your mind by tonight. It's seven in the morning now, so how about I check on you at seven tonight. That should give you enough time to think things over."_

_With that, Nile turned around and turned the lights off._

_And then he was left alone in the dark._

_That day seemed to last a week for Eren, an agonizing period of time in which he could think about nothing but his bladder. The pain was so raw, so primal, that his thoughts allowed for him to focus on nothing else but the fact that it needed to be emptied, and desperately. His lower body throbbed, the pressure building and building until Eren felt quite sick with it. He honestly felt ready to vomit, and he wished that he would. Maybe if he relieved himself that way, he might feel marginally better. However, he didn't, and instead all he could do was stand there and cry over yet another ache that he didn't have the power to soothe. What was worse, later in the day, his body eventually overwhelmed his willpower, and with a sob, he felt his bladder give out._

_But nothing came out._

_Horrified, Eren realized that the device was indeed living up to its intended purpose, so while he felt the sharp ping of his bladder relaxing and trying to release its contents, the probe was preventing it from doing so, stoppering him up like a cork in a wine bottle. No liquid was going to escape; instead, it was going to be forced back up to where it came from. With that realization Eren began to feel faint, and the feeling didn't leave him for the rest of the day._

_Seven in the evening rolled around an eternity later, and when Nile appeared punctually in the doorway and came down the steps, Eren immediately began crying in relief, his mind utterly destroyed by the pain his body was in. He was ready to beg, cry, or spread his legs, whatever it took to get the man to remove this awful device._

" _Alright, slut," Nile said, picking up the bucket from the ground, "You've had a good long while to think things over. We going to use this like a good boy?"_

" _Yes!" Eren sobbed, "Please! Oh God, please!"_

" _Close, but that's not my name. Please what?"_

" _Please master!" the boy shrieked, knowing that Nile was enjoying this little extra bit of suffering he was causing by making Eren answer these questions he already knew the answer to, "Please master, please let me use the bucket!"_

_The man laughed lightly, before he began unbuckling the belt with one hand and pulling it off. The probe slid out of Eren, and the boy whimpered, managing with an inhuman effort to hold in the urine for the half second it took for Nile to place his shaft back over the bucket, before it all came gushing out. Eren groaned loudly in sheer, beautiful, blessed relief, so relieved in fact that he saw white for a moment from the force of it._

_The sound of urine tinkling into the bucket was loud and obscene, echoing off the stone walls of the basement, before it ceased after what seemed like hours. Eren's thighs trembled and he felt devastatingly weak, panting with elation at having that agonizing pain relieved, savoring the feeling of an empty bladder. However, he only got to enjoy it for a moment, before Nile was lifting up the bucket and lifting the contents to his lips before dumping them down his throat. The boy coughed and sputtered, inhaling a good portion of it before Nile placed a hand on his mouth and glared at him, a silent instruction for him to swallow it. So used to this by now, and so humiliated that he didn't have the energy to refuse, Eren swallowed with a shudder as it slid down, the taste awful on his tongue and pervading his every sense. Nile just gave a him pleased grin._

" _There," he said, "Glad to see you enjoy it. You better, it's all you'll be drinking for the next week as punishment."_

_Eren stood there in shock, shivering and feeling nauseous. However, before he could unwisely protest, Nile was gone again, vanishing up the stairs, leaving Eren alone once more._

"Nile liked to use that thing on me a lot," Eren concluded, "So much that I noticed a difference right away in how well I could hold my bladder. It became harder to do so fast. I guess the constant stretching and straining of my sphincter muscles made them weaker. But that was just the start. That wasn't even what really made me as bad as I am now."

He paused, finally lifting his head to glance at them both briefly, before pointing at his breast and saying, "You guys know about these scars on my chest. I think you said you saw them, right?"

Levi thought back for a moment, recalling the first day he had met Eren, and remembered clearly the odd surgical cut between his ribs next to the scar that indicated he had been shot at one point, and answered evenly, "Yes, we remember."

"Well, Nile had been drinking that night," he began, choosing to stare at his hands resting on his knees rather than look any of them in the eye anymore, "And when he drank he always got a lot more sadistic. He was already convinced that I had corrupted him and turned his 'morally straight soul' gay, as he put it, and he constantly told me that it was his job to punish me for it. So one night, he came into the basement drunk off his ass, ranting about the usual stuff. Told me how I cursing him and his family, that I was reason he was having problems with his wife because he couldn't get it up around her anymore. Called me whatever awful names he could think of. 'Whore' was a popular one, 'bitch' was too. 'Slut,' 'fag'…it was always creepier when he called me 'darling' though, or when he called me both in one sentence."

Eren shuddered, fighting hard not to see the basement in front of him, instead hyper-focusing on the crackle of the fire in the woodstove, on the abstract shapes he could make out in Petra's carpet, on the warmth of Levi's thigh against his own. He could do this, he told himself.

"Anyway, he was angrier than usual. Said his wife had walked out on him and taken their kids with him, and he had no idea where they were or if they'd even come back. He was blaming me for it, again going on and on about how I had ruined his life, how everything had been better for him before he had ever met me. He started pacing back and forth, trying to decide what he should do with me to punish me. He's listing off things he usually liked to use, like the whips, or the car battery he'd hook me up to sometimes. He said he might even get the mating brace out again and strap me into it. He liked to do that sometimes, stick me in one of those contraptions that you use to mate dogs with, and rub what he said were pheromones of female dogs in heat on me, before letting his German Shepherd down into the basement to-to…"

He swallowed hard, taking another shaking breath and letting it out slowly. He squeezed his eyes shut, and Levi reacted instinctively. He pulled Eren to his chest, mindful of the boy's injured hand, and Eren wasted no time in pulling up his legs and tucking them underneath him, before he laid his head on Levi's chest. He searched for the man's heartbeat, and found it, letting it soothe him before he continued.

"But instead of doing any of those things, he pulled a handgun out of nowhere, and…he, um, he shot me. In the chest."

Eren felt Levi squeeze him subtly tighter, a reflex brought about by a surge of angry protectiveness welling up inside the man, and he appreciated it. He nuzzled his face further into his chest, daring a look up at Petra, and seeing that her face held an expression of sympathetic understanding. If she minded Eren clinging to Levi so blatantly for comfort, she certainly wasn't saying anything, and in fact, if Eren had to guess, he'd say she approved of it.

"I thought I was going to die," Eren said breathlessly, "I…God, it hurt so bad, and I had never seen that much of my own blood before. I was so fucking scared."

"I'll bet you were," Levi said, his voice surprisingly somewhat hoarse, "Shit, I'm so sorry Eren."

"That's not the worst part," he told him. "Nile seemed really surprised by what he had done. I don't remember a lot of what happened next, but I do remember seeing the stairs under me as he dragged me up them. Then I remember being in the tub while he tried to stop the bleeding with towels. I think I might have told him to call an ambulance a few times, because he told me that he didn't need to do that, that he was in the medical field and he could fix this himself. So…that's what he did. Right there, in that tub. He tied my chains around the bar in the tub, and basically performed surgery to get the bullet out.

"He got me drunk first. Forced alcohol down my throat until I was almost as incoherent as he was, keeping a towel over my chest the whole time. He didn't have any anesthetic, he said, so the alcohol would have to do. Pretty sure the bullet didn't hit anything vital, otherwise I'm sure I would have died long before the time it took to get me drunk. It was just the blood loss making me fade in and out. But once I was out of it enough, that's when he started. I…Jesus, I have some of my worst nightmares from this. I still feel him poking around with the pliers inside me, still feel the pain, hear my own screams. Some of its fuzzy from the alcohol, but the parts that aren't I see whenever I close my eyes.

"After that, he sewed me up and put me back down in the basement. And after a few days, I started getting really sick. I don't remember much from then either. I just remember the place where he shot me and cut me open hurting so badly that I couldn't sleep, couldn't even lay down to relax. I got so sick that I couldn't keep any food or liquids down that he tried to give me, and Nile said that my eyes and skin had turned yellow. Lost control of my bowels and bladder too, couldn't hold anything worth a damn, it all just slipped out of me whether I wanted it to or not. But I was so far gone that I didn't care. Nile managed to get me better though. Wouldn't tell me what he was giving me, but it was probably stuff he stole from the hospital he worked at. But it worked, whatever it was. Couldn't decide if I was grateful or not. At the time I actually kept praying that I would just die, that I wouldn't wake up one morning and wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore. But I did. And ever since then, my bladder has been messed up, and every time I pissed myself, Nile would get mad and punish me. Just gave him another excuse to, I guess."

Eren pushed his nose hard into the folds of Levi's shirt, taking in a deep draught of the man's scent and using it like his own form of nitrous oxide. It kept him sane, kept his heart from racing too hard, took away the desire to get up and run away, or to break down into a hysterical, hyperventilating mess. But even though Levi kept his body grounded, his mind traitorously began to race in the silence that followed, and he desperately wished someone would say something.

But what was there to say?

"Why me?" Eren wondered, half to himself, although he didn't expect an answer, "What the hell made me so lucky? What did I ever do to deserve this? Nile always told me I deserved it because I was his sex slave and sex slaves were like animals. Always said my mouth was never good for anything but sucking and that's why I wasn't allowed to speak. I was supposed to be docile and submissive. And now I can't break out of that mindset. I want to. I don't want to hurt anymore. I know I'm not alone, but I still feel so alone and I hate it…"

"Shh, Eren, listen," Levi told him, squeezing him even harder, "I know. Believe me, I know how you feel. Petra knows how you feel. Every member of the Wings of Freedom knows how you feel. It's another side effect of the trauma you endured. You just feel so lonely, so isolated from others because you feel like you can't relate to them anymore. Right Petra?"

Petra agreed, "Right. And in that way, because we all have experienced some kind of trauma, we can assure you that you're not alone, Eren. I know it won't replace the one you lost, but I hope you can find some kind of comfort in the fact that you have sort of a new family surrounding you. You can count on us to support you no matter what, and give you whatever you need to make you make you feel safe and happy."

Eren took a steadying breath, saying as he exhaled, "…I know. Thanks guys, I do appreciate it."

Levi didn't miss the lingering uncertainty in his tone, however, nor did he miss the tenseness in his shoulders or the dullness of his eyes. He looked up, sharing a look with Petra, before nudging the side of Eren's head with his nose, and offered something that made Eren instantly snap out of his dark daze, that made his thoughts stop swirling quiet down abruptly. That made him gaze upon the man he admired so much with awe, anticipation, and more than a little apprehension.

"How about this?" Levi said quietly, "I think turnabout is fair play. When we get home, I'll tell you about some of my worst experiences as a captive. You'll find out we have more in common than you probably ever wanted."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that was hard to get through, but how about this? After all the hard stuff next chapter, I'll give you some more of Eren ogling Levi. Sound good? Okay. Chapter title means "promise."


	11. Klang der Dunkelheit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright everyone, part two of the ickyness, but then this will be it for a while, I promise. Besides, you get through the first part and there's a lovely little reward for you at the end. ^^ Enjoy!

Levi remained silent the entire ride home, and he barely said a word to Eren once they walked through the door, only telling the boy to sit and wait for him on the couch. Eren did so, watching him curiously as he traveled from room to room, the older man's expression completely unreadable during the whole process. Even when he returned to the living room with a large, soft blanket he had pulled from his closet, flicked on the lamp sitting beside the couch on the side table and slid onto the couch next to Eren, even when he was right next to the boy and he could see his face much more clearly, he still couldn't tell what he was thinking.

Not surprisingly, unknown to Eren, Levi's stomach was doing so many flips and churning so badly that he was almost certain he was going to be sick. A small part of him wondered what possessed him to promise Eren that he would tell him about his own experience as a captive. However, he only wondered that for a moment, since the answer was obvious. Eren had looked so pained, so frightened, and so hopeless at the prospect that he was the only person in the world to suffer as he had, that Levi had reacted automatically, saying the only thing he could think of to comfort him. And that was the whole point, Levi realized, to show Eren just how well Levi understood his pain.

So, with that strengthening his resolve and pushing back his nausea, at least for now, Levi scooted over on the couch until he was close to Eren. He pulled the blanket over the top of the both of them, creating a soft, cozy environment that was only made cozier when Eren curled up next to him, prompting Levi to lean back against the armrest as Eren pressed himself against him. He scooted down until his head was lying against the man's stomach, wrapping his arms around his waist, while Levi in turn wrapped his arms around Eren's shoulders after he finished situating the blanket over the top of them. Once the two of them went still, Levi finally broke his silence.

"Alright, now bear with me," he cautioned, looking down into Eren's shining, slightly worried eyes, "It's been years since I tried remembering any of this crap, so I don't know how much I'll actually be able to tell you. But I know you're coming into this not knowing anything aside from what I've told you. You haven't seen any of the newspaper articles on the case or anything, have you?"

"No," Eren answered, shaking his head, "Haven't thought to look them up."

"Right. Then understand most of what I'm going to tell you, I haven't told anyone. The country knows the bare minimum, everyone in the Wings of Freedom knows slightly more than that. Even Erwin won't know as much as I'm going to tell you."

Eren blinked up at him in shock, before stuttering, "W-Why me then? Why tell me all of this? What makes me so special?"

Levi offered him a somewhat morbid smile. "I think you know the answer to that. Like I've told you, Erwin and the rest have only read about the kind of trauma you and I lived through. We're different from them. And you've told me things no one else knows about. That…actually helped me through some of my own shit. I really hope that me telling you my story will help you through your stuff. Remind you that someone else knows what you're going through. The worst feeling in the world is feeling alone."

The boy's lips parted slightly in awe, before he nodded once, and snuggled down a little further, getting comfortable. When he stilled and stared at Levi, taking comfort in the sounds the older man's body made under his ear, Levi took that as his signal that he should start. He took a deep, steadying breath, and began.

"I don't remember much from my first year or so being there," he stated. His voice was a quiet, monotonous murmur, and it didn't take long for him to put Eren under a sort of trance where the boy desired to hear nothing else but his voice. "I was really young, I want to say four or so when my mom and I were snatched off the streets by these guys. See, my mom was a prostitute. All the women they captured were, and you can bet that was on purpose. They knew no one would be looking for them if they went missing. And although my mom hated taking me on her calls, sometimes she had no choice."

Eren hesitated, a question burning on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't know if Levi would want to answer it. He took a chance, wondering softly, "Levi, were you…were you the, um, product of one of your mom's clients?"

But Levi didn't seem offended. How could he be, when it was a fact? "Yeah. That was me, a side effect of her work. I got lucky though, very lucky. Most prostitutes I knew hated their children, and I suppose I don't blame them. They were a reminder of the life they were forced to live, and to them their kids were just burdens. Most of these women couldn't even take care of themselves, you know? But my mom…God, she loved the shit out of me, Eren. I don't know how I got so lucky to be born to her."

"She sounds wonderful," Eren remarked wistfully.

"She was," Levi agreed, "Hell, I think she liked to cuddle as much as you do. She was always hugging me, always giving me kisses and telling me how lucky she was to have me, how I was the best thing to happen to her. She called me 'cricket' a lot, because she said I had a soft, soothing singing voice."

"You do," the boy said, grinning, "And that's adorable."

Levi nodded sadly. "It was nice. I think you would have liked her, Eren."

Eren's eyes widened slightly, and he asked, "What happened to her?"

Levi's eyes darkened slightly. "I'll…I'll tell you when we get there."

The boy bit his lip, and nodded in agreement, nuzzling his face against the older man's stomach slightly, trying to offer him comfort without words. Levi smiled in return, appreciating the gesture, and brushing his fingers across Eren's cheek lightly in thanks, before he continued.

"So one day, these two guys pulled up to the corner we were standing on in a huge van. Probably should have been our first clue. But they solicited her, and she accepted. They didn't even mention me, I don't think, and the second we were in the van, one of them handcuffed us both. There were a couple of beds in the back, and they hooked us to the legs on opposite ends. I remember my mom asking what was happening, begging them not to hurt me, before we both had cloths put over our noses, and we were knocked out. Next thing we knew we were waking up in this pitch black, tiny room that was going to be our home for over the next decade, and the second we woke up, this tape started playing. It told us in explicit detail what was going to happen to us, how we were going to be trained and used as sex slaves for the foreseeable future, how we were going to be raped thoroughly and repeatedly, how there was no use in fighting and that we should just be survivors and be smart about the whole ordeal…"

He trailed off, and Eren felt a tremor run through his body. Eren had to suppress his own shiver, feeling goosebumps breaking out over his skin. He could only imagine how terrifying that must have been, being in the pitch darkness of a strange room, the only sound being your own panicked breathing and the sound of your captor telling you how he was going to violate you and that there was nothing you could do about it.

"I remember when I first got in," Levi kept going, "There was only us and another woman. A third woman was brought in later, and she had a kid too. Her kid was much younger than I was though, just a baby, not even a year old yet. A little boy, I think. Once they had all of us there in their bunker, they debated what they should do about the 'extras' that came with their sex slaves, meaning the kids. I didn't see anything, but I heard that they killed the baby outright. I think they- they cooked him too."

He stopped to swallow hard, and Eren rubbed his sides comfortingly, although he felt a chill go up his spine at his words. And Levi was just getting started.

"So I wondered what that would mean for me. Clearly they would have no problems getting rid of a toddler if they had no problems killing an infant. But they let me live…because they said I was 'beautiful.' I looked like my mom, they said, and they thought they could use me like her. So that became my job, there. I was pimped out to their friends, their friends' friends, anyone and everyone who had money in their pockets and got their kicks out of raping and torturing a kid. They kept the women to themselves for the most part though. But I made them a lot of money. Hell, I'm pretty sure I funded that bunker's upkeep myself. They said my fee was high because of how uniquely I was, how it was very rare for boys to be as pretty as I was…God, I hated that."

"Hated what?" the boy wondered.

"Hated when they called me beautiful," Levi practically spat the last word, as if it tasted foul on his tongue, "It always meant something bad, and it always made me feel nauseous when I heard it. I hate that they made me hate hearing it even now, all these years later. Whenever anyone tells me I'm attractive I want to punch them and puke all at the same time. I hate being seen as attractive in any way, Eren. I hate that they did this to me, because it's not normal."

He let out a short, humorless laugh, and patted Eren's shoulder, saying, "Being perceived as attractive is a funny, fickle thing, isn't it? Depending on what circumstances you're born into, it can make you rich and desirable beyond your wildest dreams, make it so everyone throws themselves at your feet. It can make your life so disgustingly easy. But if you were born into our circumstances, it's the biggest curse in the world. Look what happened to you. Nile wanted you because he thought you were beautiful. My mom got more attention than all the other women, and while those men got bored with them after a few months and let them go, my mom and I were forced to stay for years. All because they thought we were prettier than the rest. Like my mom always said, Eren, there are some people that will treat diamonds in the dirt worse than the surrounding rocks."

"But diamonds are much tougher than rocks," Eren pointed out with a cheeky grin, "And I don't know anyone tougher than you."

"…Well thank you, but I'm not done yet," Levi mentioned, faltering slightly over Eren's compliment and wondering just who he was talking about. Like he hadn't seen Levi puking his guts up at three in the morning over bad dreams or clinging to the boy like he had no one else in the world.

"So that was pretty much my purpose while I was there, and like I said, I saw many women come and go. I heard lots of gunshots on that property, so I know some of them were killed. Sometimes they would come in and brag to us how they would release some of the women, naked, and let them try and escape, all so they could hunt them down like animals and kill them, and that if we didn't want to end up the same way, we'd do everything we were told. And it was that fear that kept me in that bunker for all of those years. It took a while, but eventually I forgot how soft grass was, or what color blue the sky was. I remember crying to my mom one night because I just wanted to feel the sun on my skin again. God, how messed up is that?

"Anyway, that's how things were until I was ten. My mom and I were holed up in the same little cell that felt more like a closet with a hole in the ground for a toilet and a couple of mats on the floor for beds. I was told there were peepholes in the walls with night vision so that our captors could check on us whenever they wanted. It was like living in a mineshaft. Got really hot in the summers and freezing cold in the winters. Most of the time my mom and were kept naked too so that they could have access to us whenever they wanted, and that certainly didn't help matters any.

"I remember the men had these rules written down too, about how we could and couldn't act around them. We weren't allowed to cross our arms or put our knees up in front of our chests. We always had to be open and willing for them. We couldn't look them in the eye, couldn't speak unless we were spoken to, couldn't offer any resistance. Always had to reply back to questions 'properly' with full sentences. Had to refer to them as 'master.' Weren't allowed to say no unless it was the answer to a question they asked. I understood what they were doing then as I do now: they were taking away our individuality, turning us into nothing more than obedient toys that they took out to play with every once in a while before sticking us back in the closet and ignoring us until they wanted to play with us again. And the ways they played with us…Well, they did mostly the same things Nile did to you. They had a leg spreader too, and I got hooked up to a car battery more than once. They didn't have sex with me themselves, only their patrons ever did. But they offered a whole menagerie of messed up sex toys to use on me if they so chose to. There was a torture rack in the Red Room, uh, that was the room they rented out to their clients, and I got strapped up on that a few times. Some of them liked to choke me until I passed out, some of them whipped me, some of them even borrowed needles from those men and stuck them between my legs. Anything to make me cry and squirm, anything to get a reaction out of me. That was what got them off, not the actual sex. That was all when I was just a child, and I was lucky that when they were done with me, they just tossed me back in my room with my mother, and she was there to patch me back up and reassure me that she loved me, that someday we'd get out of here.

"Then one day, they…they…"

Levi stopped, feeling a lump rise in his throat, and nausea begin to boil in his stomach. He knew what was coming next, knew the events that led up to him being separated from his mother, and he wondered if Eren would be able to handle a story like that. But if the boy could bare his soul, then so could he. He could do this.

Couldn't he?

"Levi," Eren's small voice cut through his morbid thoughts, "If you don't want to tell me any more, that's okay."

"It's alright," he replied, though he wasn't sure if he was trying to reassure the boy or himself, and dammit his voice was beginning to shake and he hadn't even told Eren anything yet. His chest began to hitch as anticipatory adrenaline began to fill his bloodstream, urging him to run from the danger. But he couldn't exactly run away from his own mind. "It's- I'll be okay. I need to do this. I need to tell someone this before I go crazy. I've held it in for over fifteen years, Eren."

"Okay, okay," Eren agreed. But instead of settling in to hear more of his story, the boy moved up Levi's body until his chest was level with the older man's head. He pulled the blanket up around both of their shoulders, watching as Levi's eyes widened slightly when Eren gently pulled the older man's head against his chest, holding it there so that he could listen to his heart beating.

"Here," he mumbled, slightly embarrassed, and if Levi looked up he would have seen a light dusting of pink across Eren's cheeks, "Listening to your heart always makes me feel better. It might, uh, it might help you get through the rest of your story. If you want."

Levi remained stiff for a moment, before the sound of Eren's heartbeat registered in his ears, and he felt himself begin to calm down, his eyelids dropping slightly from their wide-eyed stare into something more neutral and relaxed. "Mmm…this is fine," he finally said.

His arms were pressed between their chests, and were squished slightly more when Eren draped an arm across his torso to bring him closer. He felt the boy curve his neck until his chin was resting on top of Levi's head, and they were touching from head to toe. He could feel every breath Eren took, and some of the tension released inside of him; he couldn't remember the last time he had felt this safe. Eren smelled warm and familiar, and he could hear his breath entering and leaving his body right next to his ear. It reminded him that no matter what horrible places his mind went tonight, no matter how scared he became, Eren had him. Eren was here for him, and he'd never leave, no matter what.

"S-So," Levi began again, voice still shaking with nerves, "One afternoon, both men came in to our room. They chained up our wrists and ankles, like they usually did, and led us both to the Red Room. I knew something was wrong when they did that; they never usually took my mom and I to the same rooms when they wanted us for something. But once they had us there, they tied up my mom to the bedpost and put the leg spreader on her. O-One them forced themselves on her while the other held me there and forced me to watch."

He felt Eren squeeze him a little tighter, felt him press his head a little more insistently against his chest, but oh, if only the boy knew. If only he knew what was coming.

"That wasn't the worst of it, Eren," Levi whispered, his voice as small and weak as he could remember it being in years, "After he finished with her, while she was still trying to hold back tears, that man looked at me, then nodded towards my mother and said, 'Kay kid, now it's your turn."

Eren gasped above his head. "L-Levi…they didn't…"

Levi nodded morosely. "I'll never forget what he said to me. 'What, I just showed you how to do it. The bitch spreads her legs for everyone else, she can make room for you too. She loves you so damn much, I'm surprised you two weren't doing this long ago.' When I refused, he put a knife to her throat and said if I didn't penetrate her, then that knife would. And…and I"-

"Stop," the boy silenced him with a shake of his head, "You don't have to say anymore. Oh Levi…shit, and you were just a kid…Levi, I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't even begin to make up for what happened, but God, I'm so sorry. I wish those bastards were in the room right now, I'd bite their dicks off right now. Force them to eat them too. No one's ever going to touch you again like that while I'm around."

Levi smiled gently against his chest. "Thank you. It's- I know, Eren. I appreciate your anger. And don't sell yourself short. No one but my mom has apologized for that happening, so I appreciate the sentiment."

He didn't mention how he appreciated the offer for protection as well. No one had offered to protect him since Kuchel, and his heart warmed up in ways he had forgotten that it could. He nuzzled his nose against Eren's chest almost imperceptibly, overcome by gratitude and affection.

"So after that," he murmured, "they took us back to our room for a bit, and above everything, I was afraid that my mom hated me now. But she assured me over and over again that she still loved me, that I was still her son and nothing could change that. That they could prey on our love but they couldn't destroy it. I only got about a half hour with her though, before they came back and dragged me back into that Red Room. But I was so angry for what they made me do, so angry for what they were doing to us in general, that for the first time since I got there, I fought back. Split one of the guy's eyes open and made it so that he had to wear an eyepatch for the rest of his life."

"Good," Eren nodded in approval, "Too bad it wasn't one of his balls."

The older man let out a small laugh, and then the sides of his mouth curled downwards again in a frown. "For that though, they decided I was too much of a threat, and they separated me from my mom. They put me in a cell all by myself, and I didn't see her again for years after that. Honestly I'm surprised they didn't kill me right then and there, but I supposed they figured they couldn't afford to get rid of me, not when I was their major source of income. And I mean, I heard about her sometimes. They'd tell me that she was still alive, that she was healthy, that she asked about me all the time. I sometimes heard her screaming down the hall if she was being tortured. But I didn't see her again until the police finally discovered the bunker seven years later.

"One morning they came and dragged me out of my room. They didn't bother to cuff my ankles this time, just my wrists. Led me out of the bunker and outside. I should have been excited to see the sun and feel the dirt under my feet again, but I was too scared to appreciate it. I knew if they were taking me outside, it could only mean something bad, especially with how nervous the men were acting behind me. Especially when I saw how he had all the women lined up in the woods behind the property. All of them were on their knees, and they forced me to kneel next to them, next to my mother. I saw her and…God Eren, she looked awful, pale and thin and so scared, but all I could feel was happy. I started crying and tried to get closer to her. I was seventeen, but all I wanted was for her to hug me, to protect me like she always did. And she started crying too and saying my name over and over. She managed to get up for a moment and sit by me, and I just _lost it_. I hid my head against her shoulder and just bawled while she told me over and over again that it was okay, she was there now, that she loved me. For a moment, everything was okay. I dared to believe everything would be alright, as long as I had my mom.

"But they separated us again, and before I could ask what was going on, I saw one of the men at the end holding a gun to the back one of the women's heads. He said the police were going to be there any minute, and they had to clear out as much evidence as they could before they got there. Said it was nothing personal, before they shot her in the head. And then they just moved down the line, shooting them all execution style. My mom and I were at the end, so they got to us last, and the whole time she didn't look at them, she just kept looking at me. I was freaking out, Eren. I couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop shaking, and yet my mom was still trying to comfort me. She told me to just keep my eyes on her, to just keep looking at her. And I'll never forget the last thing she said to me. Even when the men came up behind her and pointed the gun at her, she didn't look at them. She kept looking at me the whole time, and said, 'Thank you for being my son, cricket. You made me the luckiest mom in the whole world.' And she started to tell me she loved me, but it was cut off, because that was when they shot her. I had to watch them shoot my mom in the back, before they moved onto me. I heard the gun, felt the bullets in my back, and then everything went black.

"I thought I was dead. I hoped I was. But I found myself waking up to pitch blackness, and when I tried to breathe in I got a mouthful of dirt. They…they had buried me, thinking I was dead. I, shit, I still have nightmares about that. I somehow managed to pull myself to surface, and when I did, the first thing I heard were sirens. I stumbled towards them, and found that they had only buried me a little ways inside the woods, and that the property was still right there. That was when the cops found me. I probably scared the shit out of them, but they immediately took me to a hospital after that."

"And that was it?" Eren asked in a small voice.

Levi nodded, "For my actual captivity, yeah. Then there was all the shit with court, my therapy, trying to work myself back into society and wondering what the hell I was going to do now. Then Erwin found me. He had heard about what happened to me, hell, everyone in the country had, but he offered me a place in the Wings of Freedom, saying if I wanted, I could help kids that had been traumatized like me. And I thought it would be a great idea, you know? Give kids the help I never had. It's been a good life. Through them, I've learned how to live a normal life again, and I get a little better every year."

Eren went completely silent and motionless, unsure of what he should say or do now that Levi's story was over. However, Levi seemed to know exactly what he was thinking, because he leaned back slightly so he could look Eren in the eye, and said, "Eren, I didn't just tell you all that because misery loves company. I wanted to let you know that it's possible for you to get better. Because if someone as screwed up as I was can wake up every morning and ask the day to do its worst, then you can too. Because the way I look at it, we've already seen what Hell looks like. Things can only get better from here, right?"

The boy refused to look at him for a moment, instead keeping his gaze slightly to the left of Levi's head. Finally, he raised his eyes to meet the older man's darker ones, and nodded minutely.

"I'll believe you," he said, "because you've never lied to me before. If you say I can get better, then I'll believe I can. Just…"

"What?" Levi asked, his eyes roving over Eren's face with concern.

"This is…this will probably sound stupid to you," the boy began unsurely, and Levi could have sworn he saw him blushing slightly.

"Try me," he insisted.

"I mean, all of the things you said made me sad," Eren told him, keeping his eyes averted, "But one of them was the fact that you hate it when people call you beautiful. I mean, I understand, but…what if I told you that- that _I_ thought you were beautiful? Would that be okay? Can Itell you that I think you're beautiful?"

For a moment, Levi had no idea how to respond to such a thing, lips parted in surprise and mind unable to form a coherent thought. Eren was quickly regretting the words ever leaving his mouth, thinking that Levi was disgusted with him. Obviously had to be, since he had just spilled his guts to Eren detailing the reason he hated it, and it was justifiable.

"Forget it," Eren said quickly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, no Eren," Levi said, "No, hey, it's okay. You didn't scare me. Just surprised me is all. I- no, you're fine. I don't mind."

He blinked at him in confusion. "Don't mind what?"

"I don't mind if you call me beautiful."

Eren's lips parted in surprise. "Really? Are you sure?"

Levi thought about it for a moment more, before answering softly, "No, I don't."

"Alright," he said, cheeks spreading to make way for a blinding smile, "Good. Great. Well then Levi Ackerman, you are the most beautiful thing I've had the privilege of laying my eyes on. You're not just a side effect of your mom's work, you're a wonderful human being that has changed my life forever, and it makes me shudder to think of where I'd be if I'd never met you."

Levi snorted in response, but when he let the implications of his own words sink in, he realized that they were in fact the truth. Somehow, when Eren said the very thing those men had said for years, it was different. Why though? They were the same words. They carried the same intention. Wait, no. That was wrong, and that was when Levi realized why he didn't mind. When those words came from Eren's mouth and washed over him, when he attached them to the boy's sparkling green eyes and young, gentle face, it left a different feeling tingling in his stomach. He wasn't sure what it was, but it wasn't revulsion. Eren's intention was wildly different from theirs. He was innocent. He just wanted to compliment Levi, to undo the damage those men had done. And while Levi didn't believe a word of it, he knew Eren was nothing if not honest. He had nothing to gain from complimenting Levi, except the knowledge that the older man did in fact, on some small, shy, level, enjoy hearing it from him.

Unknown to him that was the greatest reward Eren could ever hope to gain, the knowledge that he had somehow made Levi happy.

"Thank you," Levi said, and automatically added, "You're wrong, but thank you all the same."

"Oh shut up, no I'm not," Eren refuted just as automatically, "You can deny it all you want, but it's hard to deny facts, Levi. And I mean, I can show you, if you want."

At those words, blood flushed hard into the man's face, and caught completely off guard, he could only reply with, "Y-You…what?"

"Yeah, here," the boy told him.

Levi had a moment to see that his face was just as red as his own, before Eren was leaning over him and tenderly, pressing his lips to his forehead. And Levi surprised himself by not immediately backing away, but instead going completely still and letting his mind go blank. His muscles loosened and he felt his body go lax as he took in the sensation of the kid's warm, soft lips pressing against his forehead. He was being so gentle, so careful, as if Levi were as delicate as glass. He found his eyelids fluttering shut, and he subtly lifted his forehead a little bit, pressing it further into Eren's lips. Between them, the warm, tall body leaning slightly over him, and the and obvious care Eren was displaying for him, Levi felt himself melting, completely lost in this foreign sensation that the boy had filled him with. He had never felt so safe, or so cared for before, and it was incredible.

All too soon, Eren pulled back, face still extremely red, but he maintained eye contact with Levi, saying, "There. Now you know you're beautiful."

"I-I sure do," Levi stuttered, "I, ahem, here, it's…holy crap it's past eleven. It's late, Eren, why don't you go to bed. I'm going to shower, and then I'll head off to bed myself. Sound good?"

"Yeah, yeah that sounds good," Eren agreed, the blood finally receding from his face slightly, "And Levi?"

The older man extricated himself carefully from the couch, leaving the blanket with Eren, before he hummed, "Hmm?"

"Thanks again for telling me everything. It really did help."

His heart finally slowing down, Levi reached down and ruffled Eren's hair. "No problem, brat. Like I said, things can only get better from here, right? Tomorrow's a new morning. So go and get some sleep so it can come faster, okay?"

Eren rolled his eyes, but stood up obediently, taking the blanket with him. "Yes mom."

The older man withdrew his hand, offering Eren one last smile, before he began to head down the hallway to the bathroom, removing his shirt as he went. He heard a choked, sputtering sound behind him, and he swung around, regarding Eren with concern.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked.

"Fine," Eren answered shortly. Too shortly. He couldn't bring himself to look the older man in the eye, not when that would entail raking his eyes up his bare chest in order to do so.

"You sure?" Levi insisted, and did the worst possible thing in the world. He walked closer over to Eren, stopping once he was in front of the boy and pressing a hand to his forehead, before running it down the side of his face to stop at his cheek. "You feel really warm. You catch a spontaneous fever or something?"

"N-No," Eren stammered, shaking his head, "I just…must be more tired than I thought. I'm going to go to bed. Right now. In case I did catch a fever. You know. Sleep might get rid of it."

Levi backed away, removing his hand from his face and eyeing the boy critically, before relenting, "Well, alright. If you're sure. If you need me, you know where I'll be."

"Yeah. Sure. Thanks, Levi."

With another soft smile, the older man left Eren sitting on the couch, and the boy had never been more thankful that he couldn't see his face, because he would have seen the utterly stupid way his mouth hung open and drool all but snaking down from his parted lips at seeing Levi's back muscles flex as he walked away. His skin was so pale, so soft and warm looking, and then his shoulder blades shifted under his skin as he tossed his shirt in his room, and Eren felt the need to squeeze his thighs together.

"I told you," he whispered to himself, "I told you that you were the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so was the ickyness worth it for that lovely prize at the end? I think so. I have a feeling you guys are really going to like the next couple of chapters. ^^ Chapter title means "sound of darkness."


	12. Wilde Rose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so there's a bit of an icky dream sequence in here, but it has a happy ending, fear not. And the rest of the chapter is sweet and fluffy, I promise. :)

In all honesty, Levi wasn't surprised this had happened.

He spent several minutes staring at his ceiling, willing his pounding heart to calm down and digging the heels of his hands into his eyes in frustration. He had glanced at his clock before to see that it was an ungodly hour in the morning, and what else had he expected? Of course after spilling his guts like that to Eren he was going to have bad dreams all night. The minute he closed his eyes all he saw was the Red Room, or Marlow and his friends looming above him as they pressed burning cigarettes or needles against his genitals, or shoving foreign objects up his rectum that were far too large to fit in his tiny body. Or his mother crying and trying to comfort him all at once beneath him as those men forced his head between her-

Levi swallowed hard, feeling bile rise up his throat and trying to push it back down. He was far too exhausted and drained to be sick tonight. He was also far too tired and yet too on edge to fall back asleep. Yet whenever he closed his eyes for more than a blink, he was assaulted with more horrible images and phantom feelings, feelings of being pinned to the bed by huge, heavy bodies that were far stronger than his young, vulnerable one, feelings of being trapped and unable to escape.

He could get up, head into the living room and attempt to watch t.v until he passed out, but he knew that was unlikely to happen. The only outcome he could see from that was a migraine and aching eyes following him throughout the day. Besides, he knew deep down there was a part of him that was desperate for company, to assure himself that he wasn't alone in this house and that someone else would be on watch for his demons tonight. God knew it was exhausting watching for them alone.

Sighing deeply, tiredly, he realized he had only one option left. He didn't think he would be rejected, but he felt bad nonetheless. Trying not to think too hard about it, Levi swung his legs over the side of his bed and padded down the hallway to the bedroom at the end. The door was cracked open, allowing for a sliver of comforting, mellow light from the hallway to peak in. He carefully pushed it open the rest of the way, his eyes coming to rest on the lump nestled beneath the blankets in the middle of the bed. Even from here, he could see that Eren was deeply asleep, if his soft snores were anything to go by. Carefully, feeling very much like a small, guilty child, he picked his way over to the side of the bed, stopping once his knees were nudging the mattress.

Eren was facing away from him, the blankets up to his nose and his hair lying on the pillow carelessly. His lips were slightly parted to let his breaths in and out, and his dark eyelashes fanned out over his cheeks softly. He looked so peaceful for once, and Levi again felt horrible for thinking of disturbing him, so horrible in fact that he began to turn away from the bed, knowing that Eren needed all the sleep he could get and didn't deserve to have it interrupted because of Levi's selfishness. He was used to many years' worth of sleepless nights, what was one more?

But that selfish part of him spoke up a little louder, assuring him that Eren wouldn't mind, not really. If the kid was so sincere about telling Levi that he thought he was beautiful, surely he wouldn't mind letting him into his bed because he couldn't sleep?

It was those thoughts that made Levi sink gently to the bed, sitting down on it before he began to pull the blankets back. But then he hesitated again, telling himself that he shouldn't intrude, and the back and forth argument in his head was already beginning to kick-start that migraine he was worried about. However, before he could think on it any further, he heard a sleepy moan and felt Eren roll over, before he caught the glitter of the boy's eyes as they slowly opened into slits.

"Mmm…Levi?" he hummed, his voice thick and crackly with sleep, "Wassa matter? You'kay?"

Levi froze, like a rabbit that's been sighted by a fox, before stuttering, "I-I…I'm sorry for waking you up, Eren, I didn't mean- I'll just go back to bed, it's alright."

"No s'not," Eren mumbled, trying valiantly to wake himself up but failing miserably, his eyes drooping heavily, "Have a bad dream?"

The older man stared at him in shock. "H-How did you…?"

"Can't think of any other reason why you'd be here in the middle of the night."

"Oh."

For a brief moment, Levi went quiet, unsure how to proceed now that he had been found out, before he began, "So, um"-

But luckily, Eren beat him to it, opening up the blanket lazily and demanding, "Get in."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. C'mere. Don't want you to be alone."

Sighing in defeat, the older mean scooted under the offered blankets, immediately feeling himself relax when he noticed that the blankets and pillows all smelled like Eren. He relaxed even more when he settled his head on the pillow and felt Eren's body heat on the other side of the bed begin to bleed into his bones. The boy was like a cozy furnace, and without even realizing that it was happening, Levi's eyes began to fall shut.

However, they shot open a moment later when he felt Eren shuffle up next to him and drape his arm over his waist, before curling his body around the older man's, effectively spooning him from behind.

"Eren?" he asked, curious as to what the kid was up to.

"This okay?" Eren mumbled.

"…Yeah, it's fine."

"Good. Cool. Okay…night then."

Levi didn't reply, one because he could tell that Eren was already more asleep than awake, and he could feel his breaths evening out into sleep in a matter of minutes. Two, because he couldn't think of anything to say. The boy had yet again stolen all coherent thought from him, starting when he told Levi he was beautiful and then by showing him by kissing him on the forehead. Now this. It certainly wasn't unpleasant, having Eren wrapped around him with the boy holding him laxly around his waist. It wasn't uncomfortable feeling the length of his warm body all along Levi's and feeling his nose pressed against the back of his neck. His moist, warm breaths heating up his nape and teasing the fine hairs there also were not unpleasant. In fact, it made Levi feel exactly what he'd hoped he would when he came to Eren looking for comfort; safe, content, and even more shocking, made him relax enough where he began to drift again. His body registered that there was someone else with him now, someone else to help watch for danger, and that everything was okay now. The deep, primal instinct for physical contact and warmth when one was afraid was soothed, and Levi barely had the time to relish in the feeling of Eren's chest rising and falling against his back, before sleep claimed him again.

Almost at once however, he found himself plunged back into his dreams, picking up where the last one left off. He was in the Red Room with Marlow and his gang, the older man shoving Levi's face down onto his cock, saying matter of factly, "It's not gonna suck itself, kid."

Levi tried to keep his gaze locked onto the deep red comforter beneath them, wishing once more with all of his small heart that a hero would show up to save him, to pull him out of this place and take him outside under the sun, to tell him that they were going home and that no one would ever hurt him again. His mother always said if he wished, his dreams might come true. So he had made that wish every night since their capture, but of course it never happened. Instead, he was forced to clench his teeth together as another man gripped his hips and forced themselves into his tiny body, before obediently lowering his head to take Marlow in his mouth. He dearly hoped they wouldn't notice him crying. He didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he was hurting. Yet his tears always made them come, and if they didn't come, they might just hurt him worse.

The pain was brutal, burning, tearing him in half, and Levi knew without question that the warm, sticky liquid dripping down his thigh was blood. Maybe not much, but the sharp, iron tang in the air was enough to make him feel sicker and even more frightened than he already was. His fear only increased when he heard Marlow growl, "Now when I come, you better swallow every drop of sperm. I don't want to see any of it escaping out the sides of your mouth, or there'll be hell to pay."

Of course, Levi tried his best, but he could barely fit Marlow's penis in his mouth, much less swallow what came out when he at last found his release. His gag reflex had him yanking his head back when he felt it spurt down his windpipe instead of his throat, causing him to cough violently to the point where he thought he'd vomit.

"You little shit," Marlow hissed, glancing down at his lap and seeing the evidence of his own release now spattered all over his lap mixed in with saliva, "Ugh, Pierce"-

"Got it," the man still buried in Levi responded, and wasted no time in leaning forward, snaking his hands around to Levi's crotch and twisting the boy's penis hard enough that he knew it would bruise badly in the morning. Levi yipped in response, trying very hard to hold back any sounds of pain. But Pierce seemed to know exactly what he was doing, and began to dig his nails into the soft, sensitive flesh.

"Go on brat, scream," he demanded, "I heard your mama says you have a pretty singing voice. So sing for us."

Levi began to writhe on the other man's cock, trying to pull away but unable to, Marlow pushing his head down into the bed so that he couldn't. The pain became unbearable quickly, and his willpower was shattered in that instant. Levi began to cry out, tears welling in his eyes and burning down his cheeks. His whole world was pain and humiliation, had been for most of his life with no end in sight, and he wished impossibly once more that world could expand to include the warmth of the sun and security of a safe haven.

He knew how this dream would end. He would continue to cry and squirm, until all of the men finished and eventually got off of him, chuckling and patting his head, thanking him for the fun. But this time, it didn't go like that. This time, instead, he heard the door burst open, smacking against the wall with a loud bang. He heard the pounding of rapid footsteps, and Marlow saying, "What the hell?" before there were sounds of a fight going on over his head. Heads were being bounced off walls, cries of pain filled the small room, and Pierce and Marlow were torn off of him, their assailant showing them no mercy as he stabbed them over and over with a large hunting knife between their legs. He finally cut off their cocks and, to Levi's horrified and yet fascinated eyes, he shoved them down their throats. He sliced Pierce's neck quickly, and then placed a heavy foot on Marlow's chest, before leaning down to bring his face close to the other man's.

"What's the matter?" the mysterious, shadowed figure said as he towered over him, "You're fine torturing a helpless child but can't handle it when someone hurts you? I thought sadomasochists love that sort of thing."

He pressed his blade up to Marlow's throat, and hissed softly, "I hear you have a pretty singing voice. So how about you sing for me?"

And with that, he sliced the man's neck from ear to ear, a wound that would ensure he'd die but not quickly. Marlow gurgled and gasped for breath, a sweet song indeed to his assailant's ears. Victorious, the shadowed figure stood up straight, taking his foot off of his chest, and spat, "Now rot in Hell where you belong."

He then turned away from him, and instead turned towards Levi. The small boy cowered against the bed for a moment, his body shivering from cold and fear. However, his shivers ceased when his savior pulled the blankets up from the bed and wrapped them around his tiny shoulders, effectively wrapping them around him and covering every inch of him.

"Who- Who are"- Levi began, and then gasped when he was met with a pair of green eyes only inches from his own. He knew those eyes, knew them as well as his own by now. Knew how they sparkled when they were filled with delight or dimmed when they were afraid. Knew how they looked at him with awe and affection every day, and he couldn't believe that they were here.

"Eren?" he whispered, hardly daring to believe it.

His boy grinned in response, and in the light Levi could see that he was miraculously free of any blood. He booped the end of Levi's nose, before the child leaped into his arms and hugged him close, wrapping his arms around his neck.

"You're here," he said breathlessly, "You saved me."

"Of course," Eren murmured, wrapping his arms around Levi and lifting him up from the bed, blankets and all, "You wished for a hero, didn't you? I'll always be your hero, Levi. Whatever you need me for, I'm here. I told you, I won't let anyone hurt you again."

Levi sobbed happily in relief, burying his face into Eren's neck and relishing the feeling of the warm skin and wonderfully woodsy smell that Eren had adopted since moving in with him. He smelled clean, like freedom and fresh air, like forests and wide open spaces.

He smelled like home.

With that, Eren took him from that room and led him down a hallway, before they were walking into the blinding sunlight. Levi closed his eyes and tipped his head back, letting it soak into his skin, and noticing that the deep red blankets wrapped around him were being stained a bright white as the sun touched them, accepting him into its loving embrace. He laughed in pure elation, Eren laughing right along with him.

And back in bed, Levi smiled softly in his sleep, snuggling back into Eren subtly. The boy sighed against the back of his neck, tightening his grip around his waist. Levi had been in the dark for so many years, but here at last was someone that was bringing him back into the sunlight, and that someone would make sure he'd never leave its embrace ever again.

000

_March 30:_

_I can't write much today, seeing as how it's Eren's birthday. The little craplet got me up at seven today, literally took a flying leap at the bed and wouldn't stop bouncing around until I got up. Kept asking me if I knew what day it was and I told him I did, then he told me to hurry up and get ready. Little shot in the ass…_

_Anyway, we do indeed have places to be. This is most likely Eren's first actual celebration of his birthday in ten years, and I just hope I make it special enough for him. I suppose this happening on his eighteenth birthday is fitting. He's leaving childhood behind and becoming an adult, and hopefully it'll be another symbol of how he's leaving his trauma in the past and moving forward from it. I guess we'll see. I know it's not that easy, but I know hitting my eighteenth birthday helped me slightly in that manner._

_Above all, I can't wait to see Eren's reaction to his present. I think the anticipation is killing him, especially since I've made him listen to various sanders and smell the stink of either polish or burning wood in the garage for the past couple of weeks, and every time he asked what was going on I'd tell him he'd find out on his birthday. I just hope he likes what I've been working on._

"Levi, everything's packed!" Eren called from the open front door, "Can we go _now?_ Please?"

"Yes, just grab some breakfast to take with you," Levi told him, putting the journal away and heading into the kitchen just in time to see Eren hastily grabbing a muffin and a banana, already taking a bite out of the banana before running outside again. The older man snorted at his enthusiasm, before following him out the door.

It was a gorgeous spring day, the sun already warm despite it being so early in the morning. It was slightly humid, but that was normal for this area. He noticed that Eren had taken the trouble to pull his car out of the garage and it was still running, the boy already in the passenger's seat and vibrating with excitement even as he wolfed down the remainder of his banana and started on his muffin. Levi was just glad he had been indeed paying attention when the older man had tried to explain the basics of driving to him, seeing as how Eren had never learned. He hopped into the driver's side, slammed the door, and pulled out of his driveway before heading onto the main road.

"So will you tell me where we're going now?" Eren asked, finishing his muffin and eyeing Levi eagerly.

"We're going to spend the day at Salmon River," Levi explained, "It's a state park. It's got hiking trails, a waterfall, a little field for picnicking…shouldn't be too many people there, and if there are, it's full of wide open space. I know I always feel less claustrophobic when I can see the sky. Sound good?"

He chanced a quick look in Eren's direction to see that the boy was positively glowing, his smile so wide it looked like it was going to split his face. "That sounds amazing!" he exclaimed, "And it's so nice out today! Thank you Levi, you're the best!"

Levi reached over and ruffled his hair, causing Eren to laugh in delight. That warmth was back, rising up his chest to tickle his throat, Eren's happiness more infectious than he thought possible.

"No problem, brat," he said simply, before turning his attention back to the road.

It was only about an hour drive that involved Eren singing along loudly to the music from Levi's ipod that he had attached to the car's stereo, and Levi couldn't fight the smirk or the desire to sing quietly along with him, delighted more than he'd like to admit that Eren seemed to not only like his music, but had listened to it so much that he knew the words to many of his songs. They alternated between that and staring out the window at the rolling rural scenery that passed them by, Eren excitedly asking pointing out farm animals or wildlife they passed, or pointing out oddly shaped clouds in the sky. Finally, when they reached Salmon River, the sun was higher in the sky, the light less yellow from the early morning and gradually growing whiter with the creeping mid-morning to early afternoon sunlight. Eren hopped out of the car before Levi even had the chance to fully park it, bouncing on the balls of his feet by the time Levi got out.

"Alright, easy, you," Levi cautioned, shaking his head fondly, "Grab your water bottle and we'll head out. The trail leading the falls isn't too long, but there are other trails leading around it. If you want to walk those, we can come back and grab some more, okay?"

Eren agreed, before tugging on his hands excitedly and pulling him in the direction of the trail that led to the falls.

The boy was instantly pulled into a spell that his surroundings seemed to weave over him. The heady scent of pine and damp soil exacerbated by the humidity rose up around them, and the overly oxygenated air made them feel dizzy in the best way possible. Eren stared in wonder down at his bare arms, watching the dappled sunlight pass over his tanned skin as he walked. Their surroundings were every shade of green imaginable, the sun lighting up the thick canopy of trees over their heads and down beside them and making the leave glow brightly. There was the echo of birdsong all around them, and even the cry of a hawk passing overhead. The leaves skittered off to their left, and Eren saw a chipmunk scramble onto a fallen log, before it caught sight of them and darted away.

Eren was utterly enchanted with the little forest already, and while Levi thought that it was indeed lovely, he was far more enchanted with the boy himself. His wide-eyed reaction to everything was breath taking, his innocent wonder with the simplest things so sweet that Levi practically felt himself melting at the sight. He was just so happy that Eren finally had the energy to act like this; he was almost at a healthy weight again, the appearance of his bones softened dramatically, his cheeks rounder, his eyes brighter and his hair shinier than ever. Physically, he was pretty much healed, and it was a huge step in the right direction. His reaction to his surroundings was also a step in the right direction. For now, gone was the child that cowered against Levi's side. Instead, this new Eren was actively seeking things out and interacting with the world around him, running his fingers over oddly shaped leaves, lifting up rotting logs to get a look at the centipedes and salamanders that were crawling around underneath. The color was high in his cheeks, and his laughter and excited commentary came easy.

He was so beautiful in his happiness that Levi's heart ached at the sight.

They reached the waterfall in a few short minutes, or rather, the top of the water fall. When he saw the water, Eren did not hesitate to pick his down towards the rocks that led into the gently moving rapids before taking off his shoes and dipping his toes in.

"S-Shit that's cold," he observed, shivering, but wading in slightly deeper anyway.

"Of course it is," Levi said dryly, "There was ice in this river a couple weeks ago. Take your feet out before they freeze off."

"But the water feels awesome rushing over my feet," Eren pouted with a slight whine, "I haven't stuck my feet in a river in ten years, do you really want to deny me this joy?"

"The joy of hypothermia? Of course not. Do whatever you want then, you're an adult now, I can't stop you. But if you freeze to death I'm not mourning your loss."

Eren laughed, before saying, "Fine, good luck finding someone else to reach things on the top shelf for you. Although you do look cute standing on a chair to get your cereal out of the cupboards."

"Eren, shut up before I drown you in that freezing cold water."

The boy only laughed harder, wading a little ways away from the shore until he was up to his ankles.

They spent the rest of the morning like that, Eren wandering around in the cold river, pointing out the minnows, frogs and crayfish that he'd find. He even found a water snake at one point and picked it up by the tail, showing it to Levi who'd backed away rapidly from it and told him to put it down before he got bit or contracted salmonella. Eren even at one point stopped near the edge of the waterfall to fathom at the sheer, massive drop that lay beyond his feet. It made him feel wonderfully small, and he knew he wouldn't forget the view in a hurry. They finally stopped for lunch, going back to the car and eating quickly, Eren far too excited to even stop for food. Although, he did savor and thank Levi profusely for the cinnamon and sugar donut the older man had packed into his lunch as a surprise, no matter how messy it made his pants the cinnamon sugar rained off the donut and into his lap with every bite. Soon enough, they were back in action, Eren deciding he wanted to walk some of the trails next. So off they went, each carrying a water bottle, until they reached the small field that branched off the main trails. It was no more than a dozen or so yards all around, but the wide, green open space laid under the bright blue backdrop of the sky had Eren's heart racing excitedly.

However, that excitement turned to apprehension when he saw a couple of people appear from the trees, just a few feet from where they stood. They were heading down the trail the opposite way, obviously on their way back from their hike. However, Eren didn't panic too badly, seeing as how there was the field to his left; he had an escape route if he needed it, and Levi was still standing right behind him. However, the man was quiet, just observing to see what Eren would do.

The boy's first impulse to move several feet away, but two things stopped him. First, the two newcomers were women, young women, about his age, so they didn't feel as threatening. And secondly, they were walking a small dog. The dog immediately captured his attention more than the women did. Its pointed ears were far too large for its foxy-looking head, and it trotted along happily on stubby little legs. Looking closer, Eren observed that it had no tail, and any tail that it might have had was covered under layers of fluff around its rump. It perked up when it caught sight of Eren and Levi, its ears pricking and its head tilting, going completely still, before it began to wag its whole butt, laid its ears back, rushing forward and pulling on its leash in its effort to run up and greet them.

"Oh, Willow, hey! Stay over here!" the girl holding the leash exclaimed. She glanced up at the two men apologetically. "Sorry, she thinks everyone we come across wants to pet her."

"Of course they do," Eren answered, surprising Levi thoroughly, "She's adorable."

He moved a little closer to the dog, drawn to its friendly face and wagging rump. Levi noticed that it looked like Eren was fighting the urge to reach out and pet it, that he would love nothing more in the world than to do so, but he was obviously too shy to do it. So, the older man decided to help him out.

"Eren, I'm sure if you asked, she'd let you pet her dog," he pointed out.

"Oh, right," the boy spoke haltingly, as if he'd never even considered that to be an option, "Um, is it okay if I pet her?"

The girl offered him a kind smile that her friend matched, before saying, "Of course you can, honey. Go ahead."

With that, Eren returned her smile, before kneeling down. The girl let the dog's leash go slack, and it immediately rushed up to Eren, putting its front paws on his knees and stretching up to kiss his nose. The boy laughed happily, reaching up to scratch behind her huge ears and watching the dog's nub of a tail wagging as hard as a nub possibly could. The scratching was pushing up fluffy skin rolls that bunch up around the small dog's face adorably, and Eren couldn't help but smile at how cute and squishy it made her look. The dog seemed to like his laugh and his smile, because it reached forward again and began kissing his face with more vigor.

"What kind of dog is that?" Levi asked, figuring Eren probably wanted to know.

"She's a Corgi," the girl answered.

"Never seen one of those before."

"They're not very common around here. I'm actually glad that's the first question you asked me, I mostly get asked where her tail is."

"She's so cute," Eren breathed, and looked up at the man still standing behind him. "Oh my God, Levi can we get one? Can we get twenty?"

Levi shook his head regretfully. "Sorry, kid. My job doesn't allow for pets. But someday when you're on your own, feel free to get as many as you'd like."

Eren pouted, before turning his attention back to the dog, and kissing the tip of her nose. That made Willow flop over like she was swooning, and lay on her back, exposing her fluffy belly for him to pet, which of course he couldn't resist doing. He got her leg kicking in no time, and it was then that Eren vowed to indeed own one of these dogs before he died.

Regretfully, they had to bid the girls adieu, and the two of them continued on, hiking for the rest of the day and only finally deciding to head back when both of them began to grow hungry. The drive back passed in a flash, Eren chattering excitedly the whole way about every amazing thing they had done, before he was hopping out of the car again and trotting beside Levi all the way up to the front door.

Dinner was over fast, with Eren receiving a small chocolate cake baked courtesy of Petra as an apology that she couldn't be there for his birthday. Well, there was that, and another gift she had given him, sneaking them to Levi on those rare chances when Eren wasn't glued to his side.

And speaking of gifts…

Once the last bite of cake was consumed, Eren moved into the living room, sitting on the couch and sighing happily. The excitement of the day was finally catching up with him, and combined with his full belly, the boy began to feel extremely sleepy. It took no time at all for his eyes to start drooping and his chin to begin to grow heavy, constantly dipping towards his chest before he snapped his head back up again. Once Levi finished clearing the table, he came into the living room, snorting when he saw Eren clearly drifting off.

"Hey, don't fall asleep yet," he said, "You're going to want your presents, aren't you?"

Eren jerked awake, the fog of sleep clearing from his head immediately. "Presents?"

"Yes, Eren, presents. It's your birthday. You didn't think we'd forget to get you presents, did you?"

Eren blinked at him, dumbfounded. "You didn't have to get me anything. You've already done more than enough"-

"Well, we did, and there's no returns in this house," Levi said, smiling, "Besides, I think you'll like what we got you too much to want to give them back."

So, left with no choice, Eren sat obediently on the couch while Levi disappeared into the back of the house, returning with two small presents, one in paper wrapping and the other in a little black bag tied with a drawstring. He sat on the couch next to Eren and handed him the slightly bigger one first.

"That one's from Petra," he explained, "She said she saw it and immediately thought of you."

Curious, Eren opened it, and gasped in joy when the wrapping fell away to reveal a small, stuffed fawn. It was only slightly bigger than Eren's hand, its fur overly soft and plush with black bead eyes. He smiled wide, glancing up at Levi excitedly, before exclaiming, "This is so cute! That was so thoughtful of her. I'm going to give her the biggest hug and thank you when I see her again."

Levi grinned in response, before handing him the other present, the little black bag. "That one's from me. This is the reason you heard all that noise coming from the garage these past couple of weeks. I hope all the noise was worth it, I think it came out the way I wanted it to."

"Wait, you made my present?" Eren asked, awed by the implication.

"Yeah," Levi answered nonchalantly, "I used to make lots of things like this back in the day. Helped me relax."

Eager to see what was inside now more than ever, the boy opened the drawstring on the back and tipped the bag upside down. A hard object fell into his palm, followed by the hemp cord that it was attached to, and belatedly Eren realized that the object was a necklace. However, upon closer inspection, he realized that this was no ordinary necklace. It had clearly been worked on by hand, as Levi had suggested. The thick but light stone attached to the cord was polished and shiny, the edges sanded smooth. However, looking at the rings in the center, Eren figured out that it wasn't a stone at all, but a chunk of deer antler. On the front of the antler, an intricate tree had been burned into the front, its branches and roots wild and swirling, the roots at the bottom twisting at the bottom into something Eren recognized as a Celtic trinity knot. Lifting up the back of the antler, Eren saw that a word had been inscribed there, but he had no idea what it said.

Seeing his confused expression, Levi explained for him. "Troid.' It's Celtic for 'fight.' Which is what you've been doing since the day I met you. The tree on the front is called the tree of life, popular symbol for Celtic lore. It's supposed to symbolize how all life is connected. My mom tells me we have a lot of Irish in our blood, and in my darkest times that symbol has helped me a lot. It's reminded me that no matter how awful my problems are, they're insignificant in the grand scheme of things. My problems mean nothing to the stars in the sky, or the deer that pass by outside in the woods, or the leaves that fall from the trees. It's always made me feel better, like someday, somehow, this darkness too will pass. That word on the back is from me to you, to remind you no matter what, no matter how horrible or difficult things become, I want you to keep fighting. To be brave. Because you are, Eren. You're so brave…"

Eren was in shock, unable to breathe, unable to do anything but clench Levi's gift tightly in his hand and hold it to his chest, overcome by the symbolism of the necklace and the meaning behind his words. Quickly, far too quickly, he felt tears sting his eyes, before he shook his head.

"I'm not brave," he denied, trying to look anywhere but Levi's face, "I'm not brave at all. You've seen me at my worst. How can you possibly think I'm brave after that?"

"That's exactly _why_ I think you're brave," Levi insisted, gently opening Eren's hand and taking the necklace. He adjusted the hemp cord so that it would fit over his head, before he slipped it around the boy's neck. He tightened the cord and straightened it so that the antler was settled square over Eren's breast bone, right above his heart, "Because I have seen you at your worst, kid, at the moments where you just want to die, where you have no hope of ever getting better, and yet you get back up and keep fighting. That's beyond amazing, and you don't give yourself nearly enough credit for accomplishing something so incredible."

Eren continued to shake his head, wiping at his eyes. "I'm only able to because I have you here with me. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't even try."

With that, Levi carefully but firmly took the boy's upper arms, forcing him to face him, before saying, "Listen to me, Eren. Maybe what you say is true, maybe it's not, but that's not important. What's important to me is getting you to see the person I see every day. To me, you _are_ brave. You're brave, and strong, and so vibrant. God, I couldn't get over how happy you were today in that park, like nothing had ever been wrong in your life. And the fact that you can act like that at all after what happened to you is what makes you so strong."

He reached up to softly brush the backs of his fingers against Eren's cheek, the boy keeping his eyes on Levi's, the tears still flowing freely.

"You're beautiful too, Eren," the older man continued, "You're so beautiful that it breaks my heart. You're so courageous that I'm in awe of you, and so kind to me. In my opinion I've done nothing to deserve it. I'm just a broken coward pretending to be stronger than I really am. I don't deserve any kind words or the admiration you have for me. But that doesn't matter, because for as long as you'll let me help you, I wi"-

Levi was sure he could have gone on for another hour about how he didn't deserve any affection from anyone, and surely not someone as special as Eren. However, he wasn't going to get the chance, not tonight, or any other night. The boy was sick of hearing this speech, sick of the man giving so much and telling him how wonderful he was without receiving any of those same beautiful words in return. And Eren knew he could wax poetry for hours about how amazing Levi was, but he also knew the words wouldn't do any good. Levi wouldn't believe any of them. So he was left with only one choice.

He had to _show_ him how much he meant to him.

So, he lifted a hand to the back of the other man's neck, grasping it gently and pulling him forward, before he leaned towards him and softly pressed his lips against Levi's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "wild rose."


	13. Kricket

Time froze.

The instant Eren's lips met his, the minutes stretched into eons and one hundred years seemed to pass by in a blink. Levi's eyes widened for a brief moment as his thoughts began to race, before they began to scatter into white fragments and then ceased. His mind filled with blissful nothingness, so overwhelmed that it simply shut down, and his brain became a mere life support system for his twitching heart, everything inside of him shuddering in unison. The only coherent sensation he could process was the feeling of Eren's lips on his own, and the sight of that face attached so intimately to his.

He saw that the boy's cheeks were flushed darkly, and that the blush continued all the way to his ears. However, he only got a small glimpse, because a moment later, Levi felt his eyes slipping closed. His consciousness seemed to flee and something else took over. He belatedly recognized it as that warm, tingly feeling he got whenever Eren did something he found endearing, except how it was magnified tenfold, screaming in triumph and urging him to reciprocate the affections of the boy that now took up most of the room in his heart.

So Levi did.

Slowly, as if he were dreaming, Levi began to move his lips against Eren's, the sensitive skin tingling like crazy. He felt Eren sigh in relief against his lips, before the boy parted for breath for a second, and then came back again, this time tilting his head slightly, trying to deepen the kiss. And Levi let him, feeling his head tilt the opposite way and also feeling the tips of their noses brush together as they did so. He registered Eren's hand groping for his, the boy searching for reassurance, and Levi gripped his hand softly.

Slowly, Levi began to realize that kissing Eren felt _good_ , good beyond his wildest imagination of how a kiss was supposed to make one feel. It felt easy, as easy as breathing, and warm, so very, very warm. It felt right, like this was where he was supposed to be from the beginning. It was as if his heartbeat didn't make sense until it had found the reason it was beating for, and that person had touched his lips to his. He was meant to be here, by Eren's side, drowning in how good this kiss felt and eagerly anticipating the next one-

And with a start, Levi realized that was a huge problem. This kiss shouldn't feel good at all, shouldn't feel as right and sweet as it did. It was…

They couldn't do this.

Levi backed away reluctantly, their lips separating with a soft sound. However, Eren, who still his hand gently gripping the back of the older man's neck and his eyes closed in bliss, assumed he was just parting for another breath, and a second later, he was trying to pull him back in for another kiss. He didn't ever want to stop kissing him, his own mind reeling and his lips tingling. He would sit here for the rest of the night kissing this man if he let him, anything to keep himself suffocating under the heady cloud of elation that had settled over him. His eyes had traveled to Levi's lips so many times, wondering what they might taste like, and now he finally knew, and he wanted more, so much more-

"Eren."

That simple apprehensive murmuring of his name threw a cold bucket of water over the cozy sense of desire burning in his chest. He leaned away from Levi's face enough to look him in the eye, his own eyes wrought with concern, searching the other man's gaze for what could possibly be wrong. But Levi was refusing to meet his eyes, looking down at the floor off to the right instead.

"Eren, go to your room," the older man stated quietly after a moment.

The boy felt his stomach drop harshly, and his heart began to pound. Fear and hurt began to tear through him, visceral and nauseating. Tears welled up in his eyes rapidly, and he shook his head in denial, whispering, "No, no no no no, please no, please Levi, don't."

He took his hand back from the back of the other man's neck, and instead grabbed both of his hands in a beseeching gesture. But still, Levi repeated firmly, "Go to your room."

"Levi, no," Eren begged, "Please don't, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again, just don't do this."

Confused, he looked up at Eren, and that was when he saw the tears flowing in earnest down his cheeks, his nose and cheeks red with his crying, expression crumpled, ruined and desperate. However, he didn't get to look for long, because in the next instant the boy was flinging himself at him, clinging to Levi like he might slip away at any second, and with a painful thud of his heart, he realized that was exactly what Eren was afraid of. He wasn't just upset over Levi's apparent rejection of his kiss. He was terrified that Levi was rejecting him altogether, that now that he knew of Eren's true feelings for him, he might not want anything to do with him anymore. The tears soaking his shoulder and the desperate, almost painful squeeze of Eren's arms around him confirmed his suspicions. And he was right; more than anything, almost on the same level of his fear of Nile, Eren had developed the vicious, crippling fear of losing Levi. He would do anything to prevent that from happening, even bury his feelings for the man.

"Oh, Eren, no," Levi soothed, wrapping his arms securely around him, "No, shh, shh, don't cry. Don't cry, it's okay. It's not what you think, I…I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here, I'm not leaving you. I'll never leave you, I said that, didn't I? No matter what. Shhhh…"

Eren shuddered in his arms for a few minutes, taking deep, harsh breaths, trying to stop the tears and calm himself down. He backed out of the embrace, furiously wiping at his eyes with the heel of his hand, willing his hammering heart to ease. He was too embarrassed to look Levi in the eye, but did so a moment later when he felt the man's hands cup his face in his hands, thumbs gently wiping away the remaining streaks of his tears.

"I'm right here," he repeated, "And I-I'm sorry, you just startled me is all. I wasn't expecting, um, that."

Sniffling, Eren brightened the tiniest bit, a sliver of hope returning to his heart. "S-So…does that mean-did you, you know, like it?"

Levi opened and shut his mouth a few times, unsure how to reply, before he finally said in the quietest of admissions, his cheeks turning slightly pink, "I think I did."

Eren brightened further, a hint of an excited smile forming on his face. But before he could say anything, the other man added, "And that's exactly the problem."

"Why?" the boy wanted to know immediately, "What's the problem? Is it because of the age difference? Levi, trust me, I wanted to kiss you long before tonight, but I waited until my birthday so it wouldn't be a problem."

"No. I mean, the age gap should bother me, but it doesn't. That's not the issue here, Eren. The issue is my job. I'm supposed to be taking care of you, helping you prepare for a life on your own someday. No matter how each of us may feel, pursuing a relationship, a romantic one, could get us both in big trouble. I could lose my job, and you could get shipped off to another home, or worse, be sent straight to Hutchings if they had probable cause, and we're already treading on thin ice in that area. We can't risk it, Eren."

The boy's eyes had begun dimming all the while Levi had been speaking, and now his eyes filled with tears again, his lower lip wobbling as he tried to hold himself together. Levi's chest ached at the sight, and he felt his own throat tightening with the threat of tears at both what he was saying and the knowledge that he was causing his brave, beautiful Eren so much pain. He didn't want to do this to him, not in a million years. Part of him, more than anything, did want to kiss him again, just to validate that it would feel as good as the first time did. Another part of him wasn't sure of his own feelings. He knew they were there, but he wasn't sure how deep they ran. Either way, they couldn't afford to find out, not if they wanted to stay together.

"But," Eren tried again, his voice cracking under the strain of his tears, "But I don't care about any of that. I mean, I do, I don't want to be separated from you but…dammit Levi, for years, all I ever wanted was my freedom. I thought if I got that, I'd never want for anything else again. Then you came along and had to fuck everything up. You had to be amazing, and make me feel safe and happy, you had to treat me right and be as broken as I was so that I knew we were on equal ground. You had to comfort me as often as I did you and let me know I was helping you as much as you were helping me. You had to be so sweet and careful with me, and so beautiful that I couldn't take it. You made me want you, as badly as I wanted freedom back then. You made me want to kiss you, to stay by your side for as long as I could and keep making you happy as long as you'd let me. You ruined me in a way I've never been ruined before. You ruined me in a way everyone should be. I…Levi, please. Can't we try?"

Levi took a deep breath, Eren's words sinking in and cutting him deeply. He had no idea the boy felt this way about him, and it disturbed him how similar they were to his feelings for him. He wanted to tell the kid that; the words were on the tip of his tongue, to tell him how Levi had never had anyone in his life like him before, that part of him wanted to say fuck the Wings of Freedom and give Eren his very heart and soul in return for all he had done for him. It was the least he deserved. But his fear of losing the boy was too harsh, too prominent and all consuming. They couldn't do this, and he'd have to tell him so.

No matter how sick the words made him feel on the way out.

"No," he said hoarsely, "I'm sorry, Eren. I'm so sorry."

The boy lowered his head in defeat, and he seemed to shrink right in front of Levi's eyes. It was such a stark contrast to how he had been the rest of the day, vibrant and loud and breaching something resembling confidence. He had been so happy, and now he almost looked like the frightened child Levi had first brought into his home again. If it was possible, his heart broke even more, especially when he saw the boy's sobs begin to shake his shoulders. Wanting to make it better but not knowing if Eren wanted him to touch him right now, he tentatively laid his hands on the boy's shoulders. But of course, Eren would never reject him. He'd follow Levi wherever he went, be that just across the street or to the edge of the Earth, as long as the man would have him. He'd take whatever he was offered, whether that was a kiss or a hug or just a kind glance, either one would make him the happiest person in the world. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Levi's shoulder, and the man held him and rocked him back and forth, rubbing a hand across the expanse of his back.

"It's okay, Eren," he assured him, "It'll be okay. We'll get through this. We've been through worse, right?"

Eren, to his relief, nodded against him, though it seemed halfhearted. Of course it was. The boy didn't want what Levi was proposing, not at all. He would do it, Levi had no doubts, but he could only imagine what this was going to do to Eren's psyche in the coming days and weeks. Hell, what it was going to do to his own psyche as well. But that was a worry for later. For now, as he promised, he wasn't going anywhere. No matter what happened between them, that would never change.

000

It turned out Levi didn't have to wait long.

For a while, everything seemed to carry on as normal, until one morning a couple days later, when Levi shuffled in for breakfast at around seven and caught sight of Eren balled up on the couch under a quilt in the living room. First, he was surprised. What on Earth was the kid doing out here so early in the morning? Then, he grew concerned. Eren was clearly asleep, though from the way he was breathing, shallow and further up in his chest, he was clearly just dozing. That fact was confirmed when his eyes fluttered open at the sound of Levi's soft, padded footsteps, and he turned his head in the other man's direction.

"Morning," he said, voice thick with sleep.

"Hey kid," Levi greeted him from the doorway to the kitchen, "You okay? What are you doing in here this early in the morning?"

The boy's eyes flicked to the side, refusing to meet Levi's gaze. He finally answered after a minute of playing with a few stray threads on the quilt, "I, um…I had an accident last night. Took the sheets off my bed and came in here. Couldn't really fall back asleep after that."

"You…oh Eren," Levi sighed sadly, making his way over to the couch and sitting on it beside him. He reached a hand out and laid it on the side of his face, stroking the boy's cheek. It was then that he felt that it was a bit warmer than normal, and the uncomfortable worry in his stomach grew. "You feel like you have a fever too."

"Hmm, yeah," Eren mumbled, hiding his face a little under the blankets, "Took my temperature last night. It's not bad, only a degree or so over. I barely feel it, my head's just a little fuzzy."

"Why didn't you come and get me up?" Levi wanted to know, "I could have helped you. You could have gotten in bed with me if you wanted. This couch isn't that comfortable for sleeping on."

"I don't even know how I got it," the boy defended, and then added, "And I um, I didn't want to bother you, it was early in the morning. Besides, I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself."

The older man opened his mouth to argue, but then shut it again. The look in Eren's eyes, hollow and defensive, told him he wasn't going to get anywhere if he pushed it, even though he wanted to say that he didn't care about the time of day, Eren could come and get him any time he wanted. The boy knew that, had done it several times already. So what made this time so different?

"Alright Eren," Levi relented, removing his hand from the side of his face and standing up slowly, "If you're sure you're okay. If you need me, you know I'll be around. I'm going to make some breakfast. Come in if you want some, alright?"

"Sure."

When he left Eren's side and walked into the kitchen, suddenly it hit him. Eren didn't want to bother him because, even though Levi had told him it was okay, he didn't feel as if he were allowed to anymore. Even though he had reassured Eren that no matter what happened between them, he'd always be there for him, Eren still felt rejected on some level. He was pushing Levi away, not because he wanted to, but because perhaps he felt Levi was uncomfortable being around him, and didn't want to make the situation worse. He didn't feel as if he was entitled to Levi's comfort anymore and it broke the older man's heart when it was the complete opposite of the truth. The bed wetting and the fever might also have been caused by the stress of the rejection, of thinking he couldn't cuddle up to Levi anymore when he was scared, only making his anxiety worse in turn.

His suspicions were only confirmed over the next week and a half, when almost every morning, he'd walk into the kitchen to see Eren huddled up on the couch, and he didn't have to ask to know what had happened. His fever also remained steady, not growing higher or going away.

However, what really began to worry Levi was the fact that the boy beginning to refuse food again.

The first morning he had refused breakfast, he had just assumed the fever was making Eren a little queasy. And then he had declined breakfast again the next day, and the breakfast and lunch the day after, until Levi didn't remember the last time he had eaten a full meal. The worst feeling in the world was having to go to Eren's bedside, get on his knees and beg the boy to have some soup, or some toast, anything, as long as it went in his belly. The boy relented and did have something, but it became a ritual over that week, that he wouldn't eat unless Levi asked him to, saying he just didn't have an appetite anymore.

And worse, Levi could feel his own appetite fleeing as well.

That week seemed to last for an eternity. Levi didn't sleep anymore, his anxiety returning with a vengeance and making relaxing enough to fall asleep impossible, and his stomach clenched at the sight or smell of food. And from the dark circles under Eren's eyes, he knew he was having similar problems. But he never sought Levi out for comfort, instead trying to deal with it on his own and obviously failing miserably. Both of them were so exhausted and anxious that it was ruining their appetites, and Levi was itching so badly to pull Eren into his arms and let him know that everything was okay, but he didn't think it would do any good at this point.

Worst of all, Levi had no idea how to fix this.

This was becoming one of those instances where, more than anything, he wished his mom was still alive so that he could ask her what he should do. As Eren grew more distant, he began to feel emptier and colder than he had in a long time, and he wanted his mom to fill the void, to hold him and let him know that everything would be alright. He began to want her back so badly that it ached, and he couldn't remember feeling like this since the first few years after he had lost her. It was getting out of hand.

So one morning, just as the sun began to rise, he got up and got dressed, not even bothering to try and eat anything, and grabbed a sticky note from the kitchen, scribbling a message on it quickly.

_Eren,_

_Went to cemetery to visit my mom's grave. Should be back in an hour, two at the most._

He then quietly circled around to the side of the couch and left the note on the side table next to it, knowing Eren was sure to see it when he woke up. He regarded the boy sadly, noticing that he was already beginning to lose some of the roundness in his face that they had worked so hard to put there, and that he looked quite pale save for the soft fever flush that still lingered in his cheeks. At least right now he looked like he was actually sleeping deeply, at least for a little bit. So, Levi felt safe briefly caressing the side of his face with the backs of his fingers and brushing some stray strands of hair out of the way that had settled in front of Eren's eyes. The boy sighed in his sleep, pushing his face subtly closer into Levi's hand at the touch with a soft murmur of the man's name. His heart fluttered sadly in response, and with one final caress, he was grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

The cemetery where Kuchel was buried was no more than a half hour away, and as he drove there, Levi took in the warm colors of the sunrise bleeding across the sky, the light gaining strength and warmth as the sun rose higher above the mountains. He felt the sunlight join him in the car once he rounded a bend, and the orange light warmed him everywhere it touched. There were also several deer wandering along the sides of the road, having probably just emerged looking for new spring shoots. He had to stop at one point for a doe and a couple of her fawns to cross the street, before he found himself pulling into the cemetery and stopping by the plot where he knew his mother's headstone resided.

Once he got out of the car, he weaved around a few other rows of headstones before he found it. It was simple and black, with nothing but her name on it and the years of her birth and her death. Anyone who could see it could see that she was young when she had died, and anyone who had watched the news probably knew who she was. In fact, it wasn't unusual for him to come here and find flowers on her grave that he hadn't placed there himself. He thought it was sweet, showing that other people sympathized with her and wanted her to rest peacefully. It was the least she deserved after her ordeal. Part of Levi wished he could rest with her, was resentful that he was still alive when so many had died. Survivor's guilt, his therapist had assured him. It was no wonder he had it, considering he was in fact the only person that had survived his captivity, and technically he wasn't have supposed to.

Not having any proper flowers with him, and seeing as she already had a bouquet of them laid against her grave anyway at the moment, Levi kneeled down and placed a bundle of lavender at the base of her headstone. His mother had always smelled like lavender before their captivity, and he knew she loved it.

"Hey mom," he whispered, though there was no need. There was no one else in the cemetery this early in the morning, "I know it's earlier in the year than I normally visit, but don't worry, I'll be back Memorial Day again to see you. I just, now, I'm having a bit of a problem. Well, not a bit of a problem, a huge one. God, where do I start?"

And that was when he launched into his tale, explaining everything from how Eren had first come to the Wings of Freedom, to his progress both physically and mentally, to how they had begun to grow closer and closer as the months had gone on, and finally how they had kissed and then how Levi had explained to him why they couldn't be together.

"And now we're both a mess," he finished with a hollow laugh, "I know why too, and yet I haven't done anything to fix it. Isn't that messed up? We're both hurting by distancing ourselves from each other, and yet we can't risk being together the way Eren wants to. The way I…I want to. Yeah, I think I want him in the same way. I've realized that now, being apart from him. I need him the same way he needs me, and everything he said…he was right, he ruined me in the best way possible too. Ruined me from ever being able to be apart from him again, or not being able to see him anything less than perfectly happy. Goddamn it, this can't be healthy, but who cares. I need my Eren back. But we can't…mom, if anyone found out, he'd be taken away from me, no questions asked, and I might never see him again."

He bowed his head and placed a hand on her headstone, tracing the letters of her name, before asking desperately, "What the hell should I do? Either way, we'll lose. Shit, this is why I need you here. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you, mom. I'm so sorry. I still love you so much."

After a moment, he leaned back to sit on his heels, wiping his eyes. He stayed sitting there for a bit longer, simply taking comfort in the small physical presence that was left of his mother, still wishing desperately that she would appear and take him into her arms, call him cricket, tell him that he was strong, that he could get through this like he got through everything else. Hell, this was nothing compared to his time as a captive. Still, it hurt, and it hurt worse knowing that he didn't have his mother to help him like everyone else had theirs.

Just then, he heard a soft, peeping noise below him, and he recognized the sound of a cricket before he even saw it physically hop up onto his mother's headstone. Levi noticed that they tended to congregate around his mother's headstone whenever he was here, and that thought alone comforted him. However, it was quite early in the year for them to be out, so how did this one get here? A moment later, he found he didn't really care when it began to rub its legs together and resume its song, the song that always reminded him of late, heady summer nights, of fireflies and tree frogs and cicadas, and more importantly, he and his mother sitting in the tall, warm grass and admiring all of these things.

"Crickets sing so nicely," she'd observed wistfully while holding Levi in her lap and placing her chin on top of his head, "Perhaps I should have named you that instead?"

Levi had scrunched up his nose in distaste at the suggestion. "Yuck, no thanks. I don't want to be named after a bug."

"Well, like it or not," she had said, "You and they have some things in common."

"Like what?"

"You're both small, you both make me feel happy, you're both been good luck for me, and you both have the prettiest singing voices."

In the present, Levi's eyes widened suddenly, and for a moment, he simply stared at his mother's name in front of him as realization set in. Of course, that was the advice his mother would give him if she were still here. It was her answer for when anything got rough for him, for when he had given up all hope in that bunker.

 _Sing_.

Quickly, he rose from his spot, thanking his mom and promising once again that he'd back soon, before striding away and hopping back into his car, leaving the tiny cricket that still sat on his mom's grave to continue its song in peace.

000

When Levi got home, he tried to be as quiet as possible as he made his way through the front door, considering the living room lay beyond it, but it appeared it didn't matter. Eren wasn't there on the couch anymore. However, upon closer inspection, he could see the brown tuft of his hair peaking above the rim of the short wall that separated the living room from the kitchen, and after he took off his shoes and coat and made his way into the kitchen, he could see that the boy was sitting down at the table. However, his heart dropped into his stomach when he saw that the boy's head was bowed, being held up by one hand on his forehead, and caught the glimmer of tears on his cheek. One tear even dripped onto the table, before he realized Levi was there and hastily began to wipe them away.

"Hey," Eren greeted him, trying in vain to cover up the fact that he had been crying, "Have a good visit with your mom? It's pretty nice out now. Sat and watched the deer eating in the front yard for a bit."

"Yeah, I did. You're right, it's pretty out this morning," Levi replied, failing to cover up his concern. God, Eren was a wreck, physically and mentally. He looked like a ghost, and now acted like one too, too awkward to engage in anything but small talk with the older man anymore.

His mind was made up; he had to do this. And he had to do it now before both of them got worse.

"Eren," he said, "Come into the living room with me."

The boy blinked in confusion, his eyes still red with the evidence of his crying. "For what?"

"I just want to try something. Do you trust me?"

Eren nodded, and said without hesitation, "Yeah. Okay."

He then got up from the table and followed Levi into the middle of the floor, standing there awkwardly for a moment before the older man came up closer to him and pulled the boy's arms carefully around his waist. Once he was sure he wasn't going to let go, he then placed his arms around Eren's neck. The boy raised an eyebrow, opening his mouth to ask him what was going on, but Levi cut him off with a somewhat shy request, cheeks turning pink as he asked, "Dance with me?"

Taken completely off guard, Eren simply nodded stupidly with a stuttering reply of, "S-Sure. But we don't have any music."

Levi just shrugged. "Minor detail. I'll sing something."

Eren just nodded again, not knowing what was going on, but not questioning it, not when Levi had brought their bodies so close together, when his palms were so solidly holding the other man's slim waist, and certainly not when his arms were wrapped comfortably around Eren's neck. His heart began to thud excitedly, picking up speed when Levi began to move them aimlessly, not really dancing so much as comfortably swaying.

And his heart stopped altogether when he caught the words of the song Levi began to sing.

"Hello pretty one

with eyes like the sea,

come and dance with me,

come and dance with me.

Hello pretty one

with eyes like the sea,

dance on the waves with me."

This song…Eren knew this song. Like a forgotten dream, suddenly he remembered the sound of Levi's voice cutting through his panic in the hospital the day they met. He remembered how his affection for the man had begun even then, just a tiny spark born out of curiosity about this stranger who had taken Eren into his home. And in time, his affection had grown until it warmed every inch of him, made it so that Levi's face and voice were enough to keep him going when nothing else could.

And then he had to screw it up.

"I'll dance with you

upon the waves,

come and fly with me,

come and fly with me.

I'll dance with you

upon the waves

and give you my first kiss."

His first kiss with Levi had been his first kiss ever; Nile had never kissed him, nor had anyone else. Eren found that even though he had been rejected, he'd never regret that. It was hard to regret a first kiss that one shared with someone whom they admired and trusted, who made them happy. No matter where he went in life, he'd treasure it like nothing else.

"Oh lovely one

so close to me,

say you'll stay with me,

say you'll stay with me.

Oh lovely one

so close to me,

you took my heart with your lips."

Levi trailed off after that, and slowly, they stopped dancing, the older man choosing instead to hide his face in Eren's shoulder, rearranging his arms so that they came up under the boy's arms and his hands rested on his shoulder blades. He felt Levi take a deep, shaking breath, felt his warm exhale through his clothes and heat up his skin, and he tried hard to suppress a shiver. His stomach doing somersaults, and he could feel his cheeks heating up in a way that had nothing to do with his fever. They stood like that for a solid minute, Levi trying to work up the courage to say something, and Eren simply soaking in the feeling of the other man's body against his, afraid that it might be the last time he'd ever want to hold Eren like this.

At last, he lifted his head, and to Eren's surprise, there was a soft, sad smile on his face.

"Eren," he said, and it sounded almost like the way he said his name when he was about to tell the boy to go to his room, that they couldn't risk something like this, no matter what their feelings for each other might be. Eren braced himself, waiting for the words that would shatter his heart irreparably. He gripped Levi's waist a little tighter, finding himself savoring every detail about the man that he could while he had this one, final chance; his warmth, his smell, the slight hint of blue in his dark eyes, the way his hair always fell in front of his eyes in a way that made Eren want to brush it out of his face constantly.

He knew he'd never feel this way about anyone again.

"Who are we kidding?"

Eren drew in a soft, sharp intake of breath, and stared at Levi, wide-eyed, his heart freezing once more in his chest. However, it kicked into overdrive again once the man leaned forward, his eyes closing, and touched their lips together. The boy's eyes fluttered shut after a moment, and his surroundings ceased to exist.

In unison, their minds turned to warm mush as their thoughts lost their meaning, and they each found their place in the world. Sure, they had been by each other's side since the beginning, but everything seemed to click into place when Levi acknowledged the fact that his feelings ran as deeply for Eren as the boy's ran for him. This kiss made him feel the same way the last one had, only far more intensely so. He discovered then that he was meant to care about him in every sense of the word. They were meant to cling to each other and never let go, to desire each other as hard as they were able to, and they were meant to do it to spite all the evil that had been inflicted upon them. Levi softly caressed Eren's face, cupping his cheeks in his hands, and carefully tilted his head, deepening the kiss. Eren tilted his head the opposite way, gripping Levi tighter around the waist.

When they had no choice but to part for a breath, Eren was left a panting, giggling mess, his face bright red. Levi was in a similar state, minus the laughing, but he was unable to wipe the smile from his face.

"Really?" Eren asked, his voice awash with childish hope.

"Yeah." And Levi leaned forward for another kiss, this one much shorter and chaster, but no less sweet. "I'm so sorry, Eren. I'm sorry for putting you through this. I thought it would be the better option, but then I figured no matter what we choose, we'll be unhappy, so I figured this would make us less unhappy."

"No I know, I understand," the boy assured him, "I just…I can't believe it. You-you're…wow."

"Yeah?" Levi questioned teasingly, "That good of a kisser, huh? Last time you kissed me was my first kiss, you know. I can't be that good."

Eren just laughed and gently brought his head closer so that their foreheads touched, holding Levi's face in his finally un-bandaged hands while the man wrapped his arms back around his neck. They didn't kiss, or say anything for a moment; they just breathed each other in, warm, sweet affection dripping like honey down their throats and coating their hearts.

"We'll have plenty of time to practice now though, won't we?" Eren finally asked, "Kissing, I mean?"

Levi laughed softly, his breath tickling Eren's lips and making them tingle without him even touching them, and said, "I wouldn't mind that."

And with that, he set to make good on that statement, kissing Eren again, not seeing the cricket that crept onto the hearth by his woodstove, nor did he hear its soft, sweet, approving chirping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "cricket," if that wasn't obvious lol. I do hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, I find writing romance to be very difficult, hence why I write so much violence instead, heh.


	14. Mein Ganzes Herz Kann Sehen

Surprisingly, very little changed for Eren and Levi after they laid their feelings at each other's feet. Not much had to. They already acted like an old married couple with how freely they touched and cuddled with each other. The only difference was that now they could kiss each other whenever they wanted. And oh, if Levi had thought Eren was affectionate before, it was nothing compared to the creature he had transformed into after their first mutual kiss. It seemed like every time Levi turned around, he was being pulled in for another one, and then another one, and then one more, no wait one more. The boy was certainly making good on his promise to make sure they got better at it.

Eren, for his part, had noticed to his utter elation, something shift within Levi. Ever since he had made his feelings clear to him and Levi had made it clear that he felt the same way, the other man had begun to act younger and more carefree. In fact, he seemed to be acting every inch the love struck teenager than Eren was, pulling the boy in for just as many kisses and cuddles and whispered endearments as Eren did to him. It was as if he was making up for lost time, acting like a teenager with his first crush because he never had the chance to before.

A few days later found them out in the backyard enjoying the lovely evening. The sun was beginning to set over the mountains, shrouding the world in twilight and blurring the outlines of everything in warm, smoky smells and burnt, mellow reds of fading light. They lay in the grass beside each other, talking about nothing and everything, when a thought suddenly occurred to Levi.

"Doesn't it surprise you that we don't mind kissing?" he said, "I mean, I feel like it should bother us considering everything we went through. You know?"

To his surprise, Eren nodded beside him, turning his head to the side towards Levi. The other man noticed the movement and turned his head as well to meet Eren's gaze, before the boy answered, "I do. And I think I understand why. Our abusers took everything else from us, but they never kissed us. Guess it was too intimate for them."

Levi found himself nodding slowly in agreement. "Right. Kissing is more about affection, less about control and causing pain. I'm just glad they didn't ruin it for us. You're right, they took a lot away from us, but they managed to leave us with the option of who our first kiss would be."

"Mmm, and I picked a damn good one," Eren observed, propping himself up on his elbows and leaning down to kiss him, Levi snorting at his comment and then humming in approval with their lips met. He reached up and held the base of Eren's skull, gently sliding his fingers in between silky strands of hair. When they separated, Levi gave Eren's upper lip a playful lick, and the boy laughed softly. He then lay back down, scooting a little closer to him, feeling Levi's hand shift from the back of his head to the side of his face, resting on his cheek. His smile only widened when he felt the man begin to idly stroke his hair, his palm warm and heavy. In return, he lay a hand on Levi's chest, idly playing with the collar of his shirt. It was sitting low today, exposing the milky column of the man's throat and even the bony protrusions of his collar bone. Eren found himself biting his lip in response to the sight, and it took a huge effort not to run his fingers over that pretty bit of exposed skin.

"God, how did I get so lucky?" Eren whispered, "What Fate loved me enough to throw me your way? It almost makes all the hell I went through with Nile worth it, because it led me to you."

Levi's breath caught in his throat at those words, and he coughed, trying to cover it up, though he couldn't cover up the blush that flooded his face. Funny enough, he could feel the soft skin under his fingers heating up as well, and he replied, "I daresay that I think the shit I endured was almost worth it for the same reason. I've had a lot of stuff happen to me in these fifteen years since I was freed, but I think you're the best thing that's happened to this mess masquerading as a human being."

Eren nuzzled his hand in response, too speechless to form a reply. Instead, with a soft grin, Levi sat up and placed a hand in the grass on either side of the boy's head, his body hovering over his. Before he went any further, he asked, "Is this alright?"

"Is what alright?" Eren wondered.

"Me being over you like this. I don't want you to feel trapped or anything."

The younger man shook his head. "No, you're fine. As long as you don't hold me down, it's okay."

"Oh no, no," Levi assured him, leaning down, "No, I'd never do anything like that. Just thought I'd ask, since being pinned down makes me nervous too."

"Okay, I'll remember that," he promised, and then grinned when his eyes flickered down to those full, pink lips hovering so close to his own, requesting impishly, "Please kiss me again?"

And Levi did, slow and sweet, lowering his body so that their chests were pressed flush against each other, so that every breath Eren took was felt by Levi and in fact lifted and lowered him slightly. The soft, high pitched sounds their lips made as they moved together was music to their ears and made their bellies tingle pleasantly. Eren reached up to lightly grasp Levi's shoulders, before he began rubbing them to encourage him and attempt to pull him closer. When he did so, he felt Levi's lips curl into an amused smile against his. This time when they parted, their lips separating with a quiet noise, Eren leaned his head up and rubbed their noses together in an Eskimo kiss, sending a delighted shiver down Levi's spine.

When Levi propped himself up on his elbows again and backed away slightly to just look at Eren and contemplate once more how he had gotten so lucky, it in turn gave Eren the chance to observe him as well. The low light of the twilight was casting this otherworldly appearance on their surroundings, as if they were no longer in the realm of mortal men. Instead, Eren felt as if he had stumbled into the realm of the fae, and one of the legendary creatures had managed to seduce him, casting its dark eyes upon him and trapping him with a heady stare filled to the brim with warmth and longing. He seemed to be wearing the twilight itself, skin lit from within and smelling warm and earthy. Part of Eren wondered whether or not Levi was even real in that instant. Leaning forward as he was, some of the man's hair fell in front of his eyes, and Eren was pleased that he no longer had to suppress the urge to brush it out of his face, and reached up to do just that, pushing the hair away from his forehead. He marveled at the softness of it, and Levi's content expression at his actions heated his gut further.

"You're so beautiful," Eren breathed, "I know I've said that so many times already, but I think you might as well get used to it. You look like a fairy right out of the Welsh stories. You should probably be helping meadows grow and cursing families for letting their sheep trample all over your ancestral homeland, not wasting your time with a mortal like me."

Levi laughed and stroked Eren's cheek, saying, "Nah. With how pretty you are, there's no way you're mortal. I'd say you're more like an elf. Tall with eyes like springtime, a love for nature and wisdom few others in the world will possess. The question is, why are you wasting your time with _me_ when you should be off stargazing or scoffing at the stupidity of the human race?"

The boy snorted in response and Levi laid down fully onto his chest, resting his ear against Eren's heart, before he continued, "It's actually funny you mention that I look like a fairy. My first memories that I can recall are of me playing in this little grove near where we lived. Now, we lived in the city; we had to for my mom's, uh, work. But once in a while, she'd take me to this field outside of the city that had woods outlining the perimeter of it. It was always so green…mom said it looked like Ireland, or at least how she always imagined it. And I grew up on her stories about the Sidhe. She was a pagan, and she told me so many legends about fairies and their wars, and the stories of Finvarra and Oonagh, the fairy king and queen. I remember wanting to visit Finvarra's castle so badly. It sounded so beautiful from the way she described it. So whenever we went to the field, mom would read a book and keep an eye on me while I played in the woods near her, pretending I was Finvarra riding into battle. Sometimes I'd even look for fairies. When I couldn't find any though sometimes I'd build them little gardens out of whatever I'd find lying around, because mom always said if you gave them a suitable garden they'd come and dance in it."

"Is that why you tried making a garden here?" Eren wanted to know.

"Mhmm. It's a good fairy spot. That's what my mom would have called it. Fairy spots were places she thought fairies were most likely to visit. But I suppose this whole place is a good fairy spot. Lots of fairy flowers in the field back here, or at least there will be in summer. Um, my mom called certain flowers 'fairy flowers,' and those were any flower she thought fairies might enjoy above others. For her, those were things like sweet peas, peonies, irises, roses…things like that. I may have planted a few back there when the garden didn't work out. Figured I could turn the whole field into a fairy spot."

Eren felt his heart melting a little more with every word Levi spoke, the man endearing him further and further, and finally he sighed fondly, "Could you get any more amazing?"

Levi chuckled in response. "Really? You find my family's weird interest in fairies to be amazing?"

"Yes," the boy affirmed without hesitation, "It's charming and appealing. Like you."

Levi ducked his head bashfully, wondering if he'd ever get used to Eren complimenting his looks. He eventually mumbled, "Yeah, well, mom loved nature, and she passed that on to me. Some of the paganism rubbed off on me too, or at least what I remember of it. The sage and lavender I keep around the house is because of her. She'd keep a bundle of it over every doorway. Kept the energy in the room clean she said, calmed any restless spirits that might be lingering. That's also why I keep so many gemstones too, because my mother always kept them around to put positive energy in our space."

"What's your favorite gemstone?" Eren wanted to know.

The older man thought about it for a minute, before he answered, "Amethyst, I think. It's always made my heart the lightest when I've held it, or looked at it. Why, what about yours?"

"My favorites are your opals," the boy said, grinning, "They're gorgeous. It's like a whole rainbow trapped inside a pearl, and yet everyone says they're bad luck. They kind of remind me of you, actually. Misunderstood, but so full of light and sweetness and power. I can't really look at one without thinking of you, actually."

Levi was certain his face was going to remain red permanently at this point, and he groaned with no heat in his words, "You're too cute, kid. You're going to give me a cavity."

"I don't say anything I don't mean. So, anything else about Levi Ackerman and his love for fairies and gemstones and Ireland or anything related that I should know about?"

"Well…" he pulled up a blade of grass and began worrying it between his thumb and forefinger, "I um, know some rudimentary Irish Gaelic. Nothing too crazy, but I did take some classes. Helped remind me of my mom."

"Are you serious?" Eren asked, wide-eyed.

"Is ea, mo lá an earraigh," he answered cheekily.

"Oh God," the boy breathed, "Oh wow. That was…"

Levi did not miss the way Eren's legs shifted behind him, and he didn't have to look to know that the boy was not so subtly clenching his thighs together. The man snorted, happy to cause such a reaction, and decided to push it with, "Tá tú súile na hÉireann agus i croí fiáin."

"Stoooop," Eren all but begged, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, his face flushing the brightest shade of red Levi had ever seen, enhanced only by the red of the fading sun. "Stop, holy shit, your voice was sexy enough before, now it's just…I can't…"

"Did I break you a little?" the man smirked.

"A little."

"Want me to make it worse?"

"I don't know if I can take anymore."

"I took Irish step-dancing in addition to the Gaelic lessons. I actually got kind of good at it."

"Jesus _Christ_."

An image of Levi performing the intricate steps of Irish step-dance, thighs flexing powerfully, feet pounding confidently, combined with a passionate expression on his face and sweat shining on his forehead, glistening down his neck, was enough to have Eren sitting up and pulling the man back to his lips for a deep kiss. Briefly, he flicked his tongue past Levi's teeth to caress the other man's tongue, causing them both to gasp at the sensation. But while it felt strange, it wasn't appalling. In fact, in their impassioned state, it felt quite the opposite, and Levi's fingers grasping at Eren's shirt only encouraged him to do it again. So he did, heart pounding, blushing harder than he had thus far this evening, Levi reciprocating and even guiding his own tongue into Eren's mouth at one point to taste the backs of his teeth. When they parted, they were both breathing hard, and Levi could barely hear himself think over the sound of his own wildly beating heart.

"Holy shit," Eren exclaimed, grinning hugely.

"I'll say," the older man panted, "If this is how you react now, how the hell are you going to react if I decide to _demonstrate_ some of that Irish step-dancing for you?"

Eren groaned, his head falling back into the grass with a soft thump. "I'll explode. They'll find pieces of me in every corner of the world, and it'll take all of my relatives living and dead to put me back together again. You're going to kill me, Levi."

The older man laughed deeply, the sound rumbling in his chest, before he scooted forward and pressed his forehead against Eren's, nuzzling the boy's face much like a cat might. "I'm sorry."

Eren nuzzled his face back, kissing his cheek, the corner of his mouth, and his eyelid, before replying, "Don't be. There's worse ways for me to go than spontaneously combusting because I find you too endearing and hot."

After laughing a little more, the two of them fell into a comfortable silence, Levi remaining with his head on Eren's chest, the boy's heart thumping comfortingly against his ear and Eren wrapping his arms around his shoulders to hold him close. The watched as the sun finally sunk behind the mountains, letting go of its grasp on the day and surrendering the sky to the moon. As soon as the first few stars began to appear in the sky, Eren spoke tentatively, his voice almost surprising Levi into jumping.

"Levi?"

"Hmm?" he hummed, inclining his head slightly so that Eren knew he was listening.

"Someday, maybe, if we ever have the money, do you want to take a trip to Ireland? With me? So you could say you went to see if that field you played in really did look like Ireland?"

Levi lowered his gaze, rolling the idea over in his mind and feeling it click with his secret to desire to travel to the country someday for his mother's sake. Maybe Kuchel never go to set foot there, but he could honor her by taking the trip himself, touching Irish soil instead, to see the green moors, gray skies and all those fairy spots for her. And he couldn't think of a better companion to see it all with than the boy who found wonder beauty in everything, including a ruined wretch such as himself. He remembered when he used to hate being called beautiful, but now Eren had turned that hatred on its head and destroyed it.

And what was worse, he was actually beginning to believe Eren when he called him beautiful.

"Yeah, sure kid," he finally said, snuggling in further into Eren's chest, and then added almost as an afterthought, "Yes, that sounds like fun."

And they both stayed outside until the moon rose, bodies intertwined and thoughts filled with green hills, sweet flowers, and the other's smile as they took it all in.

000

"Isn't it a little early for surprises?" Eren yawned over his breakfast a couple weeks later. He was still out of it enough that most of his French toast was not making it into his mouth, rather bypassing it to poke his cheek instead as he sleepily tried to feed himself.

Huffing in amusement at his groggy actions, Levi clarified, "Actually, this one is going to help in your recovery. Petra recommended it herself."

Curious, the boy asked, "What is it?"

"Well, we're going to take a little trip to visit one of my former cases."

At that, Eren's grogginess disappeared almost completely. He stopped chewing, and regarded Levi apprehensively from across the table. Seeing his nervousness, and half expecting it, Levi quickly reassured him.

"Oh no, don't worry, you'll like her, I promise," he said, "She's a very sweet girl. Her name's Christa, and she was my last case, actually. But anyway, Petra thought this might be a good opportunity for you, that it might give you more hope that you can recover. If you meet someone who's actually been through the program, if you see that they're living a successful and fulfilling life. You think?"

Eren turned the idea over in his mind a couple times, still nervous over meeting a stranger, as he usually was, but from the way he described her, Christa didn't sound all that bad. She seemed safe, approachable, and that was probably why Levi chose her for Eren to meet with rather than any of his other kids that he had worked with in the past.

"Yeah, that sounds alright," the boy finally agreed, and finally swallowed his mouthful, "So she knows we're coming then?"

"I emailed her last week asking if we could visit her, and she said it was fine. She's expecting us at around noon today, and she lives about two hours away, so I figured it was best we get an earlier start. Now, I've told her a bit about you, but nothing too revealing, since I figured you might not be comfortable with that, and I figured you could tell her what you wanted. Likewise, I won't tell you anything about her so she can reveal that information if she wants to. I really think this is going to do you a lot of good, Eren."

Eren nodded distractedly, before getting up and circling around the table to Levi's side. The man gave him a curious look that Eren only noticed for a brief moment, before he was leaning down to kiss him. Levi made a sound of surprise in the back of his throat, but didn't pull away, simply regarding the boy with a questioning look when he pulled away.

"It never ceases to amaze me how much you're willing to do to help me," Eren explained, "I know you said I don't have to thank you, so I'll just kiss you instead, okay?"

Levi's expression shifted into one of amusement, and he snorted, "Alright, I suppose I can't complain about that."

With a grin, Eren leaned back down again to pull Levi into a deeper kiss, gradually leaning in a little further at a time and pushing him further back into his chair. Levi let out a breathy laugh through his nose without ceasing their kiss, reaching up to stroke Eren's jaw, tasting the syrup and sugar on the boy's tongue.

They left the house at ten sharp, and arrived at Christa's apartment at noon, just as Levi had promised they would. Eren was still a bit nervous, huddling against Levi as the man knocked on the door. He glanced down at Eren warmly when he felt the subtle trembling of the kid's frame against his body, and folded his hand inside his own.

"Don't worry," he said softly, "I promise you'll like her. Christa is shy like you, but very perceptive. She'll figure you out quickly and in turn figure out what to say or do to make you feel not so nervous since she knows what it's like to be chronically anxious."

"Okay," Eren said with a nod, taking a deep breath to calm himself.

Eventually, the door opened, revealing a small blond girl with huge blue eyes who was even shorter than the older man was. Her face looked very young and sweet, and she smiled bashfully in greeting when she saw them.

"Hi Levi," she said, before she walked up to him and hugged him, "It's so good to see you again! You look like you're doing well."

"I do?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her briefly before she pulled away, "How do you figure?"

"You look less tired," Christa observed.

Levi rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Of course she noticed how awful he had looked. "Just getting more sleep now. I know, it's shocking."

She laughed lightly, before turning to the boy next to him, and cautiously holding her hand out to him, unable to meet his eyes at first. "And um, you must be Eren, right?"

Eren immediately felt the tight ball of anxiety sitting in his chest loosen slightly. Her voice was quiet and pleasant to listen to, and her nervous actions put him at ease only because he knew he did similar things when meeting new people, and yet she was doing so much better than he did. He took her hand, grasping it lightly and shaking it, before answering, "Uh-huh. Nice to meet you."

She invited them both in with a nod of her head and a quiet offer to catch up in the living room, before she shut the door behind them. She ushered them over to sit on the couch, while she sat down in an armchair across from them. Once everyone was comfortable and she asked if she could get them anything, to which they both said they were fine, Christa gave Eren a brief account of her story and why she was admitted to the Wings of Freedom's program.

"I was eleven when the program took me in," she explained, "because of how my mother treated me. Now, she didn't outright abuse me. She just neglected me, which is just as bad I think. I was treated me like I didn't exist, mostly because I was the product of an affair she had with a married man. She didn't speak to me, or really make any motions to take care of me. I had to learn how to take care of myself quickly if I was going to survive. I tried to run away a few times, but they always sent me back. Until one day I came home from school and found my mom collapsed on the bathroom floor. She had…"

Christa paused for a minute, wringing her hands together and taking a deep breath to steady herself, before she continued, "Her bottle of oxycodone was next to her, and it was empty. I came home just as she was going under from it, and I tried to keep her awake. I shook her and cried and kept telling her to stay with me, telling her I was going to call an ambulance for her. And she replied to me, 'Don't. I'm trying to get away from you. I hate you, don't you realize that? Always have. Don't prolong my suffering.' First time she ever spoke to me, and that was what she said. It would be the last thing too. Ambulance got there not too long after, but it was too late. They tried to place me with my birth father after that, but he didn't want anything to do with me either. No one did. And child services didn't know what to do with a mess like me, so they got in touch with the Wings of Freedom, and I was assigned to live with Levi. The program was the best thing that ever happened to me. It helped me learn how to function as a normal human being."

"Hey, you did most of the work," Levi insisted, "We just gave you a nudge in the right direction. Besides, once you were in the right environment, you bounced back fairly quickly. She might not look it, Eren, but Christa is just as stubborn as you or I. Once she sets her mind to do something, she does it, and once she gained some confidence and decided she was going to make a life for herself and live on her own someday, nothing was going to stop her."

The girl blushed at his praise, lowering her eyes to the floor with a pleased smile she was trying very hard to hide. "So, um, Eren, why don't you tell me what led you to being placed in the program? If you want."

Eren shifted around uncomfortably on the couch slightly, before glancing up at Levi. When the older man gave him a warm smile and an encouraging nod, the boy took a deep breath, before shifting subtly closer towards him so that their thighs barely touched, and launched into his own story. However, he just gave Christa the abridged version, deciding to skip out on the details. Her mouth dropped open near the beginning, followed by her placing her hands to her mouth in shock, sympathy written all over her face and remaining there even after Eren finished.

"Oh my," she breathed in horror, "Levi said in his emails to me you were the most difficult case the organization has ever had, but he never told me why. You…oh Eren. You poor thing."

Eren just shrugged. "Well, like for you, Levi has been helping me. Everyone in the organization has. I don't know where I'd be without them either, and I'm glad they found me. Things have been hard though, I get severe panic attacks and flashbacks, and my nightmares are horrible. But I want to get better. I have to. If I don't, Erwin said they're going to send me to Hutchings, and if I go there"-

He pressed his lips tightly together, feeling fear crawl up his throat and threaten to choke him at the very implication. Levi shushed him, reading the signs and grasping his shoulder lightly, rubbing his thumb over it comfortingly. Once he registered the contact, some of the fear in Eren's head dissipated like mist retreating from the sun's rays, and he began to form coherent thoughts again. He straightened up slightly, and when he spoke again, he was proud of himself at how little his voice shook and how determined he sounded.

"But that's why I'm here, talking to you," he said, "I'm going to get better so that doesn't happen. So, maybe you could tell me what you've been doing since you got out, and what you think the secret to recovering to the point where you felt comfortable enough to living on your own is."

Christa sat there for a moment, lips slightly parted, in awe of his determination and the fire that seemed to be burning in those green eyes, before her lips curled into a soft smile. "Well, since I got out, I got my own apartment," she stated, glancing around the room, "I'm getting my bachelor's and plan on becoming a primary school teacher. I have a girlfriend that I adore to pieces and who loves me and understands my problems because she had similar ones growing up. Uh, Ymir had an alcoholic mother that ignored her, but she didn't have the luck of being placed somewhere like the Wings of Freedom. So we're helping each other get better and encouraging each other to pursue what we love. I think she's one of the things that's helped me the most. I have a hard time being alone for too long, and it's nice having someone that loves me unconditionally and someone that I love waiting for me when I come home. As for my secret for recovering, I think Ymir is one of the big parts of it. The other part is I've just always tried to do what makes me the happiest. I'm going to get a job doing something I've always wanted to do and I go places I've always wanted to go. I've surrounded myself with people who understand, people who I know I can go to if I have a bad day or a panic attack. Above all else, Eren, keep the people who care about you close to you, and always strive to do the things that will make you the happiest. The worst thing that can happen to you when you have a past like ours is being alone. Take it from someone who knows that better than anyone."

Eren stared at her for a moment, absorbing her words, before he nodded slowly. "I-I think I can aim for that. Thank you, Christa. I had a feeling maybe I should do something like that, but I wondered if it could really be that simple. I appreciate you putting it into words."

She smiled at him and waved her hand dismissively. "It's no problem. Now, enough of the heavy stuff. Levi told me you like animals. I have a couple of rats, if you want to see them?"

Instantly, the boy brightened, nodding eagerly and replying, "Yes please."

Christa stood up from her chair and said, "Here, come with me and we'll carry them back out here."

Eren stood up from the couch, looking down at Levi and flashing him a huge, happy smile, and Levi smiled back, the sight of the boy's happiness prompting an empathetic swell of elation inside of him as well. He then followed Christa down the hall to what he assumed was her bedroom, and on a large table across the room from it sat a large cage with two white and tan mounds of fluff cuddled up next to each other.

"Hey girls," she cooed, and two heads lifted at the sound, their eyes opening blearily. When the cage door opened though, they were right there, climbing up the bars eagerly, their whiskers twitching brightly. Christa picked one up and handed it to Eren, instructing him to hold her under her butt and keep her close to his chest.

"That's Mina," she clarified, "And this is Hannah. You'll notice Mina is very fat. She's not pregnant, just a big pig, always hogging the treats. Hannah is much smarter, she can do all sorts of tricks. She actually comes when you call her, and you don't need food to prompt her, not like the tub of lard you're holding."

"They're so cute," Eren gushed, "Cover your ears, Mina, don't listen to those lies. You're adorable the way you are."

Christa huffed a breath of laughter, and said, "Eren, listen. I just wanted to tell you before we went back out there that whatever you're doing, keep it up. I've never seen Levi like that before."

The boy looked up at her, blinking questioningly. "What do you mean?"

She met his eye, smiling gently and saying, "I've never seen him look so…warm. So relaxed and open. He was never like that when I lived with him, and I always thought it was my fault, that I was stressing him out or something. But Petra assured me that I wasn't, that he had always been like that, and I shouldn't take it personally. I learned not to, but I felt horrible for him, you know? I tried to help him, but he always very nicely told me that I shouldn't worry about him and to concentrate on getting better, that he would be okay. But I wasn't stupid, yet at the same time, there was nothing I could do. And now he looks…happy. I mentioned before that it looks like he's getting more sleep, maybe that has something to do with it, but I'll bet it has something to do with you."

Eren glanced towards the floor, trying desperately to hide his blush as he stammered, "W-What makes you say that? I haven't, I mean…I'm nothing special."

"Obviously you are," she refuted him, "Let's just say he was never as affectionate with me as he is with you."

Eren lifted his gaze sharply at her words, his mouth opening and closing several times, trying to think of a reply but failing miserably. How was she even…? Well, hadn't Levi mentioned she was perceptive? But now came the question, what would her reaction be?

However, Christa just shrugged one shoulder and looked down at Hannah briefly, stroking her back as she murmured, "I meant what I said that you need to keep the people you care about closest to you to help you get better. If Levi means a lot to you, you need to not let him go, no matter what. I think it's vital for the both of you."

When she looked up again, she held the boy's eye, her face serious, and Eren found himself nodding determinedly in agreement and saying, "I won't let him go, Christa. Not if I can help it."

She patted his shoulder and said reassuringly, "Don't worry, Eren. I think you're going to do fine."

He smiled softly at her praise, and then followed her out of the room, Mina in tow and tickling his bare arm with her twitching whiskers.

 _I won't let him go,_ Eren repeated to himself when they came back into the living room and Levi's handsome face was once again all his heart could see, _I won't let him go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "all my heart can see". For the first scene I was listening to Thymian und Rosmarin by Faun on repeat, so if you want an enhanced reading experience, I recommend popping that on. It's super soft and nice. ^^ Also, if anyone is curious, the phrases in Gaelic that Levi speaks mean in order, "Yes, my spring day," and "You have Irish eyes and a wild heart."


	15. Lass Nicht Los

For the fifth night in a row, Levi started awake at the sound of desperate screaming. However, before he could get up and race to Eren's room, he heard the thump of something heavy hitting the floor, followed by the uneven stumbling of feet across the hallway, before his door creaked open. Eren was standing there in the doorway, haloed in the hall light, favoring his left leg, hair a mess and cheeks stained with tears. More were rolling down his face, and his chest shuddered with sobs he was managing to stifle, for now at least.

"Levi…" he whimpered, seeing that the other man was of course awake and regarding him with concern.

Levi simply held open an arm in silent invitation, pulling back his blankets with the other one. Eren crossed the room in two strides and crawled into bed, tucking his head under Levi's chin and letting the sobs bubble up, unrestrained. The older man wrapped his arms around Eren after he pulled the blankets over the top of them and then laid them both down, pulling the boy close. He could feel Eren shaking horribly, could hear the slight wheezing of the air that he pulled into his lungs. He sounded like he was on the verge of a panic attack, his veins no doubt swelling with adrenaline. His suspicions were only confirmed when he felt Eren's arms tighten around him, nearly squeezing the breath out of him, and felt the boy tangle their legs together, as if he couldn't get close enough to the only source of comfort he felt he had.

"Shhhh, shh," Levi whispered, "Shhhh. Easy, easy. Breathe, Eren, I'm right here. Deep breaths."

Eren tried to do as he asked, but ended up sending himself into a coughing fit as he inhaled saliva and mucus produced from his sobs. He so badly wanted to calm down, wanted his heart to stop beating so painfully against the walls of his chest, wanted his blood to stop rushing through his head so hard, and wanted to stop trembling so badly. But he couldn't get the images from his dream out of his head long enough to relax even the slightest bit. Besides, he was too exhausted to calm himself down anymore. After five sleepless nights in a row filled with nothing but horrible dreams, he was at the end of his strength, and he just wanted Levi to make it stop, though he knew the other man was just as exhausted as he was from sitting with Eren through every single one of his fits.

" _Levi_ ," he said pleadingly.

"I know, kid," the older man said patiently, rubbing a hand up and down his back, "I know. Keep breathing. I'm not going anywhere. It's okay, it's going to be okay. Easy now, easy, easy. There you go, just breathe for me. There you go…"

Slowly, eventually, Eren's muscles began to soften, his breath not sounding so painful in his throat, and his grip around Levi become a little less desperate. However, his tears didn't stop, especially not when he immediately began to relay his dream to the other man, too scared to be left alone with the images in his head for any longer.

"Nile had me pinned down, and he was holding his surgical knife," he gasped, "I couldn't move. I was fighting, fighting so hard, but he managed to cut me open anyway. And then pulled down his pants and started poking around inside of me with his…his…"

Eren choked, unable to say it, and Levi felt nausea boil in his stomach. He covered up his grimace with a few kisses he placed in Eren's hair.

"He masturbated over me," Eren explained hoarsely, "Came on my-my heart. Sewed me back up, saying he was in me forever. I got up and ran, but I was inside Hutchings, and I couldn't find a way out. I couldn't-couldn't…I was alone. I was all alone. I kept calling for help, calling for _you,_ but you weren't there. I woke up around then."

"Oh Eren," Levi sighed sympathetically, "Eren, that's…I'm so sorry."

"Fell out of bed too. Probably going to have a huge bruise on my thigh tomorrow."

A breathy laugh left the older man at that, and he hugged Eren a little tighter, all but covering his body with his own. "You poor kid, it's one thing after another, isn't it?"

He felt Eren nod against him, and after a few moments filled with nothing but the boy's slightly shaky breaths, he heard him say hopelessly, "I can't do this anymore, Levi. I'm so tired. It'd be so much easier if I just went to sleep and didn't wake up."

The breath in Levi's lungs froze and he could feel his stomach turn to water at those words. If it were possible, he held Eren even tighter, his grip quite painful at this point, and whispered fearfully, "Don't you dare say things like that. Please Eren, don't- I know. I know how much it hurts, believe me. I used to wish for the same thing. I…still do sometimes. I know how tired you are, like it'd be easier to just lay in bed and let yourself wither away. But please, for the love of God, don't. Remember what I told you, on your birthday? I told you to fight, because you're so good at it. You've been fighting like it's all you know how to do ever since you escaped Nile's house."

"…I don't know if I can fight anymore," Eren admitted in a voice so quiet and muffled by Levi's chest, that the man didn't know if he heard him correctly at first.

However, when the words sunk in, he felt his heart stutter in his chest and tears pricked at the backs of his eyes. He buried his nose in Eren's hair, and replied in a voice thick with emotion, "I'll fight for you then. You've come so far, Eren. I'm not letting you give up on me. _I'm not_. If I lost you"-

His throat closed up on him abruptly, cutting off the rest of his words, his mind suddenly flooded with horrible scenarios of a world without Eren in it. Levi knew he wouldn't be able to handle it if the boy was just sent to Hutchings, but if Eren was gone from the world for good, he was sure it would well and truly destroy him. He'd be a broken soul, wandering around in a world that no longer held any meaning to him, everything reminding him of Eren and his heart screaming for the boy, but never able to find release. He imagined never feeling his warmth again, never holding him or kissing him, never hearing his voice or his laugh, never seeing the adoration in his eyes whenever he looked at Levi…the man shivered with horror. He kissed the boy's hair again, desperately, willing Eren to feel his warmth, hear his words and the pain in them, to absorb the almost excruciating devotion and affection he was trying to pour into him. Trying to care for him hard enough that the boy would have no choice but to abandon his dark thoughts because he could clearly see how much Levi needed him, as selfish as that sounded.

"I'm right here, Eren," he reassured him, a determined fire an undercurrent beneath all the fear and hopelessness, "I'm right here. I'll fight for you. I'll fight forever if I have to, but I'm not letting you give up."

000

The next morning found Levi in his kitchen, dialing a number and desperately hoping the person on the other end would pick up. His heart hammered a little harder with every ring. He had been trying so hard to stay calm all morning, but he was afraid he was going to lose it at any moment.

"…Hello? Levi?"

Oh thank God. "Petra, I need your help. It's Eren. I'm pretty sure isn't going to make it to see you today. He's...he's in a bad way. I'd like your opinion as his psychologist as to what I should do."

He heard rustling on the other of the line, as if Petra was straightening herself up where she sat in order to listen more intently, before she inquired, "Why, what's the matter?"

Levi sighed heavily, the sound filled with despair and exhaustion. "You already know about all the nightmares he's been having this week."

"I do."

"Well, I think he hit his breaking point last night. He had another one, and after he told me about it, he told me how tired he was and how he, to use his words, just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. And now this morning, I can't get him to get out of bed. I've spent the last hour and a half trying to convince him to eat something, or say something, or just to look at me. He- he's scaring me, Petra. I think it's a depressive episode, and while it doesn't surprise me, I'm freaking out because I have no idea how to help him. He won't give me any clues as to what I can do help him through it."

The woman on the other line was silent for a moment as she absorbed Levi's words, before she finally replied thoughtfully, "Yes, it does sound like depression. I'm surprised this didn't happen earlier. It might have been in development for a while, but it wouldn't shock me either if it's the severe nightmares and the lack of sleep that were the final straw, but it might be something else to. You know as well as I do that depressive episodes don't necessarily need a trigger in order to happen."

"I know," Levi agreed, "There are some days where I just didn't want to get out of bed and I didn't know why. I just…I feel so helpless, Petra. It hurts to see him like this."

"Oh sweetie, I know," Petra said sympathetically, "I know. Do you want me to come over?"

"No, not right now. Maybe later. I was thinking though while I had you here that I would get your opinion on whether or not we should get Eren on some anti-depressants. Maybe some sleep meds too."

"Mmm, it might be a good idea. You'll have to talk to Hanji about that, but I think they might be beneficial to him. Although mixing the sleep meds with anti-depressants might not be a good idea. Taking one or the other can make your head feel funny, I can only imagine what taking both at the same time might be like. For that you could always try giving him some Melatonin or something, it doesn't need a prescription and it's not as heavy duty as the prescription stuff, but it'll still knock him out."

"Alright," Levi told her, "Thanks. Yeah, I'll give Hanji a call and see when she can fit us in. I guess in the meantime I'll just go sit with Eren, see if I can- can get him to get out of bed."

Petra heard the tremor in his voice as he spoke, and she also heard his attempt to cover it up, so she pretended not to notice. Though the fact that Levi of all people sounded so uneasy and worried went straight to her heart, and she replied empathetically, "Okay. You just call me if you need anything. I promise I'll drop everything and be over as soon as I can. I know you'll do your best to take care of our boy."

Levi sighed heavily, as if he doubted her faith in him, but still he said, "I will. Thanks again, Petra. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"No problem. Good luck, hon."

And with that, they hung up, and Levi was left on his own again. For a moment, he stared out the window, regarding the mountains in the distance, as if they would tell him what he should do. He knew during his own depressive episodes, which occurred very frequently whenever he was left alone, his behavior very much resembled Eren's; he would be too exhausted to get out of bed, but not exhausted enough to sleep. His stomach would clench at the thought of food, and it wouldn't unusual for him to go a few days without showering or changing his clothes. It even might be days before he heard his own voice again. His joints would ache, making him feel even heavier and more sluggish, and there seemed to be a perpetual, squirming burn between his ribs that he was pretty sure was born from deep, emotional pain that would always be very much in evidence but he didn't know the source of. Perhaps it was from the fact that his thoughts would spiral in dizzying circles, in which he asked himself over and over why was he alive while all those other poor women were dead, why couldn't he have done something more to save his mother, why did those men have to do all the horrible things they did to him…

…why didn't he just put himself out of his misery and end the agony once and for all.

Levi felt his guts shivering with uneasiness, wondering if Eren was having similar thoughts at that very moment. But how was Levi going to help him? He knew during his episodes what he desired ranged from wanting to be left alone, to wanting the warmth of another body snuggled so tightly against his that no one would be able to tell them apart. Sometimes his depression grew worse because he felt as if no one cared that he was suffering, or he'd grow irrationally angry at those that did try to comfort him for not saying the things he wanted to hear, or worse, saying downright insensitive things. He supposed he would just have to feel Eren out and see what he responded best to.

So, with that, the older man wandered back into the bedroom, his body feeling heavy with the weight of his exhaustion. It grew worse the closer he got, as if he could physically feel Eren's depression leaking into his very core, tempting his own depression to the surface to come out and mingle with it. However, once he laid eyes on that too-still figure again, he felt his resolve harden. He absolutely wouldn't let Eren wander onto the same dark roads his own mind often wandered down. As he crawled onto the bed, he decided definitively that he would pour every ounce of care he could into the boy, and would work tirelessly to draw him back from the clutches of the shadows that held him under siege and into the sunlight.

Like Eren had done so many times for him.

Carefully, he settled himself behind the boy, getting under the blankets and curling around his back. Levi nuzzled the nape of Eren's neck with his nose and then the soft skin behind his ear, kissing him there tenderly. He then wrapped an arm around his waist, finding one of Eren's hands and settling his own over it lightly, brushing his thumb over his knuckles.

"It's going to be okay," he reassured him, "I'll make it okay, I promise. Whatever you need, I'm here. You're not alone, Eren. Never alone…"

Eren didn't respond, didn't even act like he knew Levi was there at all, and he felt his heart sink.

000

Three days passed. Seventy two miserable hours, and nothing changed. Eren was still deathly quiet and unresponsive. No matter how much Levi nuzzled him, or cuddled him, or how tightly he hugged him, no matter how much he sang his soft, sweet songs, or begged Eren to say something, the boy wouldn't look at him. Even when his eyes were open, they were dull, staring ahead at nothing. He could hear Eren's insides groaning with hunger, but the boy either didn't feel it or he was ignoring it. The only response he got out of Eren in those entire three days was when he picked up the boy and carried him to the bathroom, sitting him on the toilet and prompting him to relieve himself, which he did more often than not. Levi even finally caved in on the morning of the third day and asked Petra to come over and try to work her magic, but her presence didn't change anything. She might as well have not been there at all, for all the attention Eren paid to her. When she left, she had looked at Levi sadly, pityingly, and wished him luck once more.

Desperate, the evening of the third day, Levi sat on the edge of the bed with Eren, running his fingers through the boy's greasy hair, and said, "Eren, please, if you don't start eating or drinking soon, you're going to get very sick. Then I'll have to take you to the hospital and they'll have to hook you back up to all of those tubes like they did when you first went there. I know you don't want that to happen."

Eren didn't say anything, but he did curl up slightly more into himself and whine, long and low, the sound filled with pain and fear. It cut right through Levi's heart, and he couldn't bring himself to threaten him again. Instead, he sighed heavily, a bone deep weariness settling over him, before he said, "Come on. Let's get you in the shower."

As much as he didn't want to have to do this to him, Levi knew that after three days of remaining in bed, Eren badly needed a shower. Slowly, pulled the blankets back and carefully hefted Eren up into a sitting position. The boy whined again, his face pinching into an expression of pain that Levi only caught for a moment, before he was burying his face in the older man's shoulder. He was probably horribly dizzy, after going without food and adequate sleep for so long. Levi wondered if Eren's legs would be strong enough to hold him up long enough for a shower. He decided quickly that they probably wouldn't, and that there was a good chance of the boy collapsing in the tub and hurting himself, so he made a decision quickly.

"Eren, I'm going to shower with you," he told him, "I don't think you're strong enough to hold yourself up in there right now. Is that alright?"

Of course, the boy didn't respond, keeping his head where it was against Levi's shoulder, and not offering any sign that he had heard the man at all. So, he carried Eren carefully into the bathroom, setting him on top of the closed toilet and undressing him. He respectively averted his eyes at the boy's nakedness, but he doubted Eren would notice even if he did stare. He then started the water in the shower, and while he waited for it to heat up, he undressed as well. Once he deemed the water to be warm enough, he pulled Eren up against him and helped him into the shower, pleased that the boy remained standing once he let go. However, his legs were shaking slightly, and Levi took that as his cue that he shouldn't let this shower go on for too long.

"It's going to be okay," Levi told the kid, though he was pretty sure he was just trying to soothe himself at this point. Still, it couldn't hurt for Eren to just hear his voice and hopefully understand on some subconscious level that his protector was still with him, that whatever battle he was fighting, he wasn't fighting alone.

"I'm right here," he said as he squirted shampoo in his hands, the woodsy musk of it filling the inside of the humid, enclosed space. "I'm right here, kid. You have to come back to me. Please, Eren."

He soaped up Eren's hair, the smell of the shampoo almost bringing him to tears because of the happy memories he associated with it. Hiking with Eren in the woods at Salmon River, talking to Eren about fairies in the twilight, the two of them curled up on the couch with Eren resting between his legs, laying over the length of his body with his head under Levi's chin, just far up enough that the man could bury his nose in his hair and inhale that sweet fragrance. Eren under the dappled sunlight, Eren looking towards the sky with wonder, Eren telling Levi that he never wanted to forget him for as long as he lived, and beyond that.

"Was it something I did?" Levi asked, becoming desperate, "Eren, you have to tell me…what can I do to fix this? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…"

And then, a horrified thought occurred to the man. Perhaps this was the end of the line for them. Perhaps this was the extent of the help he could offer Eren, and he would no longer respond to Levi no matter what he did. He drew in a shaky breath, feeling every one of his organs liquefying and tears stinging his eyes in earnest at what he was about to say.

"Eren," he whispered, just loud enough to be heard over the sound of the shower water beating on the tile walls, "I think"- he paused, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, "I think this is it, isn't it? For us? I'm not going to be able to help you anymore, am I. You probably need to go to Hutchings, don't you?"

Eren's posture didn't change, although Levi could have sworn that he had swiveled his head just the slightest bit to the right, as if he were trying to listen better. But he couldn't see the boy's face, so he had no idea whether or not the words were affecting him. However, he took his silence as confirmation that yes, this was indeed the end. Levi was going to have to let him go, going to have to put him in the care of someone else, someone that wasn't him. He bit his lip, tears welling up, though he didn't feel them run down his face due to the fact that they mixed with the shower water quickly. He turned the boy around gently, and pulled him down for an embrace, digging his fingers into Eren's hair with one hand and squeezing around his shoulders with the other, nuzzling his nose desperately into the crook of the kid's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he apologized again, voice thick with tears, "I'm sorry I failed you. I tried but…I get it. Sometimes all the love in the world isn't enough to save the people we care about. I couldn't save my mom, and I couldn't save you either. But it'll be okay. I'll make it okay, I promise."

It tore Levi's heart in two and made it difficult to breathe at the thought of sending Eren so far away from his loving touch, sending him somewhere where Levi wouldn't be able to comfort him no matter how much the boy cried out for him. And just as bad, Levi would be all alone in his house once more, terrified, unable to eat or sleep, consumed with worry for Eren and desiring his comforting warmth, the pain from missing him so deep and agonizing that he wouldn't be able to function. They needed each other, needed the other to protect them, to soothe away their anxieties, to remind each other that there was more in the world than darkness. He held onto Eren a little tighter, as if trying to squeeze awareness back into him, even knowing it would be in vain.

"I'll call Hanji in the morning," he finally relented, "She'll call the facility. I-I can't do it myself; I'm too much of a coward. This way, we can have one more night together, okay? We'll go sit on the couch and watch your favorite movies, and then we'll go to bed. You can sleep in my bed with me, and I won't let go of you all night. I won't let go of you until they force me to. I won't let go…"

"Won't…let go…"

Levi's breath hitched at the sound of the familiar, yet hoarse voice, and he leaned back sharply. His gaze landed upon Eren's face, and he wiped his tears away rapidly. To his profound relief, when his vision cleared, he could see that Eren's eyes were growing less foggy, and he was blinking more rapidly than he had done over the past few days. His breathing rate was picking up, and an expression of confusion was pinching his features as awareness slowly began to return to him, the wheels in his head turning as he worked to figure out where he was and how he had gotten there. His eyes roved around the shower walls, before his pupils sharpened into focused pinpricks, landing on Levi, who was eyeing him with concern.

"Levi," he gasped, "Levi, I won't let go. Don't let me go, please."

The older man shook his head in disbelief, reaching up to hold Eren's face in his hands, and immediately pulling the boy back in for another embrace when he saw his eyes begin to shine with tears.

"Oh thank God," Levi breathed, feeling his limbs trembling with relief, "No, I won't you go. Never, Eren. I'm right here."

Eren's back heaved on a weak sob, and he reached up to hold Levi in return, pressing his nose into the other man's hair in desperate affection as he said in voice heavy with emotion, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean- I just"-

"Shh, kid, you don't have to explain."

"No, I- it just, the nightmares wouldn't stop, and I couldn't take it. I couldn't-but then I understood. I've been so concerned with surviving, and then getting better, but it never really hit me that everything that happened to me…actually _happened._ It wasn't just a bad dream. I really was Nile's fucktoy for a decade, and he really did almost kill me several times. Shit, I almost _died_ so many times Levi. I was so close to-to never seeing the sun again, or the grass, or to never meeting you."

So that was it. Levi stared over Eren's shoulder at the opposite wall as he figured out the implication of his words. Levi had experienced something similar, actually, though it had happened a year or so after he had been released from his captivity. It had finally dawned on Eren that what had happened to him had been real, triggered by his continuous nightmares, and it had slammed into him so fast and all at once that he had simply shut down, unable to cope with the onslaught.

"Please don't send me away," Eren begged, holding Levi tighter, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be bad, I'll be good from now on. I'll be good"-

"Eren, stop," Levi cut him off, feeling his insides squirm with nausea at hearing those words, "You have nothing to apologize for. I'm not sending you anywhere, okay? You're staying right here."

Eren's fingers spasmed against his bare back, nails digging into his skin, but Levi didn't feel it; it was nothing compared to the awful pain he had experienced in his breast at the thought of losing the boy.

"I'm staying?" he asked, and the hope in his voice was so fragile that it tore at Levi's heart.

"Yes, you're staying," the man reassured him, and then added, "I'm proud of you, Eren. I'm so proud. You came back, and you accepted what happened to you, even though it was hard. That was a huge step in the right direction, and we can only move up from here. You're going to be okay."

Eren sighed tremulously, feeling more tears run in warm rivulets down his cheeks to join the water running down Levi's hair and neck. He took a few moments to compose himself, to simply absorb Levi's words and revel in the cozy, _safe_ feelings they caused to wash over him, before he said quietly, "Levi? We're both naked, aren't we?"

Levi's eyes widened slightly over the boy's shoulders, and heat flooded his face. "Yes we are brat. We are indeed. Would you, um, like me to step out so you can finish your shower in peace?"

The boy thought about it for a moment, before he shook his head and backed out of the embrace, telling the other man kindly, "No. This is fine. It's…I don't want you to leave. I feel safer like this. So you can stay, if you want. Besides, you'll do a better job of washing my back than I will."

Levi huffed a breath of laughter in agreement, happy that the tension was gone, before he set out to do just that, allowing Eren to turn around, before soaping up the boy's back, his muscles feeling looser and his heart feeling lighter than it had in days.

And when they went to bed that night, bellies filled with a warm meal and both comfortably clean, they passed out within a matter of moments in Levi's bed, bodies entangled together in a single mass of even breaths and hard sleep. Both of them were beyond exhausted, not just from the fact that it had been many days since either of them had had a decent night of sleep, but from the sheer relief of Eren knowing that the worst was over, and Levi knowing that he didn't have to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for this late and kind of short update, guys. It's been a rough couple of weeks. How about I make up for it by having things get a little hotter and heavier for the next couple of chapters? ^^ Chapter title means "don't let go."


	16. Mein Wahrer Meister

"So Eren, how are you doing this week?" Petra asked once their session started, partly because she felt the need to ask in general, and partly because she felt the need to ask specifically. Eren was fidgeting nervously and staring at his hands, which were being held between his knees.

"I, um," he began after a moment, "Good. Better than I was. But…"

"But?" she prompted.

"I think I want to do today's session with just the two of us. If Levi doesn't mind."

He glanced up at Levi nervously, as if worried that he would be angry with him for all but telling him to get lost, especially when Eren had insisted that he sit beside him for every single one of his therapy sessions thus far. But instead, Levi just nodded in understanding.

"Of course I don't mind," he told Eren, "I'll leave you two alone then, okay? It's a great day for a walk outside. The sun is shining for the first time in an eternity. I'm going to go and take it all in and try to remember what it looks like for when it inevitably goes gray again tomorrow."

He patted Eren's knee, and then stood up, before making his way towards the front door, Petra calling after him, "We'll see you in an hour."

"Don't have too much fun without me," he replied, voice echoing slightly. They both stared off in his direction, waiting for the front door to click shut, before Eren and Petra turned back to each other.

"Alright then, kiddo, what's up?" she said, trying to ignore the apprehension she felt. What on Earth could be making Eren feel so uncomfortable that he had to send the person he trusted most out of the room before he could talk about it, especially considering what he had talked about in front of Levi before?

Eren pressed his knees together, cutting off the blood to his hands for a moment and then started to bounce one of his legs, his stomach squirming with nerves. However, he eventually answered while looking at the floor, "Lately, I feel like my nightmares are following me even when I'm awake."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I've always had quite a lot of dreams and sometimes flashbacks of the times Nile assaulted me, but more often now even when I wake up or come out of it, I still feel…sensations. Like, I still feel his hands on me, or pain in the areas he hurt me. And no matter what I do, I can't get it to go away. It follows me for the rest of the day until I go to bed. It makes me feel so dirty. No matter how hard or thoroughly I wash myself in the shower, I still feel gross. And…And every time I see myself naked, I see the scars he left me with, and it just makes the feelings worse. It's almost like I feel him putting those marks on me all over again."

Eren took in a shuddering breath and suddenly folded himself in half, putting his elbows on his knees and placing his face in his hands. His next words came out somewhat muffled as he said helplessly, "I didn't want Levi to be here to hear this because I didn't want him to be even more worried about me but…I just want it to stop, Petra. I want it to stop but I don't know how to make it stop. I was hoping maybe you could…maybe you'd know…"

"Oh, honey," Petra clucked sympathetically, and leaned forward in her chair until she had placed her hands on Eren's shoulders. He looked up at her, meeting her eyes for the first time since he had arrived, and she could see that they were red with the effort of holding back tears.

"Lots of people that were sexually abused, especially as children, go through what you're going through now," she assured him, rubbing his shoulders slightly, "The phantom sensations, the feelings of being unclean, the guilt, the shame, and the helplessness. While it's not pleasant, I can assure you what you're feeling is completely normal."

She sat back after a moment, giving Eren's hand a parting, comforting pat. "As for how to make it stop, there are a couple ways. What you're feeling is caused in part by a combination of anxiety and a feeling that your body isn't your own anymore."

"What do you mean by that?" Eren wanted to know.

"It means that you feel like people can do whatever they want with your body, that you have no say in what happens to it and you're helpless to stop them from having their way with you, because that's what Nile taught you through his abuse. He taught you that you have no sense of autonomy. Does that sound about right?"

Eren thought about it for a moment, before he found himself nodding.

"Okay," Petra continued, "So here's what we do. We've already got you on anti-depressants, and those usually double to help with anxiety, because anxiety almost always comes with depression. But you just started those, so they might take a bit to fully kick in. In the meantime, there are things you can do to reduce your anxiety. I know for example to help me fall asleep at night it helps to have the t.v on. The noise and light makes me feel less nervous, and if you wake up, it's almost like you have people in the room with you. I can also teach you a relaxation technique at the end of this session where you learn how to clench each one of your muscle groups and release them, effectively getting rid of the tension in them. You could also go for runs, get a massage…I know massages knock me right out at the end of a day, and if I go for a good enough run, I feel too tired to feel anxious. What do you think?"

After mulling over her suggestions in his head, the boy shrugged dubiously, figuring he had nothing to lose but still doubting their effectiveness, saying, "I guess I could try some of those things."

"Only what you're comfortable with," Petra insisted, "How about we make that part of your homework for two days from now? I want you to try at least one of those things and see if it helps to reduce your anxiety."

"I could do that," Eren figured, feeling slightly more confident. It certainly couldn't hurt to try at least one of those things.

His therapist offered him a kind, supportive smile, and then continued, "Now, I believe we could help reduce your anxiety by you taking back some of your autonomy as well."

"And how would we do that?"

"By teaching you that your body is your own, and doesn't belong to anyone but you. Now, we could try some cognitive-behavioral techniques, but I think another great way for you to own your body is to practice masturbating on a regular basis."

Eren's eyes widened, feeling a blush heat up his face all the way to his ears in the same beat a flicker of uncertainty passed through him. Yet, he was also curious, so he asked, "Um, how would that accomplish anything? I almost feel like that would just send me into more flashbacks."

"It only will if you let it, in some cases," Petra told him, "I know most flashbacks aren't voluntary, but some of them happen because you give in to your fears. Above all, Eren, we're trying to replace all of your negative experiences with positive ones, remember? That includes your experiences with sex and your body in general. I think masturbating is a good step to remind you that your body is your own because it teaches you that you are in control of your own pleasure, no one else. Besides, masturbating is healthy and a great way to learn about your body and its rhythms, to figure out what you like and don't like so that someday, when and if you find a partner that you feel comfortable enough to have sex with, you can communicate that information to them."

The boy took a deep breath and let it out, all of her information a little overwhelming, but thankfully not as frightening when she explained her reasoning and let the words sink in. She made several good points, as usual. Yes, Nile had hurt him when touching his most intimate places, but Eren figured it was highly unlikely he would hurt himself. Besides, he was willing to try anything to heal and make it so he didn't have to be sent away. However, her words inspired another question in him.

"You really think someday it'll be possible for me to be able to have sex with someone?" he asked quietly, his face remaining quite red.

Petra nodded. "Of course, honey. Remember, the person you'll choose to have sex with you'll either love or care about deeply, and they'll feel the same way about you. They'll respect you and whatever boundaries you set up, and they'll be very gentle and slow with you. They'll be sensitive to your circumstances and if you tell them you're not comfortable with something, they'll listen. First and foremost, sex is supposed to be another way to show someone that you care about them, that you care about them so much that you want to make them feel as good as you possibly can. I promise that what you know about sex right now is wrong; it's not supposed to be used to control and humiliate someone, and though it may take time, the sooner we can help you unlearn that, the better I think you'll feel."

"If you think I can do it…" Eren stated dubiously.

"I know you can. It may not be any time soon, but it'll happen. And when it does, I promise the experience will rewrite everything you know about sex, and make you abhor what was done to you just that much more."

000

For his homework, Eren decided to give the massage a try, especially when Levi told him he could give a relatively decent one, and Eren wanted to get better so badly that he was willing to give it a go. But he knew he was only allowing Levi to do this because he trusted the man implicitly.

Before he could back out, he stepped into the room he had been ordered out of a short time ago by Levi when the older man told him it was okay for him to come back in. When Eren opened the door, his eyes widened at the sight that met his eyes.

Levi had gone all out to transform Eren's bedroom into an oasis of relaxation, dimming the lights and setting up small crystal lamps on the dressers. A small portable heater was humming gently in the corner of the room, and Eren could smell sandalwood and vanilla coming from the scented candles that had been lit. There was even soft music playing, and Levi had pulled back the blankets of the bed invitingly.

"Wow," Eren breathed, already feeling his muscles loosen at the mere sight and warm smells and sounds that greeted him.

Levi offered him a smile in reply, clearly pleased at the boy's reaction, before he said as he passed Eren out of the room, "Okay, I'm going to take my leave now for ten minutes to let you get undressed and get under the blankets. Take off as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing, alright?"

"Okay," Eren agreed, and as soon as Levi exited the room and closed the door behind him, he slipped out of his clothes, managing to pull everything off before he was standing there in nothing but his underwear. He stood in the middle of the room for a minute, debating with himself on whether or not he should take those off as well. He didn't think the massage would include anything around that area, or would it? Sometimes massages included the rear. More importantly, did Eren feel comfortable getting completely naked in the same room with another person, especially when that person was Levi? He knew it had happened before, but it had never been a conscious decision on his part.

He finally decided that yes, he would take them off, both partly for the massage and because he felt the need to push himself in terms of his comfort zone. He knew Levi would never hurt him, that he trusted him completely. However, Eren felt the need to show both Levi and himself how much he trusted the older man, to prove to himself above all else that he could do this. He was sick of being afraid, sick of a man owning his body that was no longer even alive. Petra was right; his body was his own, and it was his decision what he did with it. And if he wanted to give the man he had strong feelings for a teasing glimpse of his flesh like Levi had done so many times to him without knowing it, then there was nothing he would allow to stop him. Nile could go to Hell, which Eren was sure he was there already anyway.

As he made his way over to the bed, Eren realized with excitement that some part of him did desire Levi, not just for the affection or comfort that he offered, but in a much more physical sense. It was something given his history that he never thought he'd experience, but it was definitely there, a tiny, glowing ember, and he figured this massage might not only just be a good way to relax him, but to stoke that flame and see if it would grow any. Besides, he knew if it were anyone else but Levi giving him this massage, he would sure as shit not be taking his underwear off. So, with that goal in mind, he crawled under his thick, toasty blankets, lying on his front. He shivered at the different foreign yet far from unpleasant sensations that whispered over his skin all at once. His cool, silky sheets were touching skin he wasn't used to having bare, ghosting over his rear and most prominently caressing his length. Eren shivered at the feeling, settling down amongst his blankets and feeling a pleasant heat develop in his belly at the feeling of the soft pressure against his naked rear, thighs, and cock, feeling everything conform to every angle and dip of his body and cradle him gently. There was something subtly erotic about just lying in bed naked, even if he wasn't going to be doing anything but lying here and relaxing.

He went still when he heard the door open and Levi pad over to stand next to the bed, a small thrill skittering down his spine when he heard, or at least thought he heard a soft, sudden intake of breath from the other man when he saw what awaited him in the bed.

"You all set Eren?" Levi asked.

The boy gave him an affirmative, "Mhmm," before closing his eyes with a sigh and waiting for him to get to work.

With his eyes closed, everything else became heightened; the sensation of his heart pounding from anticipation in his chest, the feeling of the cool air touching his upper body as the sheets were pulled back to sit at his waist, the sound of Levi rubbing massage oil, and then finally, the initial touch of the man's fingers against Eren's shoulders. He was proud of himself that he didn't jump at the slightly unexpected contact, nor find himself squirming at the feeling of Levi touching his naked skin. There was no revulsion, and the discomfort was so minimal that he was confident it would disappear within a few moments, once he got used to the sensation.

When his fingers began to caress his shoulders, he heard Levi ask, "Is this okay? Want me to make it a little deeper?"

"Sure," Eren sighed, snuggling down further into his blankets.

Levi did so, digging his fingers deeper into the boy's muscles and saying, "Damn kid, good thing you asked me to do this when you did. Your muscles are as hard as rocks. Let me know if I'm hurting you at all, okay?"

"I will," Eren assured him.

After that, they both went silent for a bit, and Levi worked his way down Eren's shoulders, arms, and even his hands, gently rubbing each finger. He went back up to the boy's shoulder blades, smoothing his hands over them, and Eren couldn't help but flex them minutely, pretending to shift to get more comfortable, teasing the man as he had done to him, and he could have sworn he heard the soft click of Levi's throat convulsing, swallowing excess saliva at the sight.

"Feel good?" the older man asked, voice thick, and Eren managed to hide his pleased smile in his pillow.

"So good," the boy mumbled, soothed stupid by all of the endorphins Levi was released by rubbing away the tension in his muscles.

"Good. That's…good," Levi found himself babbling.

The older man was trying to keep his racing thoughts still, to pin them down and stop them from going places he'd rather not, but he couldn't help it. The moment he had seen all of Eren's bare, caramel colored skin laid out like this, caressed by shadows and highlights in the low light, looking so soft and supple, had sent heat trickling down his breast to pool in his stomach. The minute he had touched that smooth, warm skin, the heat had only traveled lower. And throughout the massage, the shifting of Eren's muscles under his skin, the mere sight of his ribs expanding and contracting subtly as he breathed, the expression on his face scrunching into something like pleasure and accentuated by the small whimpers and tiny, moaning sighs he released whenever Levi rubbed away a particularly painful knot, was only sending the heat lower. Even just the sight of the boy's skin giving slightly under his hands as he smoothed away the tension in his body, and the mere knowledge that he was bringing him some relief, had him swallowing convulsively.

He moved away from Eren's shoulders blades and worked on his neck, forcing the awful tension he felt in that area to bleed away. He had to hold back a shiver at Eren's contented sigh, before he worked his way back down. He rubbed his way down on either side of the boy's spine, remembering when it had practically broken through the skin of his back as a testimony to how starved he was. Now, it had softened into a slight dip in Eren's back, as it should be. He kept going lower, trying to hide how unsteady his breathing was growing when he reached Eren's lower back and was met with two, teasing, tempting, thumbprint sized dimples at the base of the boy's spine. He licked his lips, resisting the urge to let his hands linger any longer than necessary.

 _Cut the shit,_ he scolded himself, _Eren is trusting you to help him, not make him more uncomfortable. Stop the flow of testosterone for two seconds before things get awkward and he never trusts you to touch him aga-_

Levi froze when Eren shifted again and his movements revealed a sliver of bare hipbone and more importantly, that his behind was also bare. He felt his heart quicken in his chest, his eyes widened, and he asked haltingly, "Eren? Did you want me to, um, massage down here too?"

Eren, more asleep than awake, suddenly felt himself being pushed a little closer to awareness at the question, and he forced his sleepy mind to mull it over. Was that truly what he wanted? He didn't actually think Levi would come to that assumption, and Eren hadn't planned on him doing such a thing. But now that the suggestion was made, Eren found that it was making him equal parts nervous and excited. So far, nothing Levi had done had triggered any flashbacks, and any nervousness he had felt he was delighted to see had vanished once he allowed himself to ignore his fear and sink into the comfort and good feelings the massage offered him. Levi was being so methodical, so gentle and careful, just like he always was, and Eren had no doubt he would do the same if he touched him in more intimate areas. But at the same time, what if the touch sent him into a panic? What if it was too much too soon, and it made him never want Levi to touch him again?

Eren took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. His future with Levi was at stake, and if he lived in fear of "what ifs" forever, if he let the terror Nile had instilled in him control him forever, he would never make any progress. And it was then that Eren decided he was more scared of losing his home with Levi than he was of Nile, and that his faith in Levi outweighed any of his apprehension. He trusted the man to take care of him, and he also wanted to test the boundaries of his desire for him, to see if it was as strong as he hoped. If his desire for Levi was as strong as he hoped it was, it would be another step towards him healing completely.

Towards both of them healing completely.

"Yes," Eren said, "Go ahead."

"You're sure?" Levi wondered, "I don't want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable."

The boy smiled softly. "I trust you, and you saying things like that is just part of the reason why I trust you. I promise I'll tell you if I want you to stop."

"Alright, kid. I'll hold you to that."

And so, before either of them could change their minds, Levi pulled back the blanket to Eren's thighs, put more massage oil on his hands, and began.

The older man's face burned as he worked, trying to be as methodical and professional as possible, hyperaware of every one of his movements. He kept looking up at Eren's face constantly and keeping an eye his body language, preparing to stop if he looked anything less than completely relaxed. On the one hand, it was good Eren had asked him to do this area as well, because it was also tense. On the other, Levi could feel the heat in his lower belly flaring at the sight of Eren's pert little rear. Of course he had noticed Eren had a nice butt before, but actually seeing it like this, vulnerable and devoid of any clothing, was a different experience entirely. He tried to be brief, tried not to think about where he was touching, but God the skin down here was so soft, so pliable, and dare he say it, even a little plush. He wanted to kiss it, to taste the thin, sensitive skin, but he clenched his jaws shut, and instead moved down to Eren's thighs. Granted, touching his thighs made Levi's fingertips tingle just as badly and made him just as nervous, and when Eren adjusted his legs slightly into a more comfortable position and he not only felt the muscles flex under his hands, but saw his butt clenching slightly as well, he knew he was going to have to wrap this up before any more of his blood drained from his head and settled down south.

So, Levi made it a point to massage Eren's legs and feet a little faster than he normally would, finally covering him up when he declared himself done and told Eren he would step out again so that the boy could get dressed.

"And you'll probably want to take an earlier shower," he advised, "That oil is a bit greasy and can get uncomfortable."

"Mmm, alright," Eren said groggily. He sat up to regard Levi with a drowsy smile, the blankets pooling in his lap. Levi raised an eyebrow at him, but found himself mirroring that smile as well.

"What?" he asked.

Eren's grin only grew, and he requested impishly, "Come here."

Curious, Levi did as he was told, and made his way back to the side of the bed, not entirely surprised when the boy pulled him down by the front of his shirt for a kiss, but what did surprise him was the intensity of the kiss. It was slightly sleepy and slow, but it was also damp and heady, and filled to the brim with affection and gratitude. Eren didn't hesitate to push his way past Levi's teeth with his tongue and let it caress Levi's own. The boy also rubbed his hands down Levi's chest, before bringing them back up to cup the sides of his neck, thumbing the soft, delicate skin and delighting in the sensation of the other man's jaw working just above his fingertips as he kissed back. In fact, with that kiss, any remaining blood in Levi's head fled directly downwards to circulate between his legs, and he found himself surrendering happily to the boy's kiss.

However, all too soon, Eren was pulling away, a trail of saliva connecting their parted lips, a testimony to just how enthusiastic they had gotten. Wiping his mouth and giggling with embarrassment, Eren finally said, "So, uh, yeah. Thank you. We'll have to do this again, I feel a lot better."

"I'll say," Levi said breathily, "if that's the kind of kiss I get at the end of each session."

Eren playfully pushed his head away, and Levi finally left to let him get dressed. He did so, though Eren only really pulled on a robe before gathering up his pajamas and heading into the bathroom to shower. Levi was right; this massage oil, while not as greasy as it could be, left a residue that was uncomfortable enough that he wanted to wash it off as soon as he could. He placed his pajamas on the floor and turned on the water, letting it get warm while he took off his robe and hung it on the hook on the back of the door. Once he stepped inside the shower and closed the curtain behind him, a sudden thought occurred to him.

Maybe now, in his relaxed and agreeable state, so relaxed in fact that for the moment fear was a distant memory, perhaps now would be a good time to act on one of Petra's other suggestions.

Eren continued to mull over the possibility as he washed his hair and soaped up his body, letting his hand linger slightly as he scrubbed between his legs. However, as the suds were rinsed away, he was greeted with the same sight he was every time he had the misfortune to look upon himself without clothes. The multitude of scars that littered the area around his groin always reminded him harshly of how he received them, and normally it would inspire shame and guilt in him, but tonight a particular thought accompanied it.

What if Levi never wanted him the way Eren wanted him? What if he saw these scars and was disgusted by them? Or worse, what if they reminded him of his own trauma, and he found he could never look at Eren again?

The boy shook his head, recognizing the downward spiral his thoughts were threatening to fall into and managing to pull himself out of it. He couldn't worry about such a thing, not if he wanted to get better. Petra had said whatever partner he'd choose to have sex with would understand his situation and would care deeply about him, and Levi fit both descriptions. He had to have faith that the man wouldn't be disgusted by his scars, that Levi was better than that. He was. Eren knew he was.

With that assertion, the boy took a deep breath, and emptied his mind. Petra had explained in more detail before Levi had come back that the key to feeling pleasure during masturbating wasn't just physical, but mental as well. If Eren created the right fantasy in his mind, it would help make the experience that much more enjoyable. However, he didn't think he was ready to put his hands on himself right that very minute, and he wondered if there was something else he could use to ease himself into the experience. His eyes fell upon the removable shower head, and he pulled it out of its slot, steeled himself, and then aimed the semi-strong stream of water between his legs.

Eren sucked in his breath at the initial contact, but didn't panic. He was still boneless from the massage, too sleepy to fully feel fear, and the water on his length felt different than hands would. It was actually quite pleasant, once he got used to it, warm and all-encompassing without being too intimidating. He even felt goosebumps break out over his skin, despite the heat of the water. Breathing out a shuddering breath, he began to move it, letting the water beat upon his skin in an up and down motion, stroking his member with the warm stream. He closed his eyes, blocking out all other sights, and began to build a fantasy in his mind.

He felt Levi's warm hand stroking him, caressing the thin, sensitive skin of his member with his fingertips. He felt the other leaning his forehead against Eren's, his breaths just as unsteady and trembling as the boy's, felt his breath damp on his lips as he murmured to the boy how beautiful he was, how he didn't care about his scars and that they didn't make him want Eren any less. He saw the way Levi's body hovered over his, but he felt completely safe, comforted, Levi's body a shield against any outside influences that might do them harm and a warm haven for Eren to hide himself against. He felt the other man's soft, gentle kisses on his face, each one a whispered promise without words that he'd never abandon him and that everything would be okay. Eren felt himself widening his legs just slightly, and when he looked down, he noticed that he was indeed on his way to becoming fully hard. So, he figured it was time to take it to the next step, and he placed the shower head back onto its stand, before he placed he took himself in hand, not allowing himself to hesitate.

Slowly, his hand began to move, and he felt his scalp begin to prickle with nerves at first, expecting some sort of pain, but then banishing it a second later when he knew his fears were ridiculous. This was his own hand, and he wouldn't hurt himself. This was his own body, he thought determinedly, and he could do whatever he wished with it. Nile was no longer his "master." His body was his to give to whomever he chose.

With that, he forcefully dove back into his fantasy, although this time, he didn't imagine Levi stroking him; he imagined his own hand on the other man, and the things he was feeling were the sensations he was sure Levi would feel if Eren touched him there. He imagined the man's face scrunching up in pleasure, his brows drawing together, his wetted lips parting to make way for little panting breaths, unable to keep his hips still, much like Eren found he was having trouble doing now. He teased the area just behind the head of his cock, and his jaw dropped open on a stifled groan. Eren was sure Levi would have the same reaction, and Eren stroked that area again. But he imagined Levi, stoic as he could be sometimes, would try his hardest to remain quiet, and Eren would take it as a challenge.

"It's alright," Eren murmured to the Levi in his fantasy, "You can make noise. I want to hear you. I want to hear how good you feel."

Eren would inch his fingers up his length, tease the sensitive head, and Levi would gasp at the sharp zing it created. Feeling bolder, the boy decided he'd do it again, and even dipped his finger inside the slit at the tip, rubbing it gently. Levi would then let out a tremulous whimper at the pleasant burning sensation. And Eren would decide to really get him going, and begin to stroke him up and down more persistently.

"Faster," Levi would gasp, leaning his forehead against Eren's shoulder, panting against his skin and heating it up with his breath, "More, Eren."

The older man would then kiss up the side of his neck, his movements clumsy and too enthusiastic as he lost himself to his passion. And he'd do as Levi would ask, stroking him faster, giving him _more_ , helpless to deny the many who had given him everything anything. He'd repay him for his kindness in full, and Eren would make him feel more amazing than he had ever felt in his life.

Eren could feel the heat building and boiling in his loins, could feel a sharp, burning pressure that he knew had to be an orgasm waiting, just waiting to be released. It was so close, if only Eren could find that one thing that would send him over the edge…

He stroked himself faster, squeezed his hand tighter, but it ended up being what he did with his mind that made the magic happen. He imagined Levi's desperate breaths, his pleading whispers for Eren to finish him, "Oh God, oh Eren, it's- keep… _good._ I can't, I'm going to- do it, make me come, you're so wonderful Eren…I, ah! _Eren!_ "

And it was that imagined image of Levi tossing his head back as his orgasm overtook him, of the sweat shining softly on his forehead, of the perfect arch of his back, of the flush filling his face and travelling down his neck, of his cry of Eren's name, that made Eren come and come blissfully. The boy clenched his teeth together as his cock pulsed in his hand, feeling the warm rush of his release leave his body, and feeling the wonderful, impossibly tight burn of everything below his belly.

Once it was over, he slid down the shower wall, his knees giving out and his head feeling dizzy, little whimpers leaving him on every exhale. For a moment, he couldn't think past the euphoria that clouded his every sense, but once it began to pass, he felt first shock, and then an undercurrent of pride. A series of semi-hysterical giggles bubbled out of him, breathy and barely there due to his exhaustion.

He had done it. He had wrestled his fear into submission and showed it he was above it. Eren had showed Nile who was the true master over him. He knew it may not be as easy next time, but at least now he knew he was capable of owning his own body. He also knew that his desire for Levi was not only strong, but strong enough to work him into an orgasm, and that maybe, just maybe, he was capable of someday having sex with the man he considered to be the most important person in his small world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title means "my true master."


	17. Blühen

Ever since his successful session in the shower, Eren was filled with a new confidence he didn't know was possible for someone in his position to possess. Best of all, it began to pervade every aspect of his life, to the point where he even suggested to Levi that they try going to the grocery store again, and Eren's confidence in himself only grew when the trip went without incident. Combined with the fact that the anti-depressants were kicking in and Petra's sessions were helping to unload all of his traumas and teaching him how to deal with them, and it all worked to add a little extra spring in Eren's step, for the world to look a little brighter to his eyes, and for him to walk around with his head held a little higher.

It also led him to one afternoon, after observing how pretty the long, lean line of Levi's neck looked in one of his open collared shirts, to have the confidence to turn a simple kiss they shared on the couch into something much more heated. It gave him the confidence to carefully straddle the older man, settle himself in his lap, and spread the kisses from his lips to his cheek and over to his ear, Eren gently nosing the shell of his ear before he teasingly ran his lips along it.

"Christ, when did you get so bold?" Levi wondered, rubbing Eren's shoulders.

Eren laughed quietly and said in a low voice, "You liking it?"

Levi grinned at the feeling of the kid's breath tickling his ear, that slightly deeper voice of his sending blood pooling straight down between his thighs. When he felt Eren begin to nibble his ear, his eyes fluttered shut and he said hoarsely, "I have zero problems with it. I'm very proud of you, brat."

"Mmm," Eren hummed in acknowledgement, Levi's happiness with him making him feel warm and boosting his confidence just that much more. He gave his ear a parting lick, before he traveled lower, nosing the area just under Levi's ear. His scent collected heavily there, and Eren couldn't help but pull in a deep breath, the familiar smell of coconuts mixed with masculine musk meeting his nose.

"You smell so good," he breathed, kissing the thin skin there.

"Yeah?" Levi said, and turned his nose towards Eren's hair as well, also breathing in his woodsy, musky smell. "So do you."

Eren gave him another kiss under his ear as a thank you, before he let his lips travel a little lower, feeling them tingle every time they made contact with Levi's skin. Growing curious when he reached Levi's neck, he placed a gentle, chaste kiss against it, wanting to taste the pretty, pale skin that had captivated his attention, but also unsure if it would be okay with Levi. When the man didn't show any reaction but a slightly quickened rate of breathing, Eren grew bolder and finally gave in. He placed an open mouthed kiss against the delicate skin, letting his tongue taste it, and he heard Levi's breath hitch noticeably by his ear, as well as felt a shiver run all the way down the man's spine. He placed another open mouthed kiss on his neck, then another, and felt Levi angle his head away, giving Eren better access and pressing his neck into his ministrations. He gripped Eren's shoulders, biting his lip when the boy's lips traveled to the front of his neck, kissing his milky throat, nipping at his Adam's apple, and dipping his tongue down into the hollow of his throat. He tipped his head back, heat flushing in his face and travelling all the way to his ears, before running down his neck. Eren felt the skin heat up noticeably under his tongue and against his sensitive lips, and he had to hold back a grin.

Tenderly, he ran his hands down Levi's chest, caressing it, feeling his heart pound against his palm. It was rising and falling rapidly under his touch. Eren then ran his hands down Levi's sides, letting them stop at the bottom of his shirt. Still kissing his neck and throat, Eren slipped his fingers under Levi's shirt, breath hitching when he felt his warm skin meet his fingertips. Levi gasped in turn, especially when Eren began to rub small circles against his sides.

"God, you're so pretty," Eren said as he lifted his head and placed a quick kiss against Levi's lips and then added, "How in the hell did I get lucky enough where someone like you chose someone like me?"

Levi cupped the back of the boy's head, leaned up to return the kiss, and said, "I ask myself the same thing about you."

But before Eren could reply, Levi was returning the favor, ravishing the boy's neck in damp, heated kisses. Eren gasped, reached up and gently dug his fingers into Levi's hair, before dragging them backwards through the strands. Levi shivered from the pleasurable sensation, and continued to suck lightly at the thin skin of Eren's neck, careful not to leave any marks. Eren couldn't help but press his neck into Levi's lips, silently demanding more. The older man grinned against his neck at his enthusiasm; however, his grin disappeared when Eren began to roll his hips against Levi's lap. At that, Levi leaned back, feeling a groan crawling up his throat at the sensation. Eren however did groan, deeply, the sound vibrating in his chest, lips parting so that he could pant.

The boy had never felt anything like this. He spread his legs a little further, trying to gain more friction, still running his fingers through Levi's hair, and asked breathily, "Good?"

"Yeah," Levi assured him, finding himself trying to meet every roll of Eren's hips, "Yeah. Shit, it's- _Eren._ "

Eren felt himself groaning even louder when he heard Levi say his name like that, rolling his hips more frantically against the other man's, feeling the heat between them building and building.

"On your back," Eren told him, "Please, let me…"

Levi didn't need to be told twice. He leaned back against one of the armrests of the couch, pulling Eren over the top of him as he did so. They continued their kissing, although at this point there was more brushing of their lips happening than actual kissing as their panting grew heavier. Instead, Levi reached up and began mouthing at Eren's neck again, liking the reaction he had gotten before and hoping to get a stronger one by kissing different places this time. He kissed his way down Eren's collarbone and even over to his shoulder, pushing his shirt out of the way, humming in appreciation at the lovely sensation of flushed skin under his tongue and Eren's appreciative gasps and whispers of encouragement. The boy slotted himself between Levi's legs, resuming rolling his hips, and finding that the friction was even better and more delicious at this angle. And…yes, that was definitely the beginning of an erection against his, Levi was enjoying this too, and that knowledge above all else, that the person he cared about most in the world was finding pleasure in his body as much as he was in his, made Eren happy.

While Levi continued to nip and suck lightly at his neck, Eren tried to find an even better angle, reaching down to gently grab Levi's thighs just behind his knee and lift them. He heard Levi draw in a sharp breath at the action, and his breathing became even more rapid when Eren began to stroke first the outside of his thighs, and then letting his hands rove around to the insides. The boy stared down at his face as he did so, wanting to see his reaction, but in doing so, he realized quickly that Levi wasn't panting from pleasure anymore.

Instead, his face was twisting quickly into an expression of panic.

" _Stop squirming, you little-Pierce, hold him dammit!"_

_There were four of them, four of the huge men holding down his naked, emaciated body. One was holding his wrists over his head, one holding him down by his chest, and one at each leg. Levi writhed and arched, fighting as hard as he could, but even though he was a teenager now, it didn't make a difference. He was simply too weak to fight them off, too weak to prevent them from grabbing his leg and forcing him to bare the inside of his thigh to them. And when he caught sight of the small needle they were holding over the flame of a lit candle, he could do nothing but cry. In fact, he hoped crying might get them to leave him alone; it had in the past, as when he cried they often came, and that meant his torture was over._

_But that didn't appear to be the case this time._

" _Yeah?" one of them said mockingly when Levi let loose a particularly loud sob, "Go ahead, cry some more, see if it does you any good."_

_Levi tore his eyes away from them, catching sight of the glowing needle descending towards his vulnerable thigh. Adrenaline flooded his body, and he fought harder, fear blinding him to logic as he cried for the only person he knew would save him in this place._

" _Mama!" he called out so loudly that his throat hurt from it, "MAMA!"_

" _Cry all you want, slut," Marlow taunted him, "But no matter what you do, the world is still going to know what you are by the time I'm done with you."_

_And with that, he set the needle to Levi's skin, and began to carve._

And just like that, the haze of the Red Room bled out of the walls, replaced by the cool blues and greens of his own home. His own agonized screams began to fade from his ears, and he began to remember that the terror of that moment belonged in another world. However, Levi's breaths were still raspy in his throat and adrenaline still coursed through his limbs. He was still lying on his back on the couch, and he flicked his gaze around the room, halting when his eyes landed on Eren. His heart dropped to his stomach when he saw that the boy was standing across the room, trembling, eyes filled to the brim with worry and fear. He looked like he dearly wanted to flee, but the only thing tethering him to the ground was his overwhelming concern for the other man.

"Eren," Levi began, and then stopped. He managed to sit up, the world tilting and black pulsing at the edges of his vision. When he placed his hands in his lap he noticed not only that they would not stop shaking, but that his fingertips were pale and he could feel his pulse fluttering weakly in them.

However, the instant Levi said his name, it was as if the floodgates had opened, and the tears welled up in Eren's eyes as he burst out, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean-are you okay? I…no, I'll leave, I"-

But the last thing Levi wanted him to do was leave. Quickly, the older man shook his head, effectively cutting Eren off, and instead held open his arms, a wordless plea for comfort. Eren didn't hesitate to race back over to the couch and pull Levi against his chest, hugging him as tightly as he possibly could, which was exactly what Levi wanted at that moment. He dug his nose into the hollow of Eren's throat and hid his face against him, returning the embrace by wrapping his arms around the boy's waist. He was so dizzy that he had to close his eyes and just concentrate on breathing, trying to lose himself in Eren's warm, solid presence and ground himself in the present as best he could. He could feel the beginnings of disassociation setting in, the world trying to spin away from him, and it only made the adrenaline spike harder. He needed something else to focus on, and fast.

"E-Eren," he said again, voice breaking slightly, "Please talk. About anything. I need to hear your voice for a minute."

"Okay, okay," Eren nodded above him, relieved that he didn't seem to be upset with him, and then set to comfort Levi the way the older man had comforted him so many times. "It's going to be alright, I'm right here. I'm here, for whatever you need. You promised you'd never leave me, and I'll never leave you either, Levi. I've got you."

"Hold me tighter," Levi begged. He still felt like he was on the verge of floating away, and only the bruising pressure of Eren's arms could keep him where he was.

Eren tightened his grip and set his head on top of Levi's, feeling nauseous at how shaky and hot his breaths were against his neck, at how hard he was trembling. He continued to talk, trying to keep his words soft and his tone even, anything to get Levi's too fast and too weak pulse to slow down.

"I've got you," Eren continued, "Nothing's going to hurt you while I'm here. You always protect me, so I'll protect you too. Easy, easy. Just focus on breathing while I worry about everything else. That's it…there you go…"

Slowly, gradually, Levi began to return to himself, every element of Eren: his voice, his warmth, his smell, and his touch, working to pull him back. After a few minutes, his breathing finally resembled something normal, but a new problem rose up to take its place. His insides began to churn with nausea, guts groaning unhappily, and he found himself trying to sit up and push Eren away.

"Bathroom," he explained when the boy looked at him with confusion, and Eren didn't need to be told twice.

Mustering every ounce of strength he possessed, the Eren lifted Levi up from the couch, holding him under his rear while Levi held on by wrapping his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist. He got him into the bathroom and carefully lowered him in front of the toilet, pulling up the lid and seat, before he kneeled down beside Levi. The man set his chin on the rim, head still feeling too dizzy to hold it up for too long, and Eren rubbed a hand up and down his back.

They sat like that for several minutes with nothing happening, and the only sounds filling the slightly echoing silence of the bathroom were Levi's heavy breaths and the gurgling of his unsettled insides. Eren placed a sympathetic kiss in his hair after every sound, blaming himself for Levi's current physical and mental state.

However, as if he could read his mind, Levi told him firmly, "None of this is your fault."

Eren bit his lip and shook his head, insisting, "Yes it is. I shouldn't have touched you like that. I made you uncomfortable, and then you begged me to stop and"-

"And did you stop?"

"I practically threw myself off you and just stood there across the room. I was too scared to touch you again."

"Then you have nothing to worry about," Levi said, "I didn't give you any indications I was uncomfortable until that point, and when I did, you stopped. If anything, I'm madder at myself. I wanted it, I was enjoying what we were doing, and then I had to go and ruin it."

"Levi, stop," Eren chastised, "You didn't ruin anything. I should have been more vigilant."

Miraculously, the man managed a smirk and glanced up at Eren as he said, "Well either we're both at fault or neither of us at fault, and I know it wasn't your fault."

"Fine then, it's neither of our faults," Eren relented, leaning forward to kiss the top of Levi's head.

Levi sighed, and sat there for another ten minutes, before he finally said, "I don't think I'm going to be sick."

"Want me to carry you out?" Eren offered.

Levi shook his head, and hummed a negative, "Mmm mm. I can walk."

Nevertheless, he didn't reject Eren's help when the boy slung one of Levi's arms around both of his shoulders and encourage him to lean heavily against him. He also didn't protest when Eren led them both to Levi's room and helped to set him gently on the bed. And he didn't stop Eren when the boy raced off to the kitchen once he was sure Levi was settled and returned a moment later with a cup of water and a cool, damp washcloth. He first handed the cup to Levi and let him take a couple of sips, before he was dabbing at his face with the cloth, wiping the sweat away from his hairline and neck. The corner of Levi's lips twitched upward at his actions.

"You know, you fuss over me like my mom did," Levi said.

"Sorry," Eren huffed, not sounding sorry at all as he settled the cloth over the back of Levi's heated neck.

He smirked. "It was a compliment, brat. I'll admit, I missed being fussed over. It's nice to know someone cares."

Eren paused, and eventually muttered, "Oh," before going quiet again.

There was a moment of silence that was only filled by Eren rubbing Levi's upper arm, unable to stop touching him, worried that if he did he might fall apart all over again, even though the other man looked fine now. It was just his own paranoia, and he couldn't help it.

"How do you do it, Eren?"

Eren blinked at him stupidly, taken aback. "Huh?"

Levi elaborated, "How are you able to be so intimate with me like that so soon after the awful stuff that happened to you? I ask because I'm kind of…jealous. I've been out far longer than you have, and yet apparently I'm still the same cowardly"-

"Don't," Eren said firmly, "Don't you dare. You're not a coward. You told me that everyone heals at their own pace and that you can't bully yourself into getting better. I think with me, it's just a matter of deciding what I'm more scared of: Nile, or losing you. I've decided now it's losing you, since Nile is dead. I can't let myself be afraid anymore if I want to get better, and I can't stay with you unless I get better. So there's a lot of motivation."

"…I see," Levi mumbled, half to himself. He then met Eren's eye, hesitated, and then ruffled his hair. Eren huffed out a breath in response, and Levi added when he saw his annoyed expression, "I think I want to be like you when I grow up."

Eren raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you making fun of me or something?"

"No, moron. I'm complimenting you. Again." He leaned up and gave Eren a peck on the cheek, causing the boy to blush vividly.

"Oh. Okay," Eren replied intelligently, before he was leaning forward and placing his chin on top of Levi's head, keeping his blushing face out of the older man's view.

Levi sighed contentedly, enjoying the affection, and said, "I think in a couple weeks for Memorial Day, we need to take a little trip."

"A trip where?" Eren asked.

"A trip to visit someone I always go to whenever I need advice."

000

It didn't surprise Eren at all when they arrived at the cemetery, but he was in fact a bit nervous. This could only mean Levi was taking him here to meet one person, and he had no idea how this was going to go. But Eren knew his feelings of nervousness were unfounded. After all, the person they were going to meet was no longer alive.

Soon, they were both stepping out of the car, Eren carrying a tiny bundle of violets he had wrapped together with a piece of hemp, and Levi carrying a tray of sweet peas that were ready to be planted. Eren didn't know what he expected, but the intensity of the sad stuttering of his heart when they came across the gravestone of Kuchel Ackerman just a few headstones away from an old willow tree was not it. There was something different about just hearing the name of Levi's dead mother versus seeing the confirmation that she was in fact dead literally written in stone in front of him. It made him feel pain for Levi, and also brought his own long buried pain rising to the surface.

Eren swallowed it down for now, instead placing his violets at the base of the stone beneath her name, watching as Levi began to dig a couple of holes in the ground with his trowel.

"What did your mom look like?" Eren asked, "I just realized I've never seen pictures of her."

Levi shrugged. "I don't have any. I mean, there were pictures taken of her, but when we were kidnapped, I never saw them again. So now I guess I just have my memories of what she looked like, and that's enough."

Eren smiled softly. "What did she look like?"

The other man matched his smile, pulling the first sweet pea from the tray and putting it in the ground. "Well, people said we looked a lot alike. We had the same eyes, the same color hair, same color skin. She was a bit taller than me though. It's funny, you know? I'll never know who my dad is, but I don't need to. My mom and I looked so similar that it's almost like she just made me herself."

Eren laughed, and said, "From what you've told me about her, she was awesome enough that I wouldn't put it past her."

Levi chuckled in return, and Eren took in the sight of the couple of crickets that had hopped up onto the base of the headstone. He didn't miss Levi's subtle, wistful smile at them either. And then, another question popped into the boy's head, one he felt slightly silly for asking, but figured it couldn't hurt.

"Would your mom have liked me?"

Levi paused for a moment, and then finished patting the dirt around the sweet pea, before moving onto the next one, saying with surety, "I think so. Hell, I know she would have. You two are very similar. Actually, I should be thankful she's gone in that regard. God forbid you two ever met, you might kick-start the apocalypse."

"Oh yeah?" Eren wondered with a grin so large it seemed to eat his face, "What do you mean by that?"

The older man met his shit eating grin with a dry expression and deadpanned, "That." He gestured to Eren's face. "That shit right there. You two have the most evil grins. I could only imagine, she'd start to tell you the most embarrassing crap about me, and then you'd encourage her, and it would start off a never ending loop of hellfire and destruction, leaving you two to cackle into the night at my expense. In fact, I'd always get that face right after I'd do something embarrassing and she'd tell me 'I can't wait to tell your future girlfriend about this someday.'"

Eren snorted and Levi continued, "You both are wild and crazy too. Ah Jesus, the stories my mom could have told you…one of her gems was this time she went to this party as a teenager. Some guy slipped a bag of some white powdery stuff to her and told her to meet him upstairs after she'd taken it. Of course she wasn't having any of that shit and she dumped it in the sugar bowl. She told me she was pretty sure it was cocaine before, was definitely sure after how jittery everyone started acting after someone decided to stir more sugar into the punch."

After that, Eren was bent over laughing, holding his stomach and stuttering out, "R-Really? Oh my God, go Levi's mom. Holy shit, I love her."

"She'd love you too," Levi repeated, "I can imagine bringing you home to her for the first time...she'd probably look you up and down for a minute, and you'd try to say hi, I'm Eren, nice to meet you, and she wouldn't answer you, just get really quiet. And it'd unsettle you, and I'd just be rolling my eyes in the background going, 'Mom, don't do this now, just say hi like a normal person.' And she'd shush me, and keep looking at you, like she could see right into your soul before she'd say, 'You have good energy, the same kind of energy as a forest at night. Yes, you can stay.' And then she'd look at me and be like, 'He's way too pretty for you.'"

"I am way too pretty for you," Eren agreed smugly.

"God, you're agreeing with her already," Levi shook his head despondently, sending Eren into another fit of laughter.

When he recovered, he sat up straight, watching as Levi finished planting the last of his sweet peas, and then asked, "Did your mom like being called Kuchel or Ms. Ackerman by people who didn't know her?"

"Kuchel," the man told him, "She would have complained Ms. Ackerman made her sound like a secretary or some shit."

Eren grinned hugely, and then kneeled down beside him in front of the gravestone, before reaching forward to touch the stone with his fingertips. He then said softly, "Well Kuchel, it's nice to finally meet you. I'm sorry you can't be here to tell me all of those awesome, embarrassing stories, but I hope you won't mind if I take care of your son for you until you can see him again someday. I know you guys went through some shit, but I did too, so I can't really think of anyone better for the job. Well, I mean there's professionals and all that, but he won't let any of them kiss him. And we kiss a lot. I mean…ugh, sorry, I probably shouldn't be telling you that, just…I'll stop talking now."

When he turned to look at Levi to see what his reaction was, Eren was quite taken aback. Levi was smiling, but there were also tears lining his waterline, and he quickly pulled into a one armed embrace, hiding his tears over the top of his head and tucking his face against his neck.

"You're something else, you know that?" he said, "Thank you, Eren. Thank you for being you."

Eren wasn't entirely sure what he was being thanked for, but Levi was hugging him, so he decided to just go with it. However, after a moment where the older man took a few shuddering breaths to compose himself, Levi asked, "So what would your parents think of me?"

The boy set to think about it for a minute, shifting on the ground to get more comfortable, before deciding, "Well, I'd hope they'd like you. My dad was a doctor, so he could be a bit intimidating, but he told a lot of dad jokes so he'd ruin any fear you'd possibly feel around him. My mom…"

That was when Eren realized he hadn't thought much about his parents sent he had learned about their deaths. He really hadn't had time. Hell, he had only really just learned they had been gone a few months ago, and now that knowledge was rushing in, bringing with it a wave of pain so intense that it nearly crushed him. He found himself gripping the front of Levi's shirt, trying to ground himself as tears stung his eyes, but he kept going.

"I was such a brat to my mom," he said, "I never listened to her, and I made her life hell. She was always patching me back together after I'd come home beat up from fights, telling me to man up and learn to let the mean things other kids said go. I never listened to her, but it never stopped her from loving me any less. She was so good to me, Levi. I didn't deserve her. Heh, she'd probably be happy I met you though. You keep me in line. But she-they're…they're _gone._ "

That was when the real, heavy crying started, and the tears overflowed down the sides of the boy's cheeks. Levi gripped him tighter, holding him through pain he knew well, pain he could feel bleeding into his own chest and tearing through his heart.

"I'm not going to get them back," Eren realized, "I'm not going to get them back. I never had a chance to apologize to my mom…"

"Shh, Eren, she knows you're sorry," Levi assured him, "She knows. She loves you. Both of them do. They both love you so much. And I promise I'll find out what cemetery they're buried at so you can go and visit them and tell them how much you love them, okay?"

"And you can meet them."

Levi smiled softly, and kissed his forehead. "Yes, brat, and I can meet them. And I can promise them face to face like you did with my mom that I'll take care of you too."

Against his neck, Eren smiled, small and bittersweet, but definitely there, comforted not only by Levi and his words, but by the soft breeze that blew by them, carrying the scent of the new sweet peas to his nose and the distant songs of crickets to his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "blossom." Anyone up for some more serious smut next chapter? :D


	18. Befreie Mich

The two of them decided the best way to spend one rainy afternoon a few days later was laying on the couch, Eren spooned behind Levi and curled around him protectively. His arms were wrapped around Levi's waist while the other man laid his hands over his, holding them in turn, the two of them just sharing a quiet moment accompanied only by the pattering of the rain outside. Eren had propped himself up slightly and began to pepper kisses casually over Levi's face, neck and ear, pausing every once in a while to nuzzle him with his nose. When the older man asked what he was doing, Eren had simply shrugged and said sometimes if he looked at Levi long enough, he could feel his heart becoming so full of happiness that it spilled over, and he had no choice but to channel the excess affection into soft kisses and nuzzles. Levi had simply uttered a quiet, "Oh," before going still again, face red, and lips curving into a pleased smile.

Eren continued slowly skimming his lips over Levi's cheek and moving them up towards his temple, before he murmured, "I was doing some digging around online this morning and I might have the perfect solution to your nervousness for more, intimate things."

"Oh?" Levi wondered curiously, "And are you going to be able to stop kissing me long enough to tell me what it is?"

"Don't know," Eren mumbled, "It's fun kissing you. Relaxing too. And you deserve all the kisses."

Levi huffed a breath of laughter, before he turned his head towards the boy and suggested, "Here, how about one more and then you tell me?"

"M'kay," he agreed, and then leaned down, slotting their lips together gently, Eren relishing the way Levi reached up and stroked his fingers through his hair, the little puffs of breath against his cheek as Levi breathed slowly through his nose, and the sounds their lips made as they moved against each other. When they separated, Eren couldn't resist giving Levi's bottom lip a parting, teasing nibble, and he grinned at the sight of the pink blush that had colored the other man's cheeks.

"So," Eren continued, Levi's fingers still stroking through his hair, carefully pulling out little knots and tangles, "My original thought was I wanted to try and give you a massage, like you gave me, because your massages helped me so much. But I wanted it to be kind of a surprise, so I started looking up techniques on my own, and in the list was an article for a, uh, different kind of massage. It's-It's called a Lingam massage."

"A what?"

"A Lingam massage. I mean, it said it included the rest of the body, but more specifically, it's a massage for ah, for your penis. And I mean, there's other stuff involved, but um, yeah, that's what it's most well known for."

Levi blinked at him steadily, apprehension spiking sharply at first, but slowly dying down to give way to curiosity. He finally asked, "Okay, and how do you think this would help me?"

Eren averted his eyes with a soft blush of his own, and clarified, "Well, actually I think it might help both of us. The article said above all a Lingam massage isn't about achieving an orgasm. It's supposed to be like any other massage, this one just happens to be for your genitals. It's also about connecting with your partner and becoming in tune with them. Worshipping their body and taking away bad energy and thoughts. It's supposed to be gentle and slow, and like I said, the goal isn't to orgasm, but if it happens, it said it's supposed to be more intense than normal. It all sounded good to me, like just what we'd need. And I know when I saw it my first thought was I wanted you to do it to me, but I feel like you need it more than I do right now. I mean, it's up to you though. I can show you the article and you can read it if you want."

He paused, watching Levi's face as he took in his words. It was blank for several moments, and the lack of reaction made the boy nervous. Immediately he began to babble, "I mean, we don't have to do it if you don't want to. I just…you got so scared last time, and it scared me, and I don't ever want to see you like that again, and I thought"-

"Eren, shh, you're fine," Levi cut him off, not unkindly. His eyes had gone soft and his apathetic expression disappeared to make way for a smile, "First of all, that's very sweet of you to think of me like that. And second of all, yeah, sure, I think we could give it a try."

Eren stared at him for a moment, wide-eyed, before he said, "Really? Are you sure? I mean, won't you be nervous? I don't want to make you nervous."

"Of course I'll be nervous," Levi admitted, "But I meant what I said before when I said I wanted to be like you. You're so much braver than I am, and if you can push past your fears to recover, I think I can too. I think I can try. I want to try. For you."

The boy flashed a blinding grin down at him, and leaned forward to kiss him, elated with his response. He then murmured against his lips, "I'm so proud of you. So, so proud of you."

Levi felt his heart stutter in his chest happily, his insides warming in response as he kissed back.

So afterwards, he had read the article Eren suggested, and a few more afterward, each one doing a good job to decrease his nervousness. He especially liked the ideas of relaxation the massage promoted, and more than anything, for the some reason, the emphasis of remaining in tune your partner throughout the massage appealed to Levi more than anything. It seemed so intimate, so wonderful and comforting, and he hoped that if he became more in tune with Eren, it would be easier to feed off that brave energy Levi was so envious of. Perhaps some of it might rub off onto him and make him braver as a result.

He decided not to waste any time, and asked Eren that they do the massage that night, deciding if he hesitated he might never work up the courage to do something like this again. So, cheekily, Eren told him to wait in the living room while he set up Levi's room, saying he was going to make it as special for him as Levi had for him. He was in there for several long minutes, before he at last beckoned Levi in.

When he crossed the threshold, the older man could safely say that he barely recognized his own room anymore. Eren had worked hard to set up the same sort of environment Levi had set up for him; dim lighting, scented candles, soft music, and an overabundance of blankets and pillows. It appeared as if he had emptied the closets and every other bed in the house of their blankets and pillows in fact, but it looked very comfortable. The whole room looked soft and safe, only made safer by the presence of the boy who had come up behind him to wrap his arms around his waist. Levi leaned back into him and reached up to caress Eren's cheek.

"Want me to leave while you get undressed?" Eren asked.

Oh, right. He was supposed to get undressed. Levi instantly felt his insides clench slightly, and he stiffened.

"No, you can stay," Levi told him, "I just…Eren, I know we've been naked in front of each other before, but you didn't really…see anything, did you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it's not pretty down there. What they did…"

Levi trailed off, feeling his gut start squirming around inside him, as if it were trying to push the rest of his organs out of the way. However, incredibly, he heard Eren begin laughing behind him. Not hard, loud, laughter, but something softer and more breathy. Levi raised an eyebrow, wondering what he was on about.

"Sorry," Eren explained, "It's just, I've been worrying forever that you might disgusted by me because it's not a pretty picture between my legs either. I'm just relieved. I suppose I never stopped to think that it might be same case with you."

Levi shook himself, and said guiltily, "Of course. I'm sorry as well, Eren, I should have known you'd understand perfectly. Hanji told me the day we first met you the kind of damage that was inflicted on you."

The boy rubbed his sides comfortingly, and said, "Would you like me to undress too? It might help."

Levi smirked. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours?"

"Exactly."

Deciding he might not feel as vulnerable if both of them were naked together for this, he relented, "Yeah, sure. We can do that. But…do you mind if you turn around while I undress? I'd just rather you didn't see everything…until you have to. I'm sorry, I know that sounds odd."

Eren stared at him for a moment, confused, but then said, "Don't be sorry. It's whatever you're comfortable with tonight."

"Thank you, Eren. I know I've said it before, but you're a good kid."

Eren felt his insides tingling with the compliment, and so happy was he that he couldn't resist giving Levi's cheek a peck, before he turned around towards the door and began to pull off his shirt. As he did, a thought occurred to him, and he decided to voice it before Levi could get much further in getting undressed.

"Here," he said, "it might help us if we think of every layer of clothing we take off as something negative we're trying to shed. Like our fear, our bad memories, that sort of thing."

Levi was halfway through pulling his shirt over his head when he heard Eren's suggestion, and replied with an uncertain, "Alright." He wasn't sure how that was supposed to help, but figured it couldn't hurt to try. So with a deep sigh, he let his shirt drop to the floor, and decided that was his fear of intimacy. He was going to leave it far behind to rot on the cold ground where it belonged. He didn't want to let it control him anymore, not when Eren was trying to so hard as well to let go of his own fear of the same thing. If Eren could do it, he could too. The boy deserved it, deserved all the affection Levi could possibly give him.

Next came his pants, rolled gently down over his thighs to pool at his ankles, and he decided that was his fear of the dark. He had been trapped in a dark room for most of his life, sickening anticipation eating him alive as he waited for those monsters to come in and drag him out of his mother's protective arms. He was trapped in the dark when he had been shot and then buried alive. The dark had tried to kill him, tried to tear apart his mind and replace it with its deadly poison that still ran through his veins today. The dark wasn't dangerous anymore, he told himself. Eren was there now, there to protect him from it, to cuddle him and speak soft words to him until the darkness released him. It no longer held any power over him.

Last was his underwear, and when that came off he was face to face with the evidence of his ordeal. The scars marred his flesh until it was more scar than skin, and every scar brought with it a distant memory of his screams, their malice, blood, terror, laughter and greed. But when his underwear joined his shirt and pants on the floor, he decided that it was his fear of the past he was leaving behind. It was done, already happened, and it couldn't hurt him anymore. His brain and body tried to convince him that it could still hurt him, tried to trap him in vivid visions and trick him into thinking he was back there once more. Fear was the hardest thing to let go of, he knew, because the mind remembers fear even when it forgets everything else. It was just how the animal brain was wired. If you remembered what you were afraid of, it meant you'd have a better chance of surviving. But Levi would fight against his instincts, against his very biology, because Eren was doing the same. And he wanted Eren far more than he wanted the fear that helped him to survive all those years ago. He didn't need it anymore.

He did need Eren. More than the breath in his lungs, more than his own heartbeat, more than the blood that ran through his veins. He needed this boy, to care for him, to hold him close and feel his warmth, to be protected by him and to make him happy. To-

"You all set?" Eren asked from across the room.

Levi snapped out of his reverie, and replied, "Yeah, just let me get under my blankets."

"Okay. Lay on your front first, I'll do your back and shoulders to start with, you know, ease you into it," Eren said.

He heard the rustling of the sheets behind him as Levi crawled into bed, and then only turned around when he heard the soft sound of the older man's voice telling him he was ready. When Eren turned around, he saw that the other man had buried himself up to his chin in his blankets, and that he was in fact laying on his front as requested. His face was also turned away from Eren, and his eyes were closed, comforting the boy slightly that he wasn't seeing his nakedness quite yet. It was silly, he knew, that he was still nervous about that, considering they had seen each other naked before, but that was for necessity. Levi had only helped Eren take a shower because the boy was too out of it to take one by himself. But now, seeing each other's bare bodies would be quite purposeful.

The boy took a deep breath to calm himself. Everything would be alright. Levi wouldn't hurt him, and he wouldn't hurt Levi. This was going to help, going to bring them closer together. He was going to let go of his fear. He had no other choice.

"I'm going to start doing your back," Eren told him once he was standing beside the bed, "And then when I tell you to, we can have you turn over. But for right now, I want you to relax. Take deep breaths that come from your belly, and I'll do the same."

"Okay," Levi answered, his words muffled by his pillow.

Eren however found that taking deep breaths was difficult when he pulled the blankets down and revealed the other man's bare back. In fact, he found himself sucking in a sharp, quiet breath, heat flooding his face with a vengeance. Levi's skin was so beautiful, the dips and curves of his body highlighted and shadowed by the candles in the room, gilding him in gold and making him look deliciously soft and warm. Eren had to tell himself to calm down and remind himself to rub the massage oil on his hands, before he carefully placed his hands on Levi's upper back, and began to work.

"Is this okay?" Eren asked after a moment, "Want me to go harder? Or softer?"

"Feels good," Levi sighed, "And you can go a little harder if you want."

Eren nodded behind him, and kept going, staring in fascination at how Levi's skin dipped beneath his fingers, feeling heat travel towards his ears at how warm his skin was, how soft and smooth it felt beneath his hands. As he began to travel lower, he couldn't resist bending forward and placing a gentle kiss on the nape of the other man's neck, and he smiled when he saw the corner of Levi's lips curve upwards in response and goosebumps spread across the man's skin. So Eren kept it up, working his way down Levi's spine, kneading the skin gently, and following it up with sweet kisses down his back.

"I've got you," he murmured into the other man's skin as he worked, "You're safe. You're so safe here. You know I'll never let anything happen to you. I'll keep you nice and calm and warm, like you do for me."

Levi's breath hitched slightly, emotion trickling down his throat to tingle in his chest at those words, and all he could reply with was, "Thank you, Eren. I know I'm safe. I trust you. I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone."

The boy felt his knees go weak at those words, unable to believe that was the case. But it was that trust that allowed Levi to feel comfortable enough to allow Eren to do this, to see this part of himself by his own free will. They had already bared their souls to each other; surely they could bare their bodies as well. He kept that thought in mind when Eren told him he was finished with his back and gave him the go ahead to flip over. He kept it in mind when the boy began to knead his shoulders, his upper chest and his sides. And he kept it in mind when Eren paused in his ministrations to travel back up his body and press their foreheads together, the boy's breath warm and moist on his cheeks.

"Breathe," Eren sighed, "Breathe with me. Deep and slow. It'll be okay."

"It'll be okay," Levi repeated, "I trust you. I-I want you to see me."

Eren grinned. "I want you to see me too. And Levi?"

"Hmm?"

"Petra told me in our last session that every cell in our bodies is destroyed and replaced every seven years. So that means you now have a body that your abusers have never touched."

Overcome by the peace that knowledge brought him, Levi placed a hand on the back of Eren's neck and pressed their foreheads together a little harder, before saying, "It's yours now. My body."

Eren denied, "It's no one's but yours."

"And I'm choosing to give it to you," the man insisted, "Only you."

The boy, unable to find the words to express how honored he was, chose instead to press a quick, soft kiss against Levi's lips, before finally saying, "And I'll choose to give my body to you too. I know I don't have to but I want to. You know, just taking advantage of that autonomy I just discovered I have."

He snorted quietly, and Levi leaned up to place another kiss to his lips. He then watched as Eren went back to the end of the bed took hold of the blanket still resting on his hips, and the boy watched him in turn as he slowly and purposefully pulled the blanket down until it was settled at the bottoms of his feet. Eren carefully sat himself on the bed, tucking himself between Levi's legs and swallowing hard, feeling his face burn. However, he could feel the heat dissipating slightly when he laid eyes on the multitude of scars that crisscrossed over each other, and the placement was much like Eren's was. They started just under his bellybutton and kept going until they stopped at his upper thighs. However, it was the strange scars on his inner thighs that gave Eren pause, and when he got a closer look he realized they weren't ordinary scars as well.

They were words.

The boy gave a gasp and placed a hand against his mouth, seeing that the words spelled out a message that started on his right thigh and kept going onto his left that together read _I'm a prostitute and proud of it._ He immediately lifted his head to look Levi in the eye, the boy's eyes rapidly filling with tears. Levi sat up, shushing him, and pulled Eren into an embrace.

"I'm so sorry!" Eren whimpered, "Oh my God, Levi, they- they"-

"With a needle," he explained, "It was a long time ago, Eren. Yes, they're hard to look at, and yes I wish there was a way to make them go away, but they belong in a past that can't hurt me anymore. I've decided that tonight. When I'm here with you, it makes the past seem that much further away. I'm safe with you, didn't I already say that?"

"Still," Eren sniffed, willing himself to calm down, "It's not fair."

"Neither are your scars," Levi pointed out, nodding down towards them, "But it doesn't matter, does it? Because you said I'm beautiful, and so are you. So as long as we find each other beautiful, these scars can't hurt us. They don't have any more power over us."

The boy nodded, pulling out of the embrace and wiping at his eyes. "You're right. They can't hurt us. Not here in this safe place, right? And my safe place is you."

Levi offered him a pleased smile in response, and said, "And you're mine. Now, let's continue shall we?"

With that, he leaned back again, slowing his breathing and listening as Eren rubbed more oil onto his hands and began to rub Levi's thighs, soothing the taut muscles into something more pliable. He even leaned down and kissed the awful words engraved into his skin, banishing their negative energy from existence in his mind and trying to weave more positive, warm energy into Levi's skin. He lifted his head and nodded purposefully when he was done.

"There," he said, "the bad energy is gone. I've put my own good energy there instead."

"Mmm," Levi hummed, feeling his thighs tingling pleasantly from the boy's touch, as if his blood was suddenly having an easier time flowing through his veins.

However, he knew what was coming next, especially when he heard Eren's throat click on an audible swallow, and he asked softly, "Levi? Is it alright if I…if I touch you?"

This was why Levi trusted the boy, he realized. Those men had never asked if it was alright to touch him; they just took what they wanted. But here was this kid who understood, who wanted to help, who had his head dipped in offering, who was as bare and vulnerable as Levi was, and was doing everything in his power to help him. How could he say no to something as special as that?

"Yes," he replied, "Go ahead, Eren."

Eren took a deep breath and let it out slowly to steady himself, and Levi found himself doing the same thing, watching Eren's belly pull in and push out air, and tried to match his rhythm. He watched as the boy put more oil on his palms, and carefully placed his hands on him. Levi was very proud of himself when he didn't panic, or even flinch, simply watching Eren curiously as he started off with a gentle, almost timid motion, simply holding Levi with his thumb and forefinger with his right hand, before placing his left hand over his right and holding him with that hand. He then placed his right over his left, then his left over his right, moving up his shaft until he reached the end, before doing it all again. He went slow, simply getting Levi used to the touch, not stopping until he could feel the older man's muscles un-tense around him, and saw his eyes close again. He then moved onto the next motion, reaching forward and gently rubbing at Levi's pubic bone, rubbing gently circles into his skin until it warmed under his touch and the muscles under his fingertips eased. He didn't fail to notice the goosebumps that appeared on the man's skin either, and Eren couldn't help the small smile that tugged on his lips.

"You alright?" Eren asked, already moving onto the next motion, which involved him simply holding his member in his hand and stroking up the underside with both of his thumbs, alternating between them.

"Mhmm," Levi hummed, before breathing out a deep sigh, "S'good. You're doing a good job, Eren. You sure you've never done this before?"

Eren laughed softly, his cheeks burning at his praise. "I promise I haven't. Thank you though."

He then continued, still running his thumbs up the thin, sensitive skin, marveling at the trust Levi was placing in him to view him like this, to touch him, that he was allowing someone like Eren the privilege of viewing his beauty in its entirety. And God was Levi beautiful. His thighs were full and strong, his rear sinfully touchable and plush, and his length itself was smooth and wonderfully warm, still flaccid in his grip. He kept alternating his gaze between what he was doing and Levi's face, watching for any signs of distress and readying himself to back off if need be. However, so far the man looked perfectly content, his breaths smooth, deep and even, his expression soft and content, eyelashes dark and lying on his cheeks peacefully. As time went on, he even spread his legs a little more, allowing Eren better access. The boy could feel his peace bleeding into him from where they touched, calming his tingling nerves and relaxing every one of his muscles.

He moved onto his next motion, which involved lightly caressing the tip as if he were trying to unscrew a lid from a jar. He kept his touch as light as possible, and yet he heard Levi gasp and saw his belly jump slightly with the motion. Worried that he had hurt him, Eren removed his hands suddenly.

"Are you okay?" he asked with concern.

"M'fine," Levi assured him, "Really, really fine. Sorry it's just…that might have felt- _much_ better than I was anticipating."

Eren didn't fail to notice the blush that was quickly coloring the other man's cheeks, and he understood. Curious, he decided to repeat the motion, pleased when he got the same reaction, although this time he could have sworn he saw Levi's blush deepen and begin to travel towards his ears. When Eren used both hands on his length and repeated the soft, screwing motion on his shaft, starting at the base and moving upwards towards his tip, he saw the red flush begin to cover his neck, even highlighting his upper chest. Levi kept breathing deeply, but it was clear he was fighting to do so. His brows pinched slightly, tilting upwards as Eren kept going. The boy could feel the member in his hands growing stiffer, filling with blood in response to the stimulation. It only seemed to grow more engorged when Eren began to murmur quiet words of encouragement.

"That's it, Levi," he breathed, the words washing over the man like a gentle wave, "You're doing so well. God, you're so beautiful, so very beautiful and special, and you're letting me touch you like this. I'm the luckiest person in the world."

He then pressed Levi's length against his lower belly, stroking upwards with his palm, while he gently pulled his scrotum downwards with is other palm, the skin between them stretching just slightly. It created a pleasant stinging sensation, coupled with the warmth of Eren's hands, and Levi couldn't help the small arch in his back, nor the tremulous whimper that escaped his throat. It sent a throb through Eren's body, and he couldn't help but spill more words in response.

"Look at you," he said reverently, "You're so pretty. Look at that pretty arch in your back, how pink your skin is, how soft and warm and open you are for me. You're so brave, and so perfect, Levi. You're so good, so good."

He then lifted Levi's shaft away from his body and instead opted to stroke it that way, still stroking his scrotum the opposite way. Levi spread his thighs a little more, subtly lifting his hips, pushing himself further in Eren's ministrations.

"More?" the boy asked, feeling his face burn and his heart pounding in his throat at the sight.

"More," Levi whispered, and then his voice dissolved into another helpless whimper when Eren's grip tightened. He became even less coherent when the boy began to massage the area just behind the head of his member. A deep groan bubbled up from his belly, followed by a sigh, a sigh Eren found himself matching. In fact, the whole experience of watching Levi shift around, trying to remain calm while also being slowly overcome by the pleasure sparking along his nerves, relaxation mixed with jolting pleasure, was visceral for him. It was almost as if he could feel every jolt in his own body, was absorbing every whimper and sigh into himself and it was helping the blood to collect between his legs as well. He could feel Levi's breath in his own belly, could feel his groans of pleasure vibrating up his own throat. He could feel Levi as he felt himself, and it made him dizzy with a euphoria he had never known before.

"Beautiful," Eren sighed reverently, "You're so beautiful that it breaks my heart. You deserve every pleasure and comfort in the world."

"Eren," Levi moaned softly, "Shit, you keep talking like that and I'll- I'm going to…"

The boy nodded in understanding, swallowing thickly. "Are you going to come, do you think?"

Levi nodded, his eyes still closed, completely lost in the soft, ethereal fantasy Eren had created with his hands and voice. For once, his past was far away, locked away in the shadows, and instead he was right where he wanted to be, pinned under the loving gaze of the person he cared about most in the world. His back kept arching, his hips undulating gently without his consent, pressing himself further into that exquisite touch, begging without words for _more._

The boy reached down towards his perineum, finding what he was looking for and beginning to massage there in small, circular motions. The skin was hard at first, but eventually softened under his touch, growing as pliable and warm as the rest of Levi. He also kept stroking from the bottom up on Levi's length, increasing the pressure and speed just slightly. The man's bottom lip trembled around another whimper, feeling his senses rapidly losing their ability to discern the colors in his world and instead turning everything a blinding white as several sensations assaulted him at once: the fingers pressing against something that seemed to stimulating his outsides from his insides, the other warm hand squeezing him deliberately, going fast and then slow, fast and then slow, like a wave upon the shores. It was too much to bear.

" _Eren,"_ Levi gasped in warning.

"I know," Eren panted, "I'm right here. Go ahead, Levi, it's okay."

"Eren. Eren, Eren…"

"Deep breaths, deep breaths, sweetheart. Deep breaths…"

Levi did as he was told, keeping the air in his belly as he came, and the resulting ecstasy from the action made him blind and deaf for several long moments. As he faded back into himself, he could see that the edges of his vision were dark and there was now a high pitched ringing in his ears. He also knew it would be next to impossible to lift his head or move any part of his body for the next several minutes, so heavy did he feel. His breath was shuddering in and out of his lungs faintly, and he barely registered hearing Eren panting above him, before the boy was crawling unsteadily towards the head of the bed, lying down beside him a moment later. He curled up against Levi with unsteady, jerky movements, burying his face into the crook of his neck, and it was that moment that Levi realized that the boy was trembling.

"You 'kay?" he mumbled, trying to force awareness into his exhausted brain.

"Fine, fine," Eren answered, curling a little tighter against the older man, "I'm fine, I promise. Just a little overwhelmed."

Levi laughed tiredly. "I hear you. Holy shit, kid. Do you have any idea how fucking amazing you are?"

The boy laughed in response. "Only outmatched by you. Imagine how it's going to be when we have real sex then?"

The older man let out another giddy laugh, before going quiet and allowing them to catch their breath. The two of them lay there for a moment, catching their breath, feeling their awareness slowly returning to them, Levi regaining the feeling in his limbs, and finally mustering the energy to roll over and pull Eren closer to him, pressing his lips to the crown of the boy's head and simply letting them rest there, until he was struck by a sudden thought.

"Hey," he said, "Are you…do you need me to, you know, take care of you too? I mean, you got hard from that too, didn't you?"

"You bet your ass I did," Eren snorted, "And don't worry, there's no need."

"What do you mean?"

The boy pulled back and simply looked at him in the eye meaningfully for a few moments, before he flicked his eyes down to the sticky remnants of his own release drying on his spent member.

"Didn't even have to touch myself," he confessed, "I just watched you, _felt_ you. I swear, I felt every good feeling you did, felt it in myself, and when you came, I could feel it in me too, and it kind of pushed it out of me. It was amazing."

Levi stared at him in awe, before pulling the boy in for a damp, affectionate kiss, tenderly stroking his jaw, overwhelmed by the implications of his words. However, he was more overwhelmed by the implications of his actions, and what they would mean for his future.

"Eren," he said when he pulled back, and the boy hummed curiously in reply, "You know what this means, right? You know what you did? You set us free. We're free, kid. Holy shit, we're finally free…"

And he kissed him again, feeling the happiness and relief he felt reciprocated in the young, tender body that had helped make it all possible, the two of them feeling each other as they had never felt the other before. They were one breath, one heartbeat, and now one song destined for the same distant horizon, and for once, they couldn't wait to see what lay in wait for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "set me free," and while I listened to a bunch of Enya songs for the most part while I wrote this, the main inspiration for this chapter was "One More Time" by Really Slow Motion. The bit where Levi has words carved into his legs was inspired by a real crime committed by a woman by the name of Gertrude Baniszewski, who carved the same thing into her victim's flesh, and her victim happened to be a sixteen year old girl that she tortured for many months before the girl finally died. So I suppose this was pretty smutty, yes? Although I think you guys could use even more smut for the next chapter haha. Hope this was enough to tide you over for now though! I also want to give a special shoutout to GammaRays, as her fic Guide Dog actually helped to get this mess off the ground. Every time I'd second guess myself as to whether or not I was taking something too far, I thought of Guide Dog and figured "nah I can make it worse." Lol and she's actually found this fic, and says she likes it, God only knows why xD So thanks again, hon, you're the best. Hope everyone enjoyed!


	19. Jung und Schön

Eren was extremely happy to note that in the coming days since their massage session, the casual nudity around the house had increased exponentially. It was amazing, really, something that he found he still had to adjust to, but also something he wasn't complaining about in the slightest. In fact, he found it funny that they felt so comfortable being naked around each other without even having real sex first. It became especially apparent when summer hit full force and the humidity attempted to suffocate them, and it became too uncomfortable to remain in their own skin, never mind too many clothes. For example, he'd be having a casual conversation with Levi, putting away groceries for instance, asking him how busy the store was or if he'd gotten such and such a thing Eren had asked him for, and Levi would answer oh sure, in fact, he'd gotten a few since there was a sale, and when Eren would turn around to thank him, it'd turn out Levi was in the middle of shucking his pants and underwear off and Eren would promptly forget what words were, much less how to make them work. He'd blush furiously while Levi would shrug and say he was off to shower, apparently having worked up a sweat just from driving because the heat was becoming so intense.

On one particular afternoon, even though the AC was on, Levi was complaining that it was still too warm, leaning against the armrest of the couch with an arm draped somewhat dramatically across his eyes.

"Fuck the sun," he was groaning, "I'd rather another asteroid crash into the planet and bring on another nuclear winter."

Eren snorted, stopping by the couch on his way to his room and opting to pat Levi sympathetically on the knee, simpering, "Oh you poor baby boo. Take off your shirt then if you're so warm. I certainly won't stop you."

"That requires sitting up," Levi countered, "Sitting up requires effort, and effort makes more sweat. I'm so fucking tired of sweating. I'd rather hang myself in that tree in the front yard."

The boy snorted. "You're such a drama queen. Fine then, I'll take my shirt off and you can sit here and suffer."

So, Eren did just that, not even hesitating to pull his shirt over his head and plopping it on the floor next to them. However, being the instigator that he was, he didn't stop there. He shucked off his pants next, his underwear last, fighting down giggles at how Levi's mouth dropped open and his face immediately turned bright red.

He tilted his head innocently at the older man. "What? Like you said, it's hot out. Not like anyone's going to see us anyway. Your nearest neighbor is three miles away. No reason to make ourselves uncomfortable if we don't have to, right?"

However, Levi didn't hear any of that. All he saw was Eren's lips moving and all of that pretty skin out on display, and it pulled him into a kind of trance where it was all he could look at. So, without a word, he grabbed Eren's wrist, and yanked him down to the couch, the boy releasing a surprised yip in the process as he landed on top of Levi. Stunned, it took him a minute to process his new position, but once he did, he snorted again, and got himself more comfortable, shifting around until he was lying flush on top of the older man, laying his crossed arms on top of Levi's chest and meeting his dark eyes, which were glimmering with amusement.

"Hey," Levi offered after a moment.

"Sup," Eren replied, popping the "p" at the end, "Fancy meeting you here."

The man laughed softly, reaching up and cupping the side of Eren's face, before reaching up a little further and running his fingers through the boy's hair. Eren leaned into the touch, smiling as he did so.

"Your hair is getting long," Levi pointed out absently.

Eren shrugged. "Mmm, I noticed. Guess I should get it cut then."

"I mean, if it's annoying you yes, but you don't have to if you don't want to. I think it's sexy like this."

Levi pushed the boy's bangs back out of his face, and then gently pushed some of his hair back behind his ears, letting his fingertips caress the outside of the boy's ears lightly in the process. Eren shivered with pleasure, feeling the man use the lightest use of nails on the skin just behind his ears as well.

"You look even more like an elf now," the man pointed out, leaning up to kiss the tip of Eren's nose.

Eren scrunched up his nose in response, grinning hugely, and said, "Oh yeah? I suppose I can keep it like this for a while then."

He then leaned forward to press their lips together, kissing him softly at first. However, when Levi reached up and rubbed Eren's ears again with his thumbs, he shivered and casually let his tongue find its own way into Levi's mouth. The older man sighed happily, letting his hands travel down Eren's neck to rest on his shoulders. For a bit, their kisses remained wonderfully slow and lazy, Eren tilting his head in opposite directions to find the perfect angle to reach all of the places in Levi's mouth that he knew would make the man either gasp or sigh in response. The boy allowed himself to get lost in the pleasant warmth pooling in his stomach, the sounds of their kisses in the still air of the living room, and the feeling of Levi's body, though still clothed, pressed all along the length of his naked one all doing wonders to pull him further and further out of reality.

Levi felt as if he should be nervous; Eren was technically pinning him down on the couch, and the feeling of being held down scared him like nothing else. However, miraculously he found he wasn't afraid. Instead of being frightening, the weight of the boy's body on his was comforting and safe, like Eren was protecting him against all outside intrusions instead of trapping him. He still had plenty of room to move, to escape if he wished, but he didn't want to. Eren's lips were divine, and his kisses were making Levi's lips tingle like mad. Plus, the boy had so generously stripped down to nothing, leaving all of his tanned skin out on display for Levi's viewing and touching pleasure, and had settled himself on top of him so that Levi could feel every angle and curve against him. He realized in that moment that he wanted more, wanted to feel Eren's bare skin against his own. Besides, the boy had suggested before that he remove his clothes if was hot, and technically, right now, his temperature had definitely gone up.

"Sit up for a minute," Levi told him.

Eren did was requested, sitting back in his lap, watching in fascination as Levi sat up and pulled his shirt over his head and let it drop to the floor, before laying back down again. The other man then held his arms open in a silent invitation, and Eren didn't need to be told twice. With a breathy giggle, and crawled back up Levi's body and settled himself back onto his chest, his breathing picking up slightly when the bare skin of their chests and torsos touched. Unable to help himself, Eren dove back for another kiss, this one even deeper and more damp, more heated and more passionate. Levi brought Eren closer, caressing his shoulders, marveling at the softness of that skin underneath his palms. His hands started to travel lower, wanting to feel even more. He ran his knuckles experimentally over the boy's shoulder blades, before he flattened his palms over them. His hands then moved down his back, stroking that silky smooth skin, feeling those muscles shift under his touch, and unable to help himself when the strong desire to praise the boy arose.

"So soft," Levi murmured against Eren's lips, "So soft and warm. You're so lovely…"

Eren couldn't contain his smile, knowing he'd never get used to Levi saying that. He innocently pecked the other man's cheek in thanks, and replied, "And like I always say, so are you."

Levi leaned forward and gave Eren's upper lip a little cat lick, before he pulled away with a smirk. The boy pulled his face back towards him for more heated kisses, while Levi continued to stroke his back. However, he hesitated from going any lower, wanting to, but unsure if he would be making Eren uncomfortable. When his hands stilled, Eren pulled back, his eyes full of concern.

"Is everything okay?" he asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I'm okay," the man assured him, "I was just…I was just being careful. I don't want to touch you anywhere that might make you uncomfortable."

Eren blinked for a moment, and then sighed, shaking his head fondly at him. He was touched by Levi's concern, but the other man had forgotten one vital thing, and he said, "Thank you, that's sweet of you. But you have to remember, I thrive off of touch. You trusted me enough to have my hands on the most private part of yourself not too long ago. It's only fair that you can touch me wherever you to as well, right?"

Levi still looked hesitant, so to prove his point, Eren, said in a softer tone, "It's okay. I want you to touch me."

He shifted around, before sitting up and straddling his lap. He then took Levi's hands in his own, pulling them forward and forcing Levi to sit up as well, before he very deliberately placed them on the curve of his rear.

Levi's eyes widened in response, and when he regarded Eren questioningly, the boy simply replied, "It's okay. Yes I'm nervous, but I trust you. More than anyone."

And to solidify his point, he leaned forward and kissed him, wrapping his arms around Levi's shoulders and stroking his back. His skin was so soft and smooth, so warm and perfect. Eren shuddered when Levi finally began to gently knead the plump flesh of his behind, carefully at first. But when Eren gave a small hum of approval, he grew more enthusiastic, pulling the boy flush against him. Eren gasped and began rolling his hips in response, grinding down onto Levi's lap as well as pushing his rear back into his hands for more attention. His panting grew heavier, and he found he couldn't comfortably keep kissing him anymore. Besides, he was so overcome by gratitude and passion, that he found himself trailing his lips down Levi's neck, lightly sucking at the skin, marveling not for the first time at how soft and sensitive it was, how lovely it smelled. A quiet, unbidden groan vibrated up Levi's throat in response and he shut his eyes gently, pushing his neck further into Eren's lips.

"God, Eren," Levi panted, cupping the back of the boy's head and lightly scratching his nails over his scalp, "How do you do this to me? You can turn me into a mess so easily."

Eren laughed softly against his skin, but didn't answer verbally, instead moving to suck Levi's earlobe briefly, causing the man to let out a heavy breath and lean into the attention. He was helpless to stop the deep instincts he thought had been killed forever ago by his abusers from rising to the surface. His body couldn't help but quicken his heartbeat, couldn't help but dilate his pupils, or send his excited blood to pool hot and heavy between his thighs, to fill his groin and encourage an erection. He couldn't stop the blood from flushing prettily in his cheeks and down his neck, or in his ears either. He couldn't stop the furious tingling he felt in his lips, tongue, or the roof of his mouth from Eren's heated kisses, or the hot flushes he felt across the bridge of his nose when the boy ran his warm, wet tongue down Levi's neck and began to nibble on his prominent collarbone. He couldn't help it when he rolled his hips into Eren's as well, trying to obtain more of that delicious friction. Nor could he help his gasp when Eren brought his hands from his back to his chest, and ran his thumbs over both of his nipples briefly.

His body was determined to respond in kind to the sweet, shy stimulation that Eren was offering him, to force him into a state of arousal and a desire to hold and praise the boy for gifting him with these sensations. Far from making him nervous, Levi was so grateful that he could cry; he had thought he had been ruined from ever successfully becoming sexually aroused, his fear forming a solid barrier over any desire he might hold for someone. But here was Eren, once again being his little miracle and eliciting these wonderful feelings in him. He was showing him that there wasn't anything wrong with feeling these things, that there wasn't anything to be afraid of, that desiring someone could be wonderful and warm, rewarding and joyous. He held Eren to him tighter, tilting his head back, basking in the both in the physical pleasure and the pleasure that Eren had granted him in making him realize that he was in fact still human, and not a dark, shriveled creature made of fear and loathing.

"Levi," Eren sighed against the man's chest, rubbing his groin against Levi's a bit more frantically. And then, gradually, he stilled, and then, he stated in a hoarse voice something soft and loud, soft and shy, terrible and wonderful all at once.

"I want you."

He pulled back to look the man in the eye, and when Levi's vision focused, he saw that his green eyes were shining with seriousness. Levi swallowed hard, Eren watching as his Adam's apple bobbed with the action, amazed, not only by the boy's request, but by how reasonable it sounded to his mind, and by the fact that he found himself nodding in response.

"Okay," he replied in an equally hoarse voice, "Okay, Eren."

The boy's eyes lit up, and he offered a shaky grin in response, as if unsure that Levi would even agree, and he was wonderfully surprised and happy when he said yes. Slowly, purposefully, they both stood up, and Eren allowed himself to be taken by the hand and led into the man's bedroom, where Levi sat them both down on his bed. However, for a few moments, they simply sat in silence, Levi not letting go of the boy's hand, and instead caressing it between both of his own. Eren could tell he was fighting the urge to fidget, his eyes flickering around the room and looking at anything but Eren, before he finally spoke.

"Before we do anything, do you know why I said yes to you?" he asked seriously, finally looking the boy in the eye.

Eren shook his head.

Levi took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "First off, because like I've told you, I trust you more than anyone. I can't imagine doing this with anyone else but you at this point. I never imagined that I'd be able to grow close enough to anyone after what was done to me to want to push aside the fear of having a relationship with someone, never mind being able to have sex with them. But you…you're so special, and you mean so much to me that it scares me a little."

Eren gaped at him, his heart pounding hard at his words, unable to take his eyes off him as he kept speaking.

"Heh, I never even thought of myself as gay before this. Actually, I never thought of myself as anything. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to think about that sort of thing, you know? And right now, I don't know, as odd as it sounds, I still don't think of myself as gay. Or straight. Or anything. I think it's just you. I think…you'll be the only one for me, ever."

Eren bit his lip, fighting back tears as he declared, "I feel the same way. It's just you for me too, it's always been you, and it'll only be you."

Levi smiled softly in response to his words, and finally finished with, "We need this. We need to do this, for ourselves. We need to send a huge fuck you to the people who thought they could ruin us for good. After all the awful pain we've been through, we deserve to some pleasure as amazing as that pain was terrible. Don't you think?"

The boy nodded in agreement, watching as Levi scooted a little closer and gently took Eren's face in his hands. He looked down at him warmly as the older man murmured, "Tonight is the first night we'll ever have real sex. It's not going to hurt, or be humiliating. It's probably going to be a little awkward and uncomfortable at worst, but that's how everyone's first time is. It's also going to be beautiful, liberating, and it's going to bring us closer together. This is going to feel like how sex is supposed to feel, and it's going to be the first day of the rest of our lives."

"Yes," Eren agreed, tears lining his waterline.

Levi leaned up and kissed his cheek comfortingly, before he leaned up and kissed his forehead.

"Just relax," he murmured against his skin, "I'll take care of you."

"I know," the boy breathed, his eyes already fluttering shut.

For the next few minutes, Eren could feel his body relaxing by increments; his shoulders drooped, the muscles in his neck eased, and his jaw became less tight as, true to his word, Levi took the utmost care of him. He knew Eren was nervous, just as nervous as he was, and the two of them had little idea of what they were doing, considering this was the first time either of them had had consensual sex. They were mostly going on what felt right, versus any real knowledge or experience. And so far, what felt right for Levi was to make Eren feel as safe and comfortable as possible, and to make him feel like he was the most precious person in the world.

"Deep breaths," Levi told him, "You were right, they help a lot."

Eren smiled, his eyes still closed, hearing his own suggestion being whispered back to him. But he did as he was told, keeping his breath in his stomach, and trying to shut off his thoughts. Instead, he let himself absorb sensations: Levi's lips on his forehead, his hands caressing his eyebrows, moving down to his eyelids, then to his cheeks, before moving back to stroke his ears between his thumb and forefinger. He followed up his touch with kisses in those same areas, running his lips tenderly over his skin, whispering praises and endearments to him all the while.

"Good job," he breathed, "You're doing so good. You're relaxing and breathing deeply just like I said. I'm proud of you, Eren."

The boy flushed happily at his words, feeling his heart quickening in his chest, sending a fresh, tingling rush of blood between his legs. He was doing good, Levi said he was doing good, and he was proud of him.

"Yeah?" Eren uttered quietly, pressing his forehead a little further into his lips, "Thank you. I'm trying."

"You are," Levi said with a kiss to his cheek, "I can tell. It's paying off. Do you want me to keep going?"

"Yes."

With that, Levi smiled encouragingly, and kissed Eren's cheek again, before he brought his hands forward, sliding them gently along his jaw. He then ran his thumb along the boy's bottom lip, and Eren let his lips part automatically. Unable to help himself, Eren dipped his head slightly to lick cautiously at Levi's fingertips, causing the older man to freeze. However, the expression on his face wasn't one of disgust; it was one of deep intrigue, and Eren did it again, this time following it up with taking his whole finger in his mouth, caressing it with his tongue and sucking on it gently. He flicked his eyes up to meet Levi's to see his reaction, and the expression on the other man's face made his own heat up even further. It was so intense, his dark eyes somehow even darker, utterly entranced and fascinated with what Eren was doing, and if the boy had to guess by the way he occasionally licked his lips as he watched, more than a little turned on.

"Lean back," Levi eventually said, and when he spoke, Eren noted proudly that he sounded more than a little breathless. He obeyed, releasing his finger, before leaning back, propping himself up against the pillows at the head of the bed and waiting expectantly for Levi to join him. However, instead of immediately joining Eren, the man took the time to first stand up from the bed and fiddle with the buttons and zipper on his pants. Eren felt himself licking his lips as well as those pants were eventually unbuttoned and the zipper opened, before the other man pulled them and his underwear down, revealing a delectable, rounded behind and a pair of delicious looking hipbones that Eren's fingers were itching to touch.

Levi dropped his clothes on the floor and then returned to the bed, crawling up Eren's body until he was hovering over him, before he said, "Listen. If at any point you want to stop, tell me and I'll stop, no questions asked. I won't be mad, I promise."

Eren smiled at him reassuringly, before he reached up and caressed Levi's upper arms soothingly, replying, "I know. Thank you for telling me, though."

"No problem, brat. This time we both have the option to say no. I just wanted to remind you of that."

The boy paused, images flooding his mind of a dirty, cold basement, chains that bit into his wrist, and his own voice scratchy and raw from his screams of pain as he begged his tormentor to stop those first few weeks, before he had figured out that it was pointless to do so. He shut his eyes again for a moment, before looking Levi straight in the eye, taking in his loving, sincere expression, and his last lingering doubts vanished. Nile had been wrong about everything. He wasn't a worthless whore who deserved every punishment that had been dealt to him. For here was a man who told him so and treated him like a priceless treasure, a man he had treated like a treasure in return and had rewarded him with his trust. He was cared about, appreciated, _needed._

He _was_ worth something.

With that thought washing over him pleasantly, Eren reached up to run his hands over Levi's shoulders as he devoured his lips in a hungry kiss. It was as if they were trying to steal each other's breath from the other's lungs as Eren ran his hands down the man's back, his fingers tingling at how soft and smooth his skin was. He then grew bolder, massaging Levi's lower back tentatively, feeling the two dimples on either side of his spine and running his thumbs over them. He received a pleased sigh in response, so he decided to go lower, finally cupping Levi's bottom in his hands. The man gasped in response, and Eren nervously glanced up at his face. However, his brows weren't drawn upwards in panic, but pleasure, a beautiful flush still present on his cheeks and his lips parted softly, eyes closed as he took in the sensation.

"Good?" Eren asked with a smirk.

Levi simply gave a distracted half-nod, and leaned back into Eren's hands, trying to increase the contact. The boy responded by beginning to stroke and knead at the plush flesh, squeezing it and massaging it enthusiastically. Levi's breathing became heavier, and he placed a few messy, open mouthed kisses against Eren's neck.

"Eren," he panted between kisses, "Let me touch you. Let me show you how much you mean to me, how beautiful and brave I think you are. Please…"

"Nngh," the boy groaned, tilted his head away so Levi could have easier access to his neck. Eventually though, he found himself gasping, "Yes, please."

He pulled back from the boy's neck, and Eren let a sad noise escape his lips, mourning their loss, but he didn't think he'd be too sad for long. Not when Levi placed his forehead on top of Eren's, and not when he allowed a hand to wander down the boy's chest and stomach, before it stopped at his hips, rubbing curiously at his hipbones. He hesitated for a moment more, and Eren leaned up to give his lips an encouraging, lingering peck, before he at last took the boy's length in his hand. He briefly lifted his face from Eren's, gauging his expression to see if he should continue, and the heady, dazed, and expectant look in his eyes told Levi that yes he should, and right away. So he pressed their foreheads back together and started a slow, easy stroking motion, simply getting Eren used to his touch. It wasn't long before Eren was sighing and gasping beneath him, biting his lip against groans that were trying to escape. His back arched just slightly, and he groped at Levi's shoulders, squeezing them spasmodically, using them to keep him anchored. Levi couldn't but lean forward and peck Eren's lips every once in a while, murmuring words against them continuously.

"That's it," Levi said gently, "That's amazing. You're doing so well, Eren. Look at how beautiful you are. You're responding so nicely, letting it feel good. It feels good, doesn't it?"

"Y-Yes," Eren panted, "Holy s-shit. Levi… _Levi._ You're- it's… _good._ "

He moaned, arching his neck slightly as well, completely losing himself in Levi's exquisite touch and his deep, soft voice, both working to create a fantasy that both of them were rapidly falling into, the fantasy that this really was the first time the two of them had been touched like this. As such, Eren found he had no trouble believing every wonderful word Levi was saying, nor could he help it when his body responded so strongly to the ideas the man was putting in his head.

"You're perfect," Levi kept whispering, "So perfect for me…"

"And you're perfect for me," Eren replied, leaning up to pepper kisses over his face, "You're- mmm, Levi- y-you're so _good._ "

The man chuckled softly, feeling his face burn when Eren began to undulate his hips into his hand, the pleasure become so intense that he was having trouble keeping still. Levi kept glancing between the boy's face and his own hand, entranced by both his expressions and what he was doing to provoke those expressions. He watched as he massaged Eren's pubic bone to soften it up, pressed his erection against his belly and kneaded it with his palm, and swiped his thumb over the moist, shining head, gently probing the slit and causing a pleasant, intense zing that made Eren moan sharply every time he did it. Levi swallowed convulsively several times, feeling his throat grow dry at the erotic sight, and decided he wanted even more, wanted now to share in the boy's pleasure.

"Here," he mumbled, and Eren watched as Levi straddled him more purposefully, lining up their pelvises. The boy's breathing quickened as he watched Levi lower his pelvis until their members touched, before he took them both in hand.

Levi gasped at the new sensation and Eren bit his lip, feeling his face burn even hotter. And speaking of hot, Levi couldn't get over how heavy and warm Eren's member felt in his hand, how hot it was against his own length, and how he could feel the heat radiating off of Eren's body when he was this close. The man took a minute to compose himself, taking a few deep breaths through the little shivers that were skittering through his skin at the new, blissfully wonderful contact, and he also took a moment to glance up at Eren's face to make sure he was okay. Seeing the questioning look in Levi's eyes, Eren nodded at him.

Taking a deep breath, Levi started to move his hand, unsurely at first, but quickly building up an intoxicating rhythm that had them both panting and groaning. Levi didn't think it was possible to be this turned on, between the perfect sight of the loser skin of their members gliding together in unison in his fist, or the gentle, erotic expression Eren had on his face. He was blushing so prettily, moans breathy and soft, lips pink and swollen, green eyes clouded with desire and sweat shining softly on his temples.

He was the most beautiful thing Levi had ever seen.

"Levi," Eren breathed desperately, his back arching and lowering, scratching his nails lightly over the man's shoulder blades, "Levi, oh s-shit, it's too much. Stop, stop for a minute."

Immediately, Levi halted his actions, sitting back, worry instantly consuming him. "Are you okay?"

"M'fine, fine," Eren assured him, "It's just, I was going to come."

Levi sighed in relief, and then teased, "Well isn't that the point? Or was I underground for so long that the definition of sex changed?"

Eren snorted at him, before he shook his head and clarified, "I don't want to come like that. I want you inside me for that."

The other man's lips parted in surprise and he let out a low, "Oh," before he added, "Are you sure? I don't want to do anything that'll make you too nervous."

Eren sat up and placed a hand on the side of his face, cupping his cheek. "I'm sure. I just…I'm sick of feeling his hands on me, Levi. I'm sick of associating sex with pain and humiliation. I want to replace his touch with yours in my mind. Whenever I think of sex, I want to think you making love to me."

He leaned forward and kissed Levi soundly, causing the other man to groan quietly. Eren then pulled back slightly, murmuring against his lips, "I want you to fuck me so thoroughly that I forget Nile's name, hell, my own name. Please Levi."

Levi found himself nodding along to Eren's request, the words he was using potent enough to wash away most of his worry and have him reaching for the lube in his nightstand. Eren was right, he needed this. Both of them did. It was time to show each other than sex could be soft instead of rough, empowering instead of degrading, beautiful instead of terrible, and something to desire instead of something to fear. It was the least they deserved, and Levi found himself, not for the first time, helpless to deny anything that the boy asked.

"Get on your hands and knees," he suggested, "It should be the least uncomfortable position for your first time."

Eren obeyed, trusting him and his judgement, even if secretly he was growing slightly uneasy. This was the position in which Nile had forced himself upon Eren the most, often pushing his face down into the concrete, or against the wall. But he forced himself to throw the thought aside; Levi wouldn't hurt him. He wouldn't degrade him. It was going to feel good, and he wanted it. He wanted Levi inside of him.

He heard the uncapping of the lube bottle, and then a moment later felt Levi's clean hand massaging at his rear comfortingly, before he said, "I'm going to prep you now. If it hurts or you want me to stop, just let me know."

"I will," Eren promised him.

"Just relax. Let your muscles loosen up, and this will go a lot easier."

The boy did as he was asked, trying to keep any lingering tension in the upper half of his body and keeping his lower half as loose as possible. He felt Levi rub first at his perineum, coaxing the hard skin into softness and sending little pleasurable shocks through his body. He even found himself leaning into the touch slightly, trying to bite back a groan and failing. Levi smirked, and took his positive reaction as a sign that it was okay to keep going. He placed a lubed finger against the boy's entrance, before pushing it in, slowly and carefully. Eren bit his lip and flinched, tensing automatically in preparation for the pain his body knew was coming, but his brain quickly forced it down, chanting to himself over and over again that it was just Levi, it was okay. If he wanted to stop, all he had to do was say the word.

Still, Levi saw him tense up, and asked, "You alright? You want me to stop?"

"No," Eren said automatically, "It's okay. It's just odd, feeling something going inside somewhere where things normally come out, you know? I just have to get used to it."

Levi chuckled in understanding, and assured him, "Don't worry, I'll take my time. Just let me know when you're ready for another finger."

"Mmm," the boy hummed thoughtfully, and then said, "Actually, you could probably add one now."

Levi did so, eventually working his way up to three, and Eren was delighted that because he took his time, there was virtually no pain, and the discomfort was only present for a moment and mostly due to his racing thoughts and had very little to do with any actual physical sensations. Soon enough, he was telling Levi he was ready, and the man prepared himself, slicking up his own cock generously before propping himself up on his knees and lining himself up with Eren's entrance. He caressed the boy's hips soothingly, before he slowly pushed himself in, inch by inch, allowing Eren the option to back out if he so chose to. But he didn't, his only reaction a slight shifting of his position that was just a nervous fidget as his body and mind adjusted to the sensation. When Levi bottomed out inside him, the two of them sat still for a moment, simply getting used to the new development, before Eren shifted subtly back into him, rubbing his behind ever so softly against Levi's pelvis, and telling him that he could move if he wanted to.

So, trying to be as gentle as possible, Levi began rolling his hips, continuing to caress and knead Eren's hips, running his hands over his lower back and down around his hipbones, trying to soothe him as best he could. Eren found himself tensing again just slightly, waiting for the pain, but it never came. There was only careful movement, soft hands stroking his skin, and a warm, gentle voice behind him telling what a good job he was doing, how lovely he was, and how much Levi cared about him. Soon, Eren found himself relaxing, Levi's deep, soft voice wrapping around him and comforting him as it so often did, keeping him in the present and reminding him that sex would never be used to hurt him again.

"That's it," Levi told him, picking up the pace and leaning forward, gradually kissing his way up the boy's back for as far as he could reach, "You're doing so well. I'm so proud of you."

Eren felt a fresh spike of arousal throb through him, Levi's words clouding his mind and encouraging him to lean back, to meet him thrust for thrust. When he felt the man's lips tickling his nape, felt a warm tongue lick the skin there, and heard him groan quietly with pleasure near his ear, Eren found himself loosening up completely. He felt Levi drape himself over his back, wrapping his arms around his waist, and a warm flush filled his belly. Levi made him feel so safe, and the perfect, comfortable feelings in comparison to the abuse he had suffered, combined with the slow building ecstasy that was burning through his veins was making his eyes sting with tears. His back arched, and he glanced at Levi over his shoulder, his hair falling alluring over his eyes as he gazed back at him.

"More," he begged, "I want more."

With that, Eren felt himself being tugged gently down towards the bed until he was lying on his side, Levi spooned tightly behind him, neither of them breaking their union in the process. When he resumed thrusting at this new angle, Eren seemed to truly lose himself, leaning back into Levi, submissively spreading his legs and tilting his head away, exposing his neck. Unable to help himself, Levi leaned down and began to run his tongue over his neck, breathing in the mellow scent of his skin. He looked down in time to see Eren groping upwards, and he took the hint, grabbing Eren's hand and holding it tightly as he moved even faster. Liquid ecstasy was fizzling under his skin, as it was Eren's, forcing noises out of the boy that he had never heard before. And when he shifted his angle again, Eren straight up yelled and threw his head back, knocking it into Levi's collarbone.

"There!" he exclaimed, "There, there! Oh my God, do that again."

So Levi did, figuring he must have found Eren's sweet spot, and he aimed for it again. When the boy cried out once more, Levi began to pound into it mercilessly, Eren's grip on his hand tightening so hard as a result that he was sure it was cutting off the circulation.

"Levi!" the boy moaned, "Shit, I'm going to- going to"-

"Go ahead," Levi said breathlessly, "I-I've got you."

He mouthed at Eren's shoulder, but couldn't do so for long as his panting made it harder to breathe through his nose comfortably. He could feel his own impending orgasm, could feel it tightening his core and burning its way into his lower belly, waiting for the right trigger to release itself. That trigger soon came in the sight of Eren, desperately stroking himself, tears running down his cheeks and saliva dribbling down his chin. He had come undone, finally finding his release and crying out Levi's name as he did so. Levi actually whimpered in response, feeling himself break at the sight, his orgasm burning its way through him as Eren's warm insides contracted and moved around him. And suddenly, his world turned white, and he heard himself cry out louder than he ever had in his life, burying his face into the back of Eren's neck and clinging to the boy like a lifeline.

The two of them lay together on the bed for several minutes, too exhausted to move, each making little whimpering moans as the aftershocks of their orgasms tingled through them. Levi however did find the energy to plant soft little kisses against Eren's shoulders every once in a while, the endorphins making him extra affectionate. Eventually, he heard Eren laugh quietly to himself, which made him set his chin on the curve of the boy's shoulder curiously.

"What?" he wondered, placing another kiss against Eren's temple while he was there.

"Nothing," Eren replied breathily, "Just…it's probably the lack of blood to my brain right now, but I suddenly found the idea that this probably didn't help your 'I'm too hot' problem at all hilarious. You're fine burning to a crisp if you fuck me through your mattress, but a little sun comes your way and it's the end of the world."

Levi had no idea how to reply to that, and in his giddy state, he found all he could do was laugh anyway, laugh and press another kiss to the boy's temple. For the first time in a long time, he felt irrevocably happy, for he had dulled some of his and Eren's most painful memories. He had fought so long against his demons, and for the first time in fifteen years, he was winning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "young and beautiful," named after the Lana del Ray song that I listened to for this. Well, I hope the smut lived up to your expectations everyone! I find writing smut to be very difficult, so let me know what you think! More to come in the next chapter! Also, I apologize for how long it took to get this up, school is bent on destroying me lol. But on the plus side, I went to a con this weekend and got a couple of beautiful little Eren and Levi figurines, both of them in their cleaning outfits, and I adore them to pieces. So there you have it, hope you guys enjoyed!


	20. Tanz Mit Mir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving." -Kahlil Gibran.

It had been such a simple request.

"Eren, I'd like you to, um, make love to me. Outside, in that field out behind my house. Please. Is that alright?"

And yet it had turned the afternoon Levi had asked that of him into one of the most memorable days of his life. Eren had said yes, of course, he'd love nothing more. But his curiosity had still gotten the better of him, and he had to ask, "Why outside?"

And Levi had looked at him with a lovely, serene smile, and had answered with surety, "Because we spent the worst years of our lives underground in the dark. I think we should spend the rest of the best years of our lives under the sun. I feel…very free when I'm with you, like I can do anything. I've never felt like this before. It's strange, but I want to feel the sun on my skin, smell the pine trees and the earth, and hear the wind in the grass when I make love to you. I-I don't belong to those men anymore, Eren. I belong to you, and the sunlight and the wide open spaces. That's where I want to be from now on."

Eren had simply smiled fondly at him and said, "You really are your mother's son. Not happy unless there's earth under your toes, are you?" And then he had kissed him and simply took him by the hand while he gathered up a large blanket and some lube, and led them both out into the backyard.

And now here they were, almost twenty minutes later, lying in the middle of the field on the blanket, both of their bodies mostly obscured by the tall, green grass that waved gently in the breeze. Where there wasn't as much tall grass, small clusters of wildflowers, and some of Levi's "fairy flowers" sprang up, adding little spots of color. The sky spanned forever above them, deeply blue and cloudless, matched only by the deep blue of the mountains in the distance. Eren was sprawled out on his back on the blanket with Levi's head between his legs, both of them bare as they the day they were born. Eren was encouragingly running his fingers through Levi's hair as the man took him further into his mouth, the tip of the boy's length going partially down his throat.

"That's it," Eren gasped, trying desperately to keep his hips still. Though he couldn't quite keep his thighs from twitching next to Levi's head, the stimulation far too intense for him to do so, "Oh God, you're doing so good. Levi, you're amazing, you- mmm! Oh shit, oh _God. Levi!_ "

If he could, Levi would have smirked at his reaction. But as he was unable to at the moment, he simply took Eren the tiniest bit further, before he decided that was enough and concentrated on working him towards the peak of his pleasure. Eren for his part nearly passed out at the erotic sight that met his eyes; Levi's dark head bobbing steadily between his thighs, his eyes closed in concentration, one hand stroking Eren around the base of his cock while the other massaged at one of this thighs. And _oh,_ Eren heard Levi's throat click the same instant he felt it convulse around his member, sucking him in, offering such beautiful, exquisite stimulation that Eren already felt dangerously close to his release. Between the sights, the sounds and the sensations, it was too much.

"Le…Levi," he gasped, "I'm going to- please stop. I don't want to finish yet."

With that, Levi carefully lifted his head, and Eren nearly had a nosebleed when he saw how Levi wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and then pushed his hair back out of his face, before he said, "Of course not. I want you inside me for when you do that."

Eren laughed breathlessly and pushed his hair back off of his forehead, shaking his head and saying, "You're going to kill me. I'm going to melt into a puddle right here and you'll have to wring me out of this blanket."

Levi snickered and crawled up his body until he was straddling his waist, impishly deciding to add more insult to injury and grind his groin against the boy's, shivering at the delicious friction and heat created as a result.

"You're going to kill _me,_ " Levi insisted, "You're too cute, you know that?"

Eren whined in response, lifting his hips to grind back. However, when he did so, Levi got off of him completely, leaving Eren to give him a rightfully miffed look that he couldn't help but find amusing. Especially since his next action was taking the lube and beginning to prep himself, which wiped the annoyed look off of Eren's face completely. He may or may not have made a bit of a show of it, arching his back just slightly, parting his knees more than what was necessary, and eyed the boy purposefully, knowing full well what he was doing.

"Have I made you melt through the blanket yet?" Levi wondered, "Am I going to need to carry you back to the house in a bowl?"

Eren stuck his tongue out playfully at him, his face growing redder by the minute.

Smirk still in place, the man finally deemed himself ready, and after coating Eren's member with some of the lube, he carefully swung a leg over the boy's hips, before he lined himself up with his length. He then slowly, ever so slowly sat down, keeping his breaths deep and even and his eyes closed in concentration as he did so. It was partially from the physical discomfort, but mostly from the mental discomfort he was experiencing. He could feel the images of his time in the Red Room trying to surface, threatening to throw him back into that wretched time and rip him right out from underneath his sun, away from his boy. He heard his own screams echoing in his ears as phantom pain burned in his rear, felt the ghost of old bruises and the trails blood from old wounds tickling his skin. He could even feel those awful scars on his thighs that formed that despised message beginning to sting-

He opened his eyes, focusing quickly on the cloudy gaze of the boy beneath him, focused on the feeling of his sides expanding and contracting against his thighs, watching his Adam's apple bob as he tried in vain to wet his suddenly dry throat, and remembering that the one inside him right now was the only person in the world he'd let have this honor. He was here because he wanted to be, not because he was being forced. He wanted this.

He wanted Eren.

And with that thought strengthening his resolve, carefully, Levi began to roll his hips, causing Eren to suck in a breath automatically. The boy gently placed his hands upon those pale thighs, not to try and hold him down or control his movements in any way, but simply just to caress, to feel and appreciate.

"That's it," Eren whispered huskily as Levi began to grow more enthusiastic, "Go ahead, Levi. You can use me how you want. I trust you. You're in control right now."

Levi let out a heavy breath at that, leaned forward to kiss Eren in thanks, although he was just slightly too short to reach all the way. However, Eren saw what he was trying to do, and leaned down to meet him halfway, cupping Levi's face in his hands and stroking his ears with his thumbs as he kissed him. The older man felt tears building at the backs of his eyes, Eren's care and gentleness with him in contrast to the cruelty he had experienced thus far in this position pushing them out of him. However, he held them back for the moment, and leaned back to sit up again, placing one final peck on the boy's lips before he did so.

As he began to grow more comfortable, Levi transitioned from rolling his hips to lifting himself slightly off of Eren's lap only to sit sharply back down. Deciding he liked the sensation, he did it again, and again, until he was carefully bouncing on Eren's lap. The boy himself was finding it hard to keep himself still, but he managed, instead flexing his fingers against Levi's thighs. However, he didn't make any effort to stop the noises spilling out of mouth, unable to help himself. He could feel his groans rising in pitch in volume, partially from the feeling of Levi's warm insides flexing and fluttering all around him, and partially from the alluring sight he made fucking himself on the boy's cock over and over again. His face was bright red, the flush travelling right down his neck as well. His lips were parted around the quiet groans he kept releasing, and sweat was shining softly along his hairline. His cock, which was bobbing obscenely in time with his movements, had also flushed a dark, pretty pink, looking achingly hard to Eren and practically begging for his attention. However, he had promised Levi that he could remain in control for however long it suited him, so until then, the only attention he could lavish on him was his words.

"God you're gorgeous," Eren moaned, "You're getting yourself off so nicely. It feels good, doesn't it? It looks like it does."

The last question was spoken with a small bit of vulnerability, the boy worried whether or not he was satisfying Levi or not, especially since he wasn't moving much. But of course, Eren was worrying needlessly, especially since his answer was a breathy moan, and a distracted nod of the older man's head, before he added, "It feels amazing, Eren. Never felt so… _full_ before. Shit… _move_ Eren. I want you to move now. _Please_."

Grinning, Eren shakily sat up, wrapping his arms around Levi as he did so. He held the other man against him, and then began to move his hips at last. Levi grunted sharply, his lips pulling back over his teeth in a grimace, not of pain, but of him bracing himself against the onslaught of new, intensely pleasurable sensations that assaulted him. His lower jaw dropped open, and he nuzzled his cheek against Eren's, the two of them clinging to each other like they were the only thing keeping them rooted to the Earth. Levi was almost terrified if he didn't hold onto Eren tight enough, he might be swallowed up by his dark memories, and he was tired of being their slave. He wouldn't let them take him, not again. Never again.

"So good," Eren praised him, the intense surge of endorphins loosening his tongue even further, "So lovely, s-so strong and b-brave. You're so strong, Levi. I'm so proud of you. You're doing so good."

The boy's words caused another involuntary groan to rise from somewhere deep in Levi's belly, and he dug his nails slightly into Eren's shoulder blades. He placed a few breathless, rapid kisses against that pretty, tanned neck in thanks, losing himself to the wonderful rhythm the two of them were creating with their bodies. Eren was going slow, but not too slow, trying not to overwhelm either of them. Their bodies bobbed slowly back and forth, Levi rising and falling slowly like a wave rolling to and from shore, feeling Eren's lips against his collarbone while he managed to kiss his temples. The sounds Eren was making were breathy and soft, and his body was so warm and firm against his own. He felt Eren's hands stroking up the skin of his back, moving upwards to his neck, and then finally stroking backwards through his hair, and Levi shivered, letting his head fall back, allowing himself to fall completely under Eren's spell. He was so open, so exposed and vulnerable, his throat bared and his skin shining softly, legs spread and lips parted trustingly. To Eren, he looked like paradise.

He then felt Eren cradle the back of his head and pull it back up so that he could kiss him, heady and damp and filled to the brim with a thousand emotions they couldn't hope to name. Eren kept kissing him as he gently leaned forward, encouraging Levi to fall backwards, and he did so, moving until Levi was lying on his back and Eren was hovering over him.

"You still doing okay?" Eren asked, pulling out of their kiss and running his thumbs over Levi's cheeks.

Levi nodded. "Yes. Are you?"

Eren laughed lightly, "I am, thank you, but I'm also not the one with a dick five miles up my ass. I was just making sure, you know."

"I do know." He reached up to stroke the side of the boy's face. "And I know you're not them. I know because you _are_ being careful with me, you're being so sweet and gentle. I see you, Eren, and I feel you, and I know you'd never hurt me." Levi then smirked and added, "Now if you don't mind, I was very close a second ago, and I don't appreciate the blue balls you're saddling me with."

Eren rolled his eyes playfully. "Sor-ry. Such a spoiled brat I've turned you into."

Levi merely grinned, and wrapped his arms around Eren's neck, bringing the boy's head down so that he could kiss him again, and began rolling his hips impatiently.

Eren began to move again, setting up the same pace he did before, but Levi was more impatient this time, and as he kneaded the boy's shoulders encouragingly, he leaned up and whispered into his ear, "Go ahead Eren. More. _Fuck me_."

At that, a throb went through Eren's body, and he found himself helpless to do anything but obey. He began to move faster, the slick sounds coming from between their bodies lewd and intoxicating, but not nearly as intoxicating as the way Levi's back began to arch from the new pace, from how his fingers began to dig into Eren's flesh, or how broken his moans were beginning to sound, how helpless and high pitched they were growing. He made such a pretty picture, so lovely in his trust to for the one person that cared about him most in the world that Eren wanted to cry.

"So beautiful," Eren gasped, "So perfect. You're so perfect Levi, so special to me- ahh! God you feel so good."

"Harder, Eren," Levi begged, "Harder!"

Eren did so, pounding into him harder, hearing Levi's voice rise as a result, and felt the older man wrap his legs around his waist. This lifted his hips, and allowed Eren to go a little deeper. It was then that he found Levi's sweet spot, and the shout the man released as a result made Eren shudder and moan loudly in response. Levi groped from Eren's hand, silently asking for support, and Eren gripped his hand over Levi's head until their fingers became a tangled mess.

"I never want to leave you," Eren panted, "W-Want to keep you safe forever. Ngh-shit! Levi!"

At this point, even Levi's neck was arching off the blanket, and when he reached between them to take himself in hand and begin to stroke himself, he began to thrash his head from side to side, unable to cope with the pleasure. His voice was beginning to give out as well, until all that came out of him were pathetic squeaks and whimpers, saliva snaking past his parted lips to dribble down his chin and his brows pinched together with the tension. He was done, completely broken and destroyed, but he had never felt more alive.

Eren came first, shivering and whimpering as he did so, and Levi followed soon after, shaking with the aftermath even when Eren slowly lowered his body down on top of his and buried his face in his neck. They both lay there for several minutes, their bodies twitching with aftershocks, panting and shuddering and holding onto each other, depending on the other to anchor them in reality. Eventually, Eren lifted his head away from Levi's neck, and when he did his brows drew upward in concern.

"Are you okay?" he asked, stroking Levi's cheek with his thumb, "You're crying."

Levi blinked, and sure enough, he felt another couple of tears roll warmly down his cheeks. Looking into Eren's eyes, he smiled softly, and pointed out, "So are you."

Eren stared at him in confusion for a moment, before his expression melted into a smile, and he let Levi wipe away his tears as well. "Sorry. I'm a mess."

Levi just smiled and shook his head fondly at him, and said, "No. You're perfect."

He brought his head gently down so that he could kiss his forehead, and Eren soaked it all in, both of them feeling the breeze ruffling their hair, taking in the scent of pine in their lungs and hearing the calls of birds in the distance, and absorbing the sweet fact that this was their lives now. They belonged to the wide open spaces, to the blue sky and the mountains. To freedom.

To each other.

000

One morning a couple weeks later, Eren stumbled groggily into the kitchen to find a half dressed Levi standing in the front of the fridge, hand on the handle, presumably about to open it. Well, perhaps half dressed was a generous overstatement. He was only in his underwear, a sinfully tight black pair that showed off his behind far better than when he was wearing nothing at all. Eren smiled fondly and came up behind him.

"Hey," he greeted, causing Levi's head to turn in his direction. The man smiled softly at him, and let go of the refrigerator door.

"Morning, sunshine," he offered back, and that was all the incentive Eren needed to close the distance between them and wrap his arms around his waist, pulling him against him. Levi chuckled lowly, leaning back into him and covering the boy's hands with his own.

"What'cha doing?" Eren inquired, lazily nuzzling his nose into Levi's hair.

Levi answered, "Well I _was_ going to make breakfast and hope the smell would get your lazy ass out of bed. I mean, we do have somewhere to be today. You're still planning on going, right?"

"Of course," Eren yawned, "The beach was on my list for things to do this summer, so I'm not missing it. Although I'm thinking you probably should put on some clothes before we go. Not that I mind of course, just don't you to make everyone at the beach die of blood loss from all the nosebleeds you'll give them if you show up in your underwear."

He rolled his eyes. "Right back at you, brat. I mean, I also don't mind if you go to the beach in nothing, but this isn't France, and I don't feel like being arrested today."

Eren laughed low in his throat, and the sound made Levi shiver. His stomach was fluttering pleasantly as well from the feeling of his breath in his hair and against his skin. Combined with the fact that, while Eren had more clothes on than Levi did, he was still shirtless, and when that warm, firm upper body was holding him tightly, he was instant putty in the boy's hands.

"Although I'm beginning to think you're doing this on purpose," Eren teased, running his lips down Levi's temple, "Wearing as few clothes as possible around me."

Levi tilted his head up, standing up on his toes slightly so that he could nuzzle Eren's cheek with his nose. The sun was streaming warmly into the window now, illuminating the both of them in fresh, golden morning light. It seemed to hold them both close in its protective embrace, keeping them close and safe, and Levi found himself savoring the feeling of peace that settled in his breast as a result.

"For your information," Levi quipped, "I was on my way to shower, but I'd figure I'd be nice and have breakfast waiting for you when you got up. I just happened to be in my underwear when I made that decision."

Smirking, he leaned against Eren a little more and not so subtly ground his ass against his groin. Eren huffed out a surprised breath, and Levi laughed quietly before he said, "But I'll admit, this is a nice benefit."

Eren swore he could feel his member slipping right into the cleft of Levi's ass, even through their layers of clothing, and it was doing things to him, oh yes it was. He ground back, growling playfully as he immediately set to nibbling on the skin of Levi's neck, skimming his lips over his nape and working his way back up to his ear. Levi hummed in appreciation, arching into the attention and weaving his fingers into Eren's hair to encourage him. However, when he felt his own member stirring, he figured they should stop now or they'd never make it out the door.

"Alright you," he admonished, "I need to shower, you need to eat, or we're going to be stuck here all day."

"All day doesn't sound too bad," Eren murmured against his skin, before leaning down and pressing his lips to Levi's in a soft, slow kiss.

Levi let himself be kissed for a few moments, before he backed out of the embrace and repeated, "Come on brat, get going."

He followed up his statement with a light smack on the boy's rear, to which Eren jumped in surprise at, before turning around and regarding Levi with a huge grin on his face. Levi just rolled his eyes and went to move past him, however the instant he was in front of Eren, he felt a return smack on his own behind, and he turned around sharply. The boy was still smiling at him, laughter bubbling out of his chest that only increased when he saw Levi's look of mock offense. Knowing he was in for it, Eren began to slink away, yelping when he saw Levi lunge at him, and he made a run for it down the hallway, laughing all the way as the older man chased him. He caught up to Eren easily, catching him in his room and gripping him around the waist while the boy shrieked with laughter and made half-hearted attempts to break free. Levi was laughing as well as he wrestled him down onto the bed, landing on top of him so that he was straddling his waist and hovering over Eren, who had placed his hands on Levi's hips. The two of them gazed at each other for a minute, getting out the last of their giggles and appreciating the high, exultant color in the other's cheeks, before Levi leaned down and blew a raspberry against the boy's neck. Eren broke out into another fit of laughter and began squirming in delight.

Eventually, he managed to flip Levi over so that the two of them were laying side by side on the bed, their ribs still shaking with laughter, before Eren mentioned casually, "You know, I need a shower too. And, just saying, we'd save on water if we showered together. It only makes economic sense."

Levi sighed and sat up, taking Eren's hand and pulling him up as well. "Come on then," he said, leading him towards the bathroom.

It was then that Eren realized he couldn't remember the last time he had smiled so much that his face hurt, and even more wonderful, he realized that this day was only the first of many days to come like this.

000

They did eventually make it to the beach after a heady make-out session that eventually turned into an enthusiastic blowjob, which ended up lasting long enough that the effort of saving money on the water bill turned out to be pointless. Once they arrived at the beach, Eren had bounced around like a giddy child while Levi had at first tolerated his enthusiasm like a tired dad, and then finally joined in, unable to resist. After all, Eren's excitement over visiting a place he had wanted to visit for so long was infectious, and it would take a stronger man than Levi to resist falling for Eren's charming happiness.

The two of them spent the day walking along the pier, hand in hand, wherein they had gotten many interesting looks from passersby. Some of them were flattering, others not so much, but it did make Eren smile and blush when a group of young women had "aww"-ed at them, and they had damn near exploded into a cooing fit when Levi turned and kissed Eren's temple. Afterwards, they had waded in the water. Well, Eren had waded in the water while Levi had stayed firmly planted in the sand, unwilling to go in the gross, fish-piss infested cesspool, as he had put it, and watched him play around in the water, only coming out with a shriek when a patch of seaweed brushed against his ankle. They had hiked the trails around the beach as well until the sun began to set, and they had finally returned to the beach to enjoy it.

However, as the sun began to set, an interesting phenomenon occurred on the shoreline. The water had begun to pull back enough that most of the sandbar that had been underwater that morning was now exposed to the air, with the water only barely brushing against it as the waves rolled in and out. Eren had excitedly suggested they walk down it, and Levi relented, deciding since most of the water had pulled back it couldn't be all bad now. So here they were again, walking hand in hand once more, the orange sun sinking gradually into the horizon off to their right, warming their bodies nicely. The beach was still full of people, but they found it was almost easy to ignore them, especially when the only thoughts that Eren could seem to fit into his head that day were how amazing and special Levi was to him.

"I'm sorry I couldn't take you to a real beach," Levi said, "It's on a lake and everything, and"-

Eren shook his head at him and cut him off with, "Don't be. This is more than fine. I had lots of fun, and honestly you could take me into the middle of a boring ass desert and as long as I was with you I'd have fun. Besides, the ocean isn't going anywhere, we have plenty of time to see it someday. For now, this is more than enough."

Levi smiled softly, but it disappeared when a moment later, Eren said, "Look, I hate to bring this up now, but it's been bothering me for a while. When I'm done with the program, I know I'll have to be on my own, but…I don't want to leave you. I like this. I like waking up every morning and having you there with me. It makes me feel safe, knowing that in case I need someone any time of the day, you're there. And…and…"

"And what, Eren?"

"I'm almost worried that your feelings for me might change once I'm not there every day anymore."

Levi didn't even hesitate to answer him with, "No, that won't happen. I told you Eren, it's just you that makes me feel like this. I promise, I'm not going anywhere if you aren't."

Eren took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, relieved. Then Levi added, "Think of it like this. When you get out of the program, we won't have to hide this anymore. Yes, you'll have to move out, get used to life on your own for a while, but someday, I'll let you move back in if you'd like."

The boy nodded, liking the sound of the idea. "I was thinking of asking Erwin if there's any way I could join the Wings of Freedom too. I want to help kids like me. And I think I'd like to do it with you. What do you think?"

Levi smiled approvingly, and replied, "You can definitely see about that. It's a lot of work, but if you're up for it…I'd like to have you alongside me."

Overcome with happiness, Eren turned suddenly and scooped him up in his arms. Levi yipped in surprise, but it soon dissolved into a snort when Eren swung him around in a half circle, Eren's arms supporting Levi under his rear. The two of them then stood there for a moment, and Levi took the opportunity to absorb the sound of the waves breaking upon the shore, the feeling of Eren's arms around him, and the perfect sight beneath him. Eren looked so windblown and warm, his body gilded in the burnt orange light of the setting sun and his eyes capturing the light as well. His color was high and he was laughing and smiling. Levi felt his heart swell, his body so full of affection for this boy that he didn't think he'd be able to contain it. Instead he leaned down and kissed him, holding the sides of his face and humming contentedly when Eren kissed him back.

Soon enough, Eren put him down on the sand again, and to Levi's immense surprise, once they began walking again, he began to sing. But not just any song, the song Levi had sung to him many times, beginning the day they met, the song about the two lovers dancing upon the waves and sharing their first kiss with each other. His singing voice was natural and though it technically wasn't the greatest, there was so much emotion behind it that he didn't care. He was just touched that Eren had made a point to memorize it, and couldn't stop the pleased blush on this face if he tried.

"Hello pretty one

with eyes like the sea,

come and dance with me,

come and dance with me.

Hello pretty one

with eyes like the sea,

dance on the waves with me."

When the last verse faded out, Levi couldn't stop himself from nuzzling his face into Eren's throat, too overcome with happiness and a pleasant sense of embarrassment to say anything. This kid was going to be the death of him, and he never wanted him to go, ever.

"Eren," he mumbled against his skin, "I have a song for you now. It's not one my mom made up, but she always told me if she was ever lucky enough to be married, it was the song she'd like to have played at her wedding. Now, it's about marriage, but I'm not asking you to marry me or anything, I just thought…would you...?"

"Of course," Eren replied, and Levi felt the vibrations in his throat as he spoke against his nose, "I'll take any excuse I can get to hear you sing."

With that, Levi stopped the both of them, keeping his eyes on their bare feet, marveling at the way their toes squished into the sand, and began singing so quietly that Eren could barely hear him over the sound of the water or the shrieks of children in the background.

"I'll swim and sail on savage seas,

with ne'er a fear of drowning,

and gladly ride the waves of life

if you will marry me."

He wrapped his arms around Eren's waist, still not looking him in the eye, and felt the boy wrap his arms around his waist in turn. Levi began to sway them both back and forth gently, gradually relaxing when he felt Eren rubbing a hand up and down his back. Gradually, he built up more confidence, and lifted his head, looking Eren directly in the eye as he sang the next verse, feeling his own face soften into one of immense fondness.

"No scorching sun, nor freezing cold,

will stop me on my journey,

if you will promise me your heart

and love me for eternity."

And then Levi's eyes widened into two perfectly round windows of surprise when Eren began to sing the next verse in answer.

"My dearest one, my darling dear,

your mighty words astound me.

But I've no need of mighty deeds

when I feel your arms around me."

He squeezed Levi a little tighter, smiling hugely at Levi's surprise that Eren had sung back at him. However, his surprised melted quickly into delight, and he didn't miss a beat as he continued cheerfully.

"But I would bring you rings of gold,

I'd even sing you poetry.

And I would keep you from all harm…"

Levi leaned up and pressed their foreheads together, hearing Eren laugh breathily through his nose, and feeling the sun warm the side of his face brilliantly as he finished with, "If you would stay beside me."

Eren laughed as he leaned back and answered.

"I have no use for rings of gold,

I care not for your poetry.

I only want your hand to hold."

And Levi sang, "I only want you near me."

He pecked Eren on the cheek, and the two of them sang together in a soft harmony that in no way probably sounded good to the odd person passing by, but made Levi's and Eren's ears ring with a beauty that only meant something to them, with only their hearts and the setting sun as the witnesses to the event.

"To love, to kiss, to sweetly hold,

For the dancing and the dreaming.

Through all life's sorrows and delights

I'll keep your love beside me.

"I'll swim and sail on savage seas

with ne'er a fear of drowning

and gladly ride the waves of life

If you will marry me."

The two of them pressed their foreheads together one more time, sharing a breath to finish the song, soft and low, sweet and perfect.

"If you

will marry me."

When the last note finished ringing out between them, Levi had to ask, "How did you know the words to that song?"

Eren shrugged. "My mom told me that was the song she and my dad danced to for their first dance at their wedding reception. She'd sing it around the house enough that I didn't really have a choice but to learn the words."

Levi laughed lowly, and tucked his face against Eren's throat, hugging him tightly, seeing the last ray of the sun disappearing over the mountains beneath his closed eyelids, and felt the first light of the stars shine down upon them. He then mumbled into Eren's skin, "I meant it, you know. I want to ride the waves of life with you, Eren. As long as you want me, I'll be around. No matter what happens from here on out, you'll have me by your side. I'll help you and support you however I can, so don't ever worry about being alone again. You're stuck with me from here on out."

Eren sighed into Levi's hair contentedly, feeling his throat close up with emotion as he answered, "Thank you. You don't know how much I needed to hear that. And the same goes for you, you know. I'll be here to annoy you until our dying day."

The older man nuzzled him, breathing a soft sigh, keeping himself tightly snuggled against the boy who held his heart, and said with certainty, "I'm okay with that."

And the both of them sat there, looking out upon the world that had regained its beauty at long last in their eyes from upon the highest tower of their castle that they had taken them so long to build. Its walls were still fragile in some areas, but had strengthened in others, only made stronger by the warm arms and soft reassurances of the other. For after so many years of looking, they had finally found the only thing in the world stronger than their fears, more all-consuming than their hatred, the one thing that ran even deeper than the dark. They could sum it up in a four letter word that was on the tips of both of their tongues but neither had the courage to speak aloud just yet. Now that they had found it, they couldn't imagine their lives without it, and never wanted to lose it again.

However, as solid as their castle was, it wasn't perfect, and especially vulnerable to inside forces. And it wouldn't take much of that force to make it all come crashing down, and turn all of their kingdom into cinders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means, "dance with me," and the song used in this chapter that wasn't mine was "For the Dancing and the Dreaming" from the movie How to Train Your Dragon 2. Specifically I listened to the cover by the Hound and the Fox while writing this, and I highly recommend you go and listen to it while you read this, it's beyond gorgeous and fills me with feels. Well, I hope everyone enjoyed, I gave myself several cavities while writing this lol.


	21. Der Untergang

Eren's favorite season used to be summer, and he supposed it still was. He loved running around barefoot, not having to worry about putting on a coat before he went outside, and all the beautiful greenery that surrounded him. However, he was beginning to like winter a lot more than he did before for a very simple reason. As summer melted into fall and fall began to shift into the beginning of winter, the cold began to kick in. And when the cold began to kick in, Eren realized that Levi, while he loved the winter, became cold very easily. Which meant lots and lots of cuddling, or at the very least Levi constantly asking if Eren could sit on his feet to keep them warm, or hold his hands for the same reason. He also asked the boy to share his bed for more nights now, saying that his room was far too cold at night anymore, and who was Eren to deny him that?

So that was how Eren found himself waking up in Levi's bed one morning late in November. He felt so groggy and heavy, his limbs still mostly stiff and carrying that lingering feeling of paralyses that afflicts the body during the deepest part of sleep. At first, he had no idea why he was even awake. The sun wasn't even up, and lifting his heavy eyelids he glanced up at the digital clock by the bed to see that it was barely six in the morning. He blinked a few times, yawning hugely and feeling tears spring up in his eyes. He then stretched slightly, trying to rid his arms and legs of the stiff feeling, and as he did he discovered why his body had woken him up at this ungodly hour. His swollen bladder protested at the movement, threatening to empty its contents if he moved too much again. Eren groaned in discomfort, both at his painfully full bladder and the thought that he was going to have to get out of bed to relieve it, especially when he could feel how cold the air in the room was against his face.

Resigning himself to his fate, the boy began to shift around again, trying to slip out of bed without moving the blankets too much, before he felt something tighten around his waist, and realized a moment later that it was Levi's arm. So sleepy had he been that he hadn't even noticed that his arm was there at all. And it was preventing him from leaving.

"Levi?" Eren asked tentatively, "Hey, you're going to have to let me get up. I have to pee."

It was quiet for a moment as Levi's mostly asleep brain processed what he said, before he groaned petulantly and hugged Eren a little tighter to him. "Mmm, stay," he mumbled, his voice rough with exhaustion.

Eren sighed, shaking his head fondly. "Levi, come on."

"Noooo," he whined, burying his nose firmly in between Eren's shoulder blades. His hands snaked up around his chest as well. "You're warm and you smell good. Stay."

"I will literally be right back. But unless you want me to piss on everything you love, you're going to have to let me get up."

Sighing in defeat, Levi drew his arms back towards himself, releasing the boy and finally allowing him to crawl out of bed and stumble sleepily towards the bathroom. When he returned, he slipped back under the blankets, facing Levi this time, and was immediately pulled into an embrace by the older man. He smiled softly as Levi wrapped his arms back around his waist and tangled their legs together. He felt Levi shift around for a bit, his movements slow and groggy, and his smile only grew wider when he heard the older man make a few snuffling and whining sounds, which were very much reminiscent of a sleepy puppy. He felt Levi nuzzle his nose firmly into his chest, before he sighed heavily, contentedly, and settled down again. Eren felt warmth blossoming in his breast, and a sense of affection so deep and profound that he felt his heart spilling over with it. He curled around Levi a little more tightly, wrapping his arms around him, and closed his eyes again.

The two of them managed to drop off again for a few hours after that, Eren dozing more lightly while Levi became dead to the world in a matter of minutes if his snores were anything to go by. Far from annoying him though, the man's soft snores comforted Eren, because it meant that Levi was calm and comfortable enough to sleep, instead of being kept awake by nightmares. The boy also felt he'd never get over how much trust Levi placed in him. People were at their most vulnerable when they slept, and the fact that the older man not only felt comfortable enough to fall asleep around Eren, but was comforted by his presence enough so that he could fall asleep at all, meant more to him than he'd ever be able to put into words.

The boy eventually opened his eyes again a few hours later, and this time there was light streaming in through the windows. He knew he should probably get up, but the warm body snuggled so tightly against his own, combined with the fact that even while he had slept, Levi hadn't moved an inch, and that meant his arms were still around Eren, made a compelling argument for him to stay right where he was. The boy curled further around the smaller man in his arms, managing to nuzzle his nose into his hair, before he reached up and began to stroke the skin at the nape of his neck. Levi moaned sleepily, appreciative of the attention, but not awake enough to articulate that fact. Eren shifted his head so that it was lying lightly on top of Levi's, the other man suddenly feeling so small and vulnerable in his arms. But Eren would protect him, protect him from anything, and he hoped Levi knew that.

Levi let out another sighing moan when Eren sat up slightly and began to pepper slow, sleepy kisses over his face and in his hair, the boy not even bothering to open his eyes as he did so. He simply let the peace, warmth and comfort of the moment settle over them and absorbing the cozy and intimate feelings into his being. He kept stroking the nape of Levi's neck, and smiled as the other man shivered from the action, knowing how sensitive he was there.

"You awake?" Eren eventually asked.

"Mmph," Levi grunted in response, and buried his face more firmly against him, trying to hide himself from the boy's view.

However, Eren wasn't fooled, and he leaned down to kiss his neck before trying again.

"Leviiii," he said in a sing-song voice, "Come on, I know you're awake. Levi. Leeeeviiii. Lee"-

"You're gigantic pain in my ass," came the annoyed grumble at last.

His voice was extremely rough and thick, a perfect morning voice that had butterflies flitting around in Eren's stomach. Eren then snorted and said, "And I'm all yours."

Before Levi could reply, the boy leaned away from him, exposing his face, and scooted down so that he could place a soft kiss, chaste kiss against his lips. Levi's nose twitched like a rabbit's in response, and his eyes opened into slits, fixing Eren with a bleary stare. The boy couldn't resist booping his nose in response, before kissing his lips again.

"You're lucky you're cute," Levi mumbled.

"I am pretty damn cute aren't I?" Eren agreed, "Just don't' forget it. Now are you going to feed me or am I going to have to start eating the sheets?"

Levi sniffed in annoyance and closed his eyes again, curling up more firmly against the boy's warm body before he said, "You're eighteen years old, Eren, and you have two working thumbs. You can haul that cute ass of yours into the kitchen and get it yourself."

Eren placed a couple more kisses in his hair. "Grumpy this morning aren't we?" He nudged Levi with his thigh slightly, the thigh the other man had draped his own thigh over, and observed, "Jesus, you have got some serious morning wood. Is that why you're so grouchy?"

"Eren, take the long road to Hell on a horse with a barbed saddle."

"Oh that's a yes." He kissed the tip of Levi's nose, and then nibbled on his earlobe, before whispering into his ear, "Want me to take care of it for you?"

Eren saw a shiver run all the down Levi's spine at his suggestion, but the older man said, "Isn't it a bit early for this? And aren't you hungry?"

The boy shrugged. "You're going to shower anyway, aren't you? And at the moment I'm hungrier for you than anything in that kitchen."

Levi snorted. "That was so stupid."

"I know. Did it work though?"

The older man just shook his head fondly and yawned, rolling over onto his back as he said, "Do whatever you want, kid."

That was what he said, and yet Levi not so subtly spread his legs, an invitation that Eren's teenage libido was helpless to turn down. Levi observed as the boy's pupils almost instantly blew wide, and Eren licked his lips in anticipation. He made himself more comfortable, lying alongside the length of Levi's body, his head by the older man's, before he reached down, massaging Levi's pubic bone teasingly. Levi sucked in a breath, keeping his eyes closed, and lightly pressed his himself further into Eren's hand. Permission given to keep going, Eren smirked, and worked his hand down further until he was gripping Levi through his boxers.

Eren didn't look at his hand for almost the entire time he worked Levi, partially because it was obscured by the blanket anyway, but mostly because the view above the blankets was far more engaging. Eren watched as Levi tried to maintain a neutral expression, but the more enthusiastic and confident the boy became, the harder this was to do. He gently massaged him, slowly, hand bobbing and working in a steady rhythm like that of a wave, feeling Levi shift so that he could spread his legs further and give Eren better access. His brows began to draw together and his breathing became shallower, and the boy felt his face heating up at the erotic expression he was making.

"Good?" Eren felt the need to ask, and Levi didn't hesitate to nod.

"S'good. Real, real good," he answered, "Jesus Eren, you're a fucking gift sent to me from the heavens."

The boy laughed, feeling his face heating up further at his words. He kept watching as Levi squirmed, unable to keep still as the pleasure grew more intense. His hips undulated softly, and he arched his neck so that his throat was bared, his lips still parted as he hummed in appreciation. These, and the fact that he was still on his back, were all signs of submission and trust, and Eren felt his heart flutter at these physical signs of just how much Levi trusted him to not hurt him, to take care of him. The fact that he could trust at all, despite all that had been done to him, blew Eren's mind.

Unable to resist those parted lips any longer, Eren placed a brief kiss on them, but Levi couldn't hold it for long as his panting grew heavier. Instead, Eren snuggled closer to him, and placed a series of kisses on his forehead, eyelids and cheeks, nuzzling him intermittently.

He praised, "You're doing so well right now. I know I keep telling you you're beautiful, but holy shit, Levi…"

"You make me feel beautiful," Levi admitted, "That's a debt I'll never be able- mmm –be able to repay. E-Eren… _Eren_ …"

Eren carefully removed Levi's length from inside of his underwear, stroking it more quickly and marveling at how hot and heavy it was in his palm. He then leaned down and sucked lightly on the skin of that creamy, vulnerable throat, feeling Levi's vocal chords vibrate beneath his lips as he moaned lightly and his Adam's apple bob under his tongue as he swallowed.

"Eren," he whispered helplessly, "I-I'm, I"-

"It's okay," the boy said with a kiss to his cheek, "I'm right here. I've got you."

Eren sped up his hand, and that was all it took for Levi's spine to bow and a series of sharp, short moans to escape him, before the boy felt a warm wetness dribble down his hand and wrist. Levi immediately buried his face in Eren's neck, whimpering quietly and shaking gently, and Eren set to pressing several kisses in his hair to comfort him. He whispered to him what a great job he did, how pretty he was, and how Eren would always be there to take care of him no matter what.

"I'll always be here," Eren assured him, "You'll never be alone again. I promise."

"Thank you," Levi mumbled against his neck, and he cuddled as close as he possibly could, drinking in the boy and his comfort and wondering how he had survived so long without it. He had grown so dependent on Eren for so many things, which he knew was dangerous, but it was too late. Eren was here, in his veins, mingled in with his bones and blood and curled up in his heart, and he wasn't going anywhere any time soon. And he knew the boy didn't have a problem with that.

After a few minutes where they lay there and allowed Levi's heart to slow down, Eren finally asked, "You alright now?"

Levi nodded, still not taking his face out of his neck, and said, "Mmm, fine."

"Okay. I'm going to get up and eat then"-

"Oh no you don't."

Levi sat up and pulled Eren closer to him, before flipping them over so that Eren was underneath him, Levi's hands on either side of his head. The boy blinked in surprise at the sudden change in their positions, before he raised an eyebrow and smirked suggestively.

"Oh yeah?" he asked, "Is this how it's going to be?"

"You bet it is," Levi answered with confidence, reaching down to pat the side of Eren's behind, and then reached forward to carefully grab him by the groin, "You think I didn't feel how hard you were from getting me off? You're not leaving this bed until this is taken care of."

"I'm not, am I?"

"Nope. You've, like you said, made me hungry for you now."

Eren's snort of amusement quickly turned into a gasp of pleasure as Levi set to repay him in full.

000

Later that afternoon, they made the quick trek over to Petra's for Eren's appointment, both of them mourning the fact that it was now too cold to walk over. However, Levi told him it was just something to look forward to next year, and Eren agreed with him.

"Oh!" Eren exclaimed suddenly right before they pulled into Petra's driveway, "I almost forgot, I already went out and got your Christmas present. And your birthday one."

Levi rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. "Eren, it's not even December yet, you didn't have to"-

"Too late, I already did," he said with a definitive nod, "I was too excited. Ugh, you're going to love your presents, I can't wait to see how you react when you open them."

Levi shook his head, and said, "I'm sure I'll love them. If it makes you feel any better, I also already have your Christmas presents for you, and I'm sure you'll love them too."

"Great, now you have me all excited," Eren pouted, "Can't you give me a hint?"

"Nope. No hints."

"Leviiii…"

"No, you'll survive until December, you whiny baby. I'm not ruining the surprise."

"I wasn't the whiny baby this morning. That was most definitely you, sir."

Levi scoffed and pulled into Petra's driveway, pulling Eren's hood over his eyes playfully once he put the car in park. Eren quickly pulled the hood off, snickering to himself, and the two of them put quickly put on the facades that they always did when they went over to Petra's, or to the doctor's to see Hanji. Neither of them liked pretending that they were nothing more than friends in front of the other members of the Wings of Freedom, but if that's what it took for them to stay together, than they figured they'd survive. So as much as Eren would like to take Levi by the hand as they walked up the driveway, he refrained, and acted as naturally as possible while they stood in front her door and waited for her to answer it once Levi rang the doorbell.

Not a moment later, Petra was there opening the door for them, however her usual smile was lacking replaced instead by a grimace of pain that both of the two men noticed. When she let them in, Levi immediately asked what was wrong as he removed his coat and took Eren's as well.

"Oh, nothing too serious," she said with a wave of her hand, "I just slipped at the end of the driveway while getting the mail from the mail box. Didn't see a patch of black ice. Went to see Hanji this morning, she said I just bruised my knee really good, nothing is broken though. I just need to keep ice on it which…oh, shoot."

"What's wrong?" Eren asked as he took off his shoes.

"My ice packs are all in my freezer," Petra explained, "And that's in the basement. I don't dare try to handle stairs at the moment either."

"I can get them," the boy offered.

"Oh honey, you don't have to, I know basements make you nervous."

Eren shrugged. "Not too much anymore. Levi's doesn't. I think I can handle it, and if I can't, I'll call Levi down to take care of it."

"Well, alright," Petra said, "If you're sure. Basement is in through the garage. There's a light switch off to your left as soon as you open the door, and the freezer is at the bottom of the stairs."

"Big white container, easily big enough to hold a body if Petra ever decided she wanted to switch careers," Levi added.

She rolled her eyes at him as Eren nodded and headed off, going through the kitchen which he knew led to the garage, and then the basement beyond. He held himself, rubbing his hands against his upper arms as the cold settled in briefly, and he hurried to yank the old basement door open, greeted by the sound of water rushing through the pipes and the sound of the running furnace. Eren then felt around for the light switch before flicking it on. Just as Petra said, the freezer lay just beyond the bottom of the stairs, right out of the range of the light. Still, the old, stone basement had a creepy aura about it that seemed to send a shiver down Eren's spine, and he decided he didn't want to linger any longer than he had to.

Carefully, Eren picked his way down the stairs and stopped in front of the freezer, where he then set to struggle with a heavy lid for a moment. Once he lifted it, he gave himself a mental pat on the back, before he bent over the freezer and began pushing aside Petra's frozen meats to look for a couple of usable ice packs.

However, the longer he took, the more inexplicably nervous he became, the hair standing up on the back of his neck, and he shook himself, telling himself he was being ridiculous. There was no danger here. Levi and Petra were literally only a couple of doors away.

Suddenly the sound of the water rushing through the pipes grew louder, and the furnace gave a stuttering bang, making Eren jolt where he stood and his breath quicken in his chest. His mind began to race, too fast for the boy to keep up, and soon he began to lose control of his thoughts.

" _You fucking whore," Nile growled from behind him, yanking Eren's head back by the roots of his hair as he pounded into him, "Stop crying. I don't care if it hurts. You fucking deserve it. You don't deserve the food I shove down your miserable throat, or the roof I put over your head. You don't deserve a damn decent thing except pain, you hear me? I don't want to hear you say you deserve anything ever again."_

_Eren's tears continued to run down his face, even when Nile let go, and he buried his face against the concrete wall, helpless to fight back. The water from the pipes rushing overhead as the laundry was run through was his only companion, and it ignored his plight._

Eren pressed the heel of his hand over one eye, groaning in sudden terror. He could feel himself backing away from the freezer as adrenaline rapidly began to flood his system, his body urging him to run away from the danger.

_The furnace banged, indicating that it was running at full speed. And course it was, it was the middle of January. Eren had bitten Nile's dick hard enough to draw blood, weak in body but furious in spirit. It was a moment of defiance he'd soon regret._

" _You think that's funny, do you?" Nile had taunted as he pushed Eren towards the furnace, now just a few feet away, and even from that distance Eren could feel its searing heat. "You won't be laughing in a minute."_

_Eren struggled as valiantly as he could, but he was so malnourished that it had little effect, and he was soon forced against the furnace, Nile pulling him forward by the penis and pressing the tip of it against the burning hot furnace._

_Eren's screams of agony rang out in the basement, followed up by Nile's rough demands of, "Cry, you bitch! Tell me it hurts! Beg for me to stop. Beg me, damn you!"_

_And the boy had had no choice but to comply._

Eren jumped as the furnace banged again, and he gripped both sides of his head, feeling every one of his limbs shaking and his breast panging painfully with the adrenaline rushing through him. He felt weak and dizzy, terrified and overwhelmed, deciding he needed to get upstairs as quickly as possible. Levi and Petra were there, they would protect him. They'd soothe him and make the flashbacks stop. Levi would hold him close, hold him so tightly he wouldn't be able to breathe, and his smooth, deep voice would chase them away. His scent would fill his head and push out his demons until Levi filled his head once more. Levi would keep him safe. Levi would…Levi…

" _Look at that, I trained the pig well, didn't I?" Nile said to his friends. They were in the living room now, and there were three other men, all casually lounging on couches while they waited for the spectacle to begin._

_Eren trembled as Nile's dog circled around him, sniffing him, pressing his nose into the area where Nile had rubbed the hormones onto him a few moments earlier. Eren couldn't smell them at all, but according to Nile they were meant to mimic the smell of a dog in heat, and the boy was currently locked into a mating brace that was apparently used to force two dogs to mate. His wrists and ankles were chained, and he didn't have a chance of escaping. Every single one of the men was in a position so that they were clearly face to face with his bared rear, which was hoisted into the air by the brace, and despite himself, Eren felt his cheeks flooding with heat while his eyes filled with tears._

_However, the tears only increased when he felt the dog mount him from behind, and Eren yipped from the discomfort that followed, openly sobbing with revulsion and humiliation. It just kept going and going, the men behind him groaning at the sight, Nile even readjusting his dog back into position when he slipped out of Eren._

" _That's right, sit there and take it," Nile growled at him, "Take everything that dog gives you. You're beneath him. You're nothing but a toy, you know that? A filthy fucking toy. You're just a good hole to fuck and that's all you'll ever be."_

Eren felt himself collapse to the floor, his legs giving out from underneath him. He still wanted to escape, needed to, but the panic had forced him to freeze up. How was he supposed to escape his mind anyway? It was painful, so painful, and he tried calling for help, but his voice was so weak and scared, the volume swept away into the undertow of his terror.

"Petra," he rasped, "L-Levi. Levi, help. Help me, I can't..."

He was slipping. He could feel himself slipping further and further away from the world he loved and being plunged back into the world he despised, the world he had been trying to so hard to eradicate from his mind. He kept trying to make his voice louder, but it wouldn't rise past a pathetic squeak. His visions were dragging him down, further and further, Nile's voice, the pain, the blood, the humiliation, all seeking to pull him away from the people he loved. Eren tried to fight, tried to keep Levi's face in his mind, but it was swept away out of his reach, and he was alone. Always alone.

Eren was wrong. His love for Levi wasn't stronger than his fear of Nile.

Back in the house, after almost fifteen minutes had passed, Levi and Petra had begun to grow worried, and Levi made the decision to go after him while Petra followed him to the kitchen and waited by the doorway, unwilling to go down the steps that led into the garage. The light was still on, so Eren was still down here, but Levi didn't hear anything, and didn't see the boy at first.

"Eren?" he called as he began to descend the stairs, "Hey kid, you alright?"

There was no answering call, and that was when Levi began to grow nervous. He raced down the stairs, calling the boy's name again, trying to keep calm. He couldn't afford to assume the worst, couldn't afford to panic. Eren had been doing find for so long, he was fine. Maybe he had just stupidly gotten lost, or distracted. He was okay, Levi would find him and he'd be okay, abashed and apologetic for making him worry, but okay. He was okay.

As soon as Levi heard the gut wrenching, pained sob, followed by the sickening squelch of blood against bone, he knew he wasn't okay. And then he caught sight of him in the mellow light cast by the old lightbulb imbedded in the fixture above their heads, saw his wide, terrified, unseeing eyes, saw that he had sunk his teeth into his hand and that blood was running down his wrist, and it was confirmed.

"Eren!" he shouted, and raced for him. He didn't give himself time to think, he just acted. "Eren no, let go! Don't do this!"

He knelt beside the boy, quickly tried to evaluate the best course of action. Last time this had happened, Eren had slowly responded to Levi's voice and come out of whatever dark world he was trapped in, letting go of his hand on his own. So, for a while, he tried that, patting the side of Eren's face and trying to bring him back.

"Eren come on, it's me," Levi said, trying to keep the panic out of his voice and attempting to keep his tone as gentle as possible, "I'm right here. I found you. You're not there anymore, you're here with me. I won't let anything happen to you. Please let go, Eren. It'll be okay. I'll make it okay, I always do, don't I?"

However, to Levi's horror, he wasn't responding. From the distant, glassy look in his eyes, he definitely wasn't in their world anymore, and was instead lost in the world of his own mind, more so than last time. This wasn't going to work. But he couldn't simply yank his hand from his mouth, or he might do more harm than good, might cause further tearing to that delicate flesh. So Levi did the next best thing he could think of: he reached up and tried to slip his fingers inside of Eren's mouth, to get them in between his teeth and hopefully open up his mouth enough to dislodge his hand. But the boy's body was being powered by adrenaline, making him extremely strong and therefore making his task more difficult. Levi wasn't going to give up though.

"Come on, kid," he grunted, his hands beginning to shake and his arms doing the same, though he didn't know if that was from his own exertions or panic, "Let go. Please don't do this to yourself. Believe me when I say I'm trying to help, and that you need to let go."

For a few moments, Eren did nothing, and suddenly his jaw opened the tiniest amount, and his grip on his hand with his teeth loosened fractionally. Perhaps he was listening to Levi, or perhaps he felt Levi's fingers in his mouth and was actively trying not to hurt him, either way proving that he wasn't all the way gone. Encouraged, Levi slid his fingers in a little further.

"That's it," he said encouragingly, "You can do it. Just a little more. Come on, Eren. I know you can do it. You're stronger than this, I know you know that. Please, kid. Let go."

Finally, after several, drawn out, agonizing moments, Eren at last loosened his grip all the way, and Levi wasted no time in pulling his hand out of his mouth and trying to staunch the sluggish blood flow with his own shirt, wrapping up his hand up by bunching it around the bottom. He saw Eren sway slightly, but otherwise the boy's eyes remained unseeing, though dull now instead of overly shiny. Levi wasn't even sure if he was fully conscious anymore.

"Petra!" he called up the stairs, "Get your car running! Eren hurt himself, we need to get him to the hospital!"

The returning "Okay!" from the kitchen, followed by the retreat of footsteps, and a few moments later the sound of a car being started, calmed Levi just slightly. He was happy Petra hadn't wasted asking time what was wrong, as it was more important that they get going as soon as possible and get Eren help.

In fact, so concerned was he with getting help, he completely forgot about the true significance of the action Eren preformed and consequences it might inspire. Instead, he held the boy tightly against him as he carried him up the stairs, his hand still bunched in Levi's shirt the older man holding him in the back seat for the entire drive. For now, he was far too concerned about Eren's safety to remember the promise Petra had made to Erwin, or think about the possibility that his world might crash around him.

And indeed, it appeared that their castle was soon to come crashing down around them, though only time would tell, and for now, Levi would keep holding Eren just like always and do the only thing he could: hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "the fall."


	22. Königreich in Asche

For the second time, Levi found himself in the hospital anxiously waiting for Hanji to appear from the back and usher him through the door. And just like the last time, he had Petra sitting with him, rubbing his back and reassuring him over and over again that what happened wasn't his fault.

"Eren made his own decision, and we chose to trust him," she told him, "You and I both saw the wonderful progress he was making. We thought he'd be fine. _He_ thought he'd be fine. No one could have predicted this would happen. I know you're going to beat yourself up over this anyway, but please do it with these thoughts in mind."

Levi just let her words sink in, his stomach filled with too many sickening knots and his throat too tight for him to even attempt to answer her back. Besides, he knew she was holding back on confronting the other main reason as to why Levi was so nervous, and for now he was grateful. Eren's injury was his top priority at the moment; he couldn't afford to think about the consequences of him hurting himself at the moment, not if he wanted to stay sane.

When Hanji at last called them back, neither of them had to say a word; she just started filling them in, figuring they had already done this once before.

"It took twenty four stitches this time," she explained once the door was shut behind them and she began to lead them down the hallway, "I think from that alone you can infer that this bite caused even more damage than the one before."

"In what way?" Petra asked.

"Well," Hanji weaved around some passing nurses, "He bit himself even deeper, and the wound was bigger. Managed to damage a tendon in his wrist, but luckily he didn't destroy it completely. He was a lot more out of it when you brought him in this time. I actually managed to get a few of his stitches done before he realized what I was doing and started panicking. Which in turn made the wound bigger, but luckily we sedated him before he could get any worse."

Levi sighed, each one of her words weighing heavily on his heart.

"He's awake now, and of course asking for you," Hanji said, nodding towards Levi, "And…"

"And?" Levi asked apprehensively.

Hanji stopped in the hallway suddenly, and causing the two of them to stop as well. She slid her glasses up her nose and looked away from him, saying quietly, "I think it goes without saying that Erwin is on his way. I called him as soon as Eren was stable. He'll be here soon."

Levi swallowed hard, trying to ignore the sickening shiver in his gut at her words.

They walked a few more doors down, before they reached the one that Eren had been set up in. Levi wasted no time in crossing the threshold when he saw the boy propped up in bed, wearing a hospital issued gown because when he had been brought in, his own hoodie and t-shirt had been soaked with blood. There was now a thick bandage on his left hand, and the instant he caught sight of Levi in the doorway, his eyes rapidly filled with tears and his shoulders began to shudder with repressed sobs. He held up his arms, and Levi crossed the room to stand by his bedside, taking the invitation and pulling Eren into a tight, warm embrace.

"I'm sorry!" Eren babbled, pressing his face hard into Levi's shoulder, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sor"-

"Eren, shh, shh," Levi soothed him, "It's okay. You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"But I-!"

"Shh." Levi placed a hand on the back of his head and held him against him firmly. He felt Eren's tears soak into his shirt at the same time he felt the boy's fingers clawing into his back, gripping the fabric of his hoodie like his life depended on it.

"I ruined everything," Eren whispered brokenly, "It's my fault, it's all my fault."

Levi shook his head, pushing his nose into the boy's hair and holding it there as he mumbled, "No, now stop. Nothing is your fault."

His voice and expression were so gentle that it nearly broke Hanji's and Petra's hearts to see it, and they almost felt like they were intruding on something private. They glanced at each other and nodded, before Hanji stated, "We'll give you two a few minutes. We'll, um, we'll bring Erwin in when he gets here."

Levi nodded distractedly, his attention wholly focused on the young man in his arms, and the two women left the room silently, expressions of worry on both of their faces.

Eren had dissolved into harsh sobs, and his breathing bordered on hyperventilation as his body worked overly hard to draw in air, but was far too panicked by his racing, horrifying thoughts for the air to enter his lungs effectively. At the mention of Erwin's name, he seemed to grow even more frightened, keening and pressing himself impossibly closer against Levi, holding the other man so tightly that his grip bordered on painful.

"Erwin is going to have me sent away," Eren wheezed, voice tight with dread, "We were doing fine, and then I had to go and fuck everything up. Now he's going to send me away and I can't take it."

He shook his head against Levi's shoulder, and added resolutely, "I'm not going with him. He'll have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming, because no matter what he says, I'm not leaving you. I need you, and you need me. We just can't be separated, we can't."

Levi couldn't suppress a shiver of horror at the idea, and he clutched Eren a little tighter to him.

"Eren, let me promise you something right now," he said intensely, "Erwin is only taking you away over my dead body. I'll fight whoever I have to for as long as I have to so I can keep you with me. So don't worry, alright? I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. Let me do the worrying for both of us, okay? It's going to be alright."

Eren shuddered hard, but forced himself to take a few deep breaths, coughing when he did so. The tears didn't let up, however, and Levi just let him cry, rocking them back and forth, rubbing his back and running his fingers through his hair. He even glanced at the doorway to make sure no one was looking before pressing a few kisses against Eren's head, trying to make him feel as safe and cared about as he possibly could.

"I want to go home," the boy whimpered.

Levi kissed his hair again. "I know. We will, I promise. When Hanji lets you out, we'll pile onto the couch and hide under every blanket I have in the house. I'll make you whatever you want for dinner, and we can watch whatever you want. Does that sound good?"

After a pause, he felt Eren nod against his shoulder, but he still didn't look up. So the older man continued with a soothing string of words, keeping his tone even and soft and hoping it would stop the last of Eren's tears.

"We'll be out of here soon," he promised, "And then we'll put this behind us, and work harder than ever. Right? You were doing amazing, this is only a little setback. We can only go up from here. This doesn't change anything, Eren. It doesn't change how much I believe in you, or how wonderful I think you are. You're still so special to me, and you mean the world to me. I'm still here, and I'll always be here."

"I love you."

That stopped Levi dead in his tracks, and any more words he might have spoken died on his tongue. He looked down as he felt Eren shift around a bit, and the boy pulled his face out his shoulder to look at him. His eyes were red and puffy, and his cheeks were streaked with tears, new and old. He was sniffling repeatedly, and Levi reached inside of his pockets for a tissue before pulling one out and giving it to him. He allowed Eren to blow his nose and throw the tissue away, before he began searching his face for a deeper explanation.

Eren wiped at his eyes and murmured, "I meant to tell you earlier. But I was too afraid. I know that you're also the most special thing in the world to me, and that I want to protect you from everything that wants to hurt you. I want to keep you happy for as many days as I can and I want to be by your side for as long as you'll have me. I don't have any other word for that desire other than 'love,' so I think that's what this is."

"Sounds like it to me," Levi agreed.

He then smiled so tenderly at Eren that the boy felt his insides melting at the sight, and he closed his eyes in relieved bliss when Levi cupped the sides of his face, stroking his thumbs over his cheeks.

"And I love you too," Levi assured him. He wouldn't admit out loud that he thought this because it felt like his feelings for Eren were too big to contain in just his chest; they had spilled over into the rest of his being so that he had no choice but to love him with his whole body instead of just his heart. Instead he said, "I think it's because you're the only one who puts up with my shit day in and day out and still thinks my poop jokes are funny."

Eren snorted. "That has to be it."

Levi leaned forward and kissed his forehead, before he felt Eren lean forward and rub their noses together in an Eskimo kiss. The boy then whispered, "It still feels amazing to hear you say it."

The older man's smile grew wider, and he repeated, "I love you. And I'm right here for you. I won't let anyone separate us."

"I know," Eren whispered, and brushed their lips together in a chaste kiss, "We're going to ride the waves of life together, right?"

Levi returned the kiss a little more firmly, and said against Eren's lips, "It's a promise."

The boy sagged in relief against him, dipping his head so that he could hide it in the secure darkness of his shoulder again and simply enjoying the fact that while he was still nervous, his heart wasn't trying to smash its way out of his chest anymore. He allowed Levi's scent to fill his nose, letting it distract him from the disinfectant smell of the hospital. It reminded him of home, and it settled his nerves.

"Can we have lasagna tonight?" Eren found himself asking.

The older man let out a sharp breath that was meant to be a laugh. "Eren, if you eat anymore cheese you're going to turn into a mouse."

"But cheese is bad for mice," the boy counteracted, "Cartoons lied to you."

Levi snorted, and Eren lifted his head again, the spark having returned to his eyes once more. The older man shook his head fondly at him, before pecking his lips again, and saying, "I know I've already told you this, but never change, kid."

Eren blushed happily and pulled Levi back into an embrace, nuzzling his cheek against the side of the older man's head. He closed his eyes, absorbing the warm and contented feelings that filled him, enjoying how safe Levi made him feel. As long as he was in Levi's arms, nothing could hurt him. He was content and warm, and above all, where he belonged. Levi had become synonymous with home, and both this and the knowledge that he had Levi's love, instilled a sense of peace and comfort that Eren knew he'd never find anywhere else on Earth.

The boy sighed heavily and contentedly, and opened his eyes with the intent of pulling back from the embrace so he could kiss Levi again. However, in doing so, he happened to catch sight of the doorway. And he happened to notice that they were no longer alone.

Eren gasped, and upon hearing that, Levi turned around to see that not only had Hanji and Petra returned, but Erwin was now with them. And each one of them had different reactions on their faces. Hanji looked surprised, her lips parted slightly in shock. Petra was glancing at the floor guiltily, looking deeply sad. And Erwin looked furious beyond words, blue eyes narrowed into slits as he stared down Eren and Levi. It was enough to tell the both of them that they had all been there long enough to witness things that Eren and Levi would much rather they hadn't. And for a moment, the two them stared at the party in the doorway, searching desperately for something, anything to say.

Levi spoke first, putting himself between Eren and Erwin, instinctively shielding the boy from the perceived threat, and stammering, "Erwin, this- it's not what it"-

"Save it, Levi," Erwin cut him off.

"No, you have to listen to me"-

"I said. Save it."

For once, Levi was too frightened to argue any longer, and he shut his mouth, lowering his head and his gaze submissively, as if those gestures would appease the angry man in the doorway. He could feel Eren, still pressed tightly against his body, begin trembling.

"Come with me," Erwin ordered.

Levi rose from the bed obediently, his movements stiff with trepidation and his stomach squirming to the point where he felt nauseous. He knew at that moment that any hope he might have had of being able to convince Erwin to give Eren another chance and allow him to stay at home with him was wholly and completely gone. Eren was going to be sent to Hutchings for sure now, and there was nothing Levi could do to stop it. He just hoped Erwin would make this brief.

However, Levi didn't expect to hear a second rustling sound, and he looked down to see that Eren was also rising from the bed on shaky legs, keeping himself firmly glued to the older man's side. He looked scared, but determined, obviously planning on going with them.

Levi placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head, saying gently, "No Eren. You stay here. I can handle this."

Eren narrowed his eyes, and insisted, "I'm not letting you go by yourself! You're just as scared as I am! I don't want you to be alone when you're scared."

Sure enough, Levi then noticed that the hand on the boy's shoulder was quivering slightly, and he withdrew it, clenching it into a fist at his side. As comforting as Eren's presence would be, he felt like it would somehow hurt them even more, like they were just confirming what Erwin already knew. So he shook his head again, and said, "I'll be okay. You stay here. Stay warm under the blankets, alright? I'll be back soon."

Eren opened his mouth to argue again, but Levi cut him off before he could with, "Petra, could you stay with him please?"

Honestly, part of him was afraid that his friend didn't want anything to do with him anymore now that his secret was out. However, whatever her current feelings were, she didn't hesitate to answer with, "Of course," and walk over next to Eren, placing her hands on his shoulders and attempting to coax him back to the bed. Satisfied that his boy would be taken care of, Levi followed Erwin and Hanji, but when he reached the doorway, he stopped for a brief moment, turning to look at Eren one more time. The boy was still standing there, his eyes filled with tears once more, looking so concerned that Levi felt his heart skip a beat. Truly, he wanted nothing more than to turn back around and dive back into Eren's arms, but he knew he didn't have a choice but to go. The best thing to do would be to get this over with so that he could come back. As he left the room, he could hear Petra assuring Eren that Levi would be back soon, and that for now he should rest as best he could.

Levi followed Hanji and Erwin down the hall for a bit, feeling like a prisoner on his way to the gallows. Hanji at least kept glancing his way every once in a while with concern, but Erwin didn't look at him at all. They finally stopped inside of Hanji's office and locked the door, Erwin taking a seat in front of the desk while Hanji stood off to the side, looking uncomfortable. Levi remained frozen by the shut door, feeling too numb and afraid to move. And he didn't move until Erwin told him to sit down, which he did in the chair in front of the desk, still refusing to meet anyone's eyes.

"So you know exactly why you're in here?" Erwin began.

"Yes," Levi replied softly.

"Alright then. So tell me, how long has this affair been going on for?"

"Since Eren's birthday." Levi almost felt the desire to explain that the boy had been the one to initially confess his feelings, but didn't want to place any blame since they were both equally guilty. Besides, he felt it would be wiser to only answer the questions Erwin asked and give away nothing more than that.

"And nothing else happened before then?" Erwin continued.

Levi shook his head. "No."

"Levi"-

"It's the truth," he insisted, looking the other man straight in the eye. "You can ask Eren and he'll tell you the same thing."

Erwin sighed, deciding to let the point rest for the moment, and keep going with, "And how far have you two gone?"

Levi bowed his head once again, keeping his gaze locked on the wood patterns adorning Hanji's desk as he admitted, "We've slept together."

There was a tense silence in the room for a beat, before Erwin asked, "More than once?"

"Yes."

"And how long as that been going on for?"

"Since this summer."

"Hmm." He heard Erwin hum, and glancing up at him quickly, he saw that his eyes were still narrowed. Levi clenched his hands into fists on top of his thighs, his heart hammering in his chest and threatening to lodge itself into his throat, before he was asked, "So how did this come about? I was under the impression that you were too afraid of intimate physical contact with anyone give your history. So what made Eren different? Unless…Levi, have you had relationships with any of your other cases?"

Horrified and outraged, Levi glanced up at him sharply, his eyes alight with fury as he growled, "No! Erwin how could you even insinuate something like that? I've never, I would never"-

"I agree with him, Erwin, I think you're going a little too far," Hanji said unexpectedly, "You mentioned his history before. Given that history, and his history with the Wings of Freedom and how many kids he's successfully rehabilitated, I believe he's telling the truth."

Erwin sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose briefly, and said, "Alright. But the question mentioned before still stands. Why Eren?"

Levi couldn't figure out how or why this question was relevant, but he figured it would be best to answer without argument. However, what answer was he supposed to give? Anything he said was just going to dig him a deeper hole.

"What do you want me to say?" the shorter man wondered.

"The truth," Erwin told him.

So, resigning himself to his fate, Levi figured he might as well. It wasn't like there was anything he could do to make the situation seem any less bad than it was.

"Fine," he said, "The truth is I don't completely know why. I don't know fully what makes Eren different from every other person on Earth. It might have something to do with the fact that we have similar pasts. Petra mentioned at one point that people that have survived the traumas that we have are rare, so we were able to bond over that, initially. Eren understood me like no one else had, and I understood him. He was able to help me in ways I never even knew I needed, and we began to help each other get better. He's finally helped me to see the world differently for the first time in many years. I think Eren isn't like anyone else because no one has been able to accomplish that. No one has been able to convince me that the world isn't a completely cruel place. No one has been able to show me the real beauty and goodness in it, even though I tell all my kids to look for it. Things aren't perfect and they never will be, but now I have a reason to get up in the morning and actually enjoy how bright and fresh everything is. Eren…brought me back to life. That's why he's different."

There was silence for a moment, before Hanji uttered somewhat in awe, "Levi…that's…."

"Indeed," Erwin agreed, his expression softening somewhat, "That was very moving. And it shows me that the feelings you have for Eren are steadfast and genuine. But at the same time, that's a problem."

Levi raised an eyebrow at him. "I don't understand how two people helping each other deal with the worst periods of their lives and giving each other a reason to live again is a problem."

"You know exactly what the problem is here, Levi," Erwin tapped a finger against the desk, "The manner or reasons as to how you two developed this relationship isn't the problem, but the fact that you developed this relationship at all. It goes against every policy we've laid down and it's unethical. You knew that, so what were you thinking?"

Levi pursed his lips, and replied, "I tried to tell Eren that. He respected my wishes and backed off, but the both of us were miserable, Erwin. We couldn't eat or sleep, and Eren started regressing back to what he was like when he first came to stay with me. I figured we'd both be miserable no matter what decision we made, so we just chose the one that would make us less miserable."

"That's not good enough," Erwin argued, "The point is, you knew this relationship was wrong, but you went ahead with it anyway. There's no excuse for that."

Levi sighed, and bowed his head again, guilt overcoming him once more. "I know."

Erwin tapped his fingers against the desk for a moment, trying to figure out how to articulate his next thought, before he at last said, "I think it's no surprise to you that in light of recent events, for Eren's sake, I'm asking you to uphold the promise you and Petra made me last time I was here. Eren must go to Hutchings. Self-harm is a serious thing, and it's obvious the Wings of Freedom can't give him everything he needs."

He had known it was coming, and yet the words still hit Levi like a physical blow. He felt the air leave his lungs, and his stomach began to hurt as if someone had punched him there. He swallowed down the urge to vomit, and rasped, "Yes sir. I understand."

"In addition…"

Levi's ears pricked, not knowing there would be more. What else could there possibly be? How much worse could this possibly get?

Erwin added after a pause, "In addition, I believe in light of your relationship, that during his treatment at Hutchings, it'd be best if you two weren't allowed to see each other."

In that moment, Levi forgot how to breathe, forgot how to think. His heart stuttered painfully, and his mouth dropped open in shock. "Wha…Erwin, you can't, you can't do that to him!"

"To him?" Erwin wondered, "Or to you?"

Levi gritted his teeth, and hissed, "Listen you bastard"-

"Levi," Hanji cut him off, holding up a hand to silence him. The man sat back in his chair, still fuming, but he let her say what she needed to say. She continued with to Erwin, "Look, I do agree with you that Eren needs more intensive care, but I don't think cutting him off from his support system is going to benefit him at all."

"You're right," Erwin agreed, "I'm only saying that Levi wouldn't be allowed to visit. Anyone else, like you or Petra, or anyone else that he's grown close with, would be allowed to see him. It's just I believe he's grown too attached to Levi to the point where he feels like he can't do anything without him, and if we leave them as is, it's only going to make Eren sicker."

"But Eren doesn't trust us like he trusts Levi," Hanji said, "I'm afraid if you separate them, _that's_ what's going to make Eren sicker. Petra has already told you that because of his past trauma he's very slow to trust and acclimate himself to new surroundings. If you take away the only person he feels comfortable enough to vent his fears and insecurities to, it's only going to make him more anxious and slow to heal."

"Hanji, my decision is final," he stated, "And it's not just for Eren's sake. Both he and Levi need to learn to stand on their own two feet. I think this will be beneficial for both of them."

Levi clenched his jaw, feeling tears of frustration building behind his eyes, and yet he managed to ask, "And how long would Eren be at Hutchings for?"

"I don't know," Erwin replied, "For however long they deem necessary for him to recover. That could be just a couple months, or years. It depends on how dedicated Eren is to getting better."

Levi had to shut his eyes and breathe through the pain at the thought of being separated from Eren for years. He sighed, and asked quietly, "When are you planning on having him go?"

Erwin said, "I'll have the transporters pick up Eren tomorrow morning. They'll probably be there around eight."

_Eight in the morning. He had so little time left…_

"I understand," Levi said monotonously, "May I go now?"

The other man nodded. "Yes, you're dismissed. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Levi stood robotically from the desk, and left the room without a word. He barely made it more than a few feet down the hallway before Hanji was running up to him in the hallway and stopping him with a hand on his shoulder. He turned towards her, seeing nothing but concern in her brown eyes, and he offered her a small smile.

"Thank you for everything you said in there," he told her, "I appreciate you trying."

"Well I meant it," she affirmed, "I mean, you already know that the relationship you guys have is wrong, but I think Erwin separating the two of you like this is worse. I'm just sorry I couldn't do more."

He patted her shoulder and shook his head. "You may be the doctor, but Erwin has final say. Like I said, you tried your best, and I'm grateful for that."

Hanji sighed in frustration. "I just wish this could have been under different circumstances. Levi, I can see how much you care about Eren. We heard you tell him that you love him, and I know you don't toss that word around needlessly. So for you to say that to him…ugh, none of this is fair to you guys."

Levi shook his head again, the sound of a gunshot and his mother's screams echoing in his ears, and the sight of her lifeless body collapsing in front of him played behind his eyes. "Life has never been fair to us," he explained, and then asked, "You will visit Eren in Hutchings for me though, won't you?"

Hanji nodded, "Of course. When I get the chance, I promise I will."

"Thank you. Well, I suppose I better go and break the news to him."

She patted his shoulder again, before drawing him in for a brief hug. Stunned at first, it took him a moment before he returned it, slowly wrapping his arms around her. She then said, "Go ahead. I'll get his release paperwork all set so you can take your boy home and enjoy the evening with him. Tell him you love as often as you can, alright?"

Levi felt his throat tighten as he answered, "I will."

With that, she pulled back out of the embrace, nodded at him again, and then set off in the opposite direction down the hall, leaving Levi alone. The man sighed, and headed slowly towards Eren's room, feeling like every step brought him closer and closer to the end of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "kingdom in cinders." Brace yourselves, the pain is just beginning.


	23. Die letzte Nacht

With a heavy heart, Levi approached the threshold of Eren's room a few minutes later. He didn't know how he was going to be able to look him in the eye and tell him what Erwin had told him. Levi's heart was already breaking inside of his chest, every beat of it more painful than the last, and he felt so sick that he was certain he was going to vomit on the tiled floor.

The feeling only increased when he finally did look up and see Eren, lying in bed under the blankets just as Levi had asked him to, Petra sitting by his side silently with her hand over his. He caught the tail end of their conversation, and honestly, he wanted to break down from that alone.

"I've never been separated from him before since I moved in with him. What am I going to do?" Eren was saying fearfully. His knees were drawn up to his chest and his good hand was gripping the side of his head, digging into his hair.

Petra gave his bad hand a squeeze, and said firmly, "Don't worry, sweetie. No matter what happens, you know Levi isn't going to abandon you. It's going to take a lot more than a few hundred miles to keep him away. He'll be there as often as he can. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if he upped and moved so that he could be closer to you and visit you every day."

"He'd do that?" Eren asked with wide eyes.

"I wouldn't put it past him," Petra said.

Levi took a deep breath and walked inside the room, causing the two of them to look up at him. Petra offered him a bittersweet smile while Eren's eyes widened. Levi found his heart beating irregularly inside of his chest when he caught Eren's stare and held it, and he saw the pain in his eyes. Petra read the signs and stood up from the bed, giving Eren's hand a final pat as she did so.

"I'll wait in the lobby for you two, alright?" she told them.

Levi nodded absently, feeling her pat his shoulder as she passed him and flash him a meaningful look of sympathy as well, before he heard her footsteps retreating from the room.

Once he was sure she was gone, he sat on the edge of the bed, and Eren didn't hesitate to bow his head, lower himself further underneath the blankets, and press his forehead against the base of Levi's throat, nuzzling his nose into the man's skin. He didn't wrap his arms around Levi, too exhausted to do so, counting on Levi to hug him instead, and of course Levi did so. He pulled Eren close, placing his nose in the boy's hair and warming his scalp with his breath.

"When am I going?" Eren asked in a small voice.

Levi took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, answering, "Tomorrow morning. Erwin says the transporters will be there at eight to get you."

He heard Eren draw in a sharp breath, before the boy said, "So we only have one more night together?"

Levi nodded listlessly against the top of his head. "Yeah."

Eren curled up a little more, pressing himself tighter against him, as if trying to hide his vulnerable self from the harsh, final implications of the other man's words. All the while he had been in talking to Erwin, Eren had held some impossible hope that Levi would be able to convince Erwin that Eren should be allowed to stay at home with him, but clearly that hadn't been the case.

"I'm sorry Eren," Levi still felt the need to apologize, "I did try."

"I know you did," Eren said, "It's just…can we go home soon? I don't want to be here anymore."

The older man kissed his hair. "Yes, Eren. Whenever you're ready, we can go."

"Can we still have lasagna tonight?"

He couldn't help the small smile that quirked up the corner of his mouth. "Sure, kid. Anything you want. I'll make you the best goddamn lasagna you've ever had in your life."

"Mmm," Eren hummed, and then said hesitantly, "Heh, you'll have to bring up some lasagna to Hutchings too. When you visit. I'll probably need it, can't imagine the food up there will be that good."

Levi felt his breath stall in his throat, his lungs freezing. Eren must have heard the hitch in his breathing, because he lifted his head to look at him, meeting Levi's eyes uncertainly as he asked, "You _will_ visit me, won't you?"

Eren expected him to start reassuring him automatically that of course, nothing would be able to keep him away. He expected a sweet, soft kiss to his forehead to chase away the doubts that were prickling uncomfortably in his throat, but it didn't come. Instead, Levi was looking down at him like he was trying desperately to hold back tears, and Eren felt his fear intensify. He barely recognized his voice as his own as he asked with terribly quiet uncertainty, "Levi? You will won't you?"

He felt Levi's chest rise and fall against him in a shuddering, pained sigh. Eren found himself reaching up to clutch at the back of his hoodie, feeling the fear spread from his throat down into his chest, squeezing his heart and making every beat of it hurt. Eventually, Levi replied in a regretful whisper, "Erwin said that I wouldn't be allowed to visit you during your treatment at Hutchings."

Eren's breath left him in a rush, as if someone had punched him in the stomach, and his stomach hurt like someone had as well. "Wha…what? No, you…he can't do that. He can't keep you from visiting me."

Levi closed his eyes, bracing himself against the wave of pain that followed as he told him, "He can. I'm so sorry Eren. I tried. Hanji did too, she told him what a bad idea it would be but…there was nothing we could do. His decision is final, and nothing is going to change his mind. I'm sorry…"

Eren shook his head in denial, fresh tears springing up in his eyes, and he gripped the fabric of Levi's hoodie harder. "No. No! He can't do that to us! He can't keep us apart, Levi, he can't! We can't be apart from each other. Oh God, I can't be alone, I don't want to be alone, and you can't be either. We _need_ to be together. I can't- I won't- I can't be alone, I don't want to be alone."

"Eren…" Levi's chest hitched, and he pulled the boy against him in a bruising hug that squeezed the breath out of the both of them, "Eren…"

"Please no," Eren whimpered, clinging to him frantically. He buried his face into Levi's chest, trying to hide from the inevitable truth. "Levi, I can't do this. I can't be alone. I need you with me, always. Always together. Always…"

He kept murmuring nonsense into Levi's chest for several minutes, all sentiments along the line about how he couldn't be alone, but the man was sure that he wasn't aware of what he was saying anymore. Fear was just pushing words out, and soon those words disappeared under the weight of his sobs. He continued to squeeze Levi to him, feeling the rest of the world spinning out of his control, everything he had ever known crumbling away from him, and he was desperate to hold onto the last thing that made him feel safe and stable.

So Eren continued to cry, and Levi allowed a few silent tears to slip down his cheeks and fall into the boy's hair, both of them mourning the loss of the perfect kingdom they had built over the summer, knowing that try as they might, they could do nothing now but watch its foundation crumble and its walls collapse.

000

Eren had held Levi's hand for the entire car ride home, and didn't let go of it even when they got home and walked in through the front door. He only released Levi long enough for the two of them to take off their coats and shoes, and then he was back to clinging to his hand. They met each other's gazes, an unspoken plea in Eren's eyes and deep understanding in Levi's, and perhaps even a small plea as well. He squeezed Eren's hand subtly, and he felt the boy curl his fingers in his palm. Something small and vulnerable in his chest fluttered, and Levi lifted Eren's hand to kiss his knuckles briefly.

"Shall we make dinner?" he said.

Eren nodded, and followed him passively into the kitchen. Levi switched on his radio for the first time since the boy had moved in with him. Christmas music came flowing out of the speakers, and unbidden a clear memory of decorating the tree with his parents filled Eren's mind, causing the smallest of smiles to curl his lips. Upon seeing his smile, Levi leaned over and kissed his temple, before setting to grab the ingredients they would need.

Reluctantly, as they made the lasagna, they had to let go of each other's hands, but Eren never strayed too far from Levi's side, making sure to keep their bodies touching in some manner as they worked. The older man in particular seemed to be working as hard as he could to make Eren smile as much as he could, dabbing sauce on the boy's nose and then licking it off, which in turn did make Eren grin and scrunch up his nose adorably, or mocking Christmas songs he hated in a horribly off-key singing voice while improvising his own inappropriate lyrics, or playfully bumping Eren's hip with his own and then following it up with overly sloppy, loud kisses to his cheek that made Eren giggle and push him off, shaking his head at him fondly. Levi made sure to lock every single smile away in his memory and tried to memorize every detail about them.

When dinner was finally done, the two of them sat at the table, one at each end, just like always. Eren picked up his fork and started to dig in, however after a few bites, his dinner began to taste like dust and his stomach began to clench, as if threatening Eren that if he ate anymore, it would send it right back up his throat. The boy bit his lip, wanting dearly to suck down this wonderful dinner that he himself had requested, but his stomach was too full of nerves for there to be any room for it.

Levi swallowed his bite, and looked up to see that Eren was just staring at his plate, moving food around with his fork. He sighed, and then stood up, taking his plate and chair with him. Eren watched wordlessly as Levi settled down beside him, sitting as close to him as he possibly could until their bodies were touching from shoulder to hip and they were sharing chairs. He turned and nuzzled Eren's temple with his nose, kissed his hair a couple times, and then met the boy's eyes. Eren stared into them briefly, and his heart stuttered at how soft and warm his gaze was, how sad and understanding. He offered Eren one more kiss to his cheek, before he picked up his fork and continued to eat, keeping their bodies pressed together. Eren stared at him for a few more moments, before deciding to follow his example, forcing the food down his throat and savoring every bite.

He forced down his tears at the thought that he didn't know when he'd be able to eat Levi's lasagna again.

When they finished, they cleaned up the kitchen, and once they were finished with that, Levi asked if Eren would like to help him put up the Christmas tree, to which Eren nodded and said he'd like that very much. It turned out Levi had a fake one, his reasoning for that being that it created a lot less mess than a real one. Once it was up, the two of them set to decorating it, Eren humming along to the music playing the background. By the time they finished, the tree was glowing beautifully, and it was growing late. They sat back on the couch for a minute, admiring their work, when Levi suddenly spoke.

"Would you like your Christmas presents now?" he offered quietly, "I know it's early but…I'd really like to see you open them. And I won't be able to after…after…"

He trailed off, glancing down at the couch, feeling his throat go tight. Eren could see the change in him, and he quickly nodded.

"Sure, I'd love to," he said, "I'd offer you yours too, but they're at Petra's. So you'll just have to open them on Christmas."

Levi looked up at him, his eyes so sad that Eren felt himself fighting off tears again, even more so when he whispered, "Without you? I mean, I'd feel horrible opening them without you there to see me do it."

Eren shook his head with a reassuring smile. "Yes, you can. I give you my permission now. Petra will have to tell me what you think of them."

"I love them already." Levi leaned forward and pecked his lips, before he got up and went into his room. He reappeared a few moments later, holding a couple of small bundles, before he sat down on the couch again, and gave them to Eren. The boy didn't hesitate to open the first one, gasping at what was inside. When he looked up at Levi, there were tears lining his waterline, and he couldn't help but run his finger reverently between the ears of the small wooden Corgi ornament that he held.

"Did you make this?" Eren said in a tight, shaky voice.

Levi nodded. "I made both of your presents."

"You didn't have"-

"I enjoyed it. I like making things for people I care about."

Eren wiped at his eyes, and turned the ornament over in his hands, examining it from all angles. He marveled at how much care had gone into making it, from the carefully placed stain to color the Corgi, to the sweet, hand painted face, to the large rounded ears and smooth, sanded body. There was even a small nub carved for the tail, and a hemp cord attached to it back. It had been glazed as well, giving it a shiny finish.

"Do you like it?" Levi asked shyly, and Eren nodded rapidly, leaning forward and kissing him hard.

"Thank you so much," the boy breathed, wiping at his eyes when he pulled back.

"If I could, I would have gotten you a real one," Levi said, "I wish they'd let you have pets at Hutchings. I'd feel better knowing you had a little friend with you to keep you company, and to make you happy or calm you down when you were scared. When you get out though, I promise I'll help you find a puppy."

Eren sniffed, and got up from the couch. He carefully hung his ornament up on the tree, placing it right in front, where everyone would be able to see it, and admiring how it shone amidst all of the pretty white lights. He then turned and sat back down on the couch, declaring, "There. Now you can see it all the time, and you can think of me when you feel lonely. And I'll be right there with my huge ears and fluffy butt making you smile."

Levi snorted, and nodded towards Eren's other present. The opened it, noting that it felt a lot softer than his other one, and when it was revealed, he saw why. It was a small pillow, far too small for him to put his head on, and upon squishing it, it didn't feel that soft. When he looked at Levi questioningly, Levi simply told him to smell it. Eren did so, and his eyes widened when the heady, lovely scent of balsam fir filled his nose.

"It's an incense pillow," Levi explained, "I gathered up some of the balsam fir needles from the trees in my woods and sewed them in there. I figured in light of recent news…you might want to take that with you. It'll help remind you of home."

Eren kneaded the pillow in his hands, holding it to his chest, and suddenly imagined himself hundreds of miles away from here, stuck in the sterile white hospital of his nightmares; endless hallways, strangers with faces he didn't trust, rules he didn't want to follow, dark nights alone, and no Levi to kiss him when he craved reassurance or hold him when his fear took hold. He'd have nothing but this pillow to hold to his nose in that awful place and pray that when the scent of balsam filled his head, he'd forget where he was for a moment and instead be transported back to where he wanted to be. He thought about Levi's face, his home, the warmth of his arms, the pretty field and the mountains he had come to love being nothing more than memories, and the idea frightened him horribly. But that would be his reality tomorrow, and for who knows how long into the future.

"Eren?" he heard suddenly, and felt Levi's hand holding his cheek, "Hey, talk to me."

It was then that Eren noticed his cheeks were wet, and that he was in fact crying. He put the pillow down on the couch, and pulled Levi into an embrace, placing his chin on top of the other man's head and tucking Levi's face against his neck. Levi wrapped his arms around Eren as well, rubbing his back.

"Levi…" he whimpered, "I don't- I _can't_ …I can't do this. I need you."

Levi felt his expression crumpling into one of deep distress, and he nuzzled Eren's throat, breathing against his skin, "I know. I need you too. I'm so sorry this had to happen."

"I want to spend Christmas with you," Eren sobbed, "I want to see your face when you open my presents. I want to keep you warm through the winter, and keep being there for you at night when you got scared. It's not fair, Levi, _it's not fair."_

Levi tightened his hold, but kept silent. He couldn't think of anything that would comfort either of them anyway. Words couldn't stop the inevitable. Words couldn't stop the fact that soon, Levi would be back to spending his nights alone again, by himself in a cold, empty bed, afraid of every noise and shadow. His nightmares would find him again, and they would return with a vengeance. Eren had kept them away for so long, surely they were starving for his fear and would devour him whole the first chance they got. And there would be no Eren to hold him through his panic, no Eren to talk him down and bring him back to the present. His fears and depression would take hold of him again, chew him up and leave his ruined body behind. He would become a creature controlled by terror once more, and would forget what the sunlight felt like on his skin. Because they were taking away his sunshine, his warmth, his Eren, and he was so afraid he couldn't breathe…

"Eren," Levi said urgently, "I want you. I want to forget about everything that's happening for a bit. I'm so scared I can't take it. Please…I want to forget…"

He felt the boy nod above his head, and reply, "Me too."

Silently, Levi pulled out of the embrace and stood up from the couch, offering his hand to Eren, who took it gladly, and led him into his room. In no time at all, their clothes were on the floor, and they were kissing each other more than a little desperately, their bodies taut with nerves and their minds racing with the knowledge that they had less than twelve hours together now. It made Eren clutch at Levi a little harder, pull him a little closer, and kiss him more deeply. It made him pull the other man over the top of him on the bed while he lay back on the pillows, determined to lose himself in his body. As they kissed, Levi kept his eyes slightly open, afraid if he closed them for a moment, the boy might disappear.

Eren's nails were all but digging into the skin of Levi's shoulder blades as he held him to him, and his ankles were crossed and resting on the small of Levi's back, the two of them kissing as if they could swallow each other's breath. Eventually, Levi pulled back, their lips separating with a loud sound.

"Eren," he gasped, "Eren, hold on."

"What's wrong?" the boy panted, his face bright red.

Levi shook his head. "Nothing. I just…I want to try something. Something that might help you."

"What do you mean?"

Levi slowly and carefully lowered his body onto Eren's so that they were chest to chest, the length of their bodies pressed against each other, and Eren wrapping his arms around him comfortably. Levi felt incredibly small and vulnerable whenever Eren held him. The boy may have been over ten years younger, but he was much taller than Levi. However, it inspired a feeling of deep peace and comfort as well, because Eren's arms felt strong around him, solid, and protective. His bed used to be a place of darkness and nightmares, but since Eren had come into his life, it had become one of the safest places in the world to him, especially when the boy held him like this. A soft heat built between them, one of tenderness instead of passion, when Levi stopped and took in the different sensations of the moment; the fact that he could feel their hipbones slotting against each other, the feeling of Eren's stomach pushing gently against his own as it rose and fell with his breath, and the feeling of his heart beating against Levi's own. They fit together so wonderfully, so perfectly, two halves meeting and finally realizing that they made one, beautiful picture together.

"I've found," Levi continued, "That when I'm nervous, sometimes repeating a mantra in my head will help to calm me down. A mantra made up of words that have a special meaning to me, words that make me feel calm when I repeat them over and over. Or words that remind me of happier things that might help break through the panic I'm feeling."

"What kinds of words?" Eren asked.

"Well, words like, 'calm,' 'soft,' 'warm,' 'freedom,' 'sunshine,' and others. I've started saying your name too in my head when I feel nervous. I think that helps most of all."

"Oh." The boy looked away bashfully, his cheeks flushing a soft pink. "Well, I'm glad I could help."

Levi huffed out a laugh through his nose, and reached up, brushing some of Eren's hair away from his face. He then started caressing his cheek, and said, "The reason I told you about that now is because I want you to think of a mantra, and then later on when you become nervous, you can remember the words you thought of tonight, and associate them with us making love. You're much more likely to remember them, and they're much more likely to work if you can attach them to something positive. Okay?"

Eren mulled over his words for a moment, before he nodded slowly. "Okay. Yeah, I can try that."

"Good," Levi remarked approvingly, gave him another soft, tender smile, and leaned forward, kissing his forehead lightly. He then murmured against his skin, "Now I want you to relax. Think about this moment right now, and nothing beyond that."

Eren took a deep breath and let it out slowly, and Levi could feel his belly rising and falling underneath him as he did so. He rewarded Eren with another kiss on his forehead for his attempt at relaxing, and then moved down to his lips, kissing him deeply and slowly. They savored each other's taste, spending several minutes just kissing each other languidly, Levi not moving from his place on top of Eren. The two of them caressed each other, absorbing the warmth of each other's skin, and Levi found himself burying his nose in Eren's neck, pulling in deep draughts of the boy's scent and committing it to memory. It was heady and musky, masculine and yet soft, protective and comforting. It was warm and golden, as if Eren permanently smelled like that evening they spent together in the field soon after they first told each other about their feelings. He smelled like the air at sunset, like the grass and leaves as they tried hard to absorb those final few rays. It was something Levi knew he soon wouldn't forget, and it was something he promised Eren, whispering it into his skin as he kissed his neck.

"I won't forget anything about you," he murmured, "You're impossible to forget. You mean so much to me, Eren. There will never be anyone else for me but you."

Eren leaned his head back subtly, lips parted, absorbing Levi's words and his kisses, taking them into his very being and locking them away in his heart. He stroked Levi's back, hoping to encourage more kisses and more words. More of everything. He wanted Levi to swallow him whole and drown him in who he was. He wanted to completely forget everything but the fact that Levi existed, and that he loved Eren with all of his heart.

 _Love,_ Eren thought, _There's a word for my mantra. Love…and what else…?_

Levi eventually moved up his face, caressing his most prominent features with his lips. His kissed his fore head, his closed eyelids, his nose, and his cheeks and of course his lips. He moved down to the rest of his body, keeping his eyes closed for the most part and just feeling the boy's body with his hands and lips, kissing him every once in a while, trying hard to memorize what his body felt like. He wanted to remember every dip and curve, wanted to remember how warm and alive he felt, how solid and real he was in this moment. He paid attention to the breathy sighs and quiet gasps Eren released, and how the boy's lips felt against his own neck when he flipped them over at one point and began nibbling at it.

Eren breathed Levi in, working as hard as the other man had to commit everything about him to memory. He smelled like coconuts, as always, clean and yet deep and potent. When Eren smelled that scent, it meant safety and comfort.

_Safe. He makes me feel safe. Safe, love…warm. Happiness. Freedom, life, sunshine, safe, safe. Comfort. Levi. Levi…_

Levi flipped them over again, sucking marks into his skin, while Eren reached up and returned the favor a moment later. In a way, being found out had been somewhat liberating; they no longer had to hide their relationship, and they could mark each other as much as they liked. They could show the world that they belonged to each other.

_Hugs, whispers, fresh air, fields, mountains, Levi, love…happiness, comfort, warmth, need, kisses, Levi, Levi!_

Soon Eren switched to saying the man's name out loud, whispering it into his hair when he sucked at the skin on his chest, moaning it when he prepped and entered him, groaning it loudly when he bounced on his lap in a rough and needy up and down motion. It was an expression of passion, but also a subtle cry for help. He needed Levi, more than he ever had, needed him to erase his memories of fear and replace them with pleasure in every pore he possessed. And Levi answered his pleas, caressing the boy's thighs lovingly and rolling his hips into Eren's, meeting every downward thrust with an upward one of his own. When they came, Eren forgot everything for one blissful moment.

However, he decided he wanted to forget for even longer, and flipped their positions so that this time it was Levi being pounded into the mattress, Levi clinging to his shoulders while Eren grunted heavily above him, and Levi who murmured over and over again how much he loved him. It was Levi who spread his legs wide, and Levi who begged Eren to fuck him until he couldn't remember his own name anymore. So the boy did, repeating his mantra in his head over and over again almost like a prayer, a prayer that wished he didn't ever have to think again, at least not about anything beyond this moment.

_Levi, love, Levi, safe, safe, safe, kisses, skin on skin, I love you, perfect. Protect, hold, warm, sweet, soft._

Again, they came, and again, once they regained their strength, they were at it again, consummating their desire over and over again throughout the night until they were each crying from the pain, the pain of being so physically spent and so emotionally drained. They only stopped when their bodies could take no more, and then curled up in a heap of weak but desperate limbs wrapped around each other. They passed out in a matter of minutes, Levi's head lying on top of Eren's, both of them snoring softly, both of them warm and content for a few precious moments.

However, even in sleep, the dread didn't vanish. Sleep could only keep the inevitable away for so long. And both of them knew this would be the last time for a very long time they would be able to find solace in each other's presence, and that after this night, their safe place would be ripped indefinitely away from them, and the would be forced into the dark, naked and cold, to face their demons on their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "the last night."


	24. Gebrochen

It wasn't long before Levi's nerves flung him back into consciousness. Everything inside of him was panicking, and he didn't even know what about, until he found himself being soothed by Eren's scent still in his nose. Oh, that was it. He was afraid that Eren had been somehow taken while he slept. Yes, he had fallen into a shallow dream where the transporters had taken him away, and he had been rooted to the spot, unable to help him despite his screams and cries for Levi to save him.

His heart hammered uncomfortably for a few moments, and Levi forced himself to take deep breaths, repeating his mantra over and over again in his head.

_Safe, we're safe. Eren's safe, he's here, I still have him, he's not going anywhere right now. He's right here, he's right here._

It took a few minutes but eventually his breathing slowed, and he managed to lift his head and glance over his shoulder at the clock on his nightstand. He was disheartened to see that only an hour had passed since they had gone to sleep, and from how jumpy his insides were at the moment, mixed with his hazy dream images, he had a feeling he wouldn't be getting any more sleep for the rest of the night.

He sighed heavily, wanting to start shifting around, but at the same time hearing how light and shallow Eren's breathing was; he was only just barely asleep, and Levi was afraid if he moved, he would wake the boy up. He couldn't risk it, so he kept perfectly still, instead focusing his nervous energy into wrapping himself around Eren more securely, keeping his head under Levi's, tangling their legs together, and pulling him closer to his body, squeezing him tighter around his waist. He concentrated on transforming all of that nervous energy squirming around inside of him into something more protective, hoping uselessly if he did that, perhaps it would keep everyone that wanted to harm Eren away. If he held onto him tight enough, Eren would stay safe. He would stay here, and Levi could keep protecting him. If he concentrated hard enough, maybe he could slow down time and make it so this night would last forever, so that they never had to wake up, and he and Eren could stay like this until the end of time.

Levi did try and go back to sleep, he really did, but every time he felt himself drifting off, he would see Eren's terrified face from his dream creep back into his mind, and he would snap awake again, and hold him a little tighter. He nuzzled his nose into Eren's neck, soothing him back to sleep when the boy would whimper, no doubt being disturbed by his own unnerving dreams. Levi would shush him and kiss him, telling him not to worry, he was safe. He'd always be safe as long as he was here.

Finally, a little while before dawn, Levi felt himself dozing with his nose still buried in Eren's neck, and perhaps his mind finally took pity on him, because it managed to produce something sweet to comfort him with. He saw the two of them in the woods of his childhood, the sun casting its final rays through the trees. They were both naked, Eren lying upon a bed of moss and pine needles, grinning up at him happily, a few flower petals Levi had been dropping on him playfully resting in his hair. He was reaching his arms up in an invitation to be embraced, and Levi took it, leaning down and pulling him close. He felt Eren nuzzle him happily, and Levi sighed, the scent of balsam and the perfume of flowers keeping them both close and safe from anything that might want to harm them.

"Always together," Eren murmured in his ear, "Always together, always free. Right, Finvarra?"

Levi nodded, and gazed down at him, drinking in the sight and answered, "Yes, we're free. The laws of mortal men will never apply to us."

Eren laughed, a sweet, carefree sound that made Levi's blood sing, and the boy wondered, "Are we going to run away? Beyond the mountains? We can be free forever there. We can build our kingdom."

"I'll build its walls up high," Levi agreed, "so high that no one will ever be able to take you away from me. We'll be together until the sun sets for the last time on the horizon. We'll watch it sink, and then crawl into our bed, and sleep wrapped up in each other for eternity."

"I want that," Eren agreed, "I want to be one of the stars. They won't find us there."

"They won't find us," Levi echoed.

"And we can watch the world from the sky forever, right?"

"Yes we can, brat."

Eren hugged him tighter, pulled him right against his own chest, and Levi tucked his head under the boy's chin, feeling their heartbeats synchronizing into one, sweet, joyous rhythm.

Levi drifted awake slowly, his chest still feeling light with the knowledge that he and Eren wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore, that the rules of the world didn't apply to either of them. They were free now, free to fly away over the mountains and love each other to their hearts' content. No one was going to separate them, for how could they, with them both hiding in the sky with the rest of the stars?

And then his mind began to clear, sounds of the early morning filtering in. He could hear snow pattering against the window, and realized fuzzily that it was the first snow of the winter. He sat up, and glanced over at his shoulder again, seeing with a slight shock that it was now almost six in the morning. They only had two hours left together, for this was the real world. In the real world, there was nothing he could do to keep Eren with him. They couldn't build their kingdom again, for its ashes had been blown away by the wind, and they were pitifully mortal, though Levi had convinced himself as a child that he was the mighty fairy king. Dreams couldn't save them, and neither could wishes. He learned that long ago the hard way.

And yet, he couldn't help himself. Just like he used to wish for a hero to come and save him from that awful bunker, he found himself wishing for another miracle, something that would make it so that Eren could stay. Maybe the transporters would get into an accident on the way here, maybe Hutchings would spontaneously vanish off the face of the Earth. He hoped and wished with every fiber he possessed, wished and wished and wished, but time didn't slow down for them. A miracle never came, and Levi's alarm went off, a final, funeral bell to the happy, secure bubble they had been living in for almost the past year. He quickly shut it off, and felt Eren stirring beside him, the boy whining unhappily, snuggling tighter against Levi and pressing his nose further into the crook of his neck. Levi sighed, thinking perhaps he was just being petulant and lazy because of the early hour.

"Eren," he croaked, "Come on, kid. We need to"-

"No," the younger man said firmly. There was a definite tremor of fearing shaking beneath that single word, and Levi knew. He let soft, murmuring understanding color his tone, and he leaned down and kissed the boy's hair so tenderly that it made Eren's heart flutter.

"I know," Levi said, voice rumbling in his chest, "I know. But it's going to be okay."

"No it's not," Eren insisted hopelessly, "Please don't make me get up. Please don't make me leave. Please don't…"

Levi blinked, hearing the desperation in his tone, hearing how tears were trying to leak into his voice, and he realized for the first time since he and Eren had been thrown together that he had no comforts to offer the boy. What could he possibly say?

"Please let me stay here, where I'm safe," Eren begged, voice muffled by Levi's shoulder, "Where I'm with you. I want to stay in our safe place. I never want to leave. I…I want to run away. Levi, let's run away from here, and go somewhere they'll never find us. Please."

The older man's breath caught in his throat as he heard the same words and ideas from his dream reflected in reality, and they sounded even more tempting now. It would be so easy, he realized, to pack their things, hop in the car and drive far, far beyond the mountains, far beyond where anyone knew them. They could hide until this blew over, and they'd never have to be parted from each other. Levi could keep being Eren's safe place, and he would never have to go through another cold, lonely night again. His sun could keep shining on him, and he'd never know another darkness.

Levi steadied himself, and shook his head, even though the boy didn't see it. He leaned down, and kissed his summer sun on the ear, nuzzling him gently, feeling the boy's clammy cheek against his nose. He then said, almost apologetically, "I love you."

And hearing those precious words made Eren burst into tears, tears of resignation and anguish, knowing once and for all that there was no escape. Levi loved him with all of his heart, but this was the one thing he couldn't protect him from. It didn't stop him from snuggling against him like he could though, hiding his face from the world, unwilling to face it just yet, and craving the false sense of security that Levi could offer him. And of course, the older man didn't turn him away, holding him through his tears.

"I'm sorry," he kept murmuring, "I love you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, and I love you so much. I love you, Eren. Shh, shh…"

The boy believed him wholeheartedly, and despite everything, clung to the security those words offered him like they were a lifeline. And they were in a sense, for they were all that were keeping his sanity tied to the Earth.

000

Levi knew that Eren had no appetite that morning. Not because he had asked, but because Levi had no appetite himself, and because it was in every one of the boy's movements. He was moving slowly, sluggishly, keeping his eyes on the ground, his eyes themselves glazed over and barely seeing what was in front of him. It was such a stark contrast from how he was this summer, his eyes always sparkling, always bouncing around like an eager puppy, excitedly asking Levi what they were going to do that day. Today, it took Eren at least twenty minutes to get dressed, and when he trudged into the kitchen, he practically crumpled in his chair. Levi even caught a glimpse of him running his hand over the table despondently, and fingering the pendant Levi had made for him, looking around and drinking every little thing in.

Like he was never going to see it again.

Levi sighed, and put the finishing touches on their breakfast, sprinkling powdered sugar over it, before setting it on two plates. He knew neither of them had any appetite, so he had to work extra hard this morning to tempt Eren into eating something. He made the boy's favorite, putting a little extra sugar on top of the strawberry sweet tart, before setting it in front of him. Eren just stared at it and chewed on his bottom lip.

"I'm not hungry," he mumbled, pushing the plate away, "I feel like I'm going to puke."

The older man set his own plate down beside Eren's, and sat in the chair next to his. "I know," he said, "But I get the feeling that you're not going to want to eat anything for the rest of the day either. And I'll feel better knowing you put at least one thing in your stomach today. So please Eren? For me?"

He placed his hand over the boy's and gave it a slight squeeze, fixing him with a gentle yet pleading stare. Finally, Eren sighed and picked up the tart, taking a small bite out of it. The rich flavor hit his tongue, triggering memories of happier times in this house; eating one of these for the first time a couple of weeks after he first arrived at Levi's house to tempt his budding appetite. Having one for his birthday dinner. Making one for Levi and covering the counter in powdered sugar because he didn't realize how fast it would come out of the shaker. He savored every bite like it was the last meal he would ever have, and drank in the older man's silent companionship.

Once they finished eating, the two of them began the solemn task of packing Eren's bags. Almost everything the boy owned, minus the few things he wouldn't be able to take with him to the facility, we placed in suitcases, and once the room was emptied, Eren could only bear to stay in there for a few minutes before he left, unable to handle the sight of the empty room. Levi followed him as he made his way into the living room, rubbing his back and looking at the clock under the t.v.

"Well, we have twenty minutes before they get here," he said, "What do you want to do until then?"

Eren wiped at his eyes. "I just want to be with you. Can we just…sit on the couch for a bit? Can we get under the blankets and I can pretend this isn't happening? Please?"

Levi nodded, said, "Okay," and guided him over to the couch, sitting down, before Eren joined him. The boy wasted no time in pressing himself against Levi, curling up and wrapping his arms around him. He laid his head on his chest, pressing his ear against his heart and tucking his head under his chin, and sighing when he felt him set his chin on his head, and cover them both with a throw from the back of the couch. He snuggled in a little further when the older man squeezed him around his shoulders, and then began to rub them. Eren went completely quiet, simply absorbing the peace of the moment and letting Levi's firm, steady heartbeat soothe his nerves. For a moment, he forced himself to forget about everything, and instead pretend that nothing was amiss; it was just another morning of them cuddling on the couch after breakfast. He was just keeping Levi warm because he had been complaining about how he couldn't feel his fingertips again. Everything was right in the world. Everything-

Suddenly, they heard the sound of knocking at the door, causing both of them to jump. Eren cast a fearful look to Levi, who matched his nervous gaze. No, they couldn't be here, not yet. They still had ten minutes. Levi still had ten minutes to keep Eren in his arms, and Eren still had ten minutes to listen to every beat of Levi's heart. He wasn't ready, he wasn't ready, he wasn't…

Swallowing hard, Levi gave Eren's shoulders another firm squeeze, kissed his forehead, and extricated himself from the boy's body, despite Eren's protests.

"No," he whispered, shaking his head desperately, "Let them wait outside. We still have ten minutes, please don't go."

"I'm coming right back," Levi assured him, "Right back. You just stay there. Cover up and stay warm for when I open the door, okay?"

Eren shuddered, but let him up, swallowing down his tears and tugging the blanket around his vulnerable self. He held it up to his nose where it had been touching Levi, taking in the man's scent while he watched him go to the door. His nausea tried to spike, but the knowledge that Levi was there to protect him kept it down.

Levi took a deep breath, before turning the knob and letting the door swing open to reveal Petra standing on his doorstep. When he realized it was her, his breath left him in a rush, and his knees felt weak with relief.

"Oh thank God," he said, "It's just you."

"I'm so sorry," she apologized, "I should have called or something to let you know I was coming, I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to check on you guys and, you know, see Eren before he left. Is that okay?"

Levi stepped aside. "That's fine, you're okay. And yeah, sure, of course. Come on in, he's on the couch."

Petra walked into the entryway as Levi looked towards Eren and told him, "It's alright, it's just Petra."

Quickly, she removed her coat and shoes, and walked over the couch, sitting down on it beside the boy who was still huddled up under the throw, her brows drawn upward with concern. She brushed his hair back from his face as she said, "Hey, sweetie. How are you holding up?"

Eren didn't have the energy to lie to her, and so just shook his head, curling more into himself and pressing himself back against Levi when the other man sat down on his other side again. She clucked sympathetically and stroked his cheek with her thumb.

"Oh baby, it's going to turn out alright in the end, you'll see," Petra assured him, "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it will."

Levi wrapped a supporting arm around him, and feeling their combined warmth lessened Eren's anxiety just the tiniest bit. Letting out a shuddering breath, he asked, "You'll visit me, won't you? Maybe this weekend?"

Petra hesitated, before saying, "Probably not this weekend. That's also what I came over to tell you guys. Erwin just gave me a new case. I'm going to meet her in a couple of days, so I won't have as much free time."

Eren sucked in a breath, trying as hard as he could not to look disappointed. But he obviously failed, because he felt Petra taking one of his free hands and holding it between her own as she tried to look him in the eye. He kept his gaze on his lap as she said hastily, "But I promise I'll find the time to come and see you as soon as I can. I won't leave you stranded there. And I'll definitely have time to call you on the hospital line, I think they allow calls at least once a week, so keep a listen out for calls from me."

He offered her a shaky smile in response, figuring it was better than nothing. He also let himself fall into her embrace when she pulled him to her chest, and even hugged her back, saying, "Thank you, Petra. I appreciate it."

"No problem, honey. Whatever you need, you know Levi and I will always be here for you."

Eren nodded against her hair, before a second knocking at the door caused him to freeze up. There was no question this time about who it was, and he let out a quiet whimper, letting go of Petra in favor of hiding his face in Levi's shoulder again. The other man pulled him back into his arms and snuggled him close. He met Petra's eyes, and without even having to ask, she got up from the couch, heading over to the door, hearing Levi shushing the frightened cries that were escaping Eren as she did so.

Neither Eren nor Levi looked up when they heard Petra greeting the transporters at the door. When Eren heard the unfamiliar, male voices, old instincts arose, sending adrenaline flooding through his body and demanding that he run away right then, run away and hide himself somewhere they'd never find him. But new instincts battled with them, telling him he couldn't leave Levi to face them alone. He had to stay and protect him, and his instincts also told him that Levi would protect him in turn. However, it didn't stop him from sniveling like a child and pressing his face even deeper into Levi's shoulder, or Levi from holding him extra tightly and murmuring soothing words into his ear.

"So you must be Eren," Levi heard one of the transporters say, "We've heard a lot about you, been informed about your situation and all that."

When he finally bothered to look up, he was surprised to see, not the two transporters that were standing in his living room, both of them very burly individuals, but that the third person that had come through the door was Erwin. He was hanging back slightly, and he noticed that Petra was giving him the same confused look he was sure was present on his own face. However, for the time being, he decided to hold his questions; keeping Eren calm was his top priority.

"We understand you're scared," one of the transporters said, "Many of the people we transport are, so we know what you're going through. But I promise we're here to try and make this as painless as possible, okay? We'll take things one step at a time. How about we just start with you looking at us?"

Eren shook his head, still keeping his face buried in the secure darkness of Levi's shoulder. The older man sighed, stroking his hair with his thumb, and said, "You can do that, Eren. I know you can. It's alright."

Sniffling, and figuring he could try and do at least that much, for Levi, Eren lifted his head, wiping at his eyes and glancing between the two men in the room. When nothing horrible happened and they offered him words of encouragement and praise, Eren felt himself calming down just slightly

"Okay, now how about we move onto standing up from the couch?" one of them suggested.

Eren hesitated on that one, reluctant to leave his blanketed sanctuary. Besides, standing up was a precursor to walking, and that was a precursor to leaving. He curled up a little more, glancing down at the floor and tightening his grip on the blanket, before Levi whispered more words of encouragement to him, and Eren sighed, his breath shuddering out of him. Eventually, the two of them stood up together, the blanket pushed aside and their bodies remaining in contact with each other.

"Very good, Eren," one of the transporters told him, "And don't worry, you'll be the last thing we put in the car, we'll load up your bags and everything first."

Eren could only offer a solemn nod in response, nervously clutching Levi's hand with one hand and fiddling with his pendant with the other. Both were sources of strength for him, sources he was trying very hard to draw upon to keep himself sane. However, one of the men noticed his movements, and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. No jewelry allowed at the facility. You're going to have to leave that here."

The boy drew in a sharp breath, the thin wall holding back his terror cracking rapidly. They couldn't, they couldn't do this to him. This was one of the few pieces of Levi he had been planning on taking with him, something he could look at be reminded of the older man and how much he loved him, how he was waiting at home for him wanting him to keep fighting. They were already taking Levi away from him, they couldn't take away this too. Eren began to shake his head in denial, gripping the pendant tighter, his legs shaking and his heart pounding like mad. Fear crawled up his throat, heady, potent and vicious, making him nauseous and throttling every one of his organs in its vice grip. His breathing became high pitched and desperate, but the thing that really seemed to set him off was the sound of his bags being dragged across the wooden floor. That sound meant he had to leave, and he couldn't, he wasn't ready, wasn't ready to leave the only safe place he remembered having in years. He wasn't…he couldn't…

He couldn't do this.

Eren let out a cry of humiliation and horror as his bladder chose right then and there to give out from the stress, and tears started rolling down his cheeks in earnest. Levi looked to him in confusion, and then shocked understanding when he saw the dark spot forming on the crotch of Eren's jeans, growing until began to travel down his thighs. Acting quickly, Levi placed his hands under Eren's knees and behind his back, before scooping him up and whisking him out of the living room. He felt Eren loop his arms around his neck automatically, and soon enough he was gently placing the boy on the floor of the bathroom, before he shut the door behind them and kneeled on the floor in front of him.

At this point, Eren was an embarrassed, hysterical mess, his face a mess of snot and tears and his shoulders shuddering horribly as cries wrenched themselves from him. His breaths sounded painful in his lungs, strained and wheezing, as if he were encroaching upon the threshold of a panic attack. Quickly, Levi placed his hands on Eren's shoulders, trying to get his attention.

"Hey, Eren, shh now, it's okay, look at me," he said.

"But I-I- in front of all those people," Eren stuttered, "I didn't mean to- I'm s-sorry, I didn't mean"-

"Don't apologize," Levi shook his head, "Don't think about that now. Just look at me and breathe. I'm here and I've got you. It's okay, we'll get you cleaned up, and it'll all be okay. Alright?"

Eren couldn't bring himself to agree, not when everything was the opposite of okay, but he didn't want to disagree either and make Levi sadder, so he didn't respond at all verbally. Instead, he shakily began to unbutton his pants and shimmy them down his hips, along with his underwear right there on the floor, his legs too shaky for him to attempt standing. He gratefully accepted Levi's help when the other man began to pull his pants down while Eren simply lifted his hips. Once they were off, Levi turned on the shower and pulled down the bar of soap, letting Eren know once it was warm, and helping the boy to stand and then sit on the rim of the tub. He removed the shower head from its stand and handed it to Eren, before sitting himself on the toilet beside and allowing him to clean himself up, ready to assist him if need be.

A knock on the door startled them both, and they both froze, but relaxed a moment later when they heard Petra's voice.

"It's just me," she said, "I uh, I have some clean clothes for Eren."

Levi stood up and met her at the door, only opening it wide enough to accept the clothes from her and blocking her view of the inside. He looked up at her, and seeing how sincere she appeared, he murmured genuinely, "Thank you. For this and…for everything you've done today."

She gave him a soft smile. "It's no problem. And take as long as you need to get him calmed down. They can wait."

Levi nodded, and then shut the door quietly, before turning back to Eren with clothes in hand. Once he was clean, he helped Eren put them on, and as soon as that last button was done up on his fresh pair of pants, the tears and the panicking breaths were back, only momentarily subdued by the warm water and familiar act of washing himself. Now that the warm water was gone and he was dressed again, that meant that he had to go back out there and face those people again, and that they were going to take him away. Eren could feel his chest tightening, a vice squeezing his it and making drawing in a full breath difficult. The bathroom began to blur around him and adrenaline filled his body as a panic attack began to settle in full force.

"I can't"- Eren wheezed, "can't go back out there. Levi…Levi help me!"

Levi nodded in understanding, the boy's high pitched, rapid breathing making his own chest feel sympathetically tighter, and he picked up Eren again, taking him into the man's room. Levi hastily placed him down on the floor, before flipping the blankets back. He ran over and closed the door again, before racing back to Eren and not wasting any time in pulling him onto the bed until he was sitting upright in the middle of it. He quickly wrapped the quilt and sheets around Eren's shoulders, shrouding him in several layers of protective warmth. He then hopped up beside him, and pulled him against him, trying to join Eren under the blankets as best he could. Eren didn't hesitate to hide his face against Levi again, hugging him as tightly as he could and trying desperately to pull himself out of his panic by breathing in his lover's scent and feeling the warmth of their bodies.

After a few moments though, Eren was still breathing far too quickly, and his body was still far too tense as he continued to think about what waited for him just on the other side of the door. So, pulling him a little tighter to himself, Levi repositioned Eren's face so that it was tucked against his throat, and did something he hadn't done for a long time.

He sang.

"Deep in the meadow,

a wise old willow,

father of all the sweet peas

said this to me:

"Sleep beneath my roots,

take off your boots,

lay down your head

on a soft, mossy bed.

"Fairies, sing sweet,

sing of summer, sing of fleece,

sing of stars,

sing long, travel far.

"Follow the fox, follow the cricket,

dream your way through lush, green thickets.

Dream deep, dream long,

dream your way home again

with this song."

Throughout the song, he felt Eren relax little by little, apparently recognizing the familiar melody as one of the first songs Levi had ever used to calm him down. He felt his breathing grow easier, and the potential danger passed. However, he was still very tense, still hiding himself desperately against Levi, and his tears were still hot against the other man's throat. He was still at a loss at what to say to comfort Eren, since he didn't really feel as if there was anything he _could_ say. So, he took a deep breath, and let himself melt into another song.

"Lay down your head and I'll sing you a lullaby

Back to the years of loo li lai lay.

And I'll sing you to sleep and I'll sing you tomorrow

Bless you with love for the road that you go."

He pitched his voice low and full in his chest, and for the first time to Eren, it sounded terribly haunting. Perhaps because it sounded so sad to him for the first time instead of comforting or happy. He nuzzled his nose against his throat a little more, feeling the vibrations from Levi's throat in his nose and lips, and letting his voice wash over him once again.

"May you sail fair to the far fields of fortune

With diamonds and pearls at your head and your feet.

And may you need never to banish misfortune

May you find kindness in all that you meet.

"May there always be angels to watch over you

To guide you each step of the way

To guard you and keep you safe from all harm

Loo li loo, li lai lay."

Eren felt tears prick in his eyes even more so, but not for himself this time. For the fact that Levi sounded so desperately sad, but he was clearly trying so hard to cover it up in his voice, trying to disguise how he felt in a slow song where he was wishing Eren well on his travels, and wishing him safety and love. Eren squeezed him a little more, cuddling closer, and feeling Levi's voice finally wash away reality for him. In that way, Levi really was like the fairy folk he and his mother loved so; being able to pull Eren away from his fears with nothing but his voice was nothing short of magic.

"May you bring love and may you bring happiness

Be loved in return to the end of your days.

Now fall off to sleep, I'm not meaning to keep you

I'll just sit for a while and sing loo li lai lay.

"May there always be angels to watch over you

To guide you each step of the way.

To guard you and keep you safe from all harm

Loo li loo, li lai lay.

Loo li loo, li lai lay."

The last notes drifted away, ringing in the still air, and Eren noticed that he was finally calm at last, his breathing slowed and even a little sleepy. The adrenaline was fizzling out of his system, leaving him terribly exhausted. In his mind, the terrifying morning had gradually turned once again into any other day. He and Levi were just keeping each other warm, about to settle down for a nap to the sound of the snow and wind blowing outside of their window. Once it slowed down, they would go outside and feed the deer. Levi promised him not too long ago they would do that again this winter. It was going to be fun, even better than last year, because Eren was a different person now. He was braver, more confident and more independent. And it was then that Eren realized he had neglected to thank the person responsible for that wondrous transformation in him.

"Thank you," he murmured, laying his head on Levi's shoulder, "For everything you're done for me."

Levi opened his mouth to reply, to tell him that there was no need for that, but he realized quickly that it would be pointless, and that this was something Eren needed to tell him. So he just accepted it, and silently kissed Eren's jaw.

"Same goes to you," Levi said.

They were quiet for a few minutes, simply basking in each other's comforting warmth and scent. The only movement came from Levi, who took to rhythmically rubbing Eren's back and playing with his hair, something he knew the boy enjoyed. Eren even let his eyes drift shut, fully prepared to nap right then and there. Everything inside of him was at peace at last, and he was so very sleepy. Levi was warm, so warm, and he smelled so good…

There was a knock at the door to the bedroom that made them both start, and it surprised them even further when they Erwin's voice come from the other side.

"Levi, I'm sorry, but I need you both out here in two minutes," he said, "The transporters are running late. If you don't come out, we're going to have to come in after you."

"Alright," Levi said shortly, "We're coming."

They heard Erwin's footsteps fade down the hallway, and when they did, Levi looked down to see that Eren had grown tense once more, and that his eyes were huge with renewed trepidation. He was looking up at Levi desperately, and the man felt claws tear into his heart when the boy uttered, "I'm scared."

And in that moment, he sounded so small and vulnerable, and so much like the child he had first taken into his home nearly a year ago, that it broke Levi's heart, and compelled him to pull Eren into the tightest, warmest embrace he could manage. He even adjusted the blanket so that it was lying more securely around his shoulders, and admitted, "Me too."

Eren remained silent, and the only movement that came from him was a slight nervous shiver in his frame, so Levi continued, "I am, kid. I'm so damn scared that I want to puke. I don't want you to go. If I had my way I'd shove them all out of the house, bolt all the doors shut and hide with you under the blankets until everything felt safe again. If I had my way, it would stay just the two of us forever. I've already said how sorry I am, but…God…"

He bowed his head, gripping the back of Eren's hair. "Listen to me," he continued, "This will pass. And you'll get through it because you're brave, strong and stubborn as hell. Because you're my Eren, and I know you can do this."

Eren whimpered, "M'not brave."

"You are," Levi insisted, "You survived with Nile for a decade, never knowing if each day would be your last. If you can survive that, Hutchings will be nothing."

The boy offered no reply, still doubting his words.

Levi pulled back and forced Eren to look him in the eye, cupping the sides of his face and saying, "Just never forget that when all of this is over, you'll have a home to come back to. You'll always have a home here. And above all, never forget how much you're loved. No matter what happens, no matter how awful things seem, just remember that I'll always be here loving you as much as you love me."

And he sealed his words with a firm kiss against Eren's lips, to which the boy responded with a soft cry. Levi then deepened the kiss, suddenly frantic, not knowing when the next time he'd be able to kiss him would be. All too soon, they had to break it, and Levi felt tears welling in his eyes again. The feeling only increased when he watched Eren sadly remove his pendant, slipping it over his head, before holding it up between them.

"Here," he said, "Since I can't take it with me, I want you to hold onto it for me until I get back."

Levi regarded the necklace with awe, before nodding solemnly and taking it from him. "I promise I'll take good care of it."

Eren smiled, "I know," and watched with relieved satisfaction as the other man slipped it over his own neck, making sure the pendant was sitting proudly on his breast.

A minute later, Levi sighed and told him it was time for them to head out, before he reluctantly pulled the blankets off of the both of them, and helped Eren to stand. He then took Eren by the hand and led him to the door. However, before he opened it, the boy asked in a small voice, "You won't let go, right? You'll stay with me?"

Levi leaned up and pressed their foreheads together briefly, saying, "Until the very end."

Eren leaned into his touch, sniffling and nuzzling him with sad affection, bracing himself for what was to come.

And then Levi was pulling away, and opening the door.

They made their way down the hallway slowly, hand in hand, and remaining that way even when they entered the living room. Levi sized everyone up that was present, daring them to make a comment. However, no one said anything. Levi still kept his guard up. Eren had curled in on himself slightly, wilting at the sight of the transporters and trying to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible, as if they might not see him. It was a purely instinctual move, one that brought out Levi's protective desires. He kept himself subtly between Eren and the other people.

"We should probably go now that you're here," one transporter said, "We're already over half an hour behind on schedule."

Levi wanted to tell them that he could give less of a shit how far behind they were, but kept his mouth shut, trying to remain calm for Eren's sake. He could already feel the boy beginning to tremble again in the presence of these intimidating people. The trembling only increased when they spoke again.

"Your things are already in the car," one explained, "So we're ready when you are."

Eren's breath hitched, and realized that this was it. He looked fearfully between Petra and Erwin's faces, as if begging for any last minute help, searching for anything in their expressions that might mean they knew of a way to make it so that he didn't have to walk out that door. But Petra was just looking at him with helpless pity and Erwin wasn't looking at him at all, so he knew he'd find no help there. Lastly, he looked to Levi, once more searching for protection and guidance, and Levi offered both, his eyes soft and gentle. He squeezed Eren's hand, a silent reassurance that he was still right there with him. His earlier words came back to him. _Be brave._ He could do that. He could do that for Levi.

And that was what spurred him to take those first few steps.

He slowly but surely was getting closer and closer to the door, but further and further away from his safe haven. Levi was right here with him, and already he was beginning to feel so very far away. Soon, he'd be eight hours away, no longer down the hall for Eren to crawl in bed with and cuddle with if he woke up with a debilitating bad dream, no longer a soothing presence in the kitchen as they'd sing and dance while making dinner. Eren was going someplace he couldn't follow, and suddenly as he reached the threshold, terror gripped him so harsh and rapidly that he didn't have time to try and soothe himself. He simply gave over to the panic, staring at the door, unable to find the will to reach out and open it.

"Eren," Levi whispered, "Go ahead. You can do this. Remember what I said? You're brave. You're so brave. You can do this."

No, he couldn't, Eren realized. He couldn't be brave, he couldn't do what Levi was telling him. He couldn't be brave without him, because Levi was his courage. Without him, Eren couldn't hope to be brave. Without him…

Eren shook his head, his thoughts quickly disintegrating into dizzying circles as he gasped, "I can't. I can't do it. I can't be brave Levi, I can't, I _can't."_

"Shh, shh," Levi tried to comfort him, rubbing circles onto his hand, "Breathe. You _can."_

" _I can't!"_ Eren insisted, "Not without you! I can't be without you, I can't! Please Levi, don't make me leave. Don't let them take me. God, I'll die in that place without you. _I need you_. We need to be together. Always together, always, _always…._ "

The older man felt tears welling harshly in his eyes, and he didn't have time to stop them or even try to hide them before they were rolling down his cheeks. The all-consuming panic combined with his tearful voice, practically begging Levi to protect him and to not let him go, pulled at the man's heart strings with violent force, and he simply didn't have the strength anymore to deny Eren what he wanted. He didn't want to leave, and he wanted Levi's comfort, needed it, more than he ever had before.

And Levi above all else, didn't _want_ him to leave. He wanted Eren to stay so badly that it was a physical ache in his bones. He didn't want a cold lonely bed, and he definitely didn't want to be alone during a panic attack, and yet, that's what he would be if he let Eren walk out that door. So he gave into his heart, and let it lead him to wrap his arms around the boy in an embrace, to share wholeheartedly in his tears, and to allow himself to fall to the ground in the entryway when Eren collapsed. He snuggled the boy tight when he felt Eren's back heave on a sob and felt his nose desperately pushing against his neck, trying to hide his face from the world and once again find solace in Levi's warmth. Levi in turn hid his nose in Eren's hair, breathing him in and soaking strands of his hair with his tears.

"I've got you," Levi gasped, "I'm right here, right here. You're…you're not going anywhere. I'll protect you. I always do, don't I? I won't let anyone hurt you."

"Don't let me go," Eren pleaded, "I love you, I love you, I love you. Don't let me go, I love you so much."

A wet sob escaped the older man, Eren's words like a stab to the heart. He was saying whatever he had to so that Levi would protect him, but he also meant every word. And Levi couldn't help but squeeze Eren even harder, his grip suffocating by now, and reply, "I love you too. I'm here. I'll protect you, I won't let you go. I love you, shh, don't cry. Don't cry, please don't cry. Don't cry…."

Eren absorbed every word, wishing very dearly he could live inside them and the warmth they filled him with. He sobbed and clung to Levi as hard as he possibly could. Any tighter and he'd probably be inside of him, and that was okay with him. He wished he could hide inside Levi, be nourished by his blood and sleep next to his heart. No harm would come to him there. He'd never be hurt again, he was sure.

"Levi," came Erwin's voice above their heads, "You're going to need to let go. If you don't, they're going to have to separate you by force. We don't want to have to do that, really."

Levi ignored him, only hugging Eren to himself tighter. Logic had officially abandoned him, swept away by a swell of instincts that demanded he protect the person he cared about most in the world, that he do whatever it took to stop his tears and erase his fear, because he simply couldn't bear to see him so upset. And Levi wasn't going to be the one to push him away, not in a million years.

Erwin sighed, and stepped around behind Levi, while the transporters moved wordlessly behind Eren. Erwin reached down and gently grabbed Levi's bicep, and the other man immediately violently repelled him, jabbing his elbow backwards. Erwin flinched out of the way, and instead of grabbing for him again, waited for the transporters to take hold of Eren. As soon as they did, the boy let out a frightened cry and pushed himself further into Levi's arms, away from them. Levi in turn gripped him harder, his arms shaking with the effort, his breathing picking up in panic. He wasn't going to let Eren go without a fight. They couldn't have him, they just couldn't.

"Eren, it's time to go," one of the transporters said firmly, ignoring the boy's terrified whimpering, and grabbed him again at the same time Erwin took hold of Levi.

In one swift move, they were pulled apart. Eren flailed helplessly, trying to maintain his grip, and Levi did the same, trying with all of his might to keep Eren in his arms. But he was no match for the other men's strength, and he felt Eren slip through his fingers.

"No, no no NO!" Eren screeched, "No, let me go, let me go! Let me go, damn you!"

They held the boy's hands behind his back and pulled him away while Erwin did the same for Levi, holding the man in place. Eren threw himself every which way, trying to dislodge their grip. He dug his heels into the ground, making them fight for every inch as they dragged him to the door. When he saw that he couldn't stop them, that the door was looming closer, Eren's anger was replaced by fear once more, and he began crying out for the one person he knew would help him.

"Levi! Levi!" he screamed, "Don't let them take me! I don't want to go! I want to stay, I want to stay with you! Please don't let me go!"

Levi wrenched himself forward in Erwin's grasp in Eren's direction, trying desperately to break loose. But Erwin was bigger and stronger than he was, and he knew it was no use. But still he tried; anything to get to the boy he loved.

"Eren," he sobbed, "Eren! Eren please…"

"Help me!" Eren cried, great, fat tears rolling down his face and blinding him, "Levi, help me! Don't let them take me away! I want to stay with you! Help me, please! Please Levi, _please!_ "

Levi doubled his efforts to get away, to pull Eren back into his arms and shield him from everything in the world that wanted to hurt him. To promise him that everything was going to be okay. But it wasn't, was it? It would never be okay again. Eren was going somewhere he couldn't follow, and his desperate, pathetic screams, were breaking Levi, ruining him beyond repair. He was helpless to stop them though, helpless to comfort Eren in any way except by sharing in his tears and answering his cries.

The door was finally opened, and Eren cried out again, his voice becoming raw. "NO! NO! Levi help me! Help me, help me! Levi I don't want to go! NO!"

"Eren!" Levi cried helplessly, still struggling in Erwin's hold, "Eren, no!"

With a final push, Eren was shoved out the door, and the door shut behind them, slightly muffling the boy's cries. But Levi still heard him screaming, still heard him sobbing to be released. And then, he heard a scuffle, heard the men outside grunt in pain, and then heard a desperate pounding on his door.

"Levi!" came Eren's shouts from the other side of the door, "Levi help me! Let me in, please!"

He saw the doorknob rattling, but knew the door wasn't going to open. It always remained locked from the outside. Realizing what was happening, Levi lunged forward again, trying to get to the door.

"Eren!" he called out, "Eren, hold on!"

However, before he could hope to break free, he heard Eren scream in terror, and heard the crunch of the footsteps from the two men who no doubt had gotten back up and had regained their hold on him. Eren's voice faded slightly as he was dragged off the front steps, and then a moment later, reached a hysterical pitch in volume that had Levi's heart thudding so hard in his chest that it was painful. What on Earth was happening to make the boy scream like that? He had to stop it, had to get out there and protect him, couldn't let them hurt him.

But it was too late. A moment later Eren's cries began to die down, before they dissolved into whimpers, and then faded away completely. Levi heard the sounds of doors shutting, an engine starting, and a car crunching down the driveway, before it faded away. He shook his head in denial, refusing to believe that Eren was gone just like that. He struggled feebly for another moment, sobbing pitifully, but the silence confirmed it: Eren was gone, on his way to Hutchings, and there was no longer anything Levi could do for him. He was alone now, just as Levi was. Utterly alone and frightened out of his mind.

Finally, Levi went limp, his legs giving out, and his crying picked up in strength. Erwin, seeing the change in him, at last released him, and Petra instead took his place. However, she didn't restrain him. Instead, she wrapped her arms around him in a bruising hug, holding his head against her shoulder. He didn't fight the embrace, but he didn't hug her back either. He just let himself be held, and let himself mourn. Let the shattered feeling in his chest grow and consume him like a poison. It ate at his veins, crushed his heart and blotted out the light in his soul.

He had been broken once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "broken." Sorry this took so long to get out, but at least it's super long for you guys! My longest chapter yet lol. The second song Levi sings in here is "Sleepsong" by Secret Garden.


	25. Dort Mit Dir

An hour after Eren had left, and Levi was still trying to calm himself down. Petra had helped him up onto the couch, rubbing his back while his shoulders still shook with intermittent sobs. Erwin had exiled himself to the entryway, merely watching the proceedings. He watched as Levi's crying began to slow, wherein Petra took the opportunity to sneak into the kitchen and make him a quick cup of tea. Levi accepted it gratefully, sipping it slowly and letting the warmth soothe him. She offered him a box of tissues as well, which he also accepted, blowing his nose and then wiping his eyes with his sleeve, trying to fall back into his normally stoic façade. However, even though she knew what he was trying to do, it didn't stop Petra from laying her head sympathetically on his shoulder, and secretly Levi was grateful for the contact.

Finally, when things quieted down, Erwin spoke.

"Levi, listen," he began in a low, careful voice, "I know I'm your least favorite person in the world right now, and I don't blame you at all. But"-

"But nothing," Levi bit out coldly, "You're right, I don't want to hear a damn thing you have to say right now."

Erwin sighed, and Petra lifted her head from Levi's shoulder, choosing to rub it in hopes of keeping him calm instead while listening intently. Eventually, the other man said, "It won't mean anything to you, but I still felt the need to tell you that I'm sorry. I really am, for putting both of you through that. It didn't bring me any kind of joy to see you both hurting like that." He looked down at the floor for a moment, before admitting, "I'll confess, part of me thought that what you two had was just some kind of shallow infatuation, but…it's different, hearing about how attached the two of you are to each other versus seeing it for myself."

Levi took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, before saying, "Then why the hell won't you let me see Eren at Hutchings? You say you finally see the proof of how much I mean to him, yet you won't let me support him when he needs me the most? I understand he needs to go to Hutchings, but he didn't need to be scared half to death in the process!"

Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose. "I know you can't see it now, but I really do think this will benefit both of you. Besides, he won't be cut off from his support system completely."

"Just from the only person who matters," Levi growled, frustrated, "Are you even hearing me, you piece of shit?"

"Levi," Petra murmured, her tone a mixture of admonishing and placating, "Shh, shh. Easy."

It was then that he noticed that his breathing had grown quite heavy, and that his shoulders were rising and falling with it. His insides were prickling hotly, and at the moment he was still so angry that he felt he was about to explode. However, in the same wave, he realized that no matter how angry he became, it wouldn't change anything. Eren was still on his way to Hutchings, and there was nothing he could do about that.

He felt fresh tears stinging his eyes, and before they could fall, he left the living room, and the two of them heard his bedroom door slamming behind him.

"I think it's best that you go," Petra suggested.

"I think you're right," Erwin agreed, and began to pull his coat back on, "I suppose you can tell Levi as well as I can that I'm suspending him with pay from the Wings of Freedom for the next year. He won't be taking any more cases in that time, partly because of the suspension, and partly because he can't take on two cases at once."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "What other case does he have?"

"Well, Eren of course," he answered.

She was silent, still confused, before Erwin clarified, "I never said I would give his case to anyone else. When he gets out, he'll remain Levi's responsibility. I can't imagine a better person to help you prepare for the real world than someone who loves you."

Petra just stared after him, even when he finished putting on his coat and shoes, bid her farewell, and closed the door behind him. When she heard his car starting up, she walked down the hallway, and then knocked on Levi's closed door once she stood in front of it.

"It's just me," she said, "Erwin's gone."

After a pause, Levi asked, "Are you going to be leaving too?"

Petra felt her heart breaking at how hoarse and hopeless his voice sounded, still thick with tears, and she replied, "I can if you want, but I'd rather not leave you as you are right now."

A few more beats of silence, and then the door was opening, revealing his still tear-streaked face. It was a bit strange for her to see him like this. She had seen Levi in his darkest episodes of depression, but he rarely cried during them; he mostly became very irritable, yet lethargic and hopeless. This was an entirely new Levi, one she was meeting for the first time in their many years of friendship, one that was not only hopeless, but grief-stricken as well. It didn't matter that Eren was still alive; he wasn't with Levi anymore, wasn't under the man's protective and loving gaze, and that was enough to make him mourn. She knew she had to be extra careful when dealing with him, not just today, but in all the coming days he would be like this.

After he opened the door, he stepped aside, allowing her to enter his room, wherein he went and sat back on the edge of his bed. He scrubbed at his eyes hastily, before bending forward and hiding his face in his hands.

"I know I shouldn't have been that harsh to Erwin, but I also know he deserved it," he mumbled into his hands.

Petra let out a breathy laugh. "He certainly did. I'm glad you let him have it."

"But I'm already on thin ice as it is. He's probably already fired me and I'm going to get a call from him over the phone later today about it. It'd be the perfect icing on this shit cake of a day, wouldn't it."

He dug his hands into his hair, and Petra couldn't help but stroke the nape of his neck that was peaking above the collar of his shirt, trying to comfort him. "Actually, Erwin told me he's not firing you. Just suspending you with pay for a year."

He lifted his face from his hands, regarding her quizzically, and Petra explained by telling him what Erwin had told her about keeping Eren as a case and how he allow him to return to Levi's care after he got out. Levi just sighed and shook his head, obviously still not trusting Erwin's words or his sincerity completely, but too emotionally strung out to dwell on them.

"I suppose that's good," he finally settled on, "I didn't want to have to worry about money on top of everything else."

"He'd be stupid to fire you," Petra mentioned, "You're the best one in the organization he's got. At least he knows that. But of course you have to be punished in some way."

Levi nodded, before leaning forward again and holding his head in one hand this time. The two of them sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, Petra stroking his back rhythmically, feeling how overly warm it was from stress. Eventually, Levi spoke again.

"What am I going to do?" he said in a small, vulnerable voice, "I don't want to be alone, Petra. I don't want Eren to be alone either. God, I'd let Erwin punish me however he wanted as long as he left Eren alone. But I suppose, in a way, separating us is the best punishment. It just so happens that Eren needed to be admitted for more intense psychiatric care. And I know you won't be able to come over as often with your new case and that I won't be able to help much because of my suspension"-

"Levi, slow down," she said. "Now listen, it's like I told Eren. It'll turn out alright in the end. We just have to take things one step at a time. And right now we have to get you calmed down enough so that you can take a nap this afternoon. You look like you need one."

Levi knew she was right when he felt too exhausted to disagree with her. And though he hadn't really looked at himself in the mirror today, he knew that between his single hour of sleep and the stress of the morning, he had to look like hell. So, he just gave into her, keeping his head bowed and his eyes on the floor. Petra offered him a small smile, and watched as he wordlessly leaned over to lay down, letting his head drop listlessly onto his pillow. Without being prompted, she stood up and pulled his quilt, still mussed from when he had wrapped it around Eren, up and over his shoulders. She then smoothed it out tenderly, before nodding at him once, and turning to leave. However, before she made it to the door, Levi stopped her with a soft, "Petra."

She halted and turned her head over her shoulder to look at him. "Hmm?"

"Why are you still being so good to me?"

She cocked her head slightly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, even though I fucked up so bad, why are you still helping me so much? Why are you taking my side over Erwin's?"

Petra scoffed and shook her head, suddenly looking like she was about to explain a simple concept to a child who just couldn't grasp it. "Because you're my friend," she stated, "and I care about you and Eren both. I'll tell you Levi, in all the years I've known you, I've never seen you this happy, and I know for a fact that kid brought it out of you. We don't usually get to choose when and how we meet the person we fall in love with. Most of the time they just kind of fall into your life, but when they do, you'd be an idiot to let them go. And after seeing you both at your lowest points, and seeing how happy you are together…I just want you both to stay that happy forever."

Overwhelmed, Levi had to swallow down more tears, but couldn't cover up his emotions completely, as they closed his throat and made his next words come out thickly. "We can definitely aim for that. Thank you, Petra. I don't thank you nearly enough for everything you do, and I should."

She waved her hand dismissively. "I think that's the sleep deprivation talking. Normal, non-sleep deprived Levi would know that he thanks me plenty just by smiling for me when he doesn't really smile for anyone else."

That answer of course prompted a smile out of him, a small one, but it was definitely there. Petra smiled in return, before telling him once again to get some rest. "And don't worry about anything right now," she added, "I'll get your woodstove started and get some lunch going for us. Might do some tidying up around here too. Not that there's too much to do since you keep everything so spotless. But I'll be here when you wake up either way, okay?"

"Okay," he said, and watched as she left, closing the door behind her. Levi sighed to himself, and closed his eyes, feeling strung out and beyond exhausted by the events of the last forty eight hours. Though truthfully, part of him wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, to pretend that everything had been a bad dream.

000

Petra was kind enough to stay with him all afternoon. The two of them caught up over lunch, eventually sitting down to watch a couple of fluffy chick flicks on Netflix, which Levi normally despised. But at this point, he welcomed any distraction and just hearing Petra scold him over what a pessimistic grump he was being over how unrealistic the romance was portrayed in the movies made him happy. It made him feel somewhat normal. Even when Petra eventually left him that evening with promises that he would call her if he needed anything, the good feeling didn't go away.

However, it did go away the minute she closed the door behind her, and he was left with the ringing silence of his own empty house.

Levi turned away from the entryway and made his way into the kitchen, his feet dragging the tiniest bit. He tried to ignore it, tried to focus on anything but the prickling unease in his chest, but it returned in full force when he opened his fridge and saw the lasagna he had made Eren last night, still sitting there innocently in its pan. He bit his lip, debating, and decided to pull it out of the fridge and set it on the counter. When he pulled the cover off, his heart gave a lurch at the sight of the two square pieces missing from his and Eren's dinner the night before, when he had still been here. Levi shook his head, and spooned a piece on his plate, reaching over and turning on Christmas music on his radio before sticking his food in the microwave.

When it finished, he sat down at the table, and tried to focus on the cheery music playing. In between bites, he found himself glancing over to his Christmas tree, which had turned on automatically because of the timer he had set it on. It sparkled at him, bringing him the tiniest bit of relief and happiness. Even more so when he noticed Eren's little corgi ornament sitting front and center, gleaming among the white lights. But that happiness disappeared the longer he kept eating.

It was so quiet. So terribly, horribly quiet, despite the music playing. There was no banter, no laughter, no warmth or feeling of ease he had grown so used to. No Eren singing along to the Christmas songs on the radio, no Eren asking what they were going to do tomorrow, no Eren to help him make dinner. The silence hit him like a physical blow, clenching his stomach and making him feel too sick to eat much. But he still tried, still tried to enjoy Eren's favorite meal in his stead. He tried to ignore the guilt and dread he had been feeling since that morning, but it wouldn't go away.

Eventually, Levi finished his plate, also trying very hard to ignore how odd it felt to only have to clean up one plate and not two. There was also only one glass sitting by the sink. He sighed, and decided to go and put his pajamas on.

Once that was done, he glanced at his clock, and saw that it was around eight at night. He couldn't help but think that Eren would probably be at Hutchings by now. Would he be getting ready for bed too? Was he still as frightened as he was this morning?

Levi took a deep, shaky breath, and moved into the living room, suddenly desperate to numb his mind with some t.v. Maybe it would help him relax enough to fall asleep tonight, though he doubted it. His muscles were too tense, and his insides were squirming around too much, too uncomfortable and jittery. Even as he sat there on the couch and watched t.v, all he could think of was Eren. Already, he was itching to call Hutchings, wondering if they had heard from Erwin yet that he wasn't allowed to speak to the boy while he was there. He just wanted to talk to Eren, just for a little while, to comfort him, to let him know that he didn't have to be afraid. He wanted to tell him goodnight like always and that he loved him. He wanted to know that he had made it there safely, and that he was settling in alright.

But he couldn't.

And he couldn't settle down on this couch either, the t.v doing nothing to distract him and instead only driving up his anxiety even further. So, deciding it was pointless, he got up and headed for bed. Once he turned on his lamp, he suddenly remembered Eren's pendant hanging around his neck. He ran his fingers over it reverently for a moment, debating on whether or not to remove it before he went to bed, but decided he simply didn't have the heart to. He had promised Eren he would keep it safe, after all. So instead, he plopped despondently onto the bed, turning off the light and settling under the blankets.

It took him a whole thirty seconds of total darkness and silence to realize that sleep wasn't going to come any time soon for him that night.

Despite having several layers of blankets laid firmly over him, Levi still felt exposed and cold. There was no warm pressure of another body against his, no breath near his ear, no cold feet pressed against his thighs or arms holding him securely against a chest where a reassuring heart beat just under his cheek. He had been feeling it all day, but it was in that moment that it truly sank in; he was alone.

Levi felt tears stinging his eyes once more, and his throat grew painfully tight. He was pathetic and he knew it. Eren had only been gone for a little over twelve hours, and he was already aching for him. His body was craving his comforting presence, so used to having it to watch for the monsters that liked to invade his sleep. He didn't realize how dependent he had grown on having Eren there to help him watch the dark corners of his room for any threats that might be there until he was gone. He was suddenly so desperately uneasy, frightened even. He felt so out of sorts, like he had been thrown out of alignment, and it made his long suppressed anxiety bubble to the surface. He had to do something, he needed something to make him feel right again. But he only knew of one thing that would make him feel better, and he was eight hours away.

The tears began to roll down Levi's cheeks, grief and frustration mingling together in a hot, potent mix. It was enough to make him slide slightly over to the side of the bed that Eren had occupied the night before, and take a deep draught of the sheets. To his relief, they still smelled like Eren, and that calmed down his jittering insides jut the tiniest bit. That smell meant comfort and safety, warmth and happiness. It meant the beach, hikes through the woods, talks under the stars, fairies on the meadow, and a castle in the clouds. Levi couldn't help himself when he grabbed the pillow Eren had used last night and held it to his chest, desperate to hold something, unused to his arms feeling so empty. He buried his nose in it, tears wetting the fabric as they dripped down his face. It smelled like Eren too, and if he closed his eyes, he could imagine it was the boy he was holding. His boy, his precious Eren, safe in his arms, and not hundreds of miles away, frightened out of his mind.

"Eren," he said hoarsely, eyes flickering up to his window, watching as the snow pattered against the glass. He could see the mountains from here, though they were shrouded slightly by the snow clouds. And Levi couldn't call Eren, but he could still wish him well, as if the boy could hear him. He was seeing the same moon and stars, after all. "It's okay. Don't be scared, alright? It's going to be alright. I'm sending you a hug, okay? Can you feel it? I'm sending you the warmest, tightest hug that I can."

His bottom lip trembled, and his tears came faster, hugging the pillow closer. "It'll be alright, brat," he whispered, "You're going to get better, and then we'll be together again. And then I'll hug you and never let go. So just settle down, I know you're scared, but I'm right there with you. Just relax. You're safe. I'm with you, so you're safe."

Levi's shoulders shook on a small sob, and he finished with, "Goodnight, kid. I love you. The minute they discharge you from that place, I'll be on my way to get you. Even if they decide to discharge you at three in the morning or some shit, I'll get up and be there. It'll be okay…it'll be okay…I love you..."

And with that, Levi took his eyes away from the window, and instead cried silently to himself, murmuring over and over again that he loved his brat, that it was going to be okay, though he was pretty sure he was trying to convince himself at that point. And eventually, he did drop off into an uneasy sleep, tears dried on his face, and his nose still buried in his pillow, Eren's scent soothing him at long last.

000

"NO! NO! Levi help me! Help me, help me! Levi I don't want to go! NO!"

"Eren!" Levi cried helplessly, still struggling in Erwin's hold, "Eren, no!"

And that was the last Eren got to see of his protector, before he was pushed outside and the door was closed behind him. Eren reached a new height of panic when Levi disappeared from his sight, and he began struggling harder than ever, thrashing and kicking like a possessed beast. They couldn't do this, they couldn't take him from his Levi, from the only person and place that made him feel safe. The thought of being sent so far away from the people that loved him brought up flashbacks of being taken away from his parents and locked in that basement for a decade and…he couldn't let them do this.

With renewed determination, Eren threw his head back and caught the other man in the chin with his skull. It hurt, but the sharp, unexpected pain made the transporter let go of him. The other transporter quickly rushed up to grab him, and without thinking, Eren kicked him in the groin. He heard him go down, and he realized that for a precious minute, he was free. He could go anywhere to get away from them, but he only knew of one place he wanted to be. Trudging as fast as he could through the fresh, powdery snow, he raced back up the walkway and grabbed the knob on the front door, twisting it desperately, and cursing when it didn't open. It was locked, of course it was, and that only made Eren shakier and more desperate, especially when he heard the men get up behind him and begin to move towards him again.

"Levi!" he cried, pounding on the door, "Levi, help me! Let me in, _please!_ "

"Eren!" Levi responded on the other side, "Eren, hold on!"

He was so close, _so close_ to safety. Levi was there on the other side. He just had to let him in, and Eren knew he would protect him. It didn't even occur to the boy to run away into the woods and hide, not when he'd be so much safer in the arms of the man he loved. Levi would save him, he always did, always protected him, always took care of him, always-

Eren shrieked as one of the transporters regained their hold on him, pulling him away from the front steps. But the boy still fought, still thrashed in his grip, desperate for freedom. He knocked his head backwards again, over and over until he could see spots flash momentarily in front of his eyes. He didn't care if he hurt himself though, as long as he could get to Levi again.

"Eren, come on, you need to stop that or we're going to have to put you out," the transporter that held him said, trying to keep his tone calm, but having difficulty due to the fact that Eren was putting up such a fuss.

"Let me go, you bastard!" the boy screeched, ignoring him completely, "Let me go, let me GO!"

Seeing that he was too far gone to listen to them, and far too worked up to get safely in the van, the free transporter ran back to the van and returned with a small object that Eren didn't recognize as a syringe until the man was grabbing his upper arm and holding the needle above it. Blind panic set in, and Eren fought harder than ever, trying to get away from the awful syringe and the drug that it contained.

"LEVI!" he screamed, "LEVI HELP ME!"

But Levi couldn't help him anymore. No one could. Still, that knowledge didn't stop Eren from still trying to break free anyway, even as the needle plunged into his arm. Even when the drugs began to flood his system and slow down his reactions, he still fought. He kept crying for Levi to help him, though even he realized that his cries were gradually growing softer and his limbs began to grow heavier. A high pitched buzzing began in his ears, and blackness groped for him, pulling him down against his will. Still Eren fought, fought to keep his eyes open, fought to stay aware and keep his eyes on the front door of his house. Levi was in there, and any moment now, he would come out and pull Eren back into his arms. Any moment now.

"Levi," he mumbled, "Help…"

Any moment…

"Help me."

His eyes closed, the front door being the last thing he saw, and his last thought was that he desperately hoped when he woke again, Levi would be holding onto him, keeping him close and warm and reassuring him that it had all been a horrible nightmare. He would wish for nothing else for as long as he lived if only the first thing he saw when he woke again were those gray eyes with their hint of blue looking down lovingly at him.

000

It felt like a year and a moment had passed all at once before Eren opened his eyes again. He did so slowly, with the air of one that feels more dead than alive, and even though his eyes were open, his brain was still very much asleep. It took him several minutes to recognize that he wasn't still asleep, and that the gray, upholstered ceiling he was looking at was real. So was the seatbelt hugging his body, the dull roaring of other cars passing him, and the quiet conversation of the two men in the car with him. It was real, it wasn't a passing nightmare like he had hoped. They had gotten him in the car and were taking him away.

Levi wasn't there. He wasn't there to greet him like he had wished for, and he wasn't there to comfort Eren in his distress. Knowing this, all the boy could do was give in to the fear that gripped him, forcing adrenaline into his deadened limbs, and beginning to struggle.

"Out," he gasped, "Let me out. Let me go."

He began to shift around, looking for the clasp of the seatbelt, his sleepy brain telling him to undo it and get out of the car this instant, never mind that they were going seventy miles per hour on a main highway in the middle of nowhere. He had to get out. He'd walk home if he had to, but he couldn't stay here.

"Hey, hey now," the transporter sitting next to him said, placing a steadying hand against the one of Eren's that was groping for his seatbelt buckle, "It's alright. Calm down."

"No," he whimpered, "No. Let me out. I want to go home. I'm going home."

"Eren, Eren," the other man said, "I know. I know you want to go home, but you can't. You have to go to Hutchings, for your own good, you know that. Besides, we're in Pennsylvania right now, just crossed the border thirty minutes ago. Already a good couple of hours out. But it's alright, we're not going to let anything happen to you. We were going to pull over into the next rest stop for a break, so we could take that time to feed you and let you use the bathroom, alright?"

Eren had stopped listening after the man had said they were out a couple of hours. Already? He had been asleep that long? No, he couldn't be. The thought had his heart hammering again, and he twisted around in his seat to look out the back window. His heart dropped into his stomach when he didn't recognize his surroundings, and what was more, he couldn't see the mountains anymore either. He wondered when they had disappeared from their sight.

Eren turned back around in his seat, curling in on himself and growing more frightened by the moment. He froze up, instinctively trying to make himself as small as possible. He felt like a fawn hiding amongst the leaf litter, trying to stay still so predators wouldn't notice him until his mother returned for him. Except Levi wasn't his mother, and two hours away from home with the mountains nowhere in sight, he didn't have a hope of the man coming for him.

He was completely on his own.

Eren whined, long and low, a sound of profound distress. Hopeless tears began to well up in his eyes, and he bit his lip. This was the first time in a long time he had cried and Levi hadn't rushed to his side to comfort him, and he didn't like it. He didn't like hurting and being scared like this with no hope of a balm for the pain. And he had nothing to comfort himself with; they had made him leave his pendant at home, and everything else that reminded him of home and safety. All he could do was sit there and hurt. His tears slipped down his cheeks, and he cried silently to himself, too frightened to think. He could feel himself growing colder as well, even though the heat was blasting in the car. A clammy sweat prickled on his back and along his temples, and he began to feel nauseous. He started to shiver and wrapped his arms around himself in an effort to conserve warmth.

Seeing this, the transporter sitting next to him reached around in back to grab Eren's bag. The boy heard the zipper open, and soon found one of his blankets from home being draped over him. The spark returned a little bit to the boy's eyes as he caught the scent of the blanket; it was clean and soft, but still contained the subtle, musky smell Levi's house always did. To Eren's utter relief and delight, taking another whiff, he realized that it even smelled a bit like Levi, as the two of them would often cuddle under this blanket on the couch. His face then pinched in pain, and the tears began to flow for a whole different reason as he wrapped the blanket all around himself and pulled it over his head, encasing himself in comforting warmth. The transporters gave him his privacy as he cried under his blanket helplessly.

They ended up stopping at several rest stops along their journey, and each time Eren used the bathroom, but couldn't bring himself to eat anything. For one thing, he was far too on edge to try and force something down; he was almost certain he'd throw it back up again. For another thing, as silly as it sounded, he took a small comfort in knowing his last meal had been at Levi's house, and he liked to imagine that the tart Levi had made so carefully for him was still in his belly, reminding him how much Levi loved him. For as long as he could, he wanted that to be his last meal, to keep that piece of home with him, and not put anything in his body that Levi hadn't made. However, every time he got back into the car, he wrapped himself back up in his blanket, hiding his nose in it and napping when he could, pretending that he wasn't in the car. At one point he grew out of it enough that he thought he was on the couch at home, and the roaring of the car transformed into a movie playing on the t.v.

Finally, the eight hour trip came to an end, and Eren felt his heart fly into his throat when they finally pulled into the parking lot at Hutchings Psychiatric Center. It was quite dark by now, and it only made the lights on the building as they pulled up seem harsher and more threatening to Eren. He curled up further under his blanket, pushing it hard against his nose and inhaling the scent of home to keep himself sane. Even when the parked the car in the underground garage, Eren didn't move, frozen with terror once more. He waited until his things were unloaded from the car and the transporter opened his door and unbuckled his seatbelt, telling him it was time to go to even acknowledge either of them. His eyes merely flicked over to the other man's, wide and rimmed in red from his tears throughout the day. He hugged the blanket closer around his body.

"You can keep the blanket on if that will make you feel safer," the man reassured him, "But you have to come inside now. Can't stay out here all night, or you'll freeze."

He placed his hands on the boy's shoulders, and almost as if he were in a trance, Eren allowed himself to be guided out of the car, though his steps were stiff as he walked towards the elevator. A short ride later and they were in the lobby, Eren continuing to clutch his blanket, keeping his nose buried in the soft fabric. His new surroundings flooded his senses; blindingly white walls broken up by occasional beiges and grays, beeps of pagers going off, the distant screams down the hall, the mixture of strange faces in the waiting room…it was too much. It threatened to overwhelm the boy. There were too many strangers, too many noises and too much new stimuli to take in at once. Eren began to feel dizzy and sick, threatening to drop in a faint in the lobby. His empty stomach only contributed to his dizziness, and he could feel himself swaying. Shaking, he took several deep breaths and clutched at his blanket tightly, calling up his mantra and repeating it over and over in his head.

_Safe, safe, warm, happiness. Fields, mountains, deer, violets, castles, Levi. Love, safe, Levi, Levi, Levi…Levi, I love you, please help me, get me out of here. I want to go home, I want to go home so bad…_

One of the transporters left them to admit Eren and speak with the lady at the front desk, while the other stayed with Eren, but he was no comfort to him. He clutched his blanket like a lifeline, squeezing his eyes shut and forcing more tears out, trying to block out some of the stimulus and calm himself. Within a few minutes though, the transporter was ushering him in out of the lobby and into a hallway, the process sped up by the fact that all of Eren's files had been transferred the night before. The boy could barely see anything through his tears though, and was so scared that he could barely move. He jumped when he heard one patient cry out in their room, and another start struggling and cursing the nurses that were helping them. Eren whimpered, chanting his mantra in his head some more, repeating Levi's name over and over again until he caught himself whispering it out loud. He then bit his lip, and instead let tears flow silently down his cheeks, following the transporter and the nurse that led them obediently.

Eventually, they stopped by a room, and the nurse explained, "This is room he's been assigned to. His roommate will come later. You're a little late for dinner, but they told me you haven't eaten all day, so we'll have something sent up to you while you unpack your things. Before you do that though, we'll have to inspect your bags, alright?"

Eren didn't reply to her. He simply ambled into the bedroom and sat despondently on the bed, curling in on himself once more. He didn't acknowledge the fact that the transporters bid him goodbye and good luck, or the staff that began searching through his bags in front of him. He didn't move until they brought him a warm meal and the smell made his stomach growl harshly. He knew he should eat, that he felt quite weak and that this would revive him, but he still felt as if he were betraying Levi by eating something that the man hadn't made him. This was a ridiculous thought of course, as he could only imagine that Levi would be horrified and scold him for not eating all day, but it was still there. Nonetheless, he listened to the Levi in his head that told him he should eat and keep his strength up, and slowly began to chew his offered dinner.

"Tomorrow morning you'll go see the psychologist and they'll evaluate you," the nurse who remained explained, "And then we'll see if we need to put you on any meds. Are you on any meds now, Eren?"

"Lexapro and melotonin," Eren mumbled after swallowing his bite.

"Ah, I see," she said, "Well, we'll see if your dose needs to be changed or if we need to put you on different medication. For now, after you finish, I'll take your plates and then it's lights off, alright?"

The boy nodded apathetically, not even tasting what he ate; all he got from his dinner was that his stomach no longer pained him when he finished. Soon enough, he was unpacking his things away while the nurse took his plate, the closing of every drawer like a death knell to his heart. He already hated how this place smelled as well; it wasn't bad, it was just too different from home, a slight tinge of antiseptic in the air, and he wrinkled his nose in distaste. Soon enough, he was being guided in to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and was very confused when the nurse remained with him.

"I know how to brush my teeth by myself," he told her.

"I'm sorry Eren, but we're required to follow you everywhere you go in here," she explained.

"Are you going to follow me when I have to take a shit too?" Eren joked, but she simply answered the affirmative, and Eren shook his head, slightly horrified, and brushed his teeth in silence.

Soon enough, he was led back to his room and left to undress and go to bed. Once the door was shut, he did so, before turning the lights off and sliding into his new bed. After a moment of laying in it, he decided he hated it too. The mattress was far too hard for his tastes, and the plush quilts he was used to at home, the quilts that brought him so much comfort and kept him so warm during the winter, weren't here. They were instead were replaced with thin, scratchy standard issue hospital blankets that smelled funny. He sighed, and after he pulled the blankets over himself, he grabbed his blanket from home and placed it over himself as well, pulling it up to his neck and burying his nose in it again. He also grabbed the scented pillow he had brought and held that up to his nose briefly as well. Taking a deep breath, his sinuses were flooded with balsam, and his mind took him back road trips with the windows down, make-out sessions near the forest, and late nights watching the fireflies in the fields. Bringing the blanket back to his nose again, he thought of late night movies and popcorn, mornings in front of the woodstove, and hugs from behind followed up by kisses on the nose.

For the hundredth time that day, Eren felt tears prick his eyes as he realized that wrapping this blanket around himself was probably the closest he was going to get to a hug from Levi during his stay here. And who knew how long he would be stuck here. Months? Years? God, he didn't know how he was going to last a month here, let alone a year. One night was proving difficult enough.

Eren shivered, trying not to think about his current circumstances, instead breathing in the scent of home and pretending he was there. If he really concentrated, he could block out the unfamiliar noises of the hospital that were setting him so on edge and pretend he could hear the roaring of the woodstove, the blowing of the wind against the house, and the murmuring of Levi's voice, telling him how beautiful and special he was. Eren's tears flowed faster, and he began to tremble, more desperate than he had ever been all day for Levi's presence to comfort him. He was alone, and it was dark in a strange place, and he found himself wanting his protector so badly that it ached. He was so scared that he could feel his dinner churning around in his insides. He pulled the blanket around himself a little tighter, pretending they were Levi's arms squeezing him securely.

"Please," he begged to the darkness, "Please let me go to sleep and wake up at home. I just want this all to be a bad dream. I'll do anything, just let me wake up at home. I can't do this. I can't do this, I can't be brave, Levi. I can't do it. I need you. I love you."

He sobbed softly, holding his incense pillow to his chest and again wishing he had been allowed to have his pendant so he could look at it and see Levi's special message to him, his request for Eren to fight no matter what. If he could see that, maybe it would inspire him to get through the night to start with, and then to get through his time at Hutchings with his head held high.

"I love you," he continued to murmur, "And I know I'm here, but my heart is with you at home. I'm right there with you, Levi. I'm in bed with you right now at home. Don't be scared of the dark, because I'm there to protect you. You're safe. I won't let your bad dreams hurt you."

Eren kept talking to Levi as if he were there for as long as he could, comforting the man as if he was right beside him because it comforted him too. It made him feel more normal, and the more he did it, the more he could pretend that the spot next to the bed wasn't empty, but that Levi was curled right up in his arms. And eventually, his emotional exhaustion caught up with him and pulled him into a light sleep, his prayers to wake up in Levi's arms and his comforts to the man on his lips as he did so. His subconscious even took pity on him and plunged him into a sweet dream where he was lying in bed with Levi, curled around the other man and nosing him playfully while Levi grumbled sleepily. But all it took was a few kisses in his hair and Levi was sighing happily, his breath warm against Eren's chest and his arms securely around the boy's waist.

It was so peaceful and perfect, and a far cry from the nightmare Eren was about to enter into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I am soooo sorry this chapter took so long, school is literally trying to kill me. So unfortunately updates will be kind of sporadic, but I'll try to keep it more often than once a month. But anyway, we're kind of entering the downward slide of this fic, because all that's left will be Eren's time at Hutchings and then an epilogue, but we've still got a bunch more chapters to go, so fear not. Anyway chapter title means "there with you" and this chapter was inspired mostly by "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge and "I Found" by Amber Run. The second one was sent to me by GammaRays and is part of the reason why this chapter is so sad.


	26. Sing Für Mich

_Levi was so weak that he could barely lift his head from the thin, worn out mattress that passed as a bed in his underground cell. He had lost count as to how many days it had been since he had last been fed, but he felt it had been somewhere close three. Maybe longer. It certainly felt longer, but of course time felt drastically slowed down now when he was suffering so. He had begun to measure time by how often his stomach growled in a single minute, and his life became a long, torturous stretch of anticipating agonizing waves of hunger and weakness. His only respite came between the waves in which he tried to grab a minute or two of sleep, before his stomach would pang so harshly he would be startled awake again. It had gotten to the point where he used his overly long fingernails to collect some of the dust on the floor and then lick it from underneath his nails in a desperate attempt to put something in his belly._

_He winced as another wave of pain swelled within him, his stomach clawing at his ribs,_ begging _for sustenance, not understanding why Levi wouldn't fill it. The boy sighed, whining at the pain, feeling tears sting his eyes from that and the frustration he felt of not being able to fulfill one of his most basic needs. Not for the first time, he wished his mother was here with him. Even if she couldn't feed him, she could at least be there to comfort him, hold him through his pain, sing her special songs, and give him someone to rant to about the disgusting monsters that did this to them._

_Once the wave passed, he was left with the devastating weakness as his only companion once more, his stomach gurgling feebly but loudly in the silence of the bunker. Levi sighed shakily, dizzy even though he was laying down._

_However, at that minute, he heard voices drifting down the hallway, more specifically, the voices of his captors. They were coming closer and closer, until their footsteps stopped outside his door. Once he heard the key in the lock on his door, Levi sat up automatically and obediently faced the entrance, parting his legs, keeping his arms at his sides, parting his lips slightly, and averting his eyes submissively._ Always remain open. _It was one of the rules here. You always had to look sexually available, always had to be submissive. He had been beaten enough times to know what would happen if he didn't._

_As they entered, he caught the tail end of their conversation, though it didn't really register in his sluggish brain at first. One of them was saying to the other, "As much fun as that was, we'll have to do it again. Never thought hunting down a person could be as much fun as hunting down a deer."_

" _Oh yes," the other replied, the one with the eyepatch, "The best part is them thinking they've gotten away, only for us to show up and bam! The look on her face was priceless."_

" _I don't know if anything from here on out will be able to top Kate's face when she saw the barrel of the gun."_

Kate, _Levi thought as his eyes suddenly widened. She was the one with the baby who had been brought in right before they had. She was still here? Or at least, she used to be. And she was the one who had had her baby cooked as well. Levi grimaced. The poor woman. At least she and her baby were together again now._

_Their gazes turned to Levi, and it was at that moment that the boy saw one of them was carrying a bowl of what looked like a brownish soup. To the normal eye, it didn't look appetizing, but for Levi, it could literally be filled with shit and at that point he might have considered eating it. Anything to get rid of the excruciating pain in his belly._

_The one without the eye patch, who was also holding the bowl, regarded him first. "Well good evening, bitch. Have we learned our lesson about biting our clients' dicks?"_

" _Yes master," Levi whispered in a crackling voice. He hadn't spoken for many days, and it was weak with disuse._

" _Hmm? Speak up."_

" _Yes mas…master," Levi repeated, louder this time, though it wasn't very apparent. His head was so dizzy that he couldn't focus, and his words were probably coming out slightly slurred._

" _Louder."_

_The boy was beginning to sway, his blood sugar so low that it was becoming difficult to stay sitting upright, much less think clearly about their request. He tried hard though, seeing one the one in the eyepatch raise his hand in a threatening manner. "Y-Yes! Yes ma-mas…masters."_

_In the next instance, the man in the eyepatch was crossing the room and slamming Levi's head against the wooden wall, gripping his hair so tightly that it made the boy cry out. He pulled him back by the hair and slammed his head against the wall again, and Levi cried out once more. The man leaned forward and growled, "Are you going to answer him properly? Or do we have to shove the dildo covered in sandpaper up your ass again?"_

_Levi felt tears sting his eyes, and he whimpered loudly. The last time they had done that, he hadn't been able to defecate for nearly a week without horrendous agony following the action, so he had simply chosen to hold it, and he had become so sick that they had actually placed him back with his mother for a while since they couldn't be bothered to take care of him but they still didn't want their money maker to die. He desperately whined, "No, no," over and over again, before yelling, "Yes masters! I'm sorry sir, I'm sorry! I'm-I'm sorry I was bad, I'll be good! I'm a worthless w-whore, and I don't deserve the water I drink or the air I breathe. Please, I'm sorry!"_

_To his relief, the man released him, leaving Levi trembling harshly on the floor. Black was pulsing at the edges of the boy's vision, and he felt that he was going to pass out at any moment. He held his head with one hand to steady himself, vaguely remembering to keep his legs open._ Always remain open. Always be submissive.

" _Well, after an apology like that, I suppose he deserves something to eat," the man holding the bowl said._

_Levi sucked in a little breath when he saw the man towering over him for a moment, and he fought against the urge to flinch. The bowl was placed in front of him, before they backed off and stood against the opposite wall. He looked up carefully to see that they were staring at him expectantly._

" _Go on," the one with the eyepatch said, his lips curling up in barely concealed delight. "Eat it."_

_Levi knew that couldn't mean anything good. Were they serving him poison? No, they wouldn't do that. He was more valuable to them alive. Were they really serving him shit? Disgusting, but it wouldn't kill him. As long as something was in his stomach, he didn't care at this point. His sense of decency had no place when he was this weak. So, his arm shaking and his head pounding as he did so, Levi picked up the bowl and put it to his lips. He braced himself in preparation._

_But the foul taste he was expecting didn't come. In fact, this soup with ground hamburger in it wasn't half bad. A little cooler than he would have liked, but the fact that it was even lukewarm was a beautiful blessing. The instant the rich meat juice hit his tongue, Levi found himself helplessly gulping it all down, barely pausing to chew the pieces of meat that came with it. He nearly choked at one point, having to stop and beat his chest as he coughed, but it didn't stop him in the slightest. He didn't stop until the bowl was empty, and even then, he pathetically licked any stray pieces of hamburger or meat juice out until the bowl was completely clean. They even gave him water to wash it down with. Levi wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, licking his lips for any stray drops. His stomach still didn't feel quite full, but it was still a massive improvement from before._

_He chanced a look at his two captors, and they seemed entirely too happy about something. Levi couldn't figure out for the life of him what it was though. He had simply eaten his meal like they had said. Were they happy that he obeyed them? No, they looked far too pleased. Was there some joke that he wasn't in on? He didn't dare ask. Instead, he simply kept his eyes lowered, and enjoyed the feeling of his muscles relaxing slightly. In fact, his whole body began to relax now that his stomach had something in it. Perhaps he'd even be able to sleep tonight and soothe the new pounding pain in his head._

_One of the men asked him suddenly, "Was it good?"_

_Levi was taken aback, and was immediately suspicious, but he answered honestly, "Yes master. It was good. Thank you."_

" _Should we cook it this way from now on for you?"_

" _Erm, if you'd like to master. Yes, it was, um, tender. Thank you master."_

_The one in the eyepatch nodded in contemplation. "Yes, I figured she would be."_

_Levi's thoughts screeched to a halt. "M-Master?"_

_The man shrugged, and his grin grew even bigger. "Kate. Gave you part of her ass. Figured it might taste the best and be the softest. You should count yourself lucky that you got the choice cut."_

_But Levi didn't hear anything beyond the man telling him the name of the poor woman he had just consumed, because high pitched white noise filled his ears, and revulsion filled him so rapidly that he didn't have time to stop himself from sticking his fingers down his throat and forcing himself to vomit. Tears streamed down his cheeks as the sounds of his painful retching echoed loudly in the quiet room, and he didn't stop until nothing came up but bile. Once he was finished, he felt so weak that his arms folded under his weight and collapsed back onto his mattress, shaking and sweating and sick in body and spirit._

_The two men smirked down at him, and the one in the eyepatch said, "I wouldn't have done that if I were you. If you don't lick that up, you're not getting anything to eat for a week."_

_Levi just stared at him helplessly, eyes still shining with tears, face covered in a sheen of sweat, and his stomach still rolling with revulsion. His captor shrugged and told him, "Your choice. We're not leaving until you make up your mind."_

_The boy deliberated for a bit, his heart sinking, and his stomach simultaneously churning at the notion of eating that meat for a second time and aching at the thought of going even longer without food. He shook and whined with indecision, hating himself for being torn over such a thing when the answer should be obvious. It_ was _obvious. And yet his captors were being so cruel…he pulled at his hair, more tears running down his face as he crawled forward, braced himself, and began lapping up the meat off the floor. His captors nodded with approval._

" _Good pig," one of them praised. "You're on the right track. We'll make a loyal, submissive bitch out of you yet."_

_The tears didn't stop the entire time he cleaned up his mess, nor did his apologies to the poor woman who had met her untimely end at the hands of these monsters._

Levi woke in a daze with nausea broiling harshly in his stomach, so harshly in fact that it not only woke him up, but told him if he didn't get out of bed at that very moment and get to the bathroom, he was going to make a mess all over his carpet. So, he stumbled out of bed on shaky limbs, navigating his way through his pitch black house, and he only managed to cross the threshold of his bathroom, flick on the light with trembling fingers, and kneel in front of the toilet, before his dinner came burning back up his throat.

He felt like he sat there for hours, hugging the toilet bowl and riding through waves of nausea. It was as if he could still feel the meat sliding down his throat and sitting heavily in his stomach, and the knowledge of what it meant just made him feel sicker to the point that he even started dry heaving when there was nothing left to come up. But because of that, it had been many years before Levi had attempted to eat meat again, and even then, he stayed away from anything resembling the texture of ground hamburger or the taste of pork, because it reminded him the most of the taste of the meat back then. Even now, he'd go through periods where those flashbacks would resurface and he wouldn't be able to eat meat for a while. Now, he figured as he feebly flushed the toilet and caught the sight of his half-digested steak dinner, he was going to be going through another one of those dry spells.

Sighing, Levi finally rinsed out his mouth and decided his stomach felt steady enough for him to leave the bathroom. He couldn't say the same for his limbs though. They were still trembling, and his head felt unbearably dizzy. But he couldn't keep laying here on the uncomfortable floor, no matter how cool the tile felt on his heated skin. But he didn't know how he was going to get off the floor; he felt as weak as a newborn lamb. Levi sighed, wishing dearly that this could have been like the last this had happened, when he had a shoulder to lean on, a lap to rest his head on, and gentle fingers to stroke through his damp hair. Instead, he had the ringing silence and the sharp stench of his own vomit and sweat to accompany him.

Eventually, he sat up, first gripping the toilet to help himself stand, and then leaning against the wall and moving along it. Levi knew he couldn't go back to bed right now; it was too dark and lonely in there. So, he decided to head into the living room, but not before he stumbled weakly first into his bedroom to grab the spare pillow on his bed, and then into the living room, holding the wall for support the entire way, before eventually plopping down on his couch. He then turned on the lamp beside the couch and then the t.v, hugging the pillow to his chest, burying his nose in it and waiting for the mindless noise of the television to distract him.

But it didn't.

It had been three weeks now, three weeks since he had been on his own. It had been alright for the first week. He had even begun to get used to the silence again. He hadn't liked it, but he had begun to adjust to it. But then the nightmares had kicked in, and they had kicked in hard, violently throwing him out of his sleep almost every night. Granted, even when Eren had been here, he had still had bad dreams, but the boy had been able to work his magic and calm him down enough so that he could go back to sleep again. Now, he didn't have a hope of settling down for the rest of the night. He couldn't will away the fear as long as it was dark. Only Eren had been able to help him with that.

Levi sighed again, exhausted, frustrated, and still terribly heartsick. Granted, Petra had kept her promise and had been calling Eren at least once a week every week since he had been at Hutchings and keeping Levi up to date on his progress, but that only soothed him so much. He hugged his pillow closer to his chest. Eren's scent was almost gone from it; he could only pick up the barest traces of him now, but he still buried his nose in it desperately, hoping to find the boy's scent so that it would calm him down. The fact that it was almost gone only served to make him more frightened, because it was just another testament to how long Eren had been gone already.

Eventually, he gave up, but didn't let go of the pillow, needing _something_ to hold since Eren wasn't here. He also reached up and gripped the boy's pendant, which he still hadn't taken off since Eren had given it to him. He kept holding it as he curled up and laid down, tucking his knees to his chest and willing the bad images out of his head, trying instead to call up every good memory of Eren comforting him that he possibly could: Eren holding him so tightly when he was scared that he could feel every breath the boy took, Eren's soft, barely there voice after coming down from an orgasm as he told Levi how much he meant to him, Eren nuzzling his nose into his neck and breathing warm, moist breaths on his skin. Eren singing in his kitchen and trying to get Levi to dance with him when he seemed down, and Eren reassuring him at the beach under the perfect sunset that he would stay with Levi always. But the more he thought about them, the more distant they seemed, as if they had happened much longer ago than they actually had, and that scared Levi. He had to remind himself that Eren had been here at the beginning of the month. He _had._ He had snuggled in Levi's bed, sat on this very couch, dusted this very room, and walked these very halls. His voice had soothed Levi through his moments of panic, and he called it up to do so now, to ease his hammering heart. His own panic only made him more frightened, starting up a vicious cycle.

He whined in frustration, wanting Eren and his voice so badly that it was a physical ache he felt all the way to his bones. He needed the boy, needed him to the point where it was all he could think about. Eren was the only thing that could make him feel better, and Levi couldn't have him. He once again itched to call the hospital in a desperate attempt to get them to connect him to Eren, just so he couldn't hear the boy's voice. Even if he could just hear him talk for a minute or two, he was sure it would be enough. Enough for Eren to reassure him that he was right there and that everything was okay, _it's okay, Levi, I'm here. I've got you. It was just a dream, and it can't hurt you anymore, right? I'll protect you. You don't have to be brave all the time, okay? You can let go and I'll take care of you._

Levi didn't realize he was crying until he saw the wet spots appear on his pillow, and he didn't even have the will to wipe his tears off his face. He just let the grief sit heavily in his chest, and again helplessly wished for some miracle that would bring Eren home again. He wanted to be able to bury his face in the boy's chest and hide from the world that had been so cruel to him, and once again reestablish that Eren was his world now, because only when he discovered that, did the world seem beautiful and meaningful to him again.

"Eren," he whispered, hugging his pillow tighter, "you were right. We can't do this. We can't be brave without each other. God, we're pathetic aren't we? But I don't care anymore. I'm just so tired, and I want you home. I _need_ you. It's not fair that we have to go through another day without each other. It's not fair that you can't be here today when you were so excited about it. It's not fair…"

His heart only sank more when the only reply he received was the low drone of the t.v, and a breeze that made the walls of his house creak slightly. The reminder of how cold it was outside only served to make him feel lonelier, because it reminded him that when he did grow cold, there would be no warm body to huddle against, no other set of thighs for him to stick his feet under, and no one for him to roll his eyes as they built a blanket fort in the living room, only for him to join them in said blanket fort after being unable to resist the impressive set of puppy eyes that were sent his way. Levi wiped his eyes with his palm, got up from the couch and turned off the t.v. He then made his way over to the tree and turned it on, running a finger over the corgi ornament once it was illuminated by the white lights, and then making his way into the kitchen to turn on the lights and the radio. Happy Christmas music was soon droning lowly in the room, and he turned on his oven. He wasn't going back to sleep any time soon, and figured there was no harm in making use of that fact and starting on the desert he was going to bring over to Petra's later that afternoon for dinner. The fact that it was four in the morning was of little consequence. The sooner he started the day, the fast it would be over with, and the pain might go away if he busied himself with something. It did, but only slightly, for nothing could completely cover up the gaping emptiness he felt at not having his boy by his side today, of all days.

It was both Christmas and his birthday, after all.

000

At around noon, after a failed attempt at a nap and several hours of deliberating on whether or not he even wanted to go, Levi found himself standing outside of Petra's door with the pie in his hands. He didn't stand outside the door for more than a couple of moments before Petra was opening the door with a wide, excited smile, wearing a festive sweater with reindeer on it. The warm smell of gingerbread met his nose, and he heard the conversation and laughter of people already coming from inside the house.

"Hey you," she greeted, "Come on in."

Levi stepped inside silently, letting her take the pie after she closed the door behind him and put it in the kitchen. She came back as he was pulling off his boots, and he asked, "Eld and everyone else already here?"

"You know it," she said, "And you know that they've already broken open the wine and scotch."

Levi just shook his head at an excited rise in the chatter, somewhat soothed by the familiar voices of his co-workers and their cheerfulness. Once he stood up again, she took his coat from him and hung it up on the already full coat rack. However, once his face came into the light, and she got a good look at it, her expression immediately melted into one of deep concern.

"Levi, you look so tired," she observed softly.

He shrugged, already knowing how deep the shadows under his eyes were.

"Oh, baby," she clucked, placing a hand on his shoulder and looking him in the eye, "Are you…are they as bad as before? The dreams? They're what's keeping you up at night, aren't they."

It wasn't a question, of course. She already knew. He nodded, figuring there was no point in lying to her. She added in a softer, gentler tone, "It's because Eren is gone, isn't it?"

Levi sighed heavily, and that was all the answer she needed. "Sweetheart," she cooed sympathetically, and then pulled him into an embrace. He stiffened for a moment, and then accepted it, melting at the warmth and care she was showing him and hugging her back, setting his chin on her shoulder. He almost wanted to cry all over again, especially when he remembered how badly he wanted to be held this morning. He probably would have started to if he didn't catch sight of a pair of inquisitive brown eyes over Petra's shoulder, and the girl they belonged to standing about a foot away. He backed up out of the embrace, and Petra followed his gaze, only to break into a smile when she saw where he was looking.

"This your new case?" he asked with a kind smile in the girl's direction.

Petra left him to walk over to her and place a hand on her shoulder. "Mhmm. This is Sasha. Sasha, this is Levi, another member of the Wings of Freedom and a good friend of mine. He's not as scary as he looks, I promise."

Levi rolled his eyes, and then said sincerely to the girl, "It's nice to meet you. I'm glad you found us, Sasha."

She nodded, and then told him, "Me too. It's nice here, and Petra has been so kind to me."

"Oh, aren't you a sweetheart," Petra said, patting her head, and then looked closely at her face. "Sasha, is that frosting on your lips?"

She went ramrod straight, her eyes widening comically as she denied, "No! I-I came in here to tell you the cookies are done and wanted to know if you wanted to help frost them! I haven't even opened the frosting yet!"

Levi held back a snort, now seeing the very obvious glob of white frosting at the corner of Sasha's lip. Petra simply sighed, "Alright, sure, we'll join you in a minute." And then she called after Sasha as she dashed excitedly back into the kitchen, "And leave at least some cookies for us to frost!"

She shook her head fondly at the girl and walked back over to Levi, who told her, "She seems nice. A little nervous, but I expected that."

Petra agreed, "Oh she is, she's a sweet girl. She was much more nervous when I first brought her here, but ever since I let her help me bake some banana bread her first week here, she's come right out of her shell. She loves baking, I mean, she's really passionate about it. I haven't had to go into my own kitchen in weeks because she enjoys making us things so much. And eating half of the ingredients as she goes, of course."

"How old is she?" Levi wanted to know.

"Fifteen," Petra answered.

"Really? She looks so much younger."

"Probably because she's still so thin," she explained, "She was a lot thinner when I first brought her here. Starved by her family, given crazy punishments by her mother, beaten by her almost constantly while her siblings and stepfather did nothing to stop it. I spent the whole first week just reassuring her that she wasn't going to be hit for spilling water on the counter and that the fridge wasn't going to be locked so that she could eat whenever she wanted. Sound familiar?"

"Yeah," Levi said distantly, Eren's face flashing briefly in his mind, "Yeah, it definitely does."

Petra briefly rubbed his arm, giving him a sympathetic look once more, before saying, "Alright then. Let's go and help Sasha in the kitchen, someone has to prevent her from snarfing all the cookies before they even get frosted."

Levi agreed and followed behind her, thankful for the distraction.

He had fun working in the kitchen with his friend and her new case, who came out of her shell the longer they worked, even gathering up the courage to dab frosting on the end of Levi's nose before darting away while Petra snickered into her hand, before she received frosting on her nose as well. He even had fun sitting in the living room with his coworkers and drinking wine with them, though he didn't speak much; he just enjoyed their company. However, after a while, whether it was due to his lack of sleep or just his overall saddened mood, Levi began to feel drained. Irritation began to swell in him even, especially when he saw how happy everyone else appeared to be. He was sure they had been informed of his situation, and they were trying their hardest not to mention the subject, but it was just so apparent that that was what they were doing that it only served to make Levi more annoyed. He could feel himself on the verge of snapping, too exhausted to keep his emotions in check.

But Petra, bless her, had been keeping an eye on him all night, and seemed to notice how tense he was getting, because once the last of the gifts had been exchanged, she leaned over Levi and whispered, "Come with me. You look like you could use a break."

Levi just blinked up at her as she announced to everyone, "We'll be back in a minute. Sasha, leave at least _some_ candy in the candy dish for everyone."

Sasha, whose cheeks were already puffed out from the dozen or so pieces she had stuffed in her mouth, pulled her hand back from the dish with a disappointed groan.

Levi followed Petra until they reached her room. She ushered him inside and turned on the light, before heading over to her closet and pulling out two wrapped packages and a card. She returned to the bed with them, sitting down, and Levi sat down with her. She placed the presents in front of him, explaining somberly, "You looked like you could use these. They're from Eren."

The man sucked in a breath softly. He looked up at her briefly, before reaching forward, brushing his fingers against the paper reverently, before he took the card first, opening it with trembling fingers. When he pulled it out of the envelope, he saw that it was one of those fancy, sparkly pop-up cards that opened to reveal a cat playing in the snow wearing a scarf, glitter accents in the snow sticking to his fingers. He smiled briefly at it, before flipping it over to read the message written on the back, his heart already pounding with anticipation.

" _Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, Levi! There's so much I want to say, but there's just not enough room on these tiny cards, so I'll just say that I'm so excited to be spending my first Christmas in a long time with you. I know it'll be awesome, because you make everything we do awesome, and I can't thank you enough. You just make me so happy that I can't put it into words. So thank you for everything you've done for me, and I hope we get to spend many more Christmases together._

_Love you lots you grumpy pricklebush :)_

_Eren_

Levi had to struggle to hold his tears back, even though he was smiling as well. He did allow himself a moment to mourn the fact that Eren had thought at the time he had written this card that they'd be spending their Christmas together, just like Levi had. He took a deep breath, and took the first present, which was a small, heavy object, only slightly bigger than his hand. Petra watched as he opened it, and then watched the wonder unfold on his face when he saw that what he was holding now was a chunk of amethyst. At least a dozen purple crystals sparkled up at him from where they were imbedded in the rock. He tilted it several times, watching the crystals reflect the light.

"We went to a gem show," Petra explained, "and he picked that out for you. Said it was your favorite kind of gemstone, and of course he just had to pick the biggest chunk he could find."

"Of course he did," Levi said fondly, already telling himself he was putting this piece of amethyst right on his nightstand when he got home.

He gently set it aside, before picking up the second present. It felt like and was shaped like a picture frame, so he immediately began to wonder what Eren could have possibly given him a picture of. When the paper fell away and he processed the face that stared back at him through the glass, Levi froze and gasped softly. The distant sounds of laughter and conversation in the living room fell away, and everything became deathly quiet and still to Levi's ears. It couldn't be. He had to be dreaming, because he hadn't seen this face anywhere but in his dreams for fifteen years.

Petra smiled sadly, and placed a comforting hand on his knee. "We went to every library in the area looking for that picture. Eren spent hours on the computer and flipping through yearbooks. He absolutely refused to give up. And then boom, one day, at one of the bigger libraries with the more advanced databases, her name popped up in his search results, and so did that picture. I think it was in her high school yearbook."

Levi ran his fingers lightly and reverently over the glass above where Kuchel Ackerman's face stared back at him, mesmerized. Petra continued, "You know, I asked Eren near the beginning of his search, 'How will you know when you've found Levi's mom? You've never seen a picture of her.' And he just told me, 'I'll know. He told me he looks just like her.' And, Jesus, yeah, he was right. You really are the spitting image of your mother."

Levi shook his head, still in disbelief, and murmured distantly, "I told him once I didn't have any pictures of my mom."

She squeezed his knee. "Hence why he wanted to find one so badly for you."

He sniffed, feeling tears earnestly pricking at his eyes. He just couldn't believe it. His mother looked so young and innocent in the picture, even though by that point she probably had started to get into prostitution. But even so, she looked happy, and Levi finally had physical proof that she had been real, instead of just a figure that existed only in his memories. He shook his head again, saying to himself, "Stupid kid. He didn't have to…this is why I don't deserve him."

"No," Petra refuted, "This is exactly why you do. And actually Levi, I do have on last present for you. This one is from Erwin though."

Levi looked up at her, gently setting the picture down. He then observed, "Yeah, where is he? He usually doesn't miss these parties."

She said, "He emailed me this morning, told me he figured you were still angry with him and he didn't want to make you hurt any more than you already were by showing up here."

He nodded in agreement. "That was probably wise on his part."

"But he also told me," she continued, "that today as a Christmas present, he would give you special permission to call Eren today."

Levi's thoughts screeched to a halt, and his eyes widened. His tongue felt thick in his mouth, which is probably why his next words came out a little jumbled. "He said…Erwin, he…what?"

"He said you could call him," Petra repeated, grinning, "I figured I would tell you after you finished opening his presents so that you could tell Eren what you thought of them when you did call."

Well, Levi nearly tore through his pants pocket wrenching his phone out of it, and after Petra told him the number, she patted his knee and told him, "Good luck, honey. I'm sure he's just as excited to hear from you as you are to hear from him."

That was the understatement of the century.

Once she left, she shut the door behind her, giving him some privacy, and he silently thanked her. He then tremulously entered the hospital's number and pressed the call button, and it was then that he noticed his arms were shaking slightly, so excited and nervous at the same time that he couldn't contain it. The anticipation nearly killed him as the phone rang and the hospital at last picked up. He told them he wanted to speak to Eren, and after they told him to wait a moment, his excitement sparked again, and he had to place a hand over his chest to keep his heart from pounding so painfully.

However, his heart seemed to stop completely when he heard it, that unsure, hopeful, "Hello?" at the other end, and Levi could have wept from relief alone as he at last got to hear what he most craved to this morning. Eren, his Eren, was here at last.

"Eren," he breathed, "Hey kid. It's Levi. I called to wish you a Merry Christmas."

"Levi?" the boy gasped, as if he hardly dared to believe it, "Levi, oh my God! Hey, hi! Oh my God, Levi. Wait, I thought that Erwin said we couldn't…"

"He gave me special permission for today, with it being Christmas and all."

"Oh." Eren still sounded like he could hardly believe this was happening, and in reality he was practically vibrating with a million questions on the other end. Petra had kept him up to date on Levi as well, but it simply wasn't the same. He settled on saying softly, "I missed you so much. I'm so glad they let you talk to me today."

"I know," Levi agreed, "But we don't have long. These stupid hospital phones have those time limits on their calls. So I'll say first that I called you to thank you for my presents. They were perfect, Eren. I nearly broke down in front of Petra when I opened that picture of my mom. I can't thank you enough for giving me that. I honestly never thought I'd see her face again. If I were there, I'd probably hug you so hard you'd be feeling it for days and kiss you silly."

Eren laughed. "It was no problem. I'm glad you liked it, and I would take that hug and kiss very happily."

Levi smiled sadly. "I know kid. You know, I woke up this morning really wanting to hear your voice, and I can't believe I actually got to hear it today."

"You did?" he replied, "I did too. I…I had a bad dream this morning, and more than anything, I wanted you here. I hated it. I was so freaked out that I didn't go back to sleep."

"Oh Eren," he breathed, "I'm sorry. I wish I could have been there too. If it makes you feel any better, I woke up with a bad dream too. That's why I wanted to hear your voice. Aw Eren, we're a mess aren't we? I…oh Eren…"

"I wish I could be there," Eren said, "I was so excited about spending Christmas with you guys. Like, why did they have to take me now? My roommate that I'm getting, they waited to bring him up until after the holidays. It's not fair."

Levi gripped the phone a little tighter. "I know it's not. I know. But hey, how are things going up there lately? I know Petra told me that you're adjusting okay, but I want to hear it from you."

"Oh yeah, yeah," the boy told him, "Well, yeah, things aren't as bad now. Getting used to the schedule, the appointments, the weird noises, the weird people. They're keeping me on my meds for now, and I guess we'll see if I need to change them. Haven't really connected with anyone yet. I guess I've been too nervous. And I know I should stop, but I can't help it. It's…it's all too much still. I still jump at loud noises. I still feel lonely and scared when they leave me alone at night. Things are getting easier, but they're still hard, if that makes sense."

"It does," Levi assured him.

"I know I need to be here. But I want to be home. I just want to hear your voice when I'm scared. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss the way you smell. I miss _you._ I miss the pine trees and the deer, and the quiet and everything else at home. I just… _Levi_ -

"Shh, shh," Levi hushed him, hearing tears leaking into his voice, and he could feel his own throat tightening in response to his sadness, "I know. I know you're frustrated. I am too, I feel everything you do. I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss how safe you make me feel at night. I need you too, Eren, and it's not _fair._ "

Just then, they heard the dial tone that warned them they had a minute and a half left to talk before the line would cut them off. Levi heard it, and his heart rate spiked in panic, and Eren reflected that panic when he suddenly started begging on the other line, "No, we can't be out of time already! Don't leave me, please don't leave. Please don't leave!"

The pain and desperation in his voice was breaking Levi all over again, and he felt tears sting his eyes and his held the phone a little tighter to his ear, as if it were Eren he was holding. He dearly wished he could hold him right now, comfort him with his arms and his kisses. But all he had was his voice.

"Shhh," he murmured, trying to cover up a sniff as his nose began to run, "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. I'd never leave you, Eren. I love you, remember? Which means I'll always be here for you."

Eren was crying in earnest now, soaking the phone receiver as he whimpered, "But I don't know when I'll hear from you again! I can't do this Levi! Please come and get me, I want to go home!"

Levi shut his eyes tightly, tears now slipping down his cheeks. "I know," he said, voice trembling, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry."

Eren sniffed and sobbed on the other end, clutching the phone as if it were his only lifeline, not wanting to go back to reality, because it would once again be devoid of Levi. For a moment, everything had been okay. He had been safe, and surrounded by the warm glow of love and protection because Levi was with him. But when he hung up the phone, it would be back to the uncertainties, the fear, and the cold loneliness that had been plaguing him.

The dial reminded them that they had less than a minute now, and Eren wiped his eyes furiously, though the tears kept coming. He then asked in a shaky, thick voice, "Levi?"

"Yeah?"

"Can...Can you sing for me? I've missed your songs so much, and I don't have the heart to say goodbye. Can you sing until-until..."

Levi's bottom lip quivered despite his best efforts, and he said, "S-Sure. What would you like me to sing?"

"Can you sing that song we sang together at the beach? The one about marriage?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I can sing that one."

He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, but knew he was going to sound terrible because of how tight his throat was, but he didn't care.

"I'll swim and sail on savage seas,

with ne'er a fear of drowning,

and gladly ride the waves of life

if you will marry me."

Eren closed his eyes as he listened, trying to block out all other sounds but the sound of Levi's voice. Instead, he heard the waves crashing upon the shore, heard children laughing in the background, felt the warmth of the sunset on his body. Granted, Levi was crying this time as he sang, but it was still Levi singing, to Eren, it was still beautiful.

"No scorching sun, nor freezing cold,

will stop me on my journey,

if you will promise me your heart

and love me for eternity."

Eren joined him with his part, a soft, sad murmur instead of a joyful declaration like he remembered it being. However, it made Levi smile to hear it all the same.

"My dearest one, my darling dear,

your mighty words astound me.

But I've no need of mighty deeds

when I feel your arms around me."

The older man's heart soared, and he almost felt Eren's breath on his face from when he had sung his verses with their foreheads pressed together and devotion sparkling down at him in his eyes. Back when their world had consisted of nothing but the two of them. He could only fervently pray that they would get to be like that again someday.

"But I would bring you rings of gold,

I'd even sing you poetry.

And I would keep you from all harm,

if you would stay beside me."

"I have no use for rings of gold,

I care not for your poetry.

I only want your hand to hold"-

_You have reached the end of your call limit._

Levi sat there on the bed, the busy signal ringing in his ear, still squeezing the phone up to his ear with everything he was worth. As almost an afterthought, he murmured the next line of the song, a soft prayer expressing what he wanted most in the world at that very moment.

"I only want you near me."

He then hit the end call button on his phone and lowered it to the bed. Instead, he leaned forward, hiding his face in his hands and letting himself cry quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "sing for me." Thanks for being so patient with me guys! The semester is almost over and then I get a two week break, so expect some more updates then!


	27. Hoffnung im Herzen des Winters

"Are we there yet?"

"Sasha, he literally lives less than five minutes away," Petra breathed a laugh, amused at how eager she was. The girl was practically bouncing in her seat in the car.

"I know, but you guys have been so mysterious about this whole thing, and then you said there's food involved, and how can you not expect me to get excited over that?" Sasha fixed her with bright, eager eyes, tugging slightly on her seatbelt in anticipation.

Petra smiled. "True. Alright, now, see, there's Levi's house coming up right now. Was that so hard?"

Sasha rolled her eyes, but nonetheless didn't even wait until the car stopped before she was unbuckling her seatbelt. She had been at Petra's for only a little over a month, and she was finally feeling strong enough, and just beginning to feel confident enough, to venture outside of the house and do something fun. Granted, the amount of fun things they could do in January was limited, and today was of course colder than a witch's tit, but Petra was happy to see that it didn't seem to dampen her spirits one bit. And truthfully, Petra was happy that she had an excuse to visit Levi at all.

She had tried to visit him as often as she could, or have Levi visit her. But with Sasha as her new top priority, she couldn't see him as often as she'd like to, and while her friend understood, she still felt bad, like she was letting him down somehow. Especially when she knew Levi needed her now more than ever, and she felt as if he was getting worse.

Even more troubling, she thought Sasha was beginning to pick up on her distress; the girl had very fine instincts, and was very good at reading people. She had to be, as she always had to be sensitive to her mother's moods to see if she was going to snap or if she was calm that day. Even now, Sasha noticed Petra pausing, and she hesitantly placed her hand on top of hers.

"Hey, everything will be fine," she said.

Petra just fixed her with a surprised look, wondering just how much she knew, but she got her answer a moment later when Sasha shrugged. "He's got you, doesn't he? I may not have known you as long as he as, but even from just spending this past month from you, you've helped me so much. You've got some kind of special powers, I swear. You always seem to know what a person needs and you give it to them in just the way they need it."

Petra just laughed. "Well I don't know about special powers, but that's sweet of you. Thank you. I'm glad you believe in me."

"I do," the girl insisted, "And you know, I'll help however I can. I…I know what it's like to feel like you have no one to help you. I don't want anyone to feel like that if I can help it."

Her eyes softened, and she reached over to ruffle Sasha's hair slightly, saying, "You're very kind, Sasha."

Sasha blushed, smiling softly, before she said, "Okay, now the sooner I get out of this car, the sooner I get to this food."

Petra chuckled again, and hopped out of the car the same time Sasha did, slamming the door behind her, and said to herself, "Well technically the food isn't for you."

Luckily Sasha didn't hear her, and instead traipsed up to the front door of Levi's house, tucking her hands into the pockets of her huge winter jacket, and waited for Petra to join her. Once she did, Petra rang the doorbell, and the two of them waited expectantly. However, after a few minutes, they didn't receive an answer.

"Hmm," Petra frowned, "Let me try again."

She did so, and they gave it another couple of minutes. Still nothing.

"Okay then." Petra lifted her keys and inserted one into the knob, and as she turned it, she explained, "Levi gave me one of his spare house keys."

The girl nodded in comprehension, and followed her into the house, closing the door behind them once they stepped into the entryway.

"Levi?" Petra called out, "You here?"

No answer, and when the two of them were quiet for a moment, they heard the t.v playing in the living room. Petra nodded to Sasha, who nodded back, and the older woman slipped off her shoes quickly, knowing how crazy Levi would get if she dared to track slush into his house. She left her coat on and left Sasha to stand hesitantly in the entryway, craning her neck so she could see around the slight wall that blocked some of the living room from her view.

Luckily, when Petra made her way further into the living room, it didn't take long for her to see why Levi hadn't answered the door, or answered her when she called out for him. Her face softened when she saw that he was on the couch, curled up on his side among a mess of blankets and sheets, fast asleep, his breaths coming out soft and even. However, the blankets were haphazardly thrown around him, and he was for the most part laying on top of them. Given that and the fact that he was the one who had invited them over in the first place, told her that he had fallen asleep by accident.

But the dark shadows under his eyes told her whether or not he meant to do it, it was bound to happen at some point.

Making a split decision, she looked back to Sasha, whispered to her, "Stay there, I'll be right back," and waited for the girl to nod before she padded into the rest of the house.

Petra made her way down the hallway, feeling a bit nosy and rude for snooping through her friend's house without his knowing, but she reasoned with herself that she wanted to help him. He was hurting, and the psychologist in her was looking for a viable solution to help ease that hurt. So first, she poked her head in his room, and saw that his bed was in fact, yes, devoid of any sheets. However, only the pillow case on the left side was missing. Curious, she went back into the living room, and quickly ran her eyes over Levi once more when she reached his side again. Now that she noticed it, he had said pillow case held up by his nose, and the sheets from what looked like the left side of the bed. And when they started to slip down, even in his sleep, he worked to pull them back in place, nuzzling his nose into them again.

And then she understood. He was afraid to lose them, afraid of the sheets slipping away from his face. He needed them there because of the comfort they brought him. Because she reckoned that that was Eren's side of the bed, and Levi was clinging to the last traces of the boy's smell, if they were there at all. It might be the only thing that allowed him to get any sleep, and even then it probably only worked for a little while, if the lines under his eyes were any indication. He was slipping right back into the old habits he had when he had been living alone for a year, and her heart was breaking for him.

"Oh sweetie," she breathed.

It was then that Sasha joined her in the living room, her shoes gone but her coat still on as well, and when she saw Levi on the couch, she looked over at Petra with a mixture of empathy and a question in her eyes. Sasha knew about Levi's relationship with Eren; everyone in the Wings of Freedom did. But of course Petra had also begun to confide in Sasha sometimes as the girl recovered about just how worried about her friend she was, about how he was famous for his fits of insomnia when he was stressed, which prompted Sasha to ask her next question. "Should we go? Just let him rest and come back another time?"

Petra opened her mouth to reply, but before she could say a word, she was interrupted by a soft sound. Both she and Sasha's eyes were drawn down to the couch to see that the sound had come from Levi. His lips were moving, but he wasn't awake, as his eyes were still closed. He was also twitching periodically, his eyes moving rapidly under his lids. His breathing had picked up, and his eyebrows drew more together, stress clear in his expression. His hands clenched the sheets spasmodically.

"Help," he breathed, "Help me. I can't breathe. Help me…"

Petra and Sasha watched him for a moment, at a loss as to what they should do. Should they let him be, and wait for the nightmare to cease so that he could go settle down and go back to sleep? Or wake him up and pull him out of his bad dream?

Petra made the decision for them. She waited a moment, and when Levi only grew more agitated in his sleep, when his whimpers grew in volume and sweat began to shine on his forehead, she reached out and began to nudge his shoulder, trying to shake him awake.

"Levi," she called softly, "Levi, sweetie, it's me. Wake up, it's okay."

He flinched, sucked in a shuddering breath, but didn't wake. And then he whispered pathetically, "Eren. Eren, don't go. Eren, Eren."

His friend sighed. She had a feeling Eren was the source of his bad dream, and she couldn't say she was surprised that Levi was traumatized by the manner in which his boy had been taken away from him. Her chest felt tight as she shook him a little more firmly and said, "Wake up. It's alright. Eren's okay, Levi. He's…he's right here with you. Shh, come on now. Eren's right here."

Levi shuddered again, as if he was freezing cold, and that motion seemed to be what woke him at long last. His eyes opened slowly, and Petra saw that they were unfocused, and he was in fact still mumbling to himself, his brain still more asleep than awake and still stuck in his dream. Perhaps that's what prompted him to look up at Petra in confusion, and for his eyes to flick over to Sasha, before he asked, "Where is he?"

Petra shook her head, backing away slightly to give him room. "I'm sorry, Levi. He's still at Hutchings, remember?"

Levi blinked a few times, before his mind seemed to clear and he sighed heavily. He then sat up on the couch, rubbing one eye tiredly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you trouble, or fall asleep waiting for you. Last night was, um, rough, and I didn't sleep much."

I'll say, especially if you're admitting it, his friend wanted to tell him, but she kept her mouth shut. Instead, she said kindly, "If you want, we can come back another time."

"No, no," he replied immediately, standing up stiffly and running a hand through his hair, "No, I promised Sasha we could do this tonight. It'd be silly to cancel just because of my own stupid crap that I can deal with fine on my own."

Sasha piped up, "It's okay, I don't mind. I'd understand if you didn't want"-

"Sasha, it's alright," Levi said, not unkindly, and he smiled at her softly. "Old men like me usually have trouble sleeping. Now come on, I'll get the bag of carrots from the kitchen. You guys just get your shoes on and I'll be out in a second."

He retreated into the kitchen without another word, even as Petra and Sasha opened their mouths to argue again. They looked at each other one last time, Petra's brows upturned in worry, and Sasha shaking her head helplessly. If Petra didn't know what to do to help someone she had known for years, Sasha definitely didn't have the answer.

Levi returned a moment later, bag of carrots in hand, but eyes still bloodshot, despite the fact that he was acting more awake than he was a few minutes ago. They then quickly busied themselves putting their shoes back on, trying not to act like a silent conversation about him had just passed between them. And luckily, Levi either didn't notice, or just didn't care, because he didn't mention their behavior. Instead, he worked on putting on his own coat and shoes, before holding the door open for them both of them, telling them to watch their step as they walked down the pathway.

Soon, they were heading into the backyard, trudging through the snow and each one of them sinking in up to their knees as they did so. Each one of them fell at least once, leaving the other two to laugh at their expense. Well, Levi didn't laugh, so much as snort and shake his head, but it was still something. And more than anything, it warmed Petra's heart to see it.

And soon enough, in the orange light of the sinking sun, the deer appeared from the woods, and picked their way over to the trio when Levi encouraged Sasha to take one of his carrots and roll it over to them. He handed the girl and Petra each a handful of carrots and then stood back to watch, smiling. It was all so painfully familiar; Sasha's utter delight at seeing the deer crunching down on the carrots in her hands, Petra's little happy gasps as one ate from her palm while another stole a carrot from her pocket. Sasha fending off a persistent doe when the girl herself began to chew on the end of one of the carrots, Petra letting one nibble on her coat while she scratched hesitantly at the top of its head. He saw their smiles, heard their laughter, and yet all his mind's eye could see was Eren. All he could feel was the memory of the pride he had felt back then. Pride for Sasha sure, for continuing to open up, but pride mostly for when he remembered his boy, and how happy Levi had felt back then, for that had been a major step for helping Eren get better. And he had promised him that they would do this again this winter…

Levi sighed quietly, hoping they wouldn't notice. He swallowed hard, and focused on a point above the horizon, closing his eyes and letting the last rays of the sun warm his face. If there was anything he had learned over the years, it was that his hope was a fragile creature. But he had to hold onto it now more than ever. He had to hope that someday, somehow, Eren would be back to join the three of them in doing things like this. He had to hope that he wouldn't feel this despondent forever, because Eren would make it better. He was amazingly special like that.

So, Levi lifted his head a little higher, and dared to feed that little creature called hope inside him, dared to let it grow stronger, and dared to let it lighten his spirits, even just a little bit.

000

That same evening, hundreds of miles away, Eren was also watching the sun set. However, he was watching it from the window in his room, and his chin was placed in his palm. His eyes roved across the horizon, searching for something he knew he'd never find, but still pretended he could every day. His mountains were out there somewhere, he told himself. If he could just find them, he'd be closer to home. And if he were closer to home, he could feel closer to Levi too. He wouldn't feel as isolated anymore. And at the moment, despite the fact that his new roommate and their shared nurse was in the room with him, he still felt lonely. It was a loneliness that seemed to follow him, to stay in his skin no matter what mood he was in. The fact that he knew how to get rid of it, but outside forces were preventing him from doing so only served to make him more frustrated with those that were trying to help him, and thus made him more snippy or just made him shut down altogether.

Kind of like what was happening now.

"Eren, you've hardly touched your dinner," his nurse, Annie, told him.

He ignored her, trying to lose himself in the winter scene outside. Trying to see himself playing in the snow, getting it all caught up in his boots. Trying to feel the blissful cold making his nose and ears numb as he shoveled Petra's driveway with Levi, the other man with snow settling in his hair, how sweet and chilly the air had been, how welcoming and freeing it had felt after a decade of imprisonment.

"Eren," Annie repeated, more firmly, now standing by his side, "Did you hear me? Your dinner."

"I heard you," he grumbled, "Do you want a fucking trophy for noticing?"

His roommate, a kid around his age named Jean, was currently reading a book of his, but Eren heard him snort quietly at his comment.

"You need to eat so you can take your medicine," she explained.

"I know," Eren replied curtly.

"You didn't eat your lunch either today. Or your breakfast."

"I know."

"Why?"

"I'm not hungry."

She sighed. "I think you are. You're just being stubborn. Your therapists say so too."

Eren didn't reply, trying to tune her out and lose himself again. He began to repeating his mantra to keep the swell of irritation down, and to imagine he was in a better place than this one.

"Why aren't you eating?" she asked insistently. "Why do you go through periods of this?"

Eren huffed bitterly, and still refusing to look at her, said, "How about this? I'll start eating again if you let Levi visit me."

She frowned. "We've been over this. You know why we can't do that."

"Well, I'd be doing a lot better if Erwin would take the cactus out of his ass and let me see him."

Annie reminded him, "You're being isolated"-

"-isolated from him to grow, I need to learn how to stand on my own, oh my God, I get it! Except it's not working!"

"It would work if you would just open yourself up to the treatment."

"I don't want to!" Eren yelled, "I want to fucking go home! Now unless you're going to tell me that's where I'm going in the next five seconds, please fuck off, I don't want to hear it anymore!"

He heard Annie sigh heavily, before she left his side. She stopped at the doorway, said, "I'm going to be back in fifteen minutes. If you haven't at least tried to pick at your dinner by the time I come back, you're losing time in the rec room tomorrow."

After she left, Eren mumbled, "Like I care."

That was when Jean piped up, "Holy shit. You showed her, didn't you?"

Eren frowned deeply. "Oh what do you care? What does anyone in this place care?"

He slumped forward and returned his gaze back out the window again, resting his forehead against the glass as he said, half to himself, "The only people who care about me are at home."

"Hey man, I get it," Jean said, looking back down at his book again, "It wasn't my idea to come here either. I didn't do it for me. I don't give a shit about myself. I'm doing it for the only person in the world who actually gives a damn about me."

Eren sighed. "And who's that?"

"My boyfriend," Jean flipped a page, not really paying attention to what he was reading anymore. "My life had been full of shitty people who have done and said shitty things to me, and he's the only one who hasn't. I'll never be worthy of him, but part of me is here so I can work on getting my mind straight and start paying back his kindness. I just want to make him proud of me."

Eren's mouth quirked up slightly in a half smile. "I want Levi to be proud of me too."

"But it's hard, isn't it?" Jean said, "It's hard being away from them day after day, swallowing these pills that make you feel like shit and trying to sleep in a place full of screaming crazies. Fuck, sometimes I miss my quiet bed at home with Marco so much that I could spit."

Eren nodded absently. He tried very hard not to think of how empty and cold he felt at night without Levi holding him close, without his reassuring breaths in his ear, or the smell of his skin in his nose. He tried not to think about all the times he started awake at night here, his bad dreams breaking through his sleep meds, choking on his own tears while he searched the dark room desperately for Levi, fully prepared to dive into his arms and start crying out his pain, only to find that of course he was still at Hutchings, and still utterly alone. He blinked hard, feeling his eyes begin to sting.

"I just can't eat," Eren admitted, "I'm too strung out. And maybe if I don't eat and keep demanding that they let me see Levi, maybe they really will bring him to me."

Jean shrugged. "I doubt it. Besides, you don't want to make yourself sick and make it so you have to stay here longer, do you?"

"I don't care." Eren bit his lip, "I don't care about anything but him."

The other boy finally put down his book and was about to reply, when Eren cut him off.

"My therapist is saying I'm codependent on Levi," he said softly, "that basically I'm more dependent on him than any normal person is on their partner. That I rely on him for love that I should be getting from many different sources. Maybe that's true, but I could give less of a shit. I just know that when I'm with him, I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel happy. Those are three things I hadn't felt in years, and suddenly I was feeling that all at once. And I made him feel the same way. We understand each other in ways no one else does. If this is codependency, then fine. I don't want to make it go away if it makes me this happy."

Jean blinked a couple of times, absorbing what he said, before replying, "You really are messed up, aren't you?"

Eren raised and lowered his shoulders in a shrug. "Never said I wasn't."

"You know that's never going to get you out of here, don't you? Acting out isn't going to work. Trust me, I know."

"I know you know," Eren snipped, "I heard you screaming at the nurses your first day here. I saw you give one a bloody nose and get tossed into solitary."

"Have you been to solitary yet?" the other boy asked.

"No."

"Then trust me when I say you very much don't want it. Especially you, from what you've told me of how you got in here. This place already makes you feel lonely enough. You don't want to amplify the feeling anymore."

Eren groaned and finally turned to face Jean. "You know what, I fucking hate you. Why do you have to be right?"

Jean snorted derisively. "The world must be ending if the depressed alcoholic with mood swings and anger issues is acting as the voice of reason."

The boy asked him, "I suppose now you're going to further the apocalypse by telling me I should eat my dinner?"

"Well if you don't, I'll eat it."

"Ew, hell no, I'm not letting you touch my food, horse face."

"Then fucking eat it, shit stain."

Eren finally hauled himself away from the window and made his way over to his bed. He then sat down on it, and began to pick at his dinner. He wasn't lying when he said he wasn't hungry, but he managed to swallow at least a quarter of his meal. At least there was something in his stomach now so that he could take his meds.

"Hey Eren, can I ask you something?" Jean wondered as he put down his book and crawled under his blankets.

"Sure."

"Have you been waking up feeling really groggy and sore lately?"

Eren's face pinched in confusion. "Why?"

"Well, I have. Every morning for the past week. I wake up feeling half dead and lower body feeling like someone put it through a meat grinder."

Eren snorted. "Good lord, you're out of shape, aren't you?"

"Oh suck a dick."

"That's not much of a threat to someone who does that to his partner on a regular basis, genius."

Jean rolled his eyes and purposefully flopped down into bed, pulling the blankets over himself and ignoring Eren. That is, until the boy finally admitted, "I don't feel sore in the morning, but yeah, I feel groggy too. Maybe it's because we get up at six in the morning, or maybe because I'm on new stronger sleep meds."

"Could be," Jean agreed, "But I'm not on sleep meds."

Before Eren could mull that over, Annie returned to their room, gave the boy an approving nod, before she gave him his meds and accompanied him to brush his teeth. When they returned, she gave them the command for lights out, and Eren obediently hopped into bed, pulling his special blanket from home around his neck and shoulders and snuggling up tight with it. He also held his balsam pillow against his chest.

However, before he closed his eyes, he murmured, "Jean?"

"Mmm?" the other boy grunted, sounding more asleep than awake already.

"Thank you for what you said."

"Whatever," he grumbled, "Just get better so you can get out of here and quit annoying me."

Eren laughed to himself, before he closed his eyes, his heart feeling a little lighter for once as he drifted off to sleep that night. And for a moment, he had precious hope that somehow, he'd see home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "hope in the heart of winter."


	28. Am Rande

Yet, their dreams of hope didn't pan out as they hoped, for the worst was still to come.

By mid-March, Levi was pretty sure he had hit his breaking point.

One night that month, he was woken from a dead sleep by yet another horrible dream that he had had many times in the past. It was more of a flash back than a dream, really. Combined with the almost nonexistent amount of sleep Levi had been getting ever since Eren had left, and it was a great recipe to decrease his ability to tolerate them and push him every closer to the edge of that precipice of his sanity that he had been treading for most of his life.

His vision was terribly blurry when his eyes snapped open. He gasped harshly, like his head had just broken the surface of the water after several minutes deprived of oxygen, and the sound was sickening to his own ears. He sucked down air so quickly and so roughly that it hurt, and adrenaline was flooding his body hard. His heart was pounding in such a way that he knew immediately that his body was being gripped by a panic attack, and a horrible one at that. It didn't surprise him, but what frightened him more than anything was that he was alone. He couldn't breathe, couldn't hold onto any of the oxygen that he was sucking into his lungs, couldn't stop the adrenaline from making his muscles twitch or his heart hammer so hard, and couldn't stop the feeling of drifting away from his own body. He gripped at his chest, trying to massage the area over his heart in an effort to slow it down.

He reached over and turned on the lamp sitting on the stand next to his bed, his hands shaking so badly that it took him a few tries. He hoped that the light chasing away some of the darkness in his room would help to lessen the panic, but it did very little. His heart continued to beat hard, trying to shove itself in his throat and cut off his air even more. As a result, he could feel the mattress underneath him floating away, could feel his surroundings disappearing. He needed to ground himself quickly, needed to find something that would comfort him. He needed something to make him feel not so lonely, not so afraid. He needed-

Levi whined, a hint of frustration peeking through the immense panic. He knew what or rather who would chase away his fears, who he could hold onto so tightly that the pain in his arms from the action would hold him here in reality, and whose soft voice would clear his dream from his mind. This was what he had been afraid of since Eren had left; he had had panic attacks before, and no matter how small they always managed to cause a secondary wave of fear because he had been alone during them, and nothing was worse than being alone when you felt like you were dying.

He kept massaging his chest, trying to think through the adrenaline and call up his calming mantra. He thought of every happy memory that he could pull into the forefront of his mind; the flowers in the field bending in the breeze, Eren's smile as he stepped outside for the first time after his captivity. The cicadas chirping in the summer time, Eren trying to find them among the woods so he could find out how they made that sound. The fireflies floating in the front yard, Eren watching them land on his hand and his face lighting up as brightly as the bugs. Eren, Eren, Eren…

Levi became even more frightened the longer it went on. He quickly reached for the pillow that lay next to him on the bed, unwashed ever since Eren had last used it, and held it up to his nose. His breaths were shallow and rapid as he tried to search for his boy's scent, but after three months, it had long since faded. He let out a sob, devastated, and jerkily threw the blankets aside, before sliding out of bed. He had to get out of here, had to get away from the source of his bad dreams, his pain. He felt like he was drowning in darkness, and he had to find his sunshine. Half delirious with panic, exhaustion and fear, all he knew was that he had to find Eren. And if Eren wasn't here, then he had to be in his room.

He _had_ to be.

Levi staggered a few steps and leaned against the wall. His vision was blurring as his lungs continued to be deprived of air. He felt tears stinging his eyes. It was okay though. All he had to do was get to Eren's room, and the boy would be there. He would be there, sleepy, hair tousled, but would greet Levi with open arms and pull him down into his bed. He would shush and cuddle and squeeze him until the terror fled and he could breathe again. He would. Just a little further, and Eren would be there. So close, so close to that comfort, that embrace…the adrenaline was even easing slightly, the panic backing away in anticipation of the reassuring pair of arms that he knew he was about to dive into.

Levi sobbed with relief when he reached Eren's room, but when he looked up after fumbling with the switch to flip the lights on, he was reminded cruelly of his situation. The room was empty, the sheets neatly pressed, having been undisturbed for months. Levi shook his head in denial, and his heart began trying to shove itself into his throat again, his own breaths sickening in his ears as he wheezed. No, it couldn't be true. Eren had to be here, he just had to be! He couldn't leave Levi here to suffer like this, he would never do that.

Tears beading on his eyelashes, he stumbled over to the bed and flipped the blankets back, before crawling underneath them. He bunched them tightly around his shoulders, snuggling down up to his ears in the warmth, before squeezing his eyes shut tight. To his horror, after taking several, shallow breaths, he realized that Eren's scent wasn't here either. It was gone, even from his bed, where he had slept every night. No, no! This couldn't be happening! Eren had to be here, or some trace of him had to be. He had always been here when Levi sought out comfort from him in the past, why wasn't he here now? He needed him, he needed him so badly…he couldn't breathe, couldn't _breathe…_

He pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders, trying desperately to remember how it had felt in the past to have Eren embrace him in this very bed, how solid and warm his arms had felt, how his soothing voice had whispered in his hair as he talked Levi down from his most horrible dreams.

"Eren," he whimpered, "Eren, Eren. Come back, please come home. Don't leave me. I'll do anything, I'm sorry, just please come back. M'not strong. Not strong. Not without you."

He kept wheezing, and kept shaking, pulling the blankets tighter around his shoulders. It was the closest he could get to an embrace from his sunshine, and yet he still felt so utterly alone. The silence rang in his ears, broken only by his choked breaths and his racing thoughts. He couldn't even reach his phone to call for help, as he had left it in his room, and he dared not get up and leave the only meager source of comfort he had. That, and he wasn't sure he wouldn't collapse in a faint if he tried to get up again.

So all Levi could do was lay there, shiver, snivel like the coward he knew himself to be, and pray uselessly that his boy would come and save him, even though at this point, he thought bitterly, he had a better chance of seeing his mother again.

And sometimes he strongly wondered if that wouldn't be an easier, less painful option.

000

"Alright Sasha, I'm going now," Petra announced as she put on her coat, "I'll be right back. You sure you'll be okay?"

"What, for the fifteen minutes you'll be gone?" Sasha replied from her chair in the living room, not even looking away from the t.v, "I think I'll be fine."

Petra rolled her eyes, but was smiling nonetheless. She was glad Sasha was finally feeling comfortable enough here that she was fine with being left alone for longer periods of time, and that Petra finally trusted her enough that she was okay with doing so. Nonetheless, as she zipped up her coat, she said, "You have your phone?"

The girl held it up distractedly, and Petra nodded in approval. However, before she could head out the door, she heard her say, "Don't worry, he's going to love that banana bread. And the news you have for him."

Petra laughed. "Well, you helped to make it. And I hope so."

"He better like it," Sasha added, "He's too skinny. Skinnier than me right now. _Me._ Make him eat all of it, Petra."

"I will," she said, and then went outside. Once she shut the door behind her, she sighed unhappily to herself, and hopped in her car, trying not to think about how true Sasha's words were.

Once she arrived at Levi's, she didn't even bother to ring the doorbell, instead quietly letting herself in. She had learned that if she rang the doorbell, there might be a chance that she'd be disturbing some rare and valuable sleep that never seemed to come for her friend anymore. And besides, Levi trusted her, and never seemed too upset to wake up and find her straightening up his house or moseying around in his kitchen. If anything, he seemed grateful for the company, and grateful in such a way that made Petra deeply sad. She wished she could come over more often to alleviate his loneliness that he never voiced but she knew he was feeling, but Sasha was her top priority. Levi understood that too though, and that's why he never asked for her company, telling her that she could come over whenever she had the time. She both hated and loved how understanding he was, and knew she shouldn't feel guilty, but did all the same.

Quietly, she removed her coat and shoes, before heading into the kitchen and setting the bread down on the counter. She then headed into the living room, thinking maybe she had missed Levi laying on the couch. But she found when she walked in there that no, he wasn't there. Well, perhaps he was in his room. It was still rather early in the morning, after all. But upon poking her head through the open doorway, she saw that he wasn't in there either, although the bed had clearly been slept in. Sighing, she began to check each room, at least wanting to verify where he was so that she knew to be quiet around that area if he was still sleeping.

However, the last place she expected to find him was in the bathroom.

He was sitting by the toilet, legs splayed out in front of him, head leaning forward so that his chin touched his chest and his hair fell in front of his eyes. His body was trembling slightly, as if he was cold.

Worried, she gasped his name, before falling beside him, one hand on his shoulder and another one on his chest. She felt sweat sticking through his shirt, and when she moved her hand up to his neck, she felt that not only was his skin clammy, but his pulse was quite fast and weak.

And if that didn't alarm her, the empty bottle of prescription anti-depressants still clutched in his right hand did.

"Levi!" she cried, "Oh my God, no! Tell me you didn't…Levi, say something! Look at me!"

He shuddered, shaking his head and mumbling her name. Panic gripping her, she fumbled for her phone in her back pocket, preparing to call an ambulance.

"Petra," Levi repeated in a louder, firmer tone, before shakily reaching out with his free hand and placing it on her arm, the one reaching for her phone. "I didn't take anything."

She froze. "You…what?"

He said again, "I didn't take them. I flushed them down the toilet. I'm fine."

Petra blinked, and then sighed deeply in relief, her shoulders slumping with the motion. "Oh thank God. You sure?"

"Yes, Petra, I'm very sure. It's okay."

Before she could relax too much though, he continued softly, "I thought about it though."

"Y-You"- Petra stuttered, before she closed her mouth, and an inexplicable, violent rage welled up inside of her.

And with that, she reeled back, and slapped him.

Levi froze. He didn't even lift his hand to soothe the stinging on his cheek, or rub away the red mark that slowly began to form. It surprised him to be sure, as not only was the slap strong, but he didn't know that Petra was even capable of such violence. Towards _him._ Not that he didn't deserve it.

"How dare you," she cried, "How could you even think of doing something like that?"

Levi's mouth opened and shut several times. "I-I"-

"No, shut up! I don't want to hear it! There's no way you can justify something like this. There's no way you can justify me almost walking into this house and finding you on the floor, having to call an ambulance for you, and then them telling me it was too late for them to save you. There's no justifying almost having to put me and all of the rest of your friends through having to grieve over you, plan your funeral and then _go_ to your funeral."

He kept his mouth shut and his jaw rigid, but his insides trembled when she finished with, "God, Levi, and then I would have to tell _Eren_. I would have to explain to him on the day they released him, a day when he should be happy, I would have to explain to him why you weren't there to greet him. I would have to explain to that poor boy, who's already suffered enough for a hundred people, that he would never see the person he loved most in the world again. And it would d _estroy_ him, Levi. He wouldn't come back from that, you know he wouldn't."

He shut his eyes briefly, wading through an onslaught of pain at the idea of Eren, all bright-eyed and jubilant, practically bouncing out of Hutchings. Him embracing Petra and telling her how excited he was to go home. Him looking behind her and asking expectantly where Levi was.

Petra choking up and having to tell him that Levi wasn't going to be waiting for him at home.

He shivered from the pain the idea brought. Petra watched him, and her expression melted into one of sympathy. He finally looked up, his hair falling away from his eyes, before he pushed it back with his hand. But he didn't look at her as he spoke.

"I had a bad panic attack last night and I didn't sleep at all. Came in here to see if I had any leftover meds to help calm me down. I didn't, but I found my old bottle of antidepressants and I just...I'm so fucking tired, Petra. I'm tired of living like this. I can't sleep. I can't eat. Nothing makes me happy anymore. My bad dreams stay with me all day. Last night I dreamt that I was waking up in the ground again, and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't get out. I was by myself last night and I couldn't _breathe."_

A subtle trembling began in his frame, and Petra wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He leaned into her, thankful for the contact. "You could have called me," she said. "I would have come over, I don't care what time of day it is."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it now," she insisted, and he laid his head on her shoulder, turning slightly so that he was facing her more. "Don't worry about it. I'm just happy you're safe."

Levi sighed heavily, before uttering quietly, "I need him."

Petra squeezed him a little tighter, and laid her head on top of his. "I know, baby."

"I was so close to calling you and asking you to get a hold of him at the hospital. So close, Petra. I know you wouldn't have been able to do it, but…"

She held him in silence for a few moments, rubbing his back through his shaky breaths, and finally said, "Sweetie, you need to see someone about this. I'd volunteer, but I really think you need an outside third party that you can talk about this with. I have some good friends you'd like that I can tell about your situation, and they'd be happy to help you. What do you think?"

And it spoke to his utter desperation and exhaustion when he didn't put up any resistance and simply replied, "Okay."

She nodded in relief, and decided to change the topic to something more positive. "I came over to tell you some good news. First of all, there's some homemade banana bread on the counter. Sasha made it herself, and she demanded that you eat all of it."

That brought a small smile to his face, and he said, "Thank her for me when you go home. That was very kind of her."

"I will. And I also wanted to tell you I was planning on going to Hutchings to visit Eren on his birthday at the end of the month."

Levi's eyes widened slightly. A spike of jealously rushed through him, before he forced it down, until all that was left was the familiar lingering sadness whenever his boy was mentioned. "That's…that's great Petra. I'm glad. He'll be happy to see you."

She smiled sadly, before saying, "Well, I told you not just because I wanted you to know. I didn't know if you had any presents for him that you wanted me to deliver."

"No," he admitted, "I didn't get anything for him. I couldn't think of anything I could get that the hospital would let him have. I feel horrible about it, but…"

Petra leaned back to look at him, and when she did, Levi did the same. For the first time, she got a good look at his eyes, and she had to stop her breath from leaving her in a rush when she saw how utterly unfamiliar they looked to her. They were glassy, bloodshot, and most frightening, they were defeated. They were the eyes of a soul that wanted to lay down and die. One that almost did.

And Petra would be damned if she ever let that happen.

"Well," she suggested, "Here, I have an idea of what you can get him."

000

A few weeks later, Annie was poking her head into Eren's room and saying, "Eren, you have a visitor."

The boy sat up in bed, putting down the book he was reading. He stared expectantly at the doorway, wondering who on Earth could be visiting him. For a brief moment, he dared to hope that it was Levi, that the man had managed to find a way to sneak himself in here on his birthday to see him. He knew it was foolish and impossible, but nonetheless his heart began to pound with anticipation.

But it wasn't Levi that walked in. Petra appeared a moment later, a huge, bright smile on her face. Eren bit his lip, smothered the disappointment he knew he shouldn't be feeling in the first place, before he let genuine joy take its place. He got up from the bed and met her halfway, throwing his arms around her and squeezing her tight. She hugged him back, and both her familiar smell and the smile that stretched his cheeks made him feel happier than he remembered being in a long time.

"Oh sweetie, it's so good to see you," she breathed, "Happy birthday."

"You too. And thank you, I'm so happy you made it," he said, and leaned back. He caught sight of Petra's smiling face, before the smile melted into a concerned frown that she quickly tried to cover up. But she wasn't fooling him. "What's the matter?"

"Oh, it's"- she waved him off at first, before deciding against it and telling him, "It's just, you're thin too. Poor baby, have they not been feeding you?"

Eren shrugged. "No, they have. But wait, who else is thin?"

"Nothing. It's nothing. Here, come on, let's sit down."

He looked at her dubiously, feeling his stomach sink, but decided against prodding further for now. Instead, he let her lead him back to his bed, where they both sat down, and she said, "Now, tell me what's been going on since we last talked. Still liking your roommate?"

Eren's lips quirked up into a wry smile. "Jean is something, that's for sure. I don't know if I hate him or like him. Or maybe our hate for each other has eventually some kind of weird like for each other, it's hard to explain. He gives good advice, if nothing else."

"Where is he now?" she asked, briefly scanning the room.

"Actually, he has a visitor today too. His boyfriend. He visits him every week, or when he can."

A spike of jealousy rose in him then, but he pushed it down. He sighed, and leaned forward, placing his forehead on Petra's shoulder. Unsure of what he was doing, she just watched him for a moment, before she heard him take another shuddering breath. "I missed you so much, Petra. I know you've been busy though. But I missed you. I missed your hugs. And how you smell. I mean, um, you smell like home. I miss that."

"Oh baby," she soothed, and pulled him in for said hug. "We miss you too."

"I know this is where I have to be, but…"

"But it's still hard."

"Exactly." Eren shifted around a bit so that he was more comfortable, and closed his eyes. If he did that, he could pretend for a minute that he was in Petra's house, far away from here. There was a hint of the cinnamon candle she always had burning in her living room, and the smell of something freshly baked. "I miss the quiet. I miss looking forward to every day. It always felt so magical, because even though I didn't know what I was going to do, I knew I was going to enjoy it. Yeah, the bad days happened, but they didn't compare to the good days. Here, all I have to look forward to is the times when I get to stare out my window and pretend that I'm outside. Or when I get to go to bed. But even then, I wake up with such horrible dreams that it's not even worth it. I wake up feeling like I'm hungover because I'm so damn tired, and then I'm too tired to eat, or to want to get better so I can go home, so I feel like I'll be stuck here for even longer and…"

He snuggled a little closer to her, and Petra gripped him tighter, her throat closing slightly at his words. He finally finished with, "I want him, Petra. I miss him so much sometimes that I can't breathe. I'm beginning to forget what his voice sounds like, or his little habits. That scares me. I can't believe I'm forgetting these things already, and I don't want to, because that's the only bit of sanity I can find sometimes. If I forget him Petra- if I forget him"-

"Shh, shh," she hushed him, rubbing his shoulder, "Hey now, don't cry. I know, Eren. I know you feel hopeless, and I still don't agree with Erwin's decision at keeping you and Levi apart, because it's not doing either of you any good. He…Levi's in a similar way to you right now. He's getting too thin, and I help him when I can, but I can only do so much."

Her words really did make Eren start crying. Levi was suffering, and he couldn't ease him in any way. He needed Eren, and he wasn't there to take care of him.

"But, I do have some good news," Petra said, pulling back slightly to look at him.

Eren in turn met her eyes, and wondered, "What?"

"I've gotten him to see someone. A psychologist who's a friend of mine. He's already gone to a few appointments, and I go with him to some of them. He's going to get better, Eren, don't worry."

After he absorbed that information, the boy sighed in relief. "Good. That's good. I still wish I could go with him, but I'm glad he's getting help. And I'm glad he has you."

Petra smiled down at him, and announced, "Right, okay. It's your birthday, and I actually did bring something for you. Levi and I collaborated on your present this year, and we figured since you couldn't be home for it, we thought we'd bring a little bit of home to you."

Curious, Eren sat up fully on the bed, and watched her expectantly. Petra pulled out her phone from her back pocket, and tapped on the screen, before holding it in front of both of them. The boy scooted over until their thighs touched, and she remembered how Eren said that he thrived on touch, especially comforting touch. He had probably been so deprived of it for the months that he had been here that he was near desperate for it. However, she found she didn't mind. If she could provide comfort for him, she was more than happy to, and even if he wasn't at home anymore, Eren was still her patient.

The video that she had queued up starting playing. Petra was looking into the camera, and Eren smiled when he recognized her kitchen behind her.

"Hi Eren!" her voice came from her phone, "For your birthday this year, Levi and I made a bunch of videos about things that you might be missing here at home. Say hello, Levi!"

The camera panned over to reveal Levi by the counter, and Eren felt his heart flutter with excitement. He hadn't seen Levi since he was taken, having only heard his voice over the phone. He felt his body ache with longing at the mere sight of him, and it only intensified when Levi looked into the camera and offered it one of those soft, smiles he only ever offered Eren, and said, "Hey brat."

Eren bit his lip, and watched as the camera panned over to someone else, a girl he didn't recognize. But Petra in the video encouraged, "And this is Sasha, my new case. You'll probably meet her when you get out, and I hope you two become friends. Say hi, dear!"

And Sasha looked up from her place by the counter, and Eren noted that she was standing by several baking ingredients, before she shyly said, "H-Hi there."

The camera then closed in on the row of flour, eggs, vanilla, and other ingredients Eren couldn't quite pick out. Petra on the video explained, "So, we're going to make some cinnamon bun bread. Sasha hasn't made any yet, and I decided Levi needed to pry his ass off his couch before it became one with the cushions."

"Says you," Levi's voice came off screen.

"Alright, anywho, let's get started."

After that, Eren watched a series of videos documenting the more interesting parts of their bread making adventure. He felt himself smiling more for those fifteen minutes than he had for the past three months of him being here. He laughed when he saw Petra leave a floured handprint on Levi's dark shirt, and when Sasha got caught sneaking some of the icing they were meant to put on the bread far before the dough was even fully mixed. And he especially laughed at the last video, where Levi struggled with a stubborn shaker that refused to give up the powdered sugar meant to go on the bread. He gave it one hard shake after several failed attempts at gently coaxing it out. And when the powder practically exploded out in a miniature avalanche and drenched half of the loaf and the counter itself in a powdery mess, Levi froze for a minute, his eyes going wide, and the look of utter horror on his face had Eren, Petra both in real life and in the video, and Sasha as well, in stitches.

Petra then brought up the next video, and explained, "Levi did these next few himself on his phone, and then he sent them to me afterwards."

Eren's eyes glittered eagerly as he saw that the video was of one of the trails they had walked on at Salmon River. The leaves hadn't yet started growing on the trees, and many patches of snow lingered on the path, yet Eren could hear the water rushing in the background.

"Here I am at Salmon River," Levi explained, "The first day I've gone outside this season and the air doesn't hurt my face. Why the hell did I ever say I liked winter, Eren? Slap me the next time I say that."

Eren grinned, and watched as the camera panned up to reveal the tops of the trees and the gray sky beyond. Levi was saying, "As you can see, the clouds look like they're going to burst. Combined with the shit temperatures, and I don't think there's going to be too many animals out here today."

Just then, the camera froze, and then slowly panned over to reveal a chipmunk sitting on top of a downed log. Levi whispered, "Well look at that. Looks like he came out just for you, kid. He says 'happy spring."

There were several more videos like that; Levi on the trails, Levi catching the few songs of the songbirds as they returned from their summer roosts, Levi seeing a cute dog on a walk and recording it for Eren to see, saying he saw it and thought of him. Petra recording the sound of her woodstove so that Eren could listen to it, and many more. It all ended with Levi sitting in his bed and looking into the camera, looking like he was ready for bed.

"Well, Petra is going to see you tomorrow," he was saying, "So I guess this will be the last video I can make you for now. And, I guess I just wanted to say that I hope you liked them, and I hoped they helped make you feel better. And…I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. It's going to be okay, kid. It's all going to work out. This time next year, we're going to be together again. We will. We have to be. Because…I can't take much more of this, Eren. You were right, we need to be together, always. Being alone like this, I swear, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't be happy. There's no peace, because you're my peace, Eren. But I know you'll work hard so you can come home, and I'll be here waiting, okay? I love you, brat. I'm always thinking about you. You're never alone, just remember that."

He sighed, and quickly wiped at his eye, sniffling. Eren felt his heart ache, even more so when Levi said sadly, "I'll see you later kid. Night."

The boy's lip was quivering by the time the video went dark, and he felt tears stinging his eyes. It was awful, knowing Levi was obviously suffering, but there was nothing Eren could do to make it better. He felt Petra wrap him up in another hug when she put her phone down on the bed, and he accepted it gratefully, wrapping his arms around her in turn and lay his head against her shoulder.

"It's not fair," the boy lamented, and Petra understood.

"I know," she agreed, "None of this is fair. Not to either of you."

"He's hurting. I want to help him, Petra, but I can't. I'm just sitting here, useless."

She sat there, rubbing his back for a few minutes, before an idea finally struck her. "Hey sweetie, how about this? How about you make a video for Levi? He, um, he's been getting a lot of panic attacks lately. I know seeing your face would probably help him a lot."

Eren blinked, and then pulled back, wiping furiously at his face. He nodded, and replied, "Yeah, I'd like to do that. I can do that for him."

Smiling softly, she picked her phone up off the bed and handed it to him. "Do you want me to leave the room while you record it?"

He thought for a moment before deciding, "Yeah, if you wouldn't mind."

"Of course not." She stood up, and ruffled his hair. However, before she could leave the room, Eren tentatively called her name, and she spun around questioningly.

"Can I- Can I watch those videos again before you leave?" he asked.

Her smile grew wider. "Yes, silly, of course you can. I'm here all weekend, so you can watch them as many times as you want."

"Okay. Good. Thank you, Petra."

"It's no problem. You, of all people, deserve whatever happiness we can bring you."

And with that, she left the room, leaving Eren by himself.

The boy thought for a moment on what he was going to say. It had to be meaningful, something that would break through the worst of Levi's panic even when he couldn't be there to hold him like he so dearly wanted to. All he would have was his face and his voice and…Eren glanced out his window, and saw that a few rays of sunlight had begun to peak through the clouds. He smiled to himself, and without hesitating any further, hit record.

"Hey Levi, it's Eren…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "on the brink."


	29. Schwarz und Weiß

Petra smiled softly as Eren sighed in his sleep, before he nuzzled his nose a little further into her stomach and curled up more securely against her side. He seemed so warm and cozy, his side gently rising and falling as he dozed. And, for one rare moment, his face was completely relaxed.

She had decided to come and visit him one last time before she had to leave that day, and upon entering his room, he had pitifully begged her to lay in his bed with him. She had been about to ask why, but the dark, heavy circles under his eyes that refused to meet her own, followed by his trembling hands taking her own beseechingly, convinced her not to question him and simply do as he asked. So, she had crawled into bed with him and he had latched onto her, before dropping off into a dead sleep a few minutes later.

Petra stroked his hair idly with one hand while she glanced at her phone with the other, frowning when she saw how late it had gotten. She very badly needed to get going if she was going to get home at a decent hour today. But there was a certain quiet desperation in the way Eren clung to her that made the decision as to when she should get up very difficult. However eventually she decided that it was time, and that she reluctantly had to wake him up and let him know.

Carefully, she nudged his shoulder and said his name. However, he didn't stir, and that in itself made Petra very sad. It spoke to how little sleep he had apparently gotten the night before. It was as if his body was trying to cram eight hours worth of rest into the two that she had laid down with him for.

"Eren," she repeated a little louder, and shook his shoulder more deliberately, "Sweetie, come on. I need to get going."

That seemed to bring Eren out of his comfortable sleep. He scrunched his nose and whined, but still didn't open his eyes. Instead, he nuzzled his nose deeper into her side, and sighed happily.

Petra stroked his cheek. "Wake up, baby. I know you don't want to. Come on."

After a few minutes of coaxing, he at last opened his eyes with an enormous effort. It took a few moments for his mostly asleep brain to process what was going on, but once he did, he groaned unhappily and closed his eyes again.

"Nnnooo," he mumbled, "Stay. Five more minutes."

Petra said patiently, "No, Eren. I need to leave now."

He shook his head, and then hid his face in her side, holding her closer. "Don't go. Or if you have to, take me home with you. Hide me in one of your suitcases, they'll never know."

She breathed a laugh. "I know, baby. I wish I was taking you home with me. You know I do."

He nodded, and hid the bottom half of his face against her, so that his words came out in a muffled mumble. "I won't be able to watch those videos anymore. Petra, I don't want to forget again. I'm scared."

That's right. Eren had spent almost more time watching the videos they had made for his birthday than talking to Petra, but she understood why. It was the only way he was able to see Levi, to hear his voice, and she would watch how his face would change every time he watched them. It was as if he would disappear inside the peace the videos brought him, and he would forget where he was, if only for the few minutes that they played for.

She gave his shoulders a brief squeeze, and promised, "I'll visit you again. And I'll make Levi make you some more, okay?"

He offered her a small smile, brightening up as he asked, "When? When are you going to visit?"

"I don't know, Eren," she said regretfully.

His smile faltered, and he seemed to shrink in on himself once more. Eren resumed his hold on Petra, his heart already pounding and sending waves of nausea through him.

"I'm glad you came," he told her, "That was the best sleep I've gotten in a while. I feel a little better today. I'm sorry, I just feel like…like something bad is going to happen if you leave."

"Nothing is going to happen to you," Petra said automatically. "I promise. You're very safe here."

"I feel safer when I'm with you."

"Oh, you poor little bean..."

Eren breathed a little laugh at that. But the mirth quickly faded when Petra at last insisted that she get up, and started to do just that. It took everything in him not to tighten his grip and instead let her go. He did however follow her down to the lobby, his limbs stiff with fatigue. And she did offer him one last, extra tight hug at the doors to the entrance. Eren buried his face in her shoulder, wishing one last time that she could stay. He knew it was selfish, but the feeling of comfort that had washed over him with her being here was so profound that it allowed him to forget about how selfish it seemed.

"That hug was from Levi," she said close to his ear.

Eren bit his lip, and then replied, "Give him one from me too."

"I will," she assured him as she backed away. "Just remember what Levi told you. You're not alone. He's always thinking about you."

She started to walk out the doors, and the terror within him spiked again. Something inside him was screaming that she couldn't leave, that if she did, the pain that he often woke up with in his body would return. It had gone away while she had been here. That fear prompted him to call out to her, a little more desperately than he meant to. Either way, she halted in her tracks and stared at him expectantly.

He faltered, opening and closing his mouth several times, knowing how ridiculous he appeared. His heart was pounding uneasily, and yet he couldn't put into words why he wanted her to stay. So instead he said lamely, "Have a safe trip. Thank you again for coming, and tell Levi I love him and miss him."

Petra once more smiled brightly at him. "I'll do that. And I promise I'll come see you again soon. Work hard, Eren."

His hands began to worry the bottom of his shirt as he replied without any confidence, "I will."

And then, with a final wave, she was out the door, leaving Eren standing in the lobby.

000

Another night. And for Levi, that meant more bad dreams and waking up with another panic attack. He honestly didn't know why he even bothered to try and sleep anymore; he only managed an hour or two at most, followed up by thirty minute naps during the day. And this attack, like so many others, was accompanied by hopelessness and frustration.

While she had been visiting with Eren, Levi received a video message from Petra, and the text underneath it had said not to watch it until he had another panic attack, and that it would help him get through it. He figured it was time, and, trying to ignore the tightening of his throat and how the terror was making his vision blur, he flicked on his lamp and reached for his phone on the nightstand beside him. He quickly found the video, however, his fingers were shaking so badly that he had trouble opening it and getting it to play. But when he did, he swore he felt his heart go from sixty to zero in the space of a second.

Because he hadn't expected Eren's face to be staring back at him.

"Hey Levi, it's Eren," he was saying, "Um, Petra let me borrow her phone for a bit while she was here. She said you were having a rough time there at home, and of course I wanted to help you. It's not much, but I figured this is really the only way I could talk to you while I'm here."

In his shock, Levi almost completely forgot about his panic attack. There was Eren, his precious Eren, his voice clear and soft, just as he remembered it being. However, he looked paler and thinner than he had the last time Levi had seen him, more exhausted too. But Eren was still talking, so he didn't dwell on it too much at the moment.

"It's…heh, I know I can't draw it out for too long since these videos have time limits. And I have no idea what to say. If you're watching this during a panic attack, or just when you're feeling sad, well, first of all, I wish I could kiss you. I miss our kisses a lot, Levi. They always made me feel better no matter how crappy I felt, and I hope they did the same for you."

"Of course they did, brat," Levi told his screen.

Eren paused, as if evaluating what he was going to say next, before he moved the camera to look out his window and said, "Here. It's sunny outside today. I know sometimes looking at the sun makes me feel better." After a few moments of lingering there, he pulled the camera back and set it back on his face. "It's going to be okay, Levi. Just breathe, alright? Breathe and know that more than anything in the world, I want to be there with you. Don't be scared. Those bad dreams can't hurt you. Haven't you told me that a hundred times? Your past can't hurt you anymore. It'll try its hardest, but you have things in your present that are going to protect you."

"Eren," he breathed, his lower lip quivering and his throat tightening.

"You have your friends, and I know your mother is with you too," the boy kept going, and his eyes grew soft, sparkling up him as his cheeks were pushed up with a smile, "You're safe, Levi. I'm here too. Now, I want you to close your eyes for me, okay?"

Without even thinking, Levi obeyed. He felt Eren's voice wash over him as he said, "Now I want you to imagine that I'm hugging you. I'm right there with you and giving you the tightest, best hug I can. Your chest is loosening up, and your panic is draining right out of your body. Your anxiety is dripping into the floor, and you can breathe easy now. Nothing is going to hurt you while I'm here."

Levi laid down on his side, keeping his eyes closed and bringing his knees up to his chest. He placed his phone on the pillow next to him and wrapped his arms around himself, trying desperately to imagine they were Eren's. It was so easy to give himself over to the fantasy his boy was trying to create for him, because he wanted so badly for it to be true. Soon, he indeed felt his airways loosen up as Eren talked him through his panic, and he nuzzled his nose into his pillow, pretending it was Eren's chest.

"I'm holding your head on my chest," Eren was telling him, as if he already knew what Levi was imagining, "Can you hear my heart right next to your ear? It's nice and slow and calm, just like yours is going to be. I have my chin on top of your head too. I'm covering you up with my body as best I can. I'm keeping you warm and keeping your fears away from you. They're not allowed as long as I'm here. I'm here, Levi. I'm here and you're safe. Just rest and I'll worry about the dark for you. Deep breaths, sweetheart. You're safe…"

"Safe," Levi echoed. Eren was right, and he could practically feel the firm warmth of his body against his own, hear his heart beating solidly near his ear. His heartbeat was indeed slowing down, and the adrenaline was leaving his system. Eren was working his magic on him again, and already Levi was beginning to feel drowsy once more. It was okay, he could fall asleep. His boy was here, holding him tight and protecting him from all the monsters in his head. There was nothing to be afraid of anymore.

But then, he heard Eren in his message start sniffling, and Levi opened his eyes instantly, looking to see that Eren's cheeks were glistening with moisture. He brought the phone closer to his face, his brows drawing upward in concern. His boy finished with, "Well, I guess I have to go again. I'm sorry, Levi. I wish I could be there with you longer. I hope this helped. I'll see you later, okay? I miss you, and I love you. Don't forget that."

And he finished the video by pressing his fingers to his lips, and then pressing them against the screen. The screen froze, indicating that it was over. Levi blinked, and before he could stop himself, he pressed his own fingers to his lips, and then putting them on the screen, right where Eren's were.

Levi immediately replayed the video, and when it ended, he played it again. Again and again, until Eren's voice soothed him to sleep at long last, his hand clutching his boy's pendant.

000

The days turned into weeks since Petra's last visit, and it was Jean that noticed the most that ever since that visit, something in Eren had drastically changed. And not for the better.

At first, it was just small things. He didn't try to socialize as much anymore. Not that he ever really did before, but now he didn't even make a minimal effort. He was silent in group therapy, and barely even wanted to talk to his nurses. He had come to know his roommate as a loud, brash, pain in the ass who did not have a problem telling anyone within listening distance that he hated where he was. He was still stubborn when it came to the treatment, telling his therapists exactly where they could stick their pens and that he had no interest in opening up to them or getting better. He resisted at every opportunity that he could, metaphorically or sometimes physically digging in his heels every chance he got. He honestly seemed to think that if he resisted, they would just give up on him and send him home. Jean just shook his head at him every time he refused to eat enough so that he could take his meds, or would hole himself up in a corner in the rec room and glare at everyone like they personally offended him just by existing, or sometimes wouldn't even come out of his room to the rec room at all. Hell, sometimes he'd refuse to go to therapy appointments too. And even Jean knew that was a bad idea. Even he had gotten it through his head that the only way out of here was to play the game and just do everything he was told.

But when it had come to the point that Eren downright refused to go to any of his appointments without being physically dragged there, when Eren barely wanted to leave his room anymore, when he seemed downright frightened of his nurses when they came anywhere near him, Jean knew something was very wrong.

He tried confronting Eren about it one evening, while they still had time to themselves before dinner. He supposed he didn't really have to care, since he and Eren weren't really friends. But when you share the same living space with someone, when you begin to learn all of their little habits (like how Eren always slept with that one blanket up around his shoulders no matter how warm it was in the room, or how he had to sleep with that small pillow up against his chest), and when you heard them night after night wake up crying from debilitating bad dreams and then work to soothe themselves back to sleep, you begin to develop some sort of bond with that person, whether you want to or not. And though Eren was nuttier than a squirrel's winter food storage, Jean supposed he could have been stuck with someone worse in this hellish place.

So that was what prompted him to softly interrupt Eren from his usual nightly ritual of watching the sun set outside of his window by going, "Hey, can I ask you something?"

Eren grunted as a response, a mere noise to let Jean know that he had heard him and nothing more. He was expected a snarky reply like, "You just did," but he got nothing. He tried to ignore how oddly disturbed that made him feel, and instead said, "I um, I think something's bothering you. I didn't know if you uh, wanted to tell me what it was. Maybe I can help. Or, you know, just give you someone to rant to."

Eren's face shifted, but Jean could quite understand his expression. He seemed annoyed and scared all at once, but he didn't know which emotion was more prevalent. Either way, his roommate replied, "Well, yeah, but I don't even…no, I do. Jean, I don't know what to do. I can't keep- I, something's not right here."

Jean raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

Eren scrubbed a hand over his face, and he didn't look away from the window as he murmured, "I woke up with blood on my sheets. I've been waking up with it there for a few weeks now, but last night there was more than usual."

Slightly horrified, the other boy wondered, "Shit. Uh, blood where? Where were you bleeding from?"

But Eren flushed a deep red, and curled a little further into himself. He covered his face with his hands briefly, and Jean knew. He admitted, "I...I think I've seen blood a couple times on my sheets too. But the spots were so small that I didn't think- but why? What does it mean?"

Removing his hands from his face, Eren turned to face him, took a deep breath and said softly, "I think the nurses are hurting us. Molesting us in our sleep or something."

Jean went completely still. He hardly dared to breathe, and he had no idea what to say, so Eren kept going. "Think about it. We've been waking up sore and groggy for weeks. You and me both. There might be others too. But- and I thought this was a dream- I swear though I woke up during it one time. I broke through the drugs, and I saw, _I think_ , Annie's face hovering over mine. The pain woke me up, but I still wasn't sure what was happening, and I was so scared and drowsy at the same time, that I felt like it'd be safer if I just went back to sleep. But now I'm not so sure it was a dream, Jean. Especially if you've woken up the same way. Something fucked up is going on here."

After a few beats of stunned, ringing silence, Jean finally replied, "That's…one hell of an accusation."

Eren sighed heavily, straightened up stiffly, glanced towards the door and declared, "I know it is, but I need to tell someone about this."

"Now Eren, hold on," Jean raised a hand and said. "Maybe now isn't the best time."

His roommate fixed him with an incredulous look. "You don't believe me?"

"Well, it's not that, it's just…maybe you should wait for more proof before you say anything."

"What, wait until they can rape me again? No, _hell_ no. No no no no, that happened to me once. I stayed quiet about what was happening to me for ten years before. I'm not doing it again. No one is allowed to touch me if I don't want them to."

As he spoke, Eren began to grow more animated, but not in a good way. He seemed both parts angrier and more frightened, like he was almost letting his fear fuel his anger. And the things he was saying, it sounded an awful lot like therapy speak. But he hadn't been listening to the therapists here. He wondered if he had another therapist back home, someone he trusted more, that told him these things.

Eren quickly rose from his bed and made his way to the door. He then stopped before he left and glanced back at Jean, telling him, "The sun is setting. I'm not letting myself go through this for one more night. Last chance, Jean."

But Jean, despite the uneasiness he felt from his own pain in the morning, couldn't bring himself to get up and follow him to the door. He was too afraid, too afraid that somehow he'd upset the staff and they would maybe think he was even more unstable, perhaps keep him here even longer. Keep him away from that life he wanted to get back to with Marco. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out, and Eren scoffed at him, before disappearing out through the door.

Jean had never considered himself a coward. And he still didn't. But in that moment, his pain the ass roommate made him doubt himself.

And later that night, when Eren didn't return, and he heard from one of his nurses that he had been taken to solitary to spend the night there, Jean felt actual real guilt begin to creep up inside him. But not guilt borne of himself; that well had dried up years ago. Guilt created from a reservoir that Marco had gifted him with the minute the other boy had proven he wouldn't leave Jean no matter what. To the point where, before she left to turn the lights off, he found himself speaking up.

"Listen, there's something I have to tell you guys..."

000

Levi and Petra had told him for months that his body was his own, and didn't belong to anyone else. It had taken them a long time to convince him that this was true, but once he had accepted it, there was no changing his mind. His body was his, even when he and Levi made love, it was still his. But his lover was the only person in the world he'd allow the pleasure of seeing it because Levi cherished him, breathed praise into his skin that made him melt, and made Eren feel safe even when he was at his most vulnerable.

All that had mattered when he was in this place was Levi; getting home to him, doing what he had taught him, living in his memories of him so that he didn't go completely crazy. He had told his nurses what he thought was being done to him, stubbornly keeping his autonomy because that's what Levi had taught him, refusing to fall back into old habits no matter how hard it was to resist. Because he loved Levi too much to dishonor him like that.

And look where it had gotten him.

When the nurses had outright dismissed his claim and told him to go back to his room and get ready for bed, he had refused. He didn't want to go anywhere until he spoke with someone about making this stop. But they hadn't listened, and to make things worse, they called Annie over to deal with him. Eren had flown into a panic, to the point where they had to have several staff members restrain him. When they threatened him with a sedative, he began hyperventilating and fighting even harder. He saw the blood drip onto the floor from where he had struck a nurse and felt the burning in his knuckles, but didn't remember doing it. The back of his head ached and he saw stars from trying to smack the back of his head into the person behind him. He didn't even recognize the terrified screams echoing off the walls as his own.

However, he must have been pricked by the needle at some point, because soon enough, he found himself waking up to a dream, the one that seemed to torture him more than the others in this place. He was back in the forest, the mists curling through the trees and breaking up the outline of his surroundings. It was so quiet that he could hear the blood rushing in his ears.

"No…" he murmured, his whisper echoing on walls that were not there. He was alone, just like always, the sound of his voice, weak and high with fear, his only companion.

Next came the eyes, pairs of red, piercing through the mist. They called to him, demanding his presence when their maws were dry, their loins aching with anticipation.

"Well look who stopped by…"

"The little faggot has come back to play…"

"I want his neck…

"Blood…"

They all were whispering, but their voices were ringing in Eren's ears as if they were screaming. He couldn't see them, but it sounded like they were right next to him. This was it. He had once again become the prey, lame and helpless. He looked to the pairs of malevolent eyes that shone in the shroud that surrounded him, and suddenly they began to move, to dance around him in excitement as they whipped themselves into a frenzy.

"Please…" he tried to beg as the noise of their demands made his head pound agonizingly, "I don't-I don't want this."

He was tired of deluding himself in thinking he'd get sympathy, that at some point they'd take pity on his poor soul if he just begged hard enough. But they didn't care. The hoard of men revealed themselves, and they pounced at him like wild beasts. Some of them held back and watched, sadistically licking their lips at the sight of blood and the sweet sound of flesh being torn from bone, muscle fibers and veins ripping like weeds. They smashed him to the ground, teeth and claws gnawing at any place they could find. Each bite caused his blood to gush as it quickly flooded his mouth, nose and throat. They were all chewing on them as one in particular went for his face, ripping off most of his nose and then going for the lower jaw, sticking its tongue down his throat as it did so.

"Stop!" Eren cried out, back arching from the pain, "Nile, stop, please!" he could barely talk as he was torn apart, but upon looking closer, he saw that the men were wearing the faces of those that attended the "parties" Nile would throw where they would either watched him being assaulted or they would assault him themselves.

"What? You'd rather have something else?" the man on top of him, Nile, snarled with a smile, "You'd rather we didn't fuck you?"

Tears welled up in Eren's eyes, "I don't want to be hurt anymore! All I want is-"

"Your friend?" Nile scoffed, and the sentiment was echoed by the others, "Well, why didn't you say so. We brought him to join us too, you know."

With that, the hoard joined in a chorus of anticipatory shouts.

"Get on with it!"

"Let's see it!"

Eren glanced up towards the trees on his right, and there was Levi, being dragged out of the mists, his eyes wide and frightened. He met Eren's gaze, and he could see that the older man's chest was heaving rapidly in panic. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, he was tossed on the ground and pinned by one of the men. He started struggling, and even from a few feet away, Eren could hear how high pitched and ragged his breaths were becoming.

"No…" Eren gasped, "Oh dear God, please."

This had never happened before in his dream. They couldn't be this cruel. However, those were just the same words he had repeated to himself over and over while stuck in Nile's basement, and they became emptier every time he was proven wrong.

But Nile just nodded, and in a moment the men descended upon Levi, and his screams rang out loudly in the clearing. Flesh ripped and blood spattered, but they left his face alone so that Eren could see every agonized expression twist it. They fucked him as they tore him apart, pounding into him as they devoured chunks of his flesh in front of Eren's eyes. Levi managed to get a hand free and reach towards him, but it was trembling weakly.

"Eren, please," he rasped, blood staining his teeth, "Help me. Oh God it hurts, Eren, Eren!"

"Levi," Eren cried, trying to wriggle free but unable to due to Nile's weight on him, "Levi, Levi, Levi! No, leave him alone! Hurt me, but leave him alone!"

"But we _are_ hurting you," Nile observed, "Or at least, we will in a moment."

Levi's face was obscured from his view by another body, and a wail rose up that made Eren's hair stand on end. Levi was screaming and screaming and screaming, and then it was cut off sickeningly. Eren cried with him, cried until his vocal chords were shredded, until Nile tore them from his throat with his teeth, and even then, it felt like his screams were still echoing in the clearing.

Eren's cries followed him until he woke, truly woke, and blinding white met his eyes. The images that presented themselves to him took a moment for his brain to process, and the drugs lingering in his system only made the process longer. Because of that, everything remained hazy and surreal, the walls remaining fuzzy and indistinct, the light becoming too harsh to deal with. All he could really see was white, white, white. If there was any color in the room, he couldn't seem to find it.

He did figure out that he was in a bed though. Actually, he had no idea where he was at first, and his heart began to beat more rapidly. He tried to sit up and feel around for his blanket from home so that he could wrap it around himself; even if it didn't smell like home anymore, it was still a great way to comfort himself. But he couldn't find it. And if that wasn't enough to tell him that he wasn't in his own bed anymore, the restraints pinning him to the bed were.

So it looked like not being able to move wasn't just all in his dream.

He started struggling straight away, pulling as hard as he could. His breathing grew more rapid and shallower and his heart tried to slam its way out of his chest the more apparent it became that he was trapped. Tears welled in his eyes quickly, and it didn't take long for Eren to start deliriously begging for help. However, no one came to his rescue. What was worse, the ringing silence of the room was beginning to get to him, the voices in his dream following him into the waking world, whispering to him.

" _Worthless, worthless."_

" _Oh God, he's crying. What a fucking pussy. Disgusting."_

" _I'll tear you apart if you don't stop those tears."_

"Please stop," he answered back, squeezing his eyes shut, "Please…I just want to go home. I want my friends. I want L-Levi."

" _But you saw it. He's gone. He's not coming back for you."_

"No," Eren begged, "Stop it!"

" _Where is he now?"_ Nile's voice came through, _"Where is he when you need him the most? Not here."_

" _Alone. Always alone, always alone."_

" _Worthless."_

The boy shook his head in denial, but his heart wasn't in it. The drugs still swam in his mind, and so did the hurt. The images from his dream were seared into his subconscious forever, and things were fading from black to white, black to white, until he didn't know what to believe anymore. All Eren knew was that his mind was just as painful a place to be as the real world. However, his mind did have one thing the real world didn't.

Slowly, he stopped fighting. He still shook and cried, but he surrendered in full. The real world could do with him what it wanted; abandon him, be kind to him, hurt him, caress him, or kill him. It would be all the same.

Because the person he wanted was not in it anymore. So, as terrifying and sickening as it would be, as much as the demons that lived there were trying to blot it out with their darkness, Eren would journey through, searching for that single point of life where Levi lived and find him there. And then he would never leave him again.

000

It was almost two months later when they got the call.

Levi was over at Petra's helping her plant some late spring/early summer flowers while Sasha followed behind them spreading mulch. The air was warm and heady, and the mulch was steaming as they laid it down. Levi already couldn't wait to hop in the shower when he got home as he felt the sweat trickling down his back. But Petra had asked him so nicely for help, and he of course she really just wanted to get him out of the house. He had to admit, the sun felt nice on his skin, and it felt good to at least be in the company of other people even if he wasn't talking much.

It was in the middle of trying to work one flower out of the tray that his phone started ringing. Sighing with irritation, he pulled off his gardening gloves and hastily wiped his forehead with his hand.

"Who wants you?" Petra wondered, pausing only to look up, but still patting her flower into place in the soil.

Levi fumbled around for his phone in his pocket. He pulled it out, looked at the name, and his eyes widened slightly in shock.

"Erwin," he announced.

Petra's eyes widened as well, and this time she really did halt what she was doing as she said, "Must be important then."

Sasha was coming over with another bag of mulch as Levi answered the phone and held it up to his ear. But before she could pour it, Petra held up her hand and told her to hold off, wanting to listen in on what was going on.

"Hey," Levi said into the receiver.

"Hi Levi," Erwin answered, "It's been a while."

"It certainly has. So you're done ignoring me now?"

His boss sighed, and said genuinely, "I'm sorry about that. I didn't think you'd take kindly to hearing from me and would probably just hang up on me if I tried. I know you'll probably never stop being angry with me though, no matter how much time passes."

"Hmph. Well, not much we can do about it now. It's done. So did you have a reason for calling me, or were you just apologizing?"

"Both. I do hope I can win back your favor at some point, Levi, and I'll work hard to earn your forgiveness, for as long as I have to. But I did have something else to tell you. And I'm sorry to say it's not good news."

Levi gripped the phone tighter, and Petra noticed the change in him. As Erwin kept talking, she observed his face growing paler and paler, and his posture growing stiff. The tendons in his hands began to stand out as he gripped the phone with one hand and his knee with the other. He looked like he was going to be sick, and Petra instantly began to grow worried.

Her worry only spiked into anxiety when Levi got finished listening to Erwin, and replied hoarsely to him, "I see. I um, I appreciate you calling me to tell me. And thank you for giving me permission. Yes, I'm going to leave now. Goodbye, Erwin."

His hand was trembling as he ended the call, and he quickly got to his feet, pocketing his phone as he went. Petra heard the jingle of his car keys, and she was on her feet in an instant, Sasha following behind her.

"Levi, what's the matter?" she asked as she trailed behind him, "What did Erwin want?"

Her friend halted in his tracks once he reached his car, and he slowly turned around to regard her, as if he was in some kind of trance. His expression was drawn and _terrified_ when he met her eyes, and Petra's heart leapt in uneasiness.

"He s-said Eren's in the hospital," he finally said, his voice shaking, "T-The real one. Trost County General. Said he's not doing good at all. And that I had permission to go see him while he's there."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, we ready for a reunion next chapter? :D Chapter title means black and white. Only a few chapters left to go, I'd say three maybe four, but don't quote me on that.


	30. Lied Meiner Seele

Levi had received Erwin's call sometime in the afternoon, after which he had rushed home and hastily packed his bags, hardly paying attention to what he was doing. His body was slowly filling with adrenaline, making his movements shaky and uncoordinated. He was operating on autopilot, running on the hour of sleep he had managed to snag the night before. His exhaustion made the eight hour trip ahead of him seem that much more daunting, and part of him wondered how on Earth he was going to manage it. A very small part, however; the rest of him was just too consumed with worry and too desperate to reach Eren.

But when Petra showed up on his doorstep thirty minutes later with her suitcase trailing behind her asking when they were leaving and explaining that she had sent Sasha to stay with Eld while she was gone, he breathed a sigh of relief he hadn't realized his lungs had been holding onto, and told her the car was unlocked, and that she could start throwing her stuff in the trunk.

They had headed out then, Levi driving like a man possessed, breaking just about every traffic code. His posture was stiff and his eyes were locked on the road. He seemed to forget that

Petra even existed let alone that she was sitting right next to him, telling him to slow down or to use his blinker or basically every other rule of driving that he seemed to have forgotten in his anxiety.

Once they were on the highway and it seemed like they were going to be following it for a good long while, Petra finally dared to ask, "So, did Erwin say why Eren is in the hospital?"

Levi answered her almost in a monotone, "He um, said he fainted this morning. Because apparently he hasn't been eating enough for the past few weeks. He finally got so weak that this morning he just…collapsed."

Petra's eyes widened. "Why hasn't he been eating? Did he say?"

"No." Levi shook his head, "Said all he knew was that they told him Eren has been acting funny for a while. I guess we'll find out more when we get there. But apparently now he's so emaciated they've um…they've set him up with a feeding tube again. It helped him wake up but then apparently he fell back asleep again and hasn't woken up since. God Petra"-

She placed a hand on his shoulder as he let loose a shuddering sigh and added softly, "He hates feeding tubes. And hospitals. He has to be so scared."

"We're coming for him now," she reassured him, "We won't stop until we're in that hospital parking lot. And then we're going to sprint up to his room and you're going to push everyone out of the way that doesn't move fast enough."

He gave a resolute nod. "You're damn right I am."

She laughed softly, and then added, "And then we won't leave him for the entire time he's there. I know you're going to feel so much better once you see him again."

Levi replied, "Yeah," and then sighed, already feeling his shoulders un-tense the tiniest bit at the thought of finally being able to lay his eyes on Eren again, to take care of him. However, it also made him press on the gas pedal a little harder.

"Back it off a bit hon," Petra said, glancing at his speedometer, "You're going ninety."

After that, they drove mostly in silence with occasional bouts of conversation between them. It was hard to engage Levi for long though since his mind was locked so hard on its purpose. Every time he looked down at the GPS and it told him how many miles he still had to go, it seemed to spike his frustration and then he would hit the gas again. Petra essentially became his impulse control for the entire time he was behind the wheel. She had to convince him to stop at rest stops for bathroom breaks and to at least snack on something. When it grew dark and he was starting to drift into other lanes on the road, Petra promptly kicked him out of his seat and told him she'd be driving for a while.

"I'm not tired," he insisted.

"Bull," Petra refuted immediately, "You almost joined that mom's kids in the backseat of that minivan ahead of us. Pull over."

Surprisingly, that was all it took, though Levi still mumbled weakly that he was fine, he could keep going for another couple hours. Petra wasn't having any of it though, and shoved him into the backseat, telling him to lay down and rest. When they got back onto the road and kept driving, Levi for some reason became very chatty, but about very random topics, from listing all the reasons why he was clearly the better choice to drive them to the hospital, to telling Petra the names of all the flowers in the field behind his house. She allowed him to talk though, for she knew soon he'd quiet down. She had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. Levi was behaving just like a child that didn't want to go to bed but clearly was overtired and very badly need to. He was just talking to keep himself awake, and she knew he was exhausted when he started humming along to the crappy pop songs on the radio, songs she knew he despised.

However, finally, he fell silent, and a quick peek into her rearview mirror revealed that he had indeed finally laid down on the backseat and was sleeping. However, from how tense his frame was, she knew he wasn't sleeping very deeply.

And she was right, because about an hour later, when they got off the highway and the car began to slow down, he jolted awake, blearily asking if they were there yet and rubbing his eyes.

"Almost," Petra assured him, "We'll be there in about twenty minutes now."

Finally, they pulled into the underground parking lot of Trost General Hospital nearing one in the morning. Both of them were exhausted, but Levi almost seemed to have passed the boundaries of exhaustion. He was so overtired that he was bouncing around like coffee had replaced all the blood in his body, coiled tightly like a spring and leaping out of the car before Petra had even finished parking it. She had to rush to turn it off and sprint after Levi, as he had already started to powerwalk across the lot to the set of elevators that waited for them there.

Levi's nervous energy was contagious, because Petra soon found her own muscles twitching and heart pounding when they at last reached the lobby and were standing at the front desk. The receptionist met their eye, and asked what she could help them with.

"We're here to see Eren Jaeger," Petra told her, "He was just admitted here today. Well, yesterday now."

The receptionist regarded them for a moment, before she began searching through the database on her computer. She then said, "Oh yes, that's right. You wouldn't happen to be Petra and Levi, would you?"

"Yes," Levi said shortly, fiddling with a loose thread on his shirt. It took everything in him not to just rush into the back of the hospital and starting searching through the rooms for his boy. Just a little longer, he just had to hold on for a little longer.

"We had an Erwin Smith call us and tell us you'd be along at some point," the receptionist explained, "He's in room three twenty two, down the hall behind me. I'll let the doctor know you're here and he can brief you on his condition. Go on ahead."

Levi didn't need to be told twice. He took off as soon as he heard her say the room number, leaving Petra to thank her and jog after him to catch up. They both scrutinized the numbers on the walls until three twenty two came up, and both of them darted inside. The first bed was empty, so they walked around the curtain to the second bed. The lights were low in the room, but not completely off since he was being monitored, but even with the dim lighting, they could still pick out the diminished body huddled up under the blankets.

Levi stopped and let his eyes adjust to the dark, and Petra did the same, but as soon as he could see, he forgot about her existence entirely. Because there was Eren, eyes closed, heart monitor beeping steadily beside him and the heater blasting near him, despite the fact that it was almost June.

His first sensation was an immediate and powerful one: déjà vu. This was almost exactly how things had been when he and Eren had first met, except now, there were months of love and heartbreak between them. But Eren looked exactly the same as he had back then. He was as pale as snow, his cheeks and lips leeched of color. His face was so thin and fragile looking, like it would shatter if touched without care. He could only imagine that the rest of his body looked the same, and for now he'd have to, as the blankets were pulled up to his chin. Even so, the feeding tube wrapping around his ear and disappearing into his nose was plainly visible, and it made Levi wince to see it. He was completely still, not even reacting to the sound of them entering the room.

Levi felt something horrible and all-consuming swell in his stomach like a balloon had been inflated in it much too quickly. It threatened to choke him, make him burst, and he didn't even know what to call it. All he knew was that it made him dig his hands into his hair and want to vomit onto the pristine tiled floor. His breath began to quicken, and it might have turned into a panic attack if he didn't feel Petra's hand on his back.

"Levi?" she questioned.

He shook his head. He had no idea what to say in response other than this wasn't fair, but Petra already knew that. So instead he muttered, "Nothing's changed."

She tilted her head at him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean it's just like at the beginning. When we first met him, this is what we saw. It's like those months of him being with us never happened."

Petra looked like she was about to reply, but before she could, they heard a set of footsteps approaching the room before they walked inside. The lights were turned on a little more, illuminating the face of the doctor that had just walked in.

"Hi guys, I'm Dr. Kruger," he greeted, "Levi and Petra, I presume?"

He held out his hand for them to take. Petra did so, saying, "It's nice to meet you, though I wish it was under better circumstances."

"I agree." He held out his hand for Levi as well, but he didn't look like he was paying attention. Instead, he had moved over to stand by the bed, unable to take his eyes off of Eren. Petra gave the doctor an apologetic smile on his behalf, though she understood his motives perfectly. She said, "So, you have more information on what landed Eren here?"

Dr. Kruger nodded. "Yes, Hutchings briefed me on what's been going on there. Apparently there was a bit of a scandal going on where a nurse was drugging and then sexually abusing some of the patients there. Eren and his roommate were two of her victims. I heard that initially Eren came forward with the claims, but nobody believed him. When he grew violent after the nurse who had been doing it to him tried to take him back to his room, they drugged him and put him in solitary. The staff and even Eren's roommate said he wasn't the same after that. He became completely withdrawn, almost as if he disappeared inside his own head. Didn't seem interested in interacting with the outside world, and that included eating anything put in front of him. Eventually he deteriorated so much that it landed him here."

Levi, as if each word the doctor was speaking was a physical weight on his shoulders, gradually sunk down onto the bed until he was sitting beside Eren. He hunched over him started stroking his face, curling further and further into himself the more Dr. Kruger kept saying. He bit his lip, trying to keep the tears at bay, his chest growing so tight that he could barely breathe. Nausea started to broil in his stomach as well, and began petting Eren's bangs out of his face, stroking his skin as if he could erase the damage that had been done to him.

"What happened to the nurse?" Petra wanted to know.

"Well," Dr. Kruger answered, "Soon after, Eren's roommate came forward and backed up the allegations. And after that, several more came forward as well, and they believed that was enough to conduct an investigation. The nurse confessed a few days later, and she's been arrested."

Petra sighed with relief, and turned towards Levi. However, before she could ask him if he'd heard the Dr., she heard him pitifully mumbled, "It's my fault."

She raised an eyebrow. "Levi? What are you talking about?"

He didn't face her to answer her. Instead, cupped Eren's cheek, and repeated, "It's all my fault. If I had been there with him, this wouldn't have happened. He could have told me what was going on, and I would have made sure they believed him. I wouldn't have let that bitch touch him again. I wouldn't"-

"Levi, hey, easy," Petra soothed, coming over to sit next to him on the bed. She began to rub his back, and spoke to the back of his head as she said, "You need to stop blaming yourself when it comes to Eren. Even if you had been allowed to see him, you know there's nothing you could have done. He might not have told you what was going on. Or if he had, yes you could have affirmed what he was saying to the other staff members, but there's not guarantee they would have believed you either."

"She's right," Dr. Kruger said behind them, "Unfortunately, we can't always be where we're needed the most. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault but the nurse who did all this. At least you can rest with the knowledge that she's been caught and now you're here to take care of Eren and to help him move forward."

Of course, Levi knew deep down that they were right, but he was still so overcome with grief and horror that he couldn't let himself believe them. But he couldn't tell them that. So instead, he rasped, "It's just not fair. He was sexually abused for ten years. And then to help him get over that they put him someplace where he was supposed to heal. And then he's subjected to the same thing all over again. It's not _fair._ "

Petra sighed sadly. "No, it's not." And because she knew nothing would make him feel better at the moment, she simply repeated, "It's not, sweetheart."

She felt him begin to tremble with the effort of holding back his tears. However, to her surprise, Levi actually did speak to the Dr., asking him, "So is he just here for the severe malnutrition?"

"Yes," Dr. Kruger said, "I'm fairly certain. He does have minor injuries from the abuse as well, some tearing and bruising, but nothing major."

"And what happens after he gets better? Are you guys going to send him back to Hutchings?"

"We don't know. We'll decide that once he's closer to getting better. For the moment, I wouldn't concern yourself with that. Instead, why don't you both get some rest? I heard you drove quite a ways, and it's nearing…oh dear, three in the morning. I'm guessing you'll want to stay here with him during the night. If you'd like, you can borrow the bed next to Eren's for now…"

Alas, his last few words fell on deaf ears, because as soon as the Dr. mentioned rest, Levi had toed off his shoes, lifted Eren's blankets back, and crawled onto the bed beside him. He also ignored the Dr.'s halfhearted protests as he pulled the blankets back over the top of both of them, and cuddled in close to Eren, making sure that they were touching all along the length of their bodies. Petra looked at Dr. Kruger helplessly, shrugging, and he at last sighed, and said, "Well, I suppose Eren could use the extra warmth."

Petra smiled softly. "I'll take the bed next to them for now until we can find a hotel. Though I doubt Levi will be leaving Eren's side now that he's here."

Levi didn't hear the rest of their conversation. He was already lost in his own little world that only consisted of him and Eren. He didn't hear the Dr. eventually leave, or Petra wish him goodnight. He didn't even mind that he didn't have that much room on the bed to move. He just carefully laid his head on Eren's pillow, and groped until he found his hand under the blankets. Despite his exhaustion, sleep wouldn't come easily that night for him, or even stay that long, mostly because his worry for Eren kept him alert. But for now, feeling the boy's bony fingers, and feeling the subtle expansion and collapse of his ribs, loosened something in Levi's chest that had been coiled tight for too long. His last thought before he eventually fell into a light doze was that he was never leaving Eren's side again.

Sometime during the night, just before the dawn broke, Eren's eyes opened into tiny slits. His vision was very blurry though, due to the fact that he was so weak and his head was so bleary. First, he felt the strange warmth beside him, and then his eyes slowly picked out the face of the person laying next to him. The person's features were relaxed in sleep, and his dark hair was lying carelessly on Eren's pillow. His face seemed so familiar, familiar to the point where he knew it couldn't be real. For if this person was who he thought he was, there was no way this wasn't a dream.

Still, it was quite a nice dream. The nicest, softest dream he had had in a very long time, and he wanted to get closer to it. Eren was too weak to lift his head, and yet, with all the strength he possessed, and despite the fact that he had to take several breaks before he was able to accomplish his goal, he scooted closer to this person. And what was more, he managed to tuck his head under their chin, before sighing contentedly against the skin of their neck. He decided to leave his nose there. The fluttering pulse under his nose was calming, and the scent evoked something in him he thought long dead, but he didn't know what. All he knew was he didn't ever want it to die again.

Eren hummed happily, and let his eyes fall shut again, determined to live in this dream forever, so that he never had to be separated from the man he loved again.

000

Levi woke early the next morning to the sound of the nurses shuffling in to change Eren's I.V bag and check his vitals. However, he didn't open his eyes until they left, and noticed a couple things right off the bat. First of all, his head was pounding, and he felt terribly groggy, sure signs that the amount of sleep he had gotten last night hadn't been nearly sufficient. And sure enough a quick glance to the clock across the room revealed that it was barely six thirty in the morning. But second of all, and more importantly, he saw that he was still lying beside Eren, and while the boy was still asleep, he showed clear signs of having moved during the night. Levi's gut warmed right up when he registered that the boy had managed to snuggle himself closer and tuck his head under Levi's chin. He felt a fond smile forming on his lips, and despite what a mess Eren was, he was happy that the boy at least somewhat seemed to remember that Levi was his safe place.

A moment later, he heard the creak of the bed beside him, and watched as Petra came into view from behind the curtain that separated the two beds. Levi sleepily met her eyes, and smirked when he saw that she was in a similar state. Her hair was going in every direction, and she looked ready to pass right back out again.

Rubbing at her eyes, she yawned, "Morning sunshine. I take it there's no change in our boy?"

He sighed and shook his head. "Not a bit, though it looks like he moved closer to me during the night."

She glanced over at the patient, sadly taking in how utterly still he was. If it weren't for the heart monitor steadily beeping beside them, she would have assumed it was too late for him. She also did a once over on Levi, and once she saw how bedraggled he looked as well, she offered, "Why don't you come with me down to the cafeteria for some breakfast. And coffee. I think we'll both need coffee."

He blinked up at her steadily, considering her words, but then glanced down to regard Eren, looking very unwilling to move. Petra of course noticed this, and assured him, "Don't worry. The nurses are going to be up in a few minutes to check on him, and when he wakes up, you know we'll be the first ones they tell. But you're not going to be of any use to Eren like this."

Levi eventually sighed and nodded. But when he stood up, his legs shook, and he stumbled the smallest bit. His head swam for a moment, prompting Petra to ask if he was okay. He hastily told her, "Yeah, fine, fine. Just a bit tired. And you're right, I do need to eat. Blood sugar is in the toilet."

"You think you'll be okay to walk down?"

"Yes, of course."

Luckily, they made their way to the cafeteria mostly without incident (Levi being a champion at pretending he wasn't nearly as dizzy as he actually was) and he slumped heavily into a chair while she kindly got them both some coffee and bland hospital food. He wasn't even sure what it was supposed to be, but he figured as long as it was edible and gave him energy, and therefore made him more useful in Eren's recovery, he didn't care. They ate in silence, but Petra noticed her friend was unnaturally tense. It was easy enough to guess why though.

"Don't worry," she murmured over the rim of her coffee cup, "Eren's going to be alright."

Levi shook his head uncertainly. "But they said he's been in his own head for so long. What if we can't get him out of there?"

Petra just shrugged and said as if she was stating the obvious, "Well you're here now, of course he'll snap out of it. I think he'd much rather be with you than wherever he is right now."

He didn't reply, instead choosing to regard the floor for several minutes, as if it held the answer he was looking for.

They finished not too much later, Levi being anxious as he was being away from his boy's side, and it was actually on their way back to Eren's room that they were intercepted by a nurse. When she saw who they were, she brightened up and quickened her pace, grinning as she approached them.

"Oh good, I was just on my way to get you guys," she said, "Eren's awake. We figured you'd want"-

Levi didn't let her finish. He took off, almost jogging down the rest of the hall until he reached Eren's room again. He didn't stop until he was by the bed, wherein he noticed with a slight jolt that Eren's eyes were indeed cracked open into slits. He was still in the same position Levi left him last.

The older man's breath left him in a rush, and he felt his knees give out from relief. He sank down to kneel on the hard hospital floor, reaching forward to place his hand over Eren's, which was peeking out from underneath the blankets.

"Eren," Levi breathed, smiling gently, "Good morning to you at last."

The boy didn't reply. He didn't even acknowledge that Levi was speaking to him, or touching him. Levi waited for a few moments, and tried again, wondering if Eren was still groggy and just slow to wake up fully. He was after all very weak right now.

"Hey," Levi encouraged, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand, "You there? Come on you lazy brat, wake up. I drive all this way to see you and this is the welcome I get?"

Eren's eyelids lowered slightly, but other than that, he remained stock still, staring at something behind Levi. His eyes were glassy and unfocused, and he barely seemed to be breathing. He had become as still as stone, and if possible, even paler than he was last night. He was about to speak again, when he looked up and saw that one of the nurses was coming around the bed with a bag in her hands filled with a gross brownish mixture Levi recognized. It was a special mix of nutrients for patients recovering from severe malnutrition, full of things they needed but gentle enough so that refeeding syndrome would be at a much lower risk of occurring. She attached the bag to Eren's feeding tube, and Levi watched as the mixture traveled slowly down the tube and up into Eren's nose. Levi flinched, watched as Eren swallowed lazily, and swallowed sympathetically himself, as if he could somehow help the boy get the mix down easier by doing so

However, to Levi's horror, he watched as Eren otherwise had no reaction to this either. Something that had brought him terror to the point of needing to be sedated in the past, he acted like it wasn't even happening. When he heard the sounds of the nurse's footsteps fading down the hall again, he squeezed Eren's hand insistently, trying harder to get his attention.

"Eren, come on, snap out of it," Levi demanded, "You need to cut the shit right now because you're starting to freak me out. This is almost like the time you shut down on me before, remember? Please don't do that again, kid, my heart can't handle it."

The boy remained disturbingly still. Neither he nor Levi noticed that Petra had entered the room either, and had been standing behind them watching the whole thing. She now moved up to stand behind her friend, unsure if she should touch him or not. She chose not to, instead offering silent support and cradling her hand to her chest as she looked sadly down at Eren. She felt her eyes stinging as she heard Levi's breath catch, see the glimmer of tears in his eyes, and heard the soft begging that accompanied it.

"Eren, please don't do this. Please talk to me. I'm right here. Isn't that what you wanted? You wanted me here, didn't you? I'm right next to you, kid. I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

He trailed off, mumbling apology after apology and uttering soft self-deprecations about how terrible he was for not being here when Eren needed him, about how he should have done more for him. Petra knew it would be useless to say anything, but it still broke her heart when tears began to slip down Levi's cheeks, his words melted into quiet, hopeless sobs, and he bowed his head, unable to look into those unseeing eyes any longer.

000

Eren had lost count of the number of days he had wandered these misty woods. He knew they weren't real, and that they were as unsettling as they were oddly peaceful. He knew technically he wasn't supposed to be here, at least not for this long.

There were doors too, doors that appeared in the fog, highlighted by little fireflies that sometimes cleared the mist away. They stood between the trees, silently bidding him forward to open them, to see what lay beyond each one. And he had checked them all a hundred times. What he wanted wasn't behind those doors. Or perhaps, what he had once wanted was.

He was peeking inside one now, and he didn't so much directly see as feel what lay beyond it. He felt his own happiness from his earliest memory, which was the time his mother and father took him to the beach for the first time. He saw himself looking down at the little sand castle he had built, and asking his dad to help build a moat without knowing the proper word for it. He shut that one, and walked a little ways until he found another door. When he opened that one, his mind was filled with his countless walks home from school, his friends laughing and fooling around with him as he did so. Door after door revealed some memory he hadn't visited in a long time, some of them happy, some of them not, but all of them of a life he had long since left behind.

"You won't find what you're looking for in there."

Eren shut the door and swung around, gasping when he saw that the voice had come from his mother, who was standing beside his father just a few feet away. They were both regarding him sadly.

The boy shook his head at them disbelievingly. "How do you know what I'm looking for? You don't know me anymore. You…you let me get taken away all those years ago! Why didn't you protect me like parents are supposed to? How could you let him do it?"

Deep down, he knew his accusations were unfounded; how were they supposed to know what kind of monster lay beneath Nile's exterior? But he couldn't help it. Long held anger bubbled to the surface, even when he knew it would be wasted on this figures who were themselves no more than memories. His father frowned, and his mother looked down guiltily. They grasped at each other's hands, and that in itself said enough. They hadn't stood a chance against Nile either. Eren's shoulders hunched forward with new grief, and he sighed, burying a hand in his hair.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, so quiet, and yet they still heard it, his words almost echoing around them, "It wasn't, you weren't… _I'm sorry."_

They just shook their heads and smiled at him after a moment, once again speaking without words. Then his father told him, "We just want to see you happy. We know you tried to hide in here, and that might have worked for a while, but you know as well as we do you can't be happy on these paths. The only path to happiness is that one."

He nodded towards an inky black road that led off into a distance Eren couldn't quite see. All he knew was that it was shrouded in an even heavier mist, so heavy that it almost seemed to glow. He shook his head violently.

"That was the path that I came down to escape to here," he said, backing a few steps away from it, "I'm never using it again. I get hurt every time I do."

His mother shook her head, and said knowingly, "Not every time."

Eren hugged himself, refusing to look at the path. It made his heart hammer every time he looked at it, for the last time he had been down it, it had led him to a safe haven filled with love beyond his wildest hopes and imagination that had disintegrated into a hellhole of terror and pain once more. Retreating here had saved his sanity more often than not. It was had enabled him to keep going for his entire time with Nile. His happy memories protected him, sheltered him, and offered him the love he had lacked for so many years.

And then Levi had come into his life.

He had offered Eren a source of love that didn't come from his parents, who were long dead, and that wasn't living inside of him, which turned out was only an illusion. But Levi no longer existed down that path. He couldn't protect Eren anymore, so it was his job to protect himself.

Wracked with indecision, Eren deliberated, shaking. If he stayed here forever, he'd be safe, but unhappy. If he went, he stood the chance of getting hurt again, but the happiness he longed for might be there.

He don't know how long he stood there for, days, weeks, but eventually, through the deafening silence that not even his parents dared to break for him, he began to hear yet another voice. It was distant and muffled, exhausted as well, as if it had fought wars just to reach his ears. He perked up, straining to hear it. He thought it sounded familiar, but he couldn't be sure. What he was sure of though was one thing.

It was coming from the end of the black path shrouded by the mist.

Eren sucked in a breath, and felt his body lean forward. He took a step towards the path, and then froze. He backed away another step, but then took another two towards the voice. Upon taking another step, he noticed that it grew slightly clearer and louder. And it was then that Eren realized that the voice was in fact singing to him. And that song…he knew it, and yet he didn't. His mind couldn't remember it, but his heart leapt toward it. He froze up once more, wringing his hands, and glanced once more at his parents, at the doors still standing in the mist, waiting for him and his decision. Eren gave them a helpless, pleading look, and they beckoned him over, sympathetic smiles on their faces. He didn't hesitate to rush over and let himself be enveloped by their arms, snuggling into them.

"Love and happiness still exist for you, Eren," his father told him, "They exist out there, and they exist in here."

They squeezed him tightly, and Eren felt his eyes pricking with tears as he hugged them back. He eventually backed away from the embrace, wearing a relieved smile that they matched. His mother stroked his hair out of his face, and finally whispered, "Now go on. The rest of your life is waiting out there for you. Go and enjoy it, little bean."

Eren laughed, wiping his eyes. He started to head down the path, glancing back at his parents and watching them until they disappeared from his sight. The more he walked, the louder the voice became. Eventually, the trees disappeared and the mist covered everything, including the path, completely, but Eren no longer needed to use his eyes. He picked up his pace until he was running, slowly, and then at full tilt, his own pulse pounding loudly in his ears. The voice was pulling him toward a glowing light that had appeared in front of him, encouraging him to take the plunge, singing about something painfully and wonderfully familiar to him. Something his mind recognized at last.

He kept running until the light blinded and consumed him, and there was nothing he could do but let the voice cradle him, shelter him, and pray that it would keep its promise of love and safety that it had presented to him on the very first day they had met.

000

Slowly, excruciatingly, the mist fell away from Eren's eyes, and the hospital room he was staying in came into focus. He wasn't sure why he was here or how long he had been here, but those details would have to wait until later. For now, first and foremost, he was slowly becoming aware that he was laying down on a bed. And that he was not alone in said bed.

Eren tensed up, horrified at first, his most recent memories returning to him in a rush. He remembered telling the staff at Hutchings about being molested, then being in a room by himself and then nothing. However, what allowed Eren to relax was the sound of the voice coming above his head.

The voice that was currently singing to him.

And if the achingly familiar voice didn't tip him off enough that there was nothing to fear, then the song itself helped to immediately clear up any lingering confusion.

" _"Hello pretty one_

_with eyes like the sea,_

_come and dance with me,_

_come and dance with me…"_

Eren sucked in a sharp breath, hardly daring to let it back out and continue breathing, lest he shatter the only bit of hope he'd had in a very long time. The only person who knew that song besides himself was the same person who's chest his face was buried against. It was the same person who was cuddled up so tightly next to him in bed that there were no spaces between them. This smell, this body, they were as familiar to him as his own body and smell were, and Eren finally, finally, dared to hope that after all this time, his troubles were over.

"Levi?" he asked, his voice so small and vulnerable that it was heart-wrenching, made even worse by the fact that it sounded like it had been put through a shredder beforehand.

The singing immediately stopped, and Levi all but jerked back. Eren looked up to see that Levi had glanced down at him with hopeful awe. Their eyes met, and in that second, the boy felt himself returning home once more.

"Eren?" he asked, and his voice sounded almost as horrible as Eren's. His eyes were also red-rimmed and beyond exhausted looking, "Eren is that…are you really- here with me?"

Eren licked his lips, noting how terribly dry they were, but not noticing the tube that ran down his throat luckily yet, replied softly, "M'here. All here. You…you're really here?"

The older man shifted down and nodded enthusiastically, cupping the side of Eren's face in wonder. "I'm here, I'm here I'm here I'm here. Oh my God, oh thank God. Yes, I'm here. I'm finally here."

And hearing those simple words, for some reason, while attaching them to that wonderful face he had missed so much these past few months, finally did Eren in. The tears began to well up and roll down his cheeks in huge, fat droplets, and the crying began, heavy and disgusting and awful. Eren's back heaved as he took great gasping breaths, and Levi didn't hesitate to grab hold of him and wrap him up in his arms. They buried their faces in each other's necks, the gross crying starting in Levi as well. They each continued their own mantra, unable to think of anything else to say.

"Levi," Eren wailed, "Levi, Levi, Levi…"

"I'm here. I'm here, I'm here. It's okay, I'm here, and I'm never leaving you again. Never again."

And just like the first moment Levi had met him, a song was the only thing able to reach Eren in the deepest, darkest places in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "Song of my Soul." Two more chapters to go guys, and then this fic will be done!


	31. Zuhause

Eren had woken up just as the sky had begun to turn pink with the light of the dawn. He and Levi had then cried together until the pink had faded away to make room for the bright oranges and yellows of early morning light. They cried so long and so hard, that eventually, they cried themselves to sleep.

And the sleep they fell into was the deepest, most profound sleep they had obtained since they discovered that Eren was going to be taken away to Hutchings.

They slept _hard_ , both of them lying so still and their breathing so soft that they appeared to be dead rather than unconscious. Eren had thrust his face into the crook of Levi's shoulder, while Levi did the same to his shoulder, head lying on top of his. Their legs were tangled together, and they had pulled each other so close that it was difficult to tell who began where. Their lips were parted and they both appeared pale as alabaster, sick with the relief they had gained with their reunion. Upon seeing them when she arrived a little later that morning, Petra couldn't help but find them oddly beautiful in how tender their embrace was, bathed in the white light streaming from the window and posed in the same way she imagined all those ill-fated lovers must have been in Shakespeare's plays when they committed suicide together. Or even one of those beautifully tragic Roman sculptures. The weight of their grief and ever-present fear had finally bled out of them, leaving them heavy and weak. They were finally at peace, even if the road they had taken to get there had been winding and painful.

Both of them slept through the morning, the afternoon, and well into the evening. Even when Petra attempted to wake them after eight hours had gone by, all Eren did was moan faintly in response. Levi merely whined at the intrusion, before pushing his nose further into the crook of Eren's neck, dead to the world again in a matter of seconds. It was only when the sun began to dip and the light began to get stale did Levi finally stir, finally woken by urges more powerful than his body's desperate need for rest.

He lifted his head slowly from its warm resting place, still feeling stupidly groggy, eyes drooping heavily. However, his bladder was aching so severely that he knew going back to sleep would be impossible until he satisfied those needs. Resigning himself to his fate, Levi sighed, and began to wiggle out of his warm sanctuary. But he barely managed to drape one leg over the mattress, before a hand was grabbing his and holding him still.

"Don't," Eren mumbled, still blinking his eyes open, "Don't leave."

Levi smiled, reached over and stroked the side of his face reassuringly. "I'm just running to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

He tried to get up again, but Eren tightened his grip, asking, "Can't you hold it?"

The older man shook his head emphatically. "No, Eren." He could actually feel sweat prickling along his hairline from how sick the fullness was making him feel.

"Well, can't you use a bedpan? There might be a clean one under the bed."

"I doubt that. They have you hooked up to a catheter right now, you wouldn't need one."

Eren gave a pained whine, both at that knowledge and the fact that he couldn't come up with a logical reason to make Levi stay. It was made worse when that thought was sending his heart into palpitations. He knew he was being ridiculous, but with everything that had happened recently, he couldn't find it in himself to care.

"Here, Eren," Levi insisted, still trying to reason with him, "I don't want to leave either, but I won't be more than thirty seconds. The bathroom is just down the hall, you won't even miss me."

 _Stop it, stop being so crazy for a moment,_ Eren told himself, before he sighed, and released him, nodding reluctantly. Levi quickly pecked his forehead, and the boy watched him get up. He paused at the doorway for a moment, offering Eren another smile and another promise that he would be right back.

However, he only managed to hold himself together for a few seconds, before Eren felt the anxiety twisting his insides, gripping at his organs and tangling them all up in knots. He curled in on himself, involuntarily thinking of the last time Levi had disappeared from his sight. How hard the adrenaline in his body had surged as he fought for his freedom, had fought against his captors as if they were taking him away to be executed. How Levi had been crying, begging him to stay, had been trying to get to Eren. How out of control of himself Eren had felt, how helpless he had been. His muscles twitched with the urge to get up and go after Levi, but just like back then, he had restraints holding him back, except these ones were the tubes that connected him to the machines by his bed, and his own debilitating physical weakness. He tried lifting his head, and instantly felt his vision swim. His heart was pounding too hard and too fast, slamming against his ribs. Eren began to whine, high and pathetic, and he began to shiver and sweat all at once. He was alone again, alone and vulnerable, and the room was too quiet. His protector was gone, which left the room wide open for anyone to come in here and hurt him.

Footsteps suddenly began to approach his room, and Eren clenched his thighs together tightly, bringing his knees up to his chest and feebly trying to protect himself.

Levi entered the room again a moment later, hastily wiping the last remnant of water from his hands onto his pants, not even having bothered with drying them properly in the bathroom in his rush to get back. He took in the form huddled up under the blankets, saw how it was trembling and whimpering, and immediately ran back over to the bed.

"I'm back, I'm back," he said softly, crawling back under the blankets and curling around Eren once more, "I'm right here. I'm sorry Eren."

The boy shoved his face into Levi's chest with as much strength as he could muster, and kept making little whimpering cries. Levi just held him and rubbed his back, a little shocked by the severity of Eren's reaction to him being gone for such a short amount of time, but understanding as well why he was acting the way he was. Eren had been traumatized afresh, and was emotionally as fragile as glass. As a result, almost all of his reason had left him, nor did he have the energy to control his emotions, and that was a dangerous combination. To add fuel to the fire, Levi was also traumatized by Eren being taken away from him and found that he had no emotional strength of his own, no will to summon any sense of reasoning for him and Eren to lean on. He simply found himself panicking as well, and therefore trying to soothe their combined sense of panic. He let Eren breathe him in, while he himself worked to calm his pounding heart as well.

They lay there together for a moment, both of them eventually calming down, but both feeling shaky and weak from the stress. They were still clinging to each other tightly when both Petra and a nurse entered the room a few minutes later. Levi lifted his head at the sound of their footsteps, and when he saw who it was, greeted Petra as she came to stand beside them.

"Well good morning, kids," she replied, "Or evening now, I guess. It's almost six." She looked down and noticed that Eren too was meeting her eye, and that there was awareness in his gaze once more. She grinned extra big at him as she said, "Hey, sweetie. I'm glad to see you're with us now. How are you feeling?"

Eren regarded her steadily, blinking slowly, as if for a couple moments, he couldn't remember who she was. But then after searching through his muddied mind, he produced a name to match the face, and a hundred memories to go along with it. He smiled at her in return, his face half hidden against Levi's chest and his fingers still clinging to the other man's shirt as he replied hoarsely, "Awful. But I think I'll start feeling better now that you guys are here."

He lifted his head a little to rest it in the curve of Levi's waist, and once he had settled, Petra reached down and stroked a little of his hair out of his face. He nuzzled her hand contentedly, happy now that his favorite people were back with him once more. He felt safe and secure for the first time in a long time, and so content that he didn't notice the nurse coming around behind him.

"Alright Eren," she said kindly, "I have your dinner right here. You ready for it?"

She was holding a plastic bag up, much like the ones that contained his I.V drip, but this was instead full of a strange, brownish solution. He then remembered the feeding tube in his nose. Eren swallowed convulsively, feeling his throat brush up against the foreign plastic. His stomach lurched, and he suddenly felt the urge to vomit. Old fears rose to the surface, making him feel dizzy, his vision tunneling, adrenaline surging into his body once more. His breathing picked up, and Levi felt his ribs expanding and contracting against his own body more rapidly. He could also see the boy's pulse beating against the thin skin of his neck. Reading the signs, he squeezed Eren more securely against him, and allowed the boy to hide his face against his chest once more.

He looked up at the nurse, explaining, "He um, he's really scared of feeding tubes. And the feeding process. He had a bad experience in the hospital back home."

The nurse nodded sympathetically, understanding coloring her tone as she said, "It's alright. Not many people like them. But at least you weren't awake for the worst part, right? The tube is already in."

Eren breathed out a shuddering sigh, and Levi felt the warmth of it against his chest. After a moment of collecting himself, breathing in Levi's scent and allowing himself to calm down as the logic of her words set in, Eren lifted his head again and asked, "How long does it need to be kept in?"

"For a couple weeks. Just until we're sure you're not at a risk for re-feeding syndrome anymore."

"And what's that?"

She explained, "That's when a body that's been without food for a long time goes into shock when food is reintroduced into its system. It's not pleasant and can cause more damage, therefore take longer for you to heal. So far, you've been doing alright, so hopefully we won't have to keep this in for much longer and we can start you on solid food again."

"Well that's good news," Petra said, and Levi hummed in agreement.

After a moment where Eren absorbed this information, the nurse instructed, "Alright then love, I'm going to need you to sit up so we can administer this."

Eren looked away from her, unsure and his stomach still filled with knots. He physically couldn't sit up anyway, and even if he could, he wasn't sure he could get through his fear long enough to do so. But luckily, Levi made his decision for him, and helped to pull his limp body upward, and then lean him back to rest against his chest. Eren's vision began to tunnel again and he squirmed as she went to hook his bag up to the IV pole and then move to attach it to the tube going down his nose.

The bed dipped next to them, and Eren looked over to see Petra sitting down as well. She scooted close to Levi, and said, "Hey, hey, Eren, look at me. Pretend she doesn't exist for a minute, just look at me."

Eren's heart was hammering so hard he thought it might jump right up his throat, but he did as she asked. She then reached out and took his hand, telling him, "Squeeze my hand as hard as you need to, okay? Now I want you to think about how safe you are. You're with me and Levi, and we're the ones you feel safest with. Think about how we'd never let anyone hurt you."

The boy felt Levi hug him tightly around his middle, felt how firm he felt against his back. He saw the nurse's hands flash from out of the corner of his vision, and squeezed his eyes shut, gripping Petra's hand so hard that the circulation had to have been compromised. He heard Petra reminding him to breathe, and he realized that he must have stopped, or he must have been breathing too shallowly. Either way, he made a conscious effort to take deep breaths, because he could feel the beginnings of hyperventilation settling in. The blood was being drained from his extremities to feed his core, and his arms and legs began to tingle uncomfortably. He felt a pinching sensation in the bridge of his nose, and he made small scared sounds. They only grew when he felt the feeding mixture at last begin to filter down into his stomach. Eren shuddered at the entirely disturbing and uncomfortable feeling of being filled without chewing or swallowing anything, and he moaned with distress. But all Levi and Petra could do for him was hug him tighter, shush him, and let him know that he wasn't alone.

A while after the nurse left, Eren began to relax, settling into his comfy position as he began to get used to the sensation. He supposed he couldn't stay that tense for long, as doing so tired him out quickly. After all, his feeding sessions could last almost an hour. And as Eren calmed, so did Levi, to the point here he placed his chin contentedly on his shoulder and rested it there, shutting his eyes. And when Eren closed his own eyes and became a heavy weight against him, Levi could feel his own stomach churning inside of him with hunger. However, he ignored it, not feeling up to going down to the cafeteria in the slightest and leaving Eren. It was only when it began to growl loudly and regularly that Petra finally spoke up.

"Levi, do you want to go down to the cafeteria and eat something with me?" she offered.

"No," he mumbled, not even opening his eyes, "I'm good."

A moment later, he got, "Let me rephrase that. You're getting something from the cafeteria, what would you like?"

Levi sighed. "Petra, I'm not"-

"Don't argue with me," she said firmly, "Not after you scared the crap out of me like you did yesterday."

By now, Eren had opened his eyes again, and when he heard Petra's words, he was immediately filled with alarm and, looking between the two of them, asked, "What happened yesterday?"

Levi bit his lip, but Petra answered for him. "He fainted on his way to the bathroom. The doctor checked him out and said it was because he was exhausted, undernourished and pushing himself too hard for too long. All those months of stress have finally caught up to him."

Eren gasped quietly, and Levi flinched, especially when the boy said emphatically, "Levi, you need to eat! I don't want you to end up in the bed next to mine just because you were being stupid."

"I'm not," he argued, "I just don't want to have to leave you again."

The boy sighed in frustration, suddenly becoming torn as well. Luckily, Petra, wonderful as she was, once again had a solution on hand. "I'll bring you up something from the cafeteria and we can all have our dinner in here. How about that?"

They both agreed, too tired to argue with her.

Dinner was consumed, but Levi didn't even get all the way through his before Eren was dozing off against him again. His chin kept dipping down to his chest, and since his food bag was empty anyway, he figured it would be safe to lay him down on his pillows now. He did so, leaning him back slowly, and Eren was out of it enough to not notice when the nurse came back to disconnect his bag. Soon after that, Levi laid down to join him, terribly sleepy himself now that his stomach was full. He only stayed awake long enough for Petra to bid him goodnight and head back to the hotel, before he passed out again, head buried in Eren's chest and arms wrapped around his waist.

Neither of them moved from that position for the entire night.

000

It was another day before Petra could finally convince Levi to go to the hotel long enough to take a shower and change into a fresh set of clothes. He knew what would happen when he was gone, and of course he was proven right. Petra stayed with Eren of course, but it didn't do much to prevent him from turning into a shaking ball of nerves bordering on hyperventilation once again. The only difference was this time, Dr. Kruger was there to witness the panic attack. And when Levi returned, hair still practically dripping with water, he only had time to calm Eren down before the doctor was addressing all three of them.

"I was afraid this might happen," he said gravely, "This regression. Petra was explaining to me on how hard you guys were working on making Eren independent, and the whole Hutchings business clearly set him back severely."

They were silent, but their silence was agreement enough. Dr. Kruger continued, "Your boss, Erwin, has been asking me about Eren's condition, and been telling me to observe his behavior so we can decide where we go from here. I'm going to keep observing him for another week or so, but at the end of that I think we all need to have a chat with him. I'll see if I can get him up here then, or if not, on the phone. We'll decide what the best course of action for Eren will be from there."

Petra nodded steadily, then turned to her friend when he remained quiet, prompting, "Levi? What do you think?"

He sighed, glancing down at the shivering boy he was still holding against him, before finally relenting, "Okay. Just let Eren get a bit stronger first. His opinion matters too."

"Of course," the doctor smiled kindly.

He saw himself out then, leaving the three of them bemused. Eren of course, at the mention of Erwin and his future, was beginning to grow uneasy once more, immediately assuming the worst.

"He'll have me taken away again," he whispered, half to himself, "He'll have us separated. He'll have me sent back to Hutchings. Oh God, I can't go back there. I won't make it this time. I won't. I can't"-

"Eren, shh, shh," Levi halted his ramblings, "hey, listen to me. You're getting ahead of yourself. Nothing's been decided. First of all, Erwin is sending you back to Hutchings over my dead body. Second of all, I don't want you to even think about that right now. What you need to do is concentrate on getting yourself well again. I'll do the worrying for both of us, okay?"

Eren still eyed him uncertainly, but Levi said sincerely, "I promise you that things are going to be different than what they were before. Petra and I are here now. We're going to protect the you now and the you in the future."

"Promise," Petra affirmed.

And reluctantly, the boy chose to believe them, too afraid of the alternative.

Luckily, as the week progressed, Eren began to grow stronger, able to sit up and stay awake for longer periods each day. One morning, he even woke Levi up with a small peck on the lips, their first kiss since he had arrived, and it took all that Levi possessed not to roll him over and pin him to the bed in his happiness. Once the doctor declared it safe for him to eat solid foods and had the feeding tube removed, Levi did the next best thing. He squeezed Eren tightly to him, placed a hand on the back of his head, and kissed him, enthusiastically, uncaring of the other sets of eyes in the room.

However, a few days later, Dr. Kruger also announced that he would be calling Erwin and they would be talking to him via speakerphone.

On that day, the room was cleared of everyone except for the doctor, Eren, Petra and Levi, and Eren's heart nearly pounded right out of his chest when he heard Erwin's voice greet them on the other line. Even though the man wasn't physically there, he couldn't help nuzzling his face into the back of Levi's shoulder from his position behind him.

"So, Dr. Kruger tells me things are going well for you guys up there," Erwin prompted, "I hear you're feeling better, Eren?"

When Eren didn't say anything, Levi nudged him with his shoulder, coaxing him to speak. The boy did so, reluctantly though.

"Better, yes. I feel myself getting stronger, um, every day. Dr. Kruger says if I keep going at this rate, I should be out of here by the end of the month."

"That's what I hear," Erwin said, "I'm very happy for you."

"Cut to the chase, Erwin," Levi grumbled, "What do you plan on doing with Eren now?"

"Well, Levi," the other man asked, "In your professional opinion, what do you think should happen to him?"

Levi didn't even hesitate. "I think he should come back home with me. Petra and I were talking, and she thinks perhaps he should see a different psychologist, but he can't go back to Hutchings, Erwin. He just can't. No matter the qualifications of the facility, being back there might break him for good this time."

Eren pulled in a soft, shuddering breath. The idea of going back with Levi, the idea of going _home_ , after being away from it for so long, made a wave of relief crash over him so strongly that for a moment, he couldn't draw in a breath again. To go back to the precious mornings of coffee by the kitchen window, walks in the woods, of cuddles on the couch, of peace and happiness…Eren found himself praying feverishly, praying that Erwin would allow him to go.

There was a pause, before Erwin said, "I agree, he shouldn't go back to Hutchings. However, Levi, I don't think he's ready to go back home yet either."

Eren sucked in his breath, and Levi immediately went on the offensive, emotions blinding him to logic. "Erwin, you can't"-

"Levi, listen to me."

The commanding tone was enough to shut his mouth, but the outrage still simmered, waiting for a chance to burst forth again. He listened as Erwin continued with, "The incident with the nurse was awful, and definitely set Eren back. However, his reaction to it, to me and to Dr. Kruger, only proves how much he isn't ready to return home yet. If anything, this is only going to prolong his need for intensive psychiatric care. We both feel that he should be placed in a different psychiatric center once he recovers."

"No," Eren gasped behind Levi, burying his face in the back of the man's neck. "No no no."

The boy's fear brought forth that outrage again, and had Levi growling, "Erwin, you can't do this to him again. I won't"-

"Levi!" Erwin said firmly. "Enough! You didn't let me finish."

The man however was still seething, so Petra placed her hand on his arm and whispered, "It's alright. Just listen to what he has to say. It can't hurt."

Exhaling deeply, he took a moment to collect himself, before he grumbled, "Fine. Keep going."

Erwin explained, "I think Eren should go to a different psychiatric center. But one where you could visit him."

Both of them froze. Even Petra looked pleasantly shocked. Erwin took the silence as a sign to continue.

"I've learned from my mistakes, Levi. While both of you need to learn how to be apart from each other, making you go cold turkey isn't the best way to do it. You both were miserable, to put it lightly. So, I got in contact with a hospital about three hours away from Hutchings, and they've agreed to implement a program for Eren where if he does well for that week, his reward is being able to see you that weekend. Likewise, you have to keep seeing your therapist so you can work on yourself as well. Sound fair?"

Levi craned his neck to look at Eren, both of them absorbing Erwin's words. Eren still looked shaken, but significantly less so. Levi sighed, and looked over at his friend. "What do you think, Petra?"

She seemed to consider her words carefully, before settling on, "Well, we have to remember how hard it is for Eren to adjust to new environments. He obviously didn't adjust to Hutchings well at all. But perhaps in this new place, things might be different if Levi was there more often. I hate to say it, but the professional side of me agrees that Eren shouldn't be sent home right now."

Levi looked away from her and glanced over at the boy behind him. "Eren?"

Eren stiffened, refusing to look at him, wanting nothing more than to hide his face in the security of the other man's body. Later, he figured. For now, he had to say something. "I think…I know I want to go home. I want that more than anything. Are you sure there's no way I can go home now, Erwin?"

"If you went home now, chances are you'd end right back up at another psychiatric hospital at some point, either today or tomorrow," Erwin told him grimly.

The boy clenched his sheets. He took a deep breath, before eventually saying softly, "I-I'm sorry-I don't know."

Dr. Kruger sighed heavily and Erwin said firmly, "Listen, Eren, this isn't really a choice. I'd rather it be your choice, of course, but we can have you involuntarily committed. After what you've been through, I don't want to have to do that."

Eren winced, and whimpered, hiding his face back into the nape of Levi's neck. Levi in turn told Erwin firmly, "He'll think it over, Erwin. We'll let you know what he decides."

Erwin was silent for a moment, before he finally said, "Fine. But I'll need an answer soon."

With that, the head of the Wings of Freedom told them goodbye, promising that he'd be in touch. Eren was still stiff in the resulting silence, that is until Levi turned around and embraced him. He scrunched himself up, resting his head on Levi's shoulder, surprisingly tired after such an intense conversation. It soothed him to feel the vibrations of Levi's words against his cheek, but the words themselves weren't as calming as they should be.

"Don't worry, kid," he told him, "We'll figure this out."

Eren said nothing, fighting the urge to bite his lip uneasily.

000

Almost immediately after that phone call, the hospital saw a dip in Eren's recovery. It was subtle at first; saying he felt too full to finish his dinner, or too tired to do his muscle strengthening exercises. But then it increased exponentially; skipping meals altogether, remaining in bed for days at a time, and all the while the boy smiling and pretending nothing was amiss. When he went an entire day without eating, Levi decided enough was enough and confronted him about it.

"What's going on, brat?" he asked, gently, but in a tone that still booked no room for argument. The two of them were laying side by side in the bed, all of the hospital lights shut off for the night and Levi twirling a bit of Eren's hair around his finger. When Eren raised an eyebrow at him, he continued with, "Don't think we haven't noticed. Why did you stop eating?"

The boy then averted his eyes guiltily, but of course offered up no response.

Lev frowned deeper, and his hand stopped moving, resting instead on the other's neck. "Eren," he said the boy's name warningly.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Eren said, "I didn't mean to."

"Failing to eat isn't exactly something you do accidentally, kid."

The boy bit his lip, realizing his mistake. He still kept his eyes on anything but Levi as he amended his statement by saying, "No, I meant…well, I really am sorry. But I just, I can't anymore, Levi. It's too much. Everything we talked about the other day, all of that."

The older man considered his words, before wondering, "So is it just nerves? Is that what's keeping you from eating?"

Eren paused, kept his eyes on the sheets, before finally answering, "…yes."

Levi raised an eyebrow, and noticed something very definite, even in the darkness. "Brat, you're lying. Your ears are turning red."

The boy sucked in a breath. _Shit._ "It's...Levi, please"-

"Please what? I can't help you unless you tell me. And I hate to say it, but you're still so weak and thin, that if you keep this up, they're not going to have a choice but to stick another feeding tube down your throat tomorrow."

Eren swallowed hard, feeling sweat prickle at the back of his neck uncomfortably. If they did that…he shuddered, finally decided it wasn't worth it, and finally mumbled, "I don't want you to leave me again."

The older man had to do a double take at that explanation, and he even asked, "What do you mean?"

"I mean that you're going to have to go back home and leave me when I get better. And if I keep going like this, that's going to be soon. I was thinking of doing either this or biting myself. Or both."

The other man's eyes grew wide. So that was it. Eren was purposefully keeping himself from getting well so that Levi could stay with him longer. He was that desperate for Levi to stay that he would keep harming himself. Levi drew in a shuddering sigh, released it, and then pulled Eren into a tight embrace, pressing the boy's head against his shoulder and in turn pushing his cheek against the top of Eren's head. He simply held him for a moment, feeling sick and uncertain with what he should say next. However, he knew he had to say _something._ Otherwise…

Levi pulled back from the embrace, and looked Eren in the eyes. His sunken in, still too large and slightly dull eyes, eyes that had seen too much of the bad in the world and not enough of the good. Not yet. He brushed some stray hair away from Eren's face, and then rested his hand on his cheek, stroking it idly with his thumb.

"Eren," he murmured, "I want you to come home with me. More than anything, if I could, I would take you straight out of this hospital, load you into the back seat of my car, and take you home tonight. I want you back in our bed. I want to keep taking care of you, laughing with you, kissing you, making love to you, fucking around in the kitchen or backyard like a couple of idiots. And I know you want that too."

Eren placed his hand on top of Levi's, intense longing panging in his chest. "More than anything," he replied, throat tightening. "I want to go back to how things were. I just want to be with you. I don't want you to go, Levi. I'm not ready."

"Will you ever be ready, do you think?" Levi wanted to know, already knowing the answer.

"…no." Eren gripped his hand a little tighter. "I just got you back. Whenever I think about you having to leave again, all I can think of is how horrible it was when we were separated that first time. And then my chest gets tight and I can't think."

"Shh," Levi soothed, seeing that the boy's breathing was in fact picking up in response, "Easy now. Eren, why are you so afraid of me leaving?"

It took a minute for him to collect his thoughts, but eventually the younger man replied softly, "Because I'm safe with you. When I'm not with you, I don't feel safe anymore. Only…only my parents ever made me feel safe, and now they're gone. Then Nile took me. Then they put me with you and I was safe again, and then the hospital took me, and then I was- they hurt me again."

"I know," Levi whispered, "I know. So you want to be with me because I make you feel safe?"

"Mhmm. And…I know it's silly, but I'm always afraid that when you leave me, that it's the last time I'll see you."

 _Because that's what happened with his parents,_ the older man realized. Then, out loud, he said, "It's not silly. I freak out too when you're not with me. To a much lesser degree, but Eren, I get anxiety too when I don't have you next to me. Because you make me feel safe too. And both of us, we've been so traumatized by feeling unsafe, that anything that remotely resembles that old environment brings back all that anxiety again."

"Yes. _Yes."_

"But Eren, kid," Levi began stroking through Eren's hair, noting sadly how greasy it felt, "It's- I know it's unfair- but as long as you're like this, they won't let you back home. Not ever. As long as you're like this, the most you can ever hope for is to be in and out of hospitals and psychiatric centers for the rest of your life, and for me to only come and visit you on the days they let me. All those happy memories of us in my house, they'll only ever be that. We'll never get to make new ones. As long as you fight them, the psychiatric centers will become your new home."

Eren's eyes filled with tears, the horror of the thought consuming him, and he quickly buried his face in Levi's chest. Levi rubbed the back of his head, wrapping his arms around him securely, and telling him, "If you want to come home Eren, all you have to do is go to this place once so that you never have to go back to one ever again."

The boy's heart was slamming into his ribs, and he shook his head, mumbling something against his chest that might have been, "I can't," but Levi couldn't be sure. He simply kept smoothing down his hair, and reassured him, "You're the bravest person I've ever met. And you're determined, and stubborn and…you can do this. It's going to be different than before. Because you won't be alone. I'm not saying it won't be hard at first, but you're going to get through it."

Eren stayed hidden against his chest for a few minutes longer, working out the last of his tears, before he murmured, "You'll visit every weekend?"

Levi affirmed, "Every weekend. I don't care if it's further away than the last place. I'd drive right down into Hell to see you if that's where they were keeping you."

He felt Eren snicker, but the sound was clogged by his stuffy nose. Sniffling, he said, "You're not going to Hell, Levi. Remember? We're going to come back as spoiled house cats. We'll have forgotten everything bad and remember everything good by then. Right?"

The older man paused, thinking about a reality where he didn't remember the pain of being kept like a beast in a cage and tormented in every way possible just because a couple of other people found it amusing. A reality where he wasn't afraid of the dark or needles, or being alone. A reality where he woke up every morning feeling like he was as confident and happy as he dreamed of being. It sounded too wonderful to ever be possible.

He hugged the boy closer and nuzzled his hair, before he hummed contentedly and replied, "Right. I suppose if I could somehow meet someone like you at the end of everything, nothing is impossible."

Eren didn't reply verbally, but Levi felt him shiver, clutch at the back of his shirt, and nuzzle his face even tighter against his chest.

000

As they both guessed, leaving Eren at the new hospital when he finally recovered was almost as hard on them as the last time they had done this. Eren had been a mess for the entire car ride, and it taken them almost two hours to convince him to get out of the car. Levi hadn't been much of a help either, too distressed by Eren's crying to do anything at first. However, eventually, they had parted after they had gotten Eren settled in his room, both of them squeezing each other extra tightly, Levi promising over and over again that he would be back in six days to see him, that they both just had to hold on until then.

Of course the first few days had been hard, and the only reason Eren gotten through it, made an attempt to get better and do what he was told was because of not being able to see Levi. However, he must have done something right, and Levi in turn must have listened to his therapist's recommendations, because he was able to keep his promise and return to Eren six days later.

They weren't always that lucky. Over the course of Eren's recovery, they had their peaks and valleys. There were times where they had to go weeks without seeing each other because one of them had regressed in some way or another. Eren even had to go to the hospital twice because of him finally snapping and biting himself again. Even the weekends where they could see each other weren't always filled with happiness. Sometimes would just spend it holding each other on Eren's bed without saying much. Sometimes one or both of them would be filled with frustration and would use each other as an outlet for it, venting to their heart's content. Sometimes both of them would just spend the two days crying onto each other's shoulders.

But they had their good weekends too, weekends full of affection, of encouragement and laughter. Of Levi showing Eren videos he had taken of things at home, and he and Eren planning all of the things they were going to do when Eren was released. Every week was played by ear, and slowly but surely, it began to pay off.

Until finally, two years after Eren walked through the doors of Hutchings that first cold evening, he was walking out of the doors of this hospital into the fresh spring sunlight just a few days shy of his twenty first birthday. Petra was accompanying him out after signing all of his release forms, saying that Levi was waiting for them in the parking lot.

"Why didn't he come in too?" Eren wanted to know as they opened the glass double doors to the outside.

Petra giggled, actually giggled, and just promised him, "You'll see."

The moment he caught sight of Levi's car in the parking lot, he began to power walk over to it. When Levi saw him and stepped, oddly enough, out of the back seat, Eren broke into a run, not caring if he left Petra behind, or about anything else, really. He didn't stop until he had pulled Levi into his arms, practically crashing into him and knocking them both back against the car. He heard Levi let out a grunt at the impact, to which Eren apologized profusely. Levi just laughed at his enthusiasm, and the two of them hugged each other tightly. Eren backed away after a minute, only to cup the sides of Levi's face and press their lips together in a kiss. It was long, enthusiastic, and Eren used far too much tongue in a far too public place. Not that Levi cared. Hell, he had suddenly forgotten where they were altogether.

It was only Petra clearing her throat behind them that caused them to break apart, both of them blushing. She laughed and chided, "Everyone can see you, boys, just so as you know."

"Sorry, but I don't give a fuck," Levi grumbled.

Petra rolled her eyes, but nodded toward the car, causing Levi to take Eren's hands suddenly, remembering. He looked into the boy's eyes, and asked, "Petra said that I had a surprise for you, yes?"

"Mhmm!" Eren nodded excitedly, bouncing on the balls of his feet like a little kid.

Levi let a pleased grin spread across his face, and began explaining, "So…um, let's just say that Erwin must have remembered some of the things I told him about you, and wanted to apologize for what he's done. For one thing, he told me that when it's time and you feel ready, he would love to have you as part of the Wings of Freedom, and that if you wanted to work beside me, he thought that would be great. Thought we'd make an effective team with our combined experience."

Eren's eyes began shining with happiness, and he squeaked, "Really? Oh Levi, that's…"

"That's only half of it," Levi chuckled, and he backed out of Eren's embrace. He gripped the handle of the car door, before telling him, "The other half, well, Erwin still felt guilty, and he decided that in our case, he'd let one of his policies slide. Thought it might help you, and perhaps any other future kids we might rehabilitate together."

He opened the door with a click, and there, sitting on the blanket that covered the back seat, staring up at him with too-large, dark eyes and even larger ears that fanned out on the sides of its head and a bright red bow around its neck, was…was…

Eren covered his mouth with his hand, but not in time to muffle his gasp. Tears immediately sprung up on his waterline, and for a moment, he forgot how to breathe. He didn't dare to move in case this was all a dream as Levi reached in a picked up the Corgi puppy from the back seat and placed it in Eren's arms. The boy stared down in wonder for a moment, before he was squeezing his eyes shut, the puppy wiggling around and climbing up his face to lick all over his eyes and nose, scratching his upper lip as it went. Eren began laughing and crying all at once.

When the puppy settled slightly, and Eren was sure he had a firm grip on it, he gasped, "She's for me?"

"Yes brat, you have a brat of your own now. We picked her up on the way here," Levi explained, unable to keep the smile off his face.

"Does she have a name?"

"Nope, that's up to you. At least, Petra says it's wiser if the decision is left up to you. I've been calling her Little Shit all the way down, because that's what she keeps leaving on my back seat."

Petra snorted, and it made even more delighted laughter bubble up out of Eren. He snuggled the puppy to his chest, regarded her for a minute, and declared, "Well, I've been thinking of puppy names for a while, and I think I'm going to call you Fawn. For all the deer in Levi's backyard."

Levi nodded approvingly, and Petra added, "Better than Little Shit."

Eren kissed the top of his puppy's head, and then breathed, "Thank you. I can't believe- I just…I never thought"-

"You're welcome," Levi answered, smiling crookedly.

Eren stared into his eyes happily for a moment, before his gaze drifted downward towards the other man's chest. His heart thudded out an extra beat as his eyes rested on the pendant laying innocently just below Levi's collar bone. He stared at it fondly for a few seconds, before saying, "I can't believe you kept it all this time."

Levi glanced down at the pendant, and blushed, mumbling, "Well, of course I did. You told me to keep it safe. And it helped remind me of you, so…"

He leaned forward carefully, mindful of the puppy, and kissed Levi gently. So tender in fact was the kiss that it seemed to thrum in a special way right through Levi's bones, and he even followed Eren's lips when they pulled back from his.

"Thank you again," Eren said.

The older man waved him off. "I told you, kid, it's"-

"No," Eren shook his head, "Thank you for making me cry. And being unable to breathe. Like this. For making me cry because I'm so happy, instead of being sad."

Levi grinned, huge and bright, and said, "Well, I hope I can make you so happy that you cry lots more times."

Eren smiled and his cheeks turned red. He hugged the puppy tighter to his chest, and she in turn leaned up to lick his chin.

"Alright kids, pile in. Eren's stuff is in the car so we're going home," Petra announced, already opening up the driver's side and hopping in.

Eren happily climbed in behind her, keeping his puppy on his lap while Levi climbed in next to him. As the car started, a rush of adrenaline surged through the boy, and he couldn't stop thinking about how the word "home," as much as he had thought about it and wished for it, had never sounded as sweet as it did now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title means "home." Sorry it took so long to get out! Just one more to go now! That one will probably be out after I finish school in a couple weeks, so stay tuned!


	32. Epilogue: Federkleid

**Ten Years Later**

When his sleep schedule finally regulated itself out and the insomnia lessened significantly, it was then that Levi could truly consider himself a morning person. He still loved getting up just a little bit after the sun rose. It was different now though because it was by choice, and he always woke feeling refreshed and comfortable, ready to take on anything the day threw at him.

But even six in the morning was a bit too early for him. And he didn't appreciate his first obstacle of the day being a wet tongue licking his lips.

Levi tried to ignore it, as he usually did, but of course that tongue was insistent, and more persistent than any alarm clock. With an unhappy sigh, he finally cracked his eyes open to meet the dark eyes of Fawn, seeing that of course her front feet were propped up on the edge of the bed. She was panting serenely and looking at him expectantly, leaning her head away when she saw that he was awake. Levi groaned, shutting his eyes again.

"…'ren," he grumbled sleepily.

No response from the lump still snoring beside him. Levi tried again, louder this time. "Eren."

Still nothing. Thoroughly irritated, Levi nudged him firmly with his foot, causing Eren to snort awake and mumble, "Mmm? Mmwhat."

The older man's eyes were shut, but he could still hear Fawn panting and of course smell her dog breath fanning over his face. "You daughter is asking to go out."

He heard Eren draw in a sleepy sigh through his nose behind him, before he said groggily, "You take 'er."

"Eren…"

"It's my birthday. Take 'er for me jus' once. Please?"

"Ereeen," Levi tried again, whining more than he meant to.

But of course the little shit had already fallen back asleep, his breathing evening out once more. Levi exhaled deeply, deciding he should just accept his fate like a man.

It _was_ Eren's birthday after all.

So he took several deep breaths, hoping the extra oxygen would wake him up further, scrubbed at his eyes, before he eventually sat up. Fawn backed up, allowing him to get out of bed and slip on some slippers, before she followed him out of the room, his gait stiff with weariness and Fawn's nails clicking on the floor beside him. He yawned as he went, making his way into the dining room where the large kennel was kept. Levi then pushed his hair out of his face to better see the latch to open it, watching as three heads perked up from their cuddle pile when they heard him approach.

"Come on beasts," he said, voice still gravelly, "Up and at 'em. We're going outside."

At the magic "o" word, all three of them stood up and stretched up the bars, shaking off the sleepiness and trotting out of the kennel once the door was opened. All four dogs followed him to the back door, circling around him once he stopped to slip on a light jacket. The youngest even waited as Levi clipped a leash to his collar. Once he was all set, he opened the back door, and the dogs went flying out the door and into the field.

The grass was still wet as he stepped outside, and surprisingly, for early spring this far north, the weather was very warm today, almost summer-like. Levi scoffed. It wouldn't last long. Tomorrow they'd probably wake up with frost on the grass again. But for now, for Eren's birthday, he would relish it. Perhaps they could even do something fun outside today. Eren would probably just want to drive somewhere with the dogs.

Levi smiled down at them. After Fawn, of course he had wanted more. No, they didn't have twenty, but for Levi, this was plenty. They had picked up a black tri-color brother and sister pair and named them Finvarra and Oona, and finally, just a couple of years ago, they had gone and gotten Maple, a little red male. They all had their own quirks. Fawn was the undisputed mother, keeping everyone in line, breaking up fights, and then looking to her papas for approval when she did so. Finvarra liked jumping on (and to their horror, off) very high surfaces, perhaps being a mountain goat in his past life. Oona had a tendency to go limp when picked up, making it so that they weren't prepared for her weight those first few times and accidentally dropping her. Last of all, Maple had the attention span of a toddler, having his nose to the ground one moment looking for something and then the next, a moth would fly by his face and then he would be chasing after that. And Eren loved each and every one of them as if he had given birth to them himself, and though Levi pretended that they were annoying, secretly, he enjoyed them and their stupid habits. Primarily because they had proved themselves useful over and over again.

Speaking of, he heard Maple begin to whine excitedly by his feet. Levi looked in the direction that he was looking, and sure enough, there was a deer stepping over to the garden he had finally gotten up the courage to make a few years ago. Eren had convinced him that it would be fine now, and Levi had wondered what could possibly be different now.

"Well, we have the dogs now," Eren had told him simply.

Levi glanced around the field, noticing that the other three dogs hadn't seen it yet. To get their attention, he whistled, short and sharp, and all three heads lifted at the sound, ears erect. He called out, "Find!" while gesturing toward where the deer was, and within moments, the dogs were racing over to it.

Once the doe realized its situation, it began to take off, however, it began to race towards the front of the house and to the busy road, not towards the woods. Panicking slightly, he cried to the dogs, "Away! Away to me, pups!"

And like a well-oiled machine, they veered right, Finvarra cutting off the deer's retreat. When the deer froze, Levi told him, "Finny, speak up," and Finvarra barked, startling the deer back into action.

Automatically, they began to work to get it moving towards the forest, following Levi's commands of, "away" to go left or "come by" to drive it to the right, nipping at its heels when necessary. When the deer kicked, its feet sailed right over their heads, until eventually, it reached the woods and bounded inside the tree line. Maple whined and pulled at his leash, barking excitedly as he watched.

"I know," Levi said, "Once you figure out that you're supposed to come back when you're called, then you can help them." He then called across the field, "That'll do, kids!" He whistled long and loud, and three fluffy sausage bodies rocketed across the grass as fast as their little legs could carry them until they were at his side once more. They were all panting, their eyes bright. Oona was even jumping up on his legs excitedly, all of them looking like they had had a grand time playing the most exciting game. And to them, keeping the deer out of papa's garden _was_ a game, one that they got treats and pets for if they played it right.

He led them all back inside, toweling them off to get rid of the dew still clinging to their fur and giving them their treats, before leaving them to sleep in the gated off living room. He decided then to make his way back into the bedroom, plopping back down onto his bed once he was there and curling back around Eren, burying his face into the back of his shoulder and spooning him as best he could. As soon as his cold feet touched the backs of Eren's legs, the other man shivered.

"Your feet are cold," he rasped, sounding more awake than he had before.

"You didn't fall back asleep did you, you little shit," Levi observed, snuggling in further.

"Couldn't," Eren said, "Heard we had a deer in the backyard having a go at your garden."

Levi hummed, and then asked, "So what do you want to do today? It's warm out. We wanted to stop by and see Petra, right?"

Eren thought about it for a moment, before deciding, "Yes. And maybe we could go for a pretty drive with the dogs?"

"Of course," he snorted. His boy just snuggled closer to him in response, laughing softly.

"Then afterwards maybe we could fool around?"

"We could see about that." He placed a kiss on the back of Eren's shoulder.

"Outside? Since it's a nice day?"

Levi smiled against his shoulder blade, loving that Eren always seemed to remember that Levi loved making love outside, and always seemed to be willing to indulge him whenever he could. In fact, it was fair to say that Eren even seemed to like making love outside to. "Sure, brat. Sounds great."

"Not a brat anymore," Eren pouted.

Levi reached around and put his fingers under the other's shirt, tickling his stomach and making Eren squirm and giggle. Levi snorted again and said, "You're always going to be my brat. Even when you have gray in your hair."

"I don't have gray hair yet!" Eren laughed, halfheartedly pushing Levi's hands away, "That's you!"

"Do not," Levi tickled him even more, "If I do, it's from you."

Even when he finally did stop tickling him, Eren's shoulders kept shaking with little tremors of laughter. Levi just kept his chin on his shoulder and his arms wrapped around his waist, cuddling him and taking in his musky smell. Yes, Eren wasn't a little brat anymore. While Levi hadn't changed much (except for the few aforementioned gray hairs that no one except Eren seemed to notice), Eren had filled out quite a bit more, leaving behind his gangly adolescent body for a man's. Though he shaved, Levi would be the first to admit that the five o' clock shadow look was quite befitting of Eren, and he didn't always remind him to shave in order to keep it around longer. He had also grown his hair out quite a bit, to the point that he often wore in low ponytails and buns to keep it out of his face. He was every bit a man now. In fact…

"Eren, I just realized something," Levi murmured, "Today, you turned the age I was when I first met you."

Eren paused, a thoughtful look on his face, and then his lips slowly curved up into a grin. He quickly rolled over and placed a long, soft kiss on Levi's forehead, before placing two shorter ones over each closed eye lid. He didn't say anything, didn't need to; they just stared into each other's eyes for a brief moment, before Eren's gaze dropped down to Levi's hand resting between them. A glint caught his eye and his mouth quirked even further into a smirk.

"I keep telling you, you don't have to wear that to bed," he said, "I won't be mad if you don't."

"And I keep telling _you_ ," Levi sniffed, "I don't care if my skin grows around it, nobody is taking this ring off my finger unless they pry it from my cold, dead hands."

Eren snorted loudly. "So dramatic."

"Yeah, yeah. Who couldn't get through our vows and had to stop because he kept having to blow his nose from all the crying?"

"Both of us. Well, who proposed to me in the most wonderfully cheesy way possible by getting down on one knee on the beach where we first sang that one song about marriage together and then proposed to me with that same song?"

Levi rolled his eyes, reached around and gave Eren a light slap on the butt. "Get up, moron. I'm going to start breakfast."

"Yes, dearest." Eren stuck his tongue out at him, and gave him a return slap as Levi got up to leave. The older man glared at him over his shoulder, but his lips were curled into a grin.

Once Levi disappeared, Eren eventually rose from the bed and dressed, sliding on a shirt that said "Guess what? Corgi butt" on it and deciding he could do something about his hair later. Instead, he strode into the living room, catching sight of the dogs through the doorway that led to the kitchen all crowded around Levi's feet and staring up at him hopefully, waiting for some of that breakfast simmering on the stove to fall on the floor. The sight never ceased to endear him, and he laughed softly when both Maple and Oona stood up to lean against each of Levi's legs, licking their lips. However, at hearing Eren laugh, four heads swung around, followed by four dogs zooming out of the kitchen and meeting him in the living room. Eren sunk down to the floor, laying flat on his back and let them crawl all over him, ears laid back happily and butts wagging like they hadn't seen him in years.

"Hi kids!" he exclaimed, "Fluffy sausage dogs! Hello, hel- blech, Fawn, get the tongue out of my mouth. Fawn, enough- oof! Finny, you monster, you knocked the air out of me. Oh my God I'm being crushed, Levi help!"

Levi looked over his shoulder for a moment to see that his husband had indeed disappeared under a writhing mass of excited, wiggling and licking Corgi bodies, cackling like a madman. Levi just shrugged, turned back to his pan and said flatly, "I'll bring chips to your funeral."

He rolled his eyes when Eren kept shrieking and making fake choking sounds, before he unexpectedly growled in triumph and cried out, "I got one! I caught one of the fierce beasts! Quick let's put it in the pan with the bacon before it gets away!"

Levi snorted very unattractively at that, looking up while he turned off the stove to see that Eren had picked up Oona and was holding her tight to his chest and trotting around the living room while the other three dogs chased him, nipping at his heels. He put their breakfast onto plates, bacon and eggs for himself a tart covered with powdered sugar for Eren, but he knew it was probably going to grow cold before Eren would sit down to eat it. And despite knowing that, Levi couldn't find it within himself to interrupt him. Not when the fondness was swelling up in his chest at seeing Eren laughing and being silly with their kids, not when his face was flushed with color like that. Not when he was so happy.

So instead, he watched them play, watched Eren act like the child he never got to be, but finally now had the chance to.

000

About an hour later, they arrived at Petra's, where both she and Levi had agreed they would give their gifts to Eren. She greeted them on the doorstep, a huge smile on her face, and gave them each a strong hug. When she pulled back, she regarded Eren, the smile somehow getting even bigger.

"Alright Eren, I just want to prepare you before you go in," she said, "Most of my present to you is in the living room."

Eren blinked at her a few times in confusion. "Okay?"

Petra just laughed at his expression, and reassured him, "You'll see."

He looked to Levi, who just shrugged, clearly having no idea what she meant either, before she opened the door behind her.

Immediately, shouts of, "Surprise!" rose up, causing Eren to freeze on the spot, his mouth hanging open in shock. There were people here, enough people to fill up Petra's living room. And as Eren deciphered their faces, he felt his heart skipping even more beats. There was Dr. Zoe, almost unrecognizable without her white coat on. The other members of the Wings of Freedom were there too; Eld, Oluo and Gunther, even Erwin. Eren's friends Christa, whom he had kept in touch with, and Sasha, whom he had befriended upon returning home, were also there, smiling brightly at him and applauding at his surprised face. Last of all were his and Levi's last case, two newly turned adults Isabel and Farlan. All of them were clapping and laughing at his expression, and Levi, though he was just as surprised, was the first to recover and nudge Eren through the doorway.

He was quickly enveloped into a hug by Isabel, who, even though it had only been a couple months since had last seen her, looked as if she already doing loads better than when he and Levi had helped her and Farlan move into their new place together, brighter and more confident. Erwin strode over and placed a hand on Eren's and Levi's shoulders both, regarding them with a warm smile.

"Besides coming here to wish him a happy birthday," he said, "I want to congratulate you on a job well done on your first case, Eren. I was speaking with Farlan and Isabel before you came in, and they were telling me how wonderful you've been with them."

Eren looked away and blushed, and Levi just crossed his arms and gave him a hard stare, grumbling, "Well of course we did a good job. I'm the best one this organization has, and Eren did everything I told him."

"And he was a lot less scary than you," Isabel pointed out.

Farlan chuckled next to her while Levi rolled his eyes. Erwin continued, "Well, regardless, I'm looking forward to assigning you both many more cases in the future. And, now that I think about it, I think the smartest decision I ever made for the Wings of Freedom was adding you to it, Levi. And having Eren with you has only made you stronger."

Eren and Levi shared a proud look. Levi just said, "I'm only stronger because I found my other half, and he made me whole."

Once more, Eren's face heated up, and he agreed softly, "And you made me whole, too."

Erwin's eyes filled with warmth, and he said, "Eren, I know I've made mistakes with you in the past, mistakes I'll never be able to atone for. But I'll spend as long as I have to trying to make it up to you. And I hope someday you'll be able to forgive me."

Eren returned his smile. "I think you're on your way, Erwin."

At that moment, Hanji came over with Sasha in to wish him a happy birthday, both of them hugging him at the same time while Erwin and Levi were forced to step aside. From then on, it was well wishing from all of his friends, as well as plenty more hugs and laughs, telling him how amazing he had been on his first case, and how much he had grown, etc. How happy they were that he was part of their little family now, and how Levi was a much better for him being there. How Levi himself agreed with all of their claims, not verbally, but with the warmth in his gazes that he kept flashing Eren, and the subtle squeeze of his hand or a kiss on his cheek.

Eventually, Eren was whispering into Levi's ear, "Hey, do you think we could get going?"

"Are you okay?" the older man asked, concerned.

Eren smiled at him, but it was an uneasy one, one Levi had learned to recognize. "Well…I feel horrible, but being around all of these people- my heart's pounding and I can't get it to stop."

"Are you dizzy?"

"Getting there."

"Alright," Levi said, stroking his cheek soothingly, "We'll make our excuses and leave, okay?"

Eren nodded, but his face was still shadowed with guilt. "I feel bad. All of these people came here for me, and now I'm the first one to back out of my own party."

"Hey." The older man ran his fingers through Eren's hair. "They'll understand, you know they will. If not, they'll have to deal with me."

Eren leaned into his palm briefly, and once again wondered for a brief moment as to how he had gotten so lucky to be married to a man like Levi.

With that, they told everyone else that they were leaving, saying something about how Eren wanted to drive into town today, and that if they were going to make it they had to leave now. It wasn't a complete lie, of course, as they really did want to head out. Everyone bid them goodbye, and Petra walked them to the door, reaching up to give them both one last hug.

"Thanks again for inviting everyone here," Eren told her as he pulled away, "I really appreciate it. I'm sorry for leaving like this"-

She waved him off and interrupted, "Eren, sweetie, it's okay. I know you're much better than you were, but that being around too many people at once for so long is sometimes still too much for you. I'm sure everyone was about ready to leave anyway."

"Thanks for understanding," he said after a moment, smiling in relief and thanks, "I don't know what I did to deserve someone like you in my life, Petra. You're too good to me."

"Aw, baby," she cooed, "You deserve it. If for nothing else than you have to put up with Levi twenty four hours a day, you need someone to be decent to you once in a while."

"Ha ha," Levi drawled. "Come on Eren, let's get away from her nonsense."

"You know what, I think you're right Petra, I should have married you instead," Eren teased.

She laughed, and Levi scoffed, though his eyes were sparkling with mirth. However, finally, Petra bid him goodbye, telling him, "Have fun in town! I'll be here if you need me for anything!"

Eren waved to her, already heading down the driveway towards their car, Levi in tow. And truthfully, he of course thought he had done nothing to deserve someone as wonderful as Petra caring about him, but as long as she was here, he wouldn't complain, and would count his blessings that she had been there for him every step of his journey to recovery.

000

As soon as they got home, Eren and Levi packed the dogs into the car and headed out, because while Eren did want to head into town for the sake of a peaceful and relaxing drive, it wasn't the only reason he wanted to go. Not if the large bouquet of flowers sitting at his feet had anything to say about it.

An hour and a half later, they arrived at their destination, driving into the picturesque cemetery and navigating their way along the winding, cobblestone roads. Levi was driving, Eren sitting in the passenger seat with Fawn in his lap. The rest of the dogs were sitting in the back seat with the windows rolled down and their heads sticking out of the car, panting happily. When the car rolled to a stop and Levi put it in park, however, they began whining excitedly and pacing back and forth across the seat. Also, when they stopped, Eren clutched Fawn a little tighter against his chest, his expression tightening and his shoulders tensing. Levi of course picked up on it immediately, and he looked over at him in concern.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, fine," Eren said, "It's just, haven't been here in a few years, you know? I feel guilty. And…"

"And?"

"Coming here always makes me sad. Reminds me of what I don't have anymore."

Levi reached over and placed his hand on Eren's upper arm, giving it a few reassuring strokes, and told him, "Trust me, I know exactly how that feels. It gets easier as the years go on though, I promise. At least you made it, right? They'll appreciate that, and I know they understand."

Eren smiled softly, more to himself than to anyone else, before Levi prompted that they get out of the car. The younger man nodded, and said, "Here, unpack the kids then, please? I'll grab the flowers."

Levi got out first, came around to Eren's side to clip a leash to Fawn's collar and get her out of the car first, before going around to the back and helping the other dogs out of the car as well. While he did that, Eren reached down at his feet for the bouquet and hopped out of the car, shutting the door behind him. Once he saw that Levi was already weaving his way through the headstones with two dogs in each hand and that he had them under control, he made his way over to the gravestone in the middle of the row beside the road.

His parents' gravestone.

He knelt down in front of it, removing the faded bouquet of flowers he had put in front of it the last time he had been here, and replaced it with the fresh one. Once that was done, he simply sighed mournfully as he took in his parents' names, as well as their birth and death dates.

Over the years, he had been here several times, the first being a month after he had come home with Levi and Petra from the psychiatric center. And every single time he came upon this headstone, the sight of it always hit him like a punch in the stomach. For a few moments, his breath would stick in his throat, and he would have to remind himself that what he was seeing was real. He had always figured his parents would die before him, he just hadn't thought it would be so soon. And seeing their names etched into stone like that seemed so irrefutable, telling him with utter finality that they were gone forever, and that they would forever rest here.

Eren bowed his head. As silly as it sounded, even though he knew they were gone, some small part of him always hoped that when things calmed down and he got home, that he'd find out that his parents weren't really dead, that he'd be able to visit them again and pick up where they left off. But of course this could never be the case. This would be the closest he would ever get to seeing them again.

He placed a hand on the gravestone, hearing the jingling of the dogs' tags and knowing they were far away, and began to speak.

"Hi guys," he whispered, "I'm sorry it's been so long. It's just, I got assigned my first case, and things got so crazy for a while that I just- you know. I'm sure you understand, dad. You were a doctor for Christ's sakes. If anyone knows about being busy…"

He trailed off, and then started up again, collecting his thoughts. "Oh yeah, Isabel and Farlan. You didn't get to hear about them yet, did you? Well, almost right after I finished my training, Erwin said he had two kids fresh out of a religious cult that he wanted us to take a look at, see if Levi and I would be up to the challenge. And my God, they _were_ a challenge. They were scared of the outside world, not as scared as I had been, but they didn't know how any modern technology worked at all. We had to teach them how to do things like work a stove or a toaster. And Levi and I had to retrain them in almost all of their beliefs as to how the world worked. But I think our combined experience, like my empathy and Levi's tenacity really helped. So did having the dogs. Isabel loves animals, and they really helped her come out of her shell. It was just…just so amazing watching these kids grow and become healthier both mentally and physically knowing it was because of Levi and me. We helped them to acknowledge that although the world is a cruel place, it's also very beautiful. Just like Levi did for me."

He lifted head and turned around, taking in the sight of Levi trotting across the field a dozen or so yards away with their four dogs in tow. A soft, fond expression settled over his face, and affection rose up inside him; Levi's hair was shining in the sun, a huge grin was on his face, and he had just encouraged the dogs to burst into a run with him. However, that feeling was quickly chased by one of melancholy, and Eren's face fell.

"I wish you guys could have met him," he said. "He's…I don't have the words. He's saved me in every way I could have been saved. If I hadn't found him or the Wings of Freedom, I'd be dead. I know that for sure, one way or another."

Eren paused, and laughed humorlessly to himself. "You know, I wished so many times in that basement for death. Either that Nile would go too far one time and kill me or that I'd find some way to end my suffering. I remember wanting it so bad that I cried a few times. Just thinking, 'why can't I be dead, why do I have to wake up another morning and suffer another day? What's the point? I don't want to hurt anymore.' But I found that point. Look what I have now. Look what happened because I didn't die back then. I have a life I'm proud of with a man I love more than I can say. We help others that are hurting like we used to, and now I wake up every day happy that I'm alive instead of wishing I were dead."

He sniffed, realizing that he was crying, and wiped away his tears, laughing genuinely this time, and said, "I hope wherever you guys are, that you're proud of me. I hope I'm living the way you'd want me to. And maybe you've even bumped into Kuchel at this point. Are you guys trading embarrassing kid stories of the two of us? Probably. Just make sure you get it all out now so that when I see you guys again someday, you'll have it out of your system, okay?"

The sound of clinking dog tags began to grow closer, and Eren lifted his head, seeing that Levi was being dragged over towards him by the dogs. When they reached Eren, they all hopped up on him, kissing him all at once. He began petting them, glancing up at Levi to see that he was panting hard.

"Little monsters," he huffed, "All of a sudden they were pulling me back over here, and the end of the world wasn't going to stop them from- Eren? What's the matter?"

Eren breathed out another laugh; Levi of course missed nothing when it came to him. He had probably seen that his eyes were still red and glistening with the threat of more tears. He rubbed at one of them, and replied, "Nothing, I'm okay. Just always get emotional when I see them, thinking about how much I wish they could have met you."

The corner of Levi's mouth quirked up, and he knelt down in front of Eren. "I know," he said sincerely, "And I wish I could have met them too. Though I think you told me once that they would have liked me if we had met."

Eren nodded, sniffed again, and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Crap, it's getting late. We should probably get going. I'm done here. It was good seeing them again, you know?"

"I know." Levi's smile grew wider, and he shifted all of the leashes to one hand so that he could reach forward and cup Eren's cheek with the other, wiping away some of the dried tear residue with his thumb. He paused a moment, simply taking in the younger man in front of him, taking in those bright, green eyes, that lovely dark hair pulled back into its low ponytail while the looser strands hung around his face and danced in the soft breeze, his warm, tanned skin beneath his palm, and the tender feeling in his chest grew. The lines of torment had finally been erased from expression after years of coaxing them away, only present in his eyes that to Levi, still looked far too old for the young face they inhabited. They would probably always look that way, sadly.

"Alright kid," he finally said, "Let's go home. We still have a few hours of daylight left, and your birthday isn't over yet. Plus, I do have one more surprise for you."

He stood up and held his hand out for Eren to take, and the younger man did so with a sweet smile, hauling himself to his feet, taking the dogs from Levi. He spared one last glance at the headstone, and then walked back to the car with his head held high, letting the sun warm his face.

Levi meanwhile lingered for an extra moment while Eren put the dogs back into the car, letting his gaze linger on the headstone. He took in the two names etched there, his heart skipping a few beats as he gazed at their last names in particular, for it was Eren's last name, undeniable evidence of their relation to him. He bit his lip, feeling his chest swell with an emotion he couldn't identify; the closest he could come up with was bittersweet, for he felt both melancholy and joy at the same time.

"Thank you," he whispered under his breath, "I know I've told you this guys before, but thank you for bringing Eren into the world so that I could meet him. In your absence, I'll try my best to care for him and make him as happy as possible until he sees you again. And I just hope when that day comes, you can be proud of the both of us."

"Levi, you coming?" Eren called from the car. He had hopped into the driver's seat, already buckled in and hands on the wheel.

"Yup, on my way," Levi answered back. He gave the gravestone one last nod, before he headed back to the car, getting into the passenger's seat and buckling in.

The breeze picked up as the car started and pulled away, the sounds of the cobblestones crunching under the tires fading away the further away they got. Once the car was out of sight, a cricket hopped up from the grass to sit beside the bouquet, before it began to rub its legs together, and chirp out a pretty little song to welcome spring to the world.

000

_March 30:_

_It's Eren's thirty first birthday today._

_What a day it's been too. Not just for Eren, but for me too. Because all of a sudden, it hit me just how far we've come. I actually just went through when we got home from visiting his parents' grave and read through a bunch of the entries in this thing, starting with that one I wrote when I first brought him home. Eren was so scared back then, just a little ball of fear that didn't even trust the floor under his feet, much less me or anyone else that tried to help him. He looked like all he wanted then was for the floor to swallow him up, or to run away and hide in a place where he didn't ever have to encounter people again. Because a person hurt him so deeply, so irrevocably, that he was afraid he would never be able to trust people again._ I _was afraid he'd never be able to trust people again._

_And now look at him. He's healthy and vibrant, and when he loves, he loves with his entire being. He's gentle and empathetic, and looking at him, you'd never be able to tell he ever went through what he went through._

_It hasn't all been perfect of course. We went through a lot back then. The worst of it I think is over, but Eren still isn't out of the woods. He may never be. Neither us may ever be. He still has anxiety attacks like I do, and he still has a hard time trusting people, though not nearly as hard a time as I do. If we come across reminders of his time in that basement in public, he immediately needs to leave, or risk hyperventilating right there on the spot. To this day, he doesn't like going in anyone's basement, or being in enclosed spaces for too long. Men that look like Nile make him nervous, and certain smells or sounds can still render him incoherent and unresponsive. Though I feel his pain. I can't hear the sound of a gun going off, even on t.v, without feeling sick or leaving the room. I still have trouble eating meat, I still can't stand it when needles come anywhere near me, and the dark still scares me._

_It seems like the trauma of being separated will stay with us forever too. When Eren first came home, it was like when he first came here all over again. He became downright clingy, following me from room to room no matter where I went. For that first month, we were practically joined at the hip. If I went to do laundry, Eren would drop what he was doing and go with me, even if he didn't always help, though he tried to cover it up by doing that. If I went outside to do yardwork, Eren would be right there. If I went to brush my teeth, Eren was there too. I couldn't leave the room without immediately hearing his footsteps following me. And the worst part was, I was the same way. If Eren left the room, I'd get up and follow him as well. If somehow we disappeared without the other's knowledge, even if it was inside the house, it wasn't uncommon for either one of us to dissolve into hysterics and cry and panic until we found each other again. It was like all we could see was that day when Eren was pulled crying and screaming out my front door and me being held back, unable to help him. That day was a nightmare come to life._

_However we're a little bit better now than we were then. Though we still have days where we have to be in the same room or it all goes to shit and God forbid if we lose each other in public, for the most part, things have improved. Eren and I can be apart for stretches at a time. For the most part, we can go all day without seeing each other. However, when it gets dark, if I'm out, I'll drop what I'm doing and rush home, and Eren will do the same. Neither of us can stand being alone in the dark, and I don't know if we'll ever be able to. It gets to be frustrating in the winter when the days are shorter, but that's how things are. I can't remember the last time we slept in separate beds, and if we never do again, that's fine. We're married now anyway, so we don't have to. But even if we have arguments, it's kind of an unspoken rule that we'll never make each other sleep on the couch._

_Still, the good outweighs the bad by far. We have our bad days, our days where sometimes we'll do nothing but cry or want to stay in bed. The days where it feels like we're right back where we started, or that we're trapped back in our respective hellholes, but the difference is now, we're not alone. And we'll never be alone again. I have Eren to lay with me and keep me warm and help remind me to eat and shower when the depression hits, and I'm there if Eren has a night when he can't sleep no matter what he does. And we have the dogs, who are great at licking you until you don't have a choice but to laugh, and have plenty of cute habits that lift our moods when nothing else can. They're a source of comfort for both of us when the other can't be there, and I'll never regret bringing home Fawn for Eren that day._

_If nothing else, I'll forever be thankful for the day Erwin assigned Eren to be my case, for who knows where the both of us would be without the other? Erwin didn't know it, but he changed our lives forever with that one decision. Ever since I saw Eren laying there in that hospital bed that first day, half dead from starvation and abuse, I was pulled into his orbit and I haven't been able to or wanted to escape since. And from what he's told me, the feeling is mutual._

_So I suppose in regards to the case of Eren Jaeger, this will be my last entry. Is he cured? No. And he probably never will be. But my job in integrating him back into society, at getting him on his feet and showing him in the beauty in the world, is finished. Well, not really. It never will be, will it? Because now we have the rest of our lives to explore the world and its beauty, to cry and laugh together, and teach the kids we help to do the same. It's going to be a great journey, and for the first time in my life, I'm excited to embark on it._

_So, this is Levi Ackerman, signing off on another case successfully treated._

000

"Levi, hold up, don't move yet, there's a rock digging into my shoulder."

"Hmph, you were the one who want to do this outside, idiot."

"I thought this mossy spot was rock free, fight me."

"Alright, shall I fight you while you're still balls deep in me, or shall I get off first?"

"Ohoho, planning on getting off before we get off then?"

Levi, sitting on top of him while the other man lay on his back, reached behind him and lightly smacked Eren on the thigh. "You brat."

Eren grinned up at him hugely. "Your brat. Your cute brat that you're married to and love more than anything in the world."

"Yeah yeah." Levi rolled his hips slightly. "You don't start fucking then I'm divorcing your ass."

The younger man laughed lightly, but obliged him by thrusting his hips slowly. "Just my ass? You'll keep the rest of me though, right?"

"Eren, I swear to _God-_ Mmm!"

A please grin found its way to Eren's lips, and he observed, "Ah, there's your sweet spot. It's kinda scary how fast I've gotten at finding it, huh?"

Levi nodded vaguely, a scowl still on his face, but seeing as Eren was still hitting that spot, slowly but continuously, he wasn't really paying attention anymore. In fact, he was rapidly falling into that wonderful world of bliss that Eren always aimed to put him in when they were like this, a state where he barely thought and just felt. His eyes fluttered shut, and his head slowly tilted back, exposing that creamy throat and hoping he could tempt Eren to kiss it. Or bite it. Or do something besides admire it.

Luckily, Eren got the message and sat up quickly, but his hips didn't still. He resituated Levi in his lap, and kept up the steady, gentle, back and forth rhythm that they had going, before leaning forward to mouth at his neck. Levi arched his neck even further into the attention, and softly dug his fingers into Eren's shoulders. This was the wonderful thing about their lovemaking; in all the years they had done it, it had never been rushed, or hard, or rough. It was always exceedingly sweet and slow. Tender in almost a heartbreaking way. They were always so careful with each other, constantly verbalizing reassurances or picking up each other's body language as to whether or not something was okay.

Levi was making breathy little noises that had Eren's blood buzzing. At one point, he managed to start sucking on a sensitive spot on his neck just as he thrust into him just right, causing Levi's back to arch and for him to suck in his breath. Eren smirked next to damp skin, and then said, "I'm going to lay you on your back, is that okay?"

"Nnn, yes," Levi exhaled deeply, letting out that breath he had been holding.

Eren cradled him gently, cupping his head with one hand and the other holding his upper back and he carefully pushed Levi forward until he was laying on the moss instead. Levi cracked his eyes open, taking in the delectable sight of Eren leaning over him, caging him protectively with his arms, while the trees of the forest behind his house rose over them. Sunlight slanted through the trees, creating dapples on the forest floor around them. When Eren began to thrust into him again, his eyes flickered downward to rest on that antler pendant with its tree of life standing out starkly against the bleached surface, still looking as pristine as the day Levi had given to him. Though the hemp chord had sadly become worn and to be replaced by a stronger braided black one. But Levi knew, just like their wedding rings, Eren would wear that pendant until the day he died.

Once they re-established their rhythm, Eren continued to suck and lick at Levi's neck, while Levi slowly wrapped his legs around his waist, his back arching further and further was Eren kept going. A deep blush had darkened both of their faces, crossing the bridges of their noses. For Levi it had traveled all the way down his neck, standing out starkly against his pale skin. When Eren pulled back for a moment, fresh arousal throbbed through his body as he took in the delicious sight of Levi lying beneath him, skin glistening, lips parted as he panted, brows turned upward and his gaze fixed solely on Eren, as if he was the only person in the world. He looked so gentle, so vulnerable and small. He couldn't stop the words and praises spilling from him even if he wanted to.

"Look how pretty you are," he said hoarsely, "So pretty and perfect. I love you so much. You mean so much to me, Levi, I can't even"-

"E-Eren," Levi's whole body began to arch a little more, drawn to those silky, sweet words. His legs unwrapped from Eren's waist and fell open, allowing Eren to pound into him with abandon, without restrictions. And Eren did so, moving a little faster, that warm, willing body holding him captive.

And Eren continued to speak those sweet words into Levi's ear, telling him how wonderful he was, how lucky Eren was to have him in his life, and those words as much as the physical stimulation, made Levi cry out, made the tears form at the corners of his eyes, made him grip Eren tighter to himself. And in turn, he felt Eren sliding his arms under his back and holding him tightly, burying his face into Levi's neck and moaning into his skin. Levi in turn wound his arms up further, cradling the back of Eren's head and groaning over his shoulder. For them, satiating the strong desire for safety and comfort and reassuring the other that they weren't alone, always went hand in hand with their lovemaking, and was just as satisfying as the sex itself.

Soon enough, he felt Eren tensing, felt his thrusts grow shorter and sharper, and felt that familiar, warm rush of his husband's release. Feeling that, feeling the physical evidence of Eren's pleasure, sent an empathetic throb through him, pushing out his own release without even being touched.

After a moment, Eren laid them both down, allowing them a few minutes to catch their breath and for the trembling in their bodies to ease. They breathed in each other's scent, and the damp, heady scent of the woods around them. It all worked together to make Levi feel dizzy and safe, exhausted and so perfectly content. Eren, who was laying beside him, pulled him a little closer, and Levi snuggled more into the curve of his side, throwing a leg over Eren's hip to keep him in place.

"I don't think I'm ever going to get used to that," Levi said after a moment, running his fingers through Eren's hair.

"Used to what?" Eren wondered.

"To how intense it is when we make love. How we always seem to feel what the other is feeling, and it makes it so much more… _more_. I guess. You know what I mean?"

"Heh, yeah," the younger man agreed, "Like, my pleasure comes from whether or not you're feeling good. If you are, then I feel good too. I don't think any other couple has come without even touching themselves as much as we have. Why are we like this, I wonder?"

Levi snorted, but then paused, thinking. When he finally answered, he answered slowly, and in a low voice. "Maybe we're just trying to make it up to each other. You know, for all of the people who sexually abused us. Trying to replace those bad experiences with good ones. At least that's what I feel like I'm trying to do for you. And yet…it feels like it'll never be enough."

Eren was silent, and for a moment, the only sound was the breeze blowing through the trees and rustling through the leaves still on the ground. He stroked Levi's side absently, before replying, "Petra told me once that it takes a thousand good experiences to erase one bad one. Using that logic, I suppose we have a long way to go. But look at it this way. We've already been together longer than I was with Nile, and soon we'll be together longer than you were trapped in that bunker. We have the rest of our lives together, Levi, to work on making it up to each other. And I don't know about you, but I'm already happier than I ever thought I could be. However, I don't mind having the rest of my life to keep making good experiences with you."

Levi pressed himself a little further into Eren, feeling a pleased flush rise up into his cheeks. Suddenly he gasped, remembering something. He pulled back from Eren slightly, propping himself up on one elbow, and said, "Remember how earlier today I said I had one last surprise for you?"

"Yeah," Eren replied, propping himself up as well.

An excited grin made its way to Levi's face. "Well, you just reminded me of it. I was thinking since we just finished our first case, we should go and celebrate our success. I bought us a couple of plane tickets to Ireland."

Eren's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open as he comprehended his words. "You did what!?" he exclaimed.

Levi nodded. "Mhmm. We go next month, and we're going to spend two weeks there. We're going to keep working on making more good experiences for ourselves, Eren."

Eren shook his head in disbelief, tears welling up in his eyes, before he launched himself at Levi, bowling the other man over in a tight, enthusiastic embrace. Levi laughed, hugging Eren back, before the younger pulled out of the embrace. Levi only got a moment to take in his joyful, flushed face, before Eren was cupping his face and pulling him into a deep kiss.

Eventually, they separated, their lips making a soft sound as they did so, but Eren could not stop stroking Levi's cheeks with his thumbs. "Thank you," he whispered breathlessly, "Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't know how to- you're"-

Levi chuckled, and leaned up, pulling Eren's head down until their foreheads were touching. "The elf and the fairy finally get to go and visit the land of the elves and fairies."

Eren laughed, and nuzzled Levi's nose with his own, emotion clogging his throat, his head light with euphoria.

Suddenly, they heard the leaves rustling a few yards away from them, and the definite sound of footsteps against the hard earth. They both sat up, alert, but relaxed a few moments later when they saw that it was just a deer. However, it wasn't just any deer.

"Eren, look," Levi whispered, "It's a white deer."

Squinting, he could see that Levi was indeed right and that it wasn't a trick of the light. The deer was picking its way through the woods, nosing the ground. Eren felt his breath leave his lungs in an awed rush.

Levi continued, "You know, some say seeing a white deer is good luck. But I know lots of legends say they're the gate keepers to the underworld though too. The Celts, for one."

"How comforting," Eren snickered.

That sound caused the deer to pause and swivel its head towards them. It stared at them for several long moments, white fur haloed by the golden light of the setting sun. It snorted, but didn't stamp its hoof, as Eren had seen many deer do to alert others that danger might be around. It simply twitched its ears, and continued on its way. Eren and Levi watched it until it disappeared, fading like a ghost among the trees.

Eren turned back to Levi, and declared, "I'll take it as a sign of good luck. We could use more of it."

Levi scooted closer to him, snuggling into his side and murmuring softly, "Yes, but I'd say we've had plenty of good luck too, haven't we? At least, mine seemed to start the day I met you. Though we've had our bad times, I don't think the good days will ever stop, as long as we're together. And I don't know about you, but I plan on staying with you for as long as I can, until this life ends. And then I'll find you in the next one, and the one after that. Until the days run out and night takes over, and then I'll find you by starlight. What do you think?"

Eren felt tears rising in his eyes at his words, his heart swelling with an emotion so profound he couldn't hope to give it a name. He simply pulled Levi close, and nuzzled his hair with his nose, before placing a kiss against it. "Yes," he replied breathlessly, "because the love I feel for you is too big for just one lifetime, I think. I _know._ As long as you want me, I'll be here by your side. I'm yours forever, Levi Ackerman. In light and in the dark, and I'm yours."

And with that, Levi began to sing, a soft, sweet song with a smile on his face that prompted a smile out of Eren in return. The two of them huddled together there on the forest floor, the moss under their thighs and the earth climbing its way into their veins, finding a permanent home there in their hearts. The soft, purple twilight enveloped them into its embrace as they gazed at their mountains between the trees. They were two little birds that had almost had their wings clipped by the world around them, but in finding each other, had closed their eyes and grown a plumage as beautiful as their suffering had been painful. And with their new wings, they were now ready to chase the skies and dance through the clouds, to fly in that eternal paradise for the rest of their days.

Together.

_Silken Haze, so chilly, brushing my skin_

_Further and further, where shall I find my yearning's goal_

_I close my eyes and grow a plumage_

_I feel the wind already and spread my wings to fly_

_Come and fly away with us_

_Let the wind carry you_

_Far away from this place_

_Come and fly as high as you can_

_Let us chase the skies_

_In our dance. – Federkleid, translated lyrics, by Faun_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title of course, means "plumage." :)
> 
> Wow, I can't believe I'm done with this thing. Almost a year of writing, and this monster is finally complete. Honestly, I never planned on finishing, so I'm so glad that I did. And the funny thing is, I finished it just a little over a year after I got into Attack on Titan in the first place.
> 
> So, a couple of things, first of all, the cute banter between Eren and Levi for their sex scene there was suggested by GammaRays when I got stuck for how to improve it, so thanks so much for that! Also, I imagine that the song at the end Levi sings is in fact, Federkleid. However, the song I was listening to throughout this chapter was this one: www.youtube watch?v=2O7xbyjVDX8. Other than that, I hope everyone enjoyed, and that everyone found the ending satisfying.
> 
> Thanks so much for all of everyone's kind words of encouragement over the course of this fic. I do have another SNK fic planned that I hope to start writing soon, once school is done for the semester, so keep an eye out for it! Thanks again so much!


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